Author Archives: Barbara Ward

About Barbara Ward

Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

Why It’s Worth The Wait

Sometimes it’s worth waiting to have sex with someone.

Often we find ourselves in a rush to do things. Whether it’s a rush to get to the bank on time, a rush to the store before it closes, or a rush up the corporate ladder, we find reasons to keep ourselves busy and methods to keep ourselves less patient. Sometimes, that instant gratification can be wonderful.

But what would happen if you didn’t give into the temptation?

You’ll want it more.

If you have to wait for something, you’re going to want it more. Just like when you were a kid waiting for your birthday – the closer it came, the more you wanted it to happen already.

That childlike anticipation is still inside us. I’m guessing that you enjoy sex much more as an adult than you ever enjoyed your birthday as a child. Just think of how much stronger that burning desire is going to be if you have to wait for it!

You’ll be more sensitive.

Although we do our best to be good to our partners in bed, sometimes we’re just not feeling it. There are a million things that can cause a lack of sensation, but usually they’ll go away in time. If you wait until the feeling comes back, you’ll be more receptive to each other’s needs and it will feel even better!

You’ll be more creative.

For those who have sex all the time, it can be fun – but at a certain point it begins to become routine. If you force yourself to wait awhile between trysts, you’ll be forced to come up with something new – and you’ll have more time to think it up!

You’ll enjoy teasing.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone – some women don’t like to be turned on unless they’re going to be “serviced” soon. But for those of us who enjoy being teased and tantalized, it can do wonders for your libido if you’re forced to tempt each other instead of giving into the urges right away. You can take a “temporary abstinence time” and just tease each other through text messages or sultry looks. When it’s time to give in, you’ll be inseparable.

We shouldn’t be in a hurry all the time.

Especially when it comes to sex, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to rush in every time. Just like anything else, there’s a greater appeal if we have to put in some effort. It can be frustrating, but the more frustrations there are, the more rewarding the outcome is.

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2-Year Relationship And I Barely Know Any Of Her Friends… | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: 2-Year Relationship And I Barely Know Any Of Her Friends…

Dear KitschMix,

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years, we live together now and even have a cat. She is quite a social person and has lots of friends and easily makes friends.

I’m basically the opposite, introverted with some anxiety issues. So whenever she is invited somewhere with her friends, she asks me if I’d like to come, and most of the time I say no as being in a large group of relative strangers is very hard for me (I’ve had panic attacks at her social events before). It’s gotten to the point now where I go to none of these events with her, and I barely know any of her friends.

She says that she’s not bothered about it, but I feel like I really should know them better?

A: Hi Reader,

First of all, something that sticks out to me is that she’s a very social person, and you’re quite an introvert. This sounds like exactly why you don’t know much about her friends, and the fact that she’s not bothered by it probably means that she understands how you are and loves you anyway.

A little-known fact about me: I have severe social anxiety. It’s actually one of the things that drew me to being a writer; I don’t need to interact with people as part of my daily routine, and I can instead choose to do it on my own terms. This last birthday, I had a nervous breakdown when my in-laws sang the Happy Birthday song to me, and I started crying and ran off – and I had lived with these people for the better part of a year!

If you want to get to know your girlfriend’s friends (although it doesn’t seem like she’s bothered by it), consider asking her to invite over one or two for a “mini dinner party” or something. This will be a lot easier on you, as you’ll have a more even ratio of people you know vs. people you don’t know. If it’ll make it easier, invite over someone from your circle as well – whether it’s a friend, a family member, a co-worker… Just someone you know better than you know her friends.

One of the biggest roots of social anxiety (and anxiety in general) is a feeling of being overwhelmed. The easiest way to overcome this is to slowly “water down” the new people with your “anchors” – this would be your girlfriend and someone from your circle. Keep it small, because you’re trying to fight the anxiety away. You want 1-2 people you don’t know with 1-2 people you do know.

If your social anxiety is overwhelming to you already, you might not be able to handle large social settings. Personally, I can’t handle being around even large groups of people I DO know unless I have somewhere I can retreat to. By choosing to have these meetings in your own home or the home of a close friend, you’ll know the “hidden places” that you can go if you need time to regroup.

From my (outsider’s) perspective, I can tell that your girlfriend is accepting of this part of your personality. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be with you after two years, right? Chances are, she knows that it’s difficult for you, and she’ll be willing to accommodate you as you try to get in touch with her life.

(Plus, as an added bonus, new people in small amounts over a long period of time not only increases the size of your own social circle, which is good for your mental health, but can also help you to get over your social anxiety – or at least help minimize it to a manageable level.)

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Need, Want, Love, Respect – What’s the Difference?

In our lives, we often interchange the ideas of needing, wanting, loving, and respecting someone. Does this mean that they’re actually interchangeable?

Over my life, I’ve been in quite a few different relationships. Some were good, and some were bad – but they all offered valuable experiences for me. I learned with every relationship, and learned to sift through the many sentiments that we express to our significant others.

Often times, we use those sentiments interchangeably. This comes from the stance that most of the time, you’ll feel all of them for the same woman if the relationship is serious. However, for those who are less experienced in their relationships, it may be important to note that they’re not the same thing.

I need you

This means that you depend on the person. While sometimes this is an exaggeration, it typically deals with things you couldn’t do for yourself.

For example, if you are financially dependent on your partner, you may need them. Sometimes this is just a case of you being in a position currently that makes it difficult for you to support yourself. However, there are some cases when “needing” someone isn’t a matter of them helping you out, it’s a matter of them holding you back.

Sometimes, in manipulative and controlling relationships, the partner who is in control may make it difficult (or impossible) for the other partner to do the things they need to do. For example, if your partner demands that you stay home and take care of the house, it may be difficult for you to find a job if you were to be separated from your partner.

If you feel that your partner is controlling your finances, it’s important to know that this need doesn’t have to be permanent. While it’s definitely harder to apply for jobs without work history, there are always jobs that can be performed without experience, as well as ways to spin “homemaker” into a resume-worthy experience.

Another situation where you may feel that you need your partner exists when we are emotionally attached to our partner at a level that we feel we could literally die if we were to be separated from them. Obviously, broken hearts are no joke – but if you’re only staying with your partner because it’ll hurt to leave, you’re not in it for the right reasons and it’s best to move on before the attachment gets more severe.

The moral of the story: Needing someone isn’t a bad thing. But if you’re only staying because of the need, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship.

I want you

This is a statement of choice. Whether you mean to say that you want your partner to stay in your life, or it means that you want to be physically intimate with them, the overall leaning is the same. You choose this person, and they make you happy.

Generally speaking, wanting someone is better than needing someone. With “need”, there’s a sense of obligation, which can lead us to feeling trapped.

However, with “want”, we are confirming that it is a desire of ours that this person be a part of whatever we want them to be a part of.

It’s best if you want your partner physically and emotionally, although there are really no “wrong” answers in a relationship as long as the people involved are all happy. Other people’s opinions of our private lives can be factored into the decision, but as long as you’re happy – who else really matters?

The moral of the story: Wanting someone and being wanted by the same person is a wonderful feeling, and usually one of the prerequisites for a relationship to proceed. However, there are still other factors to consider.

I love you

This is much deeper, but it doesn’t always mean that the relationship will last. When you love someone, you invite them to stay in your life, despite their flaws and their shortcomings. Think of your family, for example. If you love a family member, you are willing to look past the things they’ve done – even if these things are directly against you.

I have a few family members who have stolen things from me – jewellery, money, even a few girlfriends. (Not all the same family member, by the way.) Would I trust them with that part of my life again? No chance in hell! But I still love them because they are a part of who I am.

It’s the same in your relationships. Loving someone is helpful to a healthy relationship, but it doesn’t always guarantee that the relationship is healthy.

The actions within the relationship will dictate how the relationship plays out.

The moral of the story: It’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to love someone you’re serious about – but that still doesn’t mean they’re right for you.

I respect you

This is the most powerful of all the statements that can be made by a partner. However, unlike the other statements, it doesn’t get its value from literally saying the words – it gets through by your actions in the relationship.

If you respect your partner, you think of them when you are making your decisions. If there’s something to do that you enjoy, that they don’t like you doing – you don’t do it. It’s not about them controlling you, it’s about wanting to make them happy. When you respect your partner, their desires become just as important as yours.

Respecting your partner also means that you treat them right. You don’t have to be perfect, but respect entails that you give it an effort. If she knows you respect and value her, she knows she has a good thing going.

Respect also deals with your partner’s actions toward you. For example, if she buys you gifts, you let her know that you appreciate the gesture. Feeling appreciated in your relationship is one of the most freeing things you can feel. Often, that’s what we really want most – someone who takes us as seriously as we take ourselves.

The moral of the story: Of all the sentiments you can express in your relationship, it’s most important that you let your lady know you respect and appreciate her, and that she is priceless to you.

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Maintaining Your Butch Identity

Is it difficult to keep your identity “in line” with your life?

Even among the lesbian community, butch lesbians face a fair amount of scrutiny. With the newly gained acceptance of transgender individuals (both male-to-female and female-to-male) in society, many butch women feel pressured to identify as a “trans man” without necessarily feeling that way.

I have even experienced this in my own life, although I do not identify as butch. I have had previous partners who felt that they were “unable” to correct people who referred to them as “sir”, and partners who questioned whether they desired to transition – simply based on the fact that society viewed them as wanting to be men.

Why is it that, in the age of acceptance and understanding, butch women are such a mystery to the rest of us?

Certainly, I’ve met my fair share of lesbians who expressed a genuine interest in transitioning, but it’s important to realize that your “gender identity” and your “gender expression” are not the same thing. Just as “drag queens” are not the same as “trans women”, different too are “butch women” and “trans men”.

In the past, trans men may have been forced to label themselves as “butch lesbians” as there was no readily-available identifier available to them. While it’s wonderful that they are now gaining more acceptance and visibility, it is having the unfortunate side effect of making butch lesbians who wish to maintain their female identity intact without feeling pressured to dress in a feminine manner or present themselves as “men in women’s bodies”.

This puts butch women in a particularly invisible spot when compared to other lesbians. While once women weren’t considered “really gay” unless they expressed themselves as butch, now lesbians are not considered “really women” unless they choose to dress “like women”.

In a community where we already face so much invisibility from the outside, this can be extremely painful when it comes from those within the community.

The difference between gender identity and gender expression

There is a world of difference between how you choose to identify yourself and how you choose to express yourself. There is definitely a world of room for “grey areas” in both labels, but the most important thing to remember is that you cannot assign a label to someone else – no matter how well you think you know them. They know themselves better, I promise.

Gender identity refers to who you believe yourself to be on the outside. It’s definitely not a clear-cut black and white, as we are seeing a new influx of those who identify as “genderqueer” and “androgynous”. This isn’t a flaw in the person – it’s a flaw in the system that tries to push us into an individual label for its own convenience.

Once, the only labels to choose from were “cis-male”, “cis-female”, “trans-male”, and “trans-female”.

Now we also have “genderqueer”, “androgynous”, and “non-binary” – all of which mean essentially the same thing, but perhaps to different extents. The individual label that a person uses should be based solely on their own choices.

Gender expression, on the other hand, refers to how you choose to be portrayed by your outward appearance. Remember in your childhood when you were taught “it’s what’s on the inside that counts?” Well, this is a good place to practice that. Just because someone chooses to wrap themselves in clothes traditionally attributed to the opposite gender does not automatically mean that they wish to identify as the opposite gender.

What can you do to be a better ally?

It’s important that you ask, rather than assume, as to what your masculine-presenting friend or lover chooses to be identified as. If she chooses to refer to herself with female pronouns, a female name, and only masculine clothing, chances are, she wishes to remain female – but it’s always a good idea to ask.

If, on the other hand, your friend or lover chooses to refer to themselves with gender-neutral terms (such as they, or any pronouns they have created for themselves), it’s best to honor those choices.

There is also a tendency of some genderqueer individuals to refer to themselves in both male and female terms, depending on their outward expression at the time. This can be a bit confusing for the allies in their lives, but chances are they will be able to tell if you’re making an honest effort to honor their wishes – and they will appreciate this effort.

Lastly, there is the category of “butch lesbians” who truly wish to identify as men. They may be unaware that this is a legitimate option, as they may have faced hesitation in the past, or they may be uncertain of their commitment to their transition. Some people decide to never surgically transition – and it’s important for you to realize that they are still as “real” as those who do choose to go under the knife. The decision to transition is deeply personal, and truthfully, their anatomy is really none of your business unless you are sleeping with them. (And, even if you are sleeping with them, you would be out of line to try to impose your own labels onto them. It’s their body, not yours.)

Some notes for those who still identify as “butch lesbians” and not trans men

Don’t be afraid to correct someone if they refer to you with male pronouns or other terms. This is your body – you should not settle for anyone else’s definition of who you are. That is for you alone to decide.

Don’t feel pressured to transition if it’s not something you really want. Transitioning is a long process that can be quite expensive and potentially traumatic. The decision to undergo a transition is yours and yours alone.

Don’t feel that you have to hide your femininity in order to keep your “butch” identity intact. Just because you identify as butch doesn’t mean that you can’t be feminine as well. You shouldn’t allow your label to define you so deeply that you lose who you are.

Don’t ever compromise your sense of self in order to satisfy someone else’s requests. They’re not the one that has to live in your body – you are.
Do speak to your partner about how you feel. If she doesn’t identify as butch, she likely doesn’t understand the struggles you go through with your label and your identity.

Inform her – you will grow closer through this experience.

Do adequately weigh your options before making any “permanent” decisions. This is a huge undertaking, and butch women are in a particularly unique situation.

Do feel that you are allowed to change your identity. There is nothing set in stone, and (within reason) you have the ability to change things at any point in time. What works for you now may not work for you in ten years – you should take inventory of your life on a regular basis to see if your identity still matches.

Do understand that you are not alone. Every person’s situation is different, at least slightly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find someone to help you answer the tough questions. Find your own personal support group, and discuss your issues with them.

Do value yourself. The true butch lesbian is certainly a rare creature – celebrate it! You are magical in your own rights. Don’t let anyone dull your shine.

What does this mean for the lesbians in their lives?

I have been friends with many lesbians whose partners have transitioned – and the decision whether to stay together or split up vary from couple to couple. In my personal opinion, your choice to stay with your partner should have more to do with your connection than with your own labels.

It’s also important to realize that the only person who must deal with their identity is themselves. If your partner is in the process of transitioning (whether hormonally, anatomically, both, or neither) – you are of course not required to stay by their side. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences, and if you are only attracted to the female anatomy, it can be difficult to come to terms with the idea of your partner no longer having those female characteristics.

