When it comes to your sex life, you probably have a pretty good idea about what you like and what you don’t. probably even have an idea of what your partner likes and doesn’t like, too – it’s part of being in a healthy relationship, after all. I think we all want to be the best partner we can, but what happens if you’re not so great?

Believe it or not, your sex life is actually super important – but it isn’t really as black-and-white as you might think.

The most important thing is communication.

Just like with the rest of your relationship, communication is the key. Your relationship simply can’t exist unless you talk about it. (Your girlfriend is not telepathic, so stop acting like she should be able to read your mind. That’s not how you form a connection.)

It might be a bit awkward talking about your sex life if you’re not used to the idea, but as they say – if you’re not comfortable talking about sex, you’re not ready for it yet. You need a safe, judgment-free space where you can both talk about your satisfaction, your desires, and even the things you do when you’re not together.

Ideally, this should also spill over into the rest of your relationship, too. Do you talk about just the easy things, or do you find the courage to talk about the tough stuff, too? Let’s all stop pretending that we can ignore our emotions – that’s what your partner is there to help with.

Excitement is pretty important, too.

You don’t have to be a bore to fall victim to the ordinary. In fact, things get a little stale for everyone sometimes. What’s important isn’t that you avoid the staleness in the first place, but that you’re able to come back from it.

Your “excitement” doesn’t have to be something crazy or obscene – just out of the everyday routine. Try having sex somewhere new (like the living room couch), at a different time of day (I’m quite fond of 6AM, myself), or even just a new position. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you’re both excited to do it.

Again, this shouldn’t be limited to just the bedroom. Our entire lives can fall into a rut if we let them, so it’s important to remember to add a little spice sometimes. At least a few times a year, make time to do something completely out of the usual. Not only will you broaden your horizons, but you’ll also make some unforgettable memories.

Compatibility is more important than skill.

You might think that your sexual prowess boils down to how much experience and practice you’ve had – but, realistically, that’s not the case. There is no such thing as a universal sex goddess, despite what some of us would like to think. It’s more important that your sexual desires mesh well with your partner’s sexual desires.

When you’re discussing the ways you could be compatible (or incompatible), make sure you discuss the frequency you’d like to have sex. You should already know whether you two share the same views on monogamy before you’ve even thought of sleeping with each other, but just in case you haven’t, cover that one now, too. Lastly, you’ll need to make sure your fetishes and fantasies can coexist with one another.

Now, you’ll note that I said coexist here. It’s not really so important that you and your partner have the same desires – just that you’re willing to work with one another and find a happy compromise. It’s highly unlikely that you’re going to agree on everything, so it’s better to learn how to help each other get what you want.

Just practice!

I can’t even begin to explain how important it is to just practice. The more experience you get with your partner, the more in sync you two are going to be for future sexual encounters. Yes, you’re going to have some rocky and awkward times on the way there – but in the end, it’ll all be worth it as you fall into rhythm.

It’s also important to practice getting yourself off. I know many women shy away from the topic of masturbation, because we’ve been conditioned to reject it – but, truthfully, you can’t have good sex if you don’t know what it should feel like. Masturbating allows you explore your desires, process your fantasies, and learn what feels best to you.

Possibly the most important thing to practice is your communication – both speaking and listening, both in and out of the bedroom. This talking and listening is important for the health of your relationship, and it does get easier with practice, I promise. The sooner you start, the easier it will be for both of you – so start today!

The best sex will happen with the person you’re most comfortable with.

In your life, you’re probably going to have multiple sexual partners, and not all of them are going to be very good. It’s easy to attribute those not-so-good partners to a lack of skill, but let’s face it – even bad sex still feels pretty good. Most of the time, the person isn’t bad at sex – they’re just not a good fit for you, and that’s okay.

If you’re not comfortable with the person you’re with, or the things they’re interested in, sexually, the sex is more likely to be strained and awkward. While there’s no exact formula to figure out how comfortable you should be before the sex starts to get good, it’s been known to improve over time (but that still doesn’t mean it’s going to be on fire every single time – we all have our off days).

In the end, it all boils down to how much you care about your partner, and how dedicated you are to making it work – which means that a healthy, long-term relationship has more potential than all the casual flings in your lifetime.

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