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Why the Number of People You’ve Had Sex With Actually Does Matter

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Sex is a complicated topic. While women are openly embracing their rights to be free with their bodies (and rejecting the idea that anyone else has any control over such things) we find that there are still people who shy away from telling how many partners they’ve had.

Most people won’t ask anymore – it’s considered rude to ask it. But shouldn’t you be able to wear that number like a badge of pride? We pretend that we’ve reached a point of equality, but the truth is, men are still applauded for high numbers, and women are still applauded for low numbers (but not zero!) and the inclination is to go along with what’s “expected”. When telling their numbers, the more feminine among us will tend to shave a few off, and the more masculine might tack on a few extra.

(This is definitely more of a generalization than a rule – I know a great deal of people who are completely honest about their “numbers” and others who lie in the opposite direction of what you’d expect. It’s all a matter of the individual.)

Believe it or not, whether we want to admit it or not, our number of partners is pretty important – but not for the reasons you might think.


Your “sex number” tells of your relationship with sex.

A high number of partners doesn’t mean you’re promiscuous, and a low number of partners doesn’t mean you’re a prude. It’s all a matter of your relationship with sex, and for many women (and even men) this can be a complicated relationship.

Once you tell someone your “number”, they’re going to think things about you. Sometimes this stuff is pure garbage, such as the “purist” who thinks that there must be something wrong with you if you’ve broken the double digits. Maybe it’s the “self-proclaimed porn star” who thinks you’re stuck up because you’ve had sex with less than half the number of people she has. Either way, these people are wrong.

Sex is a personal and intimate decision, and no one can decide if you’ve had “too much” or “not enough” but you. But sex does tell something about your relationship with sex – although it’s not a clear, cut-and-dry picture.

If your number is particularly high, it could mean that you have a past that includes abuse. It could mean that you have problems with depression or social anxiety, and your coping mechanism just happens to be in between your legs.

Similarly, a low number can also signify a troubled past. For those who have suffered sexual abuse, the scale will probably tip one way or the other – either the person will seek out more sexual thrills, because they equate this with their worth, or they could seek out less because they see it as something “tainted”. Both of these are completely healthy responses, as long as you’re doing them with respect to yourself and your safety.

Many people (myself included) go through “cycles” of sexuality, as well – after my sexual abuse, I went through a long period of celibacy, followed by what I affectionately refer to as my “slut phase”. And now (much to the disappointment of my partner) I have “mellowed out” and no longer see sex as a priority in my life.

A low number can also mean that you’re more focused on finding love first – which there’s nothing wrong with. The realm of sexuality is not black-and-white and it never really has been. Whether you consider yourself hypersexual, demisexual, asexual, or anywhere in between, your sexual partners don’t quantify what you’ve been through – but they can play a part in determining how you feel.

Or, you could just like sex and dislike feelings – this is also completely appropriate!


Your numbers matter to you, even if no one else cares.

Whether we want to admit it or not, giving someone our body in a sexual way gives them a part of us forever. Even if it was a drunken one-night-stand, this person will hold onto a piece of your own sexuality. Some choose to reserve that strictly for the people they’re in love with, while others choose to give that part of themselves more freely than they give their emotions, their intelligence, and their soul.

When you think about your own sexual numbers, you’re under no obligation to disclose those numbers to other people, even if they do ask. There’s nothing wrong with lying about the numbers – promiscuity does not necessarily mean you’ll have a disease (even though I, too, have been guilty of “slut shaming” others – mostly my previous partners – sorry about that!) and a low number doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be clean. It’s a matter of how you conduct yourself during your sexual activities, and for this reason, the number should really only matter to you. That’s not to say that people won’t form judgments – they probably will.

But you shouldn’t care so much about what they think of you. You should instead focus on what you think of yourself. After all, no one else is stuck with you – but you. You have to be happy and confident in yourself, because everyone else is free to walk away if they disapprove.

Practice saying your “sex partner number” to yourself. Become confident with it. Say it out loud, write it down, get used to it, because that number is never going to go down – only up.


How you feel about your number is infinitely telling.

Whether you are a self-proclaimed free spirit who values your sex numbers as if they were your bank numbers (which, neither should be the most important aspect of your life), or you’re more the type to withhold sex until you’re sure you’re going to be with the person for a while, the only thing that matters is what you think of these numbers.

I could tell you how many people I’ve had sex with (a little under 20) – but that doesn’t tell you the whole picture. You wouldn’t be able to see that most of these were between the ages of 18 and 19 (the “slut phase” I referred to earlier) when I was confused about so many aspects of myself.

It’s the same for you, too. While the number itself doesn’t hold much meaning, the way you react to the numbers tells everything. For me, the ages of 18-19 (the single year that I had sex with exactly half of my sexual partners) represents a time of shame, but it’s not because of how many people I had sex with – it’s because of my opinions surrounding sex at that time.

I thought of myself as only being worth sex, and that’s not a fun feeling. Sex is great, but you should never have to devalue yourself and think that’s all you’re worth. I wasn’t taking good care of myself, I was deeply depressed, and my cycle of hypersexual conduct was making me feel even more like that’s all I was worth.

Ladies, whether you have had a hundred sexual partners or haven’t even had your first experience yet, you need to understand that you are worth so much more than your number. If you feel your number is “too high” – get checked out, get some therapy, do whatever you have to do to put your mind at ease. If you feel your number is “too low”, evaluate whether it’s because you want sex or you feel like you have to have sex. If it’s the latter, put those thoughts aside – they won’t do you any good.

Take care of yourself, and each other – and don’t let anyone put you in a box because of how many partners you’ve had. Quite frankly, it’s none of their business.


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