Tag Archives: Dating Women

7 Difficult Truths About Lesbian Relationships

It can be amazing waking up next to the person you love more than anything in the morning. There’s no feeling like it. But there are some things that women in lesbian relationships have to deal with that hetros don’t really experience and that can make things harder for us.


When you tell people about your partner and get asked ‘who is the man?’

I know, right? This has to be the most outright, idiotic question that we get asked. There is no man. Period. We’re both women, get it? Apparently it’s hard for some people to understand a relationship can actually happen without a man playing a part in it.


Men trying to pull you both.

It seems that lesbians are fair game to some drunken men and they will think nothing of trying to take you home with them in order to become a legend amongst his friends. Usually an embarrassing put down in front of his friends does the trick as he quickly goes from legend to laughing stock in a matter of seconds.


The dreaded ‘exclusive’ and ‘dating’ words.

These words can so often become the biggest passion killer in the early phase of a relationship when you both argue, cry and talk about what these words mean to you both. Plus, the conversations will continue until the rules are firmly established. It’s really exhausting and can kill some relationships before they even get a chance to blossom.


Talking.

Boy, don’t us lesbians just love to talk to each other constantly? We ask each other what we are feeling, thinking, doing and what we mean and what we want on a daily basis. Communication is a fantastic thing but lesbians do tend to take the communication a step too far sometimes when no words are actually needed and a kiss would suffice.


The Sex disappears.

In the beginning we can barely keep our hands off of each other and then slowly the sex starts to disappear. It could be for many reasons but then both women start to feel too embarrassed or nervous to initiate sex so then the sex becomes even less and so the cycle begins.


Trying to play cool.

Why do we do this? What’s wrong with just being open and telling our boo that we are really into her and simply ask if she feels the same way? But we don’t. Instead both try to play it cool so we don’t appear too keen. Before we know it we’ve played it so cool and she’s suddenly become an ice maiden and no longer returns your calls.


When public displays of affection make others stare at you.

This has got to be the worst thing ever. All we want to do is stroll down the street holding hands and maybe share a kiss or a cuddle on a park bench once in a while, so why do we end up feeling like an exhibition in a zoo as people stare or shout at us? Let us just be a normal couple like millions of other couples. After all, we don’t stare and gawp at hetro couples so why do they do it to us?


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How Do You Know If She’s Gay?

Sussing out if that hot chick you’ve got your eye on is gay or not is not as difficult as it sounds. Sometimes it’s easy enough to tell. Like she’s sporting a rainbow tattoo or dresses in the kind of way that you just know she’s gay. But not all women wear their sexuality, as such. I’m always getting told I don’t look like a lesbian. I dress quite femme, wear make-up and have long hair. But so do many other lesbian’s, right? The same can be said for straight women that have short buzzcuts and dresses quite tomboyish. It doesn’t mean they are gay either.

That famous thing called our gaydar doesn’t always work, does it? In fact, I’m not even sure that all queers even have a gaydar. My girlfriend can never tell if a woman is a lez. If I introduce her to a new friend I’ve made and I ask her later if she thinks she’s a lesbian she gets it wrong nearly all the time, so much so that now she won’t play and even take a guess! My gaydar is not too bad on the whole, but, that could just be because I’m naturally flirty and I soon suss out if a woman is gay or not depending on whether she harmlessly flirts back or not. Straight women don’t usually flirt with lez’s as a rule. Well, unless they’ve had a few too many G & T’s and their curious side is taking over!

So how can you tell then? Well, believe it or not, there are some clues to look out for.


Trust your gut reaction

Sometimes our instincts just tell us if someone is gay or not. It’s not the same as a gaydar, where you can tell automatically, but if you are eying a woman up and smiling at her and she responds and your instinct is saying ‘she’s sooooo gay’ trust in it. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, OK, you could get knocked back and be so embarrassed you don’t want to leave the house again, but that’s not very likely if she’s eyeballing you back and your guts tells you she’s a lez. The next time this happens, just go for it.


But, don’t jump to conclusions

This is so important. As I mentioned before a femme looking woman isn’t necessarily straight and a butch looking woman isn’t necessarily gay.  If you automatically assume someone’s sexuality just by what they are wearing you could end up missing out on something great, so, go back to clue one and try some eye contact, a sexy smile and some good old flirting and see what happens.


Look how she reacts around men

A big indicator girls. Does she flirt around men, touch their hand or shoulder, laugh at their jokes, give girlie pouts when men are talking to her? If yes, she’s probably straight. Take it from a flirt extraordinaire, I never flirt with men in the same way I flirt with women. I have quite a few straight male friends and we have our own ‘type’ of friendly flirting between us, but that’s not how I flirt with women at all. So spend a bit of time watching how she behaves around men and women. If she flirts the same with both she could be bi. But if she doesn’t flirt at all with women but goes a bit giggly or doey eyed around men, she’s a hetro.


Ask her outright

Shock, horror, ASK her? Yep, ask her. It’s not as hard as it seems, honestly. You could simply ask her if she fancies going for a drink with you one night, or catching a movie together. Word it so it’s obvious that you are asking her on a date. Those kind of questions are not what we normally say when we make a new friend. Or you could simply ask her if she likes women. Most women won’t take offence at this in any way. In fact, a few weeks ago one of my friends asked a woman outright if she liked women and she replied ‘no, but I’m flattered you think I’m attractive.’ The worst thing that could happen is you make a straight woman’s day and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?


How Growing Up Affects Your Friendships

Friends hold an entirely unique place in the social hierarchy. Unlike our coworkers, our family members, or our classmates, we’re entirely in control of who gets a position. There’s no formal structure for how often you need to talk, or how long you have to know each other first, or anything – they’re entirely subject to choices and circumstances.

Since friendships are entirely voluntary, they’re easy to put on the back burner when other, more important commitments come up. We have to work. We have to spend time with our family. We have to pay attention to our partner. Our friends, on the other hand, will understand if we’re not there. Their circumstances change over time, too, and they know we’re thinking about them.

Quite simply put, we neglect them because we can. And it feels pretty messed up to put it like that.


Friendships are vital to your happiness, according to an overwhelming number of studies.

Like, for example, this study on how to be happy. Or this study on the source of youth happiness. Even this Time article about happiness points to “spending time with friends” as being the key to true happiness. They’re also good for heart health and depression, and although having friends isn’t a cure or an alternative to medical treatment, it can increase your chances of getting through the rough times.

Yet, still, we put them on the back burner.


Our expectations for our friends stay mostly the same.

According to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, all friendships demand the same three key elements. You want your friends to be someone you can talk to, someone you can depend on, and someone whose company you can enjoy. In most cases, “someone you can spend time with” isn’t considered a necessary quantifier. “The expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change.”

Basically, this means that your life is going to change, and your friendships are probably going to change, too, but you’re still going to want the same basic things – no matter where in life you are.


Young adulthood is the best time to form friendships.

Not only are young adults more secure in themselves, but they’ve also got the most time for social interaction, on average (especially for young adults who go to college). There are less responsibilities than there were in high school, and still less than there will be after college. Since they’re finally aware of what their core values may be, they’re more likely to seek out friendships with people who share those values.

Likewise, the relationships get more complex and meaningful, as our friends are there to help us discover those things that matter to us. We’ve stopped trying to impress each other, and instead we’re focused on the person we can be. Statistically speaking, from the age of 20-24 years old, people will spend more time with their friends than at any other point in their lives. Our friends during this time will help us figure out who we really are – a desire that’s only deepened since graduation.


Then, at some point in our 20s, we develop a desire for freedom.

According to Rawlins, we start to develop a dual-edged desire for freedom. We want the freedom to be independent of our friends, our family, and our romantic partners. Yet, at the same time, we want freedom to lean on them when we need to. We move away from the people who mean so much to us, and then we try to keep the relationship alive across the distance (whether that relationship was romantic or platonic).

It may be the first time you live alone, and you need to get a “real job” to help pay for it. You can’t get by with part-time anymore. You tell your good friends about this new opportunity, and you wait for them to bless the opportunity, in a way.

“She’s essentially saying, ‘You’re free to go. Go there, do that, but if you need me I’ll be here for you,’” Rawlins explains. This is what we’re waiting for, every time – that permission to move on with our lives, without any hard feelings. Sometimes, it’s simply implied – we don’t have to ask our best friend for everything. After a while, we stop asking at all.


It gets easier to put off our friends.

In the second half of your 20s, and for a few decades after that, our friendships become a lot less of a priority. Work and family take a priority, and our friendships and personal hobbies start to fade into the background. The largest dropping-off period in your entire life happens right after you get married – isn’t that sad?

We no longer have time to spend with the “optional” people in our lives, because we’re too busy with the things that are “mandatory”. If a friend doesn’t happen to fall within our day-to-day routine, chances are slim that we’ll keep nurturing that friendship. However, our friendships with the other parents at our kids’ school, our coworkers, and that girl you run into at the coffee shop every week stay just a bit stronger, because we get to see these people on a more regular basis.


There are different types of friends.

When it comes to making friends, there are generally three different types of people, says Rawlins. Independent people, by nature, make friends easily throughout their day-to-day lives. They don’t have as many deep connections, but they are able to make a friendly acquaintance anytime they go places. They are usually outgoing.

Discerning people, on the other hand, don’t make friends as easily as independent people – but they form a much stronger bond with the friends they do make. They form long-term friendships that last well into adulthood, and they’d rather keep in touch with those friends than go out of their way to make new ones. Their bond is so strong that, if something were to happen to one of those long-term friendships, their social outlook would be devastated.

Rawlins says that the most flexible type of people are acquisitive. These people are able to keep in touch with their old friends, while also being able to make new friends. They may lean more one way or the other, but they tend to have more friends overall.

There are also different types of friendships, according to Rawlins. He says that a friendship can be defined as either active, dormant, or commemorative. Try to take a look at your personal friends list (not necessarily the one you keep on social media) and see which you can identify:

  • Active friendships are ones where the parties involved stay in touch regularly. They can offer each other emotional support, as well as asking for it, without things being weird. To some extent, they know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
  • Dormant friendships are built on history, but they may not have been nurtured in a while. You still consider this person a friend, even though you haven’t spoken to them in a while. If they suddenly called and asked you to meet up, you’d happily accept the offer and catch up as if no time had passed.
  • Commemorative friendships are merely a representation of a particular time in your life. These friendships are built on nostalgia, but you don’t really expect to talk with each other. If they messaged you out of the blue, things may be weird, because you’re not the same person you were when they were important to you – but you don’t want to let go of the memories, which you feel are attached to the friendship itself.

Social media keeps friendships alive, but only mechanically.

According to Rawlins, those commemorative friendships tend to be the people we add on social media, even though we really don’t care how their life is going. We have our mental image of them, and their social media posts showing that they’re someone else now “dilutes the magic” of their memory.

They’ve changed, and the person they are now is in competition with your mental association with them. Rawlins says that these friendships are best to let go of, because the basis of the friendship has already gone – at this point, you’re really just keeping tabs on one another.

For the dormant friendships, it lets us “be there for each other” without actually being there. We feel as if we’re just a few clicks away, and at a moment’s notice, we can exchange a few stories and build our relationships. Friendships based on storytelling aren’t necessarily bad, either – but they are a different type of friendship than those built on shared experiences.

Social media lets us distribute our attention evenly to all three types of friendships, as we interact with each other. Suddenly, the girl you took 7th grade Spanish class with, your ex-girlfriend, and your lifelong BFF all get the same amount of attention, and the same amount of insight into your life.

Since we’re “broadcasting” and “interacting”, instead of “sharing” and “listening,” it’s hard to maintain a satisfying relationship with just an online presence. We resist the human urge to get to know each other better, because we feel that everything we need to know is laid out right in front of us. We start to let go.


We stop relying on each other so much.

As time goes on, your longer-term friendships don’t need as much nurturing, because they’re already well-developed. We don’t need our friends as much, because we have other people in our lives who fill the voids. We have relaxed expectations from our friends, because we know that they’re still there for us, no matter what. The relationship takes a new turn as it becomes deeper than it was before.

Almost like magic, our friendships are now based on mutual understanding and agreement. You know that you’re there for each other in every way you can be – you don’t feel the need to say it. Your time spent together is great, but it’s more important to find a way to be there for each other that works for you.

(And, thankfully, it all balances out in the end. The friendships that last until you’re in retirement will be rewarded with all sorts of new time to spend together – and so many stories to catch up on!)

6 Signs Your Relationship Is Already Over

Don’t you wish there was some simple way to tell if someone was bad news on the first date, instead of having to wait for them to screw things up royally? Well, most likely, those signs were there, but you ignored them because you didn’t want to judge the other person “unfairly”. Sadly, all that happens when you ignore these red flags is… Well, you end up being the one treated badly. Things aren’t always as they seem… But sometimes, they’re exactly like they seem.


#1: She won’t make any concrete plans with you.

So, you might know that I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to planning. I like to have a plan (and a back-up plan) for pretty much everything. I know not everyone gets as “into” planning as I do, and that’s perfectly fine. But there’s a difference between “not being a planner” and “never planning dates ahead of time”.

If she’s always calling you at the last minute, or flaking on the plans she does make, she’s probably not really in it. Stuff happens sometimes. But the more you let it happen, the more it’s going to happen. If she also expects you to drop everything for her, while she refuses to make you a priority, you’re not her girlfriend – you’re her back-up plan.


#2: She talks shit about her exes.

We’ve all been through some stories in our relationships, I’m sure. I know I’ve had my fair share of drama, trauma, and even all-out insanity. But well-adjusted people don’t live in the past, whether it’s good or bad. They have processed the information, learned from it, and moved on with their lives. If your girlfriend is still hanging onto those old memories, she might not be over her ex, or the damage done.

From another perspective, think about how you’d feel if you were in her ex’s position. (Because, statistically speaking, you’re probably going to break up anyway.) Would you feel comfortable if she gave that type of information about you to someone she had just started dating? If the answer is no, it’s better to get out before she gets that information on you in the first place.


#3: You make jokes at your own expense.

Making disparaging remarks never really has a good place in a relationship, but when you’re making those remarks about yourself, things get extra complicated. Women try this because they’ve heard that humility is sexy, and it definitely can be. But it’s important to note the differences between being humble and being self-deprecating.

When you make a habit of disrespecting yourself, over time, you teach your partner that she doesn’t have to respect you, either. After all, we’re supposed to treat ourselves better than everyone else does, and even if you’re used to being stuck on the back burner, you don’t want to tell your partner you have no value. Even the most well-intended girlfriend can start to get disrespectful if you teach her that’s what you think you deserve.


#4: You always have to make the first move.

Listen… I understand that some women are just not that talkative. In fact, studies have actually shown that women don’t generally talk as much as we say they do. But if you’re always the one to send the first text, or the one to do the calling, you might want to start paying attention. You deserve to get a reasonable amount of effort, too.

I know it can be hard to assert your need for attention without sounding clingy. And, it can even seem petty – particularly if your partner has led you to believe you’re being petty. But the reality is that you are allowed to expect attention. You don’t have to keep a running tally to keep things exactly even, but if things are starting to get a bit one-sided, bring it up – or get ready to start packing.


#5: You don’t feel like a partner.

While we’re talking about things being one-sided, it’s important that you realize this translates to other areas of the relationship, too. Both partners need to be well invested before making any long-term commitments. Feel free to ask as many questions as you need to make sure your needs are being met.

Let’s look at this one a different way. Relationships are, basically, a business arrangement. Would you want to give up your 50% to a partner who wasn’t pulling their weight, or who you didn’t really know too well? Most likely, you wouldn’t – so don’t subject your (irreplaceable) heart to worse fates than your (replaceable) income.


#6: Your intuition is going haywire.

When our intuition starts acting up, it’s easy to write it off as being “our insecurities” and “our anxieties”. It’s easy to write them off, because we know they’re illogical… Right? But when someone is showing you signs that they’re not worth the time you’ve put into them, repeatedly, there’s a chance that you’re not just imagining things.

