Tag Archives: advice

9 Ways To Tell If The Girl You Like Is Interested In You

It’s so hard to tell sometimes if a girl is into you or just being polite. The only way to be 100% sure is to just ask her outright, but hay, if she says ‘I like you and all that, but…’ then there is a good chance your self-esteem will hit the ground and your embarrassment level reaches the roof, so we’ve come up with some signs that might help you work out if she’s into you or not.


She Always Discusses Her Queerness With You

If she talks about being queer a lot with you, how she came out, what being queer means to her or how she perceives being queer there is a good chance this is a hint, especially if she looks intensely at you while she is speaking.


She Gives You Direct Compliments

Does she tell you she thinks you are beautiful, or she loves your eyes or tells you how smart you are? If yes, we tend to do this indirectly towards someone we like. Another clincher is if you are a redhead for example and she drops into conversation ‘oh, I have a real thing for redheads.’


She is Awkward Around You

Sometimes when someone likes you they become really awkward in your presence so if she gets tongue tied, blushes or simply becomes socially awkward when she is with you or around you this could be an indication you are rocking her boat.


She Remembers Things You Have Said

When a person pays attention to what you are saying and absorbs the information it is normally a sign that they are interested in what you are talking about and are interested in you. The chances are that she remembers your favourite wine or she asks you how your presentation went at work that she told you about you might well be in there.


She Spends A Lot Of Time With You

Whether she spends time with you on your own or in a group, if she always seems to be where you are this is a good hint that she likes you and enjoys your company.


She Acts Differently Around You

Many girls behave differently around the person they are attracted to, for example, they are more giggly, flirty or touchy – feely, so try and watch how she behaves around others. If she seems to be different around you there is a chance you might be onto something.


She Touches You A Lot

We don’t mean that she grabs your butt as you walk past, but if she seems to touch your arm when she speaks, or moves your hair from your face these signs can be a form of flirting for some women.


Lots Of Communication

Do you get lots of texts from her, or lots of interaction from her on social media? We all live busy lives so meeting face to face can be difficult so if the girl you like has suddenly been communicating with you a lot more then she might well be keen on you too.


It Seems More Than Like

A person that gives you thoughtful little gifts, makes eye contact with you constantly, always wants to buy you drinks and you ‘sense’ she likes you there is a probably a good chance she does! Sometimes trusting our inner voice is the most reliable source we have so if your heart tells you she’s into you, go for it because deep down you know all the signs are there.

12 Charming Ways to Impress Her on the First Date

First dates can be terrifying as well as exciting, especially if you are really into the girl. So what is the best way to behave to make sure you leave her desperate to see you again? Follow these tips below for the best way to bag that second date.


Don’t Panic

Try not to panic as there is nothing worse than going on a date with someone that is acting clumsy and has sweaty hands because she is nervous, so try to stay calm. It is only a date after all.


Do Your Research

Without acting like a stalker check out her social media pages and ask any mutual friends a little bit about her so you can find out what kind of person she is.


Be Early

There is nothing better than seeing your date sat waiting for you when you arrive as it shows that your date is keen, so arrive a little bit early and whatever you do, don’t be late.


Mention Things You Know About Her

If you found out that she loves animals or has a hobby, mention it to her. She’ll be really flattered that you tried to find out some things about her.


Ask Her Questions About Her Likes And Dislikes

The best way to get to know someone is to ask them. So if you love to surf or travel, ask her if she enjoys it as well. Ask her what her favourite films are and what she enjoys doing the most. It will show her that you are keen to get to know her and girls just love to feel they are interesting to someone else.


Tell Her She Looks Nice

Your date may have made an effort and bought something new, or she might have just arrived in her casual clothes that she feels comfortable in. But if you think she looks great, tell her so. She’ll love the fact you notice how she looks.


Accept Any Compliments She Gives You

If your date compliments you on your outfit or hairstyle accept the compliment and thank her. Having the ability to accept a compliment shows a little confidence in yourself and that is a good characteristic to have.


Choose Foods To Eat That You Are Comfortable With

Depending on what you have agreed to do for the evening, if it involves eating make sure you choose foods that you enjoy or are comfortable eating. If you know when you eat a burger that most of it ends up down your tee-shirt a first date is not the time to show her this and besides you won’t enjoy your meal or her company if you are too busy stressing over getting in a mess.


Be Open To Her Suggestions

It’s not so important where you go on your first date but if she suggests she would like to go and see a local band play then go along with it, even if it’s not your idea of a first date. You can always be the one to decide where to go for your second date.


Flirt A Little

Don’t be afraid to flirt with her a little bit. It will make her feel special and will let her know that you are into her. You will also be able to tell how she feels about you if she flirts back and there is nothing better than building up to a goodnight snog at the end of the evening.


Be Yourself

Whatever you do, don’t try to pretend to be something you are not. If she’s a techno geek and you can barely work your cell phone, don’t tell her you’re a geek as well. Let her get to know and see the real you. After all, getting to know each other is all part of the fun.


Have Fun

Finally, try to have fun. If you are getting on well and you enjoy yourself, it’s a great sign that this could be the start of something great. Even if it turns out you are not that compatible romantically you might have made a new friend and having fun together is important no matter which direction your relationship takes.

The Emotional Roller Coaster Women Endure When PMSing At The Same Time As Their Girlfriend

Coping with PMS is a nightmare for any woman, queer or straight, but when you are PMSing with your boo as well it is a complete nightmare. As our cycles strangely synch with our partners over time it means that we are not only coping with our own hormones flying all over the place but we are coping with our partner’s as well.

Plus, who can give us those reassuring hugs that we so desperately need right before our period? Not your partner if she is PMSing as well that’s for sure, because there is a chance you would both self-combust due to our higher body temperatures during this time.

Below is the journey we endure with our partners as we cope with our joint PMS together.


Impeding Feelings Of Doom

Those feelings that something terrible is going to happen are horrible and what is worse is when you mention them to your partner, she also feels the same. So, there are no reassuring hugs that everything is OK, there is no logical talking that nothing bad is going to happen, it’s just your PMS taking over. Instead the pair of you simply sink into a depression together until your period arrives and life seems less scary again.


Fighting About Nothing

To say our tolerance during PMS is low is probably an understatement. Which means things that normally never bother you become the biggest problems ever as you shout at your girlfriend for leaving the milk out of the fridge and she hollers back at you for not putting the bread back in the bread bin. Sound familiar? Yes, we know why we are acting the way we are, but boy, it’s just so hard to stop because our PMS pretty much turn us into hormone raged monsters with no self-control or logic apparent for at least a few days.


Searching For Subtext In Your Fights

While we are arguing over nonsense with our boo we can’t focus on anything else at that time, but when we eventually calm down we then start thinking that perhaps it’s not just because of our PMS and perhaps there are deeper reasons why our girlfriend is so argumentative.  As we are thinking these things it slips our mind that our partner is likely to be having the exact same thoughts as well.


The Big Talk

Not content with fighting, wallowing and imagining all sorts many of us then decide to go one step further and end up having a deep and meaningful talk with our girlfriend about all kinds of heavy things that we wouldn’t dare say normally. Before you know it, you are talking about marriage and children and life insurance, even if a few hours ago, you were both biting each other’s heads off. The result? These talks normally end in tears with both of you feeling rejected that you don’t both want the same things and it is a sure sign that your relationship is doomed, when the reality is you are simply seeking validation from your partner because of the way you are feeling but unfortunately, she is seeking the same and neither of you can give the other what they need just now.


Realization

Then a few days later the reasons become crystal clear as your period arrives. While most women groan as they see the blood, chicas PMSing together leap for joy because it means your relationship is not doomed, your boo is not sleeping with your best friend and nothing bad is going to happen at all. It was simply your period.


Sexual Tension

Unfortunately, that feeling of joy doesn’t stay for long as it then means you and your partner can’t have sex and as with all things forbidden, this simply means we want it more. So, we go through the sexual tension when all we want to do is show our girlfriend how much we love them and all we want to do is to make them groan in pleasure as our way of apologizing. But we can’t because nature is not going to allow either of us to do any going down for the next week. Back comes the depression.


Post period sex

The last part of our roller coaster ride is the best. It’s like the sun is out, the sky is blue and the flowers smell wonderful, no matter what time it year it is. The bleeding has stopped and now you can both have the most mind-blowing sex ever – well the best for at least a month since you had your last bout of post period sex. This lasts for around 18 days until you get that text from your girlfriend telling you she doesn’t think you respect her hamster. And the whole sorry cycle starts all over again…


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9 Reasons Why Butch/Femme Relationships Still Rock

Lots of femme queers adore butch women and vice versa so here are the top reasons why butch and femme relationships are simply the best.


Butch – Femme Couples get attention

There is nothing better than making a bold statement and when people look and question ‘is it a guy and a girl’ or ‘is that two girls?’ it gives the straights something to think about and that is a deffo positive.


The relationship is non-conventional

Despite people thinking that a butch/femme couple are simply copying hetro conventions of a guy/girl partnership, nothing is further from the truth. Butch women don’t want to be men, they just like the more masculine image. Plus, femme girls don’t want to be with a man, or they would be. So, a butch/femme set up is unconventional.


Idiots simply don’t get it

Amazingly, many people don’t understand a butch – femme relationship at all and in some cases, they are convinced that the butch girl is a man anyway, despite what they are told. However, playing with people’s perceptions, expectations and assumptions are all part of the territory when it comes to butch-femme relationships.


Your styles are completely different

The days of sharing clothes, grooming products and perfume are long gone in a butch- femme relationship. There is no chance you are going to look like identical twins when you go out and its cool that neither of you have to worry that your favourite boyfriend jeans or designer heels are going to be pinched by your partner.


There are no arguments over identities

Who is Jack and who is Rose? No questions needed on that one in a butch/femme relationship. It’s quite clear from the offset.


Boxers Vs Lace

Firstly, take off the jeans then slip off the dress. Down to lingerie and jockeys. There is nothing hotter than that. Besides, when they come off you are both the same and know exactly what to do. Totally hot and totally cool and a time for gender playtime.


Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

Surely these two are the hottest pair around and a fine example of a butch/femme partnership enjoying everything it has to offer.


Opposites attract

They sure do. One likes the hairdressers, painted nails and sexy dresses. The other likes jeans, sports and drinking from a pint. But the most important thing is you like each other and adore your differences.


It annoys bigots

Apparently to femme women are more acceptable than a butch and femme together? Why? Because bigots think two women are only around to give men a hard dick. Sorry to limp your stick but bigots – get used to it! The butch/femme combo is here to stay and if it annoys you – tough!

11 Reasons Introverts Make The Best Girlfriends

Are you considering dating an introvert? If you’ve never dated an introvert before, let me tell you: We’re a special breed.

We’re generally calm and shy, at least until we get to know someone.

We’re more comfortable in a one-on-one setting than we are in large groups, and it can take us time to get comfortable enough to bare our souls.

We might be insecure, and we need appreciation, trust, and love just as much as (if not more than) our extroverted peers. Still, that doesn’t mean that introverts are boring or over-emotional – here are 11 reasons why introverts are actually the best.


1. We’re totally faithful.

It takes time for an introvert to actually fall for someone – and we definitely don’t take relationships lightly. We’d rather play it safe than take unnecessary risks, so we’re not going to have any wild oats to sow. We know that faithfulness creates a deeper bond, and we would rather have one deeper connection than just a series of trysts.


2. We’re great listeners.

Introverts understand how important it is to communicate clearly, so we pay attention to every detail of the things our girlfriends tell us. We want to make sure we have the most well-crafted answers, so we take time to process things before responding. Introverts know just how precious words can be, too, so we’ll even listen to the things you don’t say.


3. We’ll give you space.

Introverts recharge in our alone time so that we can handle the drain of the crowd. This alone time means a lot to us, but it also gives you the opportunity to do your own thing. We aren’t clingy, and we won’t stand in the way of your hobbies. You do you – we’ll be here waiting when you get back.


4. We’re empathetic.

Introverts are especially in touch with our intuition and our surroundings, so we can pick up on the changes in mood and feelings. This means that we’d never say something just to hurt you, because your happiness is our happiness. You’re our rock in this world – so we’re devoted to helping keep you solid.


5. We’re more thoughtful than most.

Introverts don’t rush into things or jump to conclusions – making us excellent gift-givers. We won’t buy you a gift just because tradition calls for something, because we know what you really like and would rather get you something that made us think of you. We’re also better on paper, so you can expect some love notes or doodles from time to time.


6. We’re honest.

Introverts are knowledgeable and self-aware, and we keep firm control over our words. That means there’s no time for insincerity or dishonesty – that falls under the category of “small talk” which is to be avoided. We’d rather have a deep, honest chat that allows us to be selective about the words we use.


7. We’re more energetic than you might expect.

While introverts often thrive in the areas of logic and reason, we’re also passionate about the things that matter to us – and we’d love to share that passion with you sometime, if we feel comfortable with you. We would prefer not to argue, but when disagreements do come up, we’d rather explain our perspective than hash it out. Most of the time, though, we’re bubbly and loving once you get past the hard exterior.