However, just as important as it is for you to maintain your preferences, there is their right to maintain the identity that works best for them. Sometimes these identities change, either due to a new understanding or due to the general fluidity of the human condition. If you find yourself truly unwilling to accept their newly disclosed identity, it may be best for both of you if you part ways. It’s not fair to your partner to be confined to the label that you would “prefer” they fit.

Overall, the subject of gender identity and gender expression is deeply personal for those involved. It will take a fair amount of communication between you and your partner in order to understand where your relationship stands. In an ideal world, everyone would be able to accept their partner for the person they are inside, regardless of whether it matched their outward appearance or not. One should never be pressured into making someone else “more comfortable” through exclusion of their innermost feelings.

Why You Should Stop Looking for Love & Just Enjoy Being Single

Sometimes it’s best to let true love find you rather than endlessly searching.

Love is a tricky subject. It seems like the more we want it, the more it eludes us. Certainly that doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to find love, or even that you shouldn’t hope for it. But sometimes, it’s a lot easier to find something if you stop looking.

If you’re not looking, you’ll enjoy your life more.

Generally speaking, the more focused you are on things that you don’t have, the unhappier you are. This applies to all areas of our life – some areas more than others. When it comes to love, it’s especially true. If you focus on how you don’t have someone, you’re bound to feel lonely and focus on it even more – which in turns makes the problem worse again. It’s a cycle.

If you’re not looking, you’ll be less stressed.

If you’re focusing on finding someone, you’re adding more work into your day. In addition to work, school, your social life, your downtime, and whatever time commitments you already have – you’re looking to add another commitment when none is due. Naturally, the less responsibilities a person has, the less stressed they will be.
That’s not to say that all stress is bad or that committing to someone you love isn’t worth it, but if you make your dating life your top priority, chances are the rest of your commitments will suffer.

If you’re not looking, you’ll be less willing to settle.

When we are desperate for companionship, we tend to make sacrifices in terms of our requirements. It’s not always intentional, either. If it’s been awhile since the last time we’ve had the attention we need, our brain starts to gloss over pieces of people to make them seem more attractive to us. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s generally better to hold off on starting a relationship with a person until you know them a little.

If you’re not looking, you’ll have more time for your friends.

I don’t know about you, but I have a horrible habit when I’m in a new relationship. I’ll completely go off the grid – sometimes for months! If you are this type of person, too, you should keep in mind that going off the radar before you have a girlfriend is just less time to spend with your friends and family.

If you’re not looking, you’ll have less to do.

Generally speaking, most relationships start by accident, and grow based on a connection made over time. Why should you search for love when you’re not going to be able to find it soon anyway? Quite frankly, we as a species are programmed to be lazy – why would we do any more work than we have to?

Because you don’t need a girlfriend.

I know how it feels when you get lonely. It feels like you’ll never be able to fall asleep on your own, and you start to think you’ll never have sex again. The truth is, you don’t need a girlfriend – anything a girlfriend can do, you can do for yourself.

If you miss the feeling of cuddling, you can cuddle with a pillow, or a stuffed animal, or a pet. There are even special beds that cuddle back with you – what a time to be alive!

If you’re missing sex, this might not be what you want to hear: You can “service” yourself. In fact, some people recommend masturbating before you go on a “first date” anyway, as your mind will be less likely to gloss-over the date in favour of sexual release. (I know there are some women who’d like to pretend they never self-service, but let’s level for a second: Everyone touches themselves sometimes. You might not do it often, but you’ve done it before and there are very few good reasons not to do it again.)

Because girlfriends are great, but they should happen naturally.

I have no issue with dating apps or even the idea of being set up by someone. If you want some companionship, and you are of legal consenting age, dating apps are great – but chances are most of your “matches” are never going to be a “girlfriend”. It doesn’t mean the app is bad – it just means that chemistry and intimacy still play a part in the way we love.

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I’m Struggling With The Fact My Girlfriend Was Previously With A Man | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Struggle with the fact that my girlfriend was previously with a man.

Dear KitschMix,

I’m not her first girlfriend, I don’t have any trust issues with her, and I have no doubt about how much she loves me and that she doesn’t want to be with anyone else. But these extremely unpleasant thoughts of her being intimate with her ex are driving me crazy.

She has a daughter, and I don’t know if that triggers it (reminds me of how she came into this world). The thought of her being with her ex-girlfriend doesn’t bother me, just the father of her child

A: Reader, this is something I hear all the time. You are definitely allowed to have your preferences – but allow me to explain how they’re unfair to your partner.

You say you can tell that she loves you and has no desire to be with anyone else. The only person who’s thinking of her and her baby daddy is you. She has had sex with a man, yes – but that was before she met you.

Quite frankly, most women (even those who identify as lesbians, myself included!) have, at one point in time, been with a man. There are a number of reasons for this – they could have had something to prove (my personal reason), they could have wanted to have a child “naturally” (an ex of mine), they may have been confused (numerous other exes), or they could possibly not have a preference between men and women (pretty much covers the rest of my exes).

This can be particularly unfair to the child, believe it or not, because whether the child is aware of it or not, she is indirectly the reason for your internal struggle. She is the reminder of something from your partner’s past that you don’t agree with. If your partner had only been with men before you, but didn’t have a daughter, would you think differently of her? Or is it only because there is a verification of her past?

What should matter to you is what she does now. If she had expressed an interest in returning to men, then this would be a cause for concern. But if it’s an area of her past that you’re having a hard time accepting, you are judging her based on a person that she no longer is.

If you truly can’t come to accept her past for what it is, it’s best if you get out of the relationship before it gets too long and she ends up more hurt. Dragging these things out only causes more pain in the long run, as it can lead her to feel that her time was wasted.

Now I Know I Want To Be With A Woman, How Do I Move Forward? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Now I know I want to be with a woman, how do I move forward?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m 25 and over the past two years have been struggling with questioning my sexual and romantic orientation. Throughout my life there have been signs that my sexuality was fluid but only when I realised I’d fallen hard for a female friend, did it change my entire life. To cut a long story short, I told her my feelings, she cut me off and broke my heart and since then every priority has altered.

Relationships have always taken a back seat for my career all of which hasn’t ended up going the way I wanted but now I think about it all the time. Now I’m finding everything is changing at a rapid rate, I’m drifting from friends, I have no idea what my career is, feeling as if I need to move away and start again and I want a relationship so badly that I know I am just projecting desperation which I know is never good.

Not because I think it will complete me, or something like that, but because I’m so used to being on my own, I now really want to share my life with someone special. The problem is I have poor experience in dating, I’m terrible at the art of seduction and now am committed to finding a relationship with another woman but have no idea how to go about this having only attempted to date men before.

What makes things worse is that I am only just coming to terms with the fact that I am definitely not straight but not completely gay either, (although I no longer see myself with a man, at least not for a long time). Because of all the myths and bad reputations of bisexual or fluid people floating around, convincing myself to accept it has been tough, but the idea of finding someone else who accepts it, particularly a woman who accepts that so far and at my age, I have only had sex with men (albeit really awful) and have never had a long term relationship, seems impossible.

With my lack of romance experience and my fluid orientation and my age, my fear is that I am well and truly un-dateable and will be alone forever. Is there any hope?

A: Well, reader, let me tell you: You are not alone in your discovery of a fluid sexuality. In fact, it’s pretty widely believed that all humans are sexually fluid – some just may not find the catalyst for their desires to change. Sometimes, it happens – and acceptance of it can bring you a great deal of satisfaction on its own.

That’s not to say that exploring it isn’t in your best interest. You fell for a female friend and she shot you down – that’s okay! Not everyone finds love right away. Those fairy-tale movies where the first person you fall for, happens to be the love of your life? Yeah, that doesn’t really happen in real life.

By getting your first female heartbreak out of the way, you’re actually better off. Your pain tells you that you were more than just “curious” – not that there’s anything inherently wrong with curiosity, but it’s important to know where you stand.

You might think this is a late point in life for you to be realizing things about yourself, but the truth is that things can change at any point. I know women who didn’t realize they were bisexual until they were in their mid-to-late 40s. You’re definitely not a late bloomer!

In my experience, women also value different things in a relationship than men do, which can be to your benefit. For example, you say your dating experience with men was bad – it’s possible that the issues you had with them won’t relate to your issues with females. In some ways, everyone wants the same thing, but the truth is, the “same thing” that everyone wants is happiness. There’s no set in stone right or wrong. If someone isn’t happy with you as you are, don’t bother with them – somewhere out there, there’s someone who will think you’re perfect. Whether that person is a man or a woman isn’t really an issue, as you have given yourself “permission” to pursue it in either way.

My advice to you in your future dating endeavors is just be honest, with yourself and your dates. If the person isn’t a good fit for you, don’t try to force it – a little bit of a sting in the beginning will hurt a lot less than revealing down the line that you have been “faking it”. Don’t fall into that trap!

Also, be honest with the women you’re dating in terms of your experience. Some women choose not to date bisexual women – and there’s not really anything you can do about this. It might not seem fair, but everyone is allowed to have a preference. You shouldn’t ask them to compromise their “criteria” any more than you would be willing to compromise your own (even if these criteria are different, as they often are).

I have actually written an e-book on this subject, and I recommend you take a look at it. If you have a Kindle Unlimited subscription, it’s free to read, and if you don’t, it’s only $1. (To be frank, you can sign up for a one-month trial of Kindle Unlimited for that price and find a wealth of books that may help you – but I have only written one.) If you’re interested, you can find it (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0165PQIJK).

I wish you all the best in your journey – in the path to self-discovery it’s inevitable that you will find new things about yourself. There are no wrong answers, as long as you are honest and safe about your exploration.

13 Mind-Blowing Oral Positions To Add To Your Routine

Oral sex is great – but a little variety can make it even better!

I’m not sure about you, but personally I love oral sex. Giving it, receiving it – it doesn’t really matter as long as there’s a tongue involved. Certainly, it’s one of the most pleasurable sexual experiences you can have. But, if you’re limiting yourselves to the same old position, you’re missing out on a great deal of fun!

We have collected a few of the greatest oral sex positions for you to try, and listed them here with helpful descriptions. Some may take a bit of practice to get right, but if your partner loves getting licked and is looking for something new and exciting, every one of them is guaranteed to please once you understand the mechanics behind it.

1. Lateral 69

Lateral 69 is pretty straightforward – get in the typical 69 position, and then turn it on its side. (That is, the partners should be lying down, facing each other, rather than stacked one on top of the other.) This can be especially helpful if one partner has body confidence issues, as it takes the anxiety of being on top of one another away, while still allowing for simultaneous oral gratification.

Additionally, if you have already pleasured each other and this is just round two, it’s much easier on the shaking legs than if you have to support yourself on your hands and knees.

2. Tipping the Scales

Partner A should be lying on her back, however it’s comfortable for her. Then, similar to a 69 position, Partner B should position herself over the face of Partner A, supporting herself with her arms (arch your back if you can – it makes a difference!). The partner on bottom is able to control the movement of the partner on top through grabbing her hips to pull her closer to her face for some excellent oral pleasure. Once one partner has finished, it’s time to return the favor!

3. Major Inspiration

The key to this position is comfort. Using a sex cushion (or a few pillows), the receiving partner should be propped up at the back. Not only does this push the back into an arched position (which greatly enhances the pleasure from oral sex), but the receiving partner will also have a perfect vantage point to watch her lover in action.

4. In Reverse

For those of you who have never had your partner orally pleasure you from behind – you don’t know what you’re missing! The mystery involved with not being able to see what’s coming can add an extra layer of excitement, and of course it just feels good in the first place. In this position, the receiving partner will be on all fours, with her “giver” positioned behind her. At this point, it’s all about that tongue – whether you choose to strictly pleasure her vagina or you decide to add a little cheeky bum play is up to the two of you. (Please ensure that you have your partner’s consent before any anal play.)

5. Face On

The Face On position is sure to please. One partner should be on her knees, straddling her partner’s face. The partner underneath is then free to caress the booty and show off her oral skills; despite the illusion of the partner on top being in control, you will soon find out that the one giving the pleasure has all the power here. I advise that you make sure the “receiving” partner is able to brace herself on a wall just in case she needs to – should the “giving” partner decide to grab onto the legs, the partner on top will be unable to stop her until the giver has decided that she is satisfied!

6. Girl Game

This is really pretty basic, and should be included as part of your cunnilingus regimen. Similar to the traditional position for oral sex, the “receiving” partner will be lying on her back, with the “giving” partner between her legs and orally pleasing her. The only real difference here is that caressing your partner’s body is of the utmost importance – often we get so wrapped up in the sexual acts themselves that we forget (and therefore neglect) the rest of the erogenous zones. Consider rubbing her sides and playing with her breasts, as this is sure to add to the pleasure.

7. Tipping the Velvet

The receiving partner should be seated on the bed, with her back propped up either with a pillow or against a wall (or even both – it’s really up to your comfort). The partner who is giving will then crouch between her legs and offer simultaneous oral and manual stimulation – wiggling her fingers inside while licking and sucking can certainly do wonders for the G spot. (You’ll definitely know when you get it right – the orgasm will be quite intense and you should be able to feel your partner tightening around your fingers.)

8. The Unfurling

The partner who is going to “receive” in this position should have a thick sex cushion or multiple pillows underneath her butt. The goal here is to elevate the vagina higher than the head – the full extent of the incline will depend on your personal comfort zone. The “giving” partner will then sit between her legs, with the “receiver’s” legs draped over her back.

This is ideal for oral pleasure, although you could switch it up with some penetration as well. Be careful that you don’t get too dizzy, though; this position will have the blood rushing to your head, which can enhance the pleasure but can also be a bit dangerous if precautions aren’t taken.

9. Mange Tout

This position requires one partner to be lying on her side, with her top leg pointed to a 90-degree angle in front of her. This allows for the “giving” partner to lay at a right angle relative to her, and please her from behind with her tongue and fingers.

It might be simple to think of it as a “triangle” formation with one of the sides removed (although you could certainly do it with three partners, if you’re looking to supplement in such a way).

10. Down Under

For the Down Under position, the “receiving” partner will be lying on her back with her legs pulled into her chest. The “giving” partner will then get between her legs and pleasure her however she chooses – orally, manually, or even with a toy.

The angle of the receiver’s legs guarantees a wonderful view for the giver, as well as allowing for her to “push back” on the thighs to ensure she has complete control over the stimulation.

