Long-term relationships are great. Not only do you get the comfort of knowing that the person by your side has been there through the rough moments, and still cares about you, but you’ve also got a good rhythm going – you basically know what each other likes, and you know how to be comfortable with each other. There’s no pressure for “good sex,” because you know you’ll have another shot the next time. Even better, you know there will be a next time.
But feeling too comfortable can be a disaster, and mediocre sex is boring as hell.
How can you keep the spice alive, without pushing yourself too hard, or – yikes – pulling a muscle? Try these 10 simple tips and let us know how they work out for you.
(Sometimes, the little things do make all the difference.)
1. Start with a sizzle that leads into an explosion.
Even though sexting might seem a little juvenile, it doesn’t have to be. With practice, you can perfect your sexting game so that it sets everything else into motion. And it doesn’t have to be super dirty, either – you can keep things classy while still getting your partner’s motor running. Purr.
In fact, if you’re looking to start a sexting inferno with your long-term partner, simple and classy is the way to go. Stick with messages that would seem innocent to outsiders – not that your partner should be sharing your private text conversations – and skip anything that would make you blush if you said it out loud. (Trust me, that nervousness comes through in the texts to your partner, and it will seem forced. Because it is.)
The best part of sexting is the tease, so take an “inside joke” approach and forego the pictures and dirty words. Trust us on this one – you don’t need to be vulgar to be sexy.
2. Include a sexy scalp massage as part of your warm-up.
Even among couples who give each other sensual massages (TBH, it’s the #1 way to get me in the mood), the scalp tends to get ignored a bit. After all, your scalp isn’t sexy, so the closest most of us get is a bit of hair-pulling when things get rough. But what if you’re not trying to have rough sex – you’re just trying to have passionate sex?
Any type of massage will undeniably beat some of the stress and tension that’s been building up, but the scalp has a ton of nerve endings that probably don’t get stimulated nearly as often as they should. And, since those nerve endings are so close to the brain, the effects they give off are super intense. Plus, scalp massages just feel good – so why not treat your partner?
You can even bring scalp massages into your solo sessions – it just takes a little practice. Give it a shot, and let us know how it worked out for you.
3. Get into that vacation mindset.
If you’ve ever had “vacation sex,” I don’t have to tell you how awesome it is. (And, if you haven’t had vacation sex before… Let me tell you… There is something magical about literally leaving all the stress and distraction behind.) But, sadly, given the current global economy… Most of us can’t afford to go on vacay every time we want some hot action.
Instead, set the mood at home – either in your guest bedroom, or in a cheap motel – and get ready to reap the benefits of vacation sex without the bills. If you’re a little more well-off financially, you can rent a room for the night – or for an hour or two! – and go to town. But, if not, go to a room that isn’t connected with your stress and daily life, and get busy.
(Just make sure you’re ready for the neighbors to hear – vacation sex is that much better.)
4. Share the fantasies she stars in.
I’m sure you’ve got your fair share of fantasies rolling around in your mind – we all have some that would make us blush if anyone ever heard. But instead of telling your partner what you dream of doing with Ruby Rose or Ellen Page or whatever celebrity you’re crushing on at the moment, make your partner the star of your fantasies – or, at least the ones you share with her.
Was there one particular night you still remember in vivid detail? Talk to her about it, and make it happen again! Sharing the things that got your fire burning can increase the chances of them happening again, and it makes your partner feel good about herself. You’re both winners here.
(If you haven’t had any particularly hot sexcapades yet, make one up – just make sure she’s still the star. Most women don’t want to hear about what you’d do to someone else. Unless I’m wrong and your girlfriend is one of the women who are turned on by that. Make sure you check with her first.)
5. Enjoy a gentle breeze – inside or out.
The feeling of a cool breeze against your naked skin is arguably one of the sexiest feelings in the world – and if your bedroom has a window in it (most do), you’re already halfway there. Open the window and let the risk of being overheard fuel your fire. You can close the curtains, if you’d like, but you want to feel that cool tingle.