8. We plan our actions.

Introverts don’t just pick something on a whim – choices take thought and careful planning to make sure we know what we’re getting ourselves into. We consider our options carefully before moving forward. This extends to the people we choose to keep around ourselves, too – we’d rather have a small, selective group than a bunch of acquaintances, so if you make it to our inner circle, be assured that you’re very special to us.


9. We crave intimacy.

Introverts would rather have “real” than “instant” – so we’ll take our time to form a sincere bond. We are the masters of the one-on-one relationship, and we’d rather solve our problems without gossiping about them. We have no time for shallow conversations, but when you get us onto a topic we feel strongly about, we’d love to hear your thoughts.


10. We’ll teach you new things.

Introverts know the importance of slowing down, which makes us great at analyzing and learning about things. We share our most insightful observations with the people who matter to us, and we might even notice things about you that you’d never noticed before. We can even teach you how to appreciate the little moments!


11. We’ll understand.

Introverts are naturally drawn to problem-solving, and we see mysteries as challenges we need to conquer. We look closely at every side of an issue before we form our opinions about it, which gives us next-level perspective over things. We can offer possible explanations and solutions for the struggles in life, and we’ll be there to support you as you make your way through them.


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5 Kinds Of Orgasms You Should Have More Often

Many women have difficulty reaching orgasm. There are a lot of different reasons for it, too – ranging from medical conditions to insecurities and even relationship troubles (or inexperience). Often, it can seem like you’ve just got to find a type of orgasm you can have, and stick with that one – but that might not be the best solution for your Big O’s.

Having a variety of orgasms in your sexual repertoire makes things more exciting, and it can even help increase the chances that you have an orgasm. Not everyone responds in exactly the same ways, so it’s important to know what your options are.

1. The Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is generally considered the standard when it comes to female orgasms. It’s usually the easiest for most women to achieve – gentle, but direct clitoral stimulation will generally do the trick here. The clitoral orgasm can be recognized by its short, throbbing, localized feeling.

If you’re not getting this one as often as you’d like, try taking matters into your own hands. Masturbation helps you to become more comfortable with your body and your desires. Whenever possible, assist your partner, too! Most women find communication during sex sexy, and it’ll probably help you reach orgasm easier, too.

2. The Skin Orgasm

Classical music lovers may be familiar with this orgasm: that goosebump-y feeling you get when listening to a strong, sharp crescendo or other rapidly-changing musical numbers. Medically, this phenomenon is called “frissons,” and may cumulate in a gentle orgasm. Scientists think that this happens when the brain is forced to change the direction of thoughts quickly, such as when there is a sudden change in a piece of music.

Officially, this type of orgasm is only scientifically linked with classical music, but the researchers think that it may be limited to songs the listener recognizes. As a music nerd myself, I can’t even count how many times a song has given me full-body chills – and, when this one happens alongside another type of orgasm… It’s absolutely magical.

3. The Vaginal or G-Spot Orgasm

A vaginal orgasm is longer-lasting and more widespread throughout the body than the skin or clitoral orgasms, and women who can achieve a vaginal orgasm are more likely to be able to have multiple orgasms. However, not every woman can have a vaginal orgasm – one of the most important reasons to experiment with different types of sex with your partner.

If you’re looking to experience a vaginal orgasm for the first time, or if you’re not having them as often as you’d like to, try out some new positions and give yourself time. For best results, you’ll want to be penetrating from behind, and wiggling at the front wall of the cervix. The longer you allow yourself to get there, the more likely your success – so take your time and enjoy the journey!

4. The Blended Orgasm

For those who may be unfamiliar with the blended orgasm, this is when you experience simultaneous clitoral and G-spot orgasms – resulting in what medical literature refers to as a “giant orgasm” which lasts between 1 and 15 minutes. This massive orgasm is one of the strongest types of orgasms a woman can have, and it’ll most likely put you off your feet for a few minutes, at least.

This type of orgasm requires a bit more effort, but it’s definitely worth it. You’ll want to position yourselves in a way that you can stimulate the clitoris and the G-spot at the same time, and communicate throughout the entire process. Make sure to communicate which parts need a little more attention, and which parts are getting uncomfortable or sore!

5. The Coregasm

Believe it or not, those exercise enthusiasts really know what they’re talking about – “runner’s high” might be a type of coregasm. Unlike other orgasms which often start from the outside of the body and work their way inward, a coregasm starts in the body’s core and then extends outward through the extremities and into the genital region. This type of orgasm is mild, but pleasurable, and most commonly comes during intense periods of exercise.

To try achieving a core orgasm for yourself, start with a cardio pump-up. You want to get your heart racing first, then switch to core strength exercise once you’ve worked up a good sweat. Work yourself to the point of fatigue, and keep pushing yourself just a bit further – they most often come right as you’re hitting your “second wind,” so to speak.


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Two Clueless Girls And A Gay Man Visit A Sex Shop

Like all good stories, it all started after sex. As me and my girlfriend were lying in bed, about to fall asleep, she came up with an idea:

“Do you wanna try… you know…” I didn’t know.

After a ridiculous amount of tries, I finally figuring out what she meant and the plan for the day was set: we were going to a sex shop to buy a strap on.

But where do we find one? What are we even looking for in a strap on? Girth? Size? Colour?

Me, a recent non-virgin; her a goldstar lesbian, where both entering uncharted territory. It was time to consult the one man I could trust with all our questions, my flatmate and fellow gay man.

We decided to go to the sex shop right next to my flat, which proudly holds a sign upfront saying “sex supermarket”…I was already apprehensive. I mean, why would they choose the word supermarket, it’s not like I am going there for a dildo and bread?!

I was quite surprised by how big the store itself was and how white, clean, and neatly organized everything was. Rows after rows of sex toys, ranging from leather jockstraps all the way to the biggest dildo I’ve seen ever seen in my life. To put it mildly, it was hard to know where to start.

Bear in mind, I live in a city in Central Europe, so, to my amusement but not surprise, there was a whole section of porn VHS cassettes that looked straight from the 80s.

But why did everything seem so damn big? And veiny?

We did end up considering buying a small purple strap on which my flatmate could only describe as “cute”, although we ended up not buying it since, as my girlfriend put it, “It reminds me of Barney and I am quite sure that’s a turn off”.

Empty handed but not discouraged, we left the store and decided to bet on an online store. So far, the hunt has lead us to a complete dead-end although I am sure we will eventually find something suitable.

Tel us about your first experience at a sex shop! Do you have any suggestions when it comes to sex toys?

Safe Sex For Queer Women

A new safe sex video has just been released to bring awareness about protection during sex for queer women. Standard sex education in schools for example are only ever aimed at heterosexuals and offer no advice for lesbian or bisexual women at all. Queer men are made aware about using condoms, but what is out there for queer women to protect them from STDS or infections?

A BuzzFeed Yellow video series entitled “In The Closet,” with Jen and Niki (who both identify as lesbians), took on the topic of ‘safe sex for women’ in a charming, hilarious, but also very important video advising queer women how to stay safe while having sex.

Here are two important pointers that they make in the video:


Dental Dams

Dental Dams are the female version of a condom. A dental dam is a thin piece of latex which can be pressed up against the vagina during oral sex. It can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases and infections penetrating through the tongue of a woman giving oral sex and help prevent the woman who is receiving the oral sex from contracting anything via her partner’s tongue.


Asking your partner when they last got tested

This is obviously the first thing that a woman should do before she has sex with another woman. It’s so important for women, both queer and straight to get tested regularly to make sure they are not carrying any STDs or infections and being open and honest with a new sexual partner is important to keep yourself protected.

Why Gender Roles Are Bad for Your Relationship

Do you and your partner conform to traditional gender roles?

Less and less couples seem to follow the strict patterns set out in past generations, but there’s still enough attention on it that people give you a funny look when they find out you don’t follow the traditional paths. I’ll admit that I’ve been in heteronormative relationships myself, although they’re definitely not my favorite.

It’s more than just a personal preference, though – there are actually a bunch of reasons why being in a relationship with rigid expectations is so hard on you – and we’ve rounded up 8 of the biggest.


Gender roles make things a lot less interesting.

When you’re dating someone, you want to be dazzled and surprised, right? Well, gender roles take out quite a bit of the mystery involved, making the whole relationship a lot less exciting. It applies a rigid set of rules for each partner, even if one of the partners doesn’t understand or accept the expectations set forth. What’s even creepier is the fact that it promotes obedience and conformity over personality and individuality. Which, let’s face it, are two of the most important things in a partner. Do you really want to be with someone who’s exactly like everyone else?

That’s not to say that you can’t do the traditionally-expected roles in your relationship – and, in fact, it might be the easiest and most fitting option for you and your partner. But it shouldn’t be an expectation – it should be a serious personal decision from each of you. If you’re simply expecting your partner to perform a certain set of duties, without discussing your expectations, there’s a problem. Your partner needs to confirm that they are able and willing to meet your expectations, or else help come up with a compromise that makes you both happy.


Gender roles invalidate autonomy.

None of the roles we play in life are actually permanent or well-defined – but as humans we try to make sense of the chaos, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is to grab onto a definition that’s already out there, and ride it out until we know otherwise. But just because that’s the easiest way to do it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it – and, in fact, everything in life is involved by everyone directly involved, and literally no one else. Your love life and your home life are no exception here.

Automatically applying gender roles to a relationship takes away the opportunity for a serious conversation about each partner’s likes, dislikes, and expectations in the relationship. You may find out that you both have specific roles you want to perform in the relationship, and that those roles are complementary – great! But if you don’t ever talk about it, you’ll never actually know if your partner is happy. And, if you never revisit those roles when situations change, you may be forcing your partner into a box they’ve outgrown, which is never fun for anyone.


Gender roles are heteronormative AF.

While gender roles are not really great for any relationship, they are definitely more disadvantageous to those who don’t fit within the traditional male/female relationship binary balance. Relationships that involve two men, two women, or any other combination of two or more people are already set back from the time they leave the gate, because the natural balance of things won’t be well-defined at all.

The truth is that very few, if any, romantic or sexual relationships can be fit into such a tight mold, even in the cishetero community. Allowing gender roles to run your relationship normalizes “polar opposite” behavior, which leaves room for resentment and frustration from any partner who doesn’t fit the outlines set out for them. And, of course, it unnecessarily genders things that really don’t need to be gendered. I mean, just think about it for a second: If gender roles were real, lesbians would spend all day cuddling and crying, and gay male couples would spend all day fighting and having sex – every single day. Doesn’t sound too realistic now, does it?


Gender roles place barriers on self-improvement.

It’s human nature to want to be a better version of ourselves whenever and in whatever ways we can, but the idea that we fit into a specific role that was predefined before we were even born takes away our mental abilities to make ourselves better. Society says that women (and “more feminine” partners) should be tidy and organized, culinary goddesses, and – of course – that they should be caring and nurturing every minute of every day. Men (and “more masculine” partners), on the other hand, are expected to be shot-callers, income-bringers, and aggressive protectors – without ever acknowledging their own emotions.

But, the perfect partner is all of those things and so much more. The only issue here is that perfection should be a personal journey – not a stipulation one must adhere to before your love is given. Life doesn’t actually come with an easy-to-understand instruction manual, and our journeys toward being a good partner, a good person, and even a good parent (if we so choose) are all separate journeys. They each deserve their own attention, and trying to let your relationship define all three journeys for you leaves no room for what you really want. Again, if the things you want are defined by a traditional structure, then more power to you, but you must reach that conclusion for yourself.


Emotions get manipulated and assumed within the roles.

In a traditional binary relationship, the more masculine partner gets all the control, while being discouraged from being “soft.” Expressions of one’s emotions are seen as a weakness, with the exception of anger and aggression. It assumes that what the more masculine partner says goes, because there’s no way that the partner’s emotions could be getting in the way of things.

The more feminine partner, on the other hand, is discouraged from showing any sort of aggression or frustration – and it’s assumed that stress is just a part of the partner’s life, to be swallowed and dealt with alone. Requesting help is frowned on, too, because this partner is supposed to be the one taking requests and demands, not handing them out. If she does request help, it’s often seen as “nagging.”

But humans don’t usually fall into such strict definitions, as we’ve already discussed. Holding back your emotions isn’t good for everyone, and traditional gender roles are built around the idea of keeping your emotions to yourself. Communication is such an important part of any relationship, it’s hard to picture how anyone could be happy without that line of communication being open!


Gender roles favor one person indefinitely.

Remember when we said that your roles in life are not permanent or well-defined? Well, that means that those roles are bound to change at some point – either circumstantially or through clarifications. Your “place” in the relationship needs to be flexible to make up for those changes, or else the relationship will fall apart right when you need each other the most. If the “breadwinner” in the family gets injured and can’t work, will the “nurturer” be able to pick up the pieces and take over that section of your lives together?