11. Sugar Rush

If you’re bored of “regular” 69, consider making this change: The partner on the bottom will still be pleasuring her partner with her tongue, but the partner on top will be using a toy or her fingers instead. Of course, if you get too excited, it’s incredibly likely that both partners will be using multiple pleasure methods; this is fine too!

12. Lip Service

For those who enjoy oral sex, as well as positions of power and control, there’s truly nothing better than sitting on your partner’s face. This particular position calls for your fingers as well.

It can take a little getting used to, both for the partner who is straddling the face, as well as the partner who must maneuver her fingers inside of the other. Once you get the hang of it, though, it’s definitely a power trip you’ll love.

13. Stereo

Once again, one partner will need to be straddling the other partner’s face. However, this time, the partner on top will lean back and use her fingers to pleasure the “giver” – making for a mutually satisfying sexual experience that is sure to make its way to your regular line-up.

While there are certainly other positions to be considered as perfect for oral play, these ones are easy for even beginners to master. When you feel comfortable with your skill level in this area, definitely branch out to other options as well. We’re sure that you will be pleased with the results.

The Pain Of Falling For A Woman Who Only ‘Kinda’ Likes You

At least once or twice in our lives, we meet someone who seems absolutely perfect to us, but to them, we’re just an option. Almost definitely we’ll tell ourselves things like “Well, I can bring her around,” or something to that effect – and we end up hurt in the process. Sometimes, it happens repeatedly – and unfortunately there’s not a lot that we can do about it.

I’ve definitely been through my fair share of this type of pain, and admittedly I’ve put others through it as well. (If you haven’t yet, you probably will.) One of the many mantras in the gay and lesbian community is “you can’t help who you’re attracted to” – and sometimes this attraction can cause pain!

A few years ago, I found myself in this situation. Some friends of mine set me up with someone who I fell inexplicably hard for. She wasn’t a dream boat or anything, she was just average – but that’s a lot of what I liked about her. We weren’t exactly “in a relationship”, but we talked every day for several months. I can’t tell you why I fell for her, as all signs told me I shouldn’t.

One day, I did the stupidest thing you can do to someone who’s only sort-of into you:

I told her I thought that I loved her.

I wasn’t really sure if I did, and she definitely gave me no sign that I should say it – so of course she was taken aback a bit. I knew I definitely wasn’t in love with her (as there’s a world of difference between the two), but I wanted her in my life.

I believe her exact words when she responded were, “I might see something with you in the future.”

At the time, I thought that meant that she saw a future with me – but that’s not what she meant by it. That was just her nice way of saying, “I don’t feel that way about you right now.”

I got so hung up on her that I shut other girls out of my life (including the woman I’m actually with now) and focused on her. I really thought we were going to be in a relationship soon.

Then, she dropped a bomb on me. I heard from one of my best friends that she had been saying mean things about me – things like I was crazy and obsessive, and some particularly hurtful things that my friend never fully disclosed to me. All because of a simple misunderstanding.

Let me make myself clear: I wasn’t messaging her all day like I was when we first started talking – I sent her a “good morning” text, and waited for her to text me when she got off work. We’d text for awhile, and then she’d either go out with some friends or go to bed. I never came to see her, I always waited for her to come see me. I knew where she worked, and occasionally offered to bring something by to her – but she declined, so I never showed up.

But she thought I was obsessive, because she didn’t feel the same way I did, and I thought she did. I had all these thoughts that were really just thoughts, and they were influencing the way I felt.

For quite some time, I was hurt by the things she told my friend – but I still had feelings for her, so I kept talking to her. I explained my misunderstanding, and we continued as “friends”. She knew that I still had strong feelings for her, but she made me aware that she didn’t. Occasionally we’d entertain the idea, but she’d always put things back in their proper place before we stopped talking.

She liked me enough that she would get jealous when I was talking to someone else, but she didn’t really come to see me, nor did she make any real effort to form a relationship. My feelings started to diminish.

After awhile, we started talking less often, and she offered me some advice. She was actually the one who pushed me towards the woman I’m with now – and I couldn’t be happier about it. It’s not that the other girl was a bad person, but we weren’t a good fit. She encouraged me to talk to my partner, and she often asked curious questions about how things were going. Occasionally, something I said would end up bothering her and she’d disappear for a few days, but she’d come back and apologize for being unsure of herself.

Admittedly I was initially quite hurt about her pushing me towards this other woman. It felt like she was just shooing me away! But as I took her advice and started talking to the other woman more, I ended up finding out that she had all the qualities that the first woman was missing… And I had to thank her.

I wasn’t able to actually tell her thank you; at some point in time while I was developing my friendship with my current girlfriend, we had drifted apart the rest of the way, and I hadn’t even realized that she wasn’t on my friends list anymore. I don’t even know what happened – I was too busy moving on!

If you find yourself falling for someone who isn’t falling for you, you have to understand that, most likely, they’re not going to budge. I’ve joked before that my partner and I are a rarity. Our relationship started when a girl I was chasing pushed me towards a girl I was running from.

More likely, your “love interest” isn’t going to react like I did and suddenly give you a chance. More likely, your love interest is going to be like the girl I was chasing – she’s going to do what she has to do to get you to realize that she’s wrong for you. It’s important that you’re able to realize the difference.

The only person you truly have control over is yourself. Don’t count on someone else doing something simply because you want them to, or you’ll end up hurt, nine times out of ten. If it’s meant to be, it’ll somehow find a way – but if it’s not, that’s okay too.

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I’m a Bi Woman, Married To A Man, But Can’t Stop Thinking About Being With Women Again | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I’m a Bi Woman Married To A Man With Kids, But Can’t Stop Thinking About Being With Women Again

Dear KitschMix

My husband and I have been together since early adulthood (10 years). Before him, I had sexual encounters and a few kisses with other women, but then we married and that finished.

But my feelings for women have not disappeared. I now find myself having these sneaky thought and fantasies about hooking up with other women.

I’ve even gone online to communicated with other women, but never follow through. This has happened several times – usually every couple of years.

I am out to my husband and some close friends. He understands in some ways, but not in others. We have a house together, and kids, but I don’t feel attracted to my husband like I once did.

I am trying to feel attracted to him. He’s a really good person and a great dad. I do love him, but I haven’t felt in love with him in a long time – possibly ever.

I am trying to deal with the feelings I’m having about this, like, if I would eventually want to leave him for a woman, is it better to do it sooner? Or stay together for our kids even if I feel like cheating and am unsatisfied sexually? Do people successfully have open marriages when this type of scenario occurs?

I’m so sad to think about just about every scenario of my romantic and sexual life at the moment. We are open to the idea of a threesome but it’s hard to make it actually happen and I don’t know that it would change anything. How can I move forward?

A: Dear reader,

Let me start by saying that I don’t think cheating is ever the right answer to a situation. All you’d be doing by sneaking around is postponing the inevitable, as well as hurting your husband and maybe even your kids. The only situations where polyamory (open relationships) work is when all partners involved know the situation and are willing to agree to it.

Even then, there’s a chance it could end in jealousy and pain, but if you’re sneaking around the pain is inevitable.

Let me speak to you from personal experience for a minute. I’m a product of a break-up. My parents weren’t right for each other, and neither of them wanted to force it – so they broke up.

I still got to see both of my parents, and even though I had ideas when I was a kid that something magical would happen and they’d end up together – as I grew up I realized what was really right. If they would have stayed together for me, I would have been the reason for their unhappiness.

This wouldn’t have been fair to me as a kid, and it wouldn’t be fair to your kids, either. Definitely don’t keep your kids away from their dad, but don’t stay together for their sake. That never works out.

If you think that this is just a phase you’re going through (we don’t like to admit that sometimes it is), consider explaining to your husband how you feel. Tell him that you would like the freedom to be able to see women. Hey, some men are okay with the idea, and he’ll be there waiting for you when and if you come back to him. However, there are of course some risks with that scenario.

If you think you aren’t now, nor will you ever again be attracted to your husband, the best thing to do is to move on with your life. Imagine how he would feel if he finds out ten years from now that you were faking it for half your marriage – it wouldn’t be pretty. The divorce will hurt for awhile, but it won’t hurt as bad as the shame of being lied to.

By all means, you’re going to do whatever you feel is right in the end – but lying to the people you care about is a cruel way to handle your business.

From Victim to Survivor

One in four women will be subject to sexual violence in her lifetime – but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in it.

When I was a teenager, I was a victim of sexual assault. My attacker was someone I had known for most of my life, as is the situation with many sexual assault cases. I choose not to get into the specifics of that particular experience in my life, but instead I would like to share with you some of the ways to move past the “victim” mindset and move into the “survivor” mentality.

First and foremost, if you are experiencing sexual assault (or any type of violence), you need to understand that it is not your fault. Your attacker may place the blame on you, but it is important that you know this is not true.

It doesn’t matter what you were wearing.

It doesn’t matter if you were attracted to the person.

It doesn’t matter if you had said “yes” to them previously, and changed your mind.

No means no.

Whether you say no once or a hundred times, no means no. This is even true if you have said “yes” in the past. Consent over your body is given on a case-by-case basis, and just because someone has had permission to touch you in the past does not automatically mean that they have your permission to touch you now.

In some instances, the perpetrator of sexual violence may use “sexual pressure”. This represents a grey area, because no physical force was used – but they may continually push the issue until you give in. It’s important that you stand your ground. No means no, it doesn’t mean “ask again later”.

It’s not your fault.

Often, in any type of assault scenario, the perpetrator will place the blame on the victim. It’s important to understand that this is a manipulation tactic used to keep you from getting help. It is not your fault, no matter what the person says.

If you end up pressing charges, the people who are fighting the case will do everything in their power to convince you that it was your fault as well. This isn’t necessarily because they don’t believe you. But sexual assault is a serious accusation, and the ability to claim sexual assault when it may have simply been someone who regretted their decision to have sex with that person is very real. They need to be 100% certain that you were, in fact, abused.

There is no excuse for sexual assault.

Many perpetrators argue that the victim “made” them perform the assault, whether they aroused them and didn’t follow through, or they were dressed provocatively, or anything, really. It’s important that you know that sexual frustration does not lead to sexual assault on its own. Sexual assault is not sex – it’s violence.

Regardless of how you choose to dress or how you choose to present yourself, no one has rights over your body except you – even if you’re married or otherwise committed. If someone is forcing themselves on you, there is no scenario in which you “deserve” it.

You are not alone.

As many as one in four people experience some type of sexual assault in their lifetime. Honestly, that’s a scary fact – it means, chances are, in your inner circle of friends, at least one of you either has been attacked or will be attacked in the future.

As scary as this can be for those who have not experienced sexual assault in their lifetime, it is actually a benefit to those who have. This means that you will be able to find someone who has been through it and can offer you their advice. (If you are unable to find someone, I am always available to talk to. Feel free to submit your contact information to the KitschMix website and I will do my best to personally answer you. You should never feel that you are alone in this.)

There are ways you can protect yourself.

While of course we hope that you never need to protect yourself, there are things you can do to help prevent it. Many of them are considered “common knowledge”, yet women may think that they don’t need to exercise these cautions if they are only around people they know and trust. This is not necessarily true, as most acts of violence are committed by someone you trust – you are more likely to have your guard up if you are around people you don’t know and trust.

Since my assault, I rarely leave the house without personal protective devices, such as a knife and pepper spray. Be sure to check your local laws, as even in cases of self-defense, you can get in trouble if you are carrying something that is not legal in your area.

An inability to protect yourself does not mean you are weak, or that you secretly wanted it.

In my situation, the person who initiated the assault told me, flat-out, “It doesn’t matter what you say, because I’m stronger than you.” But, in order to move past the trauma, you will need to regain your ability to feel strong. That doesn’t mean that you were weak in the beginning. It simply means that the other person was able to take advantage of a vulnerability.

Another argument that is often used is that “the body has ways of stopping these things”. This is not necessarily true. Your attacker may try to put it in your mind that you must have wanted it or you would have not let it happen. The truth is, we can have our vulnerabilities exploited, which results in the attacker winning. This doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you.

Yes, it can still be sexual assault if the perpetrator is female.

There’s this myth that women can’t be rapists – and it’s important that you realize that is entirely untrue. Any sexual conduct that is forced on you is rape, whether the perpetrator was a man or a woman. There have been cases reported where a man is taken advantage of by a woman – but these don’t get as much attention because there’s this misconception that “women can’t rape”. A woman can most certainly rape a man or another woman, even if there was no penetration involved, from either party.

You have the right to seek help.

Unfortunately, in many instances, nothing can be done about sexual assault, as the victim will feel that they are unable to seek help until long after any evidence is gone. Generally speaking, in instances of a man sexually assaulting a woman, there is about a 48-hour window in which you can have a “rape kit” performed, and yield accurate results. In instances where the perpetrator is a female, your window may be even smaller, so it’s important that you act as soon as possible.

In my personal experience, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone what happened until almost a year later. Obviously, this was too late to prosecute the person who assaulted me. However, I was able to open up to a police officer and make a report against the person – and found out that it wasn’t his first offense. If a report is filed, the authorities are more likely to take future accusations seriously, and while you may never get your own justice, you could be helping to save someone else.

You deserve better.

If the person who is (or was) performing the sexual assault on you is a friend, family, or lover – you have the right to terminate the relationship. You don’t owe them an explanation. They don’t deserve to be in your life if they can’t treat you with respect.

No person who truly loves you would put you through the trauma of sexual assault, even if you are married or committed to them. If they loved you, they wouldn’t have done it, and they wouldn’t even consider doing it. There is no such thing as a basic animal instinct that prevents us from knowing right from wrong.

You are not doomed to be “a victim” for the rest of your life.

Certainly, there will be a period of time where you feel that you have had a piece of yourself stolen from you. This is a completely natural response to a traumatic situation. However, you don’t have to live in that place for the rest of your life – you can move forward and regain control of your life.

One of the first steps you’ll need to do in order to stop being a “victim” and start being a “survivor” is to talk to someone about it. Trust me, I know it can be hard, especially if the trauma is still fresh – but the sooner you tell someone, the more likely they can help you. I waited to tell, and the problem continued for months – causing further agony. If I had spoken up sooner, someone could have helped me put a stop to it.

If you have been assaulted…

I invite you to share your story with me. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, you can submit an anonymous comment on this page and I will personally respond to it. I have been through this and I know how hard it can be. But you are beautiful, you are loved, and you deserve to be a Survivor.

Love At Second Sight: Why Second Dates Should Be Classed As The ‘Real’ First Dates

Sometimes, your first impression is the only chance you get. Thankfully, sometimes it’s not.

