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Relationship Dilemmas: Songs Ruined By Exes

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Those with a strong musical inclination may find themselves putting more emphasis into “your song” when it comes to you and your partner.

For me personally, I have a very strong association between certain songs, and the ladies they pertain to, and I know I’m not alone in this. But what happens when you break up – are these songs “cursed” now, doomed to be associated with the memories that the ex represents?

In my experience, this association is hard to control. Maybe we dedicated “Don’t Matter” by Akon to a girl who was hated by all of our family and friends – only to realize later that all their “hating” and “jealousy” over this person was actually well warranted.

Maybe you dedicated “Naked” by Avril Lavigne to some girl, only to find out later that she was actually getting “naked” with more people than you were comfortable with. Whatever the reason for the break-up, it’s important that you don’t let the failed relationship dictate the songs you can listen to.

Why?

Well, let’s translate this to another example: Say on your first date with this person, you went to your favorite restaurant, and the experience was phenomenal. Then a year or so later, you find out that this person is a complete jerk. Would you stop going to your favorite restaurant? Probably not – you’d just change who you go with.

I think it’s important to recognize the difference between an association and a curse. I might, for example, skip this song when thinking of a song to dedicate to a new love interest – but I wouldn’t delete it from my collection.

Sometimes memories are powerful, and your acceptance of this is important. Experiences (both good and bad) help to form future relationships in the way that we need to develop them.

A cheating ex, for example, teaches you that you aren’t willing to accept infidelity in your future relationships, and helps you to understand the signs of cheating in order to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of in the future.

An ex who is verbally abusive will teach you that you don’t want to put up with that in your new relationships, too. There are many examples that could be provided, but generally, the memory of these past indiscretions will help you in the future – don’t just dismiss these memories!

In that way, the associations can be good, too, even if the exact memories associated are bad. Listening to the songs that remind you of your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are still hung up on her (although if you find that you are, it’s best to not involve your new interest in these things – you’re probably not really ready to move on).

But bringing these memories to mind, you are actively reminding yourself of what you want and need. This is essential if you hope to meet your goals.

Remember, most relationships don’t last forever. It sucks, but it’s true. These bad experiences can (and usually are) helpful to your personal growth. Remembering the good things ensures that you strive for a partner who can fulfill the same needs that your previous partner(s) have fulfilled.

Remembering the bad things ensures that you won’t allow them to continue. Love (and life) are all about growth. Don’t dwell on the past, but use it to help you grow.

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Author
Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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