It’s long been said that you shouldn’t shop when you’re hungry, shouldn’t date when you’re horny, and you shouldn’t post on social media when you’re drunk. It’s pretty much a given – and, like all the other rules in life, they’re things we tend to ignore from time to time.
In fact, most of us have found ourselves seeking out a partner just because we haven’t gotten laid in a while – even if we’re not the type to give it up on the first date. There’s an implication that you will have sex, at some point in time, and we tend to seek out people we want to have sex with. We might tell ourselves that’s not the primary goal, and that might not be the only factor after all. But it’s definitely up there for most of us.
Realistically, though, this thinking is flawed. Not only can you not tell what someone’s like in bed just by looking at them, you also can’t really tell what a person is really like just by sleeping with them. That doesn’t make it an easy concept to grasp, though, and it’s entirely possible that your expectations are going to be completely shattered from time to time.
Think of the girl you dated for months before you hooked up with her. You took the time to know her favorite movie, her favorite color, and even her favorite text tone on her phone. You like this girl a lot, so you decide to take the next step, and you two have sex. Most likely, it’s going to be a magical experience, partially because you waited so long for it, and partially because you’re head over heels with this woman.
Now, let’s think about the girl you dated because you felt like you really needed to get laid. Maybe you met at the bar, or the local bookstore, or whatever, but she is so hot that you can’t help yourself – and you sleep with her right away. Is this sex magical too? Maybe, maybe not. The sex itself doesn’t reveal so much, honestly… It’s about what you do after the sex.
Are you still interested?
One of the surest ways to tell if you’re dating because you’re horny is by evaluating how you feel after you’ve had sex. It doesn’t matter if you waited forever before you had sex or if you had sex on the first date. It doesn’t matter if you’ve exchanged “I love you’s” or if you haven’t even exchanged names. What matters is how you feel about her once you’ve come down from that post-orgasm high.
If you see her crazy sex hair and her awkward orgasm face, do you still want to get to know her better? Or are you happy to move on once you’ve gotten what you came for?
Sexual chemistry is a big deal.
While there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to sex between consenting adults, a drastic difference in sexual interests is probably going to cause problems down the road. If she asked for something during sex that you really weren’t comfortable with, what was your first instinct? If you went ahead and did it anyway, but felt awkward that she even asked, this can be a red flag for future sexual incompatibility issues. On the other hand, if you refused, but find yourself interested in working up to it, this is a pretty good indicator that your interest in this woman is legit.
There is another side of the coin, too, and that’s your fantasies. If you find the need for rough sex, but she’d rather have it slow and gentle, do you feel disappointed by this difference, or are you willing to accommodate? Remember, the person receiving should always be in charge of what happens to them – but you’ll need to evaluate her acceptance of your own sexual kinks. If you feel like you’ll be sacrificing to be with her, you probably will, and this means a lot for long-term compatibility.
Is her sexual persona too hard for you to handle, or is it a challenge you’re willing to take? Does it feel like you’ll compromise, or like you’ll sacrifice?
Pheromones are pretty powerful, too.
Here’s a fun fact you might not know: The body odor of a person you’re attracted to will smell better to you than the average person’s body odor. While there may be very few people who thoroughly enjoy the smells left behind by sex, it’s actually a scientific reality that post-sex smell with someone you’re into will smell good to you.
When we sweat, our bodies release pheromones, which work the same for us as they do for animals. These pheromones are meant to attract a partner, and go all the way back to the days when we relied on body language, rather than verbal and written language. We don’t think about them as much now, but really we should, especially since we often cover them up with colognes and perfumes.
Pay attention to how your partner smells after sex. Not their sweat, and not the “mess”, just them. Do you like it? If you do, your interest probably goes down to a biological level. This is amazing for long-term compatibility.
What do you want to do after sex?
This is bound to be different every time, but the general concept will be pretty much the same. Are they in your immediate future plans, or have you already mentally excused them? We’re not necessarily talking about spending the night (although if you don’t want her to spend the night, the chance of interest is a little lower), but for the next half-hour or so. Do you have the urge to be alone or do you want to linger in the afterglow for a bit?
As I said, this answer is probably going to change over time, and once you’ve been with your partner for a long time it can be tempted to go your separate ways when things are done. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings when they come up, though, because they can make the difference between a lasting relationship and one that fizzles out. After all, the best relationships are the ones that stay in the “honeymoon” phase – or at least return to it every now and again.
Practice paying attention after sex.
If you want your relationship to work long-term, you’ll need to carefully evaluate your after-sex feelings every time you have sex – not just the first time. Ideally, you should feel comfortable talking about these things with your partner, because she really does deserve to know, too. Make a habit of discussing not only your sex life, but your relationship as a whole. There’s something pretty magical about being mindful of things, and there’s a huge correlation between conscious communication and overall satisfaction in your relationship.
If you’re not comfortable talking to your partner after sex, you’ll need to ask yourself why. Usually, this is coming from a place of personal insecurity, rather than your partner herself. If you have identified that it is because of how your partner reacts, you probably already know the answer here: The two of you are not compatible, because your partner is not ready to be fully compatible.
This is something that most people don’t want to hear, but it’s something you need to hear. If you find yourself worried how your partner is going to react to anything you have to say, and it’s something that you personally would not react poorly to, your partner might be intentionally manipulating your relationship.
If, on the other hand, you’re concerned with something you’d say because you would react poorly to it, this is indeed a reflection of your own interests. After all, most of us have been taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. This means that you don’t do something to your partner that you wouldn’t want your partner to do to you. If you find yourself in a cycle of making decisions you’d personally disapprove of, there’s a good chance that you are the one not ready for love.
No matter what your specific results are, the way you respond to one another in this crucial time tells a great deal about the relationship as a whole, and while it takes practice and skill to reliably “read” the situation, it’s well worth the effort to learn. Not only will it help you to keep your partner satisfied, but it’ll also help you to notice when you’re not satisfied, before it gets to the point of no return. Trust me – you can thank me later!
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