Our anxieties and insecurities, at their core, are designed to alert us of danger. Those insecurities aren’t always baseless, especially if your partner is relentlessly trying to convince you to ignore them. (Chances are good that her defensiveness is a clue in itself.) Your anxiety might not always be accurate, but it’s worth investigating – just in case it’s not all in your head.


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Fall Date Ideas For You And Your Girlfriend

Make your own pumpkin spice latte.

You could spend $5 at Starbucks, or you could brew a homemade, extra creamy pumpkin spice latte at home.

  1. In the fall, many grocery stores carry pumpkin spice teas. If it’s not on the shelves yet, order it from Amazon.
  2. Heat four cups of whole milk on the stove. When the milk begins to boil, turn off the stove and pour two steaming mugs of milk.
  3. Place one tea bag in each mug, and let it steep for 2-4 minutes. The milk will turn brown-orange.
  4. Stir in sugar to taste. For an extra kick of flavor, add whipped cream or chocolate chips.
  5. Enjoy!

Thrift for scarves.

The best part of thrift-shopping is finding unexpected treasures, and the best part of fall is bundling up in heavy scarves – combine the two to stay warm and fashionable! You get bonus points for finding a matching hat and gloves.


Knit your own socks.

Knitting may look like a complicated process of weaving and knotting, but it’s much easier than it looks (and some people say crochet is even easier than that). You and your girlfriend can snuggle up while learning to knit. You’ll get the hang of it in no time.

Yarn is super cheap, so experiment with bundles of different colors; you can buy rainbow yarn, ombré yarn, pattered yarn, blanket yarn, camel yarn, cobbler-colored yarn and even yarn that looks like an Istanbul mosaic.

Knitting a pair of socks may take up to a month, but if you’d rather crochet, that only takes a few hours.


Become a tea connoisseur.

Plain black tea gets boring fast. Have you tried honey lavender? Or ambrosia plum? Spiced apple chai is great with a dollop of honey and an extra sprinkle of cinnamon.

Buy a tea sampler of selections from around the world. Learn to brew Chinese tea the traditional way, savor the rooibos teas that are popular in South Africa, and make traditional Moroccan mint tea after dinner. If you buy a French press, you can make loose leaf teas and Argentinian mate.


Take a break at the beach.

This might seem counterintuitive – shouldn’t you celebrate autumn by leaping headfirst into a pile of leaves?

Yes. But after you’re done jumping in leaves, savor the last bits of summer by making a sandcastle. Head down to the coast with your girlfriend and several friends, and crack a cold drink while soaking up the sunshine. Split a plate of chili cheese fries. Wade in shirtless. You’ll be the only ones in your city with a September tan.

And afterward, go make yourself some pumpkin spice lattes.

What’s The Right Way To Be Gay?

I was the face of my college’s LGBT Center.

As the student staff member, I organized pride parties, movie screenings and discussion groups. The same crowd came to every event: feminine lesbians with long blonde hair and quirky t-shirts, gay men so attractive they looked could model for GQ, a few girls who looked like Ellen Page, and the occasional grad student who hogged the cheese plate. I knew everyone by face and name.

But one night, the crowd changed. When I showed up to Trans Day of Remembrance, I didn’t recognize anyone there.

The usual Abercrombie-like crowd had been replaced by queer people who never came to the LGBT Center. A girl in a wheelchair sat near the front. A few transgender students chatted with a staff member. Genderqueer students flashed their painted nails and smoothed out their dresses. A stud ran a hand over her shaved head. Most but not all of the students were people of color, and a mixture of English and Spanish and Chinese filled the air.

I approached a butch woman who was eyeing the cheese plate, and I said, “I’ve never seen you here before.”

“I’ve never come before.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too…”

She waved her hand around the room without saying anything. The walls were covered with framed photographs of the Center’s usual clientele, those grinning, cisgender, affluent students who differed so drastically from the crowd that was gathered. Trans Day of Remembrance is one of the few events dedicated to mourning victims of transphobic violence, many of whom are poor and non-white and marginalized. Every other day of the year, the Center was more dedicated to throwing L-Word Watch Parties than fighting homophobic systems of oppression on campus.

I invited her and her friends to some upcoming events, but they never came. And I, as a queer woman of color, began to question my own complicity; I’d worked at the LGBT Center all year without questioning whether we were really serving the students.

Months later, the LGBT Center finally started special discussion groups for transgender students, disabled students, asexual students and students of color. The changes were incremental, but they happened – finally, it became a safe space where all students were welcome.

It’s so easy to take safe spaces for granted if you’re able-bodied, cisgender or affluent. As an LGBT woman, you might not be welcomed into certain heterosexual spaces (and I’m not discounting that) but are you making LGBT spaces welcoming and affirming for all members of the community? Or are you accidentally making people feel unsafe? One of the most important things you can do is to check your microaggressions.


Dear transgender people, nonbinary people, people of color, disabled people, intersex people – to any lesbian who doesn’t fit the bill for what a lesbian “should” look like – to any queer woman who doesn’t look like Portia de Rossi – I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the safe spaces that weren’t safe for you. I’m sorry for all of the LGBT spaces you’ve been locked out of. I’m sorry when you’re afraid to enter certain spaces because you know you’ll be ostracized, patronized or expected to conform.


The beauty of being queer is that we don’t have to look like just one thing. As a community, we need to embrace that diversity and welcome a wide range of people into LGBT spaces.

The Most Common Lesbian Stereotypes – And Why They’re Ridiculous

Over the ten years since I came out of the closet (and for a few years before then), I think I’ve heard pretty much every lesbian stereotype out there. Between the crazy idea that we all play softball (well, I did for exactly one season – wasn’t for me), the audacious notion that we all hate men (I’m still learning how to have female friends, actually), and even the seemingly-harmless idea that you can predict someone else’s sexuality before they officially come out to you…

Just like any other stereotypes, though, just because you’ve heard it, and even seen it confirmed once or twice, does not mean that it applies to everyone. Here are some of the most ridiculous lesbian stereotypes I know. How many did you believe?


Myth: Being a lesbian is really all about men.

For some reason, most people assume that lesbians are lesbians because of a man, or that the right man would magically “fix” their lesbianism. While these types of comments are usually delivered with noble intentions, they miss the mark – by a long shot.

“Lesbians are victims of physical or sexual abuse by a man.”

While this one is sometimes true, it’s important to note that women are statistically at-risk for physical and sexual abuse by a partner or family member, regardless of the way they identify. It’s also not possible to consciously change your sexual identity – otherwise, there would be a lot more lesbians out there. (I’m joking, of course.)

“Lesbians hate men.”

Again, I can’t really speak for everyone here, but I’ve never been a man-hater. I’ve never been a person-hater. In fact, I have a really hard time hating anything – and I know I’m not alone. That being said, literally every lesbian I personally know has men in her life who she cares deeply about. (She just doesn’t want to have sex with those men.)

“There has to be a butch and a femme, because you need a man and a woman.”

For starters, the idea that butch women are men or want to be men or seek to act like men is completely unfounded. In fact, I think the terminology you’re looking for is “trans man”, not “butch lesbian”. It’s also scientifically proven that there aren’t really any major differences between men and women, besides biological and social.

“You just haven’t been with the right guy yet.”

This one is usually considered the most offensive of the male-based stereotypes, because it implies that “the right guy” could magically “fix” the dreaded lesbianism. You see how that might be taken just a little bit negatively? Many women thoroughly experiment with their sexuality before definitively coming out, and your arbitrary decision that her identity is wrong is deplorable.


Myth: Sex toys define our sexual identities.

Despite the fact that there are no absolutes when it comes to sex toys (or sexual identities), people still feel the need to guess at the sex lives of others. There are assumptions made about a deeply personal matter – what goes on in the privacy of one’s bedroom – and often, those assumptions are way off.

“Lesbians use dildos because they secretly miss penises.”

First of all, a dildo is not a penis. (Most) men don’t have to pay for their penises, and (most) men don’t have the luxury of choosing the size, shape, color, and material that their penis is made out of. What might be even more of a surprise is that not all lesbians even use dildos. (Oh, and then there’s the fact that straight women in relationships with men use them, too… But we’re not going to go into that one today.)

“If she was really a lesbian, she wouldn’t use sex toys.”

Admittedly, I believed this one for a long time. I resented any lesbians I knew who used any sort of toy. I felt that, somehow, it meant she was “less gay”. And then… I tried sex with sex toys. Let me tell you… My experience using sex toys with women is vastly different than my experience sleeping with men was. Amazingly enough, your attraction to the person doing things to you means a hell of a lot more than what they’re using to stimulate you.

“It doesn’t count as real sex unless…”

No, stop right there. “What counts as sex” is a deeply personal decision, but most women agree that sex is a lot more than just penetration, or just orgasms, or just any one particular thing. In the grand scheme of things, no one’s “sex” should be limited to one particular activity. Can you imagine how boring that must be after a couple of months?


Myth: Lesbians’ sex lives are boring (or super wild).

And, on that note, there’s this big thing about lesbians having boring sex lives. Or, if it’s not that one, it’ll be the idea that lesbians stop talking to their friends because they’re too busy having sex 24/7. But, for me personally, this has never been the case. Sure, we go through ebbs and flows – but doesn’t everyone?

“Lesbian bed death is unavoidable and usually means the end of the relationship.”

Well, in any long-term relationship, things are bound to get stale from time to time. That doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to each other anymore, either – it just means that, at that point in your relationship, there are more important things to worry about. Usually, this comes and goes – just like in any other long-term relationship. I’m not really sure why people think that all lesbians (and only lesbians) face this, or why it’s seen as such a big deal.

“I bet you’re looking for a threesome.”

I’m not even sure exactly where to start with this one. Most women who identify as lesbians have no real interest in having a sexual relationship with a man, and a lot of lesbians won’t even have sex with bisexual women in the first place. Plus, what makes you think we’re not monogamous? Sure, some of us aren’t… But that doesn’t mean that none of us are committed to our partners.

“I bet you guys have sex like, all the time.”

For some of us, that might be true. I’ve been with women whose sex drives were totally through the roof. For a brief period of time during my young-adult life, I was pretty sex-crazed, too. But, just like with straight women, we’re not always in the mood. (Although, science has shown that lesbians have more orgasms.)

“All lesbians are amazing in bed.”

I think this one started off from within the lesbian community – and, quite frankly, I’ve been with a few women who proved that sexual prowess is not universal. What’s more than that is that, for the large majority of us, sex isn’t really that big of a deal. It’s nice, but it’s not everything we are.


Myth: You can tell someone is a lesbian just by looking at her.

Every single time I hear someone say, “But you don’t look like a lesbian!” or “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian!” I have the overwhelming urge to do a table-flip. Then again, I’m one of those lesbians who gets that from lesbians, straight men, straight women, and bisexuals of all varieties. Definitely one of the most irritating stereotypes out there, and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to change.

“Lesbians hate shaving and wearing makeup. They’re into sports and they dress like men.”

Just because a woman wears less “feminine” clothing or participates in more “masculine” activities doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian. We wish it was that simple, but thankfully, that means that lesbians are a gorgeous, diverse, and super vast group – we don’t have to fit into one particular fashion bracket to know who we are.

“Pretty, femme lesbians are just faking it for male attention. Lesbians don’t like wearing high heels or dresses.”

As a lesbian who likes rocking heels just as much as I enjoy a good pair of sneakers, I don’t think your shoes are an accurate predictor of your sexuality. Besides, it was a straight girl who showed me my first pair of Vans – and she wears hers a lot more than I wear mine. And, by the way, you’re not allowed to decide that someone else’s sexuality is fake – you have no idea what’s going on in her head, her heart, or her bedroom. Gaydar is a crap shoot at best, guys.


Myth: The media portrays mostly accurate lesbian characters.

Most people know about lesbians through The L Word and pornography, and – because they don’t have much to compare to – they get this idea that all lesbians are really like that. Then, when they meet a lesbian who isn’t like the picture they’ve built up in their minds, they reject the alternate possibility. That is why we’re pushing for more lesbians on TV – not because we’re trying to take over.

“Lesbian life must be just like The L Word/Orange is the New Black/insert any other television show or movie with a lesbian character here.”

For the most part, the representation that gets the biggest audience is the one that gets renewed – and really, most lesbians are no more exciting than your average straight person. We watch TV shows when it’s hard to look away – after all, everyone likes a train wreck. That doesn’t mean we all sleep with each other and steal each other’s babies.

“Lesbian sex must be just like [insert straight-male-produced porn film title here].”

I’m sure the phrasing of that particular stereotype gave a hint to the answer of this one. Most “lesbian porn” is made by people who have never had lesbian sex before, for people who have never had lesbian sex to watch. It’s hard to find good, feminist lesbian porn films, although the options are increasing in the last few years. But, basically, 99.99% of porn you see* is made by-and-for straight guys. It doesn’t have to be realistic, just hot.

(* = not an exact statistic.)


Myth: Lesbians can fit into one specific box.

Okay, so I went all super-general and went with the most basic stereotype of all: All ___ are ____. But, seriously… How do people still believe these things?

“Lesbians are psycho stalkers.”

Do you really mean psycho? Because I don’t think that word means what you think it means. While we’re at it, are you sure stalking is what you think it is? I mean, don’t get me wrong… Stalking is terrible. But it’s not “a lesbian thing”. Stalkers have a little more to do with mental illness than your sexual orientation.

“Lesbians are just confused.”

Fun fact: Coming out is hard. Like, really hard. I’ll go ahead and indulge the idea that some lesbians are confused – but I don’t think most of us are going to go through the trouble of coming out if we’re not sure about it.

“Lesbians are rude (especially towards men).”

Ugh. For my own personal sanity, I’ve got to believe that most lesbians (and everyone else on the planet) is a nice person. I know there are exceptions, and I can handle that. But shitty people are shitty people – they’re not that way because of their sexual orientation (and their attitude has a chance to change eventually).

Study Explores The Truth About Living Together

At some point in (almost) every relationship, the discussion about whether or not you’ll move in together will inevitably come up. Instinctively, we know that living with someone full-time brings us closer together, and increases the chances of seeing those big milestones. However, moving in with someone can be a huge and scary process, especially if you’ve never done it before. (Truth be told, it doesn’t exactly get any easier the more it’s happened – it’s just a bit different each time.)

Recently, we became aware of a study by Moshells about cohabitating couples and their preferences. They surveyed 500 people in live-in relationships to see how they felt were the important issues. They didn’t specify the sexual orientations of the study participants, but they did group the answers by (binary) gender and generation. Read on if you want a little insight into moving in with your girlfriend!


No one likes clutter.

When it comes to visiting your partner at her place (or living together, eventually), no one likes to see dirt and clutter. Men and women across the board reported that dirty bathrooms, piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink were all major turn-offs. Pictures and reminders of exes also ranked pretty high on the list – and we’re going to go ahead and call that “emotional clutter”.

When the results were broken down by generation, Moshells also discovered that baby boomers were turned off by cheap furniture and too many grooming products hanging around. Gen X’ers were more turned off by small beds and stuffed animals, while millennials were most turned off by roommates and smelly drains. (Although, who wouldn’t be?)


Having nice stuff is a good idea.

The number-one turn on for both men and women is a nice, big bed. Nice furniture and a good TV come in 2nd and 3rd place for women (3rd and 2nd place, respectively, for men). This isn’t too surprising, since you want to be comfortable – and there’s nothing comfortable about a twin bed, plastic furniture, or small, blurry televisions. Women also wanted their partners to have a way to wash and dry their clothes, and they wanted pets.

Again, the results by generation showed a slightly different picture. Baby boomers wanted to see art on the walls and books on the shelves, while generation X wanted to see high-quality furniture and nice liquor. Millenials preferred to see good computers and healthy food. (I think that all of these show that your budget is actually pretty important in the dating game, am I right?)


