I think I’ve always been a bit of a cynic. I like to think of myself as a romantic person, but sometimes the most romantic solution I find is to give up on the person who isn’t making you happy. (Hey, self-love is important, too.) I sort of resent the word “jaded”, although I’m sure others would say it applies pretty well. It’s all a matter of opinion, I guess.
But every now and then, in the middle of my cynical ways, I fall in love – and it kinda sucks.
1. You’re waiting for the end, from day one.
One of the downsides of being a jaded girl in love is that you’re always looking toward the end, even when things are going well. As annoying as it might be to you, it’s probably more annoying to your girlfriend – so try to be gentle on her.
Part of this is because we’re so used to being taken advantage of and disrespected (whether subtly or more obviously) that – when someone actually treats us right – we assume it’s a game. We focus on all the little things that could be wrong, and of course we take them to mean that they are wrong – all wrong.
To the jaded woman, this seems like she’s protecting herself – but her partner might see it as her being distrusting and, in some cases, downright ridiculous.
2. You hate how much you care.
Caring in a relationship is a good thing. It’s important to care where your relationship is headed, and how your partner’s doing, and all those other little things that are second nature for people who aren’t jaded. But for the jaded girls, this is torture. You want to slap yourself for wondering why she hasn’t texted back yet – because you know she’s probably just busy working. After all, it’s only been twenty minutes, and you’re not attached at the hip. (As if you’d let that happen anyway!)
Some of us even convince ourselves that we’re heartless, because it’s easier that way. We know it’s not true, and the people closest to us know it’s not true, but those sketchy outsiders? Not a clue. And we like it that way!
Inside, though, we’re coming apart at the seams. We can’t stop thinking about her, even when we should be focusing on work, and it absolutely eats us up inside. Why can’t we just let go and be chill?!
3. Resting Bitch Face becomes the default.
In an effort to keep our secret inner emotions secret (and on the inside), we put on our best poker face. To the random passersby, we look like we couldn’t possibly love anyone – and that’s how we like it. We’re so used to hiding our emotions that we overcompensate. We’d rather seem like an emotionless robot than to let it show that we’re absolutely crazy over someone. That way, if anything goes wrong, we’re ready to jump right back into “IDGAF” mode.
But the truth is, those who are closest to us can see straight through our nonsense. They know that RBF = feeling something deeply, whereas a show of emotion is likely sarcastic. We can’t help it – we were conditioned this way! And it’s a hard habit to break.
4. You refuse to admit your feelings – especially to your other half!
Chances are, the jaded girls are too stubborn to admit they’re in love, so they keep denying it until it becomes absolutely undeniable. The person we should be the most honest with about our feelings – the person who secretly holds our hearts – is completely left in the dark. (Well, unless they already know what lies in the shadows.)
It might even make you mad how many feelings you have. I remember when my girlfriend and I got together, I kept up my “pure asshole” act for the first six months or so – even though I was probably in love with her by month two. I refused to admit it to her – and even to myself. There are still some days I forget that I’m allowed to have feelings – but thankfully my girlfriend knows how to coax them out of me.
5. Nothing compares to the difficulty of openness.
I can still clearly remember the day I took the password lock off my cell phone. I actually made a bit of a grand to-do about it, which my girlfriend naturally thought was weird. But she let me – and to this day she hasn’t ever really pushed me to share.
Don’t get me wrong: She does have to pry sometimes. I’m trying to work on it, but it’s really hard for me to trust someone else with my problems. I’m a bit of an over-explainer, too, which doesn’t really help – when I do allow my girlfriend to help with my problems, I obsessively let her know which areas she’s allowed to help with and which areas are totally off limits.
(She doesn’t listen to me… But I try.)
6. She’s your best friend – not that you’d tell her that.
I think us jaded girls fall even harder than the girls who aren’t hung up on stuff. It’s probably because we fight it so hard – any time you don’t allow yourself something, the urge to have it becomes a million times stronger. (At least it seems that way to me.) The same is true for the whole total-package thing: We don’t want to let our girlfriend know that she’s our world. She knows us more deeply than anyone else does, but still we won’t give her the satisfaction of admitting that she knows us inside and out.
