Wikihow is one of the first websites to appear when searching for advice online but if any of you have ever read some of the advice (that often comes with really funny illustrations to accompany it) then you will know that it’s often completely wrong or so bizarre it is like someone from another planet wrote it.
Below are some of the funniest pieces of advice offered to lesbians, but just for the record, we suggest you do the exact opposite of what is suggested!
1. How to know if a girl is queer.
Look for obvious signs like meeting her at a LGBT rights dinner or her wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ in her profile picture.”
Yep, as we all head off to those common and frequent LGBT rights dinner get-togethers you can keep your eyes open on the off chance a lesbian might be there. And agreed, the t-shirt is a good clue. If you travel back in time, like to around 1993.
If you are shy, you can ask, ‘Are you here with your boyfriend?’ Hopefully, she will say, ‘No, I’m lesbian’ or at least just ‘no’ (which leaves open the possibility that she may be lesbian).”
Now, why didn’t we think of that one as we often say to complete strangers we have never met ‘I’m a lesbian’ when asked if we are with our boyfriends. Not forgetting that even if a girl says ‘no’ she might be a lesbian because we can’t presume the possibility that her boyfriend is at home or she’s currently single. We may need to warn our fellow hetero women she must never say she is not with her boyfriend or she may get inundated with lesbians wanting to date her.
3. Where are the lesbians hiding? In church, duh.
Attend faith-based activities. Many religious organizations host events specifically to offer LGBT members the opportunity to socialize in a safe setting. Check with your local faith-based agencies to find out what opportunities they might have for you to meet other lesbians.”
Ok, we could say something like this: ‘Hi vicar, are you hosting a lesbian hook-up I could attend please? Wikihow said you hold them.’
4. Make gay friends.
Get to know gay/lesbian friends! Even if you’re not interested in them they can be good contacts for meeting people.”
Yes, send out those ‘gay friends wanted’ ads everywhere, and don’t worry if they are cockwombles that you have nothing in common with. As long as they are gay that’s all that counts.
5. How to tell if your best friend a lesbian.
Consider her relationship history. A series of brief, noncommittal, or largely non-romantic relationships with men can indicate a lack of sexual interest in men….”
Yes, there’s no sure fire way of telling that someone is a lesbian and has no sexual interest in men by the very fact she sleeps with a lot of them.
Alternatively they could indicate some other dysfunction or dysphoria.”
Yes, because anyone who has a dysfunction is a lesbian. It’s a fact.
Try to recall if she has had a sustained interest in the opposite sex if you have known her throughout puberty. Patterns of behavior or avoidance can indicate preference far more clearly than stated preferences.”
If you are not her child psychologist or you don’t know him and are unable to find this out, don’t panic, we have more advice for you……
Approach your friend with openings that establish the confidence and safety of your discussion. Some starter ideas include ‘You know I’m your friend and you can tell me anything,’ ‘I think you might be keeping something from me, are you attracted to women?’ or ‘You can trust me with anything, and I think you haven’t been honest with yourself about your feelings for other women.’”
Nothing more guaranteed than ruining your relationship with your best friend by making these statements or asking these questions, I’m sure.
6. Have you heard of the internet?
If you aren’t already aware of any LGBT groups in your area, begin by searching the internet. Simply combine ‘LGBT,’ ‘groups,’ and the name of your city in the search box to get started.”
From this suggestion I got: suicide hotline numbers, PFLAG memberships and homeless youth centers, but zero girlfriends. Where are they??? Come out, come out, wherever you are…..
Try looking in the newspaper and the phone book for LGBT resources that may be able to point you in the right direction.”
Or you could try sending a telegram to 1985, order a lipstick lesbian t-shirt to wear to those LGBT rights dinners and lesbian hook-ups at your local church and you’ll find a girlfriend in no time.
7. Hitting the bars.
Bring a straight cute girl with you as your wingman. Make it clear that you are not together.”
Perhaps you could even get her to wear a t-shirt saying ‘lipstick lesbian sat next to me.’
8. Sealing the deal.
Exchange phone numbers with one girl per night. If you ask for numbers from several girls, others may think you are not serious dating material, and some may even find your behavior off-putting.”
Absolutely. Taking people’s phone numbers is a massive indication you are not good dating material. Personally, I’d be more concerned about all my possible dates that were stalking me to see I had been taking all these numbers.
9. Is she into you?
Pay attention to what she’s talking about. If she is sharing personal details about her life, this is another good indicator that she’s interested in you…”
Oh, definitely. If a woman tells you where she lives, her job and about her pets she’s definitely interested in you and not just making small talk.
Listen to the pitch of her voice. In a recent study, scientists discovered that attracted individuals of either gender lowered the pitch of their voices when speaking to the person to whom they were attracted.”
To do this, press your ear against her throat and try to detect a change in tone. If she doesn’t have you arrested or slap you hard, you might be onto a winner.
If you want to see her again, call to set up another date.”
That’s only if you are not still stuck in the 1900’s after going too far back in your time travel machine looking for those ‘lipstick lesbian’ t-shirt wearing potential girlfriends. If this is the case, you could try sending a carrier pigeon.
If she rejects you, do your best to take it gracefully. Tell her you wish her the best, and that you had a nice evening with her, but you respect her wishes. Then, tell her you have to get off the phone because you have some things to do.”
Hurry up off that phone and tell her you have better things to do. Like washing your hair. Or planning your revenge on her. You could ask her if she has a rabbit. And don’t forget to mention the respect. Especially if she has a rabbit.
10. Going all the way.
Ask her if she would be interested in being your girlfriend. After you have been going out for a while, and you feel comfortable with her, ask her what she thinks about having a more serious, committed relationship. Understand that she may say no, and try to be understanding. If she says yes, then it’s time to celebrate!”
If you have managed to find a girlfriend using these techniques I would ask her if she would mind having a psychological assessment before you ask her to commit to you. You might wish to get one done for yourself at the same time. And don’t wear your lipstick lesbian t-shirt to the appointment.