Once you move in together, you’re probably going to do more chores.

Most women said that they ended up doing more around the house once they’d moved in with their partner. 70% of women say they do more dishes, 77% cook more, and 80% did more laundry. Overall, 71% said they did more cleaning in general.


You might pick up some better habits, too.

Of the women surveyed, 31% woke up earlier after moving in with their partner. 19% spent less time in the bathroom, and 20% spent less time online. (Which really could just mean that they stopped scrolling through Instagram while indisposed.)

…or not.

42% of women said that they watch more TV now than they did before they lived with their partner. (But, to be fair, it’s way more fun to binge-watch a show with your girlfriend than it is by yourself.)


There will definitely be some challenges.

The biggest challenges of living together, in every group, were sharing a bathroom, and sharing household chore responsibilities. Baby boomer women in particular weren’t too thrilled about having to share their bathroom space, but over the course of their relationships, they tended to care less about sharing the bathroom. They also cared a little more about sharing their food (but, let’s be real – there’s only so much you can handle your girlfriend eating the last piece of cake).

Millenial women were the most concerned with sharing the household responsibilities (probably because the study showed they did most of the work!).


But, despite all the challenges, it’s still worth it.

None of these findings invalidate the fact that living with your girlfriend is awesome. Sure, it’s going to be scary and hard and you’re going to have to clean a lot more than you’re used to, you still get to wake up to her face, and fall asleep next to her. (Just make sure you’re being fair when you split up the chores!)

Don’t forget to check out the rest of the study here – there were a lot of other interesting finds, too!


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Modern-Day Date: Balancing The Demands Of Work With The Demands Of Your Girlfriend

In the morning, you take the train to separate offices. At night, you check work emails at dinner. Evenings are spent juggling networking events.

You and your girlfriend are excelling at your careers, but your relationship is suffering – how can you fix that?


Have a No-Work Zone.

If possible, making your whole apartment a No-Work zone and leave your work worries at the office. (As an added bonus, you’ll be more productive during the day if you know you won’t be able to catch up on work when you get home.) If that’s not possible, then turn off your phones during dinner, in bed and after 8 p.m.


Pencil each other in during the day.

When your schedules line up, meet your partner for lunch or coffee during the day. Even a twenty-minute coffee break will do wonders – suddenly, your girlfriend is part of your work day, even if it’s just for one day.


Eat breakfast or dinner together.

Preferably both. Grabbing breakfast together – even if it’s just a bagel and instant coffee – means that you start your day together, while sharing dinner is a nice time to connect over conversation each day.

But don’t let a single day go by when you eat all of your meals at the office or on the subway. You and your girlfriend can spare at least fifteen minutes for a meal together.


Sweat together.

Not just during sex, but also at the gym. Exercise increases your energy level throughout the day, and you should be exercising regularly anyway. Convince your girlfriend to pick up a gym membership too and you can start a new morning routine.

You don’t have to do the same activities at the gym – you can watch her do dumbbells while you hit the treadmill – but the fact that you’re there together gives you something else to bond over.


Go to events together twice a week.

I know, I know, you’re tired enough already without adding extra activities to your schedule, but hear me out. What does your typical workday look like? You wake up early, toil in an office, stagger home so tired you can barely stand, fall straight into bed, lather, rinse, repeat. If you add an event to your schedule – a salsa class, for example, or a movie screening or an art show – then you both have something to look forward to. Your workday doesn’t have to be your whole day.


Go to work events together.

I don’t mean staff meetings – no one wants to go to those. But if your office is having a Christmas party or your boss is throwing a casual mixer, then ask if you can bring your girlfriend as a plus one. She’ll feel more involved in your work life once she meets your coworkers, and it’s a great way to appease both your company and your girlfriend.


Life is hectic, but don’t let your relationship suffer for it. The more you and your girlfriend build a routine that doesn’t revolve around work – such as hitting the gym or cooking dinner – the closer you’ll become, despite your busy schedules.


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The Secret To Being Exactly Who You Want To Be

I am on a perpetual quest for self-discovery and self-development. I’ve always thought that learning was the key to everything else, so when I discovered how not lame self-help books really were… Well, let’s just say my addictive personality took over, and my life was forever changed.

It’s remarkable, though, that pretty much every one of those self-help books has revolved around the same core messages. I’m about to blow your mind – here’s exactly what you need to do to be the absolute best version of yourself.

Are you ready for this?


Start now.

It seems so simple – just get started. But we tell ourselves that we have to wait until we accomplish something else. We tell ourselves that it’s not the right time to make such a big change. We tell ourselves that we’re not ready, because we haven’t done enough research or we aren’t 100% sure yet. But the most successful people in life are the ones who stop waiting and start being. When you stop focusing on who you want to be in the future, you can actually start becoming that person. It’s all about taking the right steps to form the right habits.


Don’t worry about labels.

Most of the time, labels and titles are just a distraction from your real goals. You’re never going to be the exact description of anything in your life, so the sooner you can detach from it, the better your life will be. Titles don’t bring value or happiness to your life. They only exist to stroke your ego – and your ego is only going to mess things up for you.


You are what you do.

You are not the person you used to be, nor are you the person you want to be – you are the person who does the things you do. That’s really just a complicated way to say that you need to be consistent, if you want to stay the person you want to become. You don’t get credit for who you used to be, and you don’t get credit for dreams you don’t reach – so stop making up excuses, and start being who you want to be!


Other people don’t matter.

Stop worrying about what other people think of you. In many cases, they aren’t thinking of you as much as you’d like to think, and their opinions don’t assign value to your life even if they do. True happiness comes from the way you feel about the choices you make, and no one else is obligated to agree with them.


Know when to let go of your dreams.

Sometimes, the things you think you wanted end up being completely wrong for you. That’s okay! It’s hard to know what you want until you’ve had a taste of it, so you shouldn’t concern yourself with figuring everything out right away. Sometimes plans change (up until a couple of years ago, I was convinced I wanted to be an architect!) and sometimes they’re just not suited to us. As long as you learn something from the experience, it was worth it.


Not every calling is epic.

This is really hard for me to say, but… Not everyone is destined for internet fame. Not everyone is destined to be a heart surgeon or the next Pope. You can find your calling along the course of your life, and it doesn’t have to be anything fantastic. I’ve known people whose calling was in fast food, or teaching, or housekeeping. It doesn’t mean that they’re not incredible people or that they aren’t destined for greatness – their success comes from embracing the task at hand and doing it in a spectacular way. Be proud of who you are, and stop trying so hard to be someone else.


Focus on the present, but keep an eye on the future.

It’s important that you learn how to live in the now. Not only does over-planning increase the chances of procrastination (and, therefore, basically sabotage your dreams), but it also takes away the smaller joys of day-to-day life. Focus on being the best person you can, today, and start doing the things that will set you up for life.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

– Maya Angelou


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Don’t Freak Out If Life Isn’t Going To Plan

Many people set a life plan, especially once they’ve finished collage or fall in love. They plan when they will move in with their partner, they plan their career route and when they will get promoted. Some people make plans for everything and find it hard to accept when things don’t go according to plan.

But life is not like that. Variables have a habit of getting in the way. For example, you plan when you and your partner are going to get married. That’s not going to work if your chosen partner doesn’t believe in marriage, is it? What if you plan to leave home by the age of 25 and when you reach 25 you barely have enough money saved to pay for a night out? Feeling like a failure is not going to help your situation and will in fact just hinder your future even more.

So what should you do? Here are some ideas to help you accept things if your life plan just ain’t happening.


Try to be spontaneous

This can be quite difficult for people that like to plan things, but with practise it can be done. If you are the type of person that takes months to plan a weekend away then getting used to the idea of taking off on a whim can seem quite scary, so start of small. Start off by saying yes to a few things. If friends suggest going to an all-night takeaway at 3am, say yes and go! Say yes to some things that would normally send you off into a tailspin. Once you’ve practised doing a few spontaneous things it won’t take long before you are the one asking your friends to do some spontaneous things. Learning to let go and embrace the moment can be really liberating, once you learn to enjoy it.


Try to be more laid back

Try to stop yourself planning everything when you start a new job or meet a new partner. It doesn’t matter if you don’t always get to the end. All new relationships don’t always end in happy ever afters and not all new jobs will lead to that dream promotion. So try to take things day by day and let things just happen naturally rather than strive for them to happen. If they are supposed to happen they will, whether you spend ages planning for them or not.


Eliminate drama from your life

Drama and toxic people normally go hand in hand. So, distance yourself from any people in your life that cause you unnecessary drama. Dealing with constant drama can make you really uptight and being uptight is not the key to relaxing and going with the flow. If the drama is coming from your work, look for a new one, even if you had planned to stay with the company for a few years. Ditch the plan and ditch the drama. You’ll be a lot happier for it in the long run.


Set realistic boundaries

Sometimes things are just never going to happen, no matter how much you plan them to or want them to. If you take a step back and look at things rationally you will be surprised to see how many of your goals are not really achievable. You might have planned five years ago to get your own apartment by next year, but in five years the cost of things has gone up so much and if your earnings haven’t, then realistically you aren’t going to be able to afford to make your plan happen. If you start being realistic and honest with what is achievable and what isn’t you will take a lot of pressure off yourself.


Worry about your own opinion, not everyone else’s

Try not to worry if people start asking you why you are suddenly being more spontaneous or why you no longer seem to be striving obsessively towards your goals. Their opinions aren’t important. Your happiness is. People have probably always known you as a planner so if you suddenly don’t seem so focused to them, don’t worry about it. Just do what makes you happy and your true friends will accept the new you and even embrace it.


Accept your life

Realizing that not everything has to be written down, planned and followed to the T is part of letting go, so accept how your life is going for the moment and see what opportunities come along. And they will, for sure. When you are obsessing to reach a goal you are unlikely to see other opportunities that could be taken, but once you accept that and learn to say yes a lot more and take a few risks you will find that many new doors will open for you.

Couples Meditation For You And Your Girlfriend

Meditating by yourself teaches you how to be one with the universe. Meditating with your girlfriend teaches you how to be one with each other.


1. Select your soundscape.

Choose a track without words. I recommend either classical music or music made specifically for meditation. You can also choose silence.


2. Set a minimum time limit.

Together, decide how long you’d like to meditate for: maybe five minutes, maybe ten, maybe half an hour. Start small and work your way up.

Put a clock where one of you can see it. But don’t set an alarm – that will jolt you out of your reverie.


3. Sit with your back straight and face your partner.

When you think of meditation, you probably think of someone sitting on the floor in lotus position with their legs crossed and their middle fingers pressed to their thumbs.

You don’t have to meditate like this. You can sit in a chair with your feet on the ground, or you can sit on the ground with your legs folded. The important thing is that 1) you’re comfortable and 2) your back is straight to facilitate easier breathing.


4. Place your hands on your partner’s hands.

Place one hand face up on your knee and the other face down. Have your girlfriend do the same, so that you’re touching palm-to-palm.

Placing your hands palm-to-palm in front of you with your arms outstretched isn’t recommended, because your arms may get tired.


5. Look at each other.

Make eye contact with your partner, and fight the urge to laugh – eye contact can be tricky, but it’s important. (You’re allowed to blink.)

Look at your partner. Look at her looking back at you. It’s a cliché to “get lost in someone’s eyes,” but if you do this exercise right, you will.


6. Breathe at the same pace.

Inhale deeply for three counts, then exhale deeply for three counts. Make sure you and your partner are inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Get into a rhythm.


7. Release your mind.

Empty your mind. Stop consciously thinking of anything.

If thoughts pop up, don’t stress about them. Don’t follow them. Let them enter and exit on their own. Having thoughts doesn’t mean you’re “failing” meditation.

Allow yourself to relax. Release your muscles so that all you feel is the weight of your girlfriend’s palms on yours. Feel her heartbeat in your hand. Keep looking in her eyes.

Let the world melt away until you’re the only two people left.


8. Transition back to the real world slowly.

When your time ends, don’t immediately jolt back down to earth. Take a moment to appreciate the peace that you two cultivated, and pick a time to do it again – say, tomorrow morning?


If the meditation didn’t help you relax, don’t stress; it will come with time. The important thing is that you and your girlfriend keep practicing, cultivating a safe and quiet place where you can enjoy each other’s company.

The Keys To Making A Tough Lesbian Relationship Work

Let’s be really honest with each other for a second. Relationships can be pretty hard. When you’re a member of the LGBT community, things can be even harder, because you’ve got to deal with extra pressure from society (and maybe even your own family). Coming out isn’t even an option for everyone, which adds its own issues, on top of everything else out there. Yet, amazingly, lesbians still end up in these tough relationships – the work is worth it. Humans are inherently social creatures, after all.

Looking to make your tough relationship just a little bit easier? Follow these 5 rules and you’ll find yourself well on your way.


Embrace your disagreements.

When things start to get rough, we may find ourselves tempted to just go straight into denial. Put the problem out of your mind, and it can’t bug you, right? But, realistically, that’s a poor way to handle your relationships. Denial is rarely the appropriate response to a stressful situation, at least in the long-term.

You are different people with different opinions and different histories. It’s completely understandable that you’re not going to agree all the time. You just need to know how to channel those disagreements into a better understanding of one another, instead of letting them tear you apart.


Learn about the past.

Any time it seems like the woman you’re dating is crazy, clingy, or needy, take a minute to think about what led her to that point. Sure, sometimes it’s just her personality – but most of the time, you’ll find that there were experiences that molded her into the person she is today. Take care not to repeat her ex’s mistakes, and your relationship is going to have a much more solid foundation.

You need to understand your own past, also – so make sure you’ve learned the lessons your past relationships were meant to teach you. No one is magically perfect in relationships, but you can make sure you get better every time.


Be a team.

Too many people take their relationships way too seriously. It’s good to have feelings for your partner and be attracted to her, but that’s not what your relationship is all about. You need to be conscious of each other, and you need to work together.

You can’t expect her to make unreasonable changes, either, especially if you aren’t willing to make changes for her. Relationships need balance and compromise – they don’t run on ideals and miracles. And it would be completely unfair for you to expect her to change just because you asked her to.


Slow things down.

There’s a stereotype that lesbians move way too fast (you know, the whole U-haul joke), but it’s actually recently been backed up by science. Chances are, your relationship is moving a lot faster than it needs to. Rushing into things is rarely sustainable, and things are going to fizzle out a bit eventually. Make sure you take the time to work on things even after the shine is gone.

This happens at a different point for everyone, but the sooner you recognize it and adjust your gameplan, the better off you’ll be. Just because there are some lulls in the relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship is over – it just means that things are a little harder for a while.


Talk more, listen more.

Now, time for some hard truth: Communication is more important than everything else put together. It makes the good things even better, and it makes the bad things a little easier to take. Your sex life will be much more fulfilling, and you’ll have the tools to keep minor frustrations from turning into major resentment.

It’s not just about talking, though – you and your partner need to be actively listening to one another, too. Honesty is an important part of the communication process, and you’ll need to make sure your talks are a safe space, free from judgment. That way, you feel more comfortable expressing the things you need and want, and she has time to explain her needs and wants, too. You’re not mind readers, so stop trying to pretend you are!


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How To Tell If Your Bisexual Friend Is Still Bi

Let’s take a minute to talk about bisexuals. I’m sure you know at least one – and I’m guessing you probably know a few (whether you realize they’re bisexuals or not). I’m not sure if it’s just my personal circle, or if it’s this global thing, but from my perspective it seems like bisexuals are literally everywhere. But how do you know if the bisexual(s) you know are still bi, or if it was just a phase?

We’ve put together this handy guide to help you figure out if your bi friend is still bi, or if it was just a phase she went through.


She’s still bi if she’s never had sex with, been in a relationship with, or been in love with a woman.

Let’s face it – not every attraction goes somewhere, but that doesn’t mean that the attraction never happened. Even if she’s never had a girlfriend or a same-sex sexual encounter, she’s still bisexual. Straight is not the default orientation.


