Author Archives: Barbara Ward

About Barbara Ward

Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

What Your Queer Girl Celebrity Crush Says About You

Queer female celebrities have always been such an integral part of our queer culture. Whether the celeb in question actually identifies as lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual, or there’s just a lot of speculation about their sexuality, one thing’s for certain: We absolutely love them.

We’ve taken the time to identify 20 of the most famous out queer female celebrities, with a handy little guide to explain what your crush on that particular woman really means.

Ready? Let’s go! In alphabetical order…

Amber Heard

Your crush on “no labels” actress Amber Heard says that you’re more about the person than how they label themselves – and that’s a great feeling. In fact, Amber made sure to note all the way back in 2011 that she doesn’t really label herself one way or the other – “it’s the person who matters.” Your crush on her says that you care about a person for the person they are, rather than the person they love.

Angelina Jolie

You’re into the classical beauty – strong, yet feminine features, with all the right curves and a seriously fierce pout. Between beauty, strength, and inclusivity, there is no contest – all are equally important when it comes to winning your affections. Besides – with a resume like hers, how could you possibly say no?

Anna Paquin

Your crush on Anna Paquin says that your sexuality is far from the most important (or interesting) thing about you – and in fact, you prefer to keep your personal life as personal as possible, unless opening up will help someone else come to terms with who they are. You love the supernatural world and, TBH, you’d probably rather be a creature from another reality anyway. And, I mean, why wouldn’t you?

Caitlyn Jenner

While many chose to label Caitlyn Jenner’s daring coming-out story as a publicity stunt, you instead chose to accept that it takes a lot of courage to come out later in life, and relentlessly supported her transition anyway. Go you for looking past the public opinion and realizing that all people deserve respect – even if they were once on a reality TV show.

Cameron Diaz

While it was widely reported that Cameron Diaz came out as bisexual, the fact of the matter is that she didn’t – so your crush on her might confirm that you tend to veer towards straight girls. (Sorry!) Not that there’s anything wrong with admiring someone you wouldn’t actually get with, of course, so this might mean that you prefer friendships over intimate relationships – and that is A-OK with us.

Cara Delevingne

You’re into all that snark and sarcasm that we’ve come to know Cara for, but it’s more than just that – she manages to be entirely herself without compromising her exquisite beauty. Plus, she’s friends with practically everyone in Hollywood, so you might even be interested in the party scene – but, to be clear, that’s just a super small portion of who you really are.

Demi Moore

Your crush on the gorgeous Demi Moore proves that age is nothing but a number – and if you got that hot cougar thing working for you, well, that’s even better. Although her marriage with Ashton has already fallen apart, rumor has it that she’s just as into women as she is in men – so, in theory, her next boo could be a young, beautiful woman. (Please let this one be true!)

Drew Barrymore

While Drew has spent most of her life in the spotlight, it came as a shock to many when she came out as bisexual – something that hasn’t put the tiniest hitch in her career. Your crush on her reveals that labels don’t really matter to you, and it doesn’t matter what other people think. Even though she has never sought to make herself a “sex symbol,” per se, she’s still definitely sexy to you!

Ellen DeGeneres

Your love for this Ellen means that you are down to be a pioneer, even if being a pioneer isn’t the easiest thing to do. Since Ellen came out way back when it wasn’t socially acceptable to do so, she’s put up with more than her fair share of haters in that time – but, thankfully, her overwhelming kindness and confidence has prevailed. I don’t think her relationship with Portia is going anywhere, though, so this crush isn’t going to lead anywhere in the foreseeable future.

Ellen Page

Ellen Page is one of the quirkiest actresses on our list, and while she doesn’t often play LGBT characters on the screen, she makes a point to support the LGBT community wherever she can. Your crush on her says that activism is super important to you, as is witty humor – and, of course, that makes her the perfect catch.

Evan Rachel Wood

Even though many people have accused Evan of coming out for the attention, she chooses to educate, rather than hate on the uninformed masses. In 2013, she told AfterEllen,

So I don’t get angry or try to fight hate with hate; I just try to educate.” Your crush on her says that you understand that ignorance isn’t usually a choice, and you’d rather be with someone who is accepting of everyone – even those they don’t really understand.

Kesha

Kesha represents strength through adversity, as we all know the highly-visible ordeal she’s been going through these days. While some choose to label her as someone crying out for attention, your support of her proves that we should all be taken seriously – even if we happen to be covered in glitter. The world needs more glitter anyway, guys.

Lea DeLaria

Lea DeLaria might not be the traditional image of beauty that we see in the world, but your crush on her proves that it’s what’s inside that counts – especially when what’s inside is a whole bunch of sassiness, wrapped in activism, with a bit of dapper to hold it all together. You know that someone’s personality is what makes them so great, and you’re all about being your own witty, vulgar person, even if it makes you a pariah.

Lindsay Lohan

Now, LiLo fans are a little more into the party scene than the Cara fans, but can you blame them? Lindsay had a pretty rough childhood in the spotlight, like Miley, and she had to take some time for herself to get her head back on straight. Your crush on her means that you understand when your romantic interest makes some bad choices – it doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.

Megan Fox

Megan Fox has garnered some negative attention in saying that she, as a bisexual woman, won’t sleep with other bisexual women. However, you realize that it’s powerful to know exactly who you are and exactly what you want – and if your dream girl can do so while looking absolutely fabulous, even better.

Michelle Rodriguez

Action is important to you – all kinds of action, both the kind fueled by love and the kind that takes place inside super fast cars or alongside Danny Trejo. She makes no excuses for who she is, and she won’t let anyone else define her – exactly what you like in a woman!

Miley Cyrus

You’re really into a woman who does her own thing, even if it took her a while to be comfortable in her own skin. You want someone who is unapologetic about who she is, even if that means she doesn’t always fit in with the crowd. The woman of your dreams would never put herself back into hiding just to make other people comfortable – what’s the point in that?

Rachel Maddow

Your crush on political correspondent Rachel Maddow shows that you want a woman who is well-informed and also just a bit sarcastic. Although many disapprove of the way she has spoken about the U.S. President Elect Donald Trump, you want a woman who speaks her mind in any situation – even if it doesn’t win her any popularity. Her witty humor turns you on, and you need a woman who can do the same in your life.

Ruby Rose

Your crush on Ruby Rose tells us that you want someone flexible – a woman who can be either the studliest stud or the most feminine femme, all while looking absolutely fabulous. You don’t even care how much attention she’s getting from straight girls and lesbians alike – she’s bae and that’s all there is to it!

Samira Wiley

Your love for Samira tells us that you are all about using your powers for good. As a Julliard graduate, she chose to forego the more traditional path to perfection and instead bolted into everyone’s hearts as OITNB’s Poussey – at least until her untimely death at the end of the last season. Yikes. Hopefully we’ll have a chance to see her in other awesome stuff, besides just her adorable Instagram pics with future wifey Lauren Morelli.

Did we miss your crush?

Drop us a comment below letting us know who you’d like to see on this list! If there’s enough interest, we’ll do a second list with all the suggestions from readers.

The 7 Best Places to Have a Lesbian Date This Winter

Are you looking for a winter date idea that will help you make magical memories – without breaking the bank? Finding something fun (and warm!) to do during the colder months can be a bit of a chore in itself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ve gathered up 7 of the best inexpensive winter date ideas that can help you beat the cold and bring you closer together. Don’t believe me? Just take a look!

1. Ice skating at the local ice rink.

First, let me throw out a little disclaimer: Please do not try to go skating on a frozen pond. Maybe it’s just my own anxiety talking here, but the chances are pretty good that the pond isn’t frozen all the way through, and you may break the ice in the worst way possible. Instead, opt for a local ice rink – whether indoor or outdoor – and have fun pretending you’re a professional figure skater. Most ice rinks serve hot cocoa and/or cider, too, or you can bring a travel mug full of your own. The best part is, if you’re clumsy (like me) and fall on your bum, you’re already icing it – say goodbye to bruises and lumps and contusions.

2. Check out that local coffee shop.

Local shops sometimes have higher prices than international chains, but for good reason: You’re not supporting some billionaire somewhere… You’re supporting a small family-owned business that often pays its employees better, and at the very least, treats them better. Check out some warm drinks that you haven’t had the pleasure of trying – just make sure you get different things so you can taste each other’s, too. (I’m pretty fond of dirty chai myself, but your experience may be different.)

3. Go to the theater together.

It doesn’t really matter whether you’re going to the movie theater or a local theater production of some obscure musical. With one, you’ll get to see the newest movies to come out, on a much larger screen than you (probably) have at your house. With the other, you’ll get a bit of culture. No matter which you choose, you’ll be getting a perfect excuse to cuddle in public. Opt for a romance – studies show that discussing those movies (and, in theory, plays) with your partner and comparing the things you see with the things you’re actually doing increases the chances of having a satisfying relationship.

4. Hit up your local library.

If you and your partner are both book lovers, the library is a great place to find a new book obsession… Or just spend an afternoon “traveling” to foreign (or fantastical) lands. It’s one of the least expensive ways to experience another culture, and it helps keep the love of local libraries alive. Seriously, as much as I love my Kindle and the books I’ve purchased, sometimes you just want a good book without all the commitments.

5. Go on a picnic at a “summer location.”

Places like lakes, rivers, and community parks often get neglected in the winter time, because people don’t want to sit out in the cold. While I totally understand that side of things, there are almost certainly no crowds at these places right now, so if you want to engage in a little PDA but one of you isn’t “out” yet, off-season is a great time to cuddle up in your warmest clothes. And besides, water sounds are calming anyway – wouldn’t it be nice to leave the stresses behind? (Assuming, of course, your local body-of-water isn’t frozen over… I repeat, do not try to ice skate on it if it is.)

6. Go on a road trip (if weather conditions are safe to do so).

Driving through sleet and snow can be scary and dangerous, but if you live somewhere it doesn’t get quite so grey and gloomy, most people are going to be staying inside. Take advantage of the open roads on non-holidays to play road games, make small (or big!) talk, and listen to the cheesiest road trip playlist you can think up. Just don’t forget to dress warm and plan accordingly!

7. Stay at home!

I know there are a lot of people out there who wouldn’t consider an at-home date to be a “real” date, but if you’re trying to save money and stay warm, nothing beats cuddling up under a thick blanket in front of the fireplace. If you don’t have a fireplace, consider making a faux fireplace and cranking the furnace up – we won’t tell anyone if you don’t.

Radar.TV: Your New Favorite Thing?

A little over a month ago, I was personally approached by the people behind Radar.tv – a new social media service aimed at the LGBT+ community. I’ve taken some time to look around the app and check it out for myself, and I must say – I’m not sure it’s for me. I’m not a video person; my comfort zone is with words and still pictures.

That being said, the app holds a number of promises for the LGBT+ community that I think aren’t being well served by other platforms.

Curious? Here’s what else you should know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAEfuP1OyT8

It’s live streaming, at its core.

I remember back in the day, “cam site” was synonymous with “live porn.” That’s not what Radar is about. Rather, Radar is a little more like a live version of YouTube, but specifically for the queer community. Creators have fan bases, and those fan bases can earn virtual gifts, which can be exchanged for real money (and, similarly, must be bought with real money).

Celebrity influencers are already using the app.

Although my meeting with the team didn’t reveal all of the celebrity endorsers of the app, some of RuPaul’s Drag Race contestants have their own profiles, as does one big celesbian influencer – although I wasn’t told exactly which celesbian this might be. You’ll have to log into the app and figure that one out for yourself!

They stand up for the issues that matter.

When spectators watch the streams available on the app and choose to give one of the digital gifts to the streamer, the streamer receives 60% of the sale price of that particular gift. Another percentage goes to charities that support LGBT+ issues, such as the Los Angeles AIDS Walk and other groups that support HIV education and testing. Additionally, streamers can set up their own customized gifts and designate a portion of those gift sales to a charity of their choosing.

They believe everyone deserves a safe space.

One of the things that the team was most passionate to tell me about was their stance on anti-bullying issues. In addition to any specific charities that the digital gifts may support, they also seek to provide a supportive community of like-minded members so that someone is always there for you. While it might not prevent instances of bullying, directly, we all need someone sometimes – and internet friends can help a lot with that, especially in highly conservative regions.

They know what they’re doing.

Radar isn’t the group’s first project – they’ve done this before, with LiveStar – a streaming app for everyone. And, Joey Hernandez – the man who reached out to me – has been a part of the marketing team for Grindr and other LGBT-focused apps in the past. This combination gives them some extra leverage, even when they start to get copied. (Because, as of today, they are the only all-LGBT+ live streaming app in existence – and you know what they say about imitation and flattery, after all.)

They’re available for your phone.

As of October 20^th, they have both an iPhone and Android app – and I was happy to be one of the first to download the Android version on its release date. Of course, as I mentioned it’s not really my thing, but I can only imagine how powerful this is going to be for people who do enjoy livestreaming.

Whatever you’re into, there’s probably a stream for that.

And, if not, create one! The streamers actually get paid for their content, whenever a commenter sends them a gift. If you’re outgoing and want to make a little money on the side, or just have some fun watching some of your favorite queer icons live, you should definitely check it out – what do you have to lose?

Are You A Narcissist?

Have you ever heard the story of Narcissus? According to ancient Greek mythology, Narcissus’s mother was told that he would live an exceptionally long time, as long as he never saw himself. It was a pretty good plan, until he spurned a would-be lover (one version says a man named Ameinias, while another version says it was the nymph Echo), and was sentenced by the gods to overlook a spring – a spring in which he fell in love with his own reflection and ended up dying. The term narcissist comes from Narcissus’s love for himself, but these days it’s mostly used to talk about someone whose whole world revolves around themselves.

For those of us in the United States, we’ve probably never seen such a clear picture of narcissism as we have in presidential candidate Donald Trump. In fact, Trump embodies almost every trait associated with narcissism, including the inflated ego and overvaluing of one’s own opinions over proven facts. Sigh. Consider me grateful that this whole mess is (probably) going to be over soon, and Trump can just go back to wherever he was before the 2016 presidential race started.

(Meanwhile, if he wins, I might be taking off to join my good friends overseas. Seriously – his running mate wants to trade marriage equality for gay conversion therapy? No, thanks.)

All politics aside, psychoanalyst and therapist Lisa Schlesinger, in an article on YourTango, says that everyone has narcissistic tendencies; the official psychological diagnosis of “narcissism” is just reserved for the most extreme forms. Let’s take a deeper look.

(Please note that her article related to narcissistic parents, but I have adapted what she’s said to apply to those of us who might not have children – many of the same traits are true. Someone with a psychology degree please weigh in if I’m wrong here.)

Narcissism is a totally normal part of human development.

According to Sigmund Freud, children need to go through a narcissistic stage in order to become self-aware. But if that stage lasts beyond puberty, and is classified as “extreme,” it’s then considered a personality disorder. Schlesinger recommends psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis once it gets to these points, stating that “[t]hese modalities of treatment are the most direct way to address your narcissistic tendencies.” But what if you haven’t been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

A healthy amount of narcissism requires that you value your own needs.

Humans (and all other animals) have a built-in survival instinct; this survival instinct relies on the brain’s need to preserve itself before others. You absolutely are the most important person in your life, and it’s essential that you see things that way; if not, there may be other issues at play, such as depression or codependence. What might be even worse is that someone who falls on one end of the spectrum will most likely seek out someone who falls on the other end of the spectrum. We’re not here to talk about depressed and codependent people, though – we’re only here for narcissism today.

Most people fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Narcissists (whether healthy or malignant) tend to hold an image of themselves that may not be entirely true, and they become threatened by anything that challenges their self-perception. Healthy narcissism requires channeling that into motivation to better oneself, instead of taking a defensive stance on the issue and adamantly defending your own hypocrisy. Healthy narcissism also involves feeling empathy toward others, while ultimately putting your own needs – and the needs of those you care deeply about – ahead of the needs of strangers. Of course, things are a lot more complicated than that, but I’m not a psychologist – I’m just someone who enjoys studying mental illness.

Malignant narcissists use others to meet their needs, without regard to that person’s own needs.

While healthy narcissism tries to find the best solution for everyone involved, malignant narcissists treat others as tools to get the things they want, without giving anything in return. They take any available opportunity to pawn their own responsibilities off on others, such as leaving the kids home alone to go out partying. They neglect the needs of their loved ones in order to satisfy their own. They will also make cutting remarks about others, in an attempt to make themselves look better, often with little regard to the truth of the statements they make.

So, how can you tell how narcissistic you are?

Do you see other people as extensions of yourself? In other words, do you think in terms like “my partner” as opposed to “Brianna,” “my friend” as opposed to “Cassandra,” etc.? While this is a minor distinction, most people choose to refer to someone by their role within the person’s life, rather than who they are on their own.

Do you compare yourself to and compete with others? Many people thrive on competition, but most of us can also respect the idea that competition with others doesn’t do anything but make you miserable. The only person you should really try to be better than is the person you were yesterday, and the only person you should really compare yourself to is the person you’ll be tomorrow.

Do you resent demands from others when they take up your time? For example, do you consider your own downtime more important than someone else’s basic human needs, or rights? Most of us support the idea of equal rights (although I don’t have any exact figures here), but we often won’t help others any more than sharing a post on Facebook or tossing a “like” on someone’s status.

Do you pressure others to do the things you like, without taking their interests into consideration? If you’ve ever pushed your partner or friend to do something you knew she wouldn’t enjoy, just so you didn’t have to do it alone, you fall into this category – sorry!

Do you submerge yourself in the lives of others, so deeply that you lose your own identity? Whether you consider yourself “____’s girlfriend,” “_____’s daughter,” or “_____’s best friend,” you fall into this category. To a lesser extent, this also applies to people who idolize celebrities – if you define yourself as a fan of someone else, you are making their existence a fixture in your life.

Are you a sore loser? Narcissists feel threatened when they aren’t the best at what they do – even if someone else was clearly better. Narcissists don’t like losing, and instead of adjusting their own tactics to get better, they blame the other person, possibly even accusing them of cheating.

Do you consider yourself better than others? Even if you keep it to yourself, you’re a narcissist for thinking it. Narcissists take apart the identities of others and assign values to them – even if those values have little to do with who the person really is.

Do you tell yourself you deserve new/better/more things because of everything you deal with? I think anyone who has ever worked retail, and then participated in “retail therapy,” falls into this particular category. (Yes, I’m putting myself here, too – I regularly spoil myself with nice things, because I feel that no one else is going to give me the things I feel that I’ve earned.)

Do you do things in order to gain recognition? The motivation behind the things you do is an important factor here. Narcissists do things for attention or recognition, instead of being self-motivated. For example, do you post selfies in workout gear to collect likes and inspirational messages? If you skip the gym selfies and updates, and instead just go to the gym because you want to improve your physical fitness, congratulations, you might not fall into this one.

Do you trash-talk others to make yourself look (or feel) better? A good friend of mine once told me that “being a hater shows your true insecurities.” He told me this immediately after I was, in fact, being a hater, talking down on someone else for having a body type that made me uncomfortable. Rest assured – this was a few years back and I’m totally over the body-shaming now – but I’d be lying if I said I never did it.

Do you stay with someone you feel is a “bad person” because it’s more comfortable than being alone? While this particular classification can go for narcissism or codependence, the key here is who your partner is bad toward. Narcissists don’t care if the person they’re dating is a total asshole to everyone else, including the other people the narcissist cares about, as long as they treat them nice.

Do other people simply “fit into” your life, instead of being a part of your life? Another subtle difference here. Narcissists “cast” people to fill roles in their lives – girlfriend, best friend, work wife, etc. – and then cast them aside when they’re no longer needed. True relationships require that you be there for them when they need you, too.

OK, you’re a narcissist. Now what?

