Hi there, I’m looking for advice. I don’t get out much and I’m what some might say, a femme bi-sexual.
My question is, on-sight how can you tell if another woman will respond well to flirtation?
Hi reader! I’m glad you wrote in – even though I don’t exactly have an answer for you. You see, you can’t really tell anything about anyone just by looking at them, except maybe the color of their skin and the type of clothes they like. (And even still, there are some situations where that might not be true, either.)
I’m not sure if you’re asking about gaydar – which is not a real thing – or interest, but either way, the only way to tell how someone will respond to your flirtation is to actually flirt with her. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, so let me elaborate a little.
The idea that you can tell if a woman is gay or straight (or bi) just by looking at her is completely ridiculous. Take me, for example – I’ve heard frequently, even by other lesbians, that I don’t “look gay”. Even if I’m decked head to toe in rainbows, or camouflage, or plaid, or whatever the pattern-du-jour of the lesbian community is. On the other hand, I’ve had girlfriend who did “look gay” – hair style, mannerisms, etc. – who was actually bisexual. This is arguably a small difference, but the point still remains: You don’t know. The only thing you have to go off here is stereotypes, and we all know that stereotypes aren’t really helpful for anyone.
OK, now let’s pretend you know that the woman is interested in other women, based on something other than stereotypes. How can you tell if she’s interested in you? You ask. Pure and simple.
Once upon a time, it was believed that butch women only dated femme women, femme women only dated butch women, and bisexual women only dated straight men and other bisexual women. This, of course, is completely based on stereotypes, too. I’ve known studs who only dated other studs. I’ve known femmes who only dated bisexual women. I’ve known bisexual women who only dated straight men and lesbians. If you based your findings on stereotypes, all of these women would have been “wrong”. And there’s nothing wrong with dating people you are attracted to.
The good news, there are ways to flirt that aren’t likely to be seen as disrespectful to someone who isn’t interested. You should, of course, try to be respectful anyway, even if you’re not trying to date a person, but not everyone is there yet. You should aim to keep your flirting complimentary and not creepy.
If your flirting style is a bit more sexual, however, there are only two likely possibilities: The woman will respond well, which is what you want, or she will be creeped out and/or offended – not what you want. I’ve never understood how anyone can start off with sexual flirtation, because honestly I am the type of person to block that type of communication unless there’s already a connection there.
You seem a bit on the shy side, though, so I’m going to assume that you mean to flirt respectfully. This is good, and I think our society is open-minded enough to see the difference between flattering flirting and sexualization. Take care to not sexualize strangers – after all, they haven’t consented to this treatment, and you have no right to make someone uncomfortable.