Most of us have been there before: That one super curious straight girl. I’m not talking bi-curious here (well, at least not necessarily). I’m talking about the woman who seems to have ten million questions about what it means to be a lesbian.

“I think I’m going to become a lesbian,” she says, innocently enough.

“I can help you with that,” you tease back – stuck somewhere between hoping she really does like women, and hoping she realizes that sexuality isn’t exactly a game.

Realistically, there’s a thought process involved with explaining things to straight women. Not all of us go through every step, and I’m sure you have your own to add to this list, but here’s a bit of the internal monologue that happens when the questions start rolling in.

1.    You can’t just “turn lesbian”.

Some people may have encountered an event that destroyed their attraction to men, but that doesn’t mean that any specific event is known to “cause lesbianism”. More likely, these women who “turned lesbian” were already bisexual, and something happened that made them reject the idea of being with men. That’s not the same thing as a magical lesbian spell (although sometimes we wish it was that easy!).

2.    Lesbians don’t want to sleep with every woman, ever.

OK – maybe some do. But for most of us, we have our preferences, just like anyone else. For many of us, the other person’s sexuality may be a factor, too, even if it’s not entirely fair. So don’t worry straight girls – most of us aren’t going to try and “convert” you.

3.    If you have to ask “how lesbian sex works”, we feel really, really sorry for you.

It never ceases to amaze me: The straight women who say they just “don’t get” lesbian sex. First, if you’re not having it, it’s not yours “to get”. And second, if the only kind of sex you’ve ever had involved a penis, you are so unfortunate – and the guys you date are really lame. (Really!)

4.    We can’t just stop being gay.

Just like you can’t wake up one day and -poof- you’re gay, we can’t wake up one day and -poof- ourselves straight. Some of us may have even wished we could at some point in time. But we can’t fix ourselves – probably because there’s nothing wrong with us.

5.    There is no “secret”.

I’ve had probably 30 girls in my life who’ve asked me “how to be gay”, or “if it’s better”. To which I always reply, “It’s better if you’re gay – but if you’re not gay, you’ll hate it.” And that’s true. Because your sexuality isn’t a choice, there’s nothing to be better or worse. It’s all a matter of who you are.

6.    If we do have sex with you, we probably don’t want your boyfriend to watch.

And if he does watch, he’s going to get jealous. Maybe he doesn’t think he will, but when he sees how much more pleasure you get from another woman… Well, he’s going to feel a little inadequate. If you’re a bi-curious woman looking to experiment, go with another bi-curious woman. Trust me on this one.

7.    If you have to ask if we’re flirting with you, we’re not.

Usually. Maybe the woman is really bad at flirting, and she’s trying really hard to seduce you – but generally, the bad flirters don’t flirt with straight girls. There are always exceptions, of course. Just assume we’re being nice unless we comment on your breasts and/or butt.

8.    We’re not doing this to be a rebel.

Most women who identify as lesbians are not doing it just to rebel against their parents, or society, or anything like that. We identify as lesbians because we are attracted to other women – whether physically, emotionally, or both.

9.    We’re not doing it for the attention, either.

Can we please leave the stereotype of “gay for the attention” in the past? No one has the right to determine that someone else’s sexual identity is born from a need for attention. Truthfully, it’s always been this way, but there for a while the stereotype of “it’s just a phase” got really, really powerful. Let’s not let it come back, ok?

10. If you have questions, ask – respectfully.

Most lesbians (or anyone, really) doesn’t mind educating someone – as long as the person who needs educating is making a solid effort to show respect. For example, asking a stranger about their sex life is incredibly rude. Asking her if she’s ever been sexually assaulted is rude. But a simple question, like how did she realize she was gay… Usually OK, but pay attention to her body language when she replies – use common sense and try not to make her uncomfortable.