If you’re especially brave or adventurous, consider taking your tryst outside. The extra thrill of knowing that you could be caught – even if your back yard is well hidden – can make it extra intense. Your neighbors are definitely going to hear, but that’s okay. Just make sure you wait until after dark.
(And, it probably goes without saying, but public sex is illegal in many places, so please make sure you know what your local regulations are.)
6. Head to the freezer for some intense stimulation.
Did you know that icy cold sensations stimulate the same parts of your nervous system as sexual arousal? It’s no coincidence that your nipples get hard for both – the two are super ingrained. (And, on that subject, have you ever had ice cubes rubbed on your nipples? If you’re even remotely interested in nipple play, I highly recommend you give it a shot.)
Be warned, though – that icy-cold sensation might be a bit too intense for some people, so start by incorporating it into a sensual massage. Rubbing it over the not-explicitly-sensual parts of your partner’s body is a safer bet, and if it interests you, slowly amp up the intensity by moving to even more sensitive areas.
Understand your limits, and your partner’s, and make sure you’re not pushing the ice too far – it can be really, really intense.
7. Act like teenagers. (No, really.)
If you want to bring back that sexy, forbidden feeling you had when you first started exploring your sexuality, you need to act like you did back then. Keep your clothes on, and opt for an innocent-enough make-out session on the couch. Throw in a little bit of indirect stimulation, through the clothes, and all those sexy taboo vibes will come pouring in.
Don’t worry about “messing up” the couch, either – the goal is to keep your clothes on, until you absolutely can’t stand it. Then, you can make a mad dash to the bedroom (or the middle of the floor!) to finish the job. Or, if you’d prefer a little more teasing, try adding in a little bit of fantasy: Pretend that “your parents” will be coming home soon, and forbid each other from going under the clothes.
There’s something extra sexy about “sneaking around,” even when you no longer have to. And besides, dry humping is awesome.
8. Don’t be so weird about lube.
So many people I talk to treat lube like this big, weird deal. They (mistakenly) think that it’s just for older couples, or for gay men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. While older couples and gay men are more likely to use lube, that doesn’t mean it’s for them – a decent lubricant is a good investment for everyone.
Even for people whose bodies naturally produce enough lubrication to get the job done, a little extra can make things even more satisfying. That’s not just my opinion, though – there was actually an in-depth study about the connection between lubricant and sexual satisfaction. This study had over 2,500 female participants, so it’s not some tiny sample size. This is proven scientific fact.
For best results, keep your lube close enough that you don’t have to stop the action to get it. Trust me, if you have to walk across the room to grab the bottle, you’re not going to use it.
9. Skip the regular dirty talk.
Okay, maybe don’t skip it – dirty talk can be pretty awesome, after all – but change your approach. It seems silly, but narrating the things that your partner is doing to you – and adding how it makes you feel – is sexy as hell and will undoubtedly turn you both on a bit more. It helps confirm the things that feel good, and it encourages her to keep doing those things. Everybody wins.
More than just being sexy, though, narrating the things going on in your bed keeps you in the moment. It forces you to focus on what’s going on right this moment, rather than the things you want to happen next. Not that you shouldn’t help lead your partner in the right direction, but talking about what’s going on right now brings an all-new level of focus.
It’s like naked meditation… With a partner.
10. Switch up your routine with some “afterplay.”
We all know that foreplay is great – necessary, even – but did you know that it’s easier to try new things when you’re already in the mood? Afterplay takes the pressure away, because you’ve already “finished.” There’s no need to accomplish anything – no one’s going to be frustrated if they don’t have another orgasm. This is just “extra credit.”
According to sex educator Emily Nagoski, “Because you’re already aroused, you may find that certain moves can feel extra intense.” Your body is already loosened up, so to speak, and all your nerve endings are lit up – meaning that the slightest touch will be magnified a million times.
(Just don’t forget – the afterplay isn’t meant to replace foreplay… It’s just an additional measure to keep things going longer!)