Thankfully, Schlesinger outlined a few ways you can manage your own narcissism, once you’ve identified it. It has to be a conscious choice, or it’ll never stick – a narcissist can’t (and won’t) change just because other people want them to. If you’re ready to change your own narcissistic habits, follow the steps below.

Become self-aware of your own narcissism. Evaluate the narcissistic things you do, and decide which you’d like to change. Some will be healthy behaviors, so take the time to actually scrutinize them. You’re not trying to change who you are – you’re just trying to change how you treat others.
Consider another perspective before your own. It’s going to be really hard, especially if you’ve never done it before, but teaching yourself empathy is an essential human trait. Try to think of the ways your choices will affect others, and respect that other people have different opinions. You don’t have to agree – you just have to respect.
Be patient with the process. The more narcissistic habits you possess, the harder the change is going to be. You might be tempted to change everything all at once, especially since narcissists are used to instant gratification, but the world doesn’t usually work like that – especially when it comes to changing habits. Take one habit at a time and give it at least 30 days to change. Then, once you feel confident that you’ve broken the habit, move onto the next one.
Acknowledge the things that made you the person you are today. Most likely, something happened in your past to bring those narcissistic tendencies to the surface. Did your parents neglect you as a child? Were you let down by a former partner? Did you give up the career you loved to be a stay-at-home parent? You have to respect the forks in the road that brought you here, without letting them define who you are now.
Understand that you are in control. Everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, and everyone fantasizes about being the most important person in the world. But the reason most people don’t seem like narcissists is because we learn how to control those tendencies, and only rely on them when we need
Seek professional help, if necessary. While you can manage your narcissism on your own, it’s definitely going to be easier if you’ve got a pro in your corner. Counseling sucks sometimes, but Schlesinger says that psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis have been proven to help treat narcissistic personality disorder – so don’t be afraid to ask your doctor about it!

My Identity Is Not Up for Debate

During the portion of my life that I’ve been out of the closet, I’ve heard a lot of different things. I’ve had women I was interested in who decided – from information they’d inferred on their own – that I wasn’t as gay as I should be.

I’ve had other crushes who decided – again, based on assumptions – that I was too gay for them. It’s almost funny, when I think about the irony, but from my perspective, I am exactly gay enough. I might not fall into your narrow definitions, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not who I say I am.

Realistically, though, the most important thing is to identify in a way that feels comfortable to you – even if that means choosing not to identify.

In many ways, I choose to opt-out of identities, but that doesn’t mean that the ones I do opt into are any less real, just because I’m not 100% “in.”

You have your experiences, and I have mine.

Someone once told me that the only people who will ever really know what happened are the people who were involved. That might just be the most insightful thing I’ve ever heard (especially from the mouth of someone who eats hot dogs in yogurt… gross). Even in situations where the person defining your experience was there, though, it’s important to realize that no two people are going to react to the same experience in the same way. Our experiences are a complicated mix of physical, emotional, and inferred events – and just because someone infers something about your situation doesn’t mean that what they say is law. You are free to experience things in your own way, as am I.

Your identity is very personal.

When we think of the major identities, there are certain blanket definitions that are generally agreed to. For example, you can usually pick a stud out of a crowd – but what if she’s really just a tomboy (and straight)? The definitions we usually go by aren’t universal, and most people just pick the one that’s “closest” to the way they feel about themselves. If there was really a different term for every individual identity, we’d literally all go by our full names, all the time. (And, even then, statistically speaking there’s probably someone else with the same name who is nothing like you.)

Most people hold multiple identities.

For example, I am a writer, a sister, a daughter, a partner, an anxiety-manager, a survivor, a meditator, a pet owner, a lesbian… I am so many things, but most of these don’t come up in daily conversation. We pick a few pieces of our identity that we feel best represent us – “I am a lesbian writer”. Does that mean I only write about lesbians? Absolutely not! Most of my work falls into drastically different subjects (I’m writing about jewelry after I finish here today, and tomorrow I’ll be working on a fantasy novel). I get to decide which of my identities are important, and I get to decide which ones are public knowledge. You don’t get to apply a label to me without my consent.

Identities are complicated (and optional).

Since none of these identities is automatically more important than others, I get to define which ones I opt into. I don’t consider myself non-binary, even though I fall outside the traditional gender binary. I don’t consider myself a blogger, even though the large majority of my writing appears on the internet. I never considered myself a raver, even though I spent several years of my life going to a party every weekend. Only you get to decide which identities you “opt-into.”

We don’t always hang onto our identities, but that doesn’t mean it was “just a phase.”

People are constantly growing, changing, and developing. In fact, if we were ever to stop any of that, we’d die. Literally. Personally, I am proud of every change I have ever gone through, because they helped me become the person I am today – and, all minor insecurities aside, I like the person I am. I’ve learned, I’ve adapted, and I’ve gone through experiences that have changed me. But those experiences don’t define me. I define me.

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12 More Things You Should Do More in Your Relationship

Back in September, we ran an article about some of the things that you and your partner should do more often to have a happier relationship.

Believe it or not, that long list was far from exhaustive – there are still 12 more things you should try to do more, if you’re looking to have the happiest, healthiest relationship you’ve ever had.

Are you ready to take these 12 tips and make them your own?

Travel someplace new.

Traveling helps expand your world. You get the chance to learn about a new culture, if you travel far enough, and you get to try new things. Plus, when you travel with your partner, you have plenty of time to get to know each other better. Just make sure you set the perfect road trip playlist before you leave. If you and your partner have different taste in music, make sure you’re giving a good balance of her songs and your songs, as well as a few you both enjoy.

Go on a hike.

Hiking is a great way to stay in shape, and you might just have an adventure while you’re out. First, set aside a full day for the fun adventures you’re about to have. Get packed up for a picnic, and make sure you have something to keep mementos in. After all, you’re creating memories – so you want to make sure you’ve got a way to remember them. (If you’re hiking somewhere protected, bring along a camera instead – it may be illegal to remove anything from the natural habitat.)

Try a new restaurant or eatery.

As great as home-cooked meals are, there’s something stress-busting about letting someone else do the cooking and the dishes. You don’t always want to “work” for your date, but you don’t want to let things get too mundane either. It’s great to have a favorite place – but if you’ve never tried Thai, Indian, or Peruvian food, you might as well check them out with your partner. Even if you don’t like the food, you’ve created a great memory with your partner – and that’s more important.

Build your “love maps.”

If you’ve never heard of a love map, don’t fret – it’s simply a guide to the inner workings of your partner. Relationship researcher and author John Gottman suggests that couples who have a deep understanding of the things that are important to each other have a happier relationship over all. Little things, big things, and everything in between – what matters to her? Check out this list of questions if you’re stumped for what to talk about – and make sure you pay attention to the answers!

Go skydiving (or just do something exciting).

Maybe skydiving isn’t for everyone – I know it’s not really something I’m personally interested in. But it’s important that you try new, exciting things that get your blood pumping. Not only are you crafting memories, but you’re also increasing your blood-oxygen levels, which is proven to lead to better sex. Whether that blood-oxygen comes from exercise or adrenaline doesn’t really matter – just get excited!

Have more sex.

While we’re on the subject of “better sex,” it’s also important to have more regular sex. I’m not talking regular like “boring,” either. There’s a known connection between sexual satisfaction and happiness, and it’s not clear which is the cause and which is the effect – but it doesn’t hurt to give this one a shot anyway. Sex promotes the production of oxytocin and dopamine – which, respectively, bond you together and make you happy. Why wouldn’t you want to have more sex?

Meditate.

I am all about meditating these days. It’s so great for your brain – it promotes better stress-battling tactics, better sex, better focus, more clarity, and even better sleep. It might seem a bit awkward at first, but it’s a lot simpler than you might think. I personally use the Calm app daily, but there are many other meditation apps, sites, and guides out there. Find the one that works best for you, and make it a daily habit that you do together!

Keep a “conflict journal.”

While it’s tempting to hash out a fight right when things start to bother you, research shows that it’s better to write things out from an impartial stance. Journaling about what happened, from a third-party, neutral stance, you can separate yourself from your opinions about the subject and instead approach things with more empathy and understanding. You don’t need to share these journals with each other, although you can if you choose. It’s just important to evaluate things without letting those pesky emotions get in the way.

Take on a new hobby.

Hobbies are great. Not only do they help you grow yourself as a person, but when you engage in a hobby with someone you care about, you’re more likely to enjoy the experience – even if you don’t like the particular hobby. Plus, hobbies are a great alternative to traditional dates, especially when you choose something that sounds interesting to both of you. Even if you don’t like it after all, you’ve made a memory and a story to tell.

Run an obstacle course or fun run.

Brief story time: I used to work for a marathon photography company. I got to see first-hand how excited people are when they finish something they set out to do. Obstacle courses, in particular, require hard work and training – both of which can carry over to your relationship quite well. My girlfriend and I are attending a “zombie run” this weekend, but the events available near you may be different. Check with your local community center, or do a quick internet search to see what’s close and within your budget – and then train for it! (Together, of course.)

Create shared meaning.

It’s important to maintain your autonomy, but it’s also important that you and your partner see eye to eye on certain things. “Shared meaning” is simply a rundown of the most important aspects of your relationship. What routines are most special to you? What holidays are important? What are your shared goals and expectations? What roles do you each play in your partnership? If you don’t agree the first time you talk through things, try to find a compromise that benefits both of you – and then roll with it.

Spend an extra 6 hours together every week.

That might seem like a lot of extra time – but really, it’s a lot of little times that are doable. Here’s the breakdown:

2 minutes per work day (10 minutes per week): Briefly talk about what’s on your partner’s schedule that day, and give her a nice send-off. If you work different schedules, you may need a few more minutes each week, but it still doesn’t take much.
20 minutes per day (1:40 per week): Give each other a hug and kiss when you reunite, and spend some time talking about your day. As we discussed in the previous installment, it’s important to talk about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the embarrassing stuff.
5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Tell your partner what you’re grateful for. Chances are, there’s a lot that she does that you haven’t properly thanked her for.
5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Physical affection, especially before bed. Even if you’re not “a cuddler,” there are known (and well-documented) benefits of cuddling with the person you love. Use those benefits to bring you closer together!
2 hours per week: Make a regular, recurring date. This can be any of the ideas we’ve outlined so far, or something else entirely. Just make sure you’re spending dedicated time together every single week.
1 hour per week: Have a weekly recap session, discussing the things that went well as well as the things that didn’t. Ask your girlfriend what you can do to make her happier, and offer her suggestions that would make you happier, too.

10 Weird Things That Can Make Your Sex Life So Much Better

Here at KitschMix, we want to help you have the best sex of your life. But what happens if new positions and toys aren’t getting the job done? Sometimes, the reasons for your mediocre sex life are so simple, you’ll wonder why you weren’t already doing them. I’m here to share 10 of those reasons with you today – how many can you add into your routine?

Relax!

A ten-minute meditation session every day can do wonders for your life. It puts you in a state of calm, and helps teach you how to focus on one thing at a time. But, did you know that it can also make your sex life better? As someone who’s been practicing meditation every day for the past six weeks, I’ll personally vouch for this one: Meditating in the morning makes your nighttime activities just a bit more satisfying.

That’s not just my opinion, though. According to a study by Canada’s University of British Columbia and Israel’s Hadassah University Hospital, women were more receptive to erotic imagery (specifically, porn) after meditating than they were before meditating. I recommend giving a brief daily meditation a try – even if you’re not looking for the sex life boost it promises.

Check out J Marie’s post about couple’s meditation if you want to get your partner in on it too.

Read something naughty.

There’s a reason why so many women buy romance novels – and I don’t think they’re all doing it to pass the time until they meet their prince(ss) charming. We are highly imaginative creatures, and reading erotica helps train your brain to visualize your fantasies. Think of it like a guided meditation that you keep your eyes open for.

According to sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, erotic literature can quickly jump-start the arousal process. Of course, the quality of the stories you read is going to come into play, too, but once you’ve trained yourself to fantasize better, the shortcomings of the less-than-great stories starts to fade away a little. Give it a shot with some of these stories on Nifty, or head to your local adult store to pick up some paperbacks.

Have sweaty post-workout sex.

The benefits of regular exercise remain undisputed – it helps increase blood flow, boosts your energy and stamina, and keeps you limber. All of these things are amazing for your sex life as it is, but did you know that exercise also raises your dopamine levels and your self-esteem? Dopamine is the brain chemical responsible for feelings of happiness, and we all know that happy sex is the best sex. Some women can even have an orgasm from exercise alone!

According to Janet Hyde, PhD, University of Wisconsin-Madison psychology and women’s studies professor, “After 35 to 40 minutes of moderate exercise, everything in your body is going right. Your blood is circulating, your nervous system is firing, so scheduling sex right after you exercise makes for good sex.” And, according to Judith R. Gerber, PhD, “The less exercise [women 45-55 years old] got, the lower their desire and sexual satisfaction.”

If you don’t think you have time to exercise, check out this list of exercises you can do in less than 10 minutes per day.

Pop a multivitamin.

While we all know that nutrition is important to our health, overall, most people resist eating healthier – whether because they can’t afford it (Why are salads so damn expensive anyway? They’re over 90% water!) or because they don’t enjoy it. In fact, most people aren’t getting nearly enough nutrients from food alone – but a multivitamin might help, especially if it has a high folate and iron content.

According to Tufts University researcher Martha Morris, PhD, “Low folate levels can make you feel tired, with no energy for sex.” And, according to Swiss researcher Bernard Favrat, MD, low iron levels kill your neurotransmitters – sinking your energy levels even lower. The daily recommended amount of iron is 18mg and folate 400mg – so make sure your multivitamin contains at least that much of each, just to be sure.

Get a massage (from a professional).

As great as a good rub-down from your partner can be, there’s a reason the professionals still have a job: They go to school to learn exactly where to touch your body to make you feel the best. Don’t worry about the cost – you don’t need to splurge on an hour-long session. Even a quick 10-minute back massage will do wonders. (And, of course, your partner can help fill in between spa appointments.)

Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First, says “The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin. The more oxytocin is released, the more desire a woman will feel.” And, just think about how sexy you feel when your partner rubs you down – now imagine that she was actually a trained professional instead of a hobby-amateur, and just picture how much sexier you could feel. Have you made your appointment yet?

Use the power of scent.

Certain smells have the power to increase blood flow, which makes the body a lot more receptive to arousal triggers. Pumpkin pie and lavender scents increase the blood flow by about 11%, while cucumber, licorice, and baby powder increase the blood flow by about 13%. The numbers might be small, but since you’ll be increasing blood flow in the most sensitive areas of your body, you don’t need big numbers – just a small increase will be amazing.

Essential oils can be particularly helpful, especially when you know the right blends to use. Jasmine, rose, and sandalwood are traditional aphrodisiacs that have been used for hundreds of years to increase sexual satisfaction, and these days you can get an aromatherapy diffuser online for reasonably cheap. I personally use this one from GuruNanda, but the specific brand doesn’t really matter. You need to enjoy the scents you choose, though, or they’ll just be a distraction.

Talk to your doctor about getting off any unnecessary medications.

I think it’s well-known that anti-depressants, especially SSRIs like Prozac and Zoloft, decrease sexual desire – and, according to Andrew Goldstein, MD, of the Sexual Wellness Center in Annapolis, Maryland, they might be the number-one cause of anorgasmia, or the inability to orgasm. Shorter-acting SSRIs like Zoloft and SNRIs like Effexor might be safe to skip a dose every now and then to minimize their effects on your sex life. Wellbutrin helps raise dopamine levels, instead of dropping them, so it may be an option for those who have had bad side effects from other anti-depressants.

No matter which medications you’re taking, you need to talk to your doctor before lowering or stopping your current treatment option – there may be unpleasant side-effects or even withdrawals. It might be awkward to bring this one up with your doctor – especially if you’ve got a doctor that’s not very LGBT-friendly. (It makes me sad how many of them there still are.) But just because the conversation is awkward doesn’t mean that you can skip it – save yourself the potential disaster and make sure your doctor gives their OK.

Focus (possibly with the help of a DHEA supplement).

While meditation, mentioned above, can help improve your focus, women naturally have overactive brains. That’s probably why we’re at higher risk of contracting anxiety disorders, and why it’s hard to “wind down” to get ready for sex sometimes. Creating a safe haven that you feel comfortable in can help, but if that’s not enough, you might have trouble producing DHEA. This naturally-occuring sex hormone declines over time, and while its effectiveness hasn’t been verified by science, it is naturally produced by your body just before an orgasm. Usually.

When your body doesn’t produce enough DHEA, you can’t really appreciate the sex you’re having, because you never reach that “almost there” moment that feels so damn good. But taking a supplement that contains DHEA might help trick your body into thinking you don’t have an issue producing it on your own. Again, this information isn’t explicitly backed up by scientific research, but there is a natural connection between the two – so if you’re having trouble, it might be worth trying a supplement.

Work with what you’ve got.

Most women fall into a category that Emily Nagoski calls “responsive desire” – but if your partner falls into a second category, called “spontaneous desire,” it’s likely that she doesn’t know you need a little more time to warm up. If you love and trust your partner, you can probably let her get started before you’re in the mood, and chances are good that you’ll get there before she’s done with you. (Just remember to gently nudge her in the right direction – she might not know that your arousal style isn’t the same as hers.)

If you haven’t built up that level of trust with your partner yet, there is still another option: Be a self-starter! That is, take a few minutes to start pleasuring yourself and get the ball rolling. Doing this in front of your partner can be incredibly sexy, and you already know what gets your motor running – why not make things a little easier on both of you?

Keep it simple.

Most importantly, you need to remember that it’s okay to keep things simple. You don’t need a fancy toy or a wild position or some skimpy lingerie to have a good time. You also don’t need an activity that lasts all night – most people are satisfied with about 13 minutes of sexual activity. Since the average lesbian sex session lasts about 45 minutes, you’ve probably got it handled more than you think you do.

If you’re trying too hard to get in the mood, you’re not going to get in the mood. (It’s sad, but true.) You’re only going to stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on it. Instead, make peace with the fact that, some days, you’re just not going to be feeling it – and that’s perfectly okay. Don’t try to force it. Sex shouldn’t be a chore – it should be an act of intimacy!

The Right Woman for You, According to Your Zodiac Sign

Have you been looking for the person who will perfectly complement your life? We all know that dating on an arbitrary set of requirements is silly, but there is some benefit to choosing a partner who complements you personally. Even though the zodiac isn’t always the most reliable way to figure out who a person really is, it certainly doesn’t hurt to know what you’re getting yourself into.

