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I Feel So Self-Conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s…

How do you stop feeling like you don't "measure up" to your partner? Our expert shares advice on body confidence.
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Q: I Feel So Self-conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s

Dear KitschMix,

Anyways, I decided to write to you because I really really need an out-side perspective on the situation. Maybe I need someone to set me straight. Usually I’m the person who everyone turns to for advice and stuff, but I’m the worst for taking my own advice…

I fucking hate my body. I adore my girlfriend’s body. She is fucking gorgeous. She has played sports all of her life and has more of a toned-up athletic build. Me? I fucking hate sports, never played sports. I have the classical hour-glass figure – fairly big tits, small waist, and wide birthing hips with a lot of junk in the trunk. Now here comes the problem: I can’t stop feeling self-conscious when I look at my girlfriend’s body and then when I look at mine. I don’t have a flat stomach; I have a soft pudgy one. I don’t have perfect perky tits; I have big soft ones. And I hate them.

I hate most of my body. I always have since I was a teen. I’m not really THAT overweight, but yes I am definitely carrying an extra few kg’s that need to go. I feel like my body feels so ugly compared to hers. I can’t stop noticing every flaw, and this isn’t doing me/us any favours when we go to have sex. I LOVE sex. I’m a very sexual person and have a much higher libido than my girlfriend but I only feel comfortable with sex in very dim lights and preferably when I’m wearing a t-shirt or a bra or something, and I’m sick of feeling like this.

My girlfriend loves my body and loves my curves, she always tells me that but this doesn’t seem to help me.

I HATE feeling like this. I realise that it’s a MASSIVE mood-kill and probably a massive turn-off when I get into these horrible self-hating moods. I love my girlfriend so much and I only hope that she loves my body just as much as I love hers.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Did anyone ever manage to resolve it or get out of this terrible way of thinking? I’m going crazy here. Thank you for reading!

Reader, I see a lot of myself in you. I have had difficulties with my own self-confidence for much of my life. It can be especially difficult when I’m with someone thin, as I have never really been small. It actually got worse after I lost a lot of weight – I felt that my “new body” was too soft, and the woman I was with at the time seemed to be perfect. I couldn’t identify that we were actually about the same proportions at the time. It’s possible that this is your problem too.

It’s always hard to learn to love your own body, but it’s something that we all need to do at some point in our life. Some people are able to love themselves at a very young age, and others will struggle with it their entire life. I’m still struggling with it myself, and I probably will for my entire life. There have been times when I’ve completely stopped sex because I couldn’t stop focusing on my own flaws.

It’s important to know that it may very well be a long process to get to loving yourself, but thankfully there are a few things you can do to improve the situation. None of it will work immediately, and it may feel like an uphill battle for much of the time. It’s important that you keep trying until it becomes a habit.

  • Try to eat better. Every small substitution can help you feel better about yourself, even if it doesn’t take the weight off. In fact, the weight itself isn’t necessarily the problem; if you try to focus too much on losing weight, it can bring you down even further. Instead, make small, healthy substitutions for some of the worst offenders, and don’t beat yourself up for indulgences every now and then.
  • Try to exercise, in small bursts. Not everyone can run a marathon – so don’t bother with that, at least at first. You should begin with going for small walks, or even jumping on a trampoline – just something fun that gets you active. Of course, sometimes the sex can be the exercise – but this isn’t likely the case until you’re more comfortable with yourself.
  • Try to keep a journal of your feelings. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it can be helpful to log your emotions, especially as they pertain to your body image. Being able to look through the way your feelings cycle can help you pinpoint whether these emotions are tied into your hormones (in reference to your menstrual cycle) or if they are unrelated. If you find out that it has something to do with your hormones, you might want to look into treatment for PMDD. This term references symptoms that are similar to PMS, but much more severe, and is marked by the onset being about 7-10 days before your menstrual period.
  • If you decide to keep a journal, try to keep track of your measurements. In some cases, just being able to see that your measurements are a good “average” for your height may be enough to reassure you. Of course, self-measuring is difficult, and it is possible that you won’t be satisfied with your first measurements – this can help you determine whether you’ll need to work more on diet and exercise. Just remember that your health is more important than the numbers you see, and keep things in perspective.
  • Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. You should be able to tell her when your body image is not doing very well. It may be a mood killer, but it can help her to understand what’s going on in your mind. If she loves you, she will want to know how you’re feeling so that she may be able to help alleviate the bad ones.
  • Find something you’re good at, and devote some time to it. Sometimes your body confidence can be helped by an overall confidence; that is, finding something that you can be super confident about to help make up for an area you are less confident in. It won’t completely fix the problem, but it can help to distract you from it.

It’s up to you to determine which tips work best for you, and as I previously mentioned it may be an uphill battle. If nothing seems to help you feel better about yourself, it may be worthwhile to seek professional counseling. Sometimes these issues are much deeper than just a self-confidence issue, and it’s important that you don’t ignore the signs of something more serious if they exist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you can get your confidence levels where they should be. Please don’t hesitate to contact us again after you have made some changes – we’d love to know how they worked out for you!

 

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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