The idea that your roles are pre-defined and inflexible also leads to feelings of resentment and frustration, even if there’s never a major crisis on the horizon. We tend to resent things we feel like we “have to” do – which takes all the romance out of otherwise-loving gestures. Because, believe it or not, doing something that makes your partner happy is pretty much the most loving gesture you can possibly do, but they need to go both directions.


Gender roles kill your sex life, too.

Too much rigidity and structure in the bedroom is no fun for anyone – one of the best parts about a healthy sexual relationship is excitement and a willingness to try new things. When one partner is expected to do more of the “giving” and the other partner more of the “receiving” – with no attention paid to actual desire levels – your sexual relationship can start to veer toward super unhealthy behaviors, fast.

Beyond that, one partner’s needs and wants should never be more important than the others, so assuming that your partner only needs sex when you need sex, or that they always want it when you want it, will inevitably lead to a sex life that feels more like a chore than an intimate act. (And, for those of you who didn’t know, most studs like orgasms, too. Make sure you spread that one around because a lot of women don’t even bother to try.)


TBH, very few people actually enjoy cleaning.

One of the most frustrating gender roles I personally deal with regularly is the idea of cooking and cleaning. Some people truly are tidy, well-organized, and keep a spotless living area. They easily squeeze in the cleaning in between everything else they have going on, and literally never put off cleaning up after themselves and their partners. I am not one of those people. Cooking and cleaning are not very high up on my list of priorities, but things do get done. If I was with a partner who expected me to do all the housework without any help, it would never work out.

When both partners have commitments outside of the home – whether work, school, volunteer activities, or whatever else you may have going on – time is already pretty limited. Not only do you need to fit in your not-home activities, but you’ve also got to leave time for yourself and to focus on your relationship, too. When all the household expectations fall to one partner, there are sacrifices that must be made to compensate for that time. Why should one partner’s time be more valuable than the other’s? Adulting sucks – but dumping all the burden on one person sucks more.

8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Achieving Orgasm

Every day we are bombarded by the media that everyone is enjoying perfect sex with perfect unity resulting in perfect orgasms. But the truth is that’s not real life! Many women find it hard to orgasm, some women only orgasm occasionally and others have never orgasmed at all. There are many other things to enjoy while having sex and achieving orgasm is just a bonus, not the one and only focus. So here are 8 other reasons that explains why the big ‘O’ is not the most important thing between the sheets.


Being Intimate

Intimacy is so much more important than an orgasm. It’s what makes us feel emotionally and physically close to our partner, the feel of their skin against yours and the pleasure we get from exploring our partner’s bodies. Enjoy the intimacy and take in your partner’s whole body, not just worry about the genital area.


Feeling Pressured

If from the first kiss the moment you start to get passionate your brain starts to think ‘I need to orgasm’ then you are putting yourself and your partner under unnecessary and unhelpful pressure. Besides this, you are very unlikely to orgasm if your mind is thinking the whole time that you must because then you won’t be relaxed enough to enjoy the experience. Even if you don’t orgasm you will still have a good time so stop pressurizing yourself.


Desire

Sometimes it’s enough to just know that your partner desires you, wants to please you and think you are sexy as hell. That can be an amazing feeling and does wonders for the self-esteem so if you do orgasm at the end of it it’s a double bonus, but if you don’t you will still be sexy and desirable to your partner, so all is good.


No Orgasm Is Better Than Faking It

Some women think their partner will feel useless if they do not orgasm and so therefore they will fake one rather than let them think they are no good in bed. This is not healthy in a relationship at all. IF your partner finds out she won’t feel good about it because a relationship should be based on honesty and pretending to cum when you haven’t isn’t really being honest, is it?


Dirty Talk

Talking dirty to your partner can be a turn on for both of you. It’s something you can pretty much do any time any place. You can send her a text at work, whisper in her ear when you are out together or even put sexy notes in her bag. There is something quite thrilling about dirty talk and can be a major turn on without the need of even touching.


Enjoy Your Partner’s Big ‘O’

Try not to feel envious if your partner manages to orgasm and you don’t. Enjoy her pleasure and feel good that you took her there. Sex can be enjoyed in so many ways and knowing you drive your partner mad with desire is something to feel good about, regardless if you orgasm yourself or not.


Play Time

Bringing play into the bedroom can be tremendous fun, whether it’s handcuffs, blindfolds, ice cubes or feathers, all can give a great deal of sensory pleasure and evoke sensations that are enjoyable.


Being Together

Many couples will say the best times they have had with their partner is when they are doing things like watching a movie together, doing silly things like having a water fight or simply just eating pizza and watching a box set. Most of our best memories are not based on the best orgasm we had.


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How To Be A Narcissist’s Soul Mate

Quick show of hands: Who has sat by and watched as their BFF invested her whole life into this one person who couldn’t have been more wrong for her? Most people have seen someone else showing signs that they’re in a dysfunctional relationship. They fight all the time, maybe they even break up every other week… Yet still they’re together for what seems like ages, each too stubborn to let the other one go.

Now, are you ready for a little bit of ugly truth? You’ve probably been one of those people, too. Everyone has different tolerances in relationships, and there are a number of factors that make someone more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Believe it or not, some of those things don’t spell out ultimate destruction, either – it is possible to be the soul mate to a narcissistic partner. Some people are more conditioned to be OK with that type of behavior. But everyone has their own boundaries, of course, and different situations will breed different coping mechanisms.

Curious how to make it work? Find the scenario that you feel applies best to you, and discover what that means for the future of your relationship.


You feel comfortable with your partner’s behavior.

To outsiders, your partner seems completely wrong for you. Maybe she’s mean, aggressive, needy, or otherwise not a good fit. But, to you, it’s all part of the dating game – you’ve got a pretty good handle on diffusing a hostile situation.

Or maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe you’re actually the narcissist, choosing to express yourself through passive-aggressive quips when it’s just the two of you. Your partner gets frustrated by your inability to show your anger in a productive way, and occasionally lashes out at you. While onlookers see this as abusive behavior, you two see that your partner is actually helping you find ways to better handle your emotions.

This situation can essentially be summed up as “other people don’t know the whole story.” The people who aren’t involved with your relationship usually can’t see what goes on behind closed doors (unless you’re the type to post your business on social media, but that’s another discussion for another day.) If you become concerned with the situation you’re in, professional relationship counseling may be a good choice for you – but you shouldn’t do it solely on other people’s recommendation. Only you know what you can handle, and only you know what’s really going on here. Act accordingly.


You’re used to fighting and then making up.

Some people are conditioned to be more OK with the fight/make up cycle than others. Whether you had parents or guardians who fought and loved passionately, or you personally react that way in relationships, you may be better equipped to handle the stresses that come with a yo-yo love like this. In fact, you are probably most comfortable in a relationship with someone who somehow reminds you of the person or people who raised you – it’s a psychological fact.

On the other side of things, you understand that everyone gets selfish and narcissistic sometimes – and that definitely includes you. You can see that your partner just needs a little more love (or a bit of distance, as appropriate), and you’re willing to help your partner come back around. For most people, narcissism is a temporary state, and it will pass in time – it only becomes a problem if it’s the default state of your relationship.

In this type of situation, it’s important that you each have your own established set of boundaries that you can both agree to. A true loving partnership entails that each partner wants to make the other happy, without sacrificing pieces of themselves in the process. If necessary, you may choose to turn to professional counseling to ensure that you’re taking the healthiest steps you can in your relationship.


You have learned to detach yourself from other people’s bad behavior.

In life, we learn how to set effective emotional boundaries – and that means removing blame on yourself for something that didn’t really have anything to do with you. It’s possible that you have managed to do this without consciously thinking about it, which would make you less vulnerable in high-energy, high-stakes relationships like yours.

Or, maybe those boundaries didn’t come into play until after you’d gotten with your ill-behaved partner. Understanding why they act the way they do can help you to distance yourself from the negativity, especially if there are mental illness issues to blame for the bad behavior. It’s not fail-proof, of course, but practicing acknowledging your own behavior and that of your partners – and seeing clear lines between the two – can help to cultivate the skill further.

However, just because you’re properly shielded against the hurt your partner’s behavior may cause doesn’t automatically mean that you shouldn’t seek help from a professional counselor, if that’s what you feel you need. In many cases, mental health issues can’t be managed without the help of a trained professional, and it’s a good idea to rule out any chance of unhealthy behaviors on your part, as well. In order for this approach to be effective, however, you’ll both need to be on board with the idea of therapy – you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.


You might just be codependent.

Unfortunately, not all relationships with a narcissist are meant to last – even if they do. Some people are in a chronic state of unromantic behavior, and you might be sitting by and enabling their bad behavior to continue. It’s important to assess within yourself if your relationship is really bringing you any happiness, or if it only causes you pain.

Likewise, it’s possible that you’re overlooking your own narcissistic behavior, and your partner is a codependent enabler. Narcissists are often drawn to codependent people because they often accept and even encourage the narcissistic behaviors – particularly if their parents or guardians set the tone for them sacrificing their own sense of self in a relationship.

If you feel there’s any chance that your relationship is codependent rather than romantic, it’s recommended that you each seek individual counseling to help mend any underlying problems. It might not be possible to save this relationship you’re currently in, but the sooner you address your codependence issues, the better the chances of avoiding a disaster in the making. You should never put yourself on the back burner to someone else, nor should you want your partner to put themselves on the back burner for you – it’s important that you both put yourselves first without sacrificing each other. You’re worth it – and she is, too.


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Finally, Porn For and By Queer Women Of Color

SNAPSHOT is a complex and moving film about the identity/life of a queer woman of color.

Oh, and it’s porn.

It’s rare to find porn with a storyline. It’s even more rare to find porn made for queer women of color. So finding narrative-driven porn centering on the sexual experiences of queer women of color? Impossible.

SNAPSHOT is changing that.

This movie is more than straightforward porn. It’s a murder mystery. It’s a coming out story. It’s an introspective indie movie.

The official summary reads:

A freelance photographer and woman about town, Charlie has her sights set on Danny, an older butch in search of adventure and romance. Just as things are about to click, Charlie accidentally snaps a photo of a murder.  and becomes his new target. With a killer hot on her trail — and a new relationship developing — will Charlie find love… or her own demise?

Despite its dense plot, SNAPSHOT places sexuality front and center. It bills itself as both an “erotic suspense thriller” and a “sex-positive, queer porn production.” Over the course of the film, a woman named Danny begins to explore her sexuality with a younger butch lesbian. Meanwhile, the murder mystery unfolds, wrapping Danny and her lover in distress as they wrap each other in their arms.

In traditional porn, sex drives the narrative, if there is a narrative. In SNAPSHOT, the narrative drives the sex – and there is a lot of sex. Unlike in porn and in films like Blue is the Warmest Color and Boogie Nights, the sex in SNAPSHOT is not choreographed. The result is a natural, honest depiction of queer sexuality.

SNAPSHOT is also notable because it includes butch-on-butch sex scenes. Even in LGBT films, depictions of butch/butch relationships are rare; sex scenes are unheard of. Mainstream media tells us that butch bodies are undesirable, even repulsive in their rejection of hypersexualized femininity.

For SNAPSHOT to not only explore a butch/butch relationship but also depict its raw sexuality is a leap forward for queer cinema.

Who’s the powerhouse behind this film? Shine Louise Houston is a queer woman of color and award-winning filmmaker who has directed queer feminist porn in The Crashpad Series.

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She takes inspiration from Hitchcock’s Rear Window and Antonioni’s Blow Up. And she’s paving the way for other queer artists to explore the porn industry.

Interested? Learn more at SNAPSHOT’s official website and donate to the Indie GoGo campaign to make this film a reality.

Enjoying Oral Sex When You Feel Self Conscious

It’s surprising how many women feel self-conscious about receiving oral sex and some feel so uncomfortable they choose not to take part in oral sex at all. There appears to be a variety of reasons why women are self-conscious about it. Some women worry they won’t taste good, or their vagina doesn’t look ‘normal’ or they might not smell nice to their partner when they are ‘down there.’ But the truth of the matter is most women know that vagina’s come in all different shapes and sizes, there is no ‘perfect looking’ vagina at all. Women also have a unique taste and smell when aroused, again this is normal and your partner is not even thinking about these things while she is intent on giving you pleasure.

If you enjoy giving oral sex and it’s only receiving it that you find uncomfortable try to remember how you feel about giving it. Are you thinking your partner smells funny or thinking about the shape or size of her vagina? The answer is probably no, so it’s important for you to remember that she is not going to be thinking any differently than you do when she performs on you! So, if you have any of these doubts and worries that stop you from enjoying oral sex, don’t panic. We have some tips to help you overcome your insecurities.


Tell Your Partner How You Feel

Before attempting anything, it is vital you talk to your partner. Tell her how you feel and what your worries are. Be open and honest. She will probably help put your mind at rest when she tells you that she’s only interested in giving you pleasure and focuses on that point only and nothing else crosses her mind.