I’m sure we’ve all been there before – a first date that’s going so horribly. You couldn’t find the shirt you wanted to wear, so you’re in your “back-up” shirt. Or, your car stalled on your way to the restaurant, so you were ten minutes late. Certainly, these things can make a bad impression sometimes.

Luckily, some women are aware that these things happen, and are more forgiving – and they may give you a second date even if you screwed up the first one. This is an amazing opportunity!

First of all, sometimes a first date is just plain bad, and it’s completely out of your control. Maybe you booked a restaurant at a steakhouse, only to discover that your new boo was a vegetarian. Maybe you offered to take her out to a movie, and then there was nothing that you wanted to see (that wasn’t sold out). Hey, these things happen, and you shouldn’t dwell on them!

For your second date, there will be a lot less pressure – which seems counter-intuitive, since you’re likely to do better if there’s less pressure. You’ll already know a bit of background information about each other from the first date, and will therefore be able to pick something more suited to her tastes. These are both incredibly helpful things that are really difficult to achieve for a first date. (The obvious exception here is if you’ve been “dating” for awhile on the internet, and this is just your first time meeting face to face.)

On a second date, you’ll know exactly who you’re looking for, so you won’t accidentally approach someone who sort of looks like the description you have of this girl (if you’ve never met face to face before).

You might know something small that she likes, and you can bring a little gift. (Make sure you don’t overdo it, though; it can be a bit suffocating if you give gifts that are “too big” too early in the relationship.)

Most likely, in the first date, you’ve already uncovered some topics that could count as shared interests between the two of you, and maybe even some topics that are considered taboo. This is helpful, as it can help give you a framework. Sure, it won’t be a script, exactly, but it’s easier if you have at least something to go on.

Furthermore, just by getting a second date, it’s almost guaranteed that this woman is, in fact, interested in you – something that you can’t always tell by a first date. If you already know she’s into you, you’re less likely to do things that you think will make her like you more, only to find out that she can see right through you. Of course, you should never be lying to your potential dates anyway, but that’s another story altogether.

It’s important that, if you do get a second date, you do everything reasonable in order to appeal to what you’ve learned about her. This will not only show her that you were paying attention to the things that she told you, but it will also let her know that you intend to make her happy in the future. You shouldn’t honor every single request if she has high demands, but you should do enough make sure she feels like a valuable new part of your life. After all, isn’t that the point of dating?

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Butch vs. Femme: The Ultimate Misconceptions

For the entirety of my life, I have been caught somewhere between a girly-girl and a tomboy. I love the idea of getting dressed up in makeup and high heels, but I’m more likely to throw on a tank top and a pair of sweats. In fact, until recently, I joked that I didn’t know how to be a girl – wearing makeup made me feel like a drag queen, despite having no inkling of a desire to transition.

That being said, the labels of “femmes” and “studs” themselves can carry a bit of a stereotype around them. Just as with all stereotypes out there, just because it’s “sometimes true” doesn’t make it the rule. I’ve had the chance to be with both studs and femmes, as well as the chance to be both labels – and I have determined that the most common myths are as follows:

Myth #1: Studs don’t have feelings.

Sure, some studs may bottle up their emotions because they have a tough outer image they feel the need to portray. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have any emotions. It just means that they think their image requires them to hide them. If you’re dating a stud, it’s important that you let her know that you care about how she thinks and feels – she doesn’t have to be “the man” all the time.

Which brings us to:

Myth #2: Studs want to be men.

The topic of transition comes up a lot these days, because it’s getting a lot of media attention. However, not every stud wants to transition into a man. Those who do will usually be in a state of pre-transition already, and probably won’t be seeking out someone who identifies them as a woman.

It’s not about how you appear, it’s about how you identify – which is exactly the same reason a “trans woman” is not the same thing as a “drag queen”.

Myth #3: Femmes are really bisexual.

This is a tough one, because both feminine lesbians and bisexual women are considered invisible by both the common media and the lesbian community. We perpetuate this idea that if a woman looks or seems straight, she must be. It’s 2015 – there is a difference!

Myth #4: Studs can’t be bisexual.

Honestly, I was with a stud for a while who prided herself on being “the gayest of the gay”. However, she wasn’t really; once we were together, she confessed a strong desire to have sex with men.

There’s nothing wrong with that, really (except that she did it while we were in a relationship), but because of the way she presented herself, she thought she wouldn’t be taken seriously if she was honest about her desires.

I’ll say it again: It’s not about how you appear, it’s about how you identify.

Myth #5: Femmes are helpless.

When a woman is keen to take advantage of the gender roles prescribed to her by society, we are inclined to think that she fits into a predetermined box. That’s usually not the case. I know very few women who are actually helpless, and one thing I’ve learned is that the way they dress is no indicator of what they’re capable of.

Myth #6: Studs can only date femmes, or vice versa.

This is another symptom of (outdated) gender roles. When we apply restrictions to who we can date simply based on what we look like, we are limiting ourselves the possibility of finding true love.

That’s not to say that you can’t prefer someone with a different label than yourself – but you are in no way forced to go with what society expects from you.

In my case, I prefer women who fall in between categorizations – but my current relationship is with a stud. Do we get funny looks when we’re both dressed in more masculine clothing? Perhaps, but that doesn’t matter. Your relationship shouldn’t be about making other people happy – it’s about making yourself happy.

Myth #7: You can’t change your label once you’ve decided on one.

This is complete rubbish. I know plenty of women who have changed labels at some point in their life. It’s not unheard of, or even uncommon – but we get this idea in our head that we’re “stuck” with whatever we’ve decided.

Do you still wear the same clothes you did when you were a teenager? Probably not.

Sometimes your style changes as you age. Your choice in the kind of clothes you wear says very little about your actual personality. But if your personality changes, you can always change your wardrobe to reflect that.

Myth #8: Femmes would prefer to “receive” in bed, while studs would prefer to “give”.

Someone’s choice of apparel has very little (if anything) to do with who and how they are outside of their clothes. We definitely hear of more femmes who are “pillow princesses”, and more studs who are “stone butches”, but that’s not a concrete fact – it’s just what gets represented. Surely, most women prefer to both give and receive – although not necessarily in equal amounts.

The same can be true for straight women and bisexuals; it has nothing to do with your orientation, or your style, or anything other than your desires.

Myth #9: Studs are abusive toward their partners.

A few years ago, I actually heard this from a friend. She asked me, “Why do I always hear about some femme letting their stud beat on them?” and I was completely taken aback.

I had simply been sharing with her about my previous experience with an abusive ex – but I never mentioned that the ex was a stud. Why do we tend to jump to the idea that only studs can be abusive?

I think this goes hand-in-hand with the myth that femmes are helpless. It’s not really a fair assumption, when you think about it. The truth is, anyone has the capability to be abusive. It’s not about your style, or your mannerisms, or your orientation.

It deals with mental health issues that may be undiagnosed, or in some cases it’s a temper problem. Simply wearing basketball shorts and sports bras doesn’t make you want to hit your girlfriend.

Myth #10: Studs can only be friends with other studs (and femmes with femmes).

This is ridiculous. If that were really the case, who could us label-free lesbians be friends with? I have friends who fall on both sides of the spectrum, and a fair amount of friends who straddle the line right there with me.

There’s no rule anywhere that says that your label defines who you can be friends with.

I think this one goes along with the idea of who studs and femmes are “allowed” to date, and it’s equally ridiculous.

If you limit yourself on who you can be friends with, you may be missing out on a wonderful opportunity – shouldn’t you base it on something more important than the clothes you decide to wear?

Myth #11: Studs can’t be “girly” sometimes.

My girlfriend, the biggest stud I know, loves The Notebook and is afraid of spiders. Need I say more?

The idea that you have to fit completely within a label has never made any sense to me. After all, we define our own labels – what right does someone else have to say that you’re not “you” enough for them?

Myth #12: Femmes have to be the “wifey” type.

Your relationship should be a partnership. Just because your girlfriend “looks” like a wifey, doesn’t mean that she has to be solely responsible for maintaining the house and taking care of your kids (even if they’re only fur-babies). By the same token, this means that the “hubby” in the relationship doesn’t have to be the one who makes all the money.

If the traditional gender roles are what work in your relationship, great! But most of the time, the balance is shifted a bit, so that the partners will share equally the responsibilities of the household.

For example, I’d much rather spend all my time working than spend any real length of time cleaning. Does that mean that I “should be a stud” instead?

No, because I’m comfortable with who I am, and the balance of responsibility works for me and my girlfriend.

Your mileage may vary, but it’s really up to what you agree on.

What else?

Do you think there’s something I’ve missed? What myths and misconceptions have you heard pertaining to the different labels? Do you think I’m wrong about something? I’d love the chance to speak to you in the comments section about it. After all, this community represents all of us.

My Best Friend Uses Hook-Up Apps To Find Sex | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please get in touch.

Q: My Best Friend Uses Hook-Up Apps To Find Sex

Dear KitschMix,

I hate the fact that my best friend uses hook-up apps to find sex. She’s 32 and claims that she’s looking for a meaningful relationship, but all I ever see her do is fiddle with her phone and shoot out for loveless encounters.

I tell her that she’s being tacky. She counters that I don’t understand how the dating world works these days. I care for her very much and worry about her sexual health and safety. She was badly hurt by her ex girlfriend last year and now I fear she’s vulnerable. How do I protect her?

A: It’s your best friend’s choice to use hook-up apps if she likes – she is an adult, after all, and capable of making her own decisions. For you to call her “tacky” for the way she chooses to run her love life is, in my opinion, a bit tacky in itself.

She is right about the dating world, though. Most people look online to find someone. Not that there aren’t other ways to meet people, too, just that most people use their phones for everything anymore. I met my girlfriend on Facebook, completely by accident – and things are fine here.

I understand your concerns for her safety, but there are other ways you can show this concern than by attacking a choice she’s making with her life. Instead of telling her she’s being tacky, consider talking to her about safer sex, and discuss getting some type of personal protective device (pepper spray, pocket knife, etc. – check your local laws first).If you are actually concerned with her safety, why would you start with anything else?

I do get where you’re coming from, Reader. The online dating world can be a scary place, and sometimes it really is dangerous. She might be going about her search for “the one” the wrong way, but that’s not your decision to make. Sometimes we need to take the “easy way” for awhile. Eventually we’ll get bored of it and allow love to find us – but you can’t force her to take this step.

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How I Lost My First Love To Crystal Meth

Don’t fall victim to the “only one time” myth – crystal meth can take away things you never thought you could lose.

When I was younger, I was into some pretty shady stuff. My biggest influences at the time were, quite frankly, not that good. (However, I don’t place the blame on them – I believe in taking full responsibility for my actions.)

There was this girl I had fallen for when I was 16, but circumstances kept us apart. Either she was with someone or I was with someone, and I never wanted to be the reason for a relationship ending that way. I waited patiently, in the background, until I was 19. Suddenly, she and I were both single – so we decided to give it a shot.

At first, everything was ok, but we ended up moving – separately, to different places. Neither of us had the financial freedom to get a place together, so we were forced to live with family members. We ended up in the same state (that was different than the state we started in), but it was still hard to see each other, as neither one of us drove.

It wasn’t so bad, though – we got to see each other every now and then, when someone was heading that direction, or when I could afford to send her a ticket. One night when she was visiting, I even asked her to marry me. We had only been together a few months, but I had waited so long – I felt like I knew her, inside and out. I knew she had some issues with mental health, as did I, and we had our vices that probably should have been dealt with – but we were happy together.

One day when we were texting, she told me that her stepmom had brought home some meth. I knew she had smoked meth before, but as far as I knew it was in her past. I asked her to promise me she wouldn’t go back to it, and she did.

Except she didn’t keep her promise.

I was beyond hurt – it was literally the first promise I had ever asked her to make me, and she broke it, seemingly without hesitation. We didn’t talk for awhile, but eventually she started messaging me again, telling me she messed up and that it wouldn’t happen again.

It wasn’t too long before things worked out that she could actually come up and live with me, so of course she did. We had been together for a total of about 6 months at this time. I was still hurt from her lying to me about the drugs, and in a moment of stupidity I asked her to bring some up with her.

“I want to try it,” I foolishly said. “I want to see why it was worth breaking my heart over.”

It was only supposed to be the one time – but that “one time” lasted almost a year. I can honestly say that I never sunk to the lows of stealing in order to get it, but I did stop paying any of my bills for several months. She did steal from family – somewhere in the vicinity of $350 once, directly from her stepmom’s bank account. I knew about it and did nothing to stop it. It went against my principles, but, I was in love with her.

Somehow, the drugs took us from “broken but happy” to “completely torn apart”. We would get in nasty public fights that almost resulted in security being called on us (a few times). We would go for walks to “clear our mind” and she would pass out in the road. We would threaten to kill ourselves over not having more of it – and that’s when I realized.

It wasn’t that the drug was worth lying to me over. It was that the drug filled a place I would never be able to fill.

Thankfully, I got out of the drug habit before things got too bad. I was under the impression that she had gotten clean with me – completely casting aside that it works its way into your mind and makes you lie to the people closest to you.

I wasn’t using anymore, but still we had nasty public fights. The neighbors threatened to call the police a time or two. She smashed holes in the walls, and a few times she even broke her hand punching something out of anger. She would break things, smash things, and threaten to kill me.

But I was in love with her.

The entire time, I was still thinking that she had gotten clean when I did. At least, I told myself I thought that; I think internally I always knew she hadn’t. This drug had turned her from the woman of my dreams into a complete stranger – a stranger who wanted to kill me. I refused to believe what was obviously going on in front of me. It was far too painful to admit.

I let this go on for four years. I was too wrapped up in my idea of how she was my first love – I wouldn’t allow myself to see that’s not who she was anymore. The final straw was when she came back into our room after a big fight, mad because I was asleep on the floor. She went on a tangent about how you only sleep on the floor in your own bedroom if you’re trying to start a fight – so she was going to fight me.

Now, you probably don’t know this about me, but I’m a very peaceful person. The only time I find violence to be necessary is if you’re defending yourself from other violence. I am utterly ashamed that I didn’t take the threats seriously before they got to the point of physical violence, but here she was, trying to kill me. She literally had her hands around my throat, telling me how I made her do it.

I’ve blacked out a lot of the details of the big fight, as it’s a painful memory for me, even years later. But I do remember a few important details.

I tried to call my best friend, to see if I had an alternate place to stay, but I couldn’t – because my ex grabbed my phone and threw it, thinking I was calling the police on her. I tried to get out of the bedroom – and she pushed me through the wall by the door. I tried to call on my roommates to help me – and she told them that it was none of their business, and that they should get out of “her” house if they didn’t like it.

