Struggling to decide whether you should hook up with your ex one more time or not? While I’m sure there are a number of people in your life chiming in with a resounding hell no, sometimes it takes an outside opinion to help convince you. After all, your friends and family already know about all the messed up things that you and your ex did while you were together. They probably know more details about your love life than you’d like them to, especially when you’re trying to get them to be an impartial vote.

Hint: Your friends and family are probably never going to be an impartial vote. Sure, they might call you on your crap when you screw up, but they’re still on your team, and rooting for you. And, believe it or not, that’s a good thing.

Even if you were the one who messed things up in the relationship, you shouldn’t give your ex another chance just because she wants one. Chances are, both of you still have a lot of learning and processing to do, and you can’t do that if you’re sharing a bed. (If you haven’t actually moved out yet… Seriously. Do it. Living with your ex is not the business.)

So, why specifically shouldn’t you have sex with your ex?

1. She’s still the same person she was before you broke up.

People can change, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will. Everyone needs time to process things, and if she’s still trying to get with you, chances are, she’s trying to skip the processing. Do yourself (and her!) a favor, and pass on the second chance for now.

2. You’re probably still the same person, too.

Just like she hasn’t changed, you probably haven’t either. We see people take their ex back all the time and things are magically better the second time around – but real life is not like the movies, and getting back with your ex when you still have the same expectations is going to hurt.

3. You don’t gain anything by going in reverse.

Whether you want to admit it or not, going back to your ex is a step in the wrong direction. The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result – so why would you revisit a path you’ve already gotten hurt by?

4. The sex will bring up all those old emotions.

Even if the sex with your ex was incredible, and she just couldn’t stay faithful (or you couldn’t), there’s no such thing as casual sex with someone you used to have a relationship with. It’s human biology. The oxytocin rush you get when you orgasm is going to rush back everything that ever bonded you two together.

5. You deserve better.

I’m not saying your ex was a bad person, because that’s not always the case. I’m not even saying that you’re a perfect person, because that never actually happens. But you do deserve someone who’s a better fit for your needs and wants – and your ex already proved that’s not her.

6. It might not mean the same thing to her as it does to you.

Any time I’ve had sex with an ex, it’s been me hoping we’d get back together, and her hoping she’d get some great sex without having to work for it – “for old time’s sake”. No matter which position you’re personally in, you need to keep in mind that she doesn’t necessarily feel the same way.

7. You owe it to yourself not to.

Depending on how recent the breakup is, having sex with your ex has the potential to be a huge setback. Why would you risk throwing away all that okay-ness you’ve worked toward, just because your ex wants to act like things are different now?

8. Good sex leads to bad decisions.

Some of the best sex of my life has come from people who were all wrong for me. But the chemical design of sex says that “good sex” means “good partner”, even if logic tells us that’s not the case. We’re designed to fall for the people we hook up with, if they get the job done right… And this isn’t the right time to make bad decisions.

9. She doesn’t really care about your happiness.

If she did, she’d want you to stay happy, instead of bringing herself back into your life to mess with your emotions. Trust me on this one. No one who values your happiness is going to pressure you into anything, including mind-blowing orgasms.

10. You can’t exactly start over fresh.

No matter how mature you are, the chances of being able to start over with her on page one, without ever thinking about the things that happened during the relationship, are… Well, pretty slim. Like really slim. It’s really hard for our brain to separate the past from the present when they deal with the same person.

11. You can’t exactly pick up where you left off, either.

Maybe the two of you were engaged, or living together, or whatever stage of the romantic spectrum – that’s all well and good. But this is something new, and your heart isn’t going to be in the same place it was when you broke up.

12. You’re just being nostalgic.

Nostalgia can be a great thing, since it helps gloss over the negative memories and make ourselves more accessible to the happy ones. But if you’re thinking about getting back with someone who did you wrong, nostalgia is your enemy. It’s going to push you to conveniently forget the bad things for a while until they start to resurface, and you feel completely blindsided that she’s still exactly the same.

13. There’s nothing stopping her from doing the same things all over again.

Humans are creatures of habit, and short of an epiphany, we’re pretty much doomed to keep repeating the things that we’ve been doing all along. Sometimes, this is good – but you should let someone else see if she’s changed.

14. Your hand knows you better – so go with that!

If there’s any debate whether you should sleep with someone or not – even a glimmer of doubt – you shouldn’t. Consent should come freely, and even if you want to have sex with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea. Do the job yourself tonight, and see if you still want to have sex with your ex by the time you’re done – chances are, you won’t.

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