Crushes are a crazy thing. Sometimes we get through a crush in a matter of minutes, and write it off as “just our hormones” or “drunken thoughts” or something equally noncommittal. Other times, they drag on for years and years and never seem to go away. (Looking at you, Straight Girls and Besties.)
Our crushes tend to fall into one of 14 categories, though. If you haven’t met one of them yet, maybe that one is you. How many are you still waiting on?
The Guy Everyone Thinks is Gay
Sometimes, he really is gay. Sometimes you even date him. Sometimes the two of you come out right around the same time and then everyone makes jokes about you guys “turning” each other. Ah, 8th grade was a fun time. He’s not the one – unless, of course, you live somewhere gay marriage still isn’t legal, and then you might have a paper that says he’s the one – and a bedroom arrangement that says otherwise. (Let’s just hope this isn’t the case for you.)
The Girl with the Boyfriend
There are GWTB’s who tell their boyfriend, ones who don’t tell their boyfriend, and ones who are secretly looking for someone for them and their boyfriend. Depending on your personal relationship tolerances, she might be the one for you – as long as she’s being honest with everyone involved. If you find out after you’ve been seeing each other for a while, well… She’s definitely not the one.
The Girl with the Girlfriend
Same as GWTB, with just about as much chance of a threesome (in my experience).
Okay, so I know we all know what this one means, but let’s recap for those who are in denial. This refers to your friend’s (or possibly girlfriend’s!) hot mom. It’s usually pretty awkward, and in most cases, you don’t even tell anyone about it. But hey, you never know – she might be the one. (But she’s probably not.)
You don’t know what it is about this girl – she’s unlike anyone you’ve ever dated. She’s not even your type, at least not to the naked eye. Somehow your brain will convince you that she’s the love of your life, and you won’t even understand how you got in this mess… But she’s probably not the one.
That is, crush and enemy. This is the woman you absolutely cannot stand and simultaneously want to make out with in the supply closet. Hormones are confusing. She’s most likely not the one.
The Gold Digger
This woman may or may not have a job when you first start talking, but that doesn’t mean anything in the long term anyway: She’s going to get as much as she can from you for as long as she can. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re safe because you’re broke or not “official” – that doesn’t usually make a difference to the GD. After all, why pay for something you can talk someone else into buying for you? (In case you couldn’t tell, she’s not the one.)
Try as we might, we can’t seem to help ourselves when it comes to The Player. She knows how to present herself to garner the attention of everyone in the room, and she knows all the right things to say to make sure she keeps it. Those “accidental” sultry glances and innuendos don’t go unnoticed, either – especially the ones that are delivered to your best friend. We know it’s all just a big game to her, but somewhere in the back of our minds there’s this voice screaming, “But what if she’s the one?” But she’s not the one.
The Total Jerk
The crazy thing about this woman is that she probably came right out and told you that she wasn’t the one. She probably also told you she was a jerk, and that she was going to treat you bad and break your heart. Maybe she even used that as an excuse for why she wouldn’t go out with you. Yet, for some stupid reason, you keep trying to convince her she’s the one. Unfortunately, she’s right here – she’s not the one.
This woman is creepy perfect for you, in every way – so much that you start to question how you ever got by without her. She’s probably met your parents, your cat, and even your great-aunt Betty – and not because she’s trying to seduce them, like the Player. She’s actually genuinely interested in meeting new people and forming friendships. But, for some reason, the more people tell you how much they like her, the less interested you are. You start imagining problems that aren’t even there, and you screw it up. Great going – she could have been the one. (She also could have been crazy, though… So… You know.)
The Ladder Climber
This woman is also trying to get in touch with everyone, but not for the same reason as the Charmer. No, the Snake is trying to slither her way to the top, finding anyone along the way who will help her meet her own personal ends. She probably won’t actually date you, because she’s too busy worrying about herself. You’re probably better off, though – as admirable as her ambition is, statistically, she probably wouldn’t ever make you a priority anyway.
This is probably someone you’ve known your entire life, or at least since you were still in school. You share everything – midnight phone calls, the last slice of pizza, and embarrassing Instagram photos. Then, one day, you start to notice that your feelings for her are a little more than what might be considered appropriate, and you totally freak out. Sometimes, she feels the same way, and things get really weird until you two decide to do something about it. In other cases, you bottle it up and pretend that you’ve never masturbated while thinking about her. (It’s cool, no judgment here.) I’ll pretty much always advise you to talk this one out, though – your friendship could die from the awkwardness anyway. And, you know… There’s probably a reason she’s your best friend.
The Straight Girl
As much as most of us hate the idea of falling for a straight girl, it never seems to stop us from doing exactly that. Of course, there are a few different ways this one can go. She might play along while she’s drunk and then deny like hell when she sobers up. She might feel the need to continually remind you that she’s really only into guys, and then add on “-but if I was into chicks, it’d totally be like you.” Or, she might even give things a chance just to see what it’s like. In most cases, she’s probably not the one – but if she’s down to give it a try, let her sober up and see where things go!
The Girl You Thought Was Straight
Most likely, this girl works in a coffee shop or book store that you frequent. In many cases, she “doesn’t look gay”, so you never even think to talk to her – even if you, yourself, also “don’t look gay”. You see her every day, and you even think you catch her hitting on you once or twice – but you assume you’re imagining it. Spoiler alert: She’s totally hitting on you. Give her your phone number already. She might be the one. (Side note, can we all agree to stop straight-washing people? That’d be great.)