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How Do I Let My Current Girlfriend Know About My Submissive Side?

How do you get a gentle girlfriend to take charge in the bedroom?
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Dear KitschMix,

In the bedroom (and past relationships) I’ve liked to be dominated, but I’ve met a woman who is quite the opposite. She is very kind in nature. She is gentle and soft, which I adore (and need). In the past I have dated women very different. Tougher and dominant, which I have enjoyed, especially in the bedroom, but not always in the relationship. I enjoy taking a submissive role, and want to be dominated during sex, but my new lady isn’t into roleplaying (or hasn’t really experimented with this side). At the moment, I’ve not pushed, because I’m still getting to know her, but I’m not sure how bring it up. I don’t want to introduce my previous sex-life as way of explanation, but also feel shy about bring it up with her. I don’t want to scare her off, but this is a side of me I want her to experience too.

Hello reader! The subjects of dominance and submission are often complicated, and your situation is no exception. Personally, I’m a bit shy about the subject of sex (probably hard to believe, but it’s true!) and I have a really hard time discussing what I want in the bedroom unless my partner brings it up, or we’re in the middle of the act.

In your case, I think it might be helpful to know that your girlfriend might be exactly the same. Who someone is in the bedroom is not necessarily who they are in the relationship. I had an ex who was totally dominant in our relationship – like almost to the point of being abusive – but when it came to our sex life, I was totally the one in charge. Generally speaking, I like to switch it up, depending on my mood at the time, and I think most women are like this.

It’s very likely that your girlfriend is the same way. Of course, it’s not guaranteed, but realistically, you won’t know until you ask.

That’s not to say that it’ll be easy to bring up. I don’t think you necessarily have to “role play” to play around with these roles, though. Like I said, many women aren’t the same in the bedroom as they are outside of the bedroom. Most who do have a preference can be swayed in the other direction, at least occasionally, as long as you’re willing to compromise.

Have the two of you already had sex? If you haven’t, the conversation will probably be a little more awkward, but her response might surprise you. (Even if you have had sex, you might not know the full story of her sexual preferences – like you said, you’re still getting to know each other.)

Since she is kind and gentle, I understand why you’d think that this is who she wants to be in your sexual activities. But this actually makes it a little more likely that she’ll want to please you in the bedroom – I really don’t think there’s any problem with two submissive women being together, as long as they’re both willing to try something different every now and then.

My current girlfriend, for example, generally takes a dominant role… but on occasion, I’ve taken control of the situation, and it hasn’t been a problem. Almost everyone is willing to try new things in the bedroom, and it’s really good for your relationship when you do.

There are a few different ways you can try bringing it up to her.


1. Be direct.

Ask her straight out to take control of you in the bedroom. Tell her that it would turn you on to be slammed down on the bed and “conquered”. Chances are, hearing that you want to be ravaged will be enough to motivate her to do just that. (At least, that has been my experience any time I’ve ever asked someone.) There’s just something unexplainably sexy about someone saying “Take me – now!”

Of course, not everyone responds well to direct sexy talk, so if you’re worried about taking this approach, there are other options.


2. Be indirect.

If telling her straight-out what you want is too much for you, you can try opening the door by asking her what she likes. Sometimes, that’s easier than telling what you want – and you might even find out that you two are actually pretty in sync. You never know until you ask!


3. Surprise her.

One thing that’s always worked for me is the “naked man” trick. (If you’re unfamiliar with the term, that’s where you wait for your partner, 100% naked – it’s got a pretty high success rate as long as the other person is interested in you.) One slight change to the traditional way this works is that, if you’re seeking to be dominated, you’ll want to somehow bind your hands, wear a blindfold, etc. – something that makes it obvious that you want to be “vulnerable”.

Please note that, if she really isn’t into being the dominant one, this isn’t going to work, at all.


4. Compromise!

If neither of the above approaches really works for you, consider bringing up the idea of sharing roles. Like previously mentioned, even the most dominant/most submissive partners are willing to try something else if it’ll make their partner happy – and if she isn’t willing to compromise, the two of you probably just aren’t sexually compatible. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a girl who’s soft and gentle in love, and rough and hard in the sack. It just means that it’s not her.


You’re right to not want to bring up your past sexual experiences to explain your preferences. Generally speaking, talking about your sex life before your current girlfriend is going to cause some insecurities for most women, especially if it’s presented in a way that sounds like this is why I liked sex with my ex more than sex with you. It probably won’t sound like that to you when you say it, but many women will hear it that way.

If the sex you want is that important to you, you will need to get over your shyness, somehow. For me, it’s definitely easier if I’m actually having sex at the time, but your experience may vary. Play around with the idea – even write yourself a script if you need to! Consider each of these options in your head, and find one that works right for you. Just remember that the sex is really only as important as you allow it to be.


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