But, of course, not all women follow suit with their astrological sign. For example, a woman who was born on the cusp of two different signs might have qualities from one, both, or neither. Likewise, someone’s moon sign can play into their compatibility, too – so it’s important to compare all the information before you make any final decisions.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way… Knowing what types of women will best complement you can be a great place to start. Use your own discretion, of course, but let the stars guide you in the right direction.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries women are turned on by success, so get you a woman who’s strong and independent. The perfect girlfriend for you will speak her mind, without being rude, and one who will happily take on any challenges thrown her way. (After all, she’ll have to meet your family eventually, and you know that’s going to be a challenge.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus women prefer just a touch of femininity in their partners, even if it’s hidden behind a masculine outer shell. The perfect woman for her will be supportive, yet daring – she needs to be taken out of her comfort zone every now and then. Most importantly, a Taurus needs someone to bring a little fun into her life, as it can be a bit boring being so stubborn all the time.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini women are turned on by humor and wit, and just a bit of sarcasm thrown in for good measure. They need a woman who is creative and smart, and would be best complemented by a woman with a beautiful smile. Gemini is a bit of a joker herself, so a sense of humor is an absolute must, but the woman who can lob the jokes right back is definitely a keeper.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer craves loyalty more than anything else. The perfect woman for her will be vulnerable and devoted – and, in turn, she’ll let down her walls a bit to meet in the middle. While Cancer women are generally the protectors in the relationship, they also need a woman who’s willing to lift them up when things get a little rough. Being strong all the time is hard, so she needs someone who can help stick the broken pieces back in place when needed.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo women need someone outgoing and opinionated – someone who will challenge her in all the right ways. The perfect woman for her will be someone who cares about the way she presents herself, but not necessarily the way that others see her. Leos are attracted to the whole package; they need someone smart, funny, and ambitious.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo women aren’t into that whole beauty queen thing, and in fact they’d rather be with someone who holds back a little than someone who puts it all out on display. Her perfect partner will value common sense over high-maintenance behaviors. Virgos also need someone who will put up with their little “quirks” (and they have many!) without taking things too personally. In fact, the less personal things get, the better – Virgo would rather her partner talk about current events than deal with those pesky feelings.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra women don’t take dating lightly, and they’re not going to be totally satisfied until they find their perfect match. Their demands aren’t super high, but they may keep one eye to the sidelines while they figure out if it’s a fit. They need a woman who will keep their attention while also being supportive and secure – they’d never settle for a woman who wasn’t self-assured. Once they find their perfect partner, though, they’re true soul mates, and there’s nothing they wouldn’t do to keep their partner happy.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio women are a textbook example of an alpha personality. They’re the best at what they do, and they need a woman who can keep up with their high expectations. In short, that means her perfect partner should be athletic, adventurous, loving, and smart, with just the right balance between passion and independence. (And, if she happens to be sexy, too, that’s just icing on the cake.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius women love being challenged, so she needs a woman who will amaze her and teach her something new. Her perfect partner has a lot of energy and enjoys adrenaline-filled activities, such as daring sex and heated debates. That doesn’t mean she wants someone with too much pushback, though – she also needs to feel stimulated, and if it’s all arguments all the time, there’s nothing to gain. The perfect woman for her will be an asset to her world, instead of a complication in it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns don’t fall as easily as some of the other signs, but when they do fall, they fall hard. The perfect woman for her is going to be confident without being overbearing. She should have high sex appeal, but she keeps it for her partner’s eyes only. PDA is all but off the table, although once it’s just the two of them, she craves affection and attention. Since Capricorn has her own stuff going on, she needs a woman who does, too – she’s not going to settle for someone who needs someone to hold her hand, literally or figuratively.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius women need someone bold and independent – someone who doesn’t need her affection to get by. She’s looking for a self-starter who doesn’t mind being left alone from time to time. In fact, Aquarius women need someone who cares less about others and more about herself. She does her own thing, and she needs a girlfriend who does her own thing, too – regardless of how other people feel about it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces women are quick to fall in love, but they can fall out of love just as quickly if the situation doesn’t quite fit. Pisces’ world revolves around art and nature, so she needs a free-spirited art lover to appreciate everything she has to offer. Her perfect partner is loving, kind, and accepting, and she should love animals – if things work out, they’re going to end up with a lot of cats.

10 Sex Tips You Need To Try ASAP

Long-term relationships are great. Not only do you get the comfort of knowing that the person by your side has been there through the rough moments, and still cares about you, but you’ve also got a good rhythm going – you basically know what each other likes, and you know how to be comfortable with each other. There’s no pressure for “good sex,” because you know you’ll have another shot the next time. Even better, you know there will be a next time.

But feeling too comfortable can be a disaster, and mediocre sex is boring as hell.

How can you keep the spice alive, without pushing yourself too hard, or – yikes – pulling a muscle? Try these 10 simple tips and let us know how they work out for you.

(Sometimes, the little things do make all the difference.)

1. Start with a sizzle that leads into an explosion.

Even though sexting might seem a little juvenile, it doesn’t have to be. With practice, you can perfect your sexting game so that it sets everything else into motion. And it doesn’t have to be super dirty, either – you can keep things classy while still getting your partner’s motor running. Purr.

In fact, if you’re looking to start a sexting inferno with your long-term partner, simple and classy is the way to go. Stick with messages that would seem innocent to outsiders – not that your partner should be sharing your private text conversations – and skip anything that would make you blush if you said it out loud. (Trust me, that nervousness comes through in the texts to your partner, and it will seem forced. Because it is.)

The best part of sexting is the tease, so take an “inside joke” approach and forego the pictures and dirty words. Trust us on this one – you don’t need to be vulgar to be sexy.

2. Include a sexy scalp massage as part of your warm-up.

Even among couples who give each other sensual massages (TBH, it’s the #1 way to get me in the mood), the scalp tends to get ignored a bit. After all, your scalp isn’t sexy, so the closest most of us get is a bit of hair-pulling when things get rough. But what if you’re not trying to have rough sex – you’re just trying to have passionate sex?

Any type of massage will undeniably beat some of the stress and tension that’s been building up, but the scalp has a ton of nerve endings that probably don’t get stimulated nearly as often as they should. And, since those nerve endings are so close to the brain, the effects they give off are super intense. Plus, scalp massages just feel good – so why not treat your partner?

You can even bring scalp massages into your solo sessions – it just takes a little practice. Give it a shot, and let us know how it worked out for you.

3. Get into that vacation mindset.

If you’ve ever had “vacation sex,” I don’t have to tell you how awesome it is. (And, if you haven’t had vacation sex before… Let me tell you… There is something magical about literally leaving all the stress and distraction behind.) But, sadly, given the current global economy… Most of us can’t afford to go on vacay every time we want some hot action.

Instead, set the mood at home – either in your guest bedroom, or in a cheap motel – and get ready to reap the benefits of vacation sex without the bills. If you’re a little more well-off financially, you can rent a room for the night – or for an hour or two! – and go to town. But, if not, go to a room that isn’t connected with your stress and daily life, and get busy.

(Just make sure you’re ready for the neighbors to hear – vacation sex is that much better.)

4. Share the fantasies she stars in.

I’m sure you’ve got your fair share of fantasies rolling around in your mind – we all have some that would make us blush if anyone ever heard. But instead of telling your partner what you dream of doing with Ruby Rose or Ellen Page or whatever celebrity you’re crushing on at the moment, make your partner the star of your fantasies – or, at least the ones you share with her.

Was there one particular night you still remember in vivid detail? Talk to her about it, and make it happen again! Sharing the things that got your fire burning can increase the chances of them happening again, and it makes your partner feel good about herself. You’re both winners here.

(If you haven’t had any particularly hot sexcapades yet, make one up – just make sure she’s still the star. Most women don’t want to hear about what you’d do to someone else. Unless I’m wrong and your girlfriend is one of the women who are turned on by that. Make sure you check with her first.)

5. Enjoy a gentle breeze – inside or out.

The feeling of a cool breeze against your naked skin is arguably one of the sexiest feelings in the world – and if your bedroom has a window in it (most do), you’re already halfway there. Open the window and let the risk of being overheard fuel your fire. You can close the curtains, if you’d like, but you want to feel that cool tingle.

If you’re especially brave or adventurous, consider taking your tryst outside. The extra thrill of knowing that you could be caught – even if your back yard is well hidden – can make it extra intense. Your neighbors are definitely going to hear, but that’s okay. Just make sure you wait until after dark.

(And, it probably goes without saying, but public sex is illegal in many places, so please make sure you know what your local regulations are.)

6. Head to the freezer for some intense stimulation.

Did you know that icy cold sensations stimulate the same parts of your nervous system as sexual arousal? It’s no coincidence that your nipples get hard for both – the two are super ingrained. (And, on that subject, have you ever had ice cubes rubbed on your nipples? If you’re even remotely interested in nipple play, I highly recommend you give it a shot.)

Be warned, though – that icy-cold sensation might be a bit too intense for some people, so start by incorporating it into a sensual massage. Rubbing it over the not-explicitly-sensual parts of your partner’s body is a safer bet, and if it interests you, slowly amp up the intensity by moving to even more sensitive areas.

Understand your limits, and your partner’s, and make sure you’re not pushing the ice too far – it can be really, really intense.

7. Act like teenagers. (No, really.)

If you want to bring back that sexy, forbidden feeling you had when you first started exploring your sexuality, you need to act like you did back then. Keep your clothes on, and opt for an innocent-enough make-out session on the couch. Throw in a little bit of indirect stimulation, through the clothes, and all those sexy taboo vibes will come pouring in.

Don’t worry about “messing up” the couch, either – the goal is to keep your clothes on, until you absolutely can’t stand it. Then, you can make a mad dash to the bedroom (or the middle of the floor!) to finish the job. Or, if you’d prefer a little more teasing, try adding in a little bit of fantasy: Pretend that “your parents” will be coming home soon, and forbid each other from going under the clothes.

There’s something extra sexy about “sneaking around,” even when you no longer have to. And besides, dry humping is awesome.

8. Don’t be so weird about lube.

So many people I talk to treat lube like this big, weird deal. They (mistakenly) think that it’s just for older couples, or for gay men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. While older couples and gay men are more likely to use lube, that doesn’t mean it’s for them – a decent lubricant is a good investment for everyone.

Even for people whose bodies naturally produce enough lubrication to get the job done, a little extra can make things even more satisfying. That’s not just my opinion, though – there was actually an in-depth study about the connection between lubricant and sexual satisfaction. This study had over 2,500 female participants, so it’s not some tiny sample size. This is proven scientific fact.

For best results, keep your lube close enough that you don’t have to stop the action to get it. Trust me, if you have to walk across the room to grab the bottle, you’re not going to use it.

9. Skip the regular dirty talk.

Okay, maybe don’t skip it – dirty talk can be pretty awesome, after all – but change your approach. It seems silly, but narrating the things that your partner is doing to you – and adding how it makes you feel – is sexy as hell and will undoubtedly turn you both on a bit more. It helps confirm the things that feel good, and it encourages her to keep doing those things. Everybody wins.

More than just being sexy, though, narrating the things going on in your bed keeps you in the moment. It forces you to focus on what’s going on right this moment, rather than the things you want to happen next. Not that you shouldn’t help lead your partner in the right direction, but talking about what’s going on right now brings an all-new level of focus.

It’s like naked meditation… With a partner.

10. Switch up your routine with some “afterplay.”

We all know that foreplay is great – necessary, even – but did you know that it’s easier to try new things when you’re already in the mood? Afterplay takes the pressure away, because you’ve already “finished.” There’s no need to accomplish anything – no one’s going to be frustrated if they don’t have another orgasm. This is just “extra credit.”

According to sex educator Emily Nagoski, “Because you’re already aroused, you may find that certain moves can feel extra intense.” Your body is already loosened up, so to speak, and all your nerve endings are lit up – meaning that the slightest touch will be magnified a million times.

(Just don’t forget – the afterplay isn’t meant to replace foreplay… It’s just an additional measure to keep things going longer!)

10 Signs Your Girlfriend Is The One

In a world filled with dating game shows, hugely popular love songs, and more romantic comedies than you can shake a stick at, it seems like people love looking for “the one.” Yet, somehow, most people have a hard time figuring out who their “one” really is.

It’s a little sad, actually – whether you believe in the idea of “soul mates” or not, you’ve probably looked for yours. In fact, I think most people who don’t believe in soul mates are just guarding themselves from the possibility that they might not find that person.

This is just my opinion, of course, and I’m the type of person who believes that you can have multiple soul mates, at different points in your lives. What do I know, anyway?

Regardless of how you feel about the search for “the one,” here are 10 surefire signs that you’ve found her. Now, marry that woman (if same-sex marriage is legal in your area and you believe in marriage, of course), pronto!

1. You don’t have to hide who you are.

Sure, a good girlfriend is going to compliment you when you look nice, or when you’ve accomplished something. But “the one” is on another level. She doesn’t care what you look like, or how long it’s been since you’ve showered (but she might give you a gentle reminder if it’s been more than a couple of days). You’re comfortable together, because she loves you through all of your imperfections.

2. You have similar goals.

Do you and your girlfriend have a basic plan for what you want out of life? Most people have at least some idea, at least for the big things. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Do you have compatible political views? These things are so much bigger than where you want to travel or what job you want to have in 10 years.

3. You don’t “fight” – you talk things out.

Technically, talking through things is still fighting, but it’s fighting fair, and that’s what’s important. You take comfort in knowing that you can calmly work through things, and a minor disagreement isn’t going to be the end of the relationship. (Besides, you still get to have the make-up sex anyway.)

4. You feel lucky to have each other.

If you both feel like you’re the luckiest person on the planet, you sort of are. Your partner should totally support, respect, and appreciate you, and you should be able to offer her the same in return. You freely share gratitude towards each other, which makes you feel even luckier. You know that, at the end of the day, you get to come home to your best friend… And that’s something special.

5. You’re both committed to making the relationship work.

You aren’t going to see eye to eye on everything, but “the one” is going to be right there next to you trying to picture things from your perspective. The effort that’s needed to maintain the relationship doesn’t feel so much like “work” as it does like “an investment,” and you know that she’s going to help you get through whatever you’ve got going on.

6. The only thing you need for “a great date” is her.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to a 5-star hotel or a 2-star lesbian bar: Being with her is exciting. And it’s not because she finds all the hidden gems, it’s because she is the hidden gem. You’d be just as happy to sit in your living room floor with a bottle of wine, because her company is the greatest attraction of all.

7. Your friends and family like seeing you together.

Some people have friends and family who are happy when they’re dating anyone – regardless of whether or not the person is good for you. Other friends and family members might automatically hate anyone who takes the attention away from them. But if the people closest to you, whose opinions you trust and value, think she’s good for you… She probably is.

8. Yes, she loves you, but she does so much more than that.

Don’t get me wrong – love is super important. But it’s not the most important thing. When you find a partner who truly respects and supports you, someone who really makes you feel safe and confident, you know she’s something special. She should compliment your life in all the best ways, and thankfully, she does.

9. Your intuition says she’s the one.

If you think she’s the one, there’s probably a good reason for it. Most people are much better judges of character than we’d like to believe (even if we ignore those judgments sometimes). If your heart and your gut say she’s the one, your mind is probably telling you that, too.

10. She brings out the best in you.

It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about pushing you to be the best version of yourself. A good partner will accept you as you are, while a great partner will help remind you of what you can be. But again, it’s not about changing you – it’s about inspiring you to see the person you can become, and motivating you to become that person.

10 Of The Biggest Lies People Tell On Their Online Dating Profiles

Most people tell at least a few white lies on their profile. (80%, to be more precise.) Sometimes, people fabricate the entire profile – avoid these people whenever you can. Here are the top 10 lies that plague the online dating world.

How many of these things have you lied about?

They probably don’t make as much money as they say they do.

According to Greg Hodge of beautifulpeople.com, the listed salary on someone’s profile may be inflated by as much as 40%. A study by OKCupid put the number closer to 20%, but that’s still a huge number of people lying about their financial situation. It’s generally considered better to leave this one blank than to lie about it, though – do you really want to be with someone who only wants to be with you if you make 20-40% more money than you actually do?

They probably don’t have the job they said they did, either.

According to the Beautiful People survey, as many as 32% of women lie about what job they hold. (This is less than 42% of men who lie about it, though.) The strangest thing, to me, about this statistic, is that women downplay their job, to keep from intimidating a date with their intelligence. But do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value your intelligence?

They probably aren’t “athletic and toned.”

This is another one of those “mystery lies” – as in, it’s a mystery why anyone would lie about something that’s going to be super obvious once they meet face to face (or when someone flips through their pictures). It’s a safer bet to be honest, and understand that anyone who isn’t actually OK with your body type is a waste of your time anyway.

They lie about their lifestyle.

As many as 16% of people lie about their financial situation, according to the Beautiful People study. 5% lie about how well-traveled they are. 5% lie about what kind of car they drive. Thankfully, these lies generally happen in the long answer section, and they’re easy to pick out. Watch for a lack of “I” statements (i.e. “Love to travel,” as opposed to “I love to travel”) and super-short descriptions. Toma says, “Lying is cognitively taxing” and leaving out the “I” in their sentences helps them to distance themselves from the things they’re lying about.

They’re shorter than they say they are.

As someone who’s always been attracted to shorter women, it baffles me that people would lie about this. In fact, a study by OKCupid says that shorter women are, in general, more likely to get attention, so it’s best to just tell the truth on this one.

They lie about what they’re into.

I know we’ve all seen the “lesbians” on online dating profiles who already have husbands they’re “faithfully devoted to,” but the lies actually go a lot further than that. According to Toma, users take advantage of the ambiguity surrounding their hobbies and interests. If someone says they’re into “sports,” for example, there’s usually no mention of whether they mean playing or watching – or how long ago they last participated in their “hobbies.”

They’re probably heavier than they say they are.

Since our weight tends to change from day to day – and, to be fair, even within the same day – it’s unreasonable to expect someone’s weight to be exactly what their driver’s license or dating profile says. However, most women subtract (an average of) 8.5 pounds, or almost 4 kg, from their weight when making their profiles, according to Catalina Toma, PhD.

They lie about who they know.

If someone is name-dropping a celebrity in their profile, it’s probably a lie. Hodge says, “We’re in a celebrity-driven culture,” so people equate name-dropping with a person’s status. Also watch out for photo-op-shots, because most of the time, it was a one-time thing – a photo of someone standing next to Lady Gaga probably happened at a concert, not at Gaga’s private birthday party.

They may be up to ten years older (or younger!) than their profile says.

According to a study by Beautiful People, about 17% of women lie about their age on their profile. Most women only go 1-2 years in either direction, while others “round down” to the nearest five-year mark. Some women even changed their date of birth by as much as ten years!

They lie about what they look like.

This is usually done through photos, which used to be considered solid facts – until technology took over our world. Now, it’s easy to manipulate a picture so that you’re not even recognizeable. Not to mention, it’s always been easy to just use a “bad photo” (with poor lighting or a low-quality camera), or to simply use an old photo. According to Toma, your profile photos should be no more than a year old, and you should feature one face shot, one body shot, and one shot of you doing something you actually enjoy.

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6 Ways To Show Someone You REALLY Care

I’ve probably said it a thousand times so far in my life, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more before the fad dies out: I love social media. It offers you a simple, efficient way to keep in touch with the people you care about, without having to leave the house and do the whole people-ing thing. Since I now live at least a 3-hour drive away from almost everyone who means anything to me, social media offers me a way to be there without being there.

But, for all the wonderful things social media does for us, it can’t do everything. As it stands, the technology just isn’t there to replicate real human behavior. After all, most people’s social media posts are carefully screened before posting, to provide exactly the sort of image they want to provide to onlookers. We notice these differences when they’re people we see all the time, but for some reason, we forget when it’s people we don’t see often.

The old-school-rules for social interaction still apply, and the best way to show someone you’re there for them is still actually being there for them. If you want to make sure social media isn’t the full extent of your social behavior, here are 6 ways you can show someone you actually care about them. (But you should still probably like that selfie anyway… Just in case.)

1. Surprise your friends and loved ones with a visit.

All too often, we get so wrapped up in our day-to-day lives that we forget to make time for the people we care the most about. (I’m really, really bad about this… My girlfriend threatens to hide my laptop when we travel.) Of course, social media isn’t the only factor involved here, but checking in with your friends and family on Facebook or Instagram might give you a false sense of closeness. Remember: The virtual world isn’t “really there.”

Showing up to see someone, however, shows that you actually do care – enough to take time out of your busy (or antisocial) schedule and drop by. While your friend who works from home might not like the “surprise” part of this (we freelancers really are a fickle bunch), but if your loved ones have a consistent schedule and you can swing by for a few minutes, I’m sure it’ll make their day. (Assuming, of course, that they consider you a loved one, too.)