When I finally got away and made it to the neighbor’s house, she went so far as to tear their security door apart. You know the type; painted metal that’s easier to see out from than into. She tore the door apart, and “didn’t understand” why my best friend wouldn’t let her “just talk” to me.

I probably would have died that night if it hadn’t been for my best friend.

I’m really not telling you this for anyone to feel sorry for me – it’s just a piece of my story, building into my overall self. The over-leaning message I want our readers to get out of this is meth is not a joke. Even if you are able to get clean, if the people around you don’t, it can still ruin your life.

These days I don’t associate with anyone involved in that lifestyle. I have lost some friends over it, definitely, but I would rather lose some friends than lose my life – and so should you.
Of course, everyone’s reaction is different, so if you’re sitting here thinking “But I would never do that!” you may be right. But that doesn’t mean that the person you choose to use with – be it a friend, a partner, or some random stranger – does things the same way. Hard drugs have a funny way of changing people, and there’s really no way to predict whether it will happen to you or someone you love.

I beg you, if you are currently using – stop. I know it will be hard, and you’re bound to slip up a few times in the process. (I tried to get clean probably once a month, and it didn’t “take” until I finally ran out of money – I valued my principles enough to not resort to unsavory methods, but if it had gone on longer, I may well have.)

If you are dating someone who is currently using – this may not be what you want to hear – you need to prioritize your own safety over your relationship. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the person, things can change at any time.

Sometimes the best course of action is to urge your partner to seek counseling for their addiction. This can be a tricky subject, though, as often in the midst of a drug binge, the addict won’t want to get clean. Sobriety is something that you have to truly want, or it’s never going to work.

In my situation, my partner didn’t want to get clean – in fact, she wanted to keep using so badly, that she was willing to destroy my trust, destroy my home, and even destroy my life, with the intention of ending it – all to keep her drug habit. In these cases, you really only have one option: You need to walk away.

It can be difficult to walk away from someone you care about, but it’s important that you realize, in the grip of a drug addiction, the user becomes the addiction. In a way, you’re holding onto a relationship with the drug itself if you allow it to continue.

For those who haven’t gotten to that point, but you find out your partner is using – it may be best to walk away. Don’t fall into the trap of “Let me try it this one time” – it will change your life forever if you do.

How Do I Get The Spark Back? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please get in touch.

Q: How Do I Get The Spark Back?

Dear KitschMix,

So my girlfriend and me have been going out for over 3 years now. It’s our first “real” (her words) relationship.

When we first got together after about 6 months we started sleeping round each other’s house all the time. We both had 3 months off for summer, and we practically spent everything waking moment with each other.

That’s not to say we had sex all the time, but it was quite regular, and it was fun. She used to buy lingerie to surprise me, and in general we were great together.

I then moved away to go to university, and we went long distance. Obviously we’ve had our ups and downs (long distance is a bitch), but it worked out, and we’re still together.

The problem is she recently (late last year) she got a super busy job, that means she works all week, regularly into the evening, and she then has another part time job at least 1 or 2 evenings a week.

This has all left her with not very much spare time. We generally see each other for 2 evenings a week now, and I’m generally OK with that. Obviously I’d like to see her more, but I appreciate she’s super busy and fits me in as well as she can.

Here’s the issue. We never sleep together anymore. I’ve been home for a few months now, and we’ve had one romantic night together, and even then it was with clothes on. I’m living back with my parents (who are really cool and like her), and I have a double bed. She lives in shared house with a single bed.

She doesn’t like sleeping round my house at all anymore, she says she has anxiety about my parents thinking we just use it as a hotel, and it makes her too worried to even consider sex. However, her house has a single bed, with roommates who all stay up super late, and the door to her bedroom doesn’t even close completely. Like, it jams and you have to shove it to get it to close, but there’s still a tiny gap.

I miss sex with her. A lot. She’s gorgeous, sexy, clever, funny, and I completely adore her, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy. I don’t want to break up with her, but every time I talk to her she either says she’s rarely in the mood and can’t make herself in the mood for me.

I’ve suggested going away, but even that doesn’t work, because she feels like we’re only going away to have sex, and feels too pressured to have sex she might not be in the mood for.

I don’t know what to do. I adore her, and I’ve tried to explain so many times that the lack of sex is driving me crazy, but she just says that sex is something she’s just not willing to compromise on, and that I just have to wait for it to “all click into place”.

I could understand that I guess, but I just don’t see an end to it. There’s nothing big coming up that’s going to change everything, and in the mean time I’m finding it really hard to deal with how incredibly attractive I find her, and yet how little we have sex.

She says sex shouldn’t be forced, and I appreciate that, but surely we should at least make the time to have the OPPORTUNITY for it, if we both were in the mood.

I’m at a loss what to do, I love her, and I adore her, but it’s driving me crazy wanting to be so close to her, but not ever having the opportunity to be.

A: I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but to me it sounds like your girlfriend is just not interested in sex with you right now – and there’s nothing you can do to force that.

It happens sometimes, and it does go away in some cases, so I wouldn’t advise you to give up if you really want to make this work with her.

As far as the locations go, you don’t really have a lot to work with.

She’s right, you know – if you go away, to have sex, it’ll be like you’re going away to have sex. (It’s funny how that works.)

It seems like you don’t have many options right now – so it’s best if you cater to her on this one.

If there’s any way to block her door so it stays shut – I’d do that.

I used to have a door that was slammed too much by an ex girlfriend; when I wanted to be intimate with my new lady, I would stick a laundry hamper in front of it.

It’s not great, but it worked. (Later, at the same house, I ended up moving my stuff into the living room after a dispute with some roommates – we hung a sheet from the ceiling and it didn’t slow us down at all!) If you want to have sex with her, you can’t put too much importance into the location. Work with what you’ve got!

You said she has been working a lot lately – is it possible that the stress from work is causing some friction to her? You could try offering to give her a massage instead of trying for sex. Not only would it be a nice thing to do for her, but it might even loosen her up enough for her to get in the mood. It’s worth a shot, right?

In my personal experience, I tend to veer towards the asexual side when I’m caught up with work. I have a tendency to be a workaholic, and it sounds to me like your girlfriend might be, too.

I try to do my best to remember to “shut down” and make time for my partner, but it’s still hard to put myself in the mood for sex if my mind’s not in it.

Almost instinctively now, my partner knows that if I’m working late a few nights in a row, or exhausted by the time I make it to bed, she should rub my shoulders. I’m not sure how your handiwork is, but my lady knows how to rub out the knots. (Double entendre definitely intended.) Once I’ve relaxed a bit, she starts to slowly “warm me up”.

As long as I’m not super tired by the time I get there, it almost always works. You should try it. Even if it doesn’t result in sex for you, your partner will appreciate it. (And if she doesn’t, she’s not worth your time.)

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Lazy Days: 3 Super Simple Positions To Try With Your Girlfriend Before Breakfast

If your sex life has become a bit boring, it might be necessary to introduce some new moves to your line-up. But what if you’re not very experienced, or you’re worried you won’t be able to keep up with some of the more involved positions?

Fear not – KitschMix has collected a few super easy positions that can help you shake things up without getting shaken up yourself.

These positions are very easy, even for someone who may be new to lesbian sex entirely. That doesn’t mean that they’re short on excitement, though; quite the opposite!

The simplicity of these positions will allow you to easily change them up to suit your own personal tastes, as well as allowing you to master them in no time.

Open All Hours

While receiving oral sex, you may be inclined to move your legs around a bit. This is completely natural, and it’s really your body’s natural instinct to achieve the best pleasure at any given time. This position requires that the partner who is receiving pull her legs up to her chest and hold them there.

The “giver” can assist with this by pushing the legs back, if the receiver is unable to keep them up on her own. Whether you choose to go with penetration or not, this position opens the giver up to an incredible view of the vagina and bum of her partner, as well as allowing for a strong sexual chemistry.

Give it a shot – even if you can’t handle it for too long, you’ll be glad you tried it.

Venus

This is really simple, and definitely sexy. The receiving partner will lay down on her back, while her partner provides oral pleasure to her. By draping her legs over her lover’s shoulders, the receiver will be able to pull her partner closer simply by flexing her legs.

The skin-to-skin contact alone may be enough to send the receiver over the edge, but the body’s natural instinct to tighten up when reaching a sexual high will ensure that the giver knows when it’s time to go hard or go home.

Happy Days

For Happy Days, both partners are to get into a 69 position – but then the partner on top will sit up so that she isn’t providing pleasure to her lover. (I strongly encourage you to give in if your partner begs you, though; making her beg for it can be incredibly sexy and you’ll no doubt want to give into her wishes.)

The partner who is on bottom will be at the mercy of the partner on top, because she won’t get the attention she wants until she’s done a satisfactory job of convincing her lover that she deserves it!

Also read: Bringing Tribadism To Town

Naturally, these three simple moves won’t be the entirety of your sexual activities, but if you’ve been neglecting the basics to try and make your experience more exciting, you may be focusing too much on the learning and not enough on the pleasuring.

Sure, a variety in your sex is never a bad thing, but that variety should definitely include some simpler ideas as well.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to “wow” your lover – sex feels great even when it’s not so complicated.

Her Secrets Are Tearing Us Apart | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please get in touch.

Q: Her Secrets Are Tearing Us Apart

Dear KitschMix,

Six months after I moved in with my girlfriend, I got an anonymous email telling me she has a another girlfriend that live a few streets away. A few days later, a debt collector turned up demanding £600, which I felt obliged to pay. I’ve asked her about it, but she absolutely refuses to open up – telling me its all misunderstanding.

She won’t tell me anything about her past relationships, and expects me to act normal. How am I expected to live like this?

A: Well, reader, the short answer is, “leave her”.

This probably sounds harsh, but think about it. Don’t even think about the e-mail about the other girlfriend; this is just hearsay unless you have proof. Instead, focus on the things you do know – she doesn’t think you’re worthy of the truth.

I have an ex girlfriend that I lived with for a few years, and after awhile I started to notice that things didn’t really add up – and she got defensive any time I asked her to explain. “If you actually loved me, you’d trust me” was the best response I could get.

It turns out, she was cheating on me with multiple people, using drugs, and not paying the bills where we were living – when she moved out, our electricity bill was over $700 past due. She made money, but she wasn’t paying the bills with it! But of course, when we were still together, it was none of my business.

Of course, I hope your situation isn’t as harsh as mine was – but if she refuses to tell you anything and gets defensive when you call her on things, there is a chance that she’s lying to you, and/or being manipulative. Run as fast as you can!

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Why Is It So Hard To Stay In Love?

If we’re taught that you can’t help who you’re in love with, why do we have to fight so hard to stay in love with the same person?

If you’ve ever been in a relationship before, chances are, you know that relationships are a lot of hard work. Ideally, they shouldn’t be all work, but after a certain point you have to make a conscious effort to feel the same way.

Why does this happen, and what can you do to make it easier?

This probably isn’t going to be a very popular opinion, but there’s a simple answer for this:

Not every relationship is meant to last.

Sadly, not every relationship is meant to be saved, and there is also a chance that what you thought was “love” was really misappropriated infatuation. (I know I’ve been there.) If all signs are pointing to how difficult it is to love your partner, consider taking a step back and seeing if you miss them, or if you feel free. Take a look at the criteria below and see which category you fall into:

Problem #1: You grow comfortable with your partner.

After a certain point, you’re not as dazzled by your partner as you were in the beginning. It’s not because they’re any less dazzling. Where once was a brand-new Mercedes, now they’re an old Pinto. They’ll still get the job done, but they don’t have the same luxury anymore. When you start to feel comfortable with them, you no longer think of them as perfect.

Once you’ve grown comfortable with someone, you’ll see them in a way that you haven’t seen most of the people in your life. You may go to the bathroom in front of each other, which can lead to less-than-stunning experiences sometimes. You might have seen your partner give birth, or you might associate them with your family. This makes them less of a “lover” in your mind, and you begin to grow bored.

Fortunately, there are ways to remove some of that “safety”. You can keep an element of mystery while still being in an honest relationship. Have a hobby that’s just yours, for example. Make sure it’s not something that your partner would disapprove of, but don’t actually tell them the details. Keep this one (or two) sections of your life private, just for you, and encourage your partner to do the same.

Chances are, if you’re forced to be apart for awhile, your mind will remember you that you miss them. In leaving out this one part of your day, you won’t feel like they’re tied to every aspect of your life – and you can keep a little “you” time in your day.

Problem #2: You know all of each other’s flaws.

If you’ve been together awhile, you begin to learn things about each other. You’ll learn things about her past that you don’t agree with, and she’ll learn these things about you as well. You’ll know how her breath smells the morning of a hangover, and you’ll know how her temper flares while she’s drinking. Obviously, these are just examples, but you get the picture – you start to see things you don’t like.

In the beginning, we all put our best face forward. We want our partners to like us, so we choose only the best aspects to showcase. However, after awhile, these walls fall down, because we’re more comfortable together. At the time, it’s an intense bonding experience – but when you’re bored, your mind may go to those “flaws” and make something substantial out of the little things.

This isn’t necessarily avoidable; all you can do is prioritize the flaws in order to see what you can handle. If it’s a bunch of little things that aren’t a big deal on their own, why should they matter together? Chances are, some of these flaws seemed cute to you the first time you noticed them. It’s not always the case, of course, but if they were cute once, you can find a way to make them cute again.

If at some point you notice that the flaws really aren’t tolerable anymore (such as, you’ve mentioned them to your partner and they’ve since gotten worse), then it’s time to begin evaluating your relationship on a deeper level. The only thing you can do in this case is to take a mental inventory of the flaws you can’t handle in the future, think about the things you choose to do differently in your future relationships, and move on with your life.

Problem #3: Our tastes change.

This is one that I don’t think gets a lot of attention – sometimes, your taste in women will change over the years. Of course, you can choose to make the effort to make it work anyway, but if the attraction isn’t really there anymore, there’s not too much you can do to force that.

For example, when I was in high school and I first came out, I had a strong preference for extremely feminine, extremely good looking, not particularly intelligent girls. I’m talking the prom queen type. (No offense to any former prom queens, of course!) I wasn’t particularly feminine myself, either; I probably wouldn’t have considered myself very attractive, but I was pretty intelligent. So why was I spending my time with these girls who were so much different than I was? Because I found them attractive.

Later in life, our priorities change. I care much less now whether a girl identifies as a femme or a stud, and I usually tend to go for girls who alternate between the two labels, or choose no label at all. I’ve changed myself, as well – rather than dressing in a pinstriped suit (you know I rocked my prom), I’m just as likely to wear a dress. I still consider myself intelligent – even more so now that I’ve got some real-world experience behind me and noticed that life is not like high school.

