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Getting Deep: The 14 Questions You Need to Ask Before It Gets Too Serious

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Do you find yourself wondering if your current girlfriend might be the one? It can be hard to tell sometimes. We want to make sure we choose the best partner to devote our life to, but it’s hard to tell what the future can bring.

If only there were some sort of master list of all the right questions to answer.

Well, we have compiled such a master list and offer it to you now. This list consists of the most serious questions to think about in your relationships. Not all of these questions require identical answers – for example, someone who wants to be a lawyer doesn’t have to limit themselves just to lawyers. But your answers should be compatible, or you must be able to compromise. These questions will determine your future relationship happiness.


1.    What are your views on marriage?

Someone who’s been planning her dream wedding her whole life probably won’t be happy with someone who enjoys the bachelor lifestyle – but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a fling. There is no right or wrong answer, there are just differences of opinion.

More than just a difference in the desire to get married, even amongst those who do want to tie the knot, there are some differences to consider. There are some people who view marriage as “just a formality” who would be just as content in a long-term committed relationship, and some who like the idea of marriage but don’t see it as permanent. Again, this is a matter of personal opinion, and you’ll have to decide whether your views are compatible.


2.    What are your views on children?

This is a big topic among many couples. Some people like kids, some people don’t like kids, and some people don’t mind one way or the other. Some people want biological children, and some would be okay with adopted children. There are even some who would prefer adopted children! And then there’s the topic of conceiving the child. Do you conceive “naturally” or with a donor, or does it matter?

Once we start thinking of the individual topics within the subject of children, it becomes obvious how important it is to think about. Someone who has kids from a previous relationship would need a partner who likes kids (or at least accepts them) and doesn’t demand to be related to the kids. Sometimes we take for granted the dedication it takes to help take care of someone else’s child – it’s a beautiful thing that not everyone can handle.


3.    What are your values?

This is often thought of in a religious context, but I don’t think this is the only important application. It’s important that you and your partner share similar visions. They don’t have to be exact, but they should complement each other.

For example, if one of you highly values traditional gender roles and a “family-oriented” environment, it’s best if the two can agree on this. If one partner thinks they should share all financial and decision-making processes equally, this will have to be considered, too. Look for any type of discrepancies between your views – you’ll need to decide which ones you can’t handle.


4.    What are your religious beliefs?

Hey, I didn’t say religion wasn’t important – just that it’s not the most important. Religion plays a huge part of many people’s lives, and a lack of religious beliefs is a rather big opinion as well. Some religious views are definitely compatible with one another, but someone deeply religious will most likely not be their happiest with an atheist.

As mentioned above, there are definitely some religions whose core values are the same, and these are often compatible. Additionally, someone questioning their own religious faith can probably be a good partner to any religious belief as long as they’re open-minded and respectful.


5.    What are your deal breakers?

It can be hard to pin down exactly what would make us change our mind about someone, and there are no guarantees in love. But if you find out that she can’t stand someone who chews with their mouth open, and you happen to forget to close it sometimes – she’ll probably figure that out right away.

Sometimes our “deal breakers” don’t factor in as much as we think they will, and other times there are things we thought we could handle that we just can’t. Most of the time, though, you’ll have some idea about the things that would cause a big problem. Talking these out can help save you from wasting your time.


6.    What are your long-term goals?

I understand that not everyone thinks that far ahead of time. I’m an obsessive planner, though. I often think about my one-year, three-year, and five-year plans, and although the answers change sometimes, I love thinking about the future. For me, it would be important that I find a partner who also has long-term goals. There’s nothing wrong with flying by the seat of your pants, but it’s not compatible with my lifestyle.

Once we start thinking about these goals, there are other comparisons to make, too. For example, if one of you has a goal to be in the military and the other has a goal to end global wars – well, you probably won’t see eye-to-eye on that one. If one person wants a mansion and a farm, they probably shouldn’t be with a partner who doesn’t like to stay in the same place. It’s all about finding someone who fits into your life.


7.    What should I know about your family?

I don’t think it’s necessary that your partner meet your family in order to be an important part of your life. Maybe some people who are really close to their family will feel otherwise, but think about it this way: Would you have to meet your partner’s family if she were an orphan? Not everyone is in the same situation, and there are many legitimate reasons why someone might not introduce their partner to their family.