She’s still bi if she’s never had sex with, been in a relationship with, or been in love with a man.

Just like sleeping with a woman doesn’t magically make you a bisexual, you don’t have to be with a man to know that you’re bisexual. Is everyone automatically gay until they’ve had sex with someone of the opposite sex? No? Then why is your bisexual friend any different?


She’s still bi even if she’s dating a man now.

Being in a long-term relationship with a man doesn’t erase or invalidate her attraction to women. It doesn’t mean that she was going through a phase, or that she was just doing it for the male attention. She’s not “choosing” men over women and she’s not “picking a side”.


She’s still bi even if she’s dating a woman now.

When people say someone else used to be bi, before they got with their girlfriend, it always makes me cringe. What’s even worse is that this pressures the bisexual women into going along with it, because biphobia is still so strong within our community. She’s not flip-flopping… She’s just bisexual.


She’s still bi if she has a preference.

When non-bisexuals think of bisexuality, they usually picture an equal attraction to men and women. (Okay, there’s a lot of media that shows hetero-leaning bisexuals, too, but those aren’t the only options.) Very rarely in life are things split equally down the middle, and your bisexual friend is no different.


She’s still bi if she’s not out publicly.

There are so many reasons why she might not be ready to come out to everyone just yet, and it’s not your place to decide whether her reasons are good enough. It is not your place to tell others about her sexuality, nor is it your place to decide that her identity doesn’t count. You should feel honored that she told you – and understand that she didn’t have to.


She’s still bi if she doesn’t “look” or “act” bi.

I don’t know who came up with these arbitrary definitions for what people are supposed to look and act like what, but I’m getting really tired of its widespread implications. Contrary to what the media (and most off-handedly prejudiced comments) would lead you to believe, your style isn’t so much about your sexual identity as it is about your other personality traits. Bisexual women come in just as many diverse styles as straight or gay women.


She’s still bi unless she tells you she’s not.

It’s widely accepted now that sexuality is fluid, but that doesn’t mean you get to decide when someone else’s identity has changed. Sexual and gender identities are very personal, and there is no single quantifier that “the phase has passed”. If your bi friend no longer identifies as bisexual, she might tell you – or she might not. Her identity isn’t really your concern – it’s hers.

Sixteen Signs You’re The Side Chick

The new girl you’ve been seeing is perfect! She sends you sweet text messages, she cooks dinner at your apartment, and she says that you two have something special – she’s the best girlfriend you could ever ask for.

Okay, maybe she’s not your “girlfriend”…and she doesn’t want to meet your friends…and she never sleeps over…but that doesn’t mean you’re her dirty little secret. That doesn’t mean she already has a girlfriend.

Right?


The warning signs:


1. She always comes to your dorm or apartment, but you’ve never seen the inside of hers.


2. If you have gone to her place, something seems off. Maybe the closet door is always closed (to hide her girlfriend’s clothing), or there are two types of shampoo in the shower, or the shoes by the door come in multiple sizes.


3. You always meet up at odd, very specific hours, usually during the day (when her girlfriend is at work) or late at night (when her girlfriend is asleep).


4. She never sleeps over. If she does sleep over, it’s very rare and it’s usually on weekends (when her girlfriend is out of town).


5. When you ask her about her relationship status, she’s shady. You don’t want to push it because you don’t want to seem clingy, but she never quite clarifies whether is or isn’t seeing someone else.


6. You’ve been seeing each other for a long time, but you’ve never met her friends. And she has never asked to meet yours.


7. She doesn’t take photos of you two together, not even on Snapchat. In fact, when you try to take photos, she hides her face or asks you to stop.


8. If you post something about the two of you to social media, she asks you to take it down.


9. You can’t follow her social media accounts. You’ve been hooking up for three months, but she still hasn’t accepted your Instagram request.


10. Most of your dates take place inside. In fact, most of your dates are Netflix and Chill.


11. When you two do go out in public, you go somewhere removed. She doesn’t take you to the popular café where most people your age hang out – she takes you somewhere across town, or outside the city limits. She says it’s because she doesn’t want anywhere too “crowded.”


12. She still hasn’t saved your phone number. Like, really?


13. She’s saved your phone number, but she’s saved it under a different name, such as your initials, a series of emojis, or “Pizza Hut.”


14. You don’t even have her phone number. You still do most of your communication through WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger or Tumblr Chat (which her girlfriend will never think to check).


15. She texts someone frequently when you’re together, but she strategically hides the screen or texts only when she thinks you’re not looking.

And finally:


16. Messages on her phone pop up from someone named “Bae” or “Wifey” or “Girlfriend.”


Just because your hookup does one or more of the above doesn’t mean that she’s cheating on someone with you – it could mean she’s a private person. But if you have a gut feeling that something is off, then you should ask about it. Life is too short to spend time with shady people.


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10 Bullsh*t Things Lesbians Hear All The Damn Time

For some reason, people who aren’t lesbians love to ask lesbians some pretty personal (and misguided) things. Some of these questions have probably been around for centuries, while others have been perpetuated by modern society and the ways that people come up with to “cure” gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. Instead of asking your friendly local lesbian, try checking this list first.

If it’s answered here, she’s probably answered it a hundred times already.


“When did you become a lesbian?”

This question usually isn’t coming from a bad place, but it is very misguided. I think the people who ask this are dealing with some confusion about their own sexuality, or they simply don’t understand how human sexuality works. It’s not exactly the black-and-white picture that it seems like it would be, and there’s no easy way to pinpoint “when” it happened. Could you tell someone when exactly you became straight? I’m betting probably not.

Let me try putting things a different way. Some people understand who they are at a very young age, and are immediately accepted by their families. Some people know at a very young age, but their family situation makes it impossible to come out. Other people get confused during puberty, or during college, or menopause, or at any other time when hormones are high, and they might reach a different definition of themselves than they previously had. It doesn’t necessarily mean that their previous identity was wrong, nor does it mean that their previous identity was true to who they really were.

It’s different for everyone, but chances are, your lesbian loved one doesn’t feel like putting something as complicated as her sexuality on something as linear as a timeline.


“What made you swear off men?”

This is one of the tactics often used by gay conversion therapy – understanding the “root” of someone’s homosexual tendencies, so that they can be “fixed”. However, this one relies on a fundamental misunderstanding. Correlation doesn’t necessarily equal causation – or, more simply put, just because a lesbian has had negative experiences with men, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s developed some sort of bias against them.

In fact, since (at least) one out of every four women will experience some form of sexual assault in their life, there’s bound to be some overlap. But that overlapping area doesn’t have anything to do with the women who haven’t been sexually abused, and still aren’t attracted to men. It also doesn’t take into consideration the women worldwide who are raped and beaten because they’re lesbians. (Trigger warning – vivid descriptions of conversion rape, although there are no graphic photographs.)

More than just those horrible statistics, there’s also the fact that the women who have “sworn off men” because of some type of trauma can’t consciously choose to turn-off their attractions to them, nor can they choose to turn-on an attraction to women. Framing your question as if all lesbians have simply “sworn off men” implies that this is a choice they’ve made, and as any woman who has consciously tried to change her sexuality can tell you… It doesn’t work.


“So, which one of you is the man?”

Okay, so I could go into the stereotypical response about how there is no man, and how that’s sort of the point… But I think that answering the question that way takes away a powerful teaching experience. Most women who love other women aren’t necessarily doing it to “avoid men”. (Although, some may be – but please see above about “swearing off men”.

The worst thing about this question is that it relies entirely on ingrained sexism, and the idea that there are “manly” things to do and “womanly” things to do. Newsflash: Both men and women can be bread-winners, both men and women can do the housework and cooking, and both men and women are capable of being caring parents. The idea that you have to be “more like” one or the other is entirely unfounded. All relationships work best when there is balance – when the partners are actually partners.

What’s more is that gender roles are largely societal. Sure, the higher testosterone levels in men make them (generally) stronger and more sexual than women, and the higher estrogen levels in women make them (generally) more inclined toward starting a family. Our personality, however, plays a lot larger of a role in deciding that – and our personality is not defined by our biology.


“How do you handle all the crazy mood swings?!”

This is another one rooted in sexist implications. Believe it or not, women are not these psychotic bags of hormones, incapable of controlling their emotions. There may be certain times of the month (ahem) or mental illnesses that make it more difficult to think before we act, but most women have better control over their emotions than what we’d like to think. Men have just as much control over their emotions, on average, but they’ve been conditioned to keep them under wraps more.

What’s important here is that we separate ourselves from the stereotypes about our gender, whether biological or mid-/post-transition. You might not be in control over your emotions themselves, but you are in control of how you react to those emotions. Take responsibility for the way you act, and stop using the easy excuses.

(However, if you honestly have a hard time controlling your emotional responses, it’s important that you speak with your doctor about it. He or she might be able to recommend therapy or medication that works with your specific issues, and in many cases you can regain control.)


“But you don’t look/act like a lesbian.”

Sadly, the media has royally screwed us on this one. We typically get two lesbian images: The super-butch (think Lea Delaria here), or the super-femme (I’m looking at you, Portia de Rossi). We don’t get to see all the women in between, because they blend in. The truth is, most lesbians don’t “look” like lesbians – but that doesn’t mean that they’re lying to you when they say they are.

Just like with any other sexual orientation, lesbians are allowed to have their own individual style. In fact, our styles are just as diverse as everyone else’s, too. This is why so many lesbians don’t “look” like lesbians – the media latches onto the two styles that are most easily recognizable, and kicks the rest to the curb.

Unfortunately, we see this just about as often within the queer community, too. (Or, at least, I’ve received this an equal number of times from ignorant straight friends as I have from nosy lesbian friends.) The entire idea of “gaydar” is built around exactly this, and as any lesbian who’s been shot down by a straight woman will tell you… It’s really just a numbers game. If she ticks off enough “lesbian” boxes, it’s easier to muster up the courage to talk to her. But people never really fit into a mold, so your average lesbian probably gets shot down by straight women just about as often as the average straight man gets shot down by lesbians.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

This particular question is even harder to address without causing a commotion. For some crazy reason, people think that they are entitled to know way too much about other people’s lives. Sure, some people are open – but that doesn’t mean everyone has to be. Unless you are presently in an intimate relationship someone, who they sleep with (and how they do it) is absolutely none of your business.

Next, it’s important that you understand there are many reasons a person might not be ready to come out, and all of them are perfectly valid. Some people fear discrimination at home or in the workplace. Some people are concerned with their image (such as those who rely on their sex appeal for tips). Some even choose not to come out because they feel it’s nobody else’s business. And you know what? Every single one of those women has “a good enough reason” – no matter what you might think.

(And, besides, you know now, don’t you? What difference does it make how you found out?)


“So, how do you have sex?”

Now, when it comes to depressing questions, this one pretty much takes the cake. First, let’s go back to the “it’s none of your business” point from above. The only people who have the right to know the details of your sex life are, a) your partner, during the periods of time she was involved in your sex life; and b) your doctor, to the extent medically required. That’s literally it. The rest of the time, if it’s not eagerly offered, it’s not up for discussion.

Next, there’s the definition of “sex” itself. What exactly constitutes sex, anyway? The jury’s still out on that one, but the short answer is that everyone has different needs and wants. It doesn’t have much to do with who you’re attracted to, since our sexual lives are usually not our whole lives. Some women like being penetrated, some don’t. Some women like oral sex, and some don’t. Toys, bondage, roleplay, scissoring – all of these things are completely subjective.

(But, most of all, if you only know one definition for having sex… You’re missing out on all that sex can be.)


“At least you don’t have to worry about protection.”

Whoa, NO. Hold up. I don’t know who started the myth that lesbians can’t get STDs, but you better believe that person was not a doctor. Lesbians are not magically immune from getting STDs just because they only have sex with other women. There are a number of STDs that you can get through skin contact, and even more that are passed through bodily fluids. Yes, the vagina contains/produces bodily fluids. So does the mouth. And, well, I’m not a doctor either, but that means you can get STDs from a same-sex partner.

No matter what your sexual orientation, it’s important that you take your sexual health seriously. That means regular testing, honest communication, and barrier methods whenever possible – every time.

When it comes to family planning, though, lesbians don’t really have to worry about accidental pregnancies. It takes so much planning and negotiating to even come to an agreement about having a child in the first place. Then, if we do decide we want to have a child (which isn’t even a given), we’ve got to go through a long, drawn-out process just to have a child recognized as legally having two mothers. There’s adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, artificial insemination, and so much more – just because there are two parents of the same sex. There are so many extra hoops that it’s no surprise some lesbians decide it’s just easier not to have kids.


“What about a threesome?” or “Can I watch?”

Yikes. This is another one that never ceases to amaze me. There are so many people out there who really do think it’s appropriate to insert themselves into other people’s personal lives – sometimes trying to literally insert themselves in there. As a general rule of thumb, remember this: No person exists strictly for the sexual pleasure of another.

Even though there’s an ever-growing acceptance of polyamory and open relationships, you shouldn’t simply assume that two people in a relationship are looking to supplement outside the relationship. Polyamory isn’t the default, nor is “secret bisexuality”.

If a lesbian couple you know wants you to watch her and her girlfriend have sex, she’ll ask you. If she wants you to join, she’ll ask you. Otherwise, stay out of it. We’re not trying to steal your straight women, and we’re not trying to sleep with your straight men.


“I wish I was a lesbian.”

When I was a teenager, I used to respond to this one with “I can help you with that!” (wink, wink.) As I grew up, I realized: Being gay isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, it’s great for me, and most lesbians would agree that it’s pretty great. But being someone you’re not is never a great idea. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but I promise you it’s just tricky lighting. You’ve got to learn how to be happy with what you have, and what you are.

However, if what you really mean is “I think I might be interested in women”, I wholeheartedly encourage you to experiment. Experimentation is how you figure out who you are. Just remember – your sexuality isn’t something you can will to change. You aren’t crafting yourself, you’re finding yourself.

Lastly, remember that there are a lot of things about the queer community that you simply can’t see from the outside – just like with any other subculture. It’s not really that we’re hiding things; it’s that you don’t want to see them. You choose to make yourself blind to them, in order to excuse yourself for not helping to stop them. It’s okay – we forgive you. But now it’s time to start being realistic about homophobia and discrimination. That’s what you should be talking to your lesbian loved ones about – not about what happens in their bedroom.

How To Live With Your Girlfriend (Without Losing Your Mind)

Moving in with your girlfriend is exciting. For some couples, the Big Move happens at three years, for some, three days and – let’s be honest – some couples sign a lease on the third date.

But cohabitation is not without complications. These three tips can make the transition as harmonious as possible.


Cleanliness is next to godliness.

What is the definition of “chores”?

It may seem like a basic question, but everyone interprets that word differently, so you and your partner need to make sure you’re on the same page. For example, maybe you used to sweep every once in a while, but your partner wants the apartment swept, mopped and dusted twice a week.

Then, decide ahead of time how you’ll split the chores. It doesn’t necessarily have to be 50/50. Maybe you work longer hours, so she’ll do the dishes on the nights you come home late. Maybe she is out of town a lot, so you’ll handle all the chores when she’s gone and she’ll do the same when she’s back.


A happy medium.

You and your girlfriend are going to fight. Some fights will be warranted, and others won’t – it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you both know your conflict resolution styles and determine, in advance, what you’ll do when conflicts arise.

For example, maybe your girlfriend needs to silently contemplate every disagreement until she reaches a rational conclusion, while you would rather fight fast and then forget about it. To accommodate both your needs, instate a mandatory thirty-minute Time Out where you both think about what you want to say; that way, she has enough time to process her emotions, and you only have to wait thirty minutes.

Try a lot of tactics to figure out the best way to resolve conflicts. Whenever a conflict arises, try writing letters to each other, taking a walk together or even meditating. Make sure neither of you goes to bed angry.