2. Call instead of texting.

As easy as texting is (and as much as the radiation from cell phones is probably bad for you), calling is still a lot more intimate than texting. Think about it: How many times have you texted “lol” with a totally straight face? It’s not like that on the phone. We’re more likely to actually laugh when we hear someone else’s voice. I think it’s something about internal monologues (aka that voice in your head that reads things for you) versus actual dialogue… But I’m not a scientist.

This is definitely something some people are better at than others. My girlfriend can have a totally succinct, totally meaningful phone conversation every single day. I, on the other hand, need at least 3 days’ notice before I use an automated phone system, and even longer if I actually need to talk to a person. Still, even those of us who “hate talking on the phone” generally feel happy when we hear the voice of someone we care about. (Even if it’s in a message on our voicemail.)

3. Kidnap them.

I’m not talking about something super creepy where you throw them in the trunk and feed them bits of bread and water for days. No, I’m talking about kidnapping your friends for an impromptu road trip. There’s something confusingly magical about being stuck in a cramped space with people who mean a lot to you… It should be totally horrible, but for some strange reason, it’s not.

Anyone can send a card or a letter, or buy an awesome birthday present that we happened to get for an incredible bargain. But how many times in your life have you taken an unforgettable adventure? Now, when’s the last time you did it with your squad? If you can’t remember, you’re probably overdue.

4. Give them your attention.

We’ve become a society fixated on getting more done in less time. I’m definitely guilty of this one, as a look into my planner will soon show you. But, realistically, multi-tasking is a total waste of time, because you’re splitting your already-limited attention in multiple directions. It’s taken me a long time to break this habit, but trust me on this one: Multi-tasking is a lie. When you try to multi-task, you’re really not even single-tasking. You’re half-tasking, at best.

When you’re spending time with people, it’s the same thing. Put the smartphone away and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Angry Birds and Instagram can definitely wait until you’re not doing anything else. Your friends are here now, and who knows when you’re going to see them next?

5. Tell them you love them.

When’s the last time you said “I love you” to someone other than your significant other? Most likely, it’s been far too long, and it was brought on by a rough time – either yours, that they helped you through, or theirs, that you helped them through. It’s sort of messed up, if you think about it – somewhere along the way, we’re conditioned to think that romantic love is the only love that matters.

It’s always been really hard for me to tell people I loved them, whether they were people in my family, my friend circle, or even the people sharing my bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the love – it was because I was taught that infinite love is weak. It’s not weak. In fact, loving yourself and others is one of the strongest things you can do. (And, if you’re feeling it, you should say it, just to make sure they know.)

6. Be their offline support system.

A supportive Facebook post or Instagram hashtag can be a nice way to acknowledge that you’ve noticed your friend going through a rough time. Sometimes, you really just need someone to show up and give you a hug. If you’re close enough to be a physical presence in someone’s life, and you know they’re going through a rough time (or even just suspect it), you should be willing to go see them and show them how much you really care.

It can be really awkward to be around someone who’s going through something rough, and that might make you want to shy away from the idea. But that’s exactly why it means so much when someone comes to cheer you up when you’re down. The willingness to just be in the presence of one another leads to the greatest feelings of love that friends can share – and is your schedule really so full that you can’t make your friends feel loved?

9 Everyday Habits That Will Kill Your Sex Life

Quick question: How much do you know about your sexual health? If you’re like most people, the subject of your sexual health pretty much starts and ends with STDs (and possibly pregnancy prevention, if you ever engage in cishetero sex). Realistically, though, your sexual health is deeply tied to the rest of your health, too – it’s unlikely that you’ll have a healthy sex life if you don’t live a healthy life overall. (Don’t just take my word for it, either – clinical sexologist Eric Garrison, MSc, has been a human sexuality expert since 1994, and he says that our sexual health is “linked intrinsically to our general health.”)

Of course, you don’t need to be a marathon runner, a yoga instructor, or a devout vegan to have a good sex life. (But it definitely doesn’t hurt.)

If you want to start making some small changes that will lead to a better sex life, try cutting back (or cutting out entirely) the following 9 habits. Then, let us know in the comments whether our tricks worked for you or not!

1. Your bedroom isn’t sexy.

I’m sure you’ve heard that your bedroom needs to help you feel calm, relaxed, and sleepy to fall asleep – and a similar idea is true for your sex life. If your bedroom is full of things that take you out of the mood, you’re not going to have a satisfying sexual experience. Your goal is to create a stimulating sexual environment – not one that’s full of distractions.

Clutter, pictures of people you’re not sexually attracted to (i.e. your mother, the leader of your nation, your little brother), and other distractions have a negative effect on your sexual desire and satisfaction. Additionally, doing work in your bedroom – even if not during sexy time – can trick your brain into thinking you don’t need to be sexy in there. But you totally should.

Quick, easy solution: Clean your damn room and make sure that you have a separate space for stressful activities. It seems like such a small change, but it really makes a difference. (And this is coming from someone who spent 6 months writing articles on my side of the bed, before I got my own office. Trust me. It makes a huge difference.)

2. You’re not in good shape.

Aerobic activity increases your stamina and your heart rate, both of which are essential for sexual satisfaction. Increased blood flow will make your heart healthier and increase the blood flow to your genitals, which increases your responsiveness to sexual activity. Not to mention, if you’re not satisfied with your appearance, you’re going to be self-conscious during your sexcapades, and that’s definitely not a sexy feeling. Aerobic activity helps you reach (or maintain) a healthy weight, and it makes you feel better about yourself.

Stretching activities, on the other hand, give you a leg-up (pun definitely intended) by helping increase your flexibility. If you’ve never had stretchy, flexible sex, you don’t even know what you’re missing out on. Plus, it’s a good idea to stretch before sex, anyway, because you can actually get seriously hurt if you try to get too kinky without warming your muscles up ahead of time. A few minutes of yoga and a good sensual massage can do wonders.

Quick, easy solution: Exercise more! Even a small increase every day, such as a ten-minute jog, a twenty-minute walk, or a five-minute stretch, will increase your sexual responsiveness and satisfaction. Just be sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard – it’s hard to get off when you’re exhausted.

3. You’re not getting enough sleep.

In the past few years, I’ve seen a huge surge in the amount of productivity tips out there. Maybe it’s because I never really cared before I started working from home, or maybe it’s because millennials are trying like hell to break out of the feelings of entitlement our parents placed on us. No matter what it is, one thing’s for sure: Most people aren’t getting enough sleep. In fact, the CDC says that sleep deprivation is a public health epidemic, with up to 70 million Americans suffering from chronic sleep problems. Yikes!

A lack of good sleep, no matter what the cause, can lead to a whole host of other health problems. It increases your stress and fatigue levels, and puts you at a higher risk for certain illnesses. It also decreases your libido and makes it harder to get in the mood in the first place – let alone stay in the mood long enough to have an orgasm.

Quick, easy solution: Make sure your bedroom is set up right for good sleep (and good sex), and make sure you’re leaving work at work. Having solid barriers between your personal and work lives helps to maintain work-life balance, and allows you to focus more of your attention on the task at hand – whether it’s your partner or your pillow.

4. You eat gassy foods.

It’s not fun to talk about gas and bloating when you’re trying to feel sexy, but in many ways, that’s exactly why you need to think about it then. There isn’t any scientific evidence that broccoli, beans, or other bloat-inducing foods are actually to blame for your lack of sex drive, but let’s think about it: How can you enjoy anything if you’re worried about gas… Especially if your partner has her hands or face right in the “blast zone?”

Okay, all jokes aside, being bloated isn’t fun or sexy, and it has the potential to be downright embarrassing – for both of you. Thankfully, you don’t have to let your diet dictate your sex life – just let your sex life dictate your diet. If that seems ridiculously simple, it’s because it is. Just avoid the unsexy foods (such as the ones that give you gas or bad breath) if you want to have sex. Simple.

Quick, easy solution: Relegate your “unsexy food days” to the days when you already won’t be having sex. Why risk the embarrassment when it’s literally that easy to prevent it?

5. You’re on medication.

Here’s one of the obvious ways that your sexual health ties into your general health: The medications you’re taking. Certain medications may cause a drop in libido, or other problems that make sexual activity a bit more difficult. In fact, an estimated 70% of inorgasmia (or the inability to have an orgasm) is caused by medications. However, current testing standards don’t require that drug manufacturers list the sexual side effects of their products, or even that they check for sexual side effects… So many companies don’t.

Antidepressants, especially those which contain SSIs (or selective serotonin inhibitors), are well-known for their connection with decreased sexual desire, but they’re not the only ones that can cause problems. For example, did you know that your vagina produces mucus, and any medicines that are designed to dry up the sniffles are also going to dry you up down there? If you’re noticing these types of reactions, you might need to change the medication you’re on.

Quick, easy solution: Talk to your doctor about any side effects you notice, even if you think they’re irrelevant. They’re probably not. There may be other treatment options that don’t destroy your sex life, and your doctor may be able to prescribe one of these other options. Just make sure that you’re not stopping your medication without speaking to your doctor first – withdrawal can affect your sex life, too.

6. You’re malnourished.

When we think of nutrition and nourishment, we usually think about whether we’re eating enough, too much, or just the right amount. But, believe it or not, what you eat is just as important, if not more important, than how frequently or how much you eat. Foods high in zinc and B-vitamins can increase your sexual wellness and make the overall experience more enjoyable (aside from their other health benefits).

Which foods should you eat more of? Healthy meats, such as salmon, chicken, or tuna, are all high in B-vitamins. These vitamins help with energy production and blood flow. Not only does this help your heart, your brain, and your sustainable energy levels, but that increased blood flow is going to help, no matter how you get it. (And besides – it’s totally an excuse to eat more sushi, and I for one am 100% okay with that.)

Quick, easy solution: If you’re not able to change the way you eat, for whatever reason, a multivitamin that contains B-vitamins may be a good place to start. Just keep in mind that your body can’t absorb nutrients from vitamins as easily as it can from your food, so whenever possible, it’s better to let them enter your body naturally.

7. You smoke cigarettes.

If you’re a cigarette smoker, you probably already know all about how bad it is for you – but you might not have made the connection with your sex life. Nicotine messes with your blood flow, which isn’t just bad for your heart – it’s bad for your sexual organs, too. Quitting smoking can be really hard, but it’s definitely worth it if you want to fix your health issues. Really… A lot of health issues come either directly or indirectly from cigarette smoking (plus that ashtray smell is really only sexy when you’re drunk at the bar).

Although it’ll take some time for your blood flow to regulate as well as it did before you started smoking, the sooner you quit, the better you’ll be. The same is true for the rest of the health problems caused by smoking, and within 20 years your body will be completely free of all the negative effects that the smoking caused. Of course, that’s a long time to wait for things to go back to normal, but at least there’s hope that you can go back to normal.

Quick, easy solution: If possible, quit smoking completely, as soon as you’re able to. If it’s not possible to quit “cold turkey”, try keeping track of how many cigarettes you have each day, and try to get that number a little lower every day, until you’re down to zero. This progressive-quit strategy works well for some people, while others are better off going all-in, so make sure you’re comfortable with the changes you’ve made.

8. You drink too much.

Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism is a real problem, and especially for those whose primary social gathering spots happen to be at a bar (such as most local LGBT communities). I’m not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, but chronic alcoholism can cause long-term damage to your sexual performance, even for years after you sober up. It’s sad and just a little scary, but the numerous other health concerns that go along with chronic alcoholism make it worth quitting, even if you don’t get your sex life back.

It’s not just long-term drinkers that have an issue, either. In fact, once your BAC goes over 0.1, your sexual responsiveness goes way down. It’s almost cruel, though, because a BAC of 0.03-0.1 can actually increase your libido and sexual desire, as well as lowering your sexual inhibitions enough to try something new. This level corresponds with 1-3 glasses of wine within an hour, or the equivalent amount of alcohol within that time period.

Quick, easy solution: Try to stop yourself when you’re feeling buzzed, but not smashed. If you find it hard to know (and respect) your limits, you may need to speak with your doctor about an alcohol treatment program that works for you. Just remember: This is about so much more than just your sex life.

9. You don’t touch yourself.

Masturbating isn’t just for teenagers, no matter what silly things you may have heard. Self-love is an integral part of your sexual health and satisfaction. In fact, it’s one of the most prescribed treatments for sexual disorders, as it lets the person discover themselves in a no-pressure environment, without the fear of judgment.

Self-pleasure helps you become more comfortable with the things that turn you on, which can make it easier to discuss them with your partner. It may even help with your sexual desire, according to research, because it’s easier to get yourself warmed up than it is to tell your partner how to do it. (Of course, the goal is that your partner will know, but you’ve got to be comfortable talking about it first.)

Quick, easy solution: Try to bring in mutual masturbation as a foreplay activity, or even the main event in your sex life occasionally. Giving your partner the chance to see exactly what gets your motor running will let her know exactly what she needs to do to make it happen again. (And besides, it’s really sexy to watch your girlfriend pleasure herself in front of you, trust me.)

9 Things That Make A Relationship ‘Healthy’

We talk a lot about how to have a healthy relationship here – but have you ever wished you had a handy checklist to see if your relationship passes the test? Even the most confident among us wouldn’t mind a reminder from time to time, and evaluating where you stand helps give you a roadmap to where you want to stand. This reflection also prompts you to celebrate and show gratitude for the things you’ve already got going for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s an important step in understanding your own personal truths.

We’ve gathered up 9 qualifiers for a “healthy relationship,” in no particular order. How many are already present in your life – and how many do you still need to work on?

1. You communicate purposefully.

It’s not about “letting thing slip out” versus keeping them to yourself – it’s about making a conscious effort to talk about what’s right and what’s wrong, in your relationships as well as your life as a whole. Your partner is there to support you through the good and the bad, so make sure you’re opening up to her. You make sure your words are supported by your body language, too, because you know that’s just as important.

Purposeful communication means that you aren’t shying away from the awkward or uncomfortable subjects. You’re talking about your relationship from the standpoint of trying to save it – so you’re going to talk about the things that need to change, and the things that need to stay exactly the same. Of course, you take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but you know that doesn’t mean denying your own.

But you’re communication isn’t all negative – it’s also heavy on the (sincere) compliments. Remember that we all need little reminders that things are OK, and your partner is no different. When she looks or smells nice, you tell her. When she’s opened your eyes to a situation you hadn’t considered, you thank her. When she doubts herself, you remind her how amazing she is. You make an effort to let her know that she is appreciated and loved, because she is.

2. Trust is implied.

You don’t feel the need to “ask for permission” before doing things – but you still check with her first. You trust each other’s discretion, and if something needs a quick answer, you’re both confident that your partner would make the same choice you’d make. If something needs clarification, you’re going to ask, because you know the answer is going to be the truth.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all – it’s a twisted manipulative game between two (or more) people. If the person you’re with doesn’t trust you, she’ll never be able to trust her own thoughts about you – regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. In fact, whether the mistrust is “insecurity” or “intuition” is really irrelevant. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you.

It’s important to explore those feelings of mistrust, but not as they pertain to your partner – rather, you should explore how they pertain to you. Does the mistrust come from something someone else did to you? Does it come from something you haven’t forgiven your partner for yet? Does it come from somewhere else entirely? Evaluate your feelings first, and then figure out how they fit into your relationship.

3. You have a selective-honesty policy.

Obviously, healthy relationships require honesty and trust – but that doesn’t mean that they need absolute honesty at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s better if you use a little honest discretion. That doesn’t mean covering your own tracks, but it does mean that you take the time to filter the information to keep your partner’s feelings intact. Does she really need to know that you can’t stand her mother, or can you suck it up for her happiness?

So, which topics do deserve full disclosure? Your own personal boundaries are going to come into play, but at a minimum, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, as well as your (romantic or sexual) feelings for others, unless she has specifically asked you not to. If you share financial responsibilities, you’ll need to be totally honest with that info, too. (Even if you don’t share finances, I recommend about 75% honesty – your partner may be willing and able to help you in certain situations.)

Everyone tells little white lies, though, so would it kill you to tell her she looks gorgeous when she has the flu? Probably not. She might not believe you, but it’ll probably make her smile (at least on the inside). And if you think her sister is annoying, definitely don’t be the one to bring it up. You never know what effects your words might have.

4. You have total respect for one another.

Respect is one of the bare minimums for a healthy relationship – whether romantic or not. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it’s almost impossible to do that with someone you don’t respect. If you can’t muster up the minimum of respect for your partner – or if she can’t show respect toward you – you need to move on before things get seriously ugly.

Respect for another person doesn’t always mean that you agree with everything they do and say. In fact, most people you respect will have ways that they disappoint you. But respect is the difference between embracing that difference of opinions, as opposed to blowing up and causing a scene. A relationship that’s lacking in respect is simply an “arrangement.”

Respecting your partner also entails appreciation, and you respect her by acknowledging the things she does for you (without making a big scene if she forgets to say “thank you” every now and then). We all have off-days, but rest assured that one bad mood doesn’t mean she’s suddenly lost her respect for you.

5. You generally make each other happy.

Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t be an emotional roller coaster. The trust and respect you have for each other should make you happy, at least most of the time. You’re going to have your bad days, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make you sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

What ratio of “good vs. bad” is right for you? Well, there’s no precise answer here. Relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and only you can decide how much of each you can handle. But a relationship that makes you sad, uncomfortable, or angry more often than it makes you happy is bad news.

You’re allowed to be annoyed with each other. It’s inevitable, actually, especially if you decide to live together. That doesn’t mean that your happiness is over – as long as you’re willing to talk through it and get back on the right path.

6. You have days where you can’t stand each other.

Every now and then, those rough days are going to be extra rough – especially if you’re cramped in the same small room for most of your free time. It’s completely normal to have days where you just want to be alone, and space doesn’t necessarily mean a break-up is on the horizon.

These rough patches may stretch on for days, weeks, or even months. They don’t happen all the time, though, and even if you mentally make a pros-and-cons list, you don’t want to leave long-term. Maybe for a day or two, but only so you can get your head on straight and work through the problems.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is give each other some space. There’s a romanticized idea about living your life together and not needing anyone else, but that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, people get on each other’s nerves – even if they’re completely in love with each other.

7. You’re comfortable doing your own thing.

While there are some people (ahem: film directors) who think that instant, immersive love is the most romantic kind… It’s not the most sustainable kind. Once you get past those initial butterflies and the corresponding lust, you’re going to mellow out and go back to doing your own thing. You have your own friends, and your own hobbies – you’re not attached at the hip.

One of the most important things about having a healthy relationship is that the rest of your relationships need to be healthy, too. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stress-inducing to spend time away from each other. In fact, it should be uncomfortable if you don’t spend time away from each other sometimes. (And, if it’s not uncomfortable to you, it’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable for your partner.)

It’s so important to remember your individuality when you’re in a relationship. You’re not suddenly a half a person, just because you have a girlfriend. You’re the same whole person you were when you didn’t have her – but now you have someone to come home and tell your stories to. If you never do your own thing, you’ll never have your own stories.

8. You don’t shy away from confrontation.

Although fights can be uncomfortable, they show that you are passionate and invested when it comes to the relationship. You’re not going to let your partner walk all over you. That doesn’t mean you’re nagging about every little thing – it just means that you’re ready to stick up for yourself, and for your own happiness.

Aside from giving you an outlet to vent your frustrations, confronting a problem is the first step in fixing it – and when things have been bothering you for a while, you’ll wish you talked them out before you started to boil. Talking through the tough issues is one of the easiest ways to get around a problem.

Now, what happens if all you do is fight and argue? Of course, that’s not a good sign either, and if you feel like you’re fighting more than you can handle, you’re allowed to say so. Even the strongest love in the world isn’t worth the pain and agony of constant bickering.

