My teens and early twenties consisted of a string of relationships that spanned a pretty big spectrum. There were girls I dated for a few weeks, then bailed at the first sign of trouble. There was the first woman I dated for over a year, who ended up being a hugely complicated piece of my past. There were a few girls who moved in with me before we officially started dating, and there were a few girls who I wasn’t even sure were totally into girls. (And don’t even get me started on the “situationships”.)

Let’s face it, there’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to dating, and I think I’ve tried on almost every size there is. I tend to think of things in very temporary terms, so I’ve never really felt stuck in any position. I know that anything can change, at any time, and each day is completely different – even if the framework is all the same.

Then, right about the time I was finally ready to focus on myself for a while and fix all the problems my first big-girl breakup taught me, I met someone who totally changed my life… At the worst possible time. (Of course.)

Right from the very first time we talked, things were different. I was kinda-sorta dating someone else at the time, and she politely backed off, while making sure I knew she was there if I changed my mind. After a few months, my situation changed, and I decided to give it a shot.

After all, she’d been a pretty good friend the last few months. Any time I needed her, she was there, which is more than I can say for the person I was kinda-sorta dating when we met. I could tell something was different, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

When we met, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t going to let anything get serious. I had recently lost a lot of weight, and a good chunk of my self-control, and I was mostly looking for validation from some outside source. When we were together, though, I felt much more than validated – I felt welcomed.

I felt like I was home when I was with her, although I refused to keep any of my stuff at her place. I was starting to catch feelings – and it scared the shit out of me. I was so broken from my last relationship, I was terrified of letting myself be vulnerable.

But she convinced me to give her a chance, so I did. I refused to let her know how I felt. What if it was all a game? What if she was just leading me on? I had never been so afraid that something wasn’t going to work out. Sure, I’d broken up with exes and gotten back together later, but I never felt afraid about it. This feeling was new, and I didn’t really like it.

After a while, she started coming to my place, too. I was afraid of how she’d react to my roommates. I used to date one of them, and now she was dating my brother.

I knew the situation was weird, and I was worried that she’d read too much into me living with an ex. I was afraid of what she’d think once she heard what they had to say about me. I was afraid that her impression of me would change because of things she found out at my place.

But she started coming by more and more often – and she told me when my roommates were saying bad things about me. I ended up spending time with her family, and she came to my family’s barbecues.

And I was afraid that I’d do something to embarrass myself in front of her family – or worse, that my family would do something to embarrass me.

My family accepted her almost instantly, and they started bringing her along when they did stuff with me. She met my little sister, and I was afraid that she wouldn’t like my new girlfriend.

My sister had always been quite vocal about the choices I make in my love life, and I knew she really liked my ex. The two of them hit it off immediately.

The more time went on, the more I found to like about the woman I was with. It turns out that we had a lot more in common than I’d expected when we first talked, and she really knew how to treat a woman. In fact, she’s the first person I’ve ever been with who’s made me feel completely valid, from the very first day. Even though I wasn’t ready for her when she came into my life, somehow, my life had grown around her.

I’ve never been the type of person to build my life around someone – so it scared the hell out of me. Suddenly, I was living in someone else’s place. In my past relationships, it had always been someone else moving in with me in my place. (For some reason, the difference feels huge.) I didn’t have anyone to lean on – I was the newcomer in a strange new territory.

My work was just a few blocks away from her place, so it made sense that I would move in with her. No matter how many times I repeated it to myself, I was still scared – and the relationship still scares me, almost every single day.

But that’s how I know we have what it takes to last – because I’m afraid of each new step, instead of following a strict game plan. Here’s why your best relationship is going to scare you, too.

Your relationship is built on respect – for yourself, your relationship, and each other.

In a relationship that’s built on convenience, you’re probably less likely to be afraid of losing it. However, a relationship built on a solid foundation of respect is really hard to risk losing, so you’re more afraid that something is going to screw it up. You try harder not to lose it, because you’re afraid of how it’ll affect you if you do.

For once, you have something to lose – your happiness is tied to this person.

You believe in the relationship, and you see the future with this person. Let’s all be honest here, you don’t see a future with every person you ever date. Once you’re emotionally invested in the person, you’re afraid of losing something you worked so hard to build.

This person makes you feel safer than you feel when you’re alone.

When the right person comes along, you feel invincible – and the thought of reclaiming your vulnerability terrifies you. You’ve never felt particularly weak, but now that you know how true strength feels, you can’t imagine going back to how it used to be.

Your self-esteem is tied to them, too.

The right person teaches you how to fully love yourself – even the parts that others have made you feel guilty about. Instead of putting the relationship first, they’ve taught you that it’s okay to follow your happiness – they’ll be right there beside you. The thought of not having them beside you is suddenly unbearable.

They make you feel like the best version of yourself.

Your best relationship is going to bring out the things you never thought you could feel about yourself, and you feel like those things may be somehow related to this person. While we know that this is really just a part of ourselves we never saw before, we’re afraid that we’ll lose that part of ourselves if we lose them. We’re afraid that we can’t be that person without their help.

You’re trusting her not to break your heart.

And if that’s not a scary thought, I don’t know what is. Especially if you’re not used to feeling that close to someone – falling in love can be a whirlwind of emotions. It’s important that you keep your emotions in perspective and remember the worth you have on your own. If you suspect that your relationship might be abusive or manipulative, please do seek help.