My point is, sometimes the person we loved when we were younger isn’t meant for you when you’re older. This is especially true if you met your partner when you were very young, and even into your 20s. Where once you may have wanted someone who was fun and brought the party, now you’re ready for someone who wants a family and a business – and if your partner hasn’t changed to the same point you have, it’s not going to work out.

Problem #4: We’ve been together too long and we’re tempted to explore our other options.

This one can be particularly hurtful if both partners aren’t on the same page. Sometimes, if we feel that we’ve grown “bored” of each other – or we think we’re missing out on experiences we could have had if we hadn’t settled down – it can feel like a tremendous amount of pressure to remain attached to the same person. This is the main cause of infidelity in relationships, and a big contributor to divorce and break-ups.

Sometimes, this falls in line with the “comfortable” relationship we talked about in Problem #1. Other times, we get anxious that we’re wasting our lives, or that there’s a better option out there for us.

I firmly believe that, if you’re tempted to cheat, you’re not with the right person. This doesn’t mean that you can’t love someone and at a later point cheat on them – nor does it mean that polyamorous relationships are doomed from the start. Certainly, there are some people who work better when not in a committed situation, but if you have to sneak around to do it – you would be better off with someone else. Monogamy requires monogamy in kind.

If you’re dealing with this type of a problem in your relationship, you should evaluate why you’re tempted to stray. If it’s something your partner can easily fix, try talking to her about it. For example, if you’re tempted to stray because you’re bored of your sex life, ask your partner how you can spice things up. If it’s not something she can fix, you can try talking to her about your urges, and see how she feels about the idea. Some women may see it as a threat, but others may be surprisingly okay with it. You won’t know until you talk about it.

Problem #5: One of you feels used, neglected, or abused.

This can be another tough position to be in.

Sometimes, it’s unintentional – for example, if one partner isn’t doing her fair share of the chores at home. You feel like you’re being taken advantage of. You could try asking her if she could help you out more around the house. She may respond with something about how she’s tired from work or school, but that she’ll try to make more of an effort in the future. Occasionally, when one partner feels they are being taken advantage of, it is by intentional design of the partner – in which case you should move on from that relationship as soon as possible.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of a simple understanding. For example, my partner told me she was feeling neglected because I’m a bit of a workaholic. This resulted in me setting stricter office hours for myself when she was home – and making a point to spend time with her once I shut down. Feelings of neglect in a relationship are almost always caused by misunderstandings and miscommunication. Sometimes, however, a partner truly isn’t willing to give the relationship its proper effort – in which case it may be best to move on.

If you’re feeling abused in your relationship, it’s important that you realize these feelings are almost never wrong. I have been in situations in the past where I thought I was being abused, but I was afraid of what my (at the time) girlfriend would do if I falsely accused her. You should understand that these thoughts are directly indicative of an abusive relationship. If you love the person, this can be a hard fact to accept, but it’s nonetheless important. If you think you are being abused, leave her and get help.

What now?

Once you’ve determined whether your relationship is worth staying in or not, you can begin to decide which steps are necessary to move forward. If you plan to stay in the relationship, communication is key! The problem isn’t going to go away on its own. Likewise it’s selfish to assume that your partner will figure out “what they’re doing wrong” if you don’t tell them. This relationship takes two players on the same team.

If you’ve instead determined that the relationship is no longer a good fit for you, it can be hard to move on. This can even be true if the love has faded almost completely away. If this woman was a part of your life for a long time, you won’t want to let go – but sometimes you have to.

Finally, if you think that you are in any danger from your choice to leave your partner, it’s important that you take the proper measures to protect yourself. In many cases, you can get a restraining order against them – although the specific laws vary from location to location. Remember, as much as we value love, our lives are always more important than our relationship.

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My Friends Won’t Accept My Girlfriend | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please get in touch.

Q: My friends won’t accept my girlfriend

Dear KitschMix,

My new partner is tricky and challenging, but I like that in a woman. Our sex life is edgy because I never know what she’s going to do next. Unfortunately, none of my circle of friend (gay and straight) don’t like her. I tell them that she makes me happy, but they accuse her of being rude to them, and of isolating to me from them as well.

Now my best friend is refusing to invite her to her wedding and I’m angry. Why can’t people simply live and let live?

A: Reader, I get the impression from your letter that this is a vast majority of your friends who are saying these things. Do you think there might be some truth in them? I’m asking because that makes a huge difference in how you proceed from here.

If you think that the friends are making these things up, and are possibly jealous of your relationship (whatever the exact situation may be), maybe these aren’t friends you need in your life. My current girlfriend, for example; some people tried to tell her things about me that were obviously untrue – but they seem to have been made up of the same components.

If it’s a bunch of friends with one or two complaints each, there’s a chance that they’re just not as good of friends as you think they are. Sometimes our friends change over time, and that’s ok.

However, if a number of your friends are saying the same thing, and there could be some truth to them – this is something you should bring up to your partner.

You’ll have to address the issues individually and see which your partner is willing to work on, and which your friends are being unreasonable about. In the end, it’s not your friends’ job to love your partner – it’s yours.

If your girlfriend is ok with you staying friends with them, separate from her, there’s nothing wrong with that!

Basically, you have to decide which relationship means more to you, and figure out how you can work with that. If you truly can’t decide between them, it’s best to offer the compromise.

Tell your friends that you won’t bring your girlfriend around, but that you don’t want to hear the negative things about her anymore.

Tell your girlfriend that you would like to keep your friends, but you don’t expect her to change who she is in order to suit their demands.

Best of luck!

Toys – What’s the Point?

Sex toys are a tricky position for many. Some women swear by them for times when their partner is unavailable to service their needs, some women enjoy them as a regular part of their sexual activity, and some women are dead-set against them in any rights.

There are equally as many stigmas surrounding them – things that would hold some women back from purchasing them simply because of something that other women (or even men) have said.

Let me firmly state my opinion, before delving into the specifics: I don’t think that toys are a necessary part of the sexual experience, but they can be very beneficial for certain types of sexual play.

That being said, there are definitely some types of toys that are more suited for certain people, and others that are simply not reasonable for these people.

Now that we’ve got the opinions out of the way, allow me to help dispel some of the myths that surround the sex toy industry.

Myth #1: Sex toys reduce the intimacy between you and your partner.

This myth is commonly circulated because people feel that using a piece of plastic, glass, rubber, or whatever the toy you decide to use is made of is somehow less “real” than sex using only parts of your body.

However, in lesbian relationships, the use of a strap-on can allow for greater intimacy than what can be achieved without using toys. This is because a strap-on frees up your hands and allows you to caress your partner while giving her pleasure.

While they’re definitely not a right fit for everyone, it can add a new depth (pun definitely intended!) to your sexual relationship and offers a way to explore your options.

Myth #2: The use of a sex toy means your partner is unable to satisfy you on their own.

This is definitely true in some situations, but it’s not mutually exclusive. In many cases, the use of a sex toy can add extra pleasure that your partner might not be able to provide on their own; however, their agreement to use these toys already proves that they choose to satisfy their partner in ways that may otherwise be difficult.

Additionally, sex toys can be used in conjunction with satisfying sexual activities for a change of pace.

Also read: 12 Positions to Step Your Toy Game Up

Myth #3: Toys are only for young people.

This is really a silly myth, if you think about it. The idea that anything is only allowed for a certain age group is ridiculous!

Older women can enjoy the pleasure brought about by toys just as much as younger lesbians, and in fact their advanced age may allow them to consider new opportunities to introduce toys into their sex lives.

Myth #4: If a woman wants to use sex toys, it means she’s not really a lesbian.

This is a myth that was undoubtedly started by straight men, or jaded lesbians who felt inadequate when their partners requested the use of sex toys in the bedroom. It’s important to notice that the desire for penetration is not directly related to your sexuality.

Although bisexual women may feel a certain feeling of fulfillment if their partner uses a sex toy on them, that doesn’t mean that they’re doing it to replace a heterosexual partnership. It’s simply a different experience.

Additionally, there are some toys that aren’t even meant for penetration – so the thought that these are to replace a man is simply unfounded.

If you are new to the idea of toys, it might be helpful to shop around a bit. Be advised that cheaper toys are not exactly a good choice for a new user – generally speaking, these cheaper toys may be made of a cheaper material and can cause a great deal of discomfort. (As someone who once bought a $12 strap-on before investing in a $90 one, trust me on this!)

It might be fun to get your partner involved in this shopping experience, as well. It can be quite a bit of fun to check online for something that interests you. Keep in mind your own personal preferences, and consider the possibility that your first choice might not be right for you.

Bigger is not always better, and just because something has received rave reviews doesn’t mean it’ll be a good pick for you personally. Shop around and consider all your options before deciding on one to purchase, and keep an open mind for the future.

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What Separates Love From Infatuation?

While we all want to feel like we know what love truly is, often the feelings of infatuation or lust can be mistaken for love.

This confusion can become extra complicated when we rely on movies, music, and television to tell us what to expect.

Romantic movies often have the characters professing their love for each other very early on – which rarely happens in real life. Sure, you can feel strongly about a person and foresee the opportunity to have a loving relationship with them, but having a loving relationship is not the same as being “in love”.

When you are truly in love with someone, you’ll see past their flaws.

This isn’t the same as being blind to their flaws. The old adage “love is blind” is, essentially, a lie. True love means that you see the things that are wrong with them and you love them anyway. Infatuation would lead you to believe that your partner is perfect – when true perfection doesn’t exist. Love means that you know they’re not perfect, but you remind them you’re not going anywhere anyway.

When you’re truly in love, they’ll probably irritate you to no end.

Infatuation means that you’re never bothered by anything your partner does, and you never want to spend time away from them. But when you’re actually in love, you’ll definitely need some time on your own. Being able to look past their flaws undoubtedly means that there are things they do that aggravate you to no end. It’s healthy to spend some time apart.

True love goes both ways.

Many people speak of unrequited love – but the idea that you can be truly in love with someone and they’re not in love with you is a bit silly. Obviously, you can love someone and not be loved in return, but the notion of “in love” itself implies a bond. If that bond isn’t there, you’re not in love – you’re being used.

Falling in love is by chance – staying in love is by choice.

You can’t really help who you love. You can influence it a bit, but it pretty much runs its own course. However, if you want to stay in love with a person, that’s not going to happen on its own. You have to work at it every day to ensure that things continue to get better. True love takes a great amount of effort to maintain, but if you really care about the person (and their effort matches yours), the choice to continue putting forth the effort will be obvious.

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Help, My Low Sex Drive Is Causing Big Problems In My Relationship | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Low Sex Drive Is Causing Big Problems With My Girlfriend Of One Year.

Dear KitschMix,

For some backstory my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, but about a year “officially.” At first I was reluctant to enter a relationship just due to our difference in past relationships. She is my first “real” relationship. Before meeting her I didn’t believe in relationships, didn’t want them, etc. She has had several girlfriends and they’ve all been long time relationships. Because of this I have had more sexual partners and more sexual experience than her. I know this sometimes bothers her, and makes her uncomfortable but I don’t think it’s ever been a problem.

When we first started hooking up she had a lot of anxiety over sex. I tried to be as understanding and helpful as I could, and together we got over the problem and have a great sex life. Except recently I’ve been experiencing a far lower sex drive than normal.

It started a few months ago, and she picked up on it immediately but unfortunately her reaction was to blame herself. She asked me if I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, and other questions like that but that’s completely not the case. I’m genuinely more attracted to her than anyone I’ve ever encountered, and we have the greatest compatibility and chemistry.

Any lack of desire is not on her part at all and yet she still blames herself. I hoped/thought it would be a passing feeling but over the past few months it’s only grown, even against my best efforts to stop it. The problem really came to a head last night. We were having sex and I felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. I felt empty, and lost, and confused.

The biggest problem within this problem is that after thinking about it a lot last night I don’t have a complete lack of sex drive… it’s just lower with my partner right now. I don’t know what to do about this at all. I can still watch porn, read erotic stories, or even fantasize about other people and get turned on but not when I’m engaging in the actual activity with her. I’m afraid that it’s gotten to this point because of the monogamy (this is the longest I’ve been with the same person), and the fact that I don’t really know how to exist in a relationship. I’m still learning I try to tell my partner that but she’s convinced it’s going to be our downfall. What makes me feel the guiltiest is that I’m still prone to having sex dreams, but the ones that turn me on are the ones that don’t focus around my partner. Honestly, this really kills me. I feel like I’m emotionally cheating on her and I don’t know what to do. I know that it’s just my subconscious but it’s destroying me.

At this point I don’t know what I need. It’s not just a break from sex, since I can still get turned on. I never want to do anything with someone other than my partner but right now having sex with her just hurts.

I’ve tried to suggest to her a period (week long/month long) of not having sex to “recharge our batteries” but she always takes offense to this. I just feel really alone with this problem, and the thought of losing someone I love so much is crippling. What should I do?

A: Well, my girlfriend isn’t going to be too fond of this article, but I have something to share with you: I’ve been in the same rut. Very similar, at least. I’m not going to delve into the specifics just in case my girlfriend is reading, but rest assured – I know where you’re coming from, and I get paid to write about sex. Go figure!

To me, it sounds like you’re not dealing with a lack of love, but actually the opposite. When we become comfortable in our relationships, we have a tendency to neglect each other. It seems counter-productive, doesn’t it? I’m sure you’ve heard of “lesbian bed death”, and the truth is that it can affect all relationships, whether the partners are the same sex or not (lesbians and straight married couples definitely get more than their fair share of the stereotype, to be sure). It’s a lot more common than you think it is.

Part of the reason for this is that we know we can have sex with our partner whenever we want – and that makes us want it less. It’s not a challenge anymore. These other women you’re thinking about, on the other hand, have mystery, and especially if you’re coming from a place where you’re used to having the freedom to sleep with whomever you desired when the opportunity struck… It’s quite an adjustment.

What I recommend is that you continue talking to your partner about how you’re feeling, and try to get to the bottom of why you’re feeling this way, to see if it’s something you can change. It’s possible that it’s just an anxiety on your part – sometimes, when we’re feeling guilty about “cheating”, even if we haven’t actually done anything, our sex life can take the back burner. I’ve definitely been there, as well.

I do think that your idea of “taking a break” from sex can be beneficial, with certain limits. For example, when I’m busy with work and I don’t have the time or energy for sex, I look at my schedule and plan out when I’ll be free and hypothetically responsive. Sometimes, a crazy thing happens: When I know I have to wait for it, I want it so much more. Obviously this isn’t always the case, but it works often enough to be considered a good idea.