What’s important is that you know a bit about each other’s family. You should know the reason why you’re not meeting them, if that’s the case, or what to expect when you do meet them. You shouldn’t tell them every detail of their life story, but they should be briefed on the basics just in case anything comes up.


8.    Where do you want to live?

This question seems pretty shallow at first glance, but the more you think about it, the more you’ll understand that it makes a huge difference in whether or not the relationship is compatible. You don’t necessarily have to agree on the exact city, but if one of you prefers the countryside and one will only be happy in a penthouse, there’s going to be some clashing.

The fact that this question seems shallow can actually work in your favor when you’re “interviewing” a potential commitment. Because it’s not anything super personal, you can ask early on in the relationship and take longer to decide if any differences matter.


9.    What is your biggest fear?

I don’t know about you, but I hate discussing my fears. I like to present this image that I’m sort of a badass, and then once I finally start to open up to someone they find out I’m just a big softie. If you’re like that, too, discussing your biggest fear can be difficult. But when you evaluate your fears in comparison with your partner’s fears (and strengths), it can help you to find out if your partner can be “your hero”.

As for me, my biggest fear is earthquakes – so there’s not a lot that can be done to protect me from that one. But I have a lot of other relationship-based fears, too, and I need to know that a partner isn’t afraid of my particular weaknesses.


10. What is your passion, your motivation?

Deep down inside of us all (some a little closer to the surface) there is something that makes us tick – something absolutely necessary for us to be content. This type of thing might be one of our goals, or it could be the love of your family, or it could even be sex. It’s not important that you and your partner are motivated by the exact same thing, but – you guessed it – they should be compatible.

How do you know if your passions are compatible? The easiest way to tell is if you can find a way to satisfy each other’s – even if it’s just through moral support. Truly, most passions are compatible, but everyone will have to make the decision for themselves.


11. Who is your hero?

This is another one of those questions that looks shallow at first glance, but it can tell you a lot about her personality. Sometimes, these things are simple guesses – but generally speaking, you can assume that her hero is someone with values she admires. So if you’re inspired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and she’s inspired by Kim Kardashian – these are not compatible heroes.

You don’t have to admire the same people, and it’s probably better if you don’t (because then you can inspire each other!). But your heroes should have similar overall visions, as it might help you to know if you and your partner do, too.


12. What’s on your bucket list?

Not everyone takes the time to think about what they want to do before they die, but generally it’s best if you have an idea. Maybe you don’t have a list written down yet – but you know the types of things you want to accomplish, and your partner should, too.

If you haven’t taken the time to think about it yet, comparing answers can help you think of some ideas, and you can hear the reasons behind her ideas. It’s more important that your motivations be similar – that is, if one of you wants to be a millionaire and the other wants to travel the world, it’s very likely that these goals can coexist.


13. What would you do if you won the lottery?

For some people, this is pretty much the same as their bucket list. But the truth is, there are spenders and there are savers, and then there are those in the middle of the road. I happen to fall somewhere in the middle, and I need a partner that falls somewhere in between too.

Whether you want to admit its importance or not, money is a vital part of modern society. If you’re the type of person to scrimp and save, and your partner splurges with every paycheck, there are going to be some problems down the road once you’re sharing financial decisions. It’s not mandatory that you see eye to eye, but if you don’t, it might be best to keep your finances separate to avoid any trouble.


14. What are you thankful for?

Nobody wants to date someone who doesn’t appreciate things – so you should have an idea of what your partner sees as the most valuable “gifts” she’s been given, whether they’re physical, spiritual, or emotional. This is another question where the specifics aren’t as important as the existence of an answer in the first place.

It might send a twinge of jealousy through if your partner mentions something from an ex, but realistically it shouldn’t. Think about it: She’s telling you that she is thankful for the people who have helped her, even if they are no longer beneficial to her life. While I understand the jealousy if there are numerous things from one specific partner, you should feel reassured if she cites an ex as a reason for her gratitude.


In conclusion…

This is in no way a complete list of questions to ask your partner, but it is a great selection of conversation starters if you’re starting to feel the draw of a serious committed relationship. Communication and compromise are paramount in a healthy relationship and each of these questions can have a million different possible answers.

We hope that you have been inspired to talk to your lady about these topics. Even if you’ve got a happy, successful long-term commitment, isn’t it nice to catch up on everything sometimes? There’s no such thing as knowing your partner “too well”. Enjoy learning about each other and growing closer every day.

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