Personally, I’m a bit jaded and cynical in the friend department, too. I’m the type to randomly go through my Facebook list and delete half the people every few months. With my circle of friends continually shrinking, it would make sense that my girlfriend is my best friend – but I don’t think the words have actually left my mouth.
Of course, I have other friends too, and even one or two I’d consider besties. But there’s something extra special about a best friend who’s seen you naked and made you moan. If you’ve got the lover, the cheerleader, and the best friend all in one package, you’re a lucky woman.
7. You pay attention. So. Much. Attention.
One of the hardest things for me to grasp every time I’ve fallen in love is that, with some women, you want to pay attention to the things she likes, the things she doesn’t like, and every little story that would be pointless if anyone else said it. I’ve still got a text message saved in my phone from back when my girlfriend and I were “getting to know each other” – a list of some of the things she liked. I don’t know why I don’t delete it; I’ve practically got it memorized by now.
When you fall in love (especially if you’re not too keen on the idea), it can surprise you just how much information you can actually hang onto about someone. I know my girlfriend’s favorite cheese is cheddar, her favorite movie is The Notebook, and her favorite TV show is Adventure Time. If you asked me the same three questions about my past girlfriends, I might be able to name one for each.
When you’re not used to the idea of being in love, the idea of caring about a person so much that you pay attention to every little detail can be unnerving. In time, you get used to it, but it’s definitely a shock for quite a while.
8. You don’t have to say a word – your partner just knows.
One phrase that pretty much any woman hates is “I know you’re lying.” When it’s followed by “What’s bothering you?” it’s a little softer, but that doesn’t change the fact that we lied about our feelings because we wanted them to be a secret. But there are no secrets when you’re really in love – your partner will know.
I used to make a lot of jokes about this phenomenon. If I had an itch on my back that I couldn’t reach, I’d just turn my back to her and grunt, and 9 times out of 10, she’d find the exact spot, right away. (Okay, so this one might be due to the bug bites she could see that I couldn’t, but still – she did the same thing in the bedroom, too, if you catch my drift.)
She still jokes about it (or at least I think it’s a joke) – she’ll talk about my “jealous face” and my “horny eyes” and all sorts of things that don’t make a lot of sense to me, but she’s actually right about my emotions most of the time. While it’s a pain when I’m trying to pretend I’m not freaking out inside, it’s reassuring to know that she’ll help me stick all the pieces back together after I explode.
9. Vulnerability. Yuck!
When a jaded girl first starts falling in love, she’s likely to spurn the idea of being vulnerable. She thinks if she shows no weaknesses, she’s strong – but over time, she’ll start to realize that admitting when you need help is one of the strongest things you can do. It’s easier to pretend there’s nothing wrong than to justify why it’s wrong – so we keep it inside.
Before, vulnerability never went further than the basic information – but now, you’re sharing the feelings, the emotions, and the whole deal. It never really gets easier, but over time, you learn that it’s actually pretty worthwhile to share these things with your partner – maybe she’s got some wisdom or inspiration to toss your way. (Or at the very least, she might have a shoulder for you to cry on. Not that you cry – because crying is for wimps, and who needs feelings, anyway!)
10. You don’t understand it – and you probably never will.
One of the most confusing things about being a jaded girl in love is knowing that we fell for someone, despite telling ourselves numerous times that it wasn’t going to happen. In my case, I told her it wasn’t going to happen, too – but I was wrong. (Does this count as vulnerability?)
You may have tried to push her away. I actually broke up with my girlfriend for a little while to try and see someone else – but I was miserable. You might have allowed yourself to hate her. (In my case, I had a stalker sending drama my way – it was easier to assume it was my love so I had a reason to separate myself. Turns out, it totally wasn’t her.)
You might even hate yourself for the love you feel, because it’s so unknown and unfamiliar. Suddenly, where you’ve always felt so independent and secure, you feel like a part of yourself is missing when she’s not there – and it hurts! It seems like the less you wanted to fall for her, the harder you fell. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s you now – learn to accept it!