Have you considered the idea of rolling with the fantasies you have? Allow yourself to think of these other people, while you’re having sex with your girlfriend. (Well, with one exception: If they’re people you could feasibly cheat with, or people you’ve had sex with in the past, I don’t recommend intentionally engaging those fantasies. Try to keep it limited to celebrities and made-up characters.)

I have a philosophy that, if there’s nothing to worry about, there’s nothing to confess. Not everyone may feel the same way – but it’s how I keep jealousy at bay.

Another option would be to mutually “self-service”, while thinking about whatever it is that turns you on. Use a blindfold if you have to, but make sure she can see you. Having your partner know that you’re turned on but she’s not allowed to touch can be incredibly sexy if handled correctly.

Try to think of it as an opportunity to “live out” a fantasy, instead of a roadblock.
If you approach the problem from that standpoint, you may find that your partner is receptive to this “fantasy” scenario – which can result in your sex drive for her blossoming back. After all, you mentioned that you’re still definitely attracted to her.

My third and final option is that you try to push yourself through it. Tell your partner that you need her to work harder to “warm you up”. Maybe she’s not doing the things she used to do that get you turned on – it’s not necessarily her fault, nor is it yours, but it plays into the “comfortable” thing I touched on earlier. Tell her the things you need from her to get aroused. (In my own experience, sometimes it can be helpful if I compromise and allow my partner to be the receiver when she’d rather be the giver.) And then, if she’s making an obvious effort to do these things… Have sex for her.

Your partner should never force this on you, of course, but if you make a conscious decision to try to be aroused, two things are likely to happen.

You’ve already addressed one of them (feeling nothing during sex – even though my partner is the best I’ve ever had, it still occasionally happens that I’m completely unresponsive to her touch). The other possibility is that it will work, and you’ll start to slowly build your sex drive back up with her.

It’s going to take some time, and a lot of communication, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to get through this. The fact that you’ve reached out for help tells me a lot – obviously you want to work past this. There’s definitely not one solution that works for everyone, and even if a solution works for you this time it might not work the next time, but I’m sure you’ve heard it before – relationships take a lot of work!

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The Difference Between ‘Having Sex’ & ‘Making Love’: 9 Intimate Positions ALL Lesbian Couples Should Try

These sex positions make the difference between “having sex” and “making love”!

There are a million articles out there that will tell you how to “wow” your partner with something new and exciting, but what if you and your partner already have passion and chemistry to woo you along?

Sometimes, we want an intimate way to show our partner that sex with them is more than just sex; sometimes it’s more important that we remind her that we really do love her and intend to keep her satisfied.

While intimate sex is definitely not for everyone, those who wish for a romantic sexual activity should give some of the following moves a try:

Fun and Games

This position takes a bit of practice to get right, but once you have it down it’s definitely worth it. One partner will be in a semi-squatting position with her bum pushed to the rear. Her partner will be sitting or kneeling behind her for a bit of kissing.

It seems a bit awkward in the planning stages, but it’s sure to get the juices flowing and ready you for the next step in your sexual escapades.

A Room in Rome

One partner should be lying flat on her back, with her partner sitting over the top of her vagina. The partner on top should have her legs spread to allow the partner on bottom a perfect view, as well as the ability to rub her clit.

The partner on top can caress the breasts and sides of her lover, and then when the time is right you can easily roll over to finish the job.

Swan Dive

In this position, one partner will be lying on her back, with her legs up slightly. The other partner will then lay on top of her – similar to a 69 position, but on her back, rather than her stomach.

She can then rest her head on the bottom partner’s legs while her lover teases and pleases her. It can be a bit difficult to master, but it’s definitely worth it once you get it right.

Ivy

This is similar to the standard, missionary position, but with the partner underneath wearing a strap-on. You will then be able to ride the toy and have complete control over the pleasure you receive.

Wrapping your legs around each other can provide for increased intimacy and control.

Stand and Deliver

If you’re interested in the idea of shower sex or sex up against a wall – this is the ultimate answer. The partner who will be receiving should stand up (against a firm surface will make it easier, but you can definitely do it in the middle of the room if you desire).

Then, the giver should position herself at a lower angle, licking and optionally penetrating. If you’ve never had sex standing up, this is likely the first position you’ll try, but it’s a classic that will never get old. Just be sure that the receiving partner doesn’t collapse from the pleasure!

Magic Touch

If one partner prides herself on her skill with her hands, this can be a great position to demonstrate that. Straddle your partner (who is lying down) and use your hand to simultaneously pleasure both of you.

This has the potential to lead to simultaneous climax, as well as the possibility of the partner on bottom taking control and turning the tables. (There’s something incredibly sexy about being tossed around a bit during your play time!)

Forbidden Fruits

One partner should be seated, while the other partner kneels between her legs, facing her. The seated partner will have perfect access to lick and suck on her partner’s breasts as her lover uses her hands or a toy to provide her with pleasure.

If you get quite worked up, the seated partner will probably decide to use her hands as well – and the kneeling partner will be in a great position to be penetrated.

Sleeping Beauty

Both partners should be lying on their sides, facing each other, similar to the lateral 69 position.

However, instead of both partners pleasing each other, one will get comfortable on the hip/butt of their partner while receiving the ultimate oral pleasure.

Best Finger Forward

Although the name of this position would suggest you use your fingers, it is ideal for play with toys, as one partner will have a wonderful angle for penetration.

Partner A should be lying down in a comfortable position while Partner B lies on top facing her feet. While it would seem that the partner on top is in control, that’s certainly not the case, as she cannot see when the partner on bottom will be alternating between penetration and oral pleasure – leading to infinite satisfaction.

Perhaps one of the most important parts of making love (as opposed to just having sex) is the reminder to your partner of what she really means to you.

For this reason, we at KitschMix encourage you to cuddle after sex and never let your partner forget that you love her for more than just her smoking hot body. (That’s just the icing on the cake!) Don’t forget to give her a kiss and tell her she’s beautiful, every day.

Top 14 Reasons to Love Your ‘Free Spirited’ Girlfriend

Hippie chicks know where it’s at.

Have you ever wondered if you should be dating a hippie chick? As a self-proclaimed hippie, I might be a bit biased – but there are definitely some perks to dating a girl who identifies as a hippie.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to all women who call themselves a hippie – the term itself is open to interpretation, of course – but among those that I hang out with, we generally identify hippie chicks by the following perks:

1. She’s always a free thinker.

She doesn’t do things just because they follow the norm, nor does she do things specifically because they’re against the norm. She always has her own opinion, and she’s not afraid to share them.

2. She’s down for anything – as long as it’s harmless fun.

She’s not going to judge you based on the things you think are fun, as long as they don’t cause harm to yourself, to her, or to others. She also cares about animals, which is why –

3. She loves your cat more than you do.

Let’s be honest: From the minute she moved in, that became her cat.

4. She likes to stay healthy.

This means she’ll love going on a simple date like a walk or a hike – which can save you money! Additionally, she’s likely to know some awesome healthy recipes that you won’t be able to tell are vegan. (Okay, that’s a lie; you’ll totally be able to tell. But she’ll be so cute when she’s making them that you won’t even care.)

5. She doesn’t need you to spend all your money on her.

Some girls want a lot of gifts – but not your hippie girlfriend. She’s just as happy with a single daisy as with a dozen roses, and she probably would prefer the first one.

6. She doesn’t care if you miss a few days shaving.

She might even be of the mindset that shaving is a waste of time (you can’t really deny it, it totally is). If your legs are a little stubbly, she’s not going to care, because “shaving is a symptom of the patriarchy” or something like that.

7. She has great taste in music.

She won’t judge you if you’re not into the same stuff she is – but she’ll turn you onto some great classics like Stevie Nicks and The Eagles.

8. She’s always got something to smoke.

If you’re into getting high, she’s always got some in her back pocket. If you’re not into getting high, she probably won’t push you to do it – as long as you don’t make her quit.

9. She’s probably the creative type.

It’s a proven fact that creative types (such as artists, writers, or even women who make candles) are better in bed. They can bring this creativity to every other aspect of your relationship – just let her show you!

10. She makes love, not war.

She’s not afraid to stand her ground on the things that matter to her – but she’d rather talk it out with love first. If you’re used to girls who are too angry, this can be a real relief.

11. She’ll probably run around the house naked.

After all, clothes are so constricting, and a product of a society that teaches us to be ashamed of our bodies. Your hippie girlfriend isn’t ashamed of her body, which means you’ll get to see it. A lot.

12. She prefers yoga pants and skirts over “real clothes”, any day.

Yoga pants and skirts both definitely have their own perks – not that we’re going to get into them here, but I’m sure you can piece it together!

13. She’d probably let you have a threesome.

Her hippie nature tells her that she should be open to the idea of free love. This could potentially be a bad thing if you don’t have open communication, but if you’re honest with each other (and have been dying to bring another girl home), your hippie girlfriend would probably be okay with it.

14. Because hippies are misunderstood creatures.

Just like a rare and magical unicorn, “real” hippies are unique and hard to find. Once you’ve had one, you won’t understand why you haven’t had one before. Sure, they may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but they don’t care – because they’re happy just being themselves.

The Complexities Of Being Step Parent In Same-Sex Relationship

When dealing with children from a past relationship, it can be especially tough when the new step-parent is the same gender as their partner.

Nowadays, it’s becoming more and more difficult to find a family that consists of a single household.

The statistics point to divorce increasing, marriage longevity decreasing, and of course the wider spread acceptance of homosexuality and bisexuality – these all lead to an increase in multiple-household families, those in which the parents are no longer connected except through the children.

I myself was a child of step-parents. My mother and father weren’t together for very long due to “irreconcilable differences” (for lack of better terminology) and both were married to other partners by the time I was six.

I never really thought anything of it, and in fact I felt that I was better off with the two households than I would have been if my parents had tried to stay together “for my sake”.

That being said, I have a very limited amount of information surrounding same-sex step-parent situations, but it’s always been a subject that interested me.

I have a number of bisexual friends who have children from former relationships, and generally speaking these children seem happy as long as their parents are happy – and isn’t that what matters?

With that being said, there are a number of differences when lesbians and bisexual women have children from a previous relationship.

Sometimes, the parent of the child is bisexual, or recently out of the closet.

In these cases, the parent (and step-parent) will have to decide whether to let the child know about their sexuality. There may be some confusion when the child finds out that their new step-parent is not the same gender as the parent’s past partner.

For especially young children, they can grow accustomed to the idea faster – but some may not choose to share this detail if they feel the child is “too young” to understand.

For older kids, they may be able to figure it out on their own. This can be a good thing or a bad thing – it all depends on how you handle the situation.

If you are honest with your child, the entire process can be made easier. Of course, your decision to come out to your kids (or step-kids) is entirely your decision.

Some people have preferences to not date people with children – and you can’t force them to accept it.

This can be true regardless of sexuality, but many lesbians have a specific preference against dating bisexual women, and they may see your biological child as “proof” that you’re not “really gay”.

It’s not really fair, as bisexuality isn’t an automatic indicator of unfaithfulness. But the fact is you may face women who won’t date you simply because you have a biological child.

This can make it difficult for the single parent, but once they find someone who accepts their child as their own, it’s a magical experience.

Some single parents choose to instead leave their child out of the equation. Again, this is your decision, but it’s sort of unfair to your child.

If you refuse to acknowledge that you have a child, imagine how the child is going to feel when they find out about it (and it’s always a possibility that you have to consider).

In some cases, their other biological parent may stir up drama.

Of course, we hope this isn’t the case. Break-ups are already nasty enough without mudslinging. If your ex happens to get into your child’s head about your sexuality and how it’s “wrong”, the only thing you can do to address this is to live your life in such a way that your ex’s quips have no effect.

Thankfully, these days, your sexuality is unlikely to interfere with your ability to get fair custody of your child. Just keep in mind that a jaded partner can say some pretty hurtful things – and you shouldn’t let these things get to you.

If your ex-partner is the same sex as you, and you are not biologically related to the child, you could face extra problems.

Please don’t take this to mean that you should stay with a partner who is not good to you – we at KitschMix never recommend that.

However, unless you have already signed adoption papers, it can be incredibly difficult for you to prove that you have been a “parent” to the child.

If your ex decides to drag her feet through the adoption process, or changes their mind about your daughter being “your child” together, it’s entirely possible that you will have a long fight ahead of you.

Occasionally, the parent may blame their child when they can’t find a partner.

This is a completely different issue, and it’s definitely not fair to the child. I have known a few people who take it very personally when a partner leaves or rejects them because they have a child.

It’s important to remember that none of this is your child’s fault. It’s not his fault that you and his other parent separated, and it’s not his fault that your new partner doesn’t want kids.

Placing the blame on him is a form of emotional child abuse that is likely to lead to resentment later in your child’s life.

What can you do if you are a single parent looking for a same sex partner?

There are a number of people who specifically look for “RMF’s” (Ready Made Families). While the term itself has somewhat of a negative connotation, it doesn’t have to.

Some people are incapable of having children or they have a preference to adopt, rather than conceive. (I happen to fall in the second group.) For these people, your kids may be a godsend – as long as the timing is right.

Other people aren’t exactly looking to become a step-parent, but they don’t mind the idea. These people may not be specifically looking for what you have to offer, but they are open to the idea of having a child who isn’t related to them.

Wouldn’t you rather be with the person who would accept your child, anyway?

My advice to our readers is that you are open and honest with your children and your partners – and this can be especially true when it comes to their knowledge of each other.

Obviously your child doesn’t need to know every detail of your life, but they should know enough to not be blindsided if it comes up in the future.

My Best Friend’s Ex Wants To Hang Out With Me? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, contact us.

Q: My Best Friend’s Ex Wants To Hang Out With Me?

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend split up with her ex a year ago and has moved on. But since then her ex and me keep running into each other. I really get on well with her, and want to grow the friendship – maybe even a little more.

But I also know she cheated on my ex, and really messed her around. What should I do? My other friend says to stay clear, but I can’t. We get on really well, and I know there is an attraction between us both. I can feel it.

What would you do? I don’t want to end up the bad guy, or a fool.

A: Personally, I’m friends with a few of my friends’ exes – but never anything more. Whether your friend still has feelings for her or not is a bit of a side note in my opinion; I have a philosophy to not “share” with family members – and I consider my best friends to be a part of my family.