Learn To Relax

Firstly, it’s important to be relaxed. Relaxation techniques and exercises can really help you with this. Yoga is one example, or meditation. Our brains tend to overthink when we are not feeling relaxed so getting into the practise of relaxing is half the battle. Start learning to feel completely relaxed through whatever technique suits you best as once you master this it will be easier for the next stage.


Clear Your Mind

OK, this can be easier said than done, but with a bit of practise it is easy to achieve. Try to focus on what you are feeling, don’t let negative thoughts slip into your head. The best way to clear your mind is when you start to have thoughts creep in, take some silent deep breaths and count in your head, one for breathing in, two for breathing out. This way you are training your mind to focus on what you want it to focus on and not allowing your mind to run away with itself. It won’t take long for the pleasurable feelings you are having to push all other thoughts out of your mind and this takes you promptly to the next step.


Concentrate On The Sensations

Come on. It feels good, right? So, go with the flow.  Allow yourself to enjoy what is happening. Let yourself drift with the feelings of pleasure and relax enough so you can enjoy them. If you are relaxed, can clear your mind of negative thoughts and doubts then enjoying the sensation is the final step to take you to the point that you want to achieve.


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Things I Learned In My First Relationship

As an unchangeable introvert and overall hermit, finding that special someone has always been hard for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to date quite a lot, although all dates shared a common feature: uninterest. It was just another date night, when I met my first and current girlfriend, and oh boy have I learned a ton

about relationships since then!

Although I am no expert in the topic, here is a small list of things I have learned since I first started dating my  girlfriend.


1. Easy does it

In all past dates, I was always scrambling to find a common topic to talk about, desperately trying to avoid those few seconds of awkward silence in-between questions. Not with her. We were chatting non-stop for 3 hours, jumping from topic to topic while sharing endless glasses of wine in a dodgy bar. And awkward silence? There are plenty of moments of pure silence, where I just appreciate her company and let the wine sink in.


2. A new found appreciation for sleeping

I love slumber-parties but inevitably always hated going to sleep. Sharing the bed, (sometimes floor or camping mattress), with someone always ended up with me either sweating or shivering. Not with her. Cuddling up next to her and, better yet, waking up next to her, feels exponentially more comfortable than doing so alone. And, even more surprisingly, I went from being unable to nap, to falling asleep in her arms whenever I’ve had a rough day. I am not even joking, I still can’t nap alone.


3. Can we hang out later?

As previously mentioned, I am a natural introvert. If I spend more than a couple hours outside, I am dreaming of my couch and tea pretty much after the first 15 minutes. Not with her. I forgot to come home before a school day.

I. Forgot. To. Come. Home! Now, after a long day of classes and work, all I am dreaming of is my couch, my tea, and her. We mostly watch Harry Potter and SpongeBob, but I honestly couldn’t even begin to think of a better way to spend my free time.


4. Let’s talk about sex

Story time: Before meeting her, I was a virgin. So, the first time we had sex, I was quite clueless and the room was quite dark. Mid-sex, I ended up punching her nose, blood went everywhere and so did my will to live. Terrified and confused as hell, I tried to help the best I could, only to find her hysterically laughing while I got her some frozen peas and tissues. What did I learn? Sex is meant to be fun and sometimes, awkward situations happen!

We just talk/laugh about them and move on, mostly only bringing them back up to mock each other.


5. Balancing friends and a girlfriend is tough

I didn’t expect it to be so hard for me to keep up with school, work, check up on my friends AND date someone all at once. It’s super hard at times, and picking one over the other always ends up feeling horrible. I am still trying my hardest to keep up with everything and everyone, although it only gets harder and harder. Suggestions?

Thank you for making it through this very untypical and way too personal post. What was your first relationship like? Are you still together?


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15 Signs You May Be Polyamorous

You’ve never been good at relationships. You’ve tried, but something about them always felt…off. You can’t put your finger on why. But the thought of being tied to just one person makes your stomach churn.

Maybe you feel guilty or maybe you’re just confused. What the hell is going on? Are you just a horrible person who can’t be faithful?

Maybe you’re polyamorous.

If you’re polyamorous, that means you’re inclined to being romantically or sexually involved with more than one person at the same time.

Famous polyamorous people include Margaret Cho, Larry King, Myq Kaplan, Ayn Rand, Will Smith and every literally every man in the Old Testament.

You might be polyamorous if…

  • You believe that you have a lot of love to give, and that love should be spread out among multiple people.
  • You often have feelings for more than one person at a time.
  • You believe that loving one person doesn’t diminish the love you have for another person.
  • The idea of your partner with someone else doesn’t make you jealous.
  • In fact, maybe it turns you on.
  • You have trouble committing. You bristle at the thought of being tied down.
  • You believe that one person cannot meet all of your physical and emotional needs, and that they shouldn’t have to try.
  • You’ve tried monogamous relationships. When in a monogamous relationship, you felt trapped, you resented your partner, or you cheated.
  • You’ve had open relationships in the past, and they were amazing.
  • You believe that you have a lot to offer potential partners. You’re so amazing that it would be selfish to keep you all to yourself!
  • You love getting to know lots of new people. Life is about making deep soul-to-soul connections with people you never expected.
  • When you think about your future, you don’t envision marriage to one person. You hate the thought of a “normal” relationship that lasts until you die.
  • You are willing to be communicative and honest with your partner.
  • You are willing to take chances. You are willing to get hurt.
  • Your tattoo says, “The more the merrier.”

If several of those apply to you, then you may be polyamorous. Now what?

Read the polyamorous bible, The Ethical Slut, cover to cover.

Educate yourself by reading Polyamorous Lesbian Relationship Myths Busted.

Talk to your partner after reading Is Polyamory Right For You and Your Girlfriend?

Play devil’s advocate with Why Polyamory Won’t Work for You.

Check out the polyamorous meet-ups in your area.

And then take a chance!

5 Very Obvious Clues to Help You Know She’s into You

Gone are the days wherein you must pick flowers from the neighbor’s garden to tell if she’s into you or not. (Hopefully she is, yeah?)

Here are some of the most obvious giveaways you probably didn’t notice because you’re too busy drooling over her. (We understand, okay?)


She laughs a lot when she’s with you.

Okay, so maybe you’re just infinitely funny. But she laughs even when you’re not trying to joke. And at your most stupid ones. Really? How can you not know she may be into you more than you are into her?


She opens up.

Not everyone likes telling stories. Or the truth. When she opens up to you, it means she really trusts you. Which also automatically means she likes you in a way. You can do the math from there.


She’s (adorably) awkward beyond compare.

Uh, why else would she not be looking directly at you when chit-chatting? She’s a nervous wreck and it’s cute as hell. Don’t make fun of her clumsiness should it make an appearance, though. Instead, use it as a means of communicating with her. Let her know she’s got nothing to worry about. (And that you’re a klutz as well.)


She likes touching you.

Not that kind. Of course, it has to start somewhere. She’s almost always around you (albeit being a bit restless), and likes getting cozy, touchy-feely. Your arms, your shoulders. All that good stuff. You know the drill.


She asks you out.

Darling, that one-time dinner gig with friends isn’t just a one-time dinner gig with friends. I can’t believe you actually bought that weird ass excuse to get closer to you. She asked you out because she wanted to spend more time with you. She doesn’t care about dinner or friends. She wants you. Go get it, girl.


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The 7 Best Places to Have a Lesbian Date This Winter

Are you looking for a winter date idea that will help you make magical memories – without breaking the bank? Finding something fun (and warm!) to do during the colder months can be a bit of a chore in itself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ve gathered up 7 of the best inexpensive winter date ideas that can help you beat the cold and bring you closer together. Don’t believe me? Just take a look!


1. Ice skating at the local ice rink.

First, let me throw out a little disclaimer: Please do not try to go skating on a frozen pond. Maybe it’s just my own anxiety talking here, but the chances are pretty good that the pond isn’t frozen all the way through, and you may break the ice in the worst way possible. Instead, opt for a local ice rink – whether indoor or outdoor – and have fun pretending you’re a professional figure skater. Most ice rinks serve hot cocoa and/or cider, too, or you can bring a travel mug full of your own. The best part is, if you’re clumsy (like me) and fall on your bum, you’re already icing it – say goodbye to bruises and lumps and contusions.


2. Check out that local coffee shop.

Local shops sometimes have higher prices than international chains, but for good reason: You’re not supporting some billionaire somewhere… You’re supporting a small family-owned business that often pays its employees better, and at the very least, treats them better. Check out some warm drinks that you haven’t had the pleasure of trying – just make sure you get different things so you can taste each other’s, too. (I’m pretty fond of dirty chai myself, but your experience may be different.)


3. Go to the theater together.

It doesn’t really matter whether you’re going to the movie theater or a local theater production of some obscure musical. With one, you’ll get to see the newest movies to come out, on a much larger screen than you (probably) have at your house. With the other, you’ll get a bit of culture. No matter which you choose, you’ll be getting a perfect excuse to cuddle in public. Opt for a romance – studies show that discussing those movies (and, in theory, plays) with your partner and comparing the things you see with the things you’re actually doing increases the chances of having a satisfying relationship.


4. Hit up your local library.

If you and your partner are both book lovers, the library is a great place to find a new book obsession… Or just spend an afternoon “traveling” to foreign (or fantastical) lands. It’s one of the least expensive ways to experience another culture, and it helps keep the love of local libraries alive. Seriously, as much as I love my Kindle and the books I’ve purchased, sometimes you just want a good book without all the commitments.


5. Go on a picnic at a “summer location.”

Places like lakes, rivers, and community parks often get neglected in the winter time, because people don’t want to sit out in the cold. While I totally understand that side of things, there are almost certainly no crowds at these places right now, so if you want to engage in a little PDA but one of you isn’t “out” yet, off-season is a great time to cuddle up in your warmest clothes. And besides, water sounds are calming anyway – wouldn’t it be nice to leave the stresses behind? (Assuming, of course, your local body-of-water isn’t frozen over… I repeat, do not try to ice skate on it if it is.)


6. Go on a road trip (if weather conditions are safe to do so).

Driving through sleet and snow can be scary and dangerous, but if you live somewhere it doesn’t get quite so grey and gloomy, most people are going to be staying inside. Take advantage of the open roads on non-holidays to play road games, make small (or big!) talk, and listen to the cheesiest road trip playlist you can think up. Just don’t forget to dress warm and plan accordingly!


7. Stay at home!

I know there are a lot of people out there who wouldn’t consider an at-home date to be a “real” date, but if you’re trying to save money and stay warm, nothing beats cuddling up under a thick blanket in front of the fireplace. If you don’t have a fireplace, consider making a faux fireplace and cranking the furnace up – we won’t tell anyone if you don’t.

Five Reasons To Celebrate The Female Orgasm

Let’s face it, there are many different ways we achieve orgasm. Through clitoral stimulation, g-spot stimulation, through dreams, with a partner, when alone and nots let forget the ones we sometimes fake. Because we have all done that at some point if we’re honest!

But the female orgasm is something of a wonder. There is no biological reason we orgasm; its sole purpose is to give us pleasure. Which means we should definitely celebrate this natural wonder.

Here are five reasons women should give a toast to the natural wonder we all have the ability to achieve.


More Woman Achieve Orgasms Today Than They Did 20 Years Ago

During the 1990’s a study called The National Health and Social Life Survey was published by researchers in Chicago. The study found that 75 percent of men were having orgasms consistently with their partners, while women were only having consistent orgasms 29 percent of the time with their partners.

Move forwards to 2015 and a study carried out by Skyn Condoms found that 89 percent of women have experienced orgasm during sex. This could be due to devices such as the vibrator, but it still shows that women are enjoying far more orgasms today than they did twenty years ago.


We Are Able To Help Ourselves To Better Orgasms

Women are now much more aware of what makes them come, probably due to the fact we masturbate more and use sex toys. In fact, a study conducted by Cosmopolitan found that women were very aware of what prevented them from orgasm. Women claimed it was because of lack of clitoral stimulation, the clitoral stimulation given was not the right kind needed and some women even said it was because of mental blocks or because they were too worried about how they looked during sex.


We Can Achieve Multiple Orgasms Without The Need To Take A Break

Multiple Orgasms, oh yeah! Luckily for women we don’t need to wait a while to become aroused again. Our orgasms can happen over and over again simultaneously. Surely this is something to definitely be grateful for?


Females Also Orgasm During Sleep

It’s a myth that only men achieve the ‘wet dream’ during sleep. Women do as well. Plus, some studies have proven that these types of orgasm during our sleeping hours can be even more intense than the ones during our waking hours. And don’t forget we can have sex with whomever we like in our dreams without feeling like we’ve cheated on our boo or did something bad. Power to women’s erotic dreams.


Women Enjoy Mutual Masturbation Which Is Satisfying And Risk Free

Women are also quite happy to mutually masturbate with their partners. Not only is this a good way to discover your partner’s bodies and what they like in order to achieve orgasm, it’s also a good way to bond and feel close to your partner. And let’s not forget there is no risk of STD’s if you are only touching your own genitals and not your partners. Mutual masturbation is an all-round winner, surely?