9. You have boundaries, and you enforce them.

“We culture” is highly romanticized – but it’s important to remember that romanticized things are rarely actually romantic. That’s definitely true of giving up your autonomy, too. You are allowed (and encouraged) to set your own boundaries, and to regularly define them with your partner. It’s not healthy to put all of yourself into a relationship, and letting your partner know the things you won’t stand for gets rid of any confusion from the start.

Your boundaries might seem unloving, uncaring, or unsympathetic, but sometimes (read: “usually”) it’s important to think of yourself first. We’re a culture that’s been conditioned to think that other people’s opinions of us are the most important thing, but they’re not. We are our own “most important thing,” and the things that other people say don’t have to be a factor at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust or respect her. It just means that you respect and love yourself enough to know what you can’t handle, versus what you can – and you’re brave enough to draw that line in the sand. Now stick to it!

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3 Secrets About Attraction

Love and attraction might just be the most complex of all human emotions. It’s hard enough to understand your own attractions, but once you start trying to analyze other people’s… All bets are off. There are so many different opinions on the subject, just an hour of advice-article-searching can turn up dozens of tips. Do you play hard-to-get? Do you lay it all out on the table? Who has time to keep it all straight?

Well, scientists, apparently.

Turns out there have been studies done to help understand the rules of attraction a little better. While there are still a lot of mysteries to dig through, one thing’s for sure: Attraction is definitely a science and not an art.

Secret #1: Premarital sex is in our nature.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about just the LGBT community… I’m talking about humans as a species. A total of 34,909 American women (and 4,298 men) were polled through the National Survey of Family Growth, or NSFG. This survey asks questions about contraceptive, marital, childbearing, and sexual behaviors, and while it doesn’t explicitly ask about premarital sex, individual survey responses can be used to determine whether the person had premarital sex or not.

In a previous version of the study’s analysis had indicated that 85% of married, divorced, and widowed American women had sex before they were first married. After the 2002 results were added, Dr. Lawrence B. Finer, PhD, decided to analyze whether never-married women were just as likely to have premarital sex, and he found that they definitely were.

To read more about this study, check out the synopsis here.

Secret #2: Physical attractiveness is distracting.

I know, I know: We all knew this already. But did you know it’s actually been proven? In a study published in January 2016, scientists decided to have participants try a mentally-challenging task. The subjects were told to ignore the unrelated faces they were shown – but when an “attractive face” appeared, the participants weren’t able to focus on the task they were given.

The specifics of attraction are bound to vary from one person to the next, but their physical appearance is the thing that catches our eyes. From this information, the scientists gathered a selection of images. Half of the photos were digitally manipulated to be more conventionally attractive, while the other half was manipulated to be less attractive. They even analyzed eye tracking to see if the participants were looking at the parts of the photographs that had been retouched – and, in many cases, they were.

Although the study used all heterosexual-identified female participants, it’s still interesting to see how this information translates in the context of their experiment. If you’d like to read more about this particular study, check it out here.

Secret #3: Your voice changes when you talk to someone you find attractive.

Aside from the physical, many people are attracted to the sound of someone’s voice, and your voice will go lower when you’re talking to that person. (Interestingly enough, when you talk about something you’re excited about, your voice goes up – it’d be interesting to see how those details balance out when you talk to your crush about your hobbies…)

OK, so the voice change that happens when you talk to someone is basically common knowledge. Anyone who’s spent any time watching their friends flirt could probably figure this one out on their own, right? But, according to a November 2014 study, that new, lower-pitched voice is perceived as more attractive than the non-altered voice, consistently, by an unrelated third party.

The entire study is pretty interesting, actually, especially if you’re interested in the science of sound (I am). If you don’t feel like reading the summary, just know: Other people can tell when you use your “sexy voice,” and it’s probably working, too.

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12 Signs That Your Relationship is Perfect the Way It Is

Have you been having doubts about how good your relationship really is? It might seem like you’re near the end of your rope, but in most cases, it’s normal to have some doubts. Why do you think so many people get “cold feet” on their wedding days? Humans are full of anxiety and FOMO and self-doubt. It sucks, but it’s in our nature.

If you want to see if your doubts are really something to be concerned about, read through our list of 12 good signs in your relationship. As long as your relationship has most of these things, you’re probably not so bad for each other.

You feel like you deserve each other.

You are worthy of everything you agree to – whether that’s good or bad. If you feel like you and your partner deserve to be in each other’s lives, chances are good that you do (in one way or another). That’s not necessarily a good thing, but when it goes hand-in-hand with other, more wonderful-on-their-own things, it’s an incredible feeling.

This one can be really hard for people who have been treated less-than-human by previous partners, but it’s true: You deserve the love, romance, and sex that you want in life. Even if you’ve never had it before. Even if you’ve had it in every relationship you’ve had. No matter what, you deserve to have the things you want.

If you don’t feel like you deserve each other, things might be a little more complicated. Doubts are self-fulfilling prophecies, if left alone, but confidence can be, too. Make sure you’re putting the right positive attention into your relationship, and don’t worry about whether other people think you’re good enough for each other.

Life, in general, is good.

We tend to overlook the ways that the areas of our lives intersect, but for some reason, when you’re happier in one area of your life, you’re happier in the other areas of your life, too. Practicing gratitude and showing appreciation for the things that others do for you can help. The happiest people are also able to give to others, without expecting anything in return.

When you’re happy with the rest of your life, you can really see whether your partner complements that happy life or not. After all, if your entire life is a mystery or a disaster, how do you know if your partner is still going to be right for you once you get your life together?

All too often, people think that an amazing relationship can fix a sad life. It can’t. In fact, negative thinking has a way of working its way into seemingly unrelated areas of our lives. First, worry about your own happiness and positivity – and then figure out how someone else fits into the equation.

You are equal partners.

Equality is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy relationship, and couples who don’t treat each other like teammates aren’t setting themselves up for happiness. Unequal relationships result in resentment, romantic friction, and hurt feelings all around. The happiest couples are the ones who learn how to share responsibility, love, and effort equally.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is split 50-50, though – even though it might sound like it is. Everyone has a particular dynamic that works better for them. In my relationship, I work more and my partner cleans more, and that works for us – but you’ll need to find an arrangement that works for you.

Being equal partners means respecting each other’s opinions, even when they don’t make sense to you. What would you want her to do if the situation was reversed? She’s not your child, and she’s not your parent. She’s your partner. Your teammate. Your lover. Treat her accordingly!

You learn new things together on a regular basis.

Curiosity is one of the purest joys in life, and the ability to take in new information is coded into our pleasure center. (Probably. I’ve never actually seen a study about this, but I know I feel happy when I learn something new.) It sounds cheesy, but knowledge really is power, and people with a love for learning are naturally happier.

But what if you don’t have a passion for learning new things? The idea of taking a class “for fun” doesn’t really sound appealing to most of us. Rest assured, though, your “learning” doesn’t have to be anything formal – even a weekly YouTube tutorial counts as “learning.” And, if you’re doing it with someone you love, it kinda feels more like a date, doesn’t it?

Learning something that you’re really interested in, and learning it with someone you’re really interested in, gives you an excuse to practice and study – and it helps you retain the information better, because you’re more engaged. Why not take a leap and try learning something new?

You take your health (and hers) seriously.

Your health is super important, but most of us don’t give it the attention it deserves. Healthy food isn’t that good, and good food isn’t that healthy, am I right? Of course, health is about more than what you eat – working out (which is a drag for many people – myself included), your sexual health, and your mental health are all super important, too.

No matter where you’re at in your personal health journey, you owe it to yourselves to talk about your goals with each other. It helps give you someone to stay accountable to, no matter how uncomfortable that accountability might be for you. It gives you someone to cheer you on when things get rough, and it gives you someone to reach for your goals right with you (if your goals are similar, that is.)

You don’t need to be marathon runners or professional athletes. You don’t need to become psychological professionals. You don’t need your own personal nutritionist or a personal trainer or even a scale, if you don’t want. Just set some achievable goals, and work together to make them happen.

You both strive to be the best versions of yourself.

I firmly believe that we’re all good people, somewhere on the inside. We all want to be good people, and we’ll generally do whatever we can to be that person. We’re human, though, so we screw it up sometimes.

That doesn’t mean we stop trying, though – healthy relationships mean that we own up to our mistakes and work toward improving things. You and your partner should understand the idea of forgiveness, and understand the difference between “a mistake” and a “bad habit.”

This desire to better yourself shouldn’t stop with just your relationship, though – life requires constant change, and if you’re not trying to be a better person, you’re settling for less than you deserve. The happiest partners don’t neglect the other areas in their lives – they just motivate each other to be the most balanced, amazing people they can possibly be.

She’s not your sun and sky.

Most romantic movies shove the idea of “immersive love” down our throats. Real love doesn’t work like that, though – once the initial infatuation falls away, it becomes clear that she’s really not everything. You did fine before her, and you will go on without her if you need to. She should complement your life, not complete it.

It’s unhealthy to invest everything you have into a single thing, whether that’s a person, a job, or even a passion you have. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and tomorrow isn’t promised – but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the time you do have. Happy couples aren’t fixated on “quality time” or “future plans,” as important as those things are, because they know that the little things are sometimes secretly the big things.

On the rough days, it might seem like she’s your whole world. But once the good times come back around (and they will), you’ll remember that you are your own world – she just happens to make it a little better.

You find each other attractive.

It might seem really, really shallow, but you need to find your partner attractive. Trust me. It makes a difference. It definitely shouldn’t be the only reason you’re together, but if you don’t think she looks good, the rest of the things that go along with a happy relationship are going to be a lot harder. (I swear, I know how this sounds, but it’s actually science.)

Does that mean that you have to be dressed up for each other every day? No. Does it mean that they have to love every outfit you own? Absolutely not. But a happy relationship revolves around attraction on a physical and emotional level. If it’s not there, the relationship isn’t, either.

It’s also important that you see your own beauty, because your self-image is so important to your overall confidence. If you’re not confident, you’re not happy – and we’re aiming for happy here, right? We all struggle some days, and having a partner who thinks you’re sexy however you are today can definitely ease the pain of a bad hair day.

Money isn’t really that big of a deal.

Most people give money more attention than it really deserves. (I’d like to pretend I’ve never fallen into that trap, but I have – so, so many times.) It’s hard to remember that money is really such a small portion of our lives, especially when we’re struggling to make ends meet… But, in the grand scheme of things, money really is just money.

Don’t get me wrong – paying your bills is important, and if you’re not able to do that, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on your life. Especially if you’re also trying hard to make a less-than-great relationship work out, too. But I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a better time fixing the issue if you focus on one. Is money really that important now? It probably never was.

When finances start to cause tension in the relationship, it might be tempting to fight and argue about it – but that’s not going to fix your problems. Take some time to calm down, and cut back in as many non-essential places as you can stand to. Then, you can approach the issue with less stress and a more level head. Your chances for a resolution are much better that way.

You’re stable, or at least working towards stability.

Life is a roller coaster, but your relationship shouldn’t be. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, at least most of the time. That happiness doesn’t need to be an exciting fantasy every single day – it really is ok to take it slow sometimes.

“Comfortable” doesn’t have to mean “boring,” and the happiest couples know how to appreciate the comforts that their relationships offer. It’s not a yelling match or an all-day sex-fest. It’s a relationship, and that means that things can be a bit dull sometimes.

Just remember: Even celebrities have low-key, laid-back days sometimes. Do you think your life is more exciting than Ruby Rose’s life? I don’t think so.

The idea of abuse and manipulation are out of the question.

I’d like to think that everyone has a built-in filter that says that emotional, sexual, and physical abuse aren’t okay. Unfortunately, that’s not true – there are some people out there who think that’s all there is. People in abusive relationships might think that sticking around just shows how much they care, but it’s necessary that you care about yourself, first and foremost. You deserve so much better, and the right partner for you agrees.

No one deserves to be treated like they’re nothing. It doesn’t matter what you’ve ever done, or what you’ve ever thought about, or anything that could possibly make a difference here – abuse is abuse. A partner who truly cares about you would never say that something you did caused them to abuse you.

Let me say it one more time: There is no excuse for sexual, emotional, or physical violence within a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it was “provoked” – the right partner for you would never think it was okay to treat you that way.

You feel like it’s secretly perfect.

In the end, only you really know whether something is right for you or not – so how do you feel? Take some time to think about your relationship and how it affects your life. Does your partner bring you joy? Do you bring joy into her life, too? If you do, congratulations – your relationship is secretly amazing.

14 Signs You’re About to Get Dumped

I want to share a fun fact with you guys: I’ve been dumped a lot more times than I’ve dumped someone else. In some ways, it’s by choice – breaking up with someone is really, really hard for a people-pleaser. (I’m working on that, but that’s another story entirely.) But, unfortunately for my poor heart, I wasn’t pushing for it every time – some of those times, I was taken by surprise when whoever I was dating at the time used my own tricks against me.

(Yes, this list can also serve as a how-to article for getting someone else to break up with you, but I’ve got to advise you to not use it that way.)

In time, I stopped using my own little tricks, and learned how to break up with someone the way I wished someone else would have the decency to do to me. In some ways, it was good that I got to go through those things – it helped teach me what type of behavior to address in future relationships (if I actually wanted to work them out) and helped me see things coming ahead of time, to better prepare myself.

Now, what are those signs, and how should you handle them? Throughout all the breakups I’ve been through, here are 14 signs that are usually present before it happened. Keep in mind that none of these signs is absolutely true in all occasions – if your relationship only shows a couple, you can probably talk your way through them. Everyone has rough days sometimes. But if you keep noticing more and more, it might be a good idea to let go now – before things get worse for you.

Sign #1: She doesn’t seem to have any time for you anymore.

One of the easiest things to do when you aren’t really feeling it anymore is to simply take a step back – and that’s what many women do. If your girlfriend always has a reason why she can’t be with you, there’s a chance she no longer considers you a priority.

Sign #2: She’s slowly making herself less available to you.

It’s not always a complete disconnect – usually, the physical distance is gradual. It starts with a few flaky plans or noncommittal answers. It may be accidental, though, so make sure you talk to her about it before you assume the worst.

Sign #3: Even when she is there, she’s not really.

Even as she starts to pull her attention away from you, she’s likely to spend time with you, at least occasionally, to keep up appearances and go through the motions. But if it feels like she’s simply going through the motions, she probably is – don’t make excuses for being ignored.

Sign #4: You feel weird or off about spending time together.

Particularly if you’re used to dating people who aren’t really true about their intentions, it can be easy to read too much into your intuition. Realistically, though, your intuition is there to serve as a warning of a potential danger – it shouldn’t be completely ignored. At a minimum, you should be discussing your concerns with your partner.

Sign #5: Your dates become less special.

In the start of the relationship, it’s all flowers and fancy restaurants – but now you’re lucky if you go through the drive-through once a month. (Together, that is.) Not all dates need to be five-stars, but if there’s a marked lack of effort on her part, there’s a chance it’s intentional.

Sign #6: You only seem to go out in groups.

There’s a reason group dates work so well for new relationships: They help take the pressure off, by making quality time together nearly impossible. If the love (or lust) is still there, you might take off away from the crowd – but if she puts barriers in place to make sure it’s never just the two of you, take the hint. She doesn’t want it to be just the two of you.

Sign #7: She refuses to plan things with you ahead of time.

Whether it’s your sister’s wedding next year or a concert next month, she simply can’t commit to something that far ahead of time, and there’s a good reason: She’s not sure if you’ll still be together in that amount of time. Most of us have a general idea of what’s going on in our lives, and if it were something important for us, we’d make the time for it.

Sign #8: She won’t return your calls or texts.

Of course, you’ve got to use a little discretion here – there’s a huge difference between not texting back because she’s doing something super important and not texting back ever. If she cares about you, she’ll make a point to text you back when the timing is better for her, with a simplified reason why.

Sign #9: She starts using self-fulfilling break-up clichés.

Talk is cheap, but if you really listen to what your partner says, what is she really saying? Listen for things like “Maybe we’re just not right for each other,” “Maybe we’re just too different,” or “What if something happens between us?” You should also listen for blame-grabbing phrases such as “You can do better than me” as they mean basically the same thing as “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Sign #10: She never asks about your day.

Sometimes, we get too busy with life and forget to check in. But that’s not what this is. If your girlfriend always steers the conversation back towards herself, or if she acts like she doesn’t care about you… Believe her! Most people aren’t “acting” when they act self-centered.

Sign #11: She argues with you about everything.

Relationships are going to have disagreements – that’s a given. But pay attention to who brings up the concerns, and how frequently they happen. Does it seem like she has a criticism for everything you do and every opinion you have? Take note.

Sign #12: She gets defensive about your concerns.

If you try to have a civil discussion about your relationship needs that aren’t being fulfilled, how would your girlfriend react? If she denies, minimizes, or avoids acknowledging the things that are bothering you, she is trying to affirm that she’s the better person here – which means she’s not someone you need in your life.

Sign #13: She threatens to get violent with you.

First, let me say that a threat of violence doesn’t necessarily mean someone is planning to leave, but it does mean that you should get out of the relationship. However, in some cases, a partner may make threats (that she may or may not act on) in an effort to get you to leave her. In any case, it’s better to get out while the threat is still a threat and not a reality, if at all possible.

Sign #14: She says she’s not attracted to you anymore.

Physical attraction is one piece of the puzzle of love – but it’s a bigger piece than we give it credit for. The desire between you is undoubtedly going to go through phases, but the attraction should still remain. If she makes comments about your features that makes it clear she’s not attracted anymore – or worse, directly insults you – she’s probably doing it specifically to hurt you. Talk it through if you need to, but remember – your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. So, does she?

9 Ways Your Family Screws With Your Mental Health

We don’t want to believe that the people closest to us are going to do things to hurt us. Sure, maybe sometimes we don’t see eye to eye, but would they really go out of their way to make us feel bad about ourselves? Well, quite possibly, but it’s not usually on purpose. The way things are intended aren’t always the way they come across, and it’s hard to really understand the motivation behind the way someone is.

We’ve laid out 8 things that most family members say at some point, and what they really mean. How many have you heard? How many have you said?

“You’re too good for him/her.”

What they mean: “I’m concerned that your partner doesn’t bring you enough happiness.”

What you hear: “Your emotions are not as important as my judgment over your relationship.”

This one comes from a place of genuine love and concern, and usually comes from a close friend or family member who thinks they know you. They’re worried about your relationship, for whatever reason, and they think that your judgment is clouded. While this is sometimes true, it needs to be presented carefully – otherwise it’ll fall on deaf (and annoyed) ears.

“Are you really going to eat all that?”

What they mean: “I’m worried about the health and fitness expectations I have for you.”

What you hear: “Your health requires my validation – you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Children, teens, and young adults who suffer from body image issues almost always have a family member who encouraged the disordered thinking – and disordered thinking leads to disordered behaviors. I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has ever been fat-shamed by anyone else… You are so much more than your measurements, I promise.

“Why can’t you be more like _____?”

What they mean: “Your sister/brother/cousin seems to be more successful than you are. Maybe you should ask them for some advice.”

What you hear: “You are not good enough. I’d rather you were someone else instead.”

No one deserves to live in someone else’s shadow – including you. One of the most wonderful things about human beings is that we are all unique in so many ways. When we turn everything into a competition, we rob ourselves of our individuality. We destroy the very thing that makes us amazing.

“Your job isn’t good enough for you.”

What they mean: “I think you should have a different job that makes more money or gives you better perks.”

What you hear: “Your job satisfaction doesn’t matter – you need to adhere to my definition of success.”

Not everyone has the same qualifiers for satisfaction, and people are always going to pass judgment on the decisions you’ve made for yourself. That doesn’t mean you need to stick to their qualifiers, though – figure out what makes you happy, and handle your business. (Even if that means working minimum wage so you can put food on the table – a universally good job is hard to come by.)

