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6 Apologies From The Friend Who Gets Absorbed By Her Girlfriend

Are you tired of your friend falling off the face of the earth when she gets in a relationship? Here’s what she wants you to know.
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Most of us have been there before: One day, your friend comes by introducing you to her new girlfriend. Then, the next thing you know, it’s been six months since you’ve seen her (and over a month since you’ve heard from her). Contrary to the popular belief, not every lesbian is like this, but chances are, you know at least one.

I’ll admit it… I’m that friend.

I really try not to be. I try to make a point of texting my friends from time to time, just to let them know “Yes, I’m still alive.” But I notice that I usually end up checking in with only one or two friends, and somehow the rest are still in the dark.

Not too long ago, one of my best friends told me she was on her way to pick me up for a sushi date because she hadn’t seen me in a while. The only problem was that I had moved over three hours away… Six months ago. (Whoops.)

I don’t know why I do it, either, and I can’t tell you why your friend does – but I can tell you, we’re sorry.


1. I’m sorry I’m the wifey type.

I don’t usually disappear right away when I’m in a relationship, but right around the time I fall in love, I just go ghost. Usually, my partner and I are living together at this time, although that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes I’m just spending as much time as I can with her in the hopes that I can learn her inside and out. (Okay, that sounded creepier than I meant it.)

I tend to fall into the habit of taking care of my partner. I enjoy a pretty simple, predictable life, so for me it’s easy if I know I’m waking up every day to the same face, and seeing the same face when I go to bed. I nurture the relationship and cater to my partner’s needs. Sometimes this means my friendships suffer a little, but rest assured – things will balance out in time.

If your friend seems to be absorbed by her girlfriend, consider the possibility that she’s trying to nurture the relationship. After all, she probably trusts that you’ll still be there once her relationship has blossomed. Are you going to prove her wrong?


2. I’m sorry I work a lot.

When I’m not spending time with my partner, I’m usually working. If I’m not going to be with my girlfriend for a while, I want to invest that time into making myself better – because I want to build an empire and grow. I know, I could stand to cultivate my friendships as much as my empire, but I’ve got dreams – and believe it or not, you’re probably in them.

I aspire to be the type of woman who plans these huge surprises for her friends, her girlfriend, and her family. The people closest to me mean the world to me and I want to find a way to show that – but not if it means giving up on what I need to do.

Sometimes, when you think your bestie has been sucked up by her girlfriend, it might just be that she’s busy. It’s a bit unfair to us as “the absorbed” to assume that it’s always because of our boo, after all. (Not that she’s not part of it, too!) Many women are guided by their dreams, and good friends will support them in the pursuit of these goals.


3. I’m sorry I don’t drop everything for small talk.

I’m bad at small talk, and I know I’m not the only one. I message people when I have something specific to say, and I call people never (unless they’re giving me money!). I’m just not much of a communicator – but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a chat if I’m not busy. Sure, I could send you a message – but you can send me one just as easily.

If you want to talk to your friend, send her a message! Most likely, even if she really is completely absorbed, she’ll get back to you if you just reach out to her. We like to blame our friends for being absorbed, but we forget the phone goes both ways.


4. I’m sorry I don’t keep my phone in my hand.

Okay, so there have been a few times when I’ve come back to my phone after it’s been on silent all day and I’ve got tons of messages and calls from my friends. I always feel like a jerk – but then I remember, my phone isn’t a big priority to me – and the guilt goes away a little.

I actually have a pretty bad habit of leaving my phone on silent, or keeping it in my room and then going into my home office. Other times, I have it by me, but I’ve got headphones in and can’t hear it ringing. No matter what I do, I miss calls and texts all. The. Time.

If it seems like your friend is ignoring your calls and texts, try to give her the benefit of the doubt – not everyone keeps their phone on them all the time! It’s really not that likely that your friend is really sending you to voicemail every time. (Unless she’s not really your friend, or she’s trying to get busy!)


5. I’m sorry I suck at staying in touch.

Really, this is the biggest apology we have. It’s not something we do consciously, but we can’t stop ourselves from falling out of touch. I’m so, so bad about this, even when I’m not in a relationship. (But it’s definitely worse when I am.)

Some people are just really bad at keeping in touch with someone, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love our friends. There are some friends who I still consider my besties, even if we haven’t talked in a few months.

Maybe your friend is just like me – bad at keeping in contact with people. Honestly, if I didn’t live with my girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t keep in touch with her, either. It’s nothing personal, and it’s not always because of the girlfriend, either. Try and trust that she still feels the same way about you.


6. Sometimes, I’m sorry my girlfriend sucks.

I’ll admit it – there’s been once or twice that I’ve fallen out of touch with my friends because my girlfriend asks me to, and I listened. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I did, and there’s not really anything I can do about that now… except apologize and try not to do it again.

Every now and then, when you think your friend’s been absorbed by her girlfriend, she really has, and it’s an intentional thing. She probably doesn’t mean anything bad by it, and chances are the relationship isn’t going to work out in the long run anyway.

Just let it run its course, but make sure she knows you’re still there for her. After all, the worst relationships often end in the worst break-ups – which call for help from the best besties. If you think your friend’s girlfriend is really bad news, she’s going to need you when it all falls apart. Will you be there for her?

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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