When it comes to getting over your ex, there are so many different “words of wisdom” being passed around. Or, as I’d like to call them, “words of wis-dumb” – because some of these things are really, really dumb. One of the worst ideas that’s passed off as a good idea is the idea of just getting with someone else. The thought process is that you can’t love two people at the same time, so by forcing yourself to love someone new, you also force yourself to get over the person who broke your heart.
There are a few different problems with this theory, though. First, it implies that you can choose who you love – which, we all know, couldn’t be further from the truth. You might be able to choose who you’re with, but relationships don’t actually imply love – nor does love imply a relationship.
Second, this implies that your feelings for your ex are more important than this new woman’s feelings for you, which is really a selfish way to start a relationship. When you use someone for a rebound, it’s more likely that you’re going to end up with two broken hearts than it is that you’ll mend the one that’s already broken.
Lastly, it’s just wrong – and here are a few reasons why. If you have more reasons to add, feel free to mention them in the comments!
1. Because her feelings are just as important as yours.
It is entirely possible to love two people at the same time – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for someone to only get half of your heart. This woman could actually love you the way you need to be loved, but if you’re still hung up on your ex, you can’t love her the way she deserves.
2. Because no one deserves to be used.
Even if she knows about your situation and says she’s okay with it, chances are, she’s not. It’s a lot healthier for both of you if you wait until there’s no confusion in your heart.
3. Because relationships shouldn’t be about making a statement.
I’m not saying I’ve never dated someone to prove a point. (Hello, you’re talking to someone who’s had multiple “boyfriends of convenience” before I was ready to fully come out.) But that doesn’t make it right – and it can seriously hurt the other person, especially if they don’t know that you’re just using them.
4. Because you need time to be single.
If you get with the rebound girl, you’re effectively screwing yourself out of your actual recovery time. You might not want to be single – but you deserve to be single for a while. Not because you did anything wrong (necessarily), but because there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first.
5. Because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
The only reason you should be with someone is because you want to be with them. Logically, this means that any other reason is wrong.
6. Because no one wants to be someone’s rebound.
Okay, this one’s a generalization, and I have known some people who don’t do “official” who really like being the “stepping stone” between a healthy relationship and self-acceptance. But these people are in the minority, and generally tend to be the type to start the rebound process before the previous relationship is over. Just don’t.
7. Because it doesn’t work.
Getting with someone else just to help you get over someone else will backfire. The way we’re programmed, we get attached to people we have sex with and cuddle with and spend a lot of time with. But falling for one person won’t free you from your attachment to the other person – you’ll just get confused.
8. Because you deserve better.
You deserve to have a real relationship, and that means you’ll need to get through the hard parts the right way. You deserve to give yourself time. You deserve to pamper yourself without someone new calling for your attention. You deserve to process your feelings instead of just masking them. And most of all, you deserve to give your whole heart to the person who deserves it – without anything holding you to the past.