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11 Things the Media Gets Wrong About Lesbian Sex

If you’re learning about lesbian sex from straight people, you’re probably being misinformed.
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Lesbians, in general, are often attracted to media involving lesbians. It’s almost like when a dog sees another dog at the park – we just have to check it out! While it makes us some of the best friends to have, it also means that many of us get entirely the wrong idea about sex.

The truth is, the only sex you ever know anything about is the sex that you, personally, have. Anything else, you’re just getting the version that the person/business/entity wants you to see. While this is usually true for other aspects of your life, too, it’s especially important to notice when it comes to our perception of ourselves.

We’ve collected a few of the rumors circulated by the media about lesbian sex and sexuality – how many did you fall for?


We don’t all have sex all day, every day.

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Many movies that show a glimpse into the lives of lesbian characters will, inevitably, show them having sex for pretty much entire days. While that probably does happen every now and then (I can think of about 5 times in my entire sexual history), it’s definitely not the norm for most of us.

Most lesbians have sex, on average, between 5 and 10 times per month. While it’s going to be different for every couple, the vast majority of us really don’t have that much time to spend having sex – especially when each tryst can last over an hour!


Lesbian Bed Death is only real if you let it be.

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There’s this big stereotype that all lesbians who enter a committed relationship will, eventually, stop having sex. If it doesn’t stop completely, it dwindles down to the point where it’s actually scheduled on the calendar, so to speak! But lesbians are not any more susceptible to this than anyone else. The idea of “bed death” is built on the couple giving up on their sexual relationships because they’re satisfied with the rest of their lives. Too bad it’s complete rubbish!

The truth is, almost any long-term relationship will have its ups and downs, in every aspect – not just sex. It’s incredibly rare that a couple completely stops having sex permanently, and remains together. (That’s not to say it never happens or that there’s anything inherently wrong with that, either.)


It’s not all strap-ons and scissoring, my friend.

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Okay, so I’d like to briefly extend the definition of the word “media” to include pornography. When you watch lesbian pornography, keep in mind that roughly 90% of porn producers are male – producing for a male audience. Although these numbers are starting to change (at last!) it is still a highly male-dominated market in terms of the decision-making process.

For some reason, this market has latched onto a highly feminized image of “lesbians”, which is not always the case in reality. These feminine lesbians will, by nature, be replicating a humping pattern of some sort – because that’s what the audience wants. This doesn’t actually speak for all of the available consumers, and many lesbians don’t enjoy any of the actions that are commonly depicted in porn.


Most of us don’t have sex fully naked. (At least not every time.)

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This is, of course, another situational occurrence – but most male-produced porn will show women having sex entirely naked. In case you haven’t noticed, take a look at some straight porn – most likely the man (or men) involved will have some form of clothing on. This is because the porn industry often finds it easier to focus on one particular demographic, and their target is usually the straight male consumer. (This is usually not true for gay male porn – they are usually pictured fully naked, as well.)

But the reality is that lesbians often leave some (or even all) of their clothes on while having sex. As long as whatever it is can be pushed to the side or out of the way, we don’t usually bother taking it off. We’re here to get down to business!


No, long fingernails are not sexy.

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This is another one that is mostly applicable to the porn industry, but it shows in most lesbian imagery in movies and television. These (highly feminine) lesbians will have long fingernails. After all, they’re just going to be scissoring and using toys anyway – why would they need to keep their nails short?

In practical application, though, most lesbians use their hands during sex – whether in penetration or general stimulation. And trust me, the only thing that fingernails are good for are digging into backs. Everywhere else, they need to be nicely trimmed before you even think about it!


Lesbian sex with your hair down is probably a bad idea.

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For those among us with long hair, you probably already know how rough it is when your hair gets in the way of day-to-day activities. When it comes to lesbian sex, there are a number of extra reasons you need to keep a hair tie handy. First of all, sex hair is a very present problem, and those who tangle easily will probably not want to deal with it. (Silk or jersey cotton pillowcases can help sometimes, but there’s no guarantee when things get crazy.)

Additionally, if you have never had to pull your partner’s hair out from an uncomfortable place, let me tell you: It’s just as uncomfortable as you would expect it to be. (My partner and I both have incredibly long hair – the struggle is very real.)


Many of us have had sex with men – but that doesn’t mean we will again in the future.

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The thought is that, if we’ve had sex with men in the past, that means we “have to be open to the idea in the future”. That’s simply not true. Someone’s past is never meant to define their future, only to help shape their future choices. The idea that someone has to have a certain type of sex in the future just because he or she had that type of sex in the past is unfounded. It’s like saying that you have to like every food you’ve ever tried.

(But it also doesn’t mean we won’t.)

Just because a woman identifies as a lesbian now does not mean that her identity will never change again. Sexuality is often thought to be fluid and versatile throughout a person’s life, and there are a number of situations that could influence her future choices.

Further, a person’s identity is a deeply personal matter, and not everyone will define it the same way. No one has the right to say someone else’s identity is invalid.


We don’t always like loving and gentle sex – lesbian sex can get wild.

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This isn’t usually the case in porn, but most of the time in TV and movies, lesbian sex is very tame and sensual. That type of sex is great – but it’s not all there is. The reason this sex is what you see is because the lines for what count as sex and what’s just softcore are pretty limiting when it comes to ratings. If there’s any penetration, vagina shots, or – heaven forbid – moaning out loud, it’s pornographic and must be labelled as such.

The truth is, the media’s representation of lesbian sex is what most lesbians would consider their foreplay – it usually leads to something a little more intense. But they can’t show that on TV or in a teen-friendly movie, so they cut it to keep a bigger audience. Porn, on the other hand, helps to fill the void of the wild escapades – but often makes it difficult to find the sensual and romantic.


There is no singular definition for what counts as “lesbian sex” – but it is most definitely real.

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Every woman I have ever been with has had a different definition for what is “sex” versus what is “just foreplay”. There’s no single definition, because no two women are alike. But the idea that lesbian sex is “not real sex” is completely unfounded, and based on a definition of sex that requires penetration by a human penis.

Gay men are said to have sex, but lesbians “pleasure each other”. (Sometimes to the point of orgasm, but there’s no penis, so it can’t be real.) The truth is, the term “sex” refers to a very general description, and it is up to the individual to determine what they consider “counts”. There is no such thing as a right or wrong answer.


So… How many did you get wrong? Tell us in the comments – and let us know if there’s something we missed!

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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