“Are you really going like that?”

What they mean: “I’m not comfortable with the way you look right now.”

What you hear: “Your style/fashion/makeup choices aren’t good enough.”

No one likes being told what they can or should wear, and no one likes hearing that they don’t look nice. When someone undermines the choices you’ve made with your appearance – or even worse, the things about your appearance that weren’t a choice – you have the right to completely ignore them. Be your own kind of gorgeous, and find people who celebrate your gorgeousness with you.

“If you don’t _, I’m going to ___.”

What they mean: “This thing is important enough to me that I will threaten you to make sure it happens.”

What you hear: “My control over this demand is more important to me than your happiness or sense of safety.”

Threats, ultimatums, and demands are never good for a relationship – no matter what kind of relationship that is. When the people close to you start making statements like this, they’re not showing “tough love”, they’re exhibiting control over you. It’s entirely appropriate to refuse these demands, particularly if the threat directly affects your safety, your livelihood, or your other relationships.

“I don’t care.”

What they mean: “It doesn’t matter what the reason is, my argument does not change.”

What you hear: “You don’t matter.”

This one usually comes up in an argument, when we’re already prone to saying things we don’t really mean. That doesn’t excuse it, but it should help to soften the blow at least a little. When someone tells you that they don’t care, believe them – they don’t.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

What they mean: See “I don’t care.”

What you hear: “The things you have to say are unimportant.”

In some ways, this is just an extension of “I don’t care,” above. But, it also tells a child (or young adult) that your thoughts don’t mean as much as someone else’s – someone you care deeply about. Approval from the people closest to us helps to build our self-worth, and while it is possible to build it up yourself, it’s a lot harder.

“If you just tried a little harder…”

What they mean: “I think you’re not living up to your fullest potential.”

What you hear: “If this is the best you can do, you’re not good enough.”

One of the most depressing feelings we encounter in life is the feeling that we are inadequate. We all get these feelings from time to time, but there are certain things that definitely make the feelings worse. When someone says that you should just try harder, they’re assuming that you’re not already trying as hard as you can. If you are already trying your hardest (which is impossible to see from the outside), you can start to feel like you’ll never be good enough.

13 Habits To Help You Feel Better About Yourself

I’ve struggled with my self-image and self-esteem for most of my life. For a long time, I was ashamed that I even had these self-image problems, so I kept them to myself in the hopes that no one else would bring them up.

Unfortunately, though, I’d get really insecure if they ever did come up.

In my mind, I falsely associated my own insecurities with other people tearing them down – even though, really, I knew that I was at least partially responsible for how I felt about myself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was already well into my 20s that I started to understand the real ways to fix my self-esteem – and it didn’t involve a bit of pretending.

1. Focus on the here and now.

We spend way too much of our lives thinking about the past and the future. Personally, I’ve had to fight the urge to plan my life months and months ahead of time, because something always comes up. I’d also dwell on the things I’d done wrong in the past. Instead, I’ve learned to simply take things as they come. After all, the only moment in time you have any control over is the one you’re currently in – so make the most of it. Release your hold on the future, and let go of your hold on the past.

2. Take time for yourself, every day.

Much like we spend too much time thinking, we spend too much time doing things for other people. Don’t get me wrong – doing kind things for others is one of the biggest joys in life. But you can’t give to others if you aren’t leaving anything for yourself. Instead, make sure you put yourself first, and fit everything else in around that. Suddenly, you’ll notice that your life has more joy in it – and that’s a great motivator.

3. Make it easier for you to eat healthy.

Many people feel like they “don’t like healthy foods,” or that they have a dependence on junk food. Most of the time, though, it’s just that the junk foods are easier to get to than the healthier foods – so prep something healthy ahead of time, so that it’s easy to grab and go. Your whole body feels better when you put the right things into it.

4. Get moving more, and make it fun.

Even for people who consider themselves “fit”, we’re probably not exercising as much as we should. Most people don’t find most exercise enjoyable, and they think it’s the act of exercising that feels wrong – so they don’t look for an alternative. When you take time to find an exercise routine that’s fun to you, it won’t feel like working out, and you’re more likely to stick with it. Not everyone needs to load up on cardio, and not everyone has to enjoy strength training. Find what works for you – the specific type of exercise matters less than you might think.

5. Meditate or practice mindfulness.

This is one that’s still pretty new to me, but it has made a tremendous difference in my life. I find it easier to focus on my work tasks, which means I get more done and have more work satisfaction. It’s easier to forgive the people who have done me wrong, which brings me peace. And, I’m learning how to appreciate my circumstances, even when they’re unpleasant – which makes life in general a lot more bearable.

6. Allow yourself to forgive others.

Many people think that forgiving someone means that you’re okay with what they did to you. That’s not really it at all, though. True forgiveness is about setting yourself free from the pain you’ve felt in the past. It means acknowledging that it happened, and respecting their choices. It doesn’t mean that you have to take the chance of it happening again – you can forgive someone and still not want them in your life.

7. Accept your own forgiveness, too.

We’re often our own worst critics, and it takes work to move on from the mistakes of our past. Try to think of the things you’ve done to disappoint yourself, and try to empathize with your younger, less-informed self. After all, as long as you learned from it, you’re not the same person anymore.

8. Make plans and set goals – and make them happen.

Goal-setting and goal-achieving is pretty much programmed into our brains as a rewarding activity – but not everyone knows how to harness this inner reward system. Long-term planners and goal setters know the value in working towards something for a long time, and how satisfying it is once you’ve finally got what you wanted. Start with a few short-term, highly-achievable goals to get your momentum going, and go after bigger and bolder things when you feel more confident.

9. Talk to yourself (nicely).

The way you speak to yourself sets the bar for how other people should treat you – are you talking to yourself the way you want to be talked to? It can feel really awkward when you first start trying to speak more positively to yourself, but once you get into the habit of correcting your negative self-talk, you’ll find that it really is easier to be kind.

10. Make time for your hobbies and passions.

Many people think that the key to success and happiness is achievement. Unfortunately, “achievement” has a number of broad definitions beyond the normal (financial) measures that come to mind. The most confident people know that all those little milestones they get to enjoy are just as important as any other achievements, even if they don’t make sense to anyone else.

11. Stop competing and comparing.

Most people are far too competitive with one another, often bordering on full-fledged envy. We see the things that other people have, or the talents they possess, and we compare that to where we currently are. However, once you stop looking at these other people as competitors and start looking at them as possible mentors, you might find out a lot more about yourself than you ever knew before – and you may learn a thing or two about success, too.

12. Spend time by yourself.

I’m one of those people who has to take a few hours to recharge in solitude before social settings, so I’ve always put a high value on alone time. But it’s good for people who aren’t so introverted, too – even if they don’t need as much alone time to be happy. Try to take at least a few minutes a week to sit alone, in silence, and just process your life.

13. Spend time with positive, uplifting people.

Finally, if you want to feel better about yourself, you should spend more time with people who feel good about themselves, and (preferably) about you, too. These people can help to build you up, and can help teach you ways to build yourself up. (I bet you didn’t know this, but they struggle with being positive sometimes, too – they’ve just learned how to get around their roadblocks.)

13 Signs Your Relationship is On the Right Track

Relationships are really, really hard work. Even when everything is going well, it’s still hard to keep your emotions in check sometimes. Things don’t really get any easier as you go, either – they just get a little more worth the effort.

Everyone has their own expectations of what makes a perfect relationship, but there are 13 signs that let you know that things are probably on the right track. Give yourself a pat on the back – you deserve it!

1. You can talk things out without fighting.

Every relationship has disagreements, but not all relationships can move through those disagreements. What makes the difference? Simply put, it’s whether you have the ability to talk about things without turning it into a battle or a competition.

2. You practice grace and forgiveness.

Two of the hardest-to-come-by virtues out there, grace and forgiveness give you peace with yourself and others. While we’re definitely not saying you should gloss over the big indiscretions, you need to accept that people make mistakes sometimes, and know how to move on from them.

3. You show each other love and kindness.

Most of us choose to identify as kind and loving – but we might forget to show it as much as we should. Happy relationships rely on love, affection, and a feeling of friendship between the partners. If you have that, you’re a lot closer than those who don’t.

4. You make each other laugh.

We’re all looking for someone who can make us laugh, but at some point we forget how important it is. I don’t think I personally know a single person who doesn’t list “a good sense of humor” as one of their main relationship priorities. Remember that the next time your girlfriend is annoying you with her cheesy impressions.

5. You use your differences to grow.

Everyone has differences – it’s one of the things that makes us so special as human beings. How you respond to those differences tells a lot about how compatible you really are, though. Do you use your differences against each other, or do you remember that you’re different people with different perspectives?

6. You make each other a priority.

You aren’t always going to be each other’s first priority, but you should always fall somewhere near the top of the other’s list. If you two make a point to spend time with each other all the time, and really focus on the time you do spend, you’re taking action to build your bond – good for you!

7. You serve each other without resentment.

There are mixed opinions on this particular subject – does someone deserve “wifey treatment” if they aren’t willing to actually be your wife? I think that this relies on a misunderstanding about serving your partner, though. It should never be an obligation, but rather something you choose to do for her. If you are happy to do things for her, and she is happy to do things for you, then you’ve got it good.

8. You care for yourselves and each other.

It’s all well and good to have a partner who wants to take care of you, but if one of you isn’t also interested in taking care of yourself, no amount of serving will help you. The best partners know that you can’t help someone out of a hole that you’re stuck in yourself. They take care of themselves, so that they can better take care of each other.

9. You don’t have secrets from each other.

Of course, being an individual implies a certain amount of privacy. I’m not talking about sharing every detail of everything. But the things you keep from your partner shouldn’t be the things they don’t want to hear – it should be the things that don’t concern them. She doesn’t need to know the contents of your e-mails, but she does deserve to know if any of them cross any lines.

10. You both admit your mistakes.

Admitting a problem is the first step in fixing it – so taking ownership of the mistakes you’ve made is the first step in working towards a solution. You two don’t fight over these mistakes, because you don’t try to deny that they happened.

11. You don’t keep score.

A little friendly competition is good for you – but that competition shouldn’t get in the way of your happy, healthy relationship. That means you need to let go of the things that happened in the past, and both try your best to prevent the mistakes from repeating. It also means you trust your partner to do what she said she was going to do, even if she occasionally doesn’t.

12. You support each other, in public and private.

It’s important to have a partner who supports the things you want to do with your life, and just as important to have a partner who’s willing to stick up for you when things get a little tense. If your partner cheers you on, even when others are booing, she’s a keeper.

13. You encourage each other to be your best selves.

I’m always really hesitant about including this as advice, because there’s a very thin line between “encouraging someone to reach their full potential” and “trying to turn someone into something they’re not”. For partners who are in support of the changes being made, however, it’s an incredible feeling to know that your girlfriend is on your team and wants great things to happen for you. Just make sure you’re doing the same for her, too.

12 Compliments You Should Give Your Lady More Often

I love giving people compliments. It’s in my nature to be encouraging, I think, and I love the feeling I get when I see someone achieve the things they set their minds to. I don’t really know what it is, either – I guess some people just get joy from making other people happy.

(Secretly, I think we all do, but there are some people who will never admit it.)

There’s never really a bad time to make someone feel good about themselves, either. In some cases, a kind word can literally save someone’s life – the right words are very powerful. Even when it’s not a life-and-death scenario, giving compliments doesn’t cost anything and will give everyone involved a strong case of the warm fuzzies. Why not say something nice today?

“You’re amazing – don’t change.”

When someone is struggling with their self-image, or something else about themselves, sometimes they need a small reminder that they are already good enough. I don’t know too many people who don’t need to hear this one sometimes. (Just make sure you actually think the person is amazing – there’s no value in lying here.)

“You’re special to me.”

Most of us struggle with our self-worth from time to time, even if our confidence is otherwise pretty solid. Telling someone that they’re special to you not only shows your appreciation of the things that they do for you, but it also lets them know that they’re worth something to you. It might also help remind them that anyone who doesn’t think they’re special isn’t worth a second thought.

“I’m proud of you.”

This is one of my particular favorites, because of how it makes me feel when I hear it. If someone is feeling confused or defeated in their path in life, this can be the push they need. Knowing that someone is proud of them could make the difference between “I give up!” versus “Look what I did!”

“You look good.”

It might seem like a shallow compliment, relying solely on looks, and in many cases, that’s true. But if you have a loved one who’s been trying particularly hard to get in shape or get healthy, it acts as an acknowledgement of effort. Just knowing that someone else can see the progress made is a huge motivator.

“You are enough.”

This one comes particularly in handy when someone has been passed over for a job or a promotion, or been rejected by someone they cared about. Everyone is subject to occasional feelings of inadequacy, because the brain can’t differentiate between the things that we wanted, but didn’t get, as opposed to the things that we’ve lost. This is a gentle reminder that the status or achievement that they don’t have will not define them, in the past, present, or future.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Everyone likes feeling important, at least to some extent – and letting someone know that they’re an irreplaceable part of your life gives them importance beyond measure. It lets them know that you see them as a blessing, which is really a warm-fuzzy for both of you.

“You’re so skilled.”

It’s easy to get caught up in the things that we can’t do, and a “talent” mentality has a lot to do with it. By turning talents into skills, and reminding the person how much they’ve already improved, they’re more motivated to keep practicing. Very few people are born with “raw, natural talent” – for the rest of us, there’s dedication and practice.

“I appreciate you.”

It’s not only nice to feel appreciated – it’s necessary for our mental health and overall happiness. More people leave a relationship due to a lack of appreciation, directly or indirectly, than for any other reason. More people leave their jobs when they don’t think their boss appreciates them than any other reason. More people ditch friendships because they feel they’re being taken advantage than any other reason. Do you see a trend forming here?

A specific “thank you.”

Most people say “thank you” as a habitual response to an action, if they even say it at all. That doesn’t really show gratitude, though – so it’s important to cultivate better “thank you’s” in order to let the person know how you really feel. After all, you are grateful for this person, right?

“You are strong and brave.”

When people get scared, they tend to forget the progress they’ve already made. They freeze in fear and don’t know what steps to take next. Reminding them that they’ve already overcome so much will help encourage them to keep trying. They’ve gone through so much, and always came out on top eventually – so remind their inner warrior that they’ve got a 100% track record, and cheer them on.

“I believe in you.”

We (as humans) are more likely to give up on our goals, dreams, and plans if it feels like other people have given up on us, too. Even the strongest people will struggle if no one believes in them. Reminding someone that you believe in them is one of the easiest ways to encourage their continued awesomeness – and if it leads into a deeper conversation, even better.

“I love you.”

We don’t usually think of this one as a compliment, because we reserve it for specific people in our lives. Really, though, why can’t we love everyone in our lives? There are many different types of love, and they all deserve to be acknowledged. Remind your partner, your friends, and your family of the love you feel for them – and find a way to express your love toward strangers, too. Trust me – it helps.

8 Creepy Things Women Are Tired of Hearing

Can we talk about creeps for a minute, please?

I pretty much grew up with the internet, so I’ve been exposed to almost every type of creep imaginable. I also spent some time as a party girl, and learned about a few more types of creep. Sometimes, these creeps are actively trying to convince you that you’re wrong about not wanting to sleep with them. Others are slightly less creepy, choosing instead to give you advice about your appearance or hobbies. (They’re still creeps, though, because it’s not really their business.)

How many of these things have you heard lately? Do you have any more to add? Let us know in the comments!

“How much do you weigh?” or “What size _____ do you wear?”

I’ll admit it: For the longest time, I had no idea why asking a woman what she weighed could be offensive. I’d always been a bit chubby, but I weighed more than I looked like I did. (Or, at least that’s what people told me when I responded to this question.) I was pretty happy with myself for a while.

That is, until I realized what they were really saying when they told me I carried it well. They were telling me, “You look nice… For a fat person.” And it hurts a bit. Over time, the “for a fat person” starts overhanging everything else, and it calls attention to something that may be a sensitive issue. Body image issues can turn into eating disorders if left unchecked – and once you go down that road, it’s a really, really tough path to recovery.

The problem here isn’t (necessarily) in the words you’re actually using, but in the fact that you’re assigning values to someone based on the answer they give. Whether you realize it or not, you’re implying that the person’s value is attached to an arbitrary number. Just don’t do it.

“Hey baby/sweetheart/love.”

Let me be really clear here. I love pet names. I absolutely adore them and have pet names for almost every person in my life. But when a stranger chooses to call me a pet name, it makes me cringe. Does this mean I’m a hypocrite? Not at all!

Pet names are meant to convey love and affection. It’s implied that calling someone by a pet name, rather than their real name, means you want to have an intimate relationship with them (whether physical or emotional). Sometimes it’s harmless, like the little old lady at your local diner – but when it comes from someone who could prove to be a threat, it turns the woman into an object to be doted on. Not exactly charming.

Instead of assigning a pet name (or any other nickname!) to someone you don’t know – anyone you don’t know – try asking their name instead. You might make a new friend, instead of being labelled the local creep.

“Well, someone’s hungry today.” Or “Are you really going to eat all that?”

There’s a lot of pressure on women to stay thin, for the convenience of others. (I will acknowledge that men face similar pressures, too, but they’re less likely to get flak about them from strangers.) Society likes thin women because they’re “more attractive,” never mind the fact that everyone has their own unique preferences for a partner. But, I digress.

With these pressures (and the added commentary), it’s no wonder that so many women have body image issues. When you add that to the fact that a stranger is literally talking about your food, as if what you put in your body is their business, makes it extra creepy.

Instead of talking about the food someone else is eating, how about just focusing on what you put in your body? Not everyone’s dietary and nutritional needs are the same, and not everybody cares. You have no right to place judgments on how much (or how little) another person is eating.

“You should smile more.”

This one sounds innocent enough, and it almost would be. Except that no one tells men to smile more. Women are told to smile more because they’re perceived as rough when they’re not smiling. They’re seen as aggressive and domineering, and sometimes even called ugly for it. Is it fair? Absolutely not. Does it happen every day? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

Why are we told to smile? Maybe it’s a judgment about how attractive we are. Maybe it’s a commentary that our (perceived) unhappiness makes someone else uncomfortable. In both cases, it’s a gentle nudge that reminds you that what someone else thinks is way more important than how you, as a woman, really feel.

Instead of telling someone they should smile more, you should naturally try to encourage them to smile. Nothing artificial here – just be a good person and a little bit less of a creep, and I’m sure she probably will smile more. Or not – it’s not her job to please you!

“How tall are you without your shoes?”

This one seems innocent, too, except that it seeks to categorize a person based on an arbitrary measurement. Height has nothing to do with your potential for love, success, and happiness, and it shouldn’t be used to determine your value in any of those areas.

It also (indirectly) attacks a woman’s fashion choices. The truth is, the shoes you wear are 100% your business. Who cares if they’re ballet flats, sneakers, rain boots, or platform stilettos? As long as you feel comfortable and confident in your shoes, your shoes are awesome. It literally doesn’t matter what shoes make you feel comfortable.

(That being said, if your work requests that you wear specific shoes for the job, I 100% advise you to either wear those shoes or find a different job… But that’s another subject entirely.)

“You should do something different with your hair/makeup/style.”

This one usually comes from someone who means well, but they miss the mark with their concern. Telling someone that the way they look isn’t good is never the nice thing to do, but for some reason, people think it’s okay to judge women for these choices. (Have you seen how those celebs going au naturel have been talked about? It’s disgusting.)

Clothing, hair, and makeup are all personal choices that help to reflect your personality, in whatever way you want it to. Changing the style because of someone else’s opinion won’t make you look better, because you look better when you’re comfortable and confident – and following the advice of someone who just made you feel bad about yourself isn’t the way to find confidence.