You have been warned to stay clear of this ex, and you know that she has cheated and destroyed the relationship with the ex. It’s true that there are two sides to every story, but by the same token there are a few possible outcomes of this scenario:

Your friend is wrong, and your relationship with her ex goes without problems – but your friendship with your best friend is strained because you went against her urging.
Your friend is right, and this girl does you dirty like she did to your best friend – and you can’t really turn to your best friend for consolation because, well, she warned you fairly.
You don’t pursue anything, and possibly stop talking to this girl – and you always wonder what could have been, but no one actually gets hurt.

You need to think strongly about which possibilities you’re willing to accept here. Nobody can really make that choice for you – but I recommend you don’t bother with this ex.

Does she know that you’re her ex’s best friend? Does she encourage the attraction? Are you even sure she feels the same way – or is there a possibility that she’s just trying to make your friend jealous in an attempt to get back with her?

In some cases, women may be intentionally manipulative in order to get what they want. We see it as a character flaw in others, but a strategy when we identify it within ourselves. This scenario has the possibility to be exactly that, and I would hate to know that you had been hurt by manipulation like that.

However, if you’re sure that things would be different with you, and you are willing to take the chance that you’re wrong, and you honestly think that you can (or maybe even do) love her… Sometimes relationships fail because the people were just wrong for each other. That doesn’t mean they can’t be right for someone else.

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The Dos and Don’ts of Using Household Items as Lube

Is DIY lube a realistic idea, or should you stick with the commercial brands?

A simple search for “DIY personal lubricant” shows up about 156,000 results on Google – which admittedly was far more than I had anticipated when I typed it in.

The idea had never really crossed my mind until recently, as I personally have never really needed it. (I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve probably only bought/used lube twice in my life, and the results left something to be desired. Your mileage may vary.)

However, for some women, personal lubricant is a must – even though they’re substantially aroused by their partner, they might not be able to create enough moisture on their own to be effective.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, just as it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong if you produce a great deal of moisture.

It can be particularly helpful if you’ve just got off your period and your cervix has been sucked dry by a tampon, or if you’ve recently had surgery or been prescribed medications that dry you up. (That might be TMI, but it’s a fact you’ll likely have to face at least once in your life.)

Additionally, some women need a little extra help if they’re going to be using toys – we may like the feeling of larger toys, but if your vagina isn’t relaxed enough to be accepting, you’ll probably have to help the process along somehow. This is where lubricant comes in.

These days, though, there’s a push to do more things ourselves and rely on mass-produced products. Often they have preservatives and allergens that can irritate the skin – definitely not something you want in your intimate areas!

Other women may be unable to get commercial lubes, whether it’s a financial splurge they can’t afford, the embarrassment of speaking to the cashier, or any number of reasons.

Furthermore, some women may see it as a spur of the moment type thing – you want a new texture to your lovemaking experience tonight, so you go to the fridge to grab something “fun”.

In itself, this isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but there are definitely some things to remember if you’re going to be using anything other than a reputable brand for your playtime.

1. Don’t use oils if you’re using a condom or dental dam.

Most lesbians don’t use condoms with their female partners, but some like the efficiency of clean-up when using a condom over their toys. Additionally, the use of a dental dam is encouraged if you will be participating in oral sex with either the vagina or the anus.

The problem here is that oil can break down the latex in these products and render them basically useless. It won’t eat a visible hole through it, but it will break it down on a molecular level. Unless you’re using the condom or dental dam solely because you like the feel of it (not likely), make sure to avoid oils and instead find a water-based personal lubricant recipe.

2. Do try essential oils (as long as you’re not using latex products).

If you haven’t had the chance to play around with essential oils, you don’t know what you’re missing. They can be great for massages as they often have an aromatherapy effect on the mind and body, but they’ve also each got a special feeling.

Oils such as ginger and black pepper can cause a warming sensation – although I advise against using cinnamon oil. It seems like a good idea, but think about the viral cinnamon challenge for a second. Then, once you’ve got that mental picture in your mind… Picture it on your vagina. Yeah, not pleasant.

If you prefer a cooling sensation instead, you could try spearmint oil – just be careful that you’re diluting it enough to where you won’t freeze your crotch off. Too much of this oil can make it feel like you’ve got toothpaste down there. Some women might be into that, but personally, I’m not.

If you’ve got some irritation down there (and you’ve already determined that it’s not due to an infection that would mean you shouldn’t be having sex), some lavender oil can help to soothe minor irritants. It probably won’t work as well as a cream you get from the doctor’s, but it’s definitely less embarrassing to go to your local craft department than to your gynecologist.

3. Don’t use anything sweetened if you intend to penetrate.

Sugar and other sweeteners are basically the food of choice for yeast – the fungus that’s responsible for an uncomfortable itch and embarrassing odor. Generally speaking, plain old sugar is the staple, but anything that’s sweet or traditionally edible can be consumed by the yeast fungi and cause their growth.

Regardless of whether you use sweeteners or not, you should always try to wash up thoroughly after sex – or at least use the restroom. It won’t prevent every problem, but the chemical makeup of urine actually helps as a disinfectant, because it’s generally sterile.

Once upon a time it was thought that this was only necessary for penetrative sex with a man, but that’s a misguided assumption. Besides, it’s better to be safe than sorry anyway.

4. Do consider why you want to make your own lube.

Your reasons will affect the choices you make when picking your materials – and you should always think them over thoroughly before you settle on something.

For example, if you’re making your own lubricant because you’ve had an allergic reaction to commercially available lubes, you should ensure that you’re not using any of the products that could have caused the reaction.

Usually, the products you have at home won’t have any known allergens, but it’s safest to avoid all ingredients that you’re not 100% sure are safe for you.

If you’re making your own lube because you can’t afford a commercially available one, you probably won’t want to use an expensive product from home.

Sometimes, something as simple as baby oil can work – this is generally a hypoallergenic substance that can be found at your local dollar store. Essential oils, on the other hand, are far more expensive than commercial lubricants and wouldn’t really be saving you any money to use.

If you’re just playing with homemade lubricants to add a little fun and creativity into your sex life, you’ll want to play around with your options. Find materials that are pleasing to your senses – whichever senses you choose to engage – and try new things when you can.

Certainly, there’s a great deal of creativity behind any DIY project – why would this be any different?

5. Don’t neglect your research!

You want to make sure that the recipe you’re following is reputable. Unfortunately, through the internet, this can be hard to verify. It shouldn’t be impossible, though – check the comment section (if there is one) to see how other users have responded to it, and possibly Google the parts of the recipe that concern you. If you can get a link to another internet user that advocates the use of those materials, have at it!

6. Do communicate with your partner.

Whether you’re using the lube on her, or she’s using the lube on you, or you’re both getting drenched in a slippery sexcapade, you should always talk to your partner about what you’re feeling.

This is especially true in any new sexual situations that are unfamiliar to one or both of you. If the material you’re using is causing you discomfort, it’s best to let your partner know immediately so that you can stop and get washed up.

Also, if a partner notices that the lube isn’t performing its required function – for example, it’s getting sticky when you need it to be slick – it’ll have to be washed off as well. If it’s not getting the job done, scrap it and try something else!

7. Don’t be too serious about it.

In most cases, nothing about a healthy sex life is too serious. If you can’t laugh during sex I firmly believe you’re having sex with the wrong person. Especially if you’re going to be trying something wacky like praying a dildo with cooking spray – seriously, if you can’t laugh at that, your sex life is going to be super boring.

8. Do have fun with it.

Your sex life should always be fun for all parties involved. If you’re not having fun, what’s the point?

New Concealed Carry Law Has Students in an Uproar

There’s a new law being passed in Texas that would allow students to carry concealed weapons onto campus – as long as that concealed weapon didn’t look like a penis.

Texas University music student Jessica Jin is facing a great deal of publicity lately as she has spoken of her intention to start bringing a dildo to her classes with her, starting August 1st, 2016, and her invitations for others to do so as well.

This decision was made in protest of a new “concealed carry” law that will allow licensed gun owners to bring their guns onto the school property, including public hallways and even classrooms. This law is being touted as an effort to discourage school shootings, but Jin’s supporters think that this is a grievous mistake.

Especially, when you consider the fact that Jessica could face serious consequences for her protest. According to Texas University’s code of conduct:

“Subchapter 13–200. Prohibited Expression

Sec. 13–201. Obscenity

No person or organization will distribute or display on the campus any writing or visual image, or engage in any public performance, that is obscene. A writing, image, or performance is “obscene” if it is obscene as defined in Texas Penal Code, Section 43.21 or successor provisions, and is within the constitutional definition of obscenity as set forth in decisions of the United States Supreme Court.”

This would, in theory, cover any type of sexual expression – which, while potentially distracting, doesn’t carry the dangerous risks that would be associated with allowing the guns to enter the campus as the law entails.

Originally, Jin was unaware that this stipulation existed – she was simply planning the dildos to make a statement about how those involved with the new law were “a bunch of dildos” because they couldn’t see how their well-intending “safety measure” was nothing more than Texas’s long-standing opinions on gun ownership.

Gun owners especially are giving Jin a great amount of backlash, with some making accusations that if she were less inclined to make “pointless statements” that she might be able to get an actual human penis – which is a thinly veiled attack at her person, rather than her views. This friction has strengthened Jin’s resolve, and her following – which stands at almost 11,000 supporters on the event’s Facebook page alone.

This preference of gun ownership versus sexual freedoms isn’t a new thing for Texas, however. In 2008, the Supreme Court was involved in a decision that would end a 35-year-long ban against the sale or use of sex toys within the state. The Supreme Court decided that it was not Constitutional to regulate the sexual activities of a consenting adult, and therefore the states had no powers to impose or enforce laws that would limit their sexual expression.

Jin and her followers feel that it’s ridiculous that the school could impose laws that would, essentially, be limiting that guaranteed sexual freedom, while also passing a bill that put their personal safety at risk. After all, there should never be a situation where it is appropriate for a student to have a weapon in a classroom – and many feel that allowing this activity would only be inviting more trouble than it could possibly hope to prevent.

Our society as a whole has taken to criminalizing our sexual lives in whatever ways they feel they can. In the gay community, we certainly feel the most pressure from these laws, but certainly there are a number of other groups speaking out about it as well.

Jessica, we at KitschMix wish you the best in your protest – it’s time to fight back against slut shaming and senseless bans on our private lives!

Relationship Dilemmas: PDA – Cute or Trashy?

Some people view public displays of affection as adorable, while others see them as unnecessary and TMI. What gives?

When it comes to public displays of affection, there are people on both sides of the coin. Some people can’t get enough PDA, and may even be turned on by the idea of watching couples be intimate in public (or being seen being intimate in public themselves).

Others may feel that it’s cute within a certain group – such as older people kissing in public, instant adorable! There are indeed some people who think it’s completely disgusting, too, or those who feel that being affectionate in public is too much to divulge to strangers.

Where do you fall on this list?

I’m a huge believer of “everything in moderation”, myself. Of course when I first came out, I was very hesitant to be openly homosexual in public – and I considered PDA to be one of the ultimate taboos.

As I grew I learned to appreciate it in its right place, although admittedly I still get rather embarrassed when my lady gropes me or tries for a kiss longer than a peck – and yet, at the same time, I’m incredibly turned on by the idea that I may get caught during a sexual encounter.

This is a juxtaposition that doesn’t really make sense, and I’ll admit that. But how do you know what’s “okay” affection and what’s not?

DO – Hold your partner’s hand in public.

Obviously, if you’re not out of the closet, this one doesn’t really pertain to you. Honestly, none of these are going to pertain to you. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you, or with your partner, but being seen in an obvious relationship for someone who is taking advantage of their invisibility…

Well, it could be a risk, always.

If you’re not in the closet, though, you shouldn’t have anything to hide when you’re out with your partner, or even a new romantic interest. Grab her hand and show everyone she’s yours!

DON’T – Hold your partner’s breast in public.

Seriously, guys. There are limits to what’s acceptable in public, and sometimes that’s a grey area. However, if your hands are anywhere inside your partner’s clothes, or the other way around – chances are, you’re going to come across as trashy. There could be children out, or people who are uncomfortable with PDA in the first place.

Of course, KitschMix writers hope they’re not uncomfortable solely based on the gender(s) of those in the couple, but it does happen – when in public space, you should do your best to be respectful.

DO – Give her a peck on the lips to say “goodbye”.

For the longest time, and even now in some cases, I refused to acknowledge my partners in public, aside from certain situations that I had deemed to be “lesbian friendly”. Often times, these ideas were completely in my head, such as around a long-time boss that I’m pretty sure knew that my “roommate” and my “fiancee” were one and the same – and they had met her.

As such, I’m probably not the right person to give insight on this issue – but now that I am fully confident with my sexuality, I find myself sad if I don’t get to kiss her goodbye. Luckily, she has little to no shame – she’ll kiss me pretty much any time I ask. It’s helpful to be with someone who pushes me toward my own self-confidence.

A simple peck on the lips is a loving gesture that shows your partner that you’re not embarrassed to be seen with her, and is usually simple enough to keep most people from getting uncomfortable.

DON’T – Make out with her in front of all your friends.

Seriously, ladies – those who participate in this type of showmanship are often viewed as trashy by their peers and other members of society.

It might be unfair, and certainly it can be hard to resist the urge sometimes, but the fact of the matter is, we in the gay community have to hold ourselves to higher standards than those that the “straight people” hold themselves to. It’s not fair, but until we truly reach full equality, we have to live up to society’s expectations for us if we want to live peacefully.

As a side note, making out with her in public can make you appear “easy” – even if you’ve been together for years upon years.

Strangers won’t know that, and seeing her tongue down your throat isn’t going to gain you any respect – if anything, it will simply draw attention to your private life, and open it up for public review. Most people don’t want this to happen to them.

DO – Show her you love being around her.

Put your arm around her at the movies! You can even watch a movie together and kiss through the whole movie. Channel your inner teenager and show her off – you’re proud of her, after all, and you want her to know that she’s special to you.

DON’T – Show her you’re in the mood, in public.

I’m not talking about the subtle looks of attraction you shoot to each other from across the table; those are definitely a sexy little secret just for the two of you. But if you’re practically getting it on in front of your family and friends, there may be a problem! Understandably, at certain points in the relationship you may feel that tingle every minute of the day – but do your best to control yourself when you’re in mixed company. Most people have no desire to be caught up in the sex lives of their loved ones.

This little guide is meant to be taken with a grain of salt – obviously, you shouldn’t let other people dictate what you and another consenting adult can do – but for the most part, these little tips can help you show your partner that you like being physical with her, without coming across to others as sleazy. Their opinion of you shouldn’t completely dictate your actions, but if we don’t respect the feelings of others, they can’t be expected to respect you in return.