Sex and romance have a complicated relationship. On the one hand, they seem deeply interconnected. A desire to have sex with someone may mean that you love them, just as, when you love someone, you may want to have sex with them. Realistically, that’s as connected as they actually are, though. Sometimes things just don’t add up the way we want them to.
For most women, sex isn’t necessarily the deciding factor in their relationships. It can definitely be a tie-breaker, so to speak. A woman whose partner is average, for example, might allow the scales to tip towards breaking up if her partner isn’t good in bed.
Generally speaking, unless the relationship is built primarily on the idea of sex, I choose to put a pretty low priority on sex. (And, if the relationship is built on sex, that means the sex is pretty good.) Understandably, some of my partners who have had higher sex drives than I do have been less than thrilled about it. The ones who had lower sex drives than I did seemed to like that I kept the pressure at bay. Really, your personal experience will revolve around a number of factors. The following should provide a pretty strong idea of which situations are worth working through.
If she’s inexperienced – no.
One of the great things about sex is that you get better with practice. (Usually.) If your girlfriend is willing to put forth the effort to learn how to be better, it’s usually worth giving her a chance to show it. Most women who have made the decision to have sex at this point in their life are willing to take on the challenge. This can be especially true if it means their partner is more satisfied.
By communicating with your partner while you two are being intimate, you can help “coach” her to do better. It might seem like a lot of work, but if she’s willing and eager to learn, it’s generally not that hard to pick up on. Tell her some of the things you do that seem to get her motor running, and advise her to try them with you!
If you have different sex drives – maybe.
While sexual compatibility shouldn’t be the only factor in a healthy romantic relationship, it is a factor. Sometimes, it might just be a matter of compromising. When one of you wants sex once per week, and the other wants sex daily, you can try for around 2-3 times a week to help “split the difference”. In most situations, this will be difficult, but not impossible. Both partners are equally responsible for making it work.
However, when sex drives are very different, it might not be possible to find a compromise. Sometimes one partner has a very high demand for sex and the other simply cannot meet those demands. The one who wants it less should not be pressured into having sex more often. But the one who wants it more might not find it fair that she should have to go without. In these cases, it may be necessary for the two of you to see other people.
Some difficulties arising from a difference in sex drive can be solved with an open relationship. If the two of you are both willing to pursue that type of a relationship, it can be quite fulfilling. Not everyone can handle the idea, so keep this in mind when you bring it up. There are inherent risks of jealousy and insecurities. There are even potentially even more serious risks, such as STDs, or unplanned pregnancies if there is man involved. This will probably not be a brief conversation, so make sure you go into it prepared!
If she’s simply selfish – yes.
If your partner refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem with your sex life, the sex is not going to get better. It is literally impossible for a relationship to be fixed solely by a single party. If any of your arguments, disagreements, or anything are met with an unwillingness to cooperate… Walk away.
Sexual selfishness and romantic selfishness are not always interconnected, but an inability to compromise is a sign of narcissism. Many narcissistic individuals are able to overcome the manifestations through counseling. But if she’s not ready to make the effort, the relationship will never make either of you happy.
Keep in mind that there’s no guarantee that she won’t improve in the future. We strongly believe that it is possible that people can learn the error of their ways and make positive changes in their life. But they must make those decisions on their own. If she approaches you in the future, and it seems that she has handled her narcissistic behavior (or at least she’s trying), you may be able to start over. Just keep your expectations fair and your guard up. Someone doesn’t change because you want them to. You should know that her changes may have been superficial.
When in doubt, talk it out.
There are very few relationship problems that you can’t handle with an honest conversation. The talk you have with your partner should be far more important than anything I’ll be able to tell you. Plus, you will be able to judge her nonverbal communication in response to your concerns.
Use your best judgment, and think of your own long-term plans – how important is it that she be in them?
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