Can we all just agree that we’ll appreciate the style choices of others without trying to “correct” them? This isn’t a math test, it’s just how we want to look, okay?

“Is that your real hair color?”

Have you ever noticed that men don’t really get asked if their hair is its natural color? It took me longer than I’d like to admit to finally make the connection. Men don’t get asked because the question isn’t really about hair dye… It’s about pubes. This question is just the more PC version of “Does the carpet match the drapes?” (Which, by the way, is a super awful line and should never be used. Ever.)

I used to answer this one proudly. I’ve been dying my hair every color imaginable since I was 14 years old. (I’m naturally a platinum blonde, which thankfully takes color really, really well.) But people still ask if the color is obviously fake – purple-haired me got just as many creepy questions as brunette-haired me did.

Repeat after me: “Someone else’s genitals are none of my business unless they want to share them with me.” Okay? Okay.

“Your [insert clothing item or body part here] is distracting to me.”

We hear about this one a lot whenever the subject of school dress codes comes up. Girls are told that their shoulders, their bra straps, and the back of their legs are distracting. They are often pulled out of class and told to cover up – sometimes even sent home to change. This distraction from the student’s education is overlooked (because who likes smart girls, anyway?).

Sadly, that doesn’t really go away when you grow up, either. I remember my girlfriend’s mom telling me one time that I shouldn’t wear shorts when I go out because “it might give some old man a heart attack.” I’ve been told by random strangers that they could see my bra sticking out from under my tank top. I’ve overheard people talking about rape survivors as if their clothing choices were to blame for what happened to them.

Let me just clear this one up: If you are sexualizing someone else’s body, without their consent, it is not their fault that you find them distracting. It’s your own creepiness causing problems for you, and you should really look into that a bit before blaming the victims.

How To Handle 9 Common Relationship Speed Bumps Like A Grown Ass Woman

I love talking about growth in a relationship. There’s something magical about the transformations that you go through between your teenage years and adulthood. These changes don’t happen at exactly the same time for everyone, and for some people they never happen – I’m sure you can think of a few people who still act like kids, even well into their 30s and 40s. (I’m related to a few.)

What’s even more magical is the fact that, sometimes, the most mature people I know are the ones who are bad at relationships. There are things that make us mature in all other aspects of our lives – such as keeping our emotions to ourselves – that don’t necessarily mean we’re a grown ass woman in our relationships.

Curious about how to treat your relationship with the maturity it deserves? Just follow these 9 simple tips.

Scenario #1: Your partner is too busy to answer your calls.

Immature response: The immature partner may feel insecure if their partner isn’t able to respond right away. She may worry that her partner is cheating on her, or that she’s moving on without even saying goodbye.

Mature response: The grown ass woman understands that her girlfriend’s phone doesn’t live in her hand, and sometimes there are more important things going on. She knows that not every little thing is “a sign” of something bad, and she’s not going to raise a fuss without something a little more concrete.

Scenario #2: Your partner falls behind on her share of the housework.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend might keep score about who does the dishes more often, and who forgot to fold the clothes when it was their turn to do the laundry. She holds onto these things in order to bring them up at a later date.

Mature response: The grown ass woman tries to see things from her girlfriend’s perspective first. She takes time to calm down so that her anger doesn’t get the better of her. Finally, she forgives her partner and remembers that there are more important things in life than the cleaning.

Scenario #3: Your partner wants to spend some time with her friends.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend immediately gets suspicious. She feels that her partner is trying to get away from her, and she may try to tag along, or to convince her girlfriend to just stay home instead. She’s worried that her partner will cheat with her attractive friends.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows exactly why her girlfriend has attractive friends, and also knows that it’s not a threat to her. She knows that friends are absolutely vital to happiness and that her girlfriend, who is also a grown ass woman, doesn’t need a babysitter.

Scenario #4: Your sex life starts to slow down.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may assume that her partner is losing interest in her. Whether she’s getting it somewhere else, or she’s simply disinterested, doesn’t really matter – and the immature girlfriend refuses to ask anyway.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows that sex isn’t always going to be the pinnacle of the relationship. She is, however, willing to negotiate when the mood doesn’t line up just right – such as giving her partner pleasure even when she’s not in the mood. (As long as her partner asks nicely, of course.)

Scenario #5: Your partner has an occasional bad attitude.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will take this bad attitude very personally, and may even react to it with anger. Best case scenario, she’ll dwell on it and worry about what it means for the relationship.

Mature response: A grown ass woman understands that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes, you’re on your period, or sick, or stressed out from work and/or school, but that doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person you love. Instead, the grown ass woman thanks her for putting up with her bad attitudes, too.

Scenario #6: You disagree about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may respond to differences with horror, anger, or insecurity. Differences are seen as polar, and are hard to work around. It seems like she’ll never find a partner she’s actually compatible with.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is flexible about the little things. She knows that she’s not always going to get her way, and that’s okay. She knows that differences are what make us human, and they’re worth celebrating – or, at the very least, respecting.

Scenario #7: Your partner needs time for herself.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will see this “alone time” as an immediate and urgent threat to the relationship. She may feel abandoned or neglected, and she may even question whether the alone time is actually being spent alone.

Mature response: A grown ass woman encourages her girlfriend to find her own independence. She values her own privacy, so she respects her partner’s privacy, too. Most of all, she knows that arguing while you’re angry is one of the fastest ways to say something you regret, so she would never deny her partner the ability to reflect in private first.

Scenario #8: Your partner has strong feelings about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may be disinterested if her partner is having problems that don’t have anything to do with her. If the problem does have something to do with her, she may become defensive. Either way, this scenario is bound to be awkward.

Mature response: A grown ass woman listens to her girlfriend’s complaints without judgment or assumptions. Then, when her partner is done airing her complaints, the mature girlfriend offers support and, only if requested, advice.

Scenario #9: Your partner makes more money than you do.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may feel jealous and insecure when her partner makes more money than her. Society teaches us that we need to be competitive with other women. When the “other woman” is someone you love, that competition gets really strange, really fast. I’ve known lesbians who have actually broken up with a woman because of income differences.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is inspired by other people’s success stories, and seeing her girlfriend succeed will motivate her to reach her own goals, too. She knows that her partner’s wins are also her wins, because they’re working to build an empire together – not just a way to pass the time.

17 Things You Should Probably Do More Often In Your Relationship

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships in my time in the dating scene, it’s definitely that there are few absolutes. You can date a ton of women who all love cats, and once you’ve collected a good assortment of cats from previous relationships, you’ll eventually end up with a woman who really doesn’t like them.

It’s pretty much like that with everything, too – we’re all different, and we’re all into different things. However, there are some general guidelines that pretty much cover any relationship, and talking about them can help keep things going on the right track.

Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about their problems until they’re already feeling the urge to walk away. This is so sad, because – at that point – it’s almost always too late. The good news is that, by simply talking about these standard expectations with your partner, you can set yourself up for happiness that may have been lacking from your previous relationships – and, you’ll fall into the habits that make good relationships great.

Curious to know what those general guidelines are? Whether you’re trying to maintain a happy relationship, or trying to help fix a troubled one, these 17 things are the biggest keys to your partner’s happiness with her. How many are you letting slip through the cracks?

1. Compliment her.

I know, I know. We’ve all got self-confidence, and self-confidence implies that you don’t need another person’s input to let you know your value. Still, you should compliment your girlfriend. Like, a lot. She deserves to hear that she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind.

2. Hang out with “couple friends”.

When we get into a relationship, we have a tendency to neglect our single friends. While we should make sure we’re not cutting them out of our lives (unless there’s a valid reason to do so), you’ll also want to hang out with other couples to do “couple things”. Double dates can be fun, and sometimes you can even get group discounts – score!

3. Remind her you care about her.

Most people want to feel cared about and appreciated in their relationships. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but trust me – those people need to be appreciated and cared about it, maybe even more than the rest of us. Remind your girlfriend how much she means to you, and she’s more likely to stick it out through your other mistakes. (Just remember, a good portion of “caring about her” is that you actually have to try to learn from your mistakes.)

4. Keep her secrets.

If I were to ask you if you respect your partner’s rights to privacy, I’m sure you’d say you do. But when’s the last time you talked about a fight you’d had with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend? When’s the last time you told your best friend about your sex life? All of these things are in direct conflict with your girlfriend’s private life staying private – so try to break the habit as soon as possible.

5. Watch romantic movies together.

Believe it or not, there’s actually an emotional benefit to watching those sappy, cheesy romantic movies. (Okay, maybe not the totally cheesy ones, but definitely the ones that sound interesting to you.) Then, after you’ve finished watching the movie, talk about what you watched! Did the relationship on screen make you think of your relationship, or of one you’d like to have? Why or why not?

6. Learn and grow together.

The happiest couples are the ones that take time to enrich their lives, both together and separately. Enroll in a cooking class, or take a trip out of town. Learning new things and having new experiences are paramount to a happy life, so why wouldn’t you want to share those things with your partner?

7. Talk about your day.

It might seem silly to talk about your day with your partner, especially if you already live together. But happy relationships thrive on both presence and storytelling, so your ability to relay the highs and lows of your day will bring you and your partner closer together. She wants to know what’s going on, but you’ll have to find the way that works best for the two of you.

8. Talk about the hard or embarrassing things, too.

Often, we feel tempted to leave out the things that we don’t want to talk about. Chances are pretty good that these are the real things your partner wants to know about, though – and your ability to discuss them will bring you even closer than all the small talk in the world ever could.

9. Focus on how we feel, as opposed to what she did (or didn’t do).

When we talk about problems in our relationship, it’s easier to lay the blame on someone else. But when you focus on what your partner did wrong, instead of how it made you feel, you’re setting yourself up for confrontation. Try phrasing your complaints as “I feel ____ because ____” and give your partner permission to respond the same way. This puts your emotions front and center, which makes it easier to keep them within your control.

10. Have fun with each other.

Couples who play around together are generally happier – but the type of play you do is up to you and your girlfriend. Some choose to play video games, others choose to play sports, and others like to get it all out with a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever works for you is the perfect play for you and your girlfriend – but first, you’ve got to discuss what it is.

11. Cook for each other, and with each other.

There’s something special about a home-cooked meal that will always be greater than going out to eat. However, most people don’t like feeling obligated to cook – so make sure you’re both giving it a go. Don’t just cook for her, either – every so often, make a date out of cooking dinner! Even if the recipe turns out terrible, at least you got to have fun in the process.

12. Encourage her.

It’s really easy to be a critic. We often criticize without even thinking, because people ought to know better than to take things personally. But she’s not “just being sensitive” if she’s upset by those criticisms – she needs to be encouraged, too. If all you do is put her down, even with the best of intentions, she’s not going to feel cared about and appreciated (and we already went over how important that is).

13. Compromise (without sacrificing).

Compromise is a particularly tricky area for most people. It’s hard to find the right balance between forcing our own way, versus giving up our autonomy completely. But if you want your relationship to last the long game, you’ll need to negotiate so that neither of you feels taken advantage of.

14. Cuddle with each other.

Even if you’re “not really a cuddler” (read: me, pre-2013), there are numerous psychological benefits attributed to cuddling with someone you care about. It boosts your overall mood, stimulates the production of oxytocin, and shows your partner you’re in it for the long haul. Aww.

15. Message her when you’re apart.

When you live with your partner, it can be really easy to dismiss that thing you wanted to tell her because you’ll see her in a few hours (or days) anyway. But why do we stop ourselves from sending those sweet “I was thinking about you” messages? They show her that she’s on your mind, even when she’s not in plain sight, and that’s something special.

16. Get fit together.

Most people could stand to get a little more exercise, but that same portion of people don’t really enjoy exercising. By drafting each other as your primary workout buddies, you increase your chances of following through with your goals – because you’ll both be actively engaged towards the same target, and can keep each other accountable. It might even make your workouts a little more fun!

17. Define yourselves (and your boundaries).

Finally, one of the things that can degrade a relationship over time is having too much closeness. I know, I’ve just spent the last however-long telling you about more things you need to do with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. You need to establish who you are separately, and define the things you’re uncomfortable with, separate from your partner – otherwise you’ll never truly understand how you work together.

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13 Things You Could Ask A Bisexual (But Please Don’t)

For a while in high school, I identified as bisexual. During that time, I made a lot of bisexual friends, and even though I eventually realized that I wasn’t into guys at all, they were generally pretty accepting of the path I took. Right away, I understood that those bisexual friends of mine faced a lot of the same issues that I did, as a newly-out (but “straight-passing”) lesbian. I still have a lot of my bisexual (and pansexual) friends, and the questions they face every day sort of amaze me.

In some ways, these questions are a lot like the ones I’ve had to deal with myself. (Yeah, just like bisexuals have to deal with perverts and creeps, us “straight-passing” lesbians have to deal with people changing our identities, too. Why does everyone want to paint me as a bisexual, and my bi friends as lesbians? I really don’t get it.)

Anyway, without any further ado, here are the top 13 things that bisexuals wish you’d stop asking them.

“Are bisexuals even real?”

Uh… Yeah, they’re real. Just the fact that you know someone who identifies as bisexual should be enough to prove it to you – never mind the fact that a lot of freaking people identify as bisexual.

“So when are you going to choose whether you’re gay or straight?”

It’s not a choice.
“Gay” and “straight” are not the only options.
You’re an asshole.

“Aren’t you just being greedy?”

Um, not really. In fact, there are so many people out there who refuse to date bisexuals. Being bisexual isn’t about being greedy, especially when just coming out to a partner could make them change their mind about you entirely.

“Do you have a lot of threesomes?”

Maybe she does, and maybe she doesn’t. Either way, it’s none of your business – otherwise, you’d already know.

“Are you sure you’re not just confused?”

Fun fact: Most women who consider themselves confused don’t come out as bisexual. They come out as bi-curious. Which is, of course, similar – but at the same time, so very, very different.

“Are you experimenting then?”

Go right on ahead and combine those last two answers, and you’ll come pretty close to the sentiment here.

“Does this mean you’ll eventually be fully gay?”

What even is “fully gay” anyway? I don’t think anything is totally absolute like that. But maybe she will eventually identify as a lesbian. That doesn’t mean she isn’t bisexual now.

“But you’re dating a man, so doesn’t that mean you’re straight now?”

Being in a straight relationship doesn’t make one straight. Just like wearing “boy shorts” as underwear doesn’t make you a little boy. Sometimes, the labels we put on things aren’t so much for definition as they are for identification.

“If you date a woman, will that make you a lesbian?”

Well, no. Not unless she decides that’s what it means. Otherwise, she’s still bisexual.

“Do you just want to have sex with everyone you meet?”

Probably not. And if she does want to have sex with everyone she meets, you’ll know about it eventually. No need to ask and make things awkward.

“Aren’t bisexuals more likely to cheat?”

No. Cheaters are more likely to cheat. Bisexuals are just more likely to be bisexual.

“So, are you more gay or more straight?”

While it’s true that most bisexuals do have a preference, one way or the other, the idea that you can be “more” or “less” gay is sort of ridiculous. I mean, I get it – the spectrum is weird. But it’s weird for your friend, too, so let’s not try to overanalyze it.

“Isn’t it called ‘pansexual’ now?”

Not exactly. While pansexuals and bisexuals have some things in common, generally pansexuals see love as separate from gender, while bisexuals identify that they have attractions to both binary genders. Of course, if your friend would prefer to be called pansexual, you should respect that – they’re not the same thing!

7 Reasons You Keep Dating The Wrong Women

For a really long time, I thought it was strange that I didn’t have “a type”. Everyone I knew had a type, and they were adamant about what traits their boyfriends and girlfriends had to have in order to catch their attention.

Then there was me – significantly less picky, and open to whatever new experiences were thrown my way. I had some pretty rough break-ups, sure, but each one of them was a learning experience in its own right. (Even if I didn’t really want to learn the lesson at hand.)

Meanwhile, my friends kept ending up with people who were basically the same. They ran into the same type of relationship problems with every relationship, it seemed, and even though they were happy on average, their relationship troubles took a toll on them. It took them ages to move on from those failed relationships, and then they’d be right back in the same place a few months later.

What were they doing wrong – and how can you avoid falling into the same traps?

1. They only dated within their “type”.

Okay, so maybe my lack of a type was working in my favor here. When you limit yourself to a specific “type”, you’re limiting your overall options, and completely ignoring the fact that you might be totally wrong. Since the vast majority of lasting relationships come from unexpected connections, falling in love is a lot easier if you don’t have a type.

2. Their “type” was just like them.

It’s easy to date someone you have a lot in common with. It’s easier to be happy in those relationships. They’re comfortable right off the bat, because it feels like you’re dating an extension of yourself. But over time, having too much in common with someone can be really, really boring. You can’t teach each other anything, because you already know all the same things. Yikes.

3. Their “type” was nothing like them.

As bad as it is to date someone exactly like yourself, it’s also not a good idea to date someone who’s completely different from you. We’re naturally attracted to people who are/have/can do things we aren’t/don’t/can’t, but that attraction is only temporary. It doesn’t take long at all before your brain is telling you how annoying, immature, or stressful that person is, because you have no common ground.

4. Their “type” consisted of physical characteristics.

I think when we’re younger, it’s easier to find the appeal of someone who’s highly attractive on a physical level. In fact, that might be the thing that initially catches your attention. But designing a perfect partner who looks exactly like an image in your head is a disaster – it’s far too specific, and that person probably doesn’t even exist.

5. They didn’t know their core values.

It seems like understanding your core values would be entirely separate from your love life, but in all reality, they’re pretty close. If you don’t know who you really are, you don’t know what you really want – you just know what you think you want. (And, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re probably wrong.)

6. They weren’t looking for a girlfriend.

Instead, they were looking for a wife or a fling or a friendship that might blossom into something more.

Looking for a wifey-type puts the wrong emphasis on the relationship, because you’re more likely to form a bond with someone without actually getting to know them better first. Then, once it falls apart, it’s devastating – and you don’t really even know why.

When you look for a fling, you’re being too noncommittal, and you’re often unwilling to take the steps to get to know each other.

Those who look for the “special friendship” might have a better shot than the others, but it often requires setting false expectations and a dishonest approach – both of which are better to avoid.

7. They weren’t learning anything.

One of the most important things you can gain from a breakup is a new perspective on life, and on yourself. When you process the issues that came up during your breakup, you’re finding a more effective way to protect your heart from future players and jerks – without pre-emptively placing your future boo in a box.

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18 Signs You’re In A Healthy Sexual Relationship

Are you and your girlfriend sexually compatible?

I know there might be a lot of debate on this topic, since no two people really have the same sexual needs and desires. There might be some overlap, but your specific interests are bound to differ. That’s just how things work.

But just because you and your partner don’t want the exact same things, doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have a healthy sex life. After all, compatibility is a lot more about compromising than it is about agreeing.

If you happen to notice these 18 things in your relationship(s), though, congratulations – you guys are doing it right.

1. Spending a few nights apart doesn’t mean your sex life is on pause.

Not when you’ve got dirty talking, naughty e-mails, and phone sex to hold you over. You two are comfortable enough with each other that you can talk each other through to an orgasm without the need to be face to face.

2. You know how to fix those boring spells.

I know, I know – no one wants to admit that their sex life gets a bit stale sometimes. But it does. For everyone. You know that doesn’t mean it’s over, though, and you quickly find a way to bring the spark back in – even if that just means opening the curtains while you’re getting busy.

3. You’re adventurous in life, too.

The two of you enjoy spending time together and sharing new experiences. You know that the more exciting your life outside of the bedroom is, the closer and more passionate you can be inside the bedroom. After all, sex is such a small part of our lives – why give it more credit than it deserves?

4. You have sex with the lights on, too.

Sure, not every time. But who can really be bothered to shut the lights off every single time? It’s much simpler for you two to just leave them on and follow your passions wherever they may go.

