When you open Tinder, you never know what you’re going to get. You might find your soul mate, you might find a serial killer. The hot girl with the colored braids might turn out to be a catfish with a dark past. Every swipe is a risk – no, an adventure.
And who are you likely to meet on this adventure?
TYPE: The Taste-Tester
The Taste-Tester is a lesbian. Probably. She’s not sure yet. Maybe she’s bisexual? She’s only dated guys, but she thinks girls are cute, so would you like to try it out?
How to spot one: She sounds nervous, and makes a point of stating that this is her first time. “I’ve never done this before” is code for “I might suddenly leave, decide I’m straight and break your heart.” Proceed with caution.
Great for: anyone who doesn’t mind showing a baby gay the ropes.
Bad for: anyone who drives a U-Haul to first dates.
TYPE: The Unicorn Hunters
The only thing better than sex with a stranger is sex with two strangers.
The Unicorn Hunters are a fun-loving heterosexual couple looking for a “unicorn” – a bisexual woman who will have a threesome and then leave without expecting any emotional attachments. Basically, a free human sex toy.
How to spot them: The first profile picture is of a beautiful girl – which is why you swiped right – but subsequent photos feature a mildly attractive guy with his arm around this girl. They’ll probably start their Tinder conversation with “threesome? ;)”
Great for: anyone looking to experiment with no strings attached.
Bad for: anyone with personal space issues.
The Waldo is that girl. Wait, no, that girl. No, that one. Her profile picture is her surrounded by a bunch of hot girls, so it’s impossible to tell which one she is – you swipe right in the hopes of winning the lottery, only to find out that she wasn’t the one you hoped she was.
How to spot one: Her pictures are large groups. If there is a solo pic, she’s probably silhouetted against a sunset under the pretense of looking “artistic.”
Great for: anyone who believes beauty is more than skin-deep.
Bad for: anyone hoping to find a hot girlfriend to show off in front of their ex.
TYPE: The Salesman
The Salesman thinks that you should follow her on Instagram, check out her website, purchase a few products and tell all your friends. After all, the most effective form of advertisement is a free dating app, right?
How to spot one: One of her profile pictures is of a product. Her bio lists her full contact details, including her LinkedIn and her speaking fee.
Great for: anyone looking to purchase haircare products from a stranger.
Bad for: anyone who doesn’t want to hand over their money to a stranger.
TYPE: The Man
The Man knows you’re a lesbian, but you’re just a lesbian because you haven’t slept with him yet. Besides, everyone knows that lesbian really means “bisexual” and bisexual really means “I’ll sleep with everything.”
How to spot one: Sometimes these accounts are just men who put “Female” in their facebook profile so that they can access the Women for Women Tinder section. Sometimes these men are catfishing you behind pictures of cute girls they culled from Google Images. If the conversation starts with “so are you into men?” or an eggplant emoji, think carefully about your next move.
Great for: straight women.
Bad for: lesbians.
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