Dear KitschMix,

So I work by this coffee shop and there was this hot woman who worked there that I had the hugest crush on. We would always make small talk and she gave me good discounts. Anyways, I started going in everyday and she would sure to keep me in eyesight as she worked. And before I left, she be sure to say goodbye to me.

But me being a huge dork completely missed or brushed off all the signs that she might like me. Even when she told my co-worker I was cute, I just brushed it off.

I thought she was straight for some reason and didn’t want to make things weird. Anyway, one day I go to get my coffee and discover, she’s no longer working there. So me being me, set out to find her on Facebook, to only discover she has a new girlfriend now, and new job on the other side of town.

I feel like I completely screwed myself out of a great girl. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again without looking like a complete weirdo.

Oh, man, I have been in this exact situation a time or two, and it really does suck. It can be hard when you’re dealing with the “invisible lesbians” – we like to make excuses that they’re probably straight, because we’re in a “straight business”, even if all the signs are there that she is definitely not straight. But we’ve been brainwashed to think that our gaydar (not a real thing, by the way) will go off when a woman is actually gay. This, of course, is highly inaccurate, because really we’re just guessing based on the stereotypes that we’re trying so hard to escape from.

I think it would be so much easier if all the homos could just wear a little tag that says they’re gay, but then again there was a pretty big war fought over why making someone wear their identity was a really, really bad thing. So, those of us who are too shy to get when someone is blatantly flirting with us will probably be doomed to stay ignorant forever. Sigh. Maybe someone should create an opt-in tag that says “Gay + Shy – Be direct with your flirting!” or something like that. I don’t know. I’m not good at coming up with slogans.

The fact that you didn’t date her doesn’t make getting over her any easier, and in fact, it probably makes things worse. As humans, we crave closure, which is hard to get in a non-relationship without humiliating yourself. And, since she has a girlfriend, pursuing this closure directly from her would be incredibly disrespectful to her relationship – don’t be that person.

Since you found out about her new job, her new girlfriend, and everything else by Facebook-stalking her (no judgment here – I’ve done it, too), you’re probably right about it being really weird if you “happen” to run into her at her new place. You could swing by, pretend it’s a coincidence, and pretend you know nothing about her new girlfriend until she brings her up – but personally, I think this is a bit tacky. Don’t do it.

Instead, I think the best way to get over this whole situation is to just let it run its course. This is going to be hard, but thankfully, she’s not right in your face – and “out of sight, out of mind” works well for some people. It probably won’t happen overnight, especially if she was as great as you said, but you will get over her. Or, if it’s really meant to be, she’ll know where to find you.

[interaction id=”56cf0bdffe5d459225c6c657″]