It must be the money.

Because we live in a capitalist society, money can be stressful, especially for young couples. You and your girlfriend already have enough to worry about – your jobs, your health, all those chores – so work out the big money questions in advance.

  1. How much rent will each person pay? If you’re moving into your girlfriend’s apartment, you might not have to pay anything, or she might ask you to contribute. If you’re signing a lease together, you can choose to split the rent equally or based on how much money each person is making.
  2. Who will pay for groceries and household items, and how much will you spend on that per week? If you can only budget $60 per week for groceries, but she wants to spend $120 on manchego from Whole Foods, you need to have a long talk.
  3. How will the bills be divided in an emergency? An emergency could include an unexpected hospital bill, a massive utility charge or one partner losing her job. You need to decide a backup plan in advance, and have some sort of rainy day fund, even if that “fund” is a credit card (last resort, but effective).

Living together is stressful, but at the end of the day it’s worth it – there’s nothing better than waking up next to your girlfriend every morning.

Congratulations on the Big Move, and good luck!


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10 Things You Should NEVER Apologize For

Up until a few years ago, I was an obsessive over-apologizer. Whether I thought I was really at fault or not, I’d say “sorry”, just to avoid the guilt that went along with it. Over time, I realized that there were definitely some times when you shouldn’t say sorry – and I started using better strategies to decide what I really apologizing for, and when I was just filling holes in conversation.

Through all this, I learned these 10 things you should never say you’re sorry for – even if you feel guilty about them. (Which, FYI, you really shouldn’t, but that guilt takes some time to un-learn.)


1. Never apologize for needing alone time.

While humans tend to be social creatures, most of us are recharged by periods of stillness and silence. Your alone time gives you time to process life, and it helps prevent you from burning yourself out.


2. Never apologize for speaking your mind.

Women are socially conditioned to hide the things on our minds, especially when those feelings might hurt someone else’s feelings. You shouldn’t have to hide how you really feel, though – and no one should make you feel bad for being honest. Don’t be rude, but don’t keep your mouth shut just to please others.


3. Never apologize for taking your time to reply.

With the age of technology exploding all around us, we’ve gotten all too used to an immediate response. Truthfully, though, your smart phone exists for your convenience – not the convenience of others. Very few things that we treat as “urgent” actually are, and rushing your response takes away your time to think things through.


4. Never apologize for asking for help.

Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Even Batman needs a partner sometimes, and – sorry to be the one to tell you this – you are most likely not Batman.


5. Never apologize for your past mistakes.

You can’t change who you used to be – you can only change who you are now and in the future. No one worth keeping around will bring up your past mistakes and hold you to them. Have you learned and grown from it? If yes, then remove yourself from the guilt – that’s not who you are anymore.


6. Never apologize for putting yourself first.

In the spirit of giving, we tend to think that we can’t make ourselves a priority. However, this leads to setting un reasonable expectations from ourselves, because human nature is, in fact, very selfish. You can’t do everything, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why. It’s 100% okay to say no to things.


7. Never apologize for telling the truth.

When we stop ourselves from telling the truth because we’re worried about how it’ll affect someone else, what we’re really telling them is that we aren’t there with them in the rough times. The truth might hurt, but a lie will hurt way more, and for way longer. And besides, honesty is hard enough to come by – why withhold the truth within you?


8. Never apologize for being messier than other people would like.

When I was a kid, I always thought it was weird that we’d get more cleaning done in the few hours before company came than we did in the week before we found out they were coming. It’s okay if life gets busy, and you don’t have as much time to clean as some random outside person thinks you should – unless, of course, those other people are responsible for cleaning up after you when you don’t do it yourself.


9. Never apologize for being successful.

Three mottos to live by: You deserve happiness, you deserve success, and you deserve everything you’ve worked for. If you’ve earned it, it’s yours forever – be proud of your achievements!


10. Never apologize for how you feel.

Your emotions are a natural part of your human experience, and in most cases they serve a useful purpose. Hormones, other people, and the stresses of daily life can do some major damage on those emotions, but you’re only responsible for how you react to your emotions – not how you feel in the first place.

You Don’t Have To Give Yourselves A Label Girls

We are obsessed with labelling ourselves and everyone else for some reason these days.

We label by skin colour, religion, background, political opinions and of course sexuality. But why should we?

I know that sometimes giving ourselves a label can help us feel part of a community, like we belong to a specific group and some people base their whole identities on the label they give themselves. But it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be.

So many women get totally freaked out over labelling their sexuality. But sexuality can be rather fluid, especially in women. I’m a classic example of this. I knew I liked girls from quite a young age, but, at that time, I also liked boys as well.

I guess as the years went on I labelled myself as bisexual. I had serious relationships with men and women.  I even married a guy and had two children.

And then something changed. I divorced my husband and from that moment on I was only interested in women.

Now I identify as a lesbian, but I won’t label myself as such. Because when I started to only date women all my friends and family were like ‘when are you gonna meet another man then?’ or ‘I thought you liked men and women?’

Once you have boxed yourself into a label it’s very hard for others to accept it when you no longer want to stay in that box.

I know one woman that has always identified as lesbian, ever since I’d known her, and then one day she met a guy. And she fell in love.

My friend tortured herself for months over this. She had always labelled herself as a lesbian but fate had other plans for her I guess. She put herself through absolute torment. But eventually she accepted herself and their relationship.

They’ve been together ever since, but she also lost a few gay friends as well because they felt like she had somehow ‘betrayed’ the gay community.

My point is, if she hadn’t labelled herself as a lesbian in the first place this might not have happened and she might not have lost these friends that couldn’t accept her new relationship as it didn’t fit their perception of her.

I’m not saying that giving yourself a label is a bad thing, if you want to do so, but it’s your choice and you shouldn’t feel like you owe it to the world to fit neatly into a box.

It has to be something you choose to do. Plus, don’t torture yourself over how you want to identify. You are unique, you are you, whether you think you are lez, bi, pansexual, queer, trans, it doesn’t matter as long as you are comfortable in your own skin.

And if one day you realize your sexuality has changed, that’s fine too. Life is all about experiences and experimenting. It’s what helps us to grow as individuals and helps us to accept ourselves for what we are. That’s what’s important, not making others feel comfortable by labelling yourself so they can ‘understand’ you better.

The only person that has to understand you is you. That’s all that matters.

11 Signs Your Life Is Going Better Than You Think

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a rut, and completely unable to climb your way out? I think we all have times when things seem to be falling apart. I know I go through those ruts more often than I’d care to admit – I just came out of a downward spiral, not even a full week ago. While there aren’t always ways to make things better, I hope you can remember these 11 things, and take comfort in knowing that you’ll get through this.


1. Someone cares about you.

Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, there are people around you who care about you. Friends, family members, or your significant others are all standing in your corner, because they know how awesome you are. (And, yes, internet friends definitely count.)


2. You have a roof over your head.

Every day you get to wake up in a bed is a good day. Worldwide homeless rates are depressingly high (although in the minority, in most regions) – so take time to give thanks that you have somewhere to live, even if it’s not your own place.


3. You know how to forgive.

Forgiveness is an art form, and those who don’t know how to forgive are doomed to be more miserable. While you shouldn’t forgive everyone who apologizes to you, the ability to forgive others – and yourself – when genuine change has happened is a wonderful, beautiful feeling.


4. You ate today.

Another one of the simple things that so many of us take for granted, not everyone has enough food to eat every day. Whether your food offers good taste, good feelings, or proper nutrition, it’s important to remember how lucky you are to have it.


5. You have clean clothes.

When we examine the world’s poverty, it makes sense that we also examine how many people worldwide don’t have a way to wash their clothes. It doesn’t really matter if your clothes are fashionable or trendy, what matters is that they fit and they’re clean. Take some time to give thanks for the clean water to wash with.


6. You have a good heart.

For some reason, it seems like the people with good, honest hearts are the most likely to get depressed. I think it’s because the people who aren’t so good happen to be better at putting their own needs first. If you are feeling down, it’s almost certain that you’re an amazing person.


7. You believe in the good of others.

One of the biggest disappointments in life is discovering that other people aren’t really so great after all. Your virtue is that you can see the good in other people, even if they haven’t found it in themselves yet. Take a deep breath, and be grateful that you can look past the dirty surfaces people show.


8. You wish good things for others.

When you understand how to remove yourself from competition and jealousy, your life will slowly start to get better. The more helpful you are towards others, the more likely that the good people will be helpful to you, too – so give those words of encouragement as much as you can.


9. You have clean water.

Even though the world is roughly 70% covered by water, only a small portion of that water is freshwater for drinking and cleaning with. What’s worse, much of that water is polluted, and even more of it is contaminated by sewage. Be thankful for the clean, running water in your home – you’re very lucky to have it.


10. You’re breathing.

Every day we spend on this earth is a success in its own right, so make sure you’re thankful for the breaths you take. So many lives are cut short, for so many reasons, it’s important to make the best of the time you have.


11. You have a great track record.

No matter how hopeless things feel right now, remember this: You have gotten through every single bad day you’ve had so far. That means you have a 100% success rate. Sure, sometimes it takes a little longer to get through things – but the fact remains that you will.

21 Signs Your Relationship Is All Wrong For You

It can be tough to navigate the treacherous waters of our love lives. We’re all supposed to put in effort, but how much is really enough? Is there such a thing as “too much”? Shouldn’t we just do whatever we can to stay with our partner?

Well, no. Only you know what you can really handle in your relationship, but as a general rule of thumb, if it hurts you more than it makes you smile… It’s probably toxic.

If you hurt her more than you make her happy… It’s probably toxic.

If you have to look at lists on the internet to see if your relationship is worth staying in… I hate to be the one to say this, but… Your relationship is probably toxic.

Contrary to what you might think, though, a relationship can be toxic even when both people are madly in love with each other. I mean, let’s just look at Harley Quinn and The Joker. (Well, the Suicide Squad versions of them, at least – the comic book characters had a different dynamic going on.) Those two are crazy about each other, and yet they still end up exhibiting so many of the traits that qualify a relationship as abusive. (Although, they do it in a bit gentler of a way than their ink-and-paper predecessors did.)

If you see the following 21 signs in your relationship, it’s best if you get out now and ask questions later. Run, don’t walk, as far in the other direction as you can – for your own sanity.

1. You’re always fighting.

One of the most obvious signs that you’re wrong for each other. Constant fighting could be a sign that you two are totally incompatible (or that one of you has unresolved anger issues). Either way, get out while you still can.

2. You’re never fighting.

While fighting all the time is a bad thing, so is keeping quiet to keep your partner calm. If either of you is holding your tongue to keep from saying something that might start an argument, you need to get out as soon as possible.

3. You can’t be yourself.

Relationships are bound to change people – but are those changes ones you wanted to make? Your partner should inspire you to improve yourself, but she should never pressure you to make changes you don’t want to make. If she wants you to be someone else entirely, get out.

4. She makes you feel bad about yourself.

It’s normal for complaints to come up in a relationship. But how your partner delivers those complaints is just as important as what they are. It’s her job to build you up, not tear you down. If she’s more inclined to insult you than to offer you helpful advice, she’s wrong for you, and you need to ditch her.

5. You’re stuck in the past.

While we’re talking about building each other up, it’s actually impossible to get better when someone keeps bringing up the mistakes of your past. If your partner can’t help but throwing the past back at you, even when you’re making a conscious effort to fix things as best as you can, it’s a good idea to let her go.

6. She doesn’t compliment you.

Even the most secure and confident women like hearing that they are loved and appreciated. You shouldn’t settle for a partner who doesn’t make you feel awesome. She should be your #1 fan – and she needs to be there to remind you just how great you really are. If she can’t do that, you should ditch her.

7. You feel emotionally drained.

All relationships require effort and emotions. But if your relationship is constantly taking its toll on you, sucking all your happiness and energy away, it’s probably really, really toxic for you. You need to be with someone who puts in just as much as you do, and doesn’t expect you to do all the work. If your relationship bleeds you dry, it’s time to say goodbye.

8. She’s holding you back.

It’s important that you give your relationships their fair share of attention, and that you make your girlfriend a priority in your life. But if your girlfriend demands your attention, over your responsibilities (such as work, school, or chasing your dreams), she’s bad for you – and you deserve better.

9. You don’t feel like her equal.

One of the reasons your girlfriend might hold you back from achieving your dreams is because she’s afraid you’ll realize you deserve better. These types of women (and yes, men too) need to feel superior to their partners in order to make themselves happy – but no one wants to give up all their control. If your partner tries to control everything you do, you need to say goodbye.

10. Your needs only come after hers.

Just like a partnership that’s lacking in partners, no one can be happy in a relationship that doesn’t care about their happiness. Even the most selfless person on the planet will feel drained if they’re constantly being taken advantage of. Don’t settle for someone who puts you in second place – save your self-respect by showing her the door.

11. She makes you anxious.

There’s a certain amount of anxiety that’s normal in a relationship – and that “normal amount” can be even higher when you’re dating someone with anxiety. But the woman who’s right for you is going to do as much as she can to keep you from getting anxious. If she stresses you out and doesn’t care why, let her go.

12. You feel unsafe with her.

Let’s be clear: It’s not her job to provide you with round-the-clock comfort. You are encouraged to make yourself feel safe, as much as you can. But if your girlfriend ever makes you feel threatened, and gets mad when you bring up how you feel – you need to ditch her.

13. You have to hide things from her.

This one can go both ways – either you know the things you’re doing would upset her, or you’re afraid of how she’d react if she heard. Either way, there’s a really good chance that there’s a reason. Relationships require honesty, so if you can’t be honest with your partner, you need to say goodbye.

14. You don’t bring out the best in each other.

Your girlfriend needs to be your cheerleader – not a trigger for bad behavior. The girlfriend who deserves your love is going to do her best to encourage you to be a good person. She wants you to be the best person, so that the two of you can eventually be a power couple and lead an empire or something. If she doesn’t really care if you get your shit together or not, move on. She doesn’t really care about you.

15. You don’t both take responsibility.

Your actions are your actions, and her actions are her actions. A healthy relationship requires that you both maintain your autonomy. That means her mistakes are not your fault, and vice versa. A woman who really cares about you will take responsibility for her own actions, and will expect that you do the same. If everything seems one-sided, it’s time to leave.

16. You make excuses for her behavior, or for why you stay with her.

This goes hand in hand with #15: You need to let her be a grown-up. When you make excuses for someone, you are treating them like a child, like they’re incapable of learning from their mistakes. We teach people how to treat us. Are you teaching her that you’re going to forgive her, even if she doesn’t change? If she’s ready to throw you under the bus, and you’re ready to save her from under hers, it’s time to say goodbye.

17. She tests how much you love her.

If your relationship is full of ultimatums and tests of your affection, your partner is probably insecure – and that’s not a good foundation for your relationships. You should be showing your love in all the standard ways, but your love shouldn’t need to be quantified through her specific demands. If it’s always a test, she’s immature – let her go.

18. Your relationship lasts trust, respect, and stability.

There aren’t too many things that have the ability to keep a relationship afloat all on its own. But, three things that are absolutely essential to having a happy, healthy relationship are trust, respect, and stability. It shouldn’t be a roller coaster every day – there needs to be some consistency, or you need to leave.

19. You feel locked away from your friends and family.

If you spend more time with your significant other than you do with all your friends and family put together, there is a problem. The problem isn’t necessarily her, and it isn’t necessarily you – but it’s important that your social circle is actually a circle. If it’s just two dots that stay in close proximity to one another, your life (and sanity) are going to suffer for it. Get out while you still can.

20. You’re always asking permission, even though she never does.

I’ve heard it time and time again – you shouldn’t have to ask your partner for permission to do things. I totally agree, too. If your partner requires you to ask her permission before you make any decisions, she’s probably bad for you. But even if you’re offering up control of your decisions willingly, and your partner isn’t doing the same for you, you’re probably making a huge mistake. Get out of the relationship before you completely lose yourself!

