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Is It Really Love, Or Are You Just Stubborn?

If you have to ask if you’re in love, you’re probably not.
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Love is complicated. There’s no easy way around that. But some of us make it even more complicated than it needs to be, by giving the label to something that just doesn’t quite fit.

Have you ever noticed that some of your friends seem to be “in love” with someone new every couple of weeks? Maybe that friend is you – which, of course, is even harder to admit. Realistically, it takes a long time for a bond to grow enough to call it love. There’s not really a set-in-stone length of time, but if it’s only been a couple of weeks… What you’re feeling isn’t love at all.

But, these initial feelings that we mistake for love are often the things that motivate us to take things further. This is a good thing. Since love is actually a conscious action and not a subconscious feeling, infatuation is actually a precursor to love, if you let it be such.


Love is an action, not a feeling.

Many people think that love is a feeling. It’s not. To love someone is not explicitly the same thing as having a deep connection with them – it’s an active choice to be good to your partner.

This means that anyone who tells you they love you and then treats you like crap is, on top of everything else, a liar.

When you love someone, you do whatever you can to make them happy. Sometimes you’ll fall short, but as long as you’re actually trying, you shouldn’t fall short too much. If you’re giving it your all and she is, too, your relationship should be happy, at least most of the time.


Love doesn’t hurt.

It’s a fairly common belief that love is painful. This is, to put it simply, a complete load of bullsh*t. Love does not hurt – but loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts. It hurts even more if they say they love you, but their actions show otherwise.

Remember, love is an action, so what someone says has literally nothing to do with it. If she truly loved you, she wouldn’t have to tell you. If all she offers are empty words, sorry to say, but she doesn’t love you, my friend.


Some people are incapable of feeling love.

I know I said love isn’t a feeling, but there is a connection between your emotions and your actions, and some people are literally unable to feel this connection. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re giving it your everything and your partner can’t see it – the problem is, quite possibly, her.

Sometimes, the people who seem the least deserving of love are the ones who actually need it the most, though. It’s possible that she’s built up a wall around her heart, and by showing her love consistently, it might help. But you shouldn’t waste your efforts on someone who can’t appreciate them – even if she doesn’t feel it, she should acknowledge that you’re showing it as best as you can.


Love goes through changes – and these changes are necessary.

When you love someone, there are bound to be ups and downs in the relationship. While these changes can sometimes be painful, it’s an important part of the process – and if they never went through these changes, you wouldn’t appreciate the good days.

Since real love requires a consistent effort on both parts, it makes sense that sometimes you just won’t be able to give it as much thought as you once did. The “honeymoon phase” is often the easiest, but it cannot (and should not) last forever. An absence of any problems is, in itself, a problem.

When you love someone, you’re going to fight sometimes. These shouldn’t be all-out brawls, but there is no such thing as perfect – so if you’re telling yourself it is, chances are one of you is denying your needs and/or desires in order to keep up appearances. This isn’t love – it’s acting.


Love is powerful.

When you love someone, you are willing to make changes in your life that make things better for both of you. Your partner will not have to demand these changes – her mere presence will inspire you to do greater things. Go with this – the power of love is stronger than almost any other force!

Love won’t do everything, though, and to believe that it will magically solve all of your problems is naïve at best (and downright disappointing, at worst). The truth is that it won’t solve any of your problems, but if it’s mutual, it will make you want to solve your problems on your own – and if you’re lucky, your partner will want to help you solve these things. Just remember that, sometimes, the best help she can give is a shoulder to cry on when things get overwhelming. Appreciate her efforts, and don’t expect her to work any miracles.


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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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