5. You tell her when you touch yourself.

Not only that, but you tell her how, and what you were thinking of when you did it (because, most likely, you were thinking of her anyway). You don’t share those stories with anyone else, because they’re sacred.

6. You talk about your past sexual experiences.

The two of you sit down and talk about the things you’ve done together in the past, and compare notes about what was most satisfying to whom. You love sharing your favorites, and you know they increase the chances of a repeat occurrence.

7. You make sure she’s satisfied.

You know that orgasming every time isn’t very likely, but you do check in periodically to make sure that your partner is satisfied, overall. You’d never judge each other for what is said during these talks, either.

8. You occasionally take one for the team.

Even if you’re not in the mood, you offer to pleasure your girlfriend instead. After all, giving her pleasure makes you happy – even if you’re not really feeling it. (But, of course, you’ve got to do it with enthusiasm, or it doesn’t count.)

9. You check out other people together.

You’re not threatened by who your partner looks at, and she’s not threatened by who you look at, because you both know where you’re going in the end. You can look all you want to, as long as you don’t touch (without asking).

10. You aren’t worried about her exes.

You know that what you have now is stronger than what they have now – and it doesn’t matter what they used to be. You are more current, and besides – you’re not in competition with this other woman. You know what you bring to the table and you’re confident you’ll keep bringing it.

11. You aren’t worried about her friends.

You’re not going to waste your time telling her she “can’t” be friends with certain people, unless they’re genuinely bad for her. You don’t care if they think she’s attractive because of course she is, but you know she’s not going to fall for their flattery.

12. If you do slip up and act jealous, your partner is flattered.

Hey, not all jealousy is based in insecurity, and your partner knows that it’s a good thing you got concerned. That means that you care about her and the instinct to protect your bond kicked in. Afterwards, she reassures you that you have nothing to worry about, and you two can laugh it off.

13. She brings you feelings of comfort.

When you watch a scary movie together, or you hear a creepy noise at night (anyone else live out on the countryside, or just me?), you reach for her, because she makes you feel safe. Even if she’s not exactly your knight in shining armor, she’s always there for you, and you trust her.

14. You can watch dirty movies together.

Whether you shot them yourselves or you rented them from the back room at the adult store, you can watch those movies together and picture each other in the positions on the screen. (And, of course, you know you’ll be trying those out later.)

15. You aren’t worried about how you look for sex.

You’re well aware that you’re not always a ten, but that doesn’t matter, because your partner likes having sex with you anyway. Whether you’re in a sexy costume or just sweat pants, your partner thinks you look incredible. (Besides, those clothes are about to come off anyway.)

16. You have pet names for each other in the bedroom.

Some people opt for the cutesy nicknames. Others like the hardcore humiliation names associated with bondage culture. Yet more people fall somewhere in between the two, with their own secret sex lingo. Maybe you’ve even come up with code words for your sexual activities that literally no one else understands. It doesn’t matter, though – it’s your own secret love language.

17. You’ve tried out some really weird positions.

In the spirit of expanding your horizons, you two have tried out some strange positions – either ones you read about here, or ones you tried to figure out from a porn, or maybe even something you made up yourself. Either way, your sex life isn’t complete until you’ve had one utterly failed sexual experiment – trust me.

18. You don’t mind the occasional fight.

You won’t run away from your problems, because what you have is too important to throw away. Maybe you even look forward to the fighting, because you know that there’s a solution right around the corner. No matter which it is for you, you know that make-up sex is basically the best thing ever, and it’s all yours just as soon as you work this out.

6 Simple Steps To Coming Out Later In Life

Coming out of the closet usually isn’t a one-step process; it takes a lot of self-discovery and planning to make sure everything goes smoothly. Of course, there’s never a guarantee that things are going to go smoothly, but women who come out later in life seem to have even more apprehensions.

It’s never easy to be the “late bloomer”. Humans are competitive by nature, so when someone else is seen further ahead of us, we become frustrated, and sometimes even depressed. When everyone else in our age group has already done the things we want to do, we start to feel like children (and that’s never fun). Truthfully, though, when it comes to coming out of the closet… You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. The process has already been well defined by every brave woman who’s gone before you.

Find your support group first.

I’m not necessarily talking about a therapy support group (although that might be the tribe for you). I’m just talking about a group of people who support you, and who you already know have favorable opinions of the queer community (or, at least their opinions aren’t negative). Ideally, at least a few of those people should be in the LGBT community, too – that way, you can benefit from their experiences and their advice.

Your support group is going to be filled with the people who it would be easy to come out to. In time, as you come out to people, you’ll get more people in your support group. This is a good thing. Make sure you don’t shut yourself off from your local LGBT community – you still have a lot to learn from other people who have been in similar situations. You can even practice your “coming out speech” with them, if you’re concerned with that.

Having a support group isn’t going to magically fix everything, but it makes it a lot easier when you have a solid foundation.

Be proud of yourself.

Coming out takes a lot of courage, no matter how old and life-experienced you are when it happens. In fact, in some ways it’s harder the further along in life you are, because people have had more time to form their expectations about you. But your simple act of reading this article shows that you are strong and confident about who you are – and that means so much more than the opinions and expectations of others.

Now, something that’s often hard to hear in life: You have to start before you’re ready. The truth is, you’ll never be ready, and if you keep waiting until you know everything there is to know first… Well, I’m sorry to say, but you never will know everything. It’s impossible.

Your journey has just begun, but that’s the hardest part.

Take things at a pace that works for you.

If you want to take things slow, take things slow. No one “needs” to know what you have to tell them, even if they think they “deserve” to know. You’re going to learn as you go. There really isn’t a definitive “how-to” guide out there because there are so many right ways to do things. There is no one-size-fits-all plan and no one really knows what they’re doing until after they’ve done it.

Likewise, though, if you want to take things quickly, take things quickly! Your confidence and courage is inspiring, and you shouldn’t let anyone else dull that fire. You aren’t coming out to make other people more at ease, so in all honesty it doesn’t really matter if you being gay makes them uncomfortable. We come out to put ourselves at ease and make ourselves more comfortable.

This is your journey, not theirs.

Be prepared for some uncomfortable conversations.

For some unknown reason, when someone comes out, other people see it as an open invitation to ask intrusive questions. Some people will even make off-handed remarks that can be really surprising, if you’ve never discussed those topics before. You can’t always predict who’s going to be an ally and who’s going to be a homophobe, but please try to judge whether or not it would be unsafe for you to come out before you do.

I strongly encourage you to practice some responses to the most common questions, like these thirteen or these ten things. However, it’s also important to realize that you don’t owe anyone an answer simply because they asked. You’re in charge of what information they know about you. (Oh, and try not to take the questions too personally – they’re usually coming from a harmless, ignorant place.)

When the questions start to dig too deep, a polite reminder about personal boundaries may be necessary.

You get to decide your boundaries.

You are not required to indulge in conversation with bigots – even if those bigots are related to you. When people start asking personal questions or making rude statements, it’s best to disarm them. This is one of the reasons we come out in the first place – so that others can’t use our orientation against us. (I mean, if it’s not a secret, they can’t spill the secret, right?)

If being out at work or around family is risky, it’s completely okay to keep your orientation secret within those groups. We make a big fuss about coming out, but no one has the right to know. You come out for yourself. You don’t have to know all the answers, and neither do they.

No one knows everything about everything, even you.

Don’t take it too seriously.

Lastly, don’t forget that your sexuality is – at most – just a piece of who you are. We’re a bunch of neurotic monkeys trying to act like we’ve got our shit together – and I don’t think I know a single person who stopped learning new things about themselves. Your “new thing” just happens to be that you’re into women – but that doesn’t mean that everything before it was fake. (Unless, of course, it was – but only you can figure that one out.)

For women who come out later in life, it’s hard to start putting your own needs first. You’re so used to taking care of others that you don’t really know how to take care of yourself. It’s my biggest wish for you that you don’t stop at just coming out of the closet – that you use this same type of courage to learn even more about yourself.

This is only the beginning – there is still so much wonder ahead of you.

7 Things You Need to Know About LGBTQ Suicide Risk

Suicide is a hard thing to talk about. There are a lot of conflicting opinions whenever it’s brought up – for many, it’s a deeply sensitive topic, and one that affects everyone in some way. Chances are good that you have either thought about suicide yourself, or you know someone who has. Yet, still, there’s this big stigma around it, and people are afraid to talk about it – mostly because they’re afraid of how other people will react. If it’s not sensitive and supportive, it’s often harsh and triggering.

Now, I don’t like to talk about my own suicidal past, either – partially because of the stigmas, and partially because I’m not that person anymore. But as September is suicide prevention month, and people who have oppressed identities – like the queer community has for so many years – are statistically more likely to think about and attempt suicide than their straight classmates.

I don’t want to get too deep into my story, but I will say that it has been almost 7 years since my last suicide attempt. I’m out of that place now – but the risks of returning there will always be on my mind. What’s even worse, to me, is that there are still so many youths that are still living with this daily struggle weighing on them. These young people are the future of the queer community, and we need to talk about what’s happening.

1. According to the CDC, LGBTQ high school students are at a higher risk for rape, bullying, and suicide.

In one of the saddest CDC reports I’ve ever read (although, admittedly, I’ve only ever read a few), it was stated that sexual abuse, bullying, and suicide risks were much greater within the 9^th-12^th grade LGBTQ community. According to this report, gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school students were at higher risk for 16 violence-related risky behaviors (out of 18 total identified behaviors). LGBTQ students also placed at higher risk for 18 out of 19 alcohol or drug use behaviors, as well as for 11 out of 13 tobacco-use related risk behaviors. LGBTQ students also managed to rank highest in give out of six sexual risk behaviors. This article gives a little more reader-friendly version of the findings.

This means that, across the board, LGBTQ students are very high-risk, and confirms the need for more LGBTQ-youth-oriented programs in local communities. (But we’ll get further into that one in just a few minutes.) Similar studies have been done by the US National Library of Medicine, although they state that any findings are “tentative” because not all people who identified as a “sexual minority” were out to their friends and family members, and as such, the numbers could be higher than the data collected reflects.

2. LGBTQ youth are more likely to be bullied.

91% more likely, in fact – a staggering number for any statistic, let alone one about suicide. They’re also 46% more likely to be physically or sexually victimized than their heterosexual classmates. (And, might I add, this includes LGBTQ youth who has yet to come out – the bullying is not necessarily homophobic in nature.)

Among these categories, trans-identified students are of particular concern. Over half of all transgender and gender-nonconforming students who are bullied for their identity have already attempted suicide, and that number jumps up to 78% for those who have experienced physical or sexual abuse at school.

Of course, there are a whole host of other things that the queer community is more likely to experience – check out this study by The Williams Institute to learn about a few more.

3. Lack of support and acceptance at home increases the risks of suicide.

While bullying outside the home is the type we think of the most, the truth is that having a hostile home environment has just as much of a devastating impact, if not more – after all, at school, there’s a chance to get away, and that’s not usually the case at home. Kids from homophobic families are 8.4 times more likely (that’s 840%, for those of you who don’t like decimals) to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers and peers with supportive home lives.

4. Suicide is the #2 cause of death among people aged 10-24.

Yes, you read that right – suicide is the #2 cause of death among preteens, teenagers, and young adults. Thankfully, these numbers are a little lower in counties and regions that have more support for queer youth. In fact, counties that aren’t safe and supportive spaces for LGBTQ youth, suicide rates are 20% higher than in counties that are safe and supportive.

LGBTQ high schoolers are 4 times more likely (400%) to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.

5. Gay and bisexual men are most likely to attempt suicide before the age of 25.

Across all demographics, gay and bisexual men account for the most suicide attempts, with 20% of gay and bi men having a suicide plan, and 12% attempting suicide within their lives. According to the US National Library of Medicine, most of these men attempted suicide before they turned 25.

6. Gay/Straight Alliances reduce the suicide risk for all students.

What may be a bit more of a shock is the fact that Queer-Straight Alliances (or Gay-Straight Alliances, or whatever they happen to be called in your area) actually reduce the risk of suicidal thoughts, behaviors, and attempts even for heterosexual students. In fact, in schools that had their QSA for over three years, incidents of homophobic bullying and suicidal thoughts were dropped by as much as 50%, across the board.

7. There are places you can go for help.

One of the most important things to remember is that, sometimes, just having someone to be there makes all the difference in the world. Whether you want to help out, or you are in a high-risk situation and just need to talk to someone, you may be able to find resources in your local area to help. In the US and Canada, there are 24-hour crisis call centers to help and you may be able to volunteer to help others, as well.

If you’re in another country and you know of a resource for at-risk and LGBTQ youth, please let us know in the comments. No one should have to feel alone in the world, and there is always someone who cares – you just have to know where to look.

How Growing Up Affects Your Friendships

Friends hold an entirely unique place in the social hierarchy. Unlike our coworkers, our family members, or our classmates, we’re entirely in control of who gets a position. There’s no formal structure for how often you need to talk, or how long you have to know each other first, or anything – they’re entirely subject to choices and circumstances.

Since friendships are entirely voluntary, they’re easy to put on the back burner when other, more important commitments come up. We have to work. We have to spend time with our family. We have to pay attention to our partner. Our friends, on the other hand, will understand if we’re not there. Their circumstances change over time, too, and they know we’re thinking about them.

Quite simply put, we neglect them because we can. And it feels pretty messed up to put it like that.

Friendships are vital to your happiness, according to an overwhelming number of studies.

Like, for example, this study on how to be happy. Or this study on the source of youth happiness. Even this Time article about happiness points to “spending time with friends” as being the key to true happiness. They’re also good for heart health and depression, and although having friends isn’t a cure or an alternative to medical treatment, it can increase your chances of getting through the rough times.

Yet, still, we put them on the back burner.

Our expectations for our friends stay mostly the same.

According to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, all friendships demand the same three key elements. You want your friends to be someone you can talk to, someone you can depend on, and someone whose company you can enjoy. In most cases, “someone you can spend time with” isn’t considered a necessary quantifier. “The expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change.”

Basically, this means that your life is going to change, and your friendships are probably going to change, too, but you’re still going to want the same basic things – no matter where in life you are.

Young adulthood is the best time to form friendships.

Not only are young adults more secure in themselves, but they’ve also got the most time for social interaction, on average (especially for young adults who go to college). There are less responsibilities than there were in high school, and still less than there will be after college. Since they’re finally aware of what their core values may be, they’re more likely to seek out friendships with people who share those values.

Likewise, the relationships get more complex and meaningful, as our friends are there to help us discover those things that matter to us. We’ve stopped trying to impress each other, and instead we’re focused on the person we can be. Statistically speaking, from the age of 20-24 years old, people will spend more time with their friends than at any other point in their lives. Our friends during this time will help us figure out who we really are – a desire that’s only deepened since graduation.

Then, at some point in our 20s, we develop a desire for freedom.

According to Rawlins, we start to develop a dual-edged desire for freedom. We want the freedom to be independent of our friends, our family, and our romantic partners. Yet, at the same time, we want freedom to lean on them when we need to. We move away from the people who mean so much to us, and then we try to keep the relationship alive across the distance (whether that relationship was romantic or platonic).

It may be the first time you live alone, and you need to get a “real job” to help pay for it. You can’t get by with part-time anymore. You tell your good friends about this new opportunity, and you wait for them to bless the opportunity, in a way.

“She’s essentially saying, ‘You’re free to go. Go there, do that, but if you need me I’ll be here for you,’” Rawlins explains. This is what we’re waiting for, every time – that permission to move on with our lives, without any hard feelings. Sometimes, it’s simply implied – we don’t have to ask our best friend for everything. After a while, we stop asking at all.

It gets easier to put off our friends.

In the second half of your 20s, and for a few decades after that, our friendships become a lot less of a priority. Work and family take a priority, and our friendships and personal hobbies start to fade into the background. The largest dropping-off period in your entire life happens right after you get married – isn’t that sad?

We no longer have time to spend with the “optional” people in our lives, because we’re too busy with the things that are “mandatory”. If a friend doesn’t happen to fall within our day-to-day routine, chances are slim that we’ll keep nurturing that friendship. However, our friendships with the other parents at our kids’ school, our coworkers, and that girl you run into at the coffee shop every week stay just a bit stronger, because we get to see these people on a more regular basis.

There are different types of friends.

When it comes to making friends, there are generally three different types of people, says Rawlins. Independent people, by nature, make friends easily throughout their day-to-day lives. They don’t have as many deep connections, but they are able to make a friendly acquaintance anytime they go places. They are usually outgoing.

Discerning people, on the other hand, don’t make friends as easily as independent people – but they form a much stronger bond with the friends they do make. They form long-term friendships that last well into adulthood, and they’d rather keep in touch with those friends than go out of their way to make new ones. Their bond is so strong that, if something were to happen to one of those long-term friendships, their social outlook would be devastated.

Rawlins says that the most flexible type of people are acquisitive. These people are able to keep in touch with their old friends, while also being able to make new friends. They may lean more one way or the other, but they tend to have more friends overall.

There are also different types of friendships, according to Rawlins. He says that a friendship can be defined as either active, dormant, or commemorative. Try to take a look at your personal friends list (not necessarily the one you keep on social media) and see which you can identify:

Active friendships are ones where the parties involved stay in touch regularly. They can offer each other emotional support, as well as asking for it, without things being weird. To some extent, they know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
Dormant friendships are built on history, but they may not have been nurtured in a while. You still consider this person a friend, even though you haven’t spoken to them in a while. If they suddenly called and asked you to meet up, you’d happily accept the offer and catch up as if no time had passed.
Commemorative friendships are merely a representation of a particular time in your life. These friendships are built on nostalgia, but you don’t really expect to talk with each other. If they messaged you out of the blue, things may be weird, because you’re not the same person you were when they were important to you – but you don’t want to let go of the memories, which you feel are attached to the friendship itself.

Social media keeps friendships alive, but only mechanically.

According to Rawlins, those commemorative friendships tend to be the people we add on social media, even though we really don’t care how their life is going. We have our mental image of them, and their social media posts showing that they’re someone else now “dilutes the magic” of their memory.

They’ve changed, and the person they are now is in competition with your mental association with them. Rawlins says that these friendships are best to let go of, because the basis of the friendship has already gone – at this point, you’re really just keeping tabs on one another.

For the dormant friendships, it lets us “be there for each other” without actually being there. We feel as if we’re just a few clicks away, and at a moment’s notice, we can exchange a few stories and build our relationships. Friendships based on storytelling aren’t necessarily bad, either – but they are a different type of friendship than those built on shared experiences.

Social media lets us distribute our attention evenly to all three types of friendships, as we interact with each other. Suddenly, the girl you took 7^th grade Spanish class with, your ex-girlfriend, and your lifelong BFF all get the same amount of attention, and the same amount of insight into your life.

Since we’re “broadcasting” and “interacting”, instead of “sharing” and “listening,” it’s hard to maintain a satisfying relationship with just an online presence. We resist the human urge to get to know each other better, because we feel that everything we need to know is laid out right in front of us. We start to let go.

We stop relying on each other so much.

As time goes on, your longer-term friendships don’t need as much nurturing, because they’re already well-developed. We don’t need our friends as much, because we have other people in our lives who fill the voids. We have relaxed expectations from our friends, because we know that they’re still there for us, no matter what. The relationship takes a new turn as it becomes deeper than it was before.

Almost like magic, our friendships are now based on mutual understanding and agreement. You know that you’re there for each other in every way you can be – you don’t feel the need to say it. Your time spent together is great, but it’s more important to find a way to be there for each other that works for you.

(And, thankfully, it all balances out in the end. The friendships that last until you’re in retirement will be rewarded with all sorts of new time to spend together – and so many stories to catch up on!)