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6 Tips For Lesbians Who Always Seem To Get Burned

Dear burned women, it will get better – but only if you make it better.
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Some of us are pretty much destined to be pushovers. Sure, we can break out of this cycle, but it takes a fairly constant effort to move past the person we used to be. I know – I’ve been there. For a long time, I was a total sucker in my relationships. If I liked a woman, I’d do pretty much anything for her – and every girl I was with, pretty much, took advantage of that situation.

The funny thing about this is that I had people telling me that it wasn’t my fault – but in a way, it was.


1. You teach people how to treat you.

This means that, if you consistently let someone treat you badly, and you do nothing to stop it, you are teaching them that you are OK with that. Whether you actually feel that it’s OK or not, if you let someone treat you like garbage, in time she will start to think you think that you’re garbage.

Instead of simply saying something when she treats you like garbage, you need to take a stand. Once is an accident, twice is a habit – so don’t let it happen more than once.


2. If you’re consistently choosing bad partners, you are devaluing yourself.

Remember when I said that I was in a slew of bad relationships where the woman took advantage of the situation? While no one deserves to be treated poorly, to some extent, you do choose your partners – therefore, if you notice a pattern forming, it’s quite possibly due to the choices you’re making.

This happens a lot when someone thinks that they need to be in a relationship to complete them. They will act like a sponge, sucking up every horrible woman in their vicinity – anything to make themselves feel complete. Instead, you should focus on making yourself a better person. Learn to love yourself! It seems cliché, but if you don’t love yourself, you aren’t going to draw the right type of attention.


3. You deserve to be the best – so be the best for yourself.

One of the most important steps in attracting a better partner is to be a better person. Often, this is just a matter of your frame of mind, but it will have to be a conscious decision – you’re not going to magically grow and get better unless you actively try to be better.

This will be hard at first, particularly if you come from a background that has led to you undervaluing yourself. But I promise you, it is so important. You need to learn how to be your own best friend. This will not only boost your confidence (which makes you more attractive to the women who aren’t just looking for someone vulnerable), but it will also teach you what you deserve – and help you to stand up against anyone who’s not the best for you.


4. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Even if you have been treated like garbage your whole life – or if your horrible relationship has been going on for years – you are under no obligation to stay in that situation. You are free to step up at any time, and you don’t owe anyone any explanations. Sure, your girlfriend should know why you’re leaving her – but if she treats you like garbage, chances are she already knows, and she’s pretending she doesn’t know so that you’ll stick around.

For me, I didn’t get the strength to stand up for myself until it was literally life-or-death. All at once I felt a surge of strength, and the woman who thought I was going to put up with everything she threw my way actually begged for another chance. But I had already given her too many chances – enough is enough. Please, please don’t wait until your life is on the line before you stand up – it does not make it any easier.


5. Your happiness is just as important as your partner’s happiness.

Those of us who find ourselves continually getting burned are usually the ones who value their partner’s happiness more than their own. I know there are a lot of people who say that you should treat your partner like the king/queen they are – and this is important. But the only people who deserve this treatment are those who would do the same for you.

If you are continually putting your partner on a pedestal and validating her actions to others, this is not healthy, and it’s not love. This is idolatry. You and your partner should be equals. Neither of you should be subservient to the other, and neither of you should be twisting the situation to suit your own desires. You are in this together, and both of you have the opportunity to leave you if it’s not right.


6. You will find someone who treats you right.

One of the most painful parts of being stuck in a cycle of being burned, healing your heart, and then being burned again is that you grow to think that’s normal. (It’s not.) One day, someone will come along who sees your true value – and she will do anything in her power to keep you happy. Best of all, all she asks for in exchange is that you treat her right, too.

In my case, this woman came along before I was ready for her. I still had a lot of healing to do, and to this day I still am not 100% sure that things aren’t going to go sour. But she is good to me, and I do my best to be good to her – and that’s all anyone can reasonably ask.

I know it’s hard, and it never really gets any easier. But some of the things most worth having are the things that are hard for us – and this is no exception. Trust me, you are worth every bit of effort – and one day, someone will feel the same way. Wait for her, and stop wasting your time on women who can’t see your worth.

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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