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According To Research We Can Think Our Way Into Good Sex

A new study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the theory that if you actually believe in the relationship you’re in, the sex you have and your sex life as a whole will be that much more rewarding. After conducting six different studies with around 2,000 people, researchers found people who truly believe in sexual growth are the happiest and the most sexually satisfied in their relationships.

So the clue is believing in your relationship and your sex life apparently. However, that isn’t really as simple as it sounds to be honest. It’s hard to believe in a relationship and everything that goes with it if you are going through a difficult time, isn’t it?

But according to one of the authors if the study, Jessica Maxwell, going through issues is a normal part of all relationships and shouldn’t stop you from still thinking positively about it. She writes:

We know that disagreements in the sexual domain are somewhat inevitable over time. Your sex life is like a garden, and it needs to be watered and nurtured to maintain it.”

Many people do believe in the power of positive thinking so perhaps there really is some truth in this latest research. Plus, thinking positively is good in all areas of our lives not just in our relationship and let’s not forget that thinking positively means we are confident that things can be dealt with and sorted out so in a way these findings do make perfect sense.

Well then girls, if you want better sex, believe in the relationship you are in and the sex will automatically be better. I wonder if it’s possible to think our way to good orgasms? Now there’s a thought…


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Why Hooking Up With Your Best Friend While On The Rebound Is A No No

When you’ve broken up with your boo the first person we usually turn to is our best friend.

She’s there to dry our tears, agree with us that your boo was a first rate bitch, she’ll binge watch romantic comedies with you and basically support you through the heartbreak. But what happens when our emotions confuse this support and care and we start to think of our best friend in another way?

After a break-up we do feel lonely, neglected and unwanted. It’s our best friends that fill the void in our hearts for the next few months.

We yearn for comfort and this is what we get. During this vulnerable period, it’s really easy to confuse friendship feelings for romantic feelings and our good judgement flies out the window quicker than a bar of chocolate flies into our stomachs.

The minute we start to think of our friends romantically the friendship boundaries get really murky. Does it mean we’ve become friends with benefits? Are we dating? Are there now things we can’t tell her as a friend because we’ve started having sex together?

These are just a few things that naturally goes through our heads when we blur friendship and romantic boundaries.

The biggest problem though is what happens to our friendship afterwards? Most rebound hook ups never last long term as we normally only have them to make ourselves feel better and to prove to ourselves we are worthy of love and affection.

But we can’t turn back time and we potentially run the risk of losing our best friend forever over something that could so easily have been avoided.

It’s true that some friendships can survive something like this and perhaps you and your best friend could be good together in a relationship, but even if this is the case, getting involved in a relationship when your heart has been split in two is no basis for a healthy, long term relationship anyway.

So if you find yourself in this situation and you are looking at your BFF in a different way since you split with your current boo, take a step back. Think of what you could lose if it all gets messy. Imagine the worst case scenario. You lose your best friend forever.

Perhaps in a few months when your heart as healed and you still have these feelings for your friend then there might well be something in it. But you will be looking at it with a clear mind and with your emotions in order.

Just think before you leap – it’ll be worth it in the long run.


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Science Says Performing Oral Sex On A Woman Could Be Beneficial To Your Immune System

According to science, 70% of vaginas have a breed of bacteria called Lactobacillus, which produces lactic acid to keep a neutral pH level.

This bacteria also exists in your gut and works as a probiotic which can affect a range of health issues from allergies to Alzheimer’s

Broadly approached a doctor on the subject to ask whether performing oral sex could help benefit your immune system, and Dr Helena Mendes-Soares confirmed it could be a possibility.

I think it would be possible, but probably unlikely. I don’t know of any study that addressed it.”

To fully work as a probiotic fluid produced by the vagina would have to contain enough good bacteria to take an effect. It would also have to safely travel to the lower intestine without being effected by stomach acid.

According to Dr. Mendes-Soares, there are about 100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells per gram of vaginal fluid.

That means to experience any probiotic affects from its properties, anywhere between 10g and 10 kg of vaginal fluid would have to be digested.

Dr Medes-Soares also warned that the intake of probity would be affected by contamination.

There would also be a transmission of the other current members of the community both the beneficial and harmful ones.”

Are You A Narcissist?

Have you ever heard the story of Narcissus? According to ancient Greek mythology, Narcissus’s mother was told that he would live an exceptionally long time, as long as he never saw himself. It was a pretty good plan, until he spurned a would-be lover (one version says a man named Ameinias, while another version says it was the nymph Echo), and was sentenced by the gods to overlook a spring – a spring in which he fell in love with his own reflection and ended up dying. The term narcissist comes from Narcissus’s love for himself, but these days it’s mostly used to talk about someone whose whole world revolves around themselves.

For those of us in the United States, we’ve probably never seen such a clear picture of narcissism as we have in presidential candidate Donald Trump. In fact, Trump embodies almost every trait associated with narcissism, including the inflated ego and overvaluing of one’s own opinions over proven facts. Sigh. Consider me grateful that this whole mess is (probably) going to be over soon, and Trump can just go back to wherever he was before the 2016 presidential race started.

(Meanwhile, if he wins, I might be taking off to join my good friends overseas. Seriously – his running mate wants to trade marriage equality for gay conversion therapy? No, thanks.)

All politics aside, psychoanalyst and therapist Lisa Schlesinger, in an article on YourTango, says that everyone has narcissistic tendencies; the official psychological diagnosis of “narcissism” is just reserved for the most extreme forms. Let’s take a deeper look.

(Please note that her article related to narcissistic parents, but I have adapted what she’s said to apply to those of us who might not have children – many of the same traits are true. Someone with a psychology degree please weigh in if I’m wrong here.)

Narcissism is a totally normal part of human development.

According to Sigmund Freud, children need to go through a narcissistic stage in order to become self-aware. But if that stage lasts beyond puberty, and is classified as “extreme,” it’s then considered a personality disorder. Schlesinger recommends psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis once it gets to these points, stating that “[t]hese modalities of treatment are the most direct way to address your narcissistic tendencies.” But what if you haven’t been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

A healthy amount of narcissism requires that you value your own needs.

Humans (and all other animals) have a built-in survival instinct; this survival instinct relies on the brain’s need to preserve itself before others. You absolutely are the most important person in your life, and it’s essential that you see things that way; if not, there may be other issues at play, such as depression or codependence. What might be even worse is that someone who falls on one end of the spectrum will most likely seek out someone who falls on the other end of the spectrum. We’re not here to talk about depressed and codependent people, though – we’re only here for narcissism today.

Most people fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Narcissists (whether healthy or malignant) tend to hold an image of themselves that may not be entirely true, and they become threatened by anything that challenges their self-perception. Healthy narcissism requires channeling that into motivation to better oneself, instead of taking a defensive stance on the issue and adamantly defending your own hypocrisy. Healthy narcissism also involves feeling empathy toward others, while ultimately putting your own needs – and the needs of those you care deeply about – ahead of the needs of strangers. Of course, things are a lot more complicated than that, but I’m not a psychologist – I’m just someone who enjoys studying mental illness.

Malignant narcissists use others to meet their needs, without regard to that person’s own needs.

While healthy narcissism tries to find the best solution for everyone involved, malignant narcissists treat others as tools to get the things they want, without giving anything in return. They take any available opportunity to pawn their own responsibilities off on others, such as leaving the kids home alone to go out partying. They neglect the needs of their loved ones in order to satisfy their own. They will also make cutting remarks about others, in an attempt to make themselves look better, often with little regard to the truth of the statements they make.


So, how can you tell how narcissistic you are?

Do you see other people as extensions of yourself? In other words, do you think in terms like “my partner” as opposed to “Brianna,” “my friend” as opposed to “Cassandra,” etc.? While this is a minor distinction, most people choose to refer to someone by their role within the person’s life, rather than who they are on their own.

Do you compare yourself to and compete with others? Many people thrive on competition, but most of us can also respect the idea that competition with others doesn’t do anything but make you miserable. The only person you should really try to be better than is the person you were yesterday, and the only person you should really compare yourself to is the person you’ll be tomorrow.

Do you resent demands from others when they take up your time? For example, do you consider your own downtime more important than someone else’s basic human needs, or rights? Most of us support the idea of equal rights (although I don’t have any exact figures here), but we often won’t help others any more than sharing a post on Facebook or tossing a “like” on someone’s status.

Do you pressure others to do the things you like, without taking their interests into consideration? If you’ve ever pushed your partner or friend to do something you knew she wouldn’t enjoy, just so you didn’t have to do it alone, you fall into this category – sorry!

Do you submerge yourself in the lives of others, so deeply that you lose your own identity? Whether you consider yourself “____’s girlfriend,” “_____’s daughter,” or “_____’s best friend,” you fall into this category. To a lesser extent, this also applies to people who idolize celebrities – if you define yourself as a fan of someone else, you are making their existence a fixture in your life.

Are you a sore loser? Narcissists feel threatened when they aren’t the best at what they do – even if someone else was clearly better. Narcissists don’t like losing, and instead of adjusting their own tactics to get better, they blame the other person, possibly even accusing them of cheating.

Do you consider yourself better than others? Even if you keep it to yourself, you’re a narcissist for thinking it. Narcissists take apart the identities of others and assign values to them – even if those values have little to do with who the person really is.

Do you tell yourself you deserve new/better/more things because of everything you deal with? I think anyone who has ever worked retail, and then participated in “retail therapy,” falls into this particular category. (Yes, I’m putting myself here, too – I regularly spoil myself with nice things, because I feel that no one else is going to give me the things I feel that I’ve earned.)

Do you do things in order to gain recognition? The motivation behind the things you do is an important factor here. Narcissists do things for attention or recognition, instead of being self-motivated. For example, do you post selfies in workout gear to collect likes and inspirational messages? If you skip the gym selfies and updates, and instead just go to the gym because you want to improve your physical fitness, congratulations, you might not fall into this one.

Do you trash-talk others to make yourself look (or feel) better? A good friend of mine once told me that “being a hater shows your true insecurities.” He told me this immediately after I was, in fact, being a hater, talking down on someone else for having a body type that made me uncomfortable. Rest assured – this was a few years back and I’m totally over the body-shaming now – but I’d be lying if I said I never did it.

Do you stay with someone you feel is a “bad person” because it’s more comfortable than being alone? While this particular classification can go for narcissism or codependence, the key here is who your partner is bad toward. Narcissists don’t care if the person they’re dating is a total asshole to everyone else, including the other people the narcissist cares about, as long as they treat them nice.

Do other people simply “fit into” your life, instead of being a part of your life? Another subtle difference here. Narcissists “cast” people to fill roles in their lives – girlfriend, best friend, work wife, etc. – and then cast them aside when they’re no longer needed. True relationships require that you be there for them when they need you, too.

OK, you’re a narcissist. Now what?

Thankfully, Schlesinger outlined a few ways you can manage your own narcissism, once you’ve identified it. It has to be a conscious choice, or it’ll never stick – a narcissist can’t (and won’t) change just because other people want them to. If you’re ready to change your own narcissistic habits, follow the steps below.

  1. Become self-aware of your own narcissism. Evaluate the narcissistic things you do, and decide which you’d like to change. Some will be healthy behaviors, so take the time to actually scrutinize them. You’re not trying to change who you are – you’re just trying to change how you treat others.
  2. Consider another perspective before your own. It’s going to be really hard, especially if you’ve never done it before, but teaching yourself empathy is an essential human trait. Try to think of the ways your choices will affect others, and respect that other people have different opinions. You don’t have to agree – you just have to respect.
  3. Be patient with the process. The more narcissistic habits you possess, the harder the change is going to be. You might be tempted to change everything all at once, especially since narcissists are used to instant gratification, but the world doesn’t usually work like that – especially when it comes to changing habits. Take one habit at a time and give it at least 30 days to change. Then, once you feel confident that you’ve broken the habit, move onto the next one.
  4. Acknowledge the things that made you the person you are today. Most likely, something happened in your past to bring those narcissistic tendencies to the surface. Did your parents neglect you as a child? Were you let down by a former partner? Did you give up the career you loved to be a stay-at-home parent? You have to respect the forks in the road that brought you here, without letting them define who you are now.
  5. Understand that you are in control. Everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, and everyone fantasizes about being the most important person in the world. But the reason most people don’t seem like narcissists is because we learn how to control those tendencies, and only rely on them when we need
  6. Seek professional help, if necessary. While you can manage your narcissism on your own, it’s definitely going to be easier if you’ve got a pro in your corner. Counseling sucks sometimes, but Schlesinger says that psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis have been proven to help treat narcissistic personality disorder – so don’t be afraid to ask your doctor about it!

10 Struggles The Straightforward Girl Has To Cope With

If you are anything like me and speak your mind, are confident in your own decisions and are never backwards at coming forwards, then you are classed as being straightforward. People know that you mean what you say, you’re a no nonsense girl that is on top of stuff and you won’t tolerate any bull. But, as much as there are benefits to having that type of personality, there are also drawbacks as well.

