I am a bit of an obsessive planner. Maybe it’s my anxiety, or my gifted-and-talented upbringing (not that I feel particularly gifted or talented now that I’m an adult). But the fact remains – I plan things. Sometimes I plan things for other people, whether asked to or not. The future is my greatest accomplishment, in a way – I’ve got a five-year plan that’s bigger than anything I’ve ever done.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is not so sure of her future. She’s changed her career goals a few times in the just-over-two-years we’ve been together, and that’s OK. It would drive me crazy if her plans interfered with mine, but since she’s pretty flexible about what I want to do (and she actually appreciates my obsessiveness), it works out just fine most of the time.

That’s not to say it’s always easy – there are days when she absolutely drives me up the wall with her indecision, and when she wants to change plans at the last minute when I need at least three business days to process these changes… Well, it sort of throws a wrench in the gears.

Plans are safe. They help to shape what we really want, and make sure we’re on track to get it.

Not planning is safe in its own way – if you don’t have expectations, you can’t have disappointments, right?

Believe it or not, a planner and a non-planner actually work out pretty well together, once you iron out the little kinks. The planner might have to learn a little spontaneity, and the non-planner might have to learn a little structure, but if the relationship is right, you can make that work… Right?

For the planner:

1. Embrace the fact that you are not always going to be in control.

This one’s pretty hard for me sometimes. I swear, I’m not an obsessive control freak, but when I plan out my whole week and something goes wrong, it stresses me out. By dating someone who doesn’t have the same level of control as we do, we learn that it’s not always a crisis to not know where you’re going. Metaphorically speaking – planners hate getting physically lost.

2. Try not to focus on the little details so much.

When a planner is dating a non-planner, it can be difficult to spare ourselves from the finer points of our plans. But, really, as long as we’re still following the right path, it doesn’t matter much if we fall a few steps behind – learn to relax, because your partner is going to mess up your plans sometimes.

3. Learn to be grateful for surprises.

This one is really, really hard for me. Thankfully, my partner isn’t good at keeping secrets, so she doesn’t surprise me too often. But I know it’s crushing when she plans the perfect surprise, and I just get upset about it not being what I had in mind. If you’re dating a non-planner, you need to realize that her surprising you took a lot of planning, and just because you didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean she didn’t.

4. Relax!

This is another tough one. Sometimes, things aren’t going to go according to plan. This is especially true if your partner isn’t a planner, and she doesn’t let you stay in charge all the time. Trust me, she’s doing you a favor when she ruins your plans, as long as she’s not ruining the big ones. Thank her, and use that stress as an excuse to cuddle, instead of getting your panties in a bunch. (Note to self: Follow this advice better.)

5. Throw away your plans every now and then.

If you’re the type of person to over-plan (I’ve got several paper planners, two wall calendars in my room, a horde of sticky notes and highlighters for color coding things…), your partner will thank you if you make things a little more lenient. Even if it’s as simple as giving yourself extra time for things, this extra time can be used for spontaneity. (And it’s actually OK to plan a time to be spontaneous – as long as you’re not planning your actions while you’re supposed to be spontaneous.)

6. “Obsessive” and “impulsive” are not the only two options – remember that.

Sometimes we fall victim to the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. This might be especially true for those of us with anxiety, but I haven’t actually looked into this from a psychological standpoint. Rest assured, just because she doesn’t have a plan as solid as yours does not automatically mean she doesn’t have a plan at all.

7. Give yourself permission to fall short sometimes.

Even if you’re planning “extra time”, things come up sometimes. In a relationship, it is literally impossible to plan for everything your partner is going to do. Don’t make it all about you – your partner is allowed to mess things up sometimes. Even if this impacts you, it’s not always a “failure”. If plans always went the way they were supposed to, everyone would be a millionaire. Trust that.

For the non-planner:

1. Let your partner take the reins sometimes – or most of the time, if you can.

I’m definitely not saying you should let her control your life. But if she has a plan, and there aren’t any good reasons to not let her take charge, what does it really hurt? If you have a genuine opposition to her plan, feel free to speak up – planners are good at reasoning, and she will take your thoughts into consideration.

2. Trust that she has a good reason for her plans.

Even if you don’t exactly agree with her plan, the fact that she has one means she’s (probably) thought things through. Maybe even obsessively. Chances are, she knows what she’s talking about. (But you probably shouldn’t say “I told you so” if it turns out she doesn’t.)

3. Try to think about your future, too.

Chances are, your partner has thought about your future already, and she might even be worried that the lack of a long-term plan means she’s not in it. At a minimum, you should try to think about the future as it pertains to her – but she’d feel better if you have a general idea about your own path, too.

4. Ask for help when you need it.

If your partner is a planner, and she knows you’re not, she’s probably got a “back-up plan” for you already – go ahead and ask her about it! It might be pretty generalized, but that’s a good thing; the two of you can work it out together. She’s good at this type of thing, so remember #1 above – let her take control unless there’s a good reason not to.

5. Don’t expect to become a planner overnight.

Not everyone is meant to be a planner. And even though your obsessive girlfriend might not realize it, that is perfectly OK and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or with her. People are different, and you can satisfy your girlfriend’s need for a tentative outline without changing yourself entirely. Do not change yourself for her. If she inspires you to plan a little more, then plan a little more. Don’t try to change who you are inside.

6. Expect her to be a little more anxious.

From the perspective of the planner, trust me – it can be stressful when your partner doesn’t have a plan. I’ve noticed myself hyperventilating before when my partner oversleeps, or when she changes her own plans at the last minute – even if they don’t actually have anything to do with me. Even if it seems like she’s mad at you, really she’s mad at herself for not anticipating a change of plans. (Sounds dumb, but it’s true.)

7. Reassure her when necessary.

Just because she should know that you’re not going to follow all of her plans doesn’t mean she actually remembers that when the time comes. You might need to remind her sometimes that one “failure” isn’t actually a failure. Let her know that, even though you can’t see the future, you want her to be in it.

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