fbpx

I Kissed A Girl and Liked It… But Now I’m Terrified She’ll Out Me

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on whatsapp
Share on email

Dear KitschMix,

Some background information: I live in a small conservative town, where everyone knows everything about everyone. Well, kind of. They do not know I’m gay.

Last week I went to a work party. There weren’t a lot of people there, but there was a lot of alcohol. Everyone there was drinking, including me. I didn’t feel drunk, but think I must have been. There was one girl there that was pretty drunk; not ridiculously so, just enough to lose the sensation of embarrassment. Anyway, even though I barely knew her, I ended up being the one trying to sober her up a little. Splashing water on her face, etc. We were in the bathroom.

Then, she started whispering in my ear. I had no clue what was going on, but somehow we ended up kissing. I was basically on top of the moon, this was my first kiss with a woman (with anyone actually) and I was pretty excited about it. More than that, I was thrilled to find that someone else was gay.

It was beautiful and just about as romantic as it gets, when alcohol is involved at least. She kind of started talking about herself, and how she had come out to her parents, and how she’d seen me around the office, and really liked me. That’s when I came out to her. She was the first person I had ever told, and it freaked me out. It also (probably thanks to the alcohol) made me feel really close to her, even though I barely know her. Anyway, people started freaking out because they couldn’t find us so we were forced to join the others. However, no one knew what had happened between us.

Two days later, I got a text from her basically asking what had happened. She was quite drunk, but not drunk enough to completely forget. She just wanted me to confirm her memories. I should’ve probably lied; instead, I told her the truth. She asked me if she had told me anything that could ruin her life. I told her that it depends what would ruin her life, and that I had definitely told her something that could ruin mine. She said she remembers what I said, and that she thinks she told me the same thing, and that it would stay our little secret.

Since then, I’ve three panic attacks. I can’t stop obsessing over everything that happened and the fact that someone knows I’m gay. I don’t really know her, so I feel like I can’t trust her and it’s scaring me, not to mention the fact that I kind of wish I could kiss her again, but don’t know how to go about that. What do I do? I built up so many walls of protection, and learnt to hide my feelings well that this is freaking me out.

Hello reader! From my perspective, I think you’re worrying about nothing at all – and I should know, I’m the queen of over-thinking, after all. But the anxiety that comes from the potential of being outed is a tremendous weight, and I totally get it. I am so glad that I waited to come out until after I had left small-town life – not that it always makes things easier, by the way, nor does it help in your situation.

To calm the stress and panic you’re feeling right now, think of it this way: She confirmed, while sober, that she’s gay too. Not to say that lesbians can’t or don’t out other lesbians, but she’s not some naïve straight girl – she knows how important it is to stay closeted until you’re ready. So, there’s one point in your corner, so to speak.

It’s good that you didn’t lie when she brought it back up. I know, coming out to anyone is hard, especially if you have to do it twice. (I’m also the queen of straight friends, trust me.) But, you’ve already showed each other a passionate kiss and bonded over complete emotional nakedness – being honest with her at this time might increase the chances of it turning into a relationship. (And it sounds like that’s something you’re interested in!)

I get the wall thing, too, and it might be helpful to know that this is a strong symptom of anxiety. One of the worst, actually. If you’re going to pursue a relationship with this woman, it’s pretty important that you do try to trust her, though – you can’t have a relationship without respect and honesty and trust. I’m not saying that she definitely won’t out you, but you need to try and have a little faith in her, even if you’re not going to try for a relationship.

My next point is that no one ever really “knows” anyone, and you don’t even start knowing someone until you start. Seems pretty obvious when it’s laid out like that – but anxiety doesn’t always understand logic. My biggest advice to you is that you work on getting to know this woman. Even if you don’t end up together, it’s so helpful to have someone who knows your situation. I can’t even explain how much peace I found once I started having lesbian friends, instead of only having straight friends and then girlfriends. (Especially since I only dated bi girls for a long time, and that’s a completely different battle.)

If you can, text her and explain the situation from your perspective. “I am really not ready to be out of the closet. You’re the first person I’ve ever told, the first person I’ve ever kissed, and the first person I’ve ever tried to trust.” I’m pretty sure that’s more than 160 characters, but you can paraphrase to make it work. If she’s worth the time, she will understand your position, and won’t do anything to try and hurt you. And you never know – your first kiss could turn into your first relationship!

