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First Time With A Girl, Any Advice?

Looking forward to your first sexual experience with another woman? Our expert helps to set the mood (so to speak).
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Q: First time with a girl, any advice?

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend and I have been fooling around for a while. And she is really excited about us and the fact that we are going have sex together.

Honestly, I‘m pretty damn nervous. I’m confident about my body but not my performance, as my experience is zero. Aside from that, I’ve only been with a man.

What should I do? Even though I’m by far the passive one, I want her to have a good time too. Any advice for?

Well, this is probably going to come across a little cocky, but… I actually wrote the book on first-time lesbian sex. OK, maybe not the book, but a book all the same. Just in case you don’t want to buy it on Amazon, I’ll sum up the basics for you.

First of all, let me tell you that safer sex is very important – even for lesbians. There’s this myth that lesbians can’t get STDs, but it’s exactly that – a myth. Safer sex for lesbians is a little different than safer sex in a heterosexual relationship, but some of the same general practices apply.

  • Keep everything clean – you can get a yeast infection or a UTI if you don’t. This applies to your hands as well as your vagina!
  • If you’re going to be participating in oral sex, you should be using a dental dam. Even if you are 100% sure that neither you or your partner has an STD, new research shows that oral sex can cause mouth cancer – yikes!
  • You can use condoms with your sex toys – just make sure you change condoms when you switch roles (if you’re using the same toy), and if you go from the anus to the vagina – no exceptions!
  • It’s also a good idea to get tested regularly, just to make sure there’s nothing going on. There are clinics that will provide testing services for cheap or even free, if you qualify. These clinics should not discriminate based on your sexuality.

Next, I’d like to present to you a selection from the “what to expect” portion of my e-book, as I think it’s pretty much the most important thing when having any new sexual experience. A lack of confidence can often be cleared up by simply having an understanding of what it is that you’re going to do:

Think of the things that turn you on. If you have experience with men, you can translate this to women, within some reason. Kiss your partner deeply and touch her body. Don’t try to rush things along too fast; it’s important to make sure you both are deeply aroused before you can progress to other activities.

Once you are both sufficiently aroused, it’s time to start undressing. While your nervousness (and possibly your experience with men) may lead you to believe you should undress yourself, this isn’t necessarily the case – part of the fun in any sexual encounter is the ability to “unwrap” your partner. Give yourself sufficient time to take in the sights. You might even decide that you aren’t attracted to women at this point – that happens sometimes. It’s best not to push it if there’s no attraction whatsoever, even if it means that you two will end up “finishing the job” yourselves.

You may find it helpful to seek out specific articles regarding lesbian sex – although ideally, you will have at least a basic understanding of the mechanics before you pursue those outlets. Your first time shouldn’t be anything spectacular. In fact, it’s likely that you won’t even climax your first time. Believe it or not, this is perfectly fine, as it has opened you up for the possibility of what can happen in the future. No one is an expert right away, and you shouldn’t expect to be.

Of course, I’ve skipped over a lot here – but basically, the best thing to do is experiment. Think of the things you like, and try those. They won’t necessarily work for her, too, but you should be able to tell whether they’re working or not – as a woman, you’re probably more likely to recognize a faked orgasm than a man is. If it looks like the sort of orgasm you see in a porn film, it’s probably fake. (Sorry, not sorry.)

The best thing about all of this is that it’s only going to get better after your first time. The fact that you want to learn already puts you at an advantage over those who think they know it all. The myth that “women automatically know what women want” is a total crap line that’s basically used to try and tempt the bi-curious into taking the plunge. You have to explore your partner’s body in order to figure out what she likes, and it doesn’t always come naturally to everyone. That’s okay. She’ll let you know what she likes.

If you want some specific pointers, I’ve got a collection of sex position articles for you to browse, too. There are quite a few, but here are the ones I think would be best for your limited experience:

These are all pretty easy, even for beginners, and most women will love them. Let her guide you, too – it’s more about what she likes than what someone completely out of the picture says. Sex is a deeply personal thing, after all, and no two women are exactly alike.

Feel free to mix it up, too! Don’t be intimidated by focusing on whether it’s a “real” sex position or not. The truth is, if it turns you on, it’s sex (or at a minimum, it’s foreplay). Don’t worry about getting it right away – it takes some time to get your technique down. Just have fun, be honest, and communicate your desires. Feel free to let us know how it went!

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Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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