21. You think you’d be better off without her.

One of the saddest things that can happen to a relationship is when one partner finally realizes that it wouldn’t hurt as much to walk away as it would be to stay. When this happens, it’s time to walk away. Whether it’s because you don’t care about her as much as she cares about you, or because you’ve been trying way too hard for way too long, this is a sign that’s usually right on the money. If you think life would be better single, you’re probably right – and you need to take action.


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Is Polyamory Right For You and Your Girlfriend?

“Honey, we need to talk. I think we should see other people…together.”

It’s not easy to have this conversation with your partner – the conversation about potentially opening your relationship up to new people, aka becoming polyamorous.

Maybe you and your partner have tossed the idea  around a few times but you’ve never seriously discussed it. Or maybe you two aren’t completely sure what it entails, but you’d like to explore it together.

How do you know for sure if polyamory might be for you and your girlfriend? Every couple is different, so it depends. But ask yourself these questions.


Why are you interested in a polyamorous relationship?

Even if you choose not to pursue it, merely suggesting polyamory can change the dynamic of your relationship. So before you even mention the idea,  seriously consider your own reasons for wanting it.

Constructive reasons:

  • You and your partner are in a strong relationship, and you think it could benefit from being open to more people.
  • The idea of your partner being with someone else turns you on, and you’d like to find out why.
  • You love your partner so much that you recognize a single person can’t meet all of her needs. A polyamorous relationship might make you both feel more fulfilled.
  • You and your partner trust each other and want to have a little fun.

Destructive reasons:

  • You’re bored with your relationship. You hope that sleeping with other people will paradoxically make you want to stay.
  • You want to break up with your partner but don’t want to be alone, so you want to use polyamory to bide your time until you find someone new.
  • Your relationship is on the rocks, and you and your girlfriend keep fighting. You hope that involving another person will make things less complicated. (Actually, it will make things one hundred times more complicated.)
  • You caught your partner cheating and hope that an open relationship will repair your broken trust.

What are you comfortable with?

In separate rooms, you and your partner should each make a list of what you’re comfortable with the other person doing. Make columns for “completely comfortable,” “mildly uncomfortable,” “completely uncomfortable,” and “not sure.”

Would you be comfortable with your girlfriend kissing another woman? A man? What about just cuddling? Sleeping over? Dates but no sex? Sex but no dates? Do you want to bring a third person into the relationship as an equal partner?

You don’t have to have all of the answers, and most of your answers will change as you and your partner explore. The important thing is that you think deeply about your comfort levels.

Afterward, you and your girlfriend should sit together to compare lists. Be honest and open about how you feel. If you’re comfortable with something but your girlfriend isn’t, don’t pressure her into changing her answer.

Together, talk about why you’re uncomfortable or comfortable with certain ideas. Maybe you’ve realized that you’re okay with your partner sleeping with other people, but you’re terrified that she’ll fall in love with someone else; therefore, you would prefer she never sleeps with the same person twice. Maybe your girlfriend is open to bringing a third person into the bedroom, but because physical intimacy is sacred to her, she only wants to sleep with someone else if you participate.

There are no wrong answers or wrong reasons. The important thing is that you listen to each other – and that no one feels pressured. If you realize that polyamory isn’t for you, or if your girlfriend is having second thoughts, then it’s okay to table this conversation.


What resources have you checked?

Polyamory can bring joy and adventure to your relationship. It can also bring confusion and pain. Instead of figuring it out in the dark, you and your partner should take advice from the experts who have already been there, done that and written about it.

Here are a few to get started:

The Ethical Slut – basically the polyamory bible.

More than Two – a practical guide to ethical polyamory.

Poly Weekly – a podcast about loving more than one person.

Love More – America’s first (and only) polyamory magazine.


Polyamory isn’t an excuse to sleep with more people, it’s a way to deepen your relationship. Whether you and your girlfriend decide to explore it, or whether you realize it’s not for you, the important thing is that you both feel comfortable.

4 Relationships That Are Bad For Your Bank Account

I’m really bad about the whole “yours vs. mine vs. ours” thing. I’m a really generous person, and it’s bit me in the ass more times than I care to admit. I think I was about 12 years old the first time someone else wiped out my bank account for me – and that was just the first time I let it happen.

It’s easy to excuse ourselves, and tell ourselves that we’re not responsible for the things that happen to us. And, in many ways, that’s true. But if you continually find yourself broke, despite doing everything in your power, you might have one of these 4 toxic financial relationships in your life – how many can you still fix?


The Broke Friend

I was The Broke Friend for what feels like the longest time. I was with someone who didn’t want me to work, because of her own insecurities, and as such I was the friend who would wait for someone else to offer to pay my way. I hated it – but some people are a lot more comfortable with the idea. If you’ve got a Chronically Broke Friend in your life, you might need to cut some ties – at least until they get their finances sorted out.

According to motivational speaker Jim Rohn, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. While there are probably a million ways to interpret that message, it makes sense that bad money habits can be contagious – if you let them. If you have a friend (or friends) who are constantly short on cash and asking for hand-outs like it was their job, you need to evaluate whether they actually belong in your life.

A good friend will take responsibility for their situation, instead of asking you to bail them out all the time. It’s 100% okay to terminate toxic relationships – even if you’ve known that person for your entire life. You are under no obligation to stay friends with someone who brings you down (even if they’re just bringing down the average of your main squad.)


The Irresponsible Family Member

The Irresponsible Family Member is almost as bad as the Broke Friend, except that they’ll probably straight-up tell you that they aren’t going to pay you back. After all, you’re family – and family helps family, right? Your Broke Friends know that their place in your life is voluntary, and they’re going to try a little harder not to screw it up.

Whenever you’re confronted with a request for money, you need to consider a few things first. Can you afford to lose the money you’re putting out? Statistically speaking, friends and family probably aren’t going to pay you back. Even if they do pay you back, it can put a major strain on the friendship as it is. If you do decide to lend to them, be sure to establish clear boundaries and ground rules before you write that check – and then follow through on what you said. You want to lead by example, and you want this person to be responsible with your money.

While lending money to friends and family is generally discouraged, there are going to be situations when you feel the need to help out. When these situations come up, make sure you know what to expect before you go in – and maybe take the time to set up a loan contract, too. It’s not selfish to take care of your own financial needs first. It’s short-sighted not to. Your budget comes first, including saving for the future – don’t let someone else destroy your plans.


The Gold Digger

For a really long time, I thought I was immune to the effects of gold diggers. After all, I was a lesbian making just over minimum wage – surely the women who didn’t want to work would be aiming a little higher, like rich male CEO’s, right? Well, unfortunately, no one is immune to the Gold Digger’s trap – all it takes to make you vulnerable is the willingness to share what you’ve worked hard for, with someone who hasn’t worked for it.

When it comes to spotting a gold digger, the signs aren’t always so obvious if you’re not so well off. However, a woman who’s only with you for your money will expect you to pay for everything (or most things). She’ll come to you first if she has any financial troubles, but if you start to struggle, she’s nowhere to be found. More signs can be found here, but every situation is different. You’ll need to use your own discretion as you look through the microscope at your relationship.

When dealing with a gold digger, the easiest thing to do is sometimes to just walk away. Despite whatever she might say in protest, she was probably getting along just fine before you came into the picture, and she’ll find a way to make it work again on her own. You should never be pressured into financially supporting someone who isn’t willing to help you out, too.


The Big Spender

Finally, believe it or not, someone can be wealthy (or better-off) and still be bad with money. Some women spend outside their means because they’re trying to create an image for themselves. Other women are emotional spenders who impulse-buy without a second thought. There are even women who are clinically addicted to spending money – yes, shopaholics really are addicts. (That link also offers a few tests to see where your own spending habits lie.)

While there are a bunch of different reasons for shopping (and spending) addictions, it’s important that you treat this subject carefully. Your spend-happy partner might need some serious counseling to help undo years of compulsive shopping, and she has to actively want to get better or it’s never going to work.

Until she gets her spending under control, you should resist the urge to go “joint” on any financial decisions. Cosigning for a loan with her has the potential to ruin your bank account, and signing for a large purchase with someone who’s fiscally irresponsible is not a smart choice, either. Do your best to help her sort out her issues, but don’t make yourself vulnerable to her habits. Remember, your money mistakes can cost you for years – so don’t let your partner be one of them!

13 Things Your Partner Wants From You (But Shouldn’t Have to Ask For)

I’ve been giving relationship advice around here for a while now. In fact, Facebook just showed me today that my original interview with the KitschMix team was a full year ago – and I’m even more excited every day I get to be a part of this team.

That being said, there seems to be a lot of advice that I really shouldn’t have to give. I know there’s no such thing as an instant relationship expert, but these 13 things that – once you figure them out – you’ll wonder why you never saw it before.

Take it from me: Most relationship problems boil down to one of these 13 things.


1. She wants input in your life.

She probably doesn’t want to have her hand in everything you do, but she’s probably not just talking to hear herself talk. Listen to the advice she gives you. You’re the master of your own domain, in the end, but has she ever steered you wrong before?


2. She wants you to make an effort with your appearance.

Let’s face it – some people go through phases where they don’t care so much about their looks. I’m in one of those slumps myself right now – after gaining a bunch of weight, it’s hard for me to feel as sexy as I did when we first got together. But your girlfriend isn’t expecting you to look like you did when you were 18. She’s expecting you to try to look good for her.


3. She wants you to adore her.

Please note that “adore” does not mean the same thing as “dote on”, nor does it mean the same thing as “obsess over”. To adore your girlfriend, you simply need to take time out of your day to do the things that make her smile – simply because they make her smile.


4. She wants you to be the best version of yourself.

I’m not talking about the wealthiest, or the most spiritual, or the best in the sack. I’m talking about being the person you are destined to be, whatever your calling is. Your girlfriend wants you to set lofty goals, and then cheer you on as you reach toward them. It’s not about controlling you, it’s about helping you reach your full potential.


5. She wants you to be her cheerleader, too.

If your girlfriend, wife, or partner is pushing you extra hard to reach toward your goals, there’s a chance she’s struggling to reach her own. Unfortunately, you can’t exactly get yourself out of a hole by pushing someone else out first – you need to work together.


6. She wants you to understand what she wants from life.

Obviously, you’re not going to know what she wants every time she can’t pick a restaurant. That would just be silly. But a happy, healthy relationship requires that both partners are on the same page about the goals. You can’t push someone on the right path if you don’t know where the path is. Open the doors of communication and talk about your long-term plans, and be sure to ask about hers, too. Ask questions if you have to – she may be holding back because she thinks you won’t care!


7. She wants you to remember the little things.

Some people are really good at remembering the likes and dislikes of others, while other people are completely terrible about it. Even if you happen to fall into that second group, you can still make an effort to remember the things that are important to her – even if it’s something that seems silly, like how she takes her morning coffee.


8. She wants you to treat her like an adult.

In the heat of an argument, many people find themselves minimizing their partner in some way. After all, when we’re fighting, we’re self-serving and worrying about our own needs – which is healthy, to an extent. But if you talk to your partner like she’s a child, the only growth you’re going to have is resentment, and that’s not good for anyone.


9. She wants you to remind her that you’re an adult, too.

It’s great to have fun and do your own thing, but when doing your own thing starts to get in the way of her thing (whatever that may be), it’s time to make some grown-up decisions. Your relationship doesn’t have to come first every time, but if it never comes first, you need to ask yourself… Why not? Over time this can lead to her talking down to you, and while that’s still her bad for being condescending, you’ll need to gently remind her that there is an adult hidden in there somewhere. (And, maybe, put your inner child away for a little while.)


10. She wants your affection, encouragement, and attention.

Whether she wants to admit it or not, humans crave social interaction – and even the least social among us has some need for attention from another person. Even if she never says it, she wants you to look at her like she’s the queen of the world. She wants you to sneak a kiss whenever you can. She wants you to tell her that she’s got what it takes to make her dreams come true. Go ahead – tell her now.


11. She wants you to take her seriously.

I think we all have our little “crazy” moments from time to time. But if you care about your girlfriend, it is absolutely essential that you never make her feel like she’s crazy. What’s even worse is people who actually tell their girlfriends that they’re being crazy. Check out this history of the word “psychopath” and see if you really mean to call her that – or if you’re just being rude.


12. She wants you to be equals.

Let me make one thing clear: Being “equals” is not about who works more, who makes more money, or who does more around the house (although those are often the easiest places to start). If you and your partner are truly equals, neither of you will be “in control” of the other – and you will both be protecting, serving, and adoring one another. Don’t make it a competition – or you’ll lose every time.


13. She wants you to talk to her – about everything.

I’m the type of person to lay everything out on the table. (I’m convinced that’s why writing was a pretty good career choice for me.) Even if you’re not that type of person, an honest relationship requires that you find a way to be that kind of person, as much as you possibly can. You can’t work through problems if you refuse to acknowledge them. You can’t hang onto someone if you don’t tell her how much she means to you. And, you can’t love someone if you don’t talk to her about things. Communication has to go both ways, or it doesn’t work.


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Become More Likeable Girls By Following These 11 Simple Tips.

Sometimes it’s really hard to fit in and we can all do with a little bit of a push in the right direction. If you find it more difficult to make friends or struggle to feel comfortable in large groups, these little pointers can make all the difference.


Look People in the Eye

This might sound a little obvious but it’s surprising how many people don’t make eye contact when they are talking to someone. Make sure you look at them when you are engaging in conversation. We’re not saying you should stare, just meet their gaze and that applies even if she has a nice pair of boobs you’d rather be looking at.


Don’t Keep Looking at Your Smartphone

A real bugbear, this one. There is nothing worse than trying to talk to someone and they are more interested in looking at their phone than concentrating on what you are saying. Just don’t do it. Ever.


Call People by Name

We know, we know, what else are you supposed to call them, right? But what we mean is if you use their name mid conversation it can make people feel special and important. Give it a try the next time you are having a conversation and watch them smile.


Smile

Believe it or not some people are just not big smilers. The problem with that is it can make you seem miserable or bored. We’re not saying you have to sit there grinning inanely like a Cheshire cat, but smile now and then to show you are happy to be talking to them.


Listen Carefully

Listening is actually a skill in itself, especially if you are finding the conversation a bit boring or long winded. So make sure you pay attention and do not keep asking someone to repeat themselves.


Flatter People

There is a difference between flattering someone naturally or sounding like a creep. If someone looks nice, tell them. If they are telling you about an achievement tell them how well they’ve done. It will show them you care and that’s a nice opinion to have of someone.


Accept a Compliment

Many people find it really hard to accept a compliments they don’t want to come across as egotistical. But if someone makes the effort to praise you or say something nice, thank them and tell them you appreciate what they are saying.


Don’t Complain

Have you ever had the misfortune of talking to someone that just moans through the entire conversation? It’s harder to cope with than pulling teeth. Certain people often feel the need to moan about the weather, their hair, their partner, in fact they can find something to moan about no matter what! So don’t go there. Try and focus on some positive things to say. If you are both having a moaning fest that’s different, but if you’re engaging in a typical conversation hold back on the moaning.


Don’t Jump to Conclusions

Certain people have a tendency to always take things the wrong way or read more into a situation than there actually is. It can also mean you judge someone wrongly and build a wrong impression of them. Make sure you don’t do this. If you think someone is insinuating something, then politely ask them to elaborate on what they mean. This is better than presuming you think you know what they mean and get the wrong impression totally.


Watch Your Body Language

Big body language no nos. Yawning, bad tone of voice, scowling and putting your hands on your hips. Body language signals like these will make you come across in a really negative way so whatever you do try not to show these signals when you are talking to someone or are in a large group.


Make Everyone Feel Included

Sometimes people can feel really awkward if they are in a large group and they simply sit there and not speak because they are shy or they don’t think they have anything relevant to say. IF you notice a member of the group is not joining him direct a question at them and ask them their opinion. If you are really shy and don’t like big groups, try to show other ways you are involved in the discussion by nodding your head or even saying ‘I agree with you’ or relevant statements like that.  It won’t take long for others to then involve you more directly rather than taking no notice of you because you are not speaking.

