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Help, I Can’t Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm During Sex | We Answer Your Questions

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I can’t give my girlfriend an orgasm during sex

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve tried every thing in the book. Oral, fingering, lots of foreplay before hand – but nothing seems to push her over the edge. She can make herself come successfully all the time. She’s touched herself in front of me, but it’s hard for her to come with eyes on her she says. What can I do to make oral for her better? I’ve started feeling deeply insecure. Feeling like if I had a penis I’d be able to make her come easily, even though I know that is not the case.

A: I think one of the most important things to realize here is that every woman is different, with different needs in the bedroom. It is possible that the fact that you don’t have a penis is the problem – but I wouldn’t guess that first.

Have you considered using toys for your sexual play? There are a wide variety of toys out there, and if you do think that the type of penetration you can give her could be the problem, there is a great chance that you can find a toy that helps you work around this. Try shopping for toys together (online if you’re shy) and see what makes her eyes light up.

Further, it’s also possible that you haven’t truly tried everything in the book. After all, there are worlds of different sexual experiences that you can pursue. One that immediately comes to mind is blindfolding yourself – you said she has a hard time getting off when there are eyes on her? Maybe the easiest solution is to stop you from being able to look at her!

There are some women who have a hard time reaching climax in general (I happen to be one of them). Often, they don’t really focus on the orgasm too much, because they know it’s hard for them. Is it possible that she’s not as concerned with it as you are? If she’s not, you can try looking into tantric sex. Tantra focuses on the idea that most people put too much emphasis on the destination, and not enough on the journey.

I also think it may be possible that it’s a self-confidence issue on your end. To me, the fact that you’re questioning if you could do a better job with a penis eludes to the idea that you might not be certain of your gender identity. It’s worth exploring your feelings on this subject, as it may be impacting many areas of your life without you making the connection. Just because you explore the feelings doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll find a definite answer right away, but you’ll be one step closer to understanding yourself.


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Author

Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” – an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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