Now, not that I think it’s going to happen in your case, but let’s cover what happens if she does break your trust. It is always a possibility, after all, and that’s why our anxiety latches onto it so hard – even if the possibility is only 0.1%, it still could happen, and you need to have a plan in case it does. (This is my personal best way to combat my anxiety – I plan for the worst and hope for the best.)

If she does out you after you specifically asking her not to, she is not a friend, and not girlfriend material. It doesn’t matter how you feel about her if this happens. It would be a little different if you didn’t explicitly state you didn’t want to be outed (even though no one actually has the right to out anyone else), but if you tell her how you feel and she still does whatever she was going to do anyway… She doesn’t deserve to have you in her life. Pure and simple.

Of course, being coworkers makes things difficult, whether you decide to pursue a relationship or if she outs you. I have a personal rule to not get involved with coworkers because it can be messy if things go bad. It won’t necessarily go bad, but if it does, you’ll have to face the person who basically ripped your heart apart – on a regular basis. I know I’m not strong or secure enough to face this possibility. I won’t even work with my partner’s family under most circumstances.

In a small town, though, things are different. There are less people overall, so it’s even harder to find someone who’s like you. There’s a chance that people will put it together on their own if they see you out in public. It would be wrong for me to pretend that it couldn’t happen. But truly, if there is no risk, is there anything to gain?

It’s important that you don’t let your fear of being outed keep you from something that could be amazing. Don’t quit your job because of this, definitely, and if you’re really interested in this woman, go after her! Discrimination in the workplace is shrinking, globally, thanks to the acceptance of our straight allies and the increasing visibility of the queer community at large. I’m not sure exactly where you’re located, but if discrimination isn’t already prohibited where you live, I feel it’s just a matter of time.

Now, time for some self-empowerment. This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but the easiest way to make sure no one can out you? Come out on your own. It won’t be easy, and it might not be the right time for you, and that’s OK. You need to do it in your own time, and no one should push you to do it if you’re not ready. But, to quote Rachel Maddow, “The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you’ve just told them.” In fact, this is pretty much why most people come out. It’s to take away someone else’s ability to identify on your behalf.

Of course, most people don’t come out all at once, and I wouldn’t recommend that you did, either. Coming out to this woman was an important first step. Next will be the people who make it relatively easy – your close friends and family members. Some of them might not accept you, but you’ll probably be surprised at how many do. In most “conservative” situations, there are bound to be people who are just going along with it because “it’s just what you do”. You might even find out you’ve got more gay friends and family than you thought!

Now, I’m of the mindset that your bosses and coworkers don’t, generally, need to know. I live in a very liberal state that actually has anti-discrimination laws, and when I worked in a brick-and-mortar setting, I pretty much never outed myself. (OK, maybe my former bosses might have noticed that I always used gender-neutral terms and pronouns to refer to my significant other, but I never explicitly came out.) Even in areas where discrimination based on sexuality is illegal or explicitly forbidden in corporate protocol, there are ways it can happen, and like you, I’m a bit anxious about most things. This is one of those situations where I am so grateful for my “invisibility”.

For a little caveat here – if someone (anyone) does out you, trying to seem less gay isn’t going to work. Like, not at all. I don’t know what it is about our sexuality, but for those of us who fall in the invisible sections, you look so much gayer if you’re trying to act straight. It doesn’t make any sense, but I can be dressed from head to toe in rainbows and tatted-up studs on my shirt, and I still don’t look as gay as I do when I’m hanging out with my straight male friends and trying to “be straight for the day”.

The biggest tool in your arsenal is confidence – even if you’re not quite aware of it yet. You can’t prevent someone from betraying your trust, but you can protect yourself from being hurt by it – so try to get comfortable with yourself. After all, you’re perfect as you are – if someone can’t see it, that’s their loss.


[interaction id=”56d059c0fe5d459225d49467″]

Latest NEWS

Also see

If only the world was as “open-minded” as us… Alas, matters of sexual identity and equal love, often cause so much friction in the rest of the world. Here, find an open dialogue on the issues facing our LGBT community.

Sign up for our newsletter.

Get the best of what’s queer, right to your inbox.

hey
beautiful,

come here often?

drop us a line

or try to find it on our website