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A Comprehensive Guide to Being Single At A Lesbian Bar

Wondering what you might be doing wrong?
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If you’re lucky enough to have a good lesbian bar in your area (or any lesbian bar, really), you’ll probably know that it’s pretty hit or miss. When you’re single, it seems like the entire scene is your oyster, so to speak. When you’re in a relationship (or just recently got out of one, and haven’t quite healed yet) it can seem like the last place on the planet you’ll want to hang out.

That’s probably because most of the (single) lesbians there are going to treat it like a free-for-all, and if you’re not looking to get picked up, well… That’s probably not going to stop anyone from trying.

It’s not all bad, though. In general, bars are meant for the single crowd, and while there’s no sign on the door that says “Couples Need Not Enter”, it’s fairly common knowledge that you don’t really go to the bar without your girlfriend unless you don’t have one – or unless you want another one. (As a side note, I don’t really recommend that second option unless your partner is totally cool with you having some side action – yes, you should definitely ask before you try it.)

Now, let’s talk to just the single women for a minute. Here are seven things that you may be forgetting when you go out looking for a girlfriend at the bar.


1. Not everyone at the bar wants to be hit on.

If you’re one of those weirdos (like myself) who go to the bar to find new friends, you’re in good company, statistically speaking. But if you are looking for someone to go home with you, you need to be respectful if someone shuts you down. Not everyone there is trying to get some. As long as you remember that, you should be relatively fine.


2. Don’t try to pick up on the drunk girls.

Many women use alcohol to (willingly) lower their inhibitions, but picking up on the woman who can’t even walk a straight line is entirely unethical, and probably not something she’d want if she was sober. Even if she’s voluntarily there for sex, once she’s drunk, that should be off the table. She won’t be able to enjoy it, she won’t be able to return the favor, and she might not even be able to remember in the morning. Don’t be that person.


3. Bathroom (or parking lot) sex is frowned upon.

Most of the time, public sex is a crime. I’m not saying that it never happens, or that I haven’t participated in it – but the restrooms are there for using the bathroom. Having sex in the bathroom stall is pretty rude to the other bar customers, especially if there are only a few stalls. When it comes to sex in your car, well… That’s a bit of a grey area… But you will be setting yourself up for embarrassing pictures to be taken of you by other bar patrons!


4. Don’t buy drinks for the designated driver.

This one should be pretty obvious, but… If someone is sipping on water or soda, chances are, it’s probably not because they’re cheap – it’s probably because they aren’t drinking. There are exceptions, of course, but most people go to the bar knowing full well that it’s going to be expensive to drink – very few women will go to the bar just hoping that they’ll get free drinks from someone else.


5. Accepting your drinks does not mean she has to accept your advances.

As someone who has been bought drinks by men at bars who I (wrongly) assumed were gay, and then had them make a pass at me… This one hits pretty close to home. Any implied meaning to her drinking that martini you just sent her way is not guaranteed and should not be treated as such. If you want to avoid this type of confusion, the answer is simple: Don’t buy drinks for women in bars. She is under no obligation to “repay” you for something you offered. (Although, if she specifically asks you to buy her a drink, and she’s not into you, it is a bit rude – but still doesn’t give you the right to make demands.)


6. Pick-up lines don’t usually work.

If you’ve spent the last few days searching for the perfect lines to use on your next outing, congratulations – but you should probably just throw them away. Most women won’t accept a pick-up line, especially if it’s one they’ve heard a million times… And, most likely, if you found it on the internet… She’s heard it. Save your time and speak from the heart, instead of from the script you came up with ahead of time.


7. Don’t worry so much about it.

Honestly, if you don’t successfully pick up someone at the bar, it’s really not the end of the world. (I promise.) Even if it seems like you’ve had a bad night if you go home alone, it’s really more important that you have a good time – so make sure you’re enjoying yourself, before anything else. The right woman will come around when she’s ready, and she’s probably not going to be drunk when it happens. (Stranger things have happened, though!)

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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