Often when we think of a “successful” relationship, we’re thinking of the long-term picture. Maybe it means that the relationship results in mutual success, maybe it means that you slowly worked your way up from friends, or maybe it means that you’re together “forever” and you just “click”. However, no matter what description you use to define “success” in your loves, we tend to wonder when we get these intimate feelings early on.
Does this mean that there’s something wrong with shorter relationships? Well, no – I’m a firm believer that a person will be in your life for exactly as long as they need to be. Sometimes we regret not meeting a person sooner, but if we think back on the situation, we’ll usually know that there’s something that was in the way before. People come into your life when they’re meant to, they leave when they’re meant to, and it’s a little silly to wish for anything else.
Fact: Sometimes people get attached quickly.
It’s a bit of a lesbian stereotype, actually – we’ll get attached quickly and that’s the end of it. Someone you’ve known for two weeks sees deeper in your soul than someone you’ve known your whole life. While we don’t want to force the issue (pretending to be attached to someone if we’re really not yet), sometimes you click with someone sooner.
It is important to realize the difference between “love” attachment, “lust” attachment, and “infatuation” attachment, though – the three have very different connotations.
Infatuation attachment simply means that you want to be with someone. In an ideal relationship, you’ll keep these feelings for the entire relationship – but often they wane after some time. Generally, it’s difficult to tell if something is infatuation during the first few months.
Lust attachment refers to a strong desire to have sex with someone. This doesn’t automatically mean that you’re meant to be together; sometimes you just have a strong sexual chemistry. But sexual chemistry is not the only factor that matters in a relationship. Even if both partners have very high sex drives, there are other things that need to be considered.
Love attachment, on the other hand, refers to a willingness to accept every part of the person. You take their flaws (that you have definitely noticed) and still see them as a good person. It’s important that you have identified their character flaws in order to say that you love them – infatuation is blind, but love sees all.
Fact: Some people can read others very well.
If you’re with someone who seems like they can see straight into your soul, this can either be really uncomfortable, or really reassuring – depending on how you feel about them. This type of intimacy can be very intimidating if you don’t feel the same way towards the person that they feel about you.
But if you feel strongly for them, you may find yourself perpetuating their ability to read you by being more open with them. When we openly communicate with someone, we are exposing a piece of our soul that we don’t allow everyone to see – something that can be off-putting to someone if they don’t care to know those things.
With a proper balance of empathy and communication (from both partners), a quick connection can be very beneficial. It eliminates any need to “play games” (which you totally shouldn’t be doing anyway) and allows us to be truly ourselves at all times. For many people, it can take a long time to be that comfortable with someone – but that’s not always the case.
If you and your partner are both completely comfortable with each other from the start, your closeness is bound to grow over time. The connection you have now is likely to keep building until you know each other inside out. Imagine how much you can know about your partner if you start right away!
Of course, sometimes this connection backfires. You might get into things that are “too personal”, and either you lock up or your partner shuts you down. These are both incredibly painful experiences, and can cause the downfall of the relationship. We hope this never happens to you – but most likely, it’s going to happen at least once in your life.
Fact: Some women “substitute” their ex with their new love.
It seems like a messed up situation, but there is an inclination of some women to attempt to slide a new partner into the position filled by their old partner. In these cases, the partner doing the “substituting” may assume certain things about their new partner; whether they assume they are the same as their old partner, or they assume they are different, they have equal chances of being right and wrong.
Even if you’re the best people-reader in the world, you can’t make generalizations based on first appearances. People can pretend to be someone they’re not, and you shouldn’t over-complicate that by pretending, too.
Repeat after me: Your new partner is not your old partner, and if you’re having trouble remembering that, you’re probably not ready for a new relationship yet.
Fact: Some relationships run their course quickly.
Sometimes, getting intimate early on can be a wonderful thing. You may decide that this woman is the love of your life – and it only took you a short while to realize that. But if you’re rushing into the seriousness of the whole thing, you may eventually find that the things you thought aren’t really true.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. In fact, most aren’t. That doesn’t always mean that the relationship was wrong. Most relationships represent exactly what we needed in our life at the time we were in them (the exception being abuse – no one ever deserves to be abused). Just because it doesn’t work for you anymore doesn’t mean it was wrong from the beginning.
If you find that your relationship is growing old in all the wrong ways, it’s best if you just say goodbye. There’s this stigma associated with short-lived relationships, but it really doesn’t make any sense. How is a one-night stand seen as a “success” but a two-week relationship seen as a “failure”? It’s about the quality of the time, not the amount of time you spent.
Fact: Life is (mostly) unpredictable.
Even if you’re an obsessive planner (I happen to fall in this category), there’s no way to see the future. There’s this quote I remember seeing somewhere, a long time ago – “I hate when I plan my day and no one else follows their script.” It makes a lot of sense, though – we can only truly control ourselves. We might be able to influence others, but they make their own decisions.
Sometimes, the woman you’ve been seeing may leave you out of the blue, and others might tell you that you’re unreasonable for feeling slighted by the end of the relationship. You have every right to be hurt when a relationship ends, no matter who ended it, how long it lasted, or why it didn’t work out. Even if we try to plan every detail, the most important ones are things that we can’t plan for.
If you find yourself incredibly hurt by the end of a “short” relationship, you’ll probably be tempted to get back together – but I urge you to resist this. If she left you “without reason” so early on, it’s likely that you weren’t right for her – and if you try to get back together, it’s possible that she would continue to blame you for things that aren’t your fault.
(And beyond that, begging sounds an awful lot like desperation – don’t give into the temptation!)