For example, I can be quite acerbic and my sharp sense of humour and my occasional sarcasm does offend people sometimes. I don’t mean to, but it happens. Plus, to be completely honest, this doesn’t always worry me either. It’s a take me as I am attitude. I also find that some of my friends will rely on me a lot because they see me as being strong and able to cope. But that can get quite wearing.

So, for all you straightforward girls out there, what are our top 10 struggles?


Sometimes what you say is taken as bitchiness.

When you say exactly what is on your mind people often think you are being a nasty bitch. If someone is annoying the hell out of you, you aren’t afraid to let them know it. However, most people don’t like this openness and take it as a criticism or an insult, when in fact you are simply letting them know that they are bugging you and you’d like them to stop.


Your brain thinks it; your mouth speaks it.

This can be a real issue on occasion. For example, if you are in a situation where a bit of sensitivity is needed or you are talking to someone with opposing views to yours, not having a filter from our brain to our mouth can sometimes cause us problems.


You always tell the truth, no matter what.

Oh boy, can’t this be a problem sometimes? Some people simply don’t like the truth, but as far as your concerned why bother to ask the question if they don’t want an honest answer and what is the point in you lying to them? If a friend asks you if her new top looks good and you think it doesn’t you will till her as much. Not to hurt her feelings, but it’s what you think and you want her to look good. However, many people ask some questions such as this for you to make them feel better and unfortunately they are not going to get that from you unless you believe it to be true.


Annoying people seem to like you.

Loudmouths, gossips, troublemakers and aggressors all seem to be drawn to you like bees around a honeypot. They think your outspokenness makes you one of them and therefore you must think like them and behave like them, so they are eager to build friendships with you.  Just because you say what you mean doesn’t mean to say you are a nasty or hurtful person.


You aren’t afraid of your boss.

It’s amazing how many bosses hate this. It’s as if they think their staff should be scared of them in order for them to exert control or authority over you. Many people are intimidated by their bosses and although you understand they are your superior and are in a position of power this doesn’t make you behave any differently towards them. If you have a boss on an ego trip that expects to be treated and spoken to like they are a demi god, it’s unlikely you will stay with the company for very long.


You automatically become the leader in situations.

This struggle gets very wearing sometimes. If you meet up with friends, they will have assumed that you have the whole night planned out for you all. If it’s someone’s birthday they will automatically put you in charge to organize something wonderful. Sometimes it would just be nice to go along with what has already been organized by someone else rather than having to take responsibility for everyone else’s fun on your own shoulders.


You’re extremely sarcastic

Straightforwardness and sarcasm seem to go hand in hand. As your brain is very sharp and your sense of humour is always in play you often make sarcastic comments about things that some people are never sure how to take. You can almost see their brains ticking as they try to work out if you were being funny or a complete bitch.


You won’t tolerate stupidity.

Most straightforward people are often very intelligent and well informed so if someone is saying something completely idiotic you have no patience in dealing with them. You are very likely to tell them they are saying something ridiculous or you will simply say nothing at all and blank them completely while looking at them with a face that says a thousand words!


People with no drive frustrate you.

As a very driven person you get very frustrated at people that seem to have no get up and go or ambition. You probably find that most of your friends are very similar to yourself and have a drive for success. When dealing with someone with little drive you are likely to want to stick a bomb up their jacksie and will not hesitate in telling them to shake themselves into action, and quickly.


You are very open.

You don’t have any problem being open and honest about your own life. You’d quite happily discuss your sex life or your partying habits or your latest problem with your partner, but some people don’t like this and get embarrassed with other people’s openness. You probably always wonder why people have a problem with openness, but it won’t make you stop. You’ll still continue to be open not matter what anyone else says.

 

10 Things To Keep In Mind If You’re Questioning Your Sexuality And/Or Gender

LGBTQ+ voices, communities and public dialogue, often focus on issues that concern specific identities (the more widely accepted and talked about the identity, the better).

This is absolutely necessary, but what we need to remember sometimes is that not all the people who have reached that point of sharing their experiences with others, giving useful advice about coming out, relationships, advocacy and support, had their identities, preferences and desires figured from the very beginning. In fact, most LGBTQ+ youth go through a questioning process.

That happens not only because it is absolutely normal for people to reevaluate their choices as they go through different things or to experience situations in their lives fluidly, but also because we live in a hetero-cis/normative society that sets heterosexual, cisgender existences as the default, so that everyone else might first have to go through a process of doubting, shaming and dismissing themselves and their feelings as if they’re something that “can’t be”, that doesn’t make sense, something that’s just in their minds, or something they can’t easily validate just yet. But that’s alright.

Think of that: have you often heard people around you worrying whether they might be straight, or questioning their sexuality because it occurred to them that heterosexuality may be a possibility? I don’t think so.

Society’s standards for us to initially be heterosexual (and sexual, for that matter), make it evident that people are most likely to question this given sexuality when they feel it doesn’t explain their feelings and experiences. A paper published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that in a survey answered by women who identified as heterosexual, most of them were deliberate in their answers and had come to a conscious conclusion about their heterosexuality “after contemplating alternative possibilities”.

Such effects are even more visible in questioning our gender. Our society is strongly gendered, aligning bodies with preferences with behaviors, and limiting us within a binary system of only male and female that we are assigned at birth without even having a concept of what gender might be. We grow up all our lives being taught that we should do X things, behave a Y way and make Z choices based on our genitals and these lines can truly be drawn very strictly around us.

That makes it even harder for us to question whether the gender we have been assigned at birth does not feel entirely right for us, since questioning even gender norms, let alone gender identities, is not something that society encourages.

For non-binary questioning people things get a lot more complicated, since genders that fall outside the gender binary are outright invalidated by public discourse.

So what should a young person expect when they’re questioning? What should you keep in mind when you’re unsure, or experimenting about your sexuality and/or gender identity?

What should you ideally be demanding other people around you to do in order to make you feel more comfortable and at home during this process – that might either lead to concrete results, or may never end up doing so?

1. Define in your own words.

I can hardly remember questioning my sexuality though I’m sure it kind of happened – the thing is that it did happen but I accepted the change too quickly, so my questioning period wasn’t that long. I identified as straight until, during my adolescence, I started getting strong crushes on female celebrities. The explanation was pretty simple: having grown up in a homophobic and biphobic environment, I was homophobic myself… until I wasn’t.

Reading gay fanfiction about my favorite characters was what actually helped me stop being a bigot, and that was the solid and concrete turning point where I woke up and realized that my crushes on women were actually crushes, and not simply fangirling on celebrities I admired. I came to accept that I might, after all, have experienced a crush or two for girls in real life as well, and boom! There was even a pre-existing word for it: I was bisexual.

Soon, after I heard about non-binary identities and met non-binary people, I shifted more towards identifying as pansexual, as I realized that there weren’t only two genders and that people’s gender was not a determining factor for me to feel attracted to them.

It was not that simple, however, when I recently started questioning my gender, and I will say more about it later. When this started taking shape in my mind, the first thing that helped me was to try and put into words whatever messy raw material I possessed at that moment; the very fresh, blurry feelings that you might not yet be able to distinguish, but you can say a thing or two about them.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know exactly how to describe everything that you’re feeling, or if you’ve never heard of people with similar experiences to yours before, or even if you have – but the experiences you’ve heard of are slightly different than your own, or were dealt with differently. No one else can tell you how to feel, or experience things, simply because no one else feels and experiences things for you, without you. Only you know what’s valid for you, and even if you don’t know for sure what works and what doesn’t.

Do this for you: take your time to define yourself and not let anyone tell you that “you’re not gay enough, trans enough, – something – enough”, that “it’s all in your mind” or that “it doesn’t work this way”.

2. Put a label on it – or don’t.

Honestly, in this whole questioning process this is the only rule: do shit your way. I’m all for labels and yet I feel like things are still too fresh for me to grasp everything around the term “trans”, even though I might not be as cis as I always thought, even though trans is an umbrella term used to describe everyone whose gender and the way they experience it doesn’t entirely match what they were assigned at birth. When something is new for you, you might need time to feel like you’re in clothes that fit without it all being too disorientating.

Labels are really important if, by naming your identity helps in reminding you that it’s valid, that it exists, and that you can be included in communities. Labels, however, can also feel limiting if you see them as definitions that don’t quite define you. You don’t have to use them if they tend to limit you even more, or if they end up turning this into a competition of constantly having to prove yourself and people around you that you are what you are.

And if you use them, remember that they’re not books that you borrow from a library or DVDs that you have to return to the video club in excellent condition and pay for them. They’re not a checklist, or something that you have the privilege – or the gained right – to appropriate, and need to treat cautiously. Instead they’re something that you need to own, rephrase, adapt and transform in the way that feels right for you.

The main point of labels (and what makes them very useful) is not to make you feel like a mass-produced tin of soup, but to help and empower you, to give you the sense of community and solidarity with other people with similar experiences.

Don’t try to meet up to other people’s standards for your identity. Don’t follow behaviors that don’t fit your personality, or habits you don’t feel comfortable with, just to prove something that cannot be proven with a super market receipt or a college degree. The purpose of labels is not to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do or conform with to identify the way you do, so try not to think in terms of “I can’t be X because I don’t fit Y requirement”.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not trans enough if you don’t experience dysphoria, if you don’t try to pass, if you don’t fully transition or if you decide to not transition at all – whether it be socially, legally or medically. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not asexual because you’ve had sex in the past. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not a lesbian or bisexual because you haven’t had sexual relations with girls yet.

You are something if you say you are. You may feel like one concrete thing or many things at once.

4. Be open.

Accept all possibilities. It’s not always that easy, especially when you’ve learnt that you’re something you whole life and then suddenly something starts feeling off – or, hell, if it’s been feeling off all along but this shit is not the easiest to deal with. If something has always been different but you haven’t yet figured it out, it’s okay. If something changes oh so suddenly, it’s not the end of the world. Both your gender and your sexuality may be fluidly changing during your life (and at this point remember to distinguish bisexuality from sexual fluidity, or questioning processes phases from sexual fluidity). Just because you identify as one – or ten – things now, it doesn’t mean that you’ll continue to feel that way for the rest of your life.

People (even from within the LGBT community) may try to invalidate the way you identify because, to them, it’s just a way of transitioning to another identity. For example, many people dismiss bisexual identities or experiences because they think it’s just a process of you accepting that you’re truly gay, or they may dismiss non-binary genders because they may assume that it’s just a phase, before coming to terms with being a binary trans person.

You’re not going through a phase: you’re going through a process. Everything that has to do with self-discovery is changeable, and everything is a process. Being bisexual, asexual and/or genderfluid, agender or whatever else is not a phase, but your true identity as long as you feel like it describes you.

And even if you stop identifying as bisexual and start feeling attraction only towards women, or if you decide that a binary gender identity suits you best, it doesn’t mean that the ways in which you used to identify were just phases. Imagine being in university until you become twenty four, and then getting a job as a lawyer.

Just because you’re a lawyer now and you’re not a student anymore, it doesn’t mean that you were never actually a student, or that this period of your life was any less real or valid than your lawyer period. You were a toddler once. Just because you’re an adult now, it doesn’t mean that your toddler period never existed. Your identity at a specific period of time is valid and it affects you and it is what matters, whether it’s going to change in the future or never change at all.

As Adrian Ballou writes about social transition in their article I think I might be trans: “You have the right to change [your name, pronouns, and/or gender expression] […] as often as you want or need.”

4. Ask, talk, read, research, participate…

Thankfully, even if our societies may sometimes not even acknowledge, let alone represent, sufficiently research, or talk about our identities, LGBTQ+ individuals and communities have started developing huge pools where you can fish knowledge and resources, available either online, in LGBTQ+ media, or in local communities.

Tumblr was a great space for me to start and meet people like me even before joining the LGBTQ+ group in my area. That being said, the latter was the best thing I ever did to myself. Reach for people with similar experiences to yours. Ask them how it was for them. You’re gonna discover that, even those who seem so sure about their identities now and you imagine them being born that way, did go through a questioning period when everything felt confusing as fuck.

The Internet is your friend. Search for online support groups. Tumblr is a space where you can find people willing to share their experiences with you and help you find what you’re looking for without having to come out to your surroundings just yet. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network is the widest online asexual community and can tremendously help you.

Here you can read why it’s important to value trans or trans-questioning identities that come without experiences of dysphoria and in this article that I quoted before you can find an amazing guide with resources useful if you think you might not be cis. This is a guide to non-binary identities, which are usually so hard to see represented and sufficiently talked about and this is an article (all of this writer’s articles, actually), that helped me tremendously when I recently started considering being non-binary and had absolutely no idea of where to start.

Also, gradually more books, articles and movies about LGBTQ+ issues are being brought to the public eye. Here is a book list as well as a movie list to read and watch if you’re questioning your sexuality, and you can find numerous TV series and websites – such as, of course, Kitschmix and Everyday Feminism – that represent you and share advice and experiences that you may relate to.

5. …but even if you do so, don’t expect others’ experiences to echo yours.

