Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. It a good thing then that my girlfriend and I agree on absolutely nothing. Combine utter, polar disagreement on everything, ever, with the fact that I am a text-book ‘Only Child’, and she the second-youngest of five – and we’re warming up.
So feel my pain, when you read about some of the things we’ve argued about.
1. Preparing a fruit salad.
That’s correct. To be precise the way one should cut a Kiwi Fruit in half (along its length or across the middle).
2. Leaving the bathroom door open.
Three times a day that one, minimum.
3. The best way to wash up.
4. Those little toothpaste speckles you make when you brush your teeth in front of the mirror.
5. The way I eat food.
I eat a chocolate bars without the need to snap them into individual pieces. My GF accused me of doing this, ‘deliberately to annoy her’.
6. The amount of time I spend on the computer. (OK, fair enough)
7. Which type of hover to buy
Price wasn’t an issue, it was the principle.
8. Where to sit in the cinema
On those occasions when we a) manage to agree to go to the cinema together and, b) go to see the same film once we’re there. (No, really).
9. TV Viewing.
She enters the room. I’m watching television. She announces ‘we’ should watch something together, which means she doesn’t want to watch what I’m watching.
10. She wants to paint our bedroom blue. I have no words for that.
11. Watching films on the TV.
What she likes, is to sit by me while I narrate the entire film to her. ‘Who’s she?’, ‘Why did he get shot?’, ‘I thought that one was on their side?’, ‘Is that a bomb’
‘JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!’
12. Or she adds her own commentary to a film.
With such interjections as, ‘Hey look! They’re the cushions we’ve got’, ‘Isn’t she the one who does that yoghurt advert?’ and, ‘Oh, I’ve seen this – he gets killed at the end.’
13. She thinks I’m shallow
My GF thinks I’m shallow because… I spend over an hour doing my hair in front of a mirror. During this argument, usually in the bathroom – our second most popular location for arguments – She’ll say ‘None of the other women I’ve been with,’ (my, but it’s all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that).
14. She makes me carry her stuff
She refuses to carry a bag, yet needs to bring out multiple items, which either get slipped into my pockets or bag.
15. I’m not arguing, then why are you yelling debate
16. Me commenting on her outfit choice.
17. The TV Remote.
There are four causes for argument…
1) Ownership of the TV Remote: this is signified by it’s being on the arm of the chair/sofa closest to you – it is more important than life itself.
2) On those blood-freezing occasions when you look up from your seat to discover that the TV Remote is still lying on top of the TV, then one of you must retrieve it; who shall it be? And how will this affect (1)?
3) Disappearance of the TV Remote. Precisely who had it last will be hotly disputed, witnesses may be called. Things can turn very nasty indeed when the person who isn’t looking for it is revealed to be unknowingly sitting on it.
4) The TV Remote is a natural nomad and sometimes, may the Lord protect us, it goes missing for whole days. During these dark times, someone must actually, in an entirely literal sense, get up to change the channel; International Law decrees that this, “will not be the person who did it last” – but can this be ascertained? Without the police becoming involved?