I often describe myself as a bit “flighty”. I don’t like to stay in the same place too long, or the same situation, or the same career path. In fact, there are only two jobs that I’ve worked at so far that I stayed at for longer than a year – one of which I stayed at for almost four. (Hey, I’m 25 – four years at the same job is pretty impressive.)
The things that work best for me are the things that let me be free to change my mind – to mix up my scenery, and still stay grounded enough to come back. My longest job was for a photography company that traveled all over – I got to see so many beautiful places and meet so many interesting people. The longest I ever lived in one place is when I was traveling twice per month. And my longest relationship was constantly going through changes – we broke up every few months, but couldn’t stay apart long.
Where some people fear change, I live for it. I want to do everything, experience everything, be everywhere. It’s just a part of who I am.
Sometimes, this has negative consequences on my relationships, both with my friends, or my partner, and even sometimes my family.
When I move out of somewhere (such as out of my parents’ house, or moving in with my girlfriend) – I don’t always talk it out first. I work through everything in my head, and then one day I’m ready to leave.
I mean to talk about it, but I forget.
I’ve left jobs with zero notice. I’ve left girlfriends with zero notice. I’ve even left states with zero notice.
But my current partner is a little more grounded than I am. She moved three hours away from home with me, but I know her heart’s not here. She goes back to visit her family as often as she can. And as much as I thought it would be hard for me, I actually come to look forward to the time she leaves.
I don’t drive, so while she’s gone, she’s gone – I have no way to get to her. We talk on the phone sometimes, but for the most part, I focus on work and she focuses on spending time with her family. Usually after about a week, I start to miss her pretty bad – and by the time she comes back home, I’m caught up on work, she’s not feeling homesick anymore, and we can both dedicate our time to being better together.
Wonder why this works?
You can’t appreciate someone’s presence if you don’t know their absence.
If you spend every minute of every day with someone (or at least the free minutes), they’re going to get on your nerves. There’s no way to avoid it, really – except to not spend so much time with them. It seems like you’d grow away from them in this time, but chances are, you’ll grow closer. While they’re gone you’re going to think of everything they do that you love and completely forget about the things you don’t love. This is the nostalgia effect. When you miss someone, or something, your brain focuses on the positives and temporarily erases the negatives.
When you and your partner spend time apart, whether a day spent with your friends, a week spent at your parents’, or even a month living in different states – you have extra time to think about why you’re with them. You get time to decompress from the things that they do that stress you out (like how my anxiety spikes when my partner oversleeps!) and time to reflect on the things that melt your heart (like how I can’t help but smile when my partner brags about me to her siblings). Sometimes, we just have to take a step back to understand what we want most.
It’s like being single, without being alone.
When you dedicate time to doing your own thing, you are reinforcing the idea of your own independence – which I think is paramount in healthy self-love. I can never understand how someone could wait around for their partner to handle their business without handling their own. An effective relationship is a partnership, and the easiest way to share the work load is to keep the work load separate.
Distance in a relationship gives us the best advantages of being single (having our own independence, being a bed hog without feeling guilty) while still giving us the advantages of being in a relationship, too (we have someone to share our affections with, and we know we can get some action when we see them). This compromise is like a hall-pass, and of course it requires a great deal of trust – but for those who can make it work, it gives a blissful balance between commitment and freedom.
It gives you (at least) two date nights every time you part.
I shut down my office early the night before my partner’s leaving, as well as the day she’s coming back. When she’s going to be gone for a while, I know that I am going to want to spend time with her – so we dedicate an evening to sharing a nice meal, some cozy conversations, and some intense “goodbye” sex. It’s just become part of our routine. Then when she comes back, we have a nice dinner, we talk about her trip, and we have some intense “I missed you” sex. When you’re in a live-in relationship and working from home, it’s easy to forget about doing the romantic thing.
But after she’s been gone for a while, I miss the romance. Instead of bickering that a date means I have to stop working early, I look forward to clocking out and getting back to our routine. And this little routine lasts for a few days on either side of the trip – this renewed sense of romance and passion. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade those few days for a hundred days of average.
It gives you a chance to work through your problems.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I don’t like talking to my partner about what’s wrong with me. I’ll open up about the bigger things, if she asks, but I don’t like rehashing every little thing that goes wrong in my life. The only problem is, I have severe anxiety – and sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I do rehash everything out loud. Thankfully, my partner is extremely supportive when my anxiety gets bad, but I don’t want to trouble her with it. I’d rather work it out on my own.
When we spend time apart, I feel free to pick apart my anxieties and determine how I’m going to move forward. I’m not responsible for anyone else at the time – I don’t have to stress about whether she’s waking up for school, I don’t have to worry about what to make for dinner, and I don’t have to remember to balance my time between work and her. I can dedicate myself completely to solving the problems I see in my own life and start to implement a change. In most cases, this change is reflected as a positive habit once she gets back from her trip.
It gives you time to work through your problems with each other.
Remember how I said living together will let a person get under your skin? I’m sure you’ve noticed that – your parents seem a lot smarter now that you’ve moved out of their house, right? We tend to blame these things on the person who’s irritating us, but most of the time, it’s just your brain’s reminder that you need your own space, too. It’s hard to concentrate with someone breathing down your neck – even if it’s all in your head.
When there’s a little more distance in your relationship, you have the time to evaluate which problems are minor irritations that were exaggerated by stress. You have time to assess which of your partner’s needs are not being met by you, and determine how to fix the problem. And you have time to decide which of your needs aren’t being met, and plan a way to communicate the issue. Time apart teaches you to pick your battles, and it even helps you pick the right ones, too.