It’s most likely that someone, somewhere, has experienced things the exact same way that you do, and they can make you heave in relief when they affirm “I can relate!”

If you meet people with similar experiences, then that’s grand! But if you don’t, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you, or that your identity is not valid. There are countless ways to be gay, bi or trans (there are limitless ways to be a binary trans person, and limitless ways to be a non-binary trans person).

There’s no wrong or right way to be who you are – unless that something is hurting others and, in the case of your gender and/or sexuality, it shouldn’t be hurting anybody, given that they don’t hold homophobic, biphobic or transphobic views.

Also, don’t listen to people who clearly don’t understand. Demand from others to respect your feelings. When I first decided to share my concerns about the fixity of my gender with some of my childhood friends.

Since I wasn’t yet ready to discuss it with people of my LGBTQ+ community (for reasons I’ll share below) they insisted on discussing the whole issue as solely a gender expression issue (eg. it’s okay to want to dress with all kinds of clothes or to have sexual fantasies like that, you never had a “typically female” behavior and that doesn’t mean you’re not a women) which is all absolutely right, but the point was that I wanted to discuss things I felt were happening with my gender identity, and not things that had to do with my dressing style (which most of the time is, by the way, pretty femme), or my (un-)ladylike attitude.

I was heavily disappointed and that led me to avoid discussing this again for a while. When I shared my thoughts with a friend who doesn’t identify with a binary gender though, the response was much more helpful and made things look much simpler and easier to deal with.

And that brings us to:

6. Coming out

Coming out is great, but you are not obliged to do it if you’re not ready. No one is waiting behind a desk, staring at their watch and tapping their foot impatiently for you to declare Name, Surname, ID number, Pronouns, a fixed gender and sexuality all at once.

Keep in mind that people around you may also react in problematic ways that may affect you if you come out. First of all you need to protect yourself and do what feels right and necessary.

Ask yourself: is it important for you that the people around you know everything about you? What do you need them to know and what do you prefer to keep for yourself? Are you going to have problems with your family or colleagues if you come out? Are you going to have problems with yourself if you don’t come out?

Put your priorities straight (no pun intended) and don’t feel pressured by anyone to do anything. Questioning is hard enough without the possible homophobia, biphobia, acephobia and transphobia that you may encounter and have your process halted by. In the end, the people who care are those who will make an effort to understand, even if they’ve never been in your shoes before.

7. Don’t shame yourself.

I’m a guilty person by nature. You might find me apologizing for global warming, for the arrival of your period cramps, and for other things I shouldn’t normally feel guilty about. That usually comes with the feeling that I’m taking up too much space. I’m also a talkative person by nature, and an overly dramatic person by nature, so all that clashes a bit destructively: when something happens I’ll feel like it’s the end of the world, I’ll tell everyone and take all the time whining about it, and then I’ll feel too bad for whining too much and making a big fuss about myself.

Sometimes when I advocate bi/pan-sexual issues, or when I demand that my identity be respected, I might momentarily feel like I’m taking too much space from gay and bi people who are currently facing discrimination because they are in a relationship with a person of the same gender, while I’m in a so-called straight-passing privileged relationship. That’s all total bullshit, but it does feel like that when I’m in the mood of shaming myself.

This was all much more intense when I started questioning my gender. According to Natalie Reed:

Internalized cisnormativity leads us to assume that we need to prove that we’re trans to ourselves, but that being cis is simply taken as a given.”

Having spent my whole life thinking I was cis, I immediately tried to shut my feelings down because “they must be fake and un-true since they haven’t been here all along/since I haven’t been experiencing dysphoria the way I’ve heard other people describe”, “it must all be in my mind”, “I might be doing it for attention”, “maybe I’m  appropriating lives that are not mine and issues I don’t share with other people”.

And, most importantly: “maybe I’m gonna take up too much space that I don’t deserve since for some people their gender and its connotations affects and shapes their lives to a great extent, while for me the way I’ll be gendered on the street might not make that much of a difference”.

Then I talked more, with people who’ve gone through the same things and it was incredibly helpful. I found out that these are thoughts some of them have had in the past, or continue to have now that their identity makes more sense. Or I found out that their identity never ended up making perfect sense but hey, it doesn’t always have to.

They told me to stop shaming myself for what I was feeling and to give value to the way that my needs present themselves to me.  This made a huge difference to other advice such as “don’t give it much thought, you get easily influenced anyway”, which made me feel like a fake gender-copycat lil’ piece of shit. Spoiler alert: no one benefited from that thought. Neither me, nor my trans loved-ones the space of whom I was scared I’d steal.

Experimenting can be tricky since, following the previous point you might feel like you’re appropriating something that belongs to other people. But here’s the thing: gender and sexuality don’t solely belong to other people, and just because you do something that other people do doesn’t mean that you share all parts of their identities.

If you want to sleep with boys to check whether you’re bisexual, do it. You might end up loving sex with boys as much as you love sex with girls. You might end up in a relationship with a boy. You might find out that you’re still only attracted to girls and that you identify as a lesbian. If you want to put makeup on, pack your bra, bind or tuck, do it. Ask yourself what pronouns would make you feel comfortable. Play it all in your head over and over again.

Create an online roleplay account or dress up or shave off your entire head if that makes you feel comfortable. Some things you’ll end up sticking with, some you’ll realize that they’re making you feel uncomfortable.

It’s normal if it all feels overwhelming in the beginning. You don’t have to do everything or anything at all to figure out your identity, but teasing your limits can always help consider things and cross out others. After all your identity is not about a single term, but about choosing who you want to be perceived as, how you wish to express yourself, what practices you want to follow in your everyday life, and how to speak about what you’re feeling.

9. Take your time.

It’s only normal that, when you start questioning something it might be overwhelming and make you anxious with the need to figure all out at once. But it’s amazing how clear things may become if you take some time to let it all unravel.

10. Remember that it’s okay to be confused.

Confusion is not something to have your feelings invalidated over. People usually say you are confused to make you feel like what you’re going through isn’t real, but you can be confused without that meaning that what you’re experiencing is not actually life-changing, significant, or very truly real. Being confused is the most normal thing you should expect. Hell, we are confused over what’s our favorite movie and about the mixed feelings that salt and vinegar chips or too many gummy bears give us. Gender and sexuality are things just as complex (or more complex, depending on how you see it), as picking between The Smiths or The Magnetic Fields, or digestive reactions and neurons reacting to pineapple flavor supplements.

Questioning things around – and inside – us has been part of the human condition since (almost) forever. The point is to learn how to give these questioning processes the value and attention they need, instead of dismissing them just because they may be transitional periods, or periods of confusion.

10 Hilarious Pieces Of Lesbian Advice From Wikihow

Wikihow is one of the first websites to appear when searching for advice online but if any of you have ever read some of the advice (that often comes with really funny illustrations to accompany it) then you will know that it’s often completely wrong or so bizarre it is like someone from another planet wrote it.

Below are some of the funniest pieces of advice offered to lesbians, but just for the record, we suggest you do the exact opposite of what is suggested!


1. How to know if a girl is queer.

Look for obvious signs like meeting her at a LGBT rights dinner or her wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ in her profile picture.”

Yep, as we all head off to those common and frequent LGBT rights dinner get-togethers you can keep your eyes open on the off chance a lesbian might be there. And agreed, the t-shirt is a good clue. If you travel back in time, like to around 1993.


2. Ask her about her boyfriend.

If you are shy, you can ask, ‘Are you here with your boyfriend?’ Hopefully, she will say, ‘No, I’m lesbian’ or at least just ‘no’ (which leaves open the possibility that she may be lesbian).”

Now, why didn’t we think of that one as we often say to complete strangers we have never met ‘I’m a lesbian’ when asked if we are with our boyfriends. Not forgetting that even if a girl says ‘no’ she might be a lesbian because we can’t presume the possibility that her boyfriend is at home or she’s currently single. We may need to warn our fellow hetero women she must never say she is not with her boyfriend or she may get inundated with lesbians wanting to date her.


3. Where are the lesbians hiding? In church, duh.

Attend faith-based activities. Many religious organizations host events specifically to offer LGBT members the opportunity to socialize in a safe setting. Check with your local faith-based agencies to find out what opportunities they might have for you to meet other lesbians.”

Ok, we could say something like this: ‘Hi vicar, are you hosting a lesbian hook-up I could attend please? Wikihow said you hold them.’


4. Make gay friends.

Get to know gay/lesbian friends! Even if you’re not interested in them they can be good contacts for meeting people.”

Yes, send out those ‘gay friends wanted’ ads everywhere, and don’t worry if they are cockwombles that you have nothing in common with. As long as they are gay that’s all that counts.


5. How to tell if your best friend a lesbian.

Consider her relationship history. A series of brief, noncommittal, or largely non-romantic relationships with men can indicate a lack of sexual interest in men….”

Yes, there’s no sure fire way of telling that someone is a lesbian and has no sexual interest in men by the very fact she sleeps with a lot of them.

Alternatively they could indicate some other dysfunction or dysphoria.”

Yes, because anyone who has a dysfunction is a lesbian. It’s a fact.

Try to recall if she has had a sustained interest in the opposite sex if you have known her throughout puberty. Patterns of behavior or avoidance can indicate preference far more clearly than stated preferences.”

If you are not her child psychologist or you don’t know him and are unable to find this out, don’t panic, we have more advice for you……

Approach your friend with openings that establish the confidence and safety of your discussion. Some starter ideas include ‘You know I’m your friend and you can tell me anything,’ ‘I think you might be keeping something from me, are you attracted to women?’ or ‘You can trust me with anything, and I think you haven’t been honest with yourself about your feelings for other women.’”

Nothing more guaranteed than ruining your relationship with your best friend by making these statements or asking these questions, I’m sure.


6. Have you heard of the internet?

If you aren’t already aware of any LGBT groups in your area, begin by searching the internet. Simply combine ‘LGBT,’ ‘groups,’ and the name of your city in the search box to get started.”

From this suggestion I got:  suicide hotline numbers, PFLAG memberships and homeless youth centers, but zero girlfriends. Where are they??? Come out, come out, wherever you are…..

Try looking in the newspaper and the phone book for LGBT resources that may be able to point you in the right direction.”

Or you could try sending a telegram to 1985, order a lipstick lesbian t-shirt to wear to those LGBT rights dinners and lesbian hook-ups at your local church and you’ll find a girlfriend in no time.


7. Hitting the bars.

Bring a straight cute girl with you as your wingman. Make it clear that you are not together.”

Perhaps you could even get her to wear a t-shirt saying ‘lipstick lesbian sat next to me.’


8. Sealing the deal.

Exchange phone numbers with one girl per night. If you ask for numbers from several girls, others may think you are not serious dating material, and some may even find your behavior off-putting.”

Absolutely. Taking people’s phone numbers is a massive indication you are not good dating material. Personally, I’d be more concerned about all my possible dates that were stalking me to see I had been taking all these numbers.


9. Is she into you?

Pay attention to what she’s talking about. If she is sharing personal details about her life, this is another good indicator that she’s interested in you…”

Oh, definitely. If a woman tells you where she lives, her job and about her pets she’s definitely interested in you and not just making small talk.

Listen to the pitch of her voice. In a recent study, scientists discovered that attracted individuals of either gender lowered the pitch of their voices when speaking to the person to whom they were attracted.”

To do this, press your ear against her throat and try to detect a change in tone. If she doesn’t have you arrested or slap you hard, you might be onto a winner.

If you want to see her again, call to set up another date.”

That’s only if you are not still stuck in the 1900’s after going too far back in your time travel machine looking for those ‘lipstick lesbian’ t-shirt wearing potential girlfriends. If this is the case, you could try sending a carrier pigeon.

If she rejects you, do your best to take it gracefully. Tell her you wish her the best, and that you had a nice evening with her, but you respect her wishes. Then, tell her you have to get off the phone because you have some things to do.”

Hurry up off that phone and tell her you have better things to do. Like washing your hair. Or planning your revenge on her. You could ask her if she has a rabbit. And don’t forget to mention the respect. Especially if she has a rabbit.


10. Going all the way.

Ask her if she would be interested in being your girlfriend. After you have been going out for a while, and you feel comfortable with her, ask her what she thinks about having a more serious, committed relationship. Understand that she may say no, and try to be understanding. If she says yes, then it’s time to celebrate!”

If you have managed to find a girlfriend using these techniques I would ask her if she would mind having a psychological assessment before you ask her to commit to you. You might wish to get one done for yourself at the same time. And don’t wear your lipstick lesbian t-shirt to the appointment.

Is ‘Partner’ A Better Word Than ‘Girlfriend’ For Describing The Person You Are Romantically Involved With?

Girlfriend or boyfriend has always been used to describe our other halves, but sometimes members of the LGBTQ community are not comfortable with using these terms. It’s easy to understand why.

For example, girlfriend or boyfriend is the generic term for heterosexual couples to use for each other which implies a strict gender identity. Many people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer the terms boyfriend or girlfriend is a constant reminder that society only views gender as man or woman and there is no area in-between. It pushes trans people out of the romantic language completely.

