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I Keep Thinking About Having Sex With Other Women

A reader finds herself cheating on her girlfriend – but only in her mind. Is that really so wrong?
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Q: I Keep Thinking About Having Sex With Other Women

Hi Kitsch Mix,

I’m 25 years old, and have a very strong libido. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for over 2 years.

She is a really nice woman and we love each other a lot. Our sex varies, (as expected) it is mostly amazing, and sometimes it’s good, and sometimes just fun. We usually do it every 2 days or so. She isn’t boring either – she is keen to try new things.

I care about her and I always want her to enjoy it so I will do things differently for her. Make it nicer for her, etc.

Also, she is the only person I’ve had sex with. I’ve had one or two gfs but not had sex with them.

She however, has had sex with other women and men before we met. She said she was in a mess emotionally at the time because of problems at home. She didn’t enjoy her life style and I think it’s kinda messed her up a bit. It took me ages to repair her and get her to relax during sex. We have our ups and downs, but in general she is good.

But, basically, within the past year I’ve been thinking about other women. Whenever a woman walks past, I see if she is pretty and if she is I think about what she would be like in bed, etc.

Inside, I just want to have sex with other women. The feeling is very strong. Now, I’m just thinking about it all the time, all day every day.

I told my gf and asked her for help but she wasn’t happy with me lol. If she told me the same thing, I wouldn’t be happy with her either.

I somehow try to justify it to myself by saying, ‘Well she has done someone else’ so why cant I at least match it?

So to summarise, there’s not really anything major wrong with our relationship but I find myself wanting more. I really can’t help it either and sometimes it makes me feel disloyal.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there a fix? Is this to be expected? What the hell is going on?!?!

Well, reader, your situation is a complicated one, and I think it’s best if I take this apart piece by piece to help you resolve it. Let’s start with this: There is nothing wrong with you. It’s completely natural to fantasize about other people, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, or if your current sexual partner is your first sexual partner. Since both are true in your case, it can be especially tough to keep your mind from wandering. Thankfully, as long as it’s only your mind wandering – there’s nothing to worry about.

My next note is the idea that you tell yourself, She’s had sex with someone else, so why shouldn’t I? The main flaw with this argument is that, I’m assuming, she had sex with these people when she wasn’t dating you. There’s a big difference between experimenting and infidelity. If she was single, or dating them at the time, there is legitimately nothing you can say. If it was before she met you, it’s her past and it needs to stay there.

I understand why your girlfriend was upset with you for your confession – but I also applaud you for opening up to her. Too many people are afraid to communicate their innermost desires with their partner, and it can have serious consequences on your relationship. She might not have been happy with what you told her, but I can guarantee she’s happy that you told her instead of stepping out.

To know where to go from here, you’ll have to think about what’s inspiring you to have these thoughts about other women. Is it just curiosity because of your limited experience? Is it a genuine attraction to these women in particular? Is it boredom with your lady? None of these questions has a “right” or “wrong” answer, as long as you’re honest with yourself. If you’re just curious about any women, and you’re not bored with your lady, it probably doesn’t need to be fixed. You can try taking a break, but not everyone is able to recover after the time apart, so choose wisely.

If you find yourself attracted to particular women, the situation is a little more complicated. Then you have to think about whether they remind you of your lady, or if they have anything in common, or if you’re having these thoughts more on days when you haven’t gotten any action… You know, days that you’re “due” to get some. Believe it or not, that can make a difference. Your eyes always wander more when you are in need of sexual release.

I think my biggest advice to you right now is the same thing I tell my partner often: If there’s nothing to worry about, don’t bring it up. Obviously if you’re actually tempted to cheat, your partner deserves to know, even if she gets mad about it. But if it was just a passing thought and your faithfulness is not in question, there’s no reason to upset her with something that will make her jealous unnecessarily.

Not all women mind the idea of an open relationship, but if I had to guess based on what you’ve told me, your girlfriend is not interested. I wouldn’t recommend pushing it in this situation unless you feel that it’s necessary for your own happiness – in which case she may be the wrong woman for you.

Good luck, reader, and please don’t hesitate to write back in if you need further help!

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Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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