 

What To Do If Your Girlfriend Is Bad with Money

Let me tell you a little story, and I want you guys to chime in on it in the comments. I’m going to change the names and leave out the specifics, and I just want to know if it sounds familiar to you. I’m guessing most of you have been either Linda* or Layla* in this story at least once in your life, and some of you might still be one of these people. Let’s see:

Linda is very self-motivated, and takes it upon herself to track her finances without “needing” to. She gets her bills paid on time, almost without thinking about it, because she has a system that lets her do so.

Her partner, Layla, on the other hand, is significantly less motivated when it comes to money, and she’s racked up a little bit of debt because of it. She makes enough money to pay her bills, but she struggles with making smart money choices.

As a result, she’s able to pay her share of the bills, but usually at the last minute (or late), and she can’t seem to save anything – no matter how much money she’s made that month. It seems like the list of things she needs to pay for expands to fill exactly how much money she has coming in.

Layla is embarrassed about her money habits, so she doesn’t tell Linda about them – and, in fact, she sometimes lies about them! She refuses to ask Linda for help, even though she knows Linda has more than enough money in savings, because she’s afraid to admit that she has a problem. She keeps telling herself that “this is the month I try harder with my money”, but because she’s completely alone in her fight, she fails.

Meanwhile, Linda gets more and more frustrated, because she feels that she’s paying more of the bills and handling more of the shopping, and – since she doesn’t know that Layla is struggling – she thinks that Layla is being totally unfair and expecting too much from them.

What should Linda and Layla do in this situation?

While the specifics of money problems are bound to vary from person to person, they most often come from bad habits set into place. Sometimes, the “bad habit” is nothing more than what I like to call “shiny-itis” (or the compulsion to buy the next new thing, whether the item is actually practical or not). Other times, the “bad habit” is that your bills are too high for your income. There are a number of other possibilities, too, but the process of getting past them is still largely the same.


Let her know you’re on the same team.

Often when there is a severe difference in money management skills within a couple, the partner who’s not so good with money will be embarrassed. Maybe past partners have shamed her or judged her for her money, or maybe she’s her own worst critic. Either way, it’s important that you let her know that you’re on the same team, and you have a better chance of fixing things together.

The simplest first step is to sit down and write out some goals. I’m not going to go into the specifics of why you need to write them down, but trust me – this list should be on paper. Don’t talk numbers yet – we’re just trying to get a picture of what you want your finances to look like.

Most importantly, you need to let her know that she has nothing to hide, and that you just want to help her improve herself. Your girlfriend is an adult – so treat her like one. Avoid being patronizing, or making her decisions for her. In order to make lasting change, it has to be a willing effort on her part.


Get to the root of the problem (or as close as you possibly can).

The vast majority of the time, money problems aren’t exactly a problem by themselves – they’re a symptom of a bigger problem. These bigger problems, if left untreated, can actually start to affect the other areas of your relationship, too, so it’s best to resolve them as early on as possible. In order to help her get past her problems, you have to understand them. You can’t give advice if you don’t know the question.

Examine where in her finances the issues lie. For example, does she spend outside of her means? This is usually a sign of insecurity. Does she have a lot of debt from credit and store cards? This could be a sign that she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. Likewise, emotional spending can be a sign that she’s impulsive, or that she suffers from depression. (Shopping is known to give the same euphoria that drugs and sex produce, so “retail therapy” can easily become an addiction.)

No matter what the specific causes are, talking about them will help you discover what other areas of her life she might need help with – even if you’re not the right person to help with them. While it’s normal to want to help her figure everything out, it’s actually pretty important that you let her find her own answers, too. She is her own person, and there is no guarantee that you guys will agree on every step of the process.


Get started as quickly as you can.

One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. And then, when you know better, do better.” This quote works great for almost every aspect of your life, because the people who take a slow start are already doing better than everyone who hasn’t started trying yet. As soon as you understand enough of the problem to take action, take action.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t think things through. I’m definitely not recommending that you go in on a joint bank account when your partner doesn’t even know how to look at prices yet. The important part of understanding the problem is deciding what the appropriate measures are for you to take.

Sit down together and have an honest discussion about your budget. You should both disclose your income, your spending, your saving, and your bills, as well as which of those things are “needs” and which are “wants”. No one needs to give up everything that brings them joy, but you’ll have to find a balance that doesn’t make you want to rip your hair out.


Act like she’s your partner.

Now that you have gone over the budget, you can start working things out to make the budget easier for her. Explain to her that money problems don’t usually come from a lack of funds – they come from a lack of priorities. Walk her through the tips and tools that you use, and give her a chance to ask questions if she needs.

If you have any hope of actually helping, you have to make sure she actually learns. While it might seem easier to just take over for her, I promise you – you’ll get frustrated very fast if you do it that way. The conversation is going to be uncomfortable, especially if she’s been hiding the truth for a while, but it’s essential that you give her some input on things, too.

By the time you’ve finished this step, you should have a fairly specific list of your average income (separately, and together); your average essential shopping; your average savings deposits; and, of course, your recurring bills. You should also have goals set for income, spending, and savings, which are revised from your Step One goals. Take a deep breath, and remember that there’s nothing to fight or judge over.


Get help from someone smarter than you.

I’d be willing to bet money that you’re not perfect with your money, either. There is always more to learn, so it’s worth it to invest (time) with an expert who can teach you something new. Subscribe to podcasts, read books, and take workshops together in order to reinforce the idea that this is a joint effort.

Finances require major teamwork, and many people simply haven’t had that experience in their lives yet. Bad habits can be really hard to break, especially in the case of impulse shopping and emotional spending. The more someone stresses about the situation, the more likely they are to repeat the bad behavior.

Unless your financial security is drastically better than your partner’s (for example, if you were born wealthy, or your income is more than 2x what hers is), it’s important not to spend much money on these expert tools. There is a lot more free information out there than most people realize. If you must spend money on the things you’re learning, make sure that it fits comfortably within your partner’s personal budget – she might not feel comfortable about you spending money to bail her out (even if that’s not exactly what’s really happening).


Make time to work on it.

Lastly, it’s important that you schedule a regular check-in time to go over your progress, your goals, and your expectations. This doesn’t have to be some big ordeal, but it should be carved out on your planners at least once a month, and maybe more often to start.

Remember that your budget is a no-judgment zone, and that her habits may have been forming for decades before you even came into the picture. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and she’s going to make some mistakes – quite possibly a lot of them. If you want long-term results, you have to learn to expect a few bumps in the road.

Your partner has the power to be the strongest member on your team – but only if you let her. You need to consistently work together, to handle the symptoms as well as the causes for the problems in your relationship. It gets easier in time, and as long as you’re both making a grown-up effort, the lessons you learn together are going to stick.

Do you have any other advice for couples struggling with their finances? Let us know in the comments – we’d love to hear about them!

Why You Should Ask Your Girlfriend’s Permission (Even Though You Don’t “Have To”)

I’ve heard it so many times before, in so many different articles (including, perhaps, a few of my own): You should never have to ask permission from your partner.

In some ways, that’s really good advice, too. Often, in the course of a relationship, we manage to forget that we are our own people, who happen to share our lives with one another.

The bonds we form can unintentionally take over, and before we know it, we find ourselves speaking for one another.

Unfortunately, though, to erase all of those bonds would mean you’re just two people who happen to be in close proximity to one another, and that’s not good, either.

Truly, it’s a balance. You should never feel pressured to ask permission from your partner for making decisions that only affect you.

The problem is, most of our choices don’t just affect us – which is why I choose to ask permission, even though my partner would never demand that I do.


It prevents a conflict.

How many times have you caught yourself making plans for you and/or your partner, only to find out later that your partner had other plans for that timeframe, or that she was uncomfortable with you participating? I know I’ve fallen victim to that one a time or two. That’s how I learned that asking first is the easiest way to prevent it from happening.

Seriously. Just ask. And don’t be afraid to let it be known that you’re asking, either.

We put too much emphasis on being our own people, and we forget that our relationship needs to be nurtured, too. When you feel comfortable with the idea of asking your partner before making plans, you’re giving her a chance to do the same with you. This way, plans don’t come as a surprise, and unless you both happen to plan a specific surprise for the exact same time, you won’t find yourself arguing about whose plans have to change.

(And if you argue about whose surprise was better, well… That’s another discussion entirely.)


It keeps your separate lives connected.

It’s so sad when you see people who say they’re in a relationship together, but really they’re just living together. I know I’ve been in that type of relationship, too, and it’s not fun. Not even a little. It can happen completely by accident, when we get busy with the rest of our lives, or it can happen intentionally when one partner is being deceptive.

Sadly, even when it’s unintentional, it can take a lot of hard work to repair the damage. If the two of you are entirely independent of one another, then what are you really doing together? A relationship that thrives on convenience, rather than love and respect, is doomed to fail (and be totally miserable until it does).

When you ask your partner’s permission, you’re giving her a peek into what you’ve got going on, without her having to pry. While I’m not going to say that asking permission will magically cure insecurity, it can definitely help to prevent the misunderstandings that come from a disconnect.


It allows you to make better decisions.

Personally, I like to pride myself on my decision-making skills. I’m an obsessive planner, and have a major compulsion to write down literally everything that’s going on in my life. Otherwise, I get terribly overwhelmed, and I’m too busy thinking about what I need to do tomorrow, that I can’t focus on what I need to do today.

Admittedly, this takes its toll on my decision-making skills, so I need someone to keep me grounded. Sometimes, that “someone” is my planner or my journal, but other times, it is absolutely my girlfriend.

The truth is, everyone has times when their decision-making skills are not their best. Logic and emotion can’t really coexist (at least not at the same time). Having someone to “check in” with before making a decision gives us a sounding board to weigh out the pros and cons. Most of the time, my girlfriend just listens as I go through everything on my own, and then tells me that she trusts my decisions.

Other times, she calls me out when I’m being totally irrational, and actually points me to the option that makes the most logical sense. Even the most rational people sometimes have off-days, and I don’t know about you, but I’m no Einstein over here.

In both cases, I’m grateful for the ability to talk things over with her – and I’m grateful that she gives me the same position in her own decision making process. It’s always nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, and it’s great to deflect to someone who may have a different perspective.


It shows respect.

Okay, this might be my inner traditionalist coming out to play here, but… Asking if your partner is OK with something before you do it is the respectful thing to do. Your choices do affect her, even if only minimally, and it’s nice to defer to her to make sure she doesn’t feel disrespected.

Again, asking permission won’t cure insecurity, but if it might help, why wouldn’t you do it?

Likewise, when you show your partner the respect of asking permission will also inspire her to do the same for you. If you’re the only one asking permission, that’s when it’s a problem. But if you each ask each other before you make your decisions, you’re reinforcing the idea that your relationship is a partnership.


It creates a partnership.

I know, I know – I kinda just said this. But your relationship needs to be a partnership. You two should lean on each other, and respect each other’s feelings about the important things, as well as the trivial things. (Of course, I’m not telling you to text your partner to ask if you can go to the bathroom or take your break at work – that would just be ridiculous.)

When you agree to ask each other before making your bigger decisions, you’re reminding each other that you’re on the same team, each of you allowing the other to have a say in things.

Remember, though – you both need to feel the same way, or it’s going to cause a chasm between you. If one of you is constantly asking permission, and the other is doing their own thing no matter what, you don’t have a partnership. You have a dictatorship and the relationship is going to have some serious negative consequences, for both of you.


Lastly, it gives you an “out”.

I’m sure there have been a time or two when you’ve been invited to something you’d really rather not do, but you couldn’t think of a good reason not to. (No? Is that just an introvert thing?)

In a healthy relationship, your partner will understand your desire to have an “out”, and she’ll be happy to oblige that for you. Of course, this shouldn’t be abused, but from time to time… It’s nice to know you’ve got someone to back you up.

In some cases, it gives your partner an out, too. Instead of making plans for both of you, it’s good to get in the habit of asking whether she wants to be included. “Do you mind if I…” and “Would you like to join me?” should go hand-in-hand, most of the time. You should want your partner to be an active part of your life, whenever appropriate.

(It might not be appropriate for work events, especially if you’re not out of the closet at work. It also might not be appropriate if someone else is footing the bill for the event, and your partner wasn’t invited. Use your own discretion – and then stick with the plan.)


No matter what your specific reasons for asking permission are, it’s a great habit to get into – and I am proud to say that I ask my girlfriend’s permission for something at least a few times a week. Do you?

Why You And Your Girlfriend Need To Learn Another Language

Maybe you got a C in high school Spanish. Maybe you’re a polyglot who already knows six languages. Or maybe you’ve never even thought about learning anything but English.

No matter where you fall on that spectrum, you and your girlfriend should learn another language together. It will bring you closer, spice up your love life and transform date nights into creative adventures.

Okay, you say. But how?


1. It’s a Project

Learning a language requires hours. Several hundred hours, in fact. But these hours will fly by when you’re working on something with your girlfriend, and you two will bond over the challenge of picking up a new tongue.

Learning a language is a long-term project that requires consistency, so the two of you can work together to decide how much you want to invest. If you’re a native English speaker, then French, Spanish or Afrikaans will be easiest to learn. If you want a challenge, choose a language that doesn’t use a Roman alphabet, like Arabic or Chinese.

When you’re learning a language, the whole world becomes your classroom – and a romantic date spot. What does a typical night for you and your girlfriend look like? Netflix? Take-out dinner? Homework?

Instead, picture you and your girlfriend sitting by a fire, learning to write love letters to each other in Japanese. Picture you both watching a black and white French film while sharing chocolate-covered strawberries. Or dancing the night away at salsa and bachata classes in Spanish. Or making a dozen new friends at an Italian conversation meet-up. When you’re learning another language, the ordinary – letters, movies, dancing, conversation – becomes a romantic and interesting date idea.


2. It’s a Secret Code

Your girlfriend looks particularly attractive today, and you want to tell her all the naughty things you want to do. Unfortunately, your parents are sitting across the table. Solution? You could wait until you and your girlfriend get home. Or you could switch to Swahili and say, Nakutaka – I want you.

It’s gratifying to share something with your partner. You’ll start to text in a mixture of English and another language. You’ll send each other funny cartoons or idioms. You’ll develop your own inside jokes. It’s almost like the language is just between you and her.


3. It’s a Gateway

If your girlfriend’s family speaks another language, the best way to earn their approval and demonstrate your commitment is to ask her to teach you that language. That’s also the best way to truly learn about her culture. Without knowing the language of her family, you’ll always be missing a key part of who she is.

Sure, you’ll mispronounce words and incorrectly conjugate verbs and confuse subject-adjective agreement. But the point is that you’re trying. The more you try, the more you will learn about her and the closer you will become.

Discouraged? Consider setting up a reward system. Every time you say something correctly, she gives you a kiss. Every time you don’t, she gives you a naughty punishment…


Ready, set, go!

Here are some free and fun resources to help you get started.

  • Duolingo offers twenty languages languages, everything from Spanish to Ukranian to Esperanto. It works on a game-based system, so you won’t even realize you’re learning. Compete against your girlfriend for the highest score. Loser has to do dishes.
  • Language Zen only offers Spanish, but will add more languages soon. This revolutionary program teaches you through songs and personalizes itself based on your language goals. The goal is to take the anxiety out of learning a language. With Language Zen, learning it has never been easier.
  • Fluent in Three Months may sound hardcore, but this course proves that anyone can learn any language with ease through immersion. This website offers guidebooks, blog posts, newsletters and a helpful community of thousands of people, so that you and your girlfriend can connect with others.

Happy language-learning! Viel Glück! (Good luck!)