That’s not comfortable for transgendered people so they tend to prefer the term partner which doesn’t identify a gender.

The other issue is what the word girlfriend or boyfriend implies. To heterosexual couples it simply means you are dating and in some kind of relationship, whether it is serious or not. But for lesbians that’s not so straightforward and it’s hard to explain to people outside of our own community.

For example, if you are in a casual fling, is the other girl your ‘girlfriend’? Are you ‘girlfriends’ if you occasionally hook up romantically but both agree not to date? In the case of lesbians and the complicated structures of our romantic status, the term girlfriend implies a relationship whereas the term partner doesn’t hold these connotations.

Another thing to consider is for those who are perhaps not out to everybody or are not comfortable telling people about their sexual identity. For example, using the word partner won’t bring unnecessary attention to your sexual orientation. When we meet someone for the first time it’s hard to tell if that person is homophobic and it might cause you problems if you out yourself to them straight away, especially if you are meeting new colleagues at work or are surrounded by a group of people you don’t know.

In situations like these, using the word partner can protect you in uncertain circumstances. Of course, some people don’t care what others think and will use the term girlfriend or boyfriend whomever they are talking to, but not everybody is comfortable doing this.

Some people in the LGBT community are very happy to use the term ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and that’s fine. It is a case of what works best for the individual. But it seems that many of us are now using the word partner a lot more simply for the fact that it doesn’t imply things we don’t want it to imply and it’s a way of avoiding labelling, gender identity and homophobia.


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Research Helps Explain Why Women Have Orgasms

The female climax has puzzled scientists and philosophers for hundreds of years, simply because a female orgasm is not connected to reproduction and is not always achieved by all women. So why do we orgasm?

Research by Elisabeth Lloyd, a professor of history and philosophy of science, might explain the evolutionary role of the female orgasm as well as its implications for sexual health.

Lloyd has claimed that the orgasm is a by-product of evolution. She states:

It appears as the reason that females don’t have orgasm with intercourse at a very high level has to do with the anatomy of the genitals,” Lloyd said. “If the clitoris is far away from the vaginal opening, then the woman does not tend to have orgasm with intercourse.”

Elisabeth has spent many years researching the female orgasm, from the anatomy of the clitoris to theoretical explanations of its evolutionary purpose. She went on to say:

The measurements are pretty clear, and they’re pretty predictive.”

Lloyd has examined statistical techniques of measuring genitalia and found methods on how to determine whether a woman achieved orgasm or not. Lloyd has given interviews in many women’s magazines and claims whether a woman orgasms through a form of penetration or not is nothing to do with the woman herself.

She’s not too religious, she’s not uptight and immature. There’s nothing wrong with her.”

Lloyd believes that the female orgasm developed as a by-product of a male orgasm which is a necessity for reproduction. In a male embryo the genitals form at around eight weeks and the same happens to females, but as a female orgasm is not necessary for reproduction our orgasm is the by product.

Lloyd also published a paper with Justin Garcia, associate director for research and education of the Kinsey Institute, on the rate of orgasm with sex of lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual women.

They studied 19 different sexual acts, included deep kissing, genital fondling, oral sex and penetration that occur in sex between heterosexual, gay and bisexual women. Lloyd continued:

This is the first paper that does a systematic study of the lesbian orgasm rate, and so this is a ground-breaking study that we did.”

Even as a graduate student Lloyd found that many studies on the female orgasm required more evidence. Her theory that the female orgasm was a by-product of a male’s orgasm had been suggested before. She says:

Only one theory had serious evidence supporting it, and that theory was rejected by most scientists in the field. My work resuscitated a theory that had fallen by the wayside.”

Lloyd plans to continue her studies on the female orgasm and is doing so through more surveys and investigations to further support her theory.


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12 More Things You Should Do More in Your Relationship

Back in September, we ran an article about some of the things that you and your partner should do more often to have a happier relationship.

Believe it or not, that long list was far from exhaustive – there are still 12 more things you should try to do more, if you’re looking to have the happiest, healthiest relationship you’ve ever had.

Are you ready to take these 12 tips and make them your own?


Travel someplace new.

Traveling helps expand your world. You get the chance to learn about a new culture, if you travel far enough, and you get to try new things. Plus, when you travel with your partner, you have plenty of time to get to know each other better. Just make sure you set the perfect road trip playlist before you leave. If you and your partner have different taste in music, make sure you’re giving a good balance of her songs and your songs, as well as a few you both enjoy.


Go on a hike.

Hiking is a great way to stay in shape, and you might just have an adventure while you’re out. First, set aside a full day for the fun adventures you’re about to have. Get packed up for a picnic, and make sure you have something to keep mementos in. After all, you’re creating memories – so you want to make sure you’ve got a way to remember them. (If you’re hiking somewhere protected, bring along a camera instead – it may be illegal to remove anything from the natural habitat.)


Try a new restaurant or eatery.

As great as home-cooked meals are, there’s something stress-busting about letting someone else do the cooking and the dishes. You don’t always want to “work” for your date, but you don’t want to let things get too mundane either. It’s great to have a favorite place – but if you’ve never tried Thai, Indian, or Peruvian food, you might as well check them out with your partner. Even if you don’t like the food, you’ve created a great memory with your partner – and that’s more important.


Build your “love maps.”

If you’ve never heard of a love map, don’t fret – it’s simply a guide to the inner workings of your partner. Relationship researcher and author John Gottman suggests that couples who have a deep understanding of the things that are important to each other have a happier relationship over all. Little things, big things, and everything in between – what matters to her? Check out this list of questions if you’re stumped for what to talk about – and make sure you pay attention to the answers!


Go skydiving (or just do something exciting).

Maybe skydiving isn’t for everyone – I know it’s not really something I’m personally interested in. But it’s important that you try new, exciting things that get your blood pumping. Not only are you crafting memories, but you’re also increasing your blood-oxygen levels, which is proven to lead to better sex. Whether that blood-oxygen comes from exercise or adrenaline doesn’t really matter – just get excited!


Have more sex.

While we’re on the subject of “better sex,” it’s also important to have more regular sex. I’m not talking regular like “boring,” either. There’s a known connection between sexual satisfaction and happiness, and it’s not clear which is the cause and which is the effect – but it doesn’t hurt to give this one a shot anyway. Sex promotes the production of oxytocin and dopamine – which, respectively, bond you together and make you happy. Why wouldn’t you want to have more sex?


Meditate.

I am all about meditating these days. It’s so great for your brain – it promotes better stress-battling tactics, better sex, better focus, more clarity, and even better sleep. It might seem a bit awkward at first, but it’s a lot simpler than you might think. I personally use the Calm app daily, but there are many other meditation apps, sites, and guides out there. Find the one that works best for you, and make it a daily habit that you do together!


Keep a “conflict journal.”

While it’s tempting to hash out a fight right when things start to bother you, research shows that it’s better to write things out from an impartial stance. Journaling about what happened, from a third-party, neutral stance, you can separate yourself from your opinions about the subject and instead approach things with more empathy and understanding. You don’t need to share these journals with each other, although you can if you choose. It’s just important to evaluate things without letting those pesky emotions get in the way.


Take on a new hobby.

Hobbies are great. Not only do they help you grow yourself as a person, but when you engage in a hobby with someone you care about, you’re more likely to enjoy the experience – even if you don’t like the particular hobby. Plus, hobbies are a great alternative to traditional dates, especially when you choose something that sounds interesting to both of you. Even if you don’t like it after all, you’ve made a memory and a story to tell.


Run an obstacle course or fun run.

Brief story time: I used to work for a marathon photography company. I got to see first-hand how excited people are when they finish something they set out to do. Obstacle courses, in particular, require hard work and training – both of which can carry over to your relationship quite well. My girlfriend and I are attending a “zombie run” this weekend, but the events available near you may be different. Check with your local community center, or do a quick internet search to see what’s close and within your budget – and then train for it! (Together, of course.)


Create shared meaning.

It’s important to maintain your autonomy, but it’s also important that you and your partner see eye to eye on certain things. “Shared meaning” is simply a rundown of the most important aspects of your relationship. What routines are most special to you? What holidays are important? What are your shared goals and expectations? What roles do you each play in your partnership? If you don’t agree the first time you talk through things, try to find a compromise that benefits both of you – and then roll with it.


Spend an extra 6 hours together every week.

That might seem like a lot of extra time – but really, it’s a lot of little times that are doable. Here’s the breakdown:

  • 2 minutes per work day (10 minutes per week): Briefly talk about what’s on your partner’s schedule that day, and give her a nice send-off. If you work different schedules, you may need a few more minutes each week, but it still doesn’t take much.
  • 20 minutes per day (1:40 per week): Give each other a hug and kiss when you reunite, and spend some time talking about your day. As we discussed in the previous installment, it’s important to talk about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the embarrassing stuff.
  • 5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Tell your partner what you’re grateful for. Chances are, there’s a lot that she does that you haven’t properly thanked her for.
  • 5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Physical affection, especially before bed. Even if you’re not “a cuddler,” there are known (and well-documented) benefits of cuddling with the person you love. Use those benefits to bring you closer together!
  • 2 hours per week: Make a regular, recurring date. This can be any of the ideas we’ve outlined so far, or something else entirely. Just make sure you’re spending dedicated time together every single week.
  • 1 hour per week: Have a weekly recap session, discussing the things that went well as well as the things that didn’t. Ask your girlfriend what you can do to make her happier, and offer her suggestions that would make you happier, too.

Why I Have Given Up On Coming Out

Growing up gay, and coming out always seemed to be the most honourable and logical next step in being open and comfortable with my own sexuality.

But, as soon as I got to University, I stopped coming out. What changed?

The teen years and the closet

Being a young lesbian in a small town in Portugal, and coming out never seemed that big of a deal. I wasn’t seen as gay or straight, I was simply Carol.

As time passed, and with LGBTQ rights being more openly discussed, coming out became a necessity and not a luxury.

But what is the point of coming out? To me, it was a rather foreign concept, as was for most of my friends and family. As I saw it, coming out has a sort of magical effect: my loved ones went from discussing gay rights to discussing my rights.

The true realisation that when they opposed gay marriage or adoption by same sex couples, they weren’t just denying these experiences to some unknown gay person, but directly denying it to me: their friend, their daughter, their peer.

And so, I came out. Step by step I broke the news to friends, then my sister, then, much later, my mom. And I have been extremely fortunate in all the reactions I got so far, with nothing but love and support from those closer to me.

Am I still in the closet if I don’t come out?

As I moved to a foreign country and started a new chapter of my life as University student, something changed. I stopped coming out altogether.

Not out of shame or fear of rejection, simply because I didn’t feel the need to do so anymore. I cut my hair short, didn’t hold back about my sexuality, and decided to live my life as an open book. If the military had “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, I have “If they ask, just tell”.

And it works for me! Not making a big deal out of coming-out, has definitely helped me feel like I belong, while still being openly gay.

But there was a key step between these two outlooks on coming out; coming out to my mom. I still remember how nervous I was, handing herthe letter that would, without a doubt, change our relationship. As I anxiously saw her finish reading it, putting the letter down, and calmly saying “I know. And I love you.”

I just knew that my need to come out was finally put to rest.

But what’s next?

As University comes to an end, and the job hunt starts, I have wondered how will my views on coming out change? Will I disclose my sexuality to my co-workers and boss? Or will I stay quiet until asked?

I am excited to find out and, frankly, slightly terrified.


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How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Transgender

Take a deep breath.

Your girlfriend loves you. And if she truly loves you, then she will want to support you during your transition. Trust her love and tell yourself that no matter what, things will be okay.


Think about what you want.

What pronouns would you like to use? Are you considering hormone therapy? Do you want your other friends to know, or would you like to keep this a secret for the time being? You don’t have to have all of the answers, but keeping these concerns in mind will help you and your girlfriend plan for what’s next.


Remind your partner that you’re not becoming a new person.

You’re not suddenly changing your gender – you’ve always felt like this gender and you’re finally going public about it. Although you may experience some hormonal changes as you start treatments, you won’t be changing who you are – you’re just becoming more of yourself.


Be prepared to answer questions.

Your partner might not know a lot about the T in LGBT, so they’ll probably have questions. If they ask, they’re not trying to belittle you or discredit your identity; they want to learn more about your experiences and understand how they can be a better partner.


Have a support system.

Whether it’s a therapist or a trusted circle of friends, make sure that your support system extends beyond your girlfriend. No matter how supportive your girlfriend is, she can’t help you with everything, and she’ll need to have her own support system as well.


Give her time to adjust.

Your girlfriend may not jump for joy right away. She may have questions and concerns. She may be shocked. If you’re coming out as a trans* man and she’s always considered herself a lesbian, then this may be a challenge to her identity. Give her some space to adjust on her own time and don’t ask her to decide anything right away.


Remember why you’re doing this.

This is hard. And, especially if your girlfriend is less than supportive, you may be tempted to go back in the closest. But this journey is about being true to yourself. It will be hard, but it will be worth it!