Dear KitschMix,

I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months, but the last 3 months have been s**t. She upsets me on a daily basis, and when I get upset, I get angry with her, which means she gets angry with me. She has become controlling over the time we spend together, and we are together I find her very self-centred. She is always on her phone, and seems disinterested in anything I have to say.

I’m really confused because this shift is a new thing. Everything was great between us, until these 3 months. I am her first girlfriend and keep wondering if that’s the problem!? I have told her she changed, and she said she will fix it. And she does for a week, then things go back to the issues again. I have done a lot for her. When we met she was very isolated, and I encouraged her to get out and meet new people. Now she has an active social life, we both do. Don’t get me wrong, some of our fight is my fault I know that.  But I feel something is not quite right. Is this just a phase for us? I love her and do not want to break up with her. Any advice that’s not breaking up?

Well, reader, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but your relationship sounds very dysfunctional to me. It might be possible to fix it, so I don’t blame you for wanting to take separation off the table. But truthfully, if you care about both of your happiness (which you should, if you love her) – it actually needs to stay on the table. It’s not the only option, and I will try to help explain a few things that might help. Just keep in mind that breaking up actually is the best option sometimes, if nothing else really seems to do the trick.

First: Those magical first six months. It’s pretty normal that they’re going to be better than the time following that. After all, during the first part of a relationship, people are more likely to conceal the things about themselves that they view as undesirable. Most people try harder in the beginning, and that’s why a lot of relationships seem to deteriorate over time. You can get it back, but it will take consistent efforts from both of you, and from what I understand, that’s not something she can promise you.

I’m not sure what you mean by “controlling over the time you spend together” – do you mean that she wants to spend more time together, or that she wants to spend less time together? If she wants to spend more time together, but can’t seem to keep her attention on you, you’ve got a right to be a little peeved. If she wants to spend less time together, things are a little more complicated to explain on my end.

If you two don’t spend a lot of time together as it is, and she wants to spend even less… She is probably unhappy in the relationship. (And I must say – if my relationship was the way you’ve described yours, I wouldn’t be happy, either.) If you do spend a large amount of time together and she wants to spend less time together, this is a healthy decision and you should not deny her request. Too much togetherness is a bad thing – you each need your own time and space to breathe, separate from each other. We forget this when we’re still in the “honeymoon phase”, but how long this phase lasts will be different from person to person. Chances are, her time to ignore her own needs is up, and yours isn’t quite there yet. No matter how painful it might be for you, you really need to let her be her own person.

Next: She probably has changed. But I’m sure you have, too. Very rarely will a person stay exactly the same for nine months – especially if they were wearing a metaphorical mask at the beginning of that time. The comfort she takes in being her true self in front of you is a huge compliment to you. People grow, and change, and become slightly different people every single day. If we didn’t, we would die. (Both literally and poetically.)

Does she volunteer to “fix” things or do you demand it? This might not seem like a big deal, but it makes a world of difference. No one has the right to demand that someone else changes to suit their own preferences. Yes, this includes things that you weren’t aware of when you got together, or things that weren’t an issue. If the change is a big enough problem for you, “goodbye” is the best option – otherwise, you’re going to have to deal with it – she is her own person.

I know this is frustrating… Trust me. My current partner and I have been together over two years, and she irritates the crap out of me, on a regular basis. I know I irritate her, too – I’m a bit of a control freak (which I suspect you might be as well?). I don’t see control-freakiness as a bad thing by default, but it definitely has its right and wrong places, and your relationship shouldn’t be one of them.

Next, the fact that you’ve done a lot for her is (I’m sorry to say) completely irrelevant. No one owes you anything just because you’ve done something for them – especially something like changing themselves. You have absolutely no right to insist that she change herself, and if you’re really not happy with her as she is, it’s best to walk away – whether you want to or not. You can’t love someone while disliking everything (or a vast majority of things) about her. That’s not love – it’s an unhealthy obsession.

I know I probably sound judgmental here, and I promise you that’s not my intention. But if you’re not happy with her, and she’s not happy with you, the two of you deserve to be happy. No relationship is worth staying in an unhappy situation, and forcing her to change herself will make her unhappy. If the changes are things that she wants, she’d make a more solid effort – although she won’t be perfect – and you wouldn’t have to ask.

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