How To Let Go Of Your Fear Of Abandonment

Have you ever caught yourself irrationally fearing that your partner will fall in love with every stranger they see on their street? That they haven’t texted you for an hour because they’re bored of you and all the magic between you has been lost since that morning when you ate pancakes together? That you’ll never be as important as their exes?

If your answer is positive, you also probably find yourself surrounded by an ugly shameful feeling, because you might see yourself as the text-reading, facebook-stalking caricature character from that rom-com you watched the other day.

Now, behaviors such as these are indeed manipulative and possessive, and you should never fall into their pit or, if you already have, you seriously need to work on that. Still, fear of abandonment and the relationship anxiety that it’s causing is a primal fear, valid and torturous, and it most definitely is not something to be guilty or ashamed for.

Most of the times this fear is irrational. You might try to find an excuse for it but fail miserably: your partner might have not given you any ground to believe that they’re going to cheat on you, any sign that they’re not as much in love with you anymore as they used to be,  that you’re not enough for them, or that they’re gonna wake up tomorrow morning with the urge to leave you. These fears just exist and come without a warning. And that’s just horrible. You may have a beautiful, healthy relationship, and yet constantly feel like you’re poisoning it because you can’t trust enough, you can’t rationalize enough, you can’t relax enough. Especially when both (or more than both, in the case of a polyamorous relationship) of you work that way, finding some peace of mind might seem impossible.

Generally, try to remember that this is how people generally function: with their insecurities, their missteps and exaggerations. All of these are a hundred percent valid human responses to love and investment and insecurity, and they don’t make you a burden, or hard to love. You can just start building this, step by step, in order to start feeling more comfortable in your own skin and with the people who are important to you.

Discussing everything with your partner is a wonderful start, and good communication might make it so much easier, but sometimes even when you assure each other that you’re okay, it’s not enough for the noise in your head to buzz out.

I might be the last person allowed to give advice on such an issue, since I still freak out about everything and ruin several dinner dates and sleepovers. However, you can let me share my experience – not about something I’m over with, but about something that’s still pretty relevant in my life. It might help just letting you know you’re not alone, since that was the first step I made to feel better myself: ask whether I was the only person on Earth that poisoned my own relationship with my phobias, and feeling oddly reassured when I found out there was nothing unusual about me. It might also help if I share with you my coping techniques: not what solves the problem, but what I have found out makes it more viable.


1 – Take some distance from your thoughts

Sometimes it comes and it’s so harsh that you can’t go on without discussing it and overanalyzing it.

Some others, though, it briefly brushes over the surface of your mind amidst a thousand other thoughts. Something along the lines of of “oh yeah, I acknowledge that fear, it’s something that exists and can possibly affect my evening and remind me that I can never actually lay back and be happy in this relationship”. In these cases it’s better if you try to distract yourself. I’ve found out that this fear, when it remains on this relatively harmless stage, can pass and let me enjoy my trip, my daydreaming or my evening at the playground, without demanding to be set upon the surgical table and be exhaustively peeled and chopped to its ingredients.


2 – If it doesn’t go away, talk

If you see that your thoughts insist, don’t let them prevent you from sleeping at night. It’s vital that you discuss such things with your partner. Don’t ever feel like you’re being ridiculous or clingy for asking questions, but remember: There’s a huge difference between asking your partner, for example, about their feelings towards a friend that causes you jealousy, and demanding that they actually stop seeing that person or talking to them, just because you feel that their relationship is taking up space from yours.


3 – If you ask, believe

Trusting someone and knowing it’s safe to do so is a process. People often deny themselves their feelings or the possibility of a relationship in order to not feel vulnerable for placing their trust on someone else. But sometimes, even when the other person has given you every reason to trust them, you find yourself incapable of believing them. That’s one of my biggest problems, and I still have to fight with it, but then I try to remember that my partner does his best to prove his love to me everyday with his actions, therefore, there lies some effort to me in order to learn to give credibility to what he says, and not assume things on my own.


4 – When you learn how to believe, let the other in

Sometimes the worst thing that can do to your communication is to translate your partner’s point of view in your own language, instead of trying to grow familiar with theirs.

For example: When I’m supposed to fall in love, I do it almost instantly and with the first sparks of attraction. My partner functions in the completely opposite way: he needs to take his time, get to know the other person as friends first, form an intimate bond with them, before he can start experiencing romantic feelings. The fact that I refused to believe that a person can work in a different way than I do, made me freak out for months. I convinced myself that we were doomed and that we’d never feel the same way (spoiler alert: eventually, we did). We had to work hard in order to start understanding how the other thinks and feels, but for the work to start, we first had to realize that it’s a thing that actually happens: people think differently, feel differently, fall and stay in love through different processes, and that’s okay.

So let your partner know what it feels like to be in your mind. It will solve many misunderstandings and help them know you better.


5 – It’s not us, it’s me

Try to check whether it’s your own insecurities acting up when your relationship doesn’t face any other challenges. I don’t mean ‘stop whining, it’s all in your mind’. Sorry to break it to you, but most things are in our mind and yet, that doesn’t make them any less real. No. What I’m saying is, once you realize that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship per se, or at least that less things are wrong than what you think, it’s a first step in the process of rationalizing things a bit easier.

When I took a step back and wondered why I’m always incapable of believing my partner when he says he truly wants me, is happy with me, and won’t turn to other people, I found out that it’s not caused by anything he does wrong. Instead, it’s induced by the fact that I can’t really imagine how I could ever want me, or be satisfied by me, if I was another person, because of my own low self-esteem.

That doesn’t mean that you can magically solve all of your problems because you acknowledge them: I don’t believe that anyone can learn to love themselves overnight just because someone told them to. Self-acceptance and self-love is a long and bumpy road. But figuring that out was at least the start of accepting that the problem wasn’t caused by the lack of my partner’s appreciation, or his potential dishonesty when he comforted me.

Here is another important detail: when your fear is there, making your life harder, but you acknowledge that it’s caused by your own insecurities and that your partner has done nothing wrong to trigger it, let them know: it’s important to assure them that you’re not blaming them when it would be unfair to do so and when, you actually, are not.


Fear escalates to worse fear, even when you discuss things and feel temporarily better: it can seem like a relationship dementor: sucking all the happiness from the room, making you believe that you’ll never relax and enjoy, or even that this relationship is doomed, if not by its ingredients, then by your overthinking itself.


6 – Analyze wisely

Discussing things with your partner is vital, but you can always talk to your friends as well, to people who’ve probably been through that before, who care for you but inspect the dynamics of your relationship more soberly, from a more detached, distanced point of view. Overanalyzing is paralyzing, some say, but when it’s inevitably what you (and I, trust me!) have learnt to do best, sometimes you need to figure out how to use it productively for your own profit.


Talk openly and deeply. Respect what you listen and demand to have your own feelings respected. Let your partner know why you feel the way you do, or try to figure it out together. Long, hard conversations, are sometimes the biggest challenges and can help you know and care for each other in a deeper way.

Everything requires effort but no effort is in vain. You learn and you grow, and you’ll stumble again, but each time, your feet will feel a bit more coordinated.

In the end, always remember: focusing on the present builds the likeliness for a future.

5 Ways You’re Unintentionally Abusing Your Girlfriend

The other day, as I was browsing the sites I frequent, I came across this article about abusive behaviors. Naturally, I was curious – the intersection of mental health, love, and abuse is a really big topic to me (and one that I hope my articles do proper justice). However, when I started to read the article, I was taken back. For those who don’t want to read the whole thing, the author seeks to describe some behaviors that he’s identified in his own relationships that can be taken as abusive.

I don’t want to think that you can accidentally abuse someone. It’s so much easier to think of an abuser as the exception, rather than the rule. It’s hard to explore the idea that the potential for abuse lies within each and every one of us.

As I kept reading his article, though, I saw myself in some of these actions. I was speechless – I am an advocate for people getting out of abusive situations, ASAP. Was it really possible that I, too, had created abusive situations for my partners, past and present? I didn’t want to believe it – but I knew I had to.

If you have the time, please read Jamie Utt’s full article (here’s that link again). His article is aimed at cis straight men, but his points ring true for so many of us. In the meantime, here’s a list of 5 abusive things you do that you probably had no idea could be taken as abusive.


1. Acting on our emotions.

Humans are super emotional creatures. There’s some debate as to whether other animals feel the same emotions we do, and in turn whether they’re capable of “actual abuse” in the clinical sense. But humans are definitely capable of feeling emotions, and when we act on those emotions without regard to how they affect others, that is abusive.

One of the most common emotions that affect our relationships is jealousy. At its core, your jealousy is not your partner’s responsibility. None of your emotions are. When you take the step to look through her phone, casually scroll through her Facebook friends list, or otherwise use your jealousy to justify an intrusion on her personal privacy, you are being abusive.

Likewise, our personal insecurities can come into play, too. Your partner’s actions and words may play a part in your insecurities, but make no mistake: Your insecurities are not her fault. They are your reaction to her actions. While she should try to keep your feelings in mind as appropriate, that doesn’t mean she deserves to be held accountable for them.

With these two emotions, we don’t see our actions as abusive, because – after all – part of being in a relationship is accepting that your actions will inspire a certain reaction in a partner. However, if we were to apply that logic to all emotions, anger can turn into aggression, which can turn into physical violence or emotional abuse of a partner. It’s easy to say that what you’re doing “isn’t that bad”, but by excusing these gateway emotional response, we’re setting ourselves up for a worse emotional response down the line.

Instead, you should work through your emotional reaction before taking an action. Emotion is a normal part of the human experience, but your partner deserves a fair chance to speak her side. If you need to let off your emotions, do so in a journal or to a trusted friend – and then, once you’ve calmed down, express your concerns to your partner and allow her to voice her side. There’s a chance your suspicions are exactly right, and you are entitled to your disbelief if the evidence is against her, but you owe her the respect of giving her a chance to explain.


2. Controlling the situation.

This is one that I’ve struggled with for much of my life. We often learn at a very young age that we need to be assertive in order to get what we want. We have to make sure that our own interests are taken care of. These are very valuable lessons to learn, of course, but they also set us up for unintended consequences.

When we start with assertiveness, this can easily shift toward control if we’re not careful. It’s important that we take actions to get the things we want, but we should not force someone else to give us what we want. In that context, it’s easy to see how it can be abusive, but it’s not usually so black and white.

Think over your relationship. When’s the last time you pressured your partner to give in to your will? For example, you want to get a puppy, but your live-in partner doesn’t want a puppy. Just as with any other examples of consent (because coercion is a byproduct of rape culture), if one person says yes and the other says no, the answer is no.

Likewise, your attitude about the situation comes into play, too. Intention does matter, even if it’s not the only thing that matters. Even when you compromise with your partner, the way you treat that compromise makes a difference. We can be unintentionally abusive when we applaud ourselves for being “accommodating”. The word itself is a bit patronizing, don’t you think?

Compromise isn’t about being the bigger person. It’s about being a decent person. And, if you think you deserve a pat on the back for being a decent person, you are not a decent person. If the motive behind your compromise is anything other than fairness and common decency, you’re making yourself a martyr – which is one of the signs of gaslighting.


3. Refusing to listen.

Particularly when we’re affected by stress, anger, or insecurity, we may be prone to ignore the things our partner wants, or the things she asks of us. We might even come up with excuses as to why it’s “not our fault” that we didn’t listen or didn’t remember the things she said. In some cases, those excuses are absolutely true – but, most of the time, they’re just excuses.

Talking to your partner is meant to be a productive experience. She brings her concerns to you because she trusts you to help with them, even if the only “help” needed is a listening ear. If you’re continually making your partner repeat the things she expects from you, you’re telling her that your convenience is more important than her happiness. You’re telling her that what you want is more important than her comfort.

What’s worse is that, by refusing to listen to her (and denying the validity of the things she says), you’re telling her that you know better. While that’s certainly going to be true, some of the time, it’s important to remember that she is her own person. Continually ignoring her wants and needs makes you a bad partner, regardless of the reasons you come up with for why you’re ignoring them.

I think the scariest part of this particular problem is that there’s often a disconnect involved. The partner who doesn’t listen may, in turn, accuse her partner of “nagging”, while the partner being ignored feels that her partner is willfully disregarding her feelings. Assuming that you don’t want that scenario to take over your relationship, you need to make an active effort to listen to her.

Does that mean you need to do everything your partner asks? No – that would make her your controller. But it’s important to listen to her and understand which of her complaints is the most important, and which you can reasonably fix. She is your partner – not your boss, and not your assistant. Treat her fairly, and take her into consideration when making your decisions.


4. Emotionally manipulating her.

Many of us have experienced emotional manipulation at some point or another in our romantic relationships. Sometimes, it’s entirely unintentional, or even conditioned (and condoned) through society. It makes sense that emotions play a big part in our relationships, but using someone’s emotions against them is a terrible way to handle your own emotions.

It’s far too easy to excuse emotional manipulation as just gaslighting and name-calling, but the truth is, emotional manipulation happens more often than we’d like to admit. Any time you withhold sex, affection, or attention from your partner, because of something she’s done (or hasn’t done), you are emotionally manipulating her. Even if you have the best of intentions with your manipulation, it’s still manipulation.

Another common form of manipulation is playing hard-to-get, or using the words “If you loved me you would…” as a precursor for a request. We see both of these behaviors a lot in our favorite “romantic” movies and television plots, but they’re definitely not romantic. They’re about using someone’s desire to make you happy against them in a very personal way.

Let’s think about this one from the other side. Telling someone that their love for you needs to be proven through certain specific actions is unfair, at best, and very abusive at worst. People love differently, and while there are some general signs that someone cares about you and some signs that they don’t, there is no single arbitrary quantifier. Love doesn’t need to be quantified, nor does it need to be qualified.

Less obvious are “relationship tests”, set up to catch your partner in inappropriate behavior. For a long time, I used to tell the people I dated, “If I find out you’re testing me, I will fail… On purpose.” That’s because secretly testing someone is unfair, and it just shows that you are too insecure to be in a relationship right now. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you realize that and choose not to be in a relationship. But no one should have to jump through hoops to make you happy, whether they know the hoops are there or not.

Instead, discuss your true feelings with your partner, without the passive-aggressiveness that leads to emotional manipulation. If you have a concern, express it as a concern – not as an ultimatum. Chances are, your relationship will be happier and stronger once you let go of your need to control your partner through her emotions. (And she will definitely be happier, too.)


5. Showing aggression when things don’t go your way.

I’m going to level with you guys: I suffer with some temper problems. I have moderate anxiety, and some days it’s incredibly difficult to keep my anger in check. But just because you feel angry does not mean you have to show aggression – and learning the difference between the two is essential to living a happy life.

The main difference between anger and aggression is that anger is an emotion – a normal and perfectly natural reaction to things gone wrong. Aggression, on the other hand, involves an act (or threat) of violence. Sometimes, this violence is sudden and noticeable – such as when a relationship turns physically abusive. It doesn’t usually start that way, though.

The threat of violence can be stated, or it can be implied – such as when Jamie (from the HuffPost article) slammed his hands down on the table and scared his wife. The implication here is that, if he’s willing to slam his hands down on the table to express his anger, he needs that physical release of his anger. You can tell yourself all you want that your anger is “under control” because you only take it out on inanimate objects – but you’re sending your partner a very clear message.

Instead, if you must reach out for a release of your anger, try channeling your anger into physical activity. From a psychological standpoint, it’s a lot more helpful in releasing your frustrations, and it’s really good for you, too. While I don’t recommend exercising with the person you’re upset with, necessarily, it’s a great way to harness your adrenaline. Remember everything you know about “fight or flight”? Well, the goal here is to use “flight” to prevent “fright”. (See what I did there?)

Physical exercise works for a number of reasons. First, it produces endorphins, which are your body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Second, it helps to lower your blood pressure, which is both a cause and an effect of elevated stress levels. Third, it helps to burn off extra energy and adrenaline that can cloud your judgment and lead you to poor relationship decisions.