Tag Archives: Dating

Why ‘Ask for Angela’ Is An Important Campaign Against Harassment

We live in a frustrating age, and I’m not saying this in the sense that my grandmother would, or at least I hope I’m not.

We meet the people we date with online and, in my opinion, this is simply extraordinary. I’m not big on dating apps myself, in fact in the short period I tried Tinder I got easily bored and dropped it, but I do understand how helpful this might be for some people, how overly simplifying it must be for most processes.

I do understand, cause going out to meet people is definitely not the easiest thing for me either. My best friend met her girlfriend through Tinder and I just keep getting amazed by all these new opportunities.

We live in a frustrating age, with all that simplification, all these sources and different means to get stuff done, from working online and having the chance to get your voice heard in a blog-style journalism written “bottom-top”, to meeting your partner so easily and start a web mini-series. But at the same time, this age is so frustrating especially because it keeps getting more and more horrifying.

I can see no linear progress here, not of the kind that is relevant and necessary to our times. In a Europe and America with ever-growing sexism and racism, respect for human rights seems to gradually grow sicker, instead of finding the good soil to root and grow.

Women keep living in a constant fear of abuse, in societies that want to be called modern but are, in reality, soaked in rape culture. Being a woman or a gender non-conforming person can be extremely dangerous in our days. My best friend studying in London keeps telling me how unsafe she feels returning home alone at night because of people following her and shouting things at her. In Athens, where I live, we keep hearing devastating news about rape and assault against women and LGBT+ person. A lady I know had some guy flash his dick at her at 8pm outside her house at the centre of the city.

I know men who get angry if I talk about rape culture too often, because they immediately take it as a personal insult. This is all fucking terrifying and, especially with Trump’s election in the US, societies can no longer afford to ignore the dangers certain groups of people face every day.

Solidarity with each other is vital. When you see another person alone in potential danger, being followed, catcalled, harassed, or made uncomfortable by another person, first of all measure whether it’s safe for you to step forward. Is it one person or more harassing another one? Are you outnumbered? Is it a crowded place, or somewhere you can ask for help if needed? In any case, it might be really helpful if you go up to a girl and act like you know them, or call them from the opposite pavement, so that you show they have company.

Thankfully, there are some bigger initiatives to protect women and people facing potential danger of harassment when dating or simply hanging out. Lincolnshire Country Council have a new campaign for awareness against sexual violence.

The #NoMore campaign aims to fight back the harassment that people may experience in public social situations. What they do, is encourage anyone who feels unsafe and uncomfortable when they are alone on a night out, to go up to the bar and Ask for Angela.

It might be a Tinder date going against the plan, a person you just met making you feel uncomfortable or a stranger not leaving you alone. The purpose is to spread the word so that the code can be recognized by the staff of the bar, so that they can call a taxi or help discreetly, in some other way.

User @iizzzzzi shared a picture of a poster that was hung in a restroom, letting people know about “Ask for Angela”, in order to make it viral, while also spreading awareness for harassment issues. The poster reads:

Are you on a date that isn’t working out? Is your Tinder or POF [Plenty of Fish] date not who they said they were on their profile? Do you feel like you’re not in a safe situation? Does it all feel a bit weird? If you go to the bar and ask for ‘Angela,’ the bar staff will know you need help getting out of your situation and will call you a taxi or help you out discreetly—without too much fuss.”

The Lincolnshire County Council’s strategy co-ordinator for substance misuse and sexual violence and abuse, Hayley Child, told the Independent:

The ‘Ask for Angela’ posters are part of our wider #NoMore campaign which aims to promote a culture change in relation to sexual violence and abuse, promote services in Lincolnshire and empower victims to make a decision on whether to report incidents.”

10 Struggles The Straightforward Girl Has To Cope With

If you are anything like me and speak your mind, are confident in your own decisions and are never backwards at coming forwards, then you are classed as being straightforward. People know that you mean what you say, you’re a no nonsense girl that is on top of stuff and you won’t tolerate any bull. But, as much as there are benefits to having that type of personality, there are also drawbacks as well.

For example, I can be quite acerbic and my sharp sense of humour and my occasional sarcasm does offend people sometimes. I don’t mean to, but it happens. Plus, to be completely honest, this doesn’t always worry me either. It’s a take me as I am attitude. I also find that some of my friends will rely on me a lot because they see me as being strong and able to cope. But that can get quite wearing.

So, for all you straightforward girls out there, what are our top 10 struggles?

Sometimes what you say is taken as bitchiness.

When you say exactly what is on your mind people often think you are being a nasty bitch. If someone is annoying the hell out of you, you aren’t afraid to let them know it. However, most people don’t like this openness and take it as a criticism or an insult, when in fact you are simply letting them know that they are bugging you and you’d like them to stop.

Your brain thinks it; your mouth speaks it.

This can be a real issue on occasion. For example, if you are in a situation where a bit of sensitivity is needed or you are talking to someone with opposing views to yours, not having a filter from our brain to our mouth can sometimes cause us problems.

You always tell the truth, no matter what.

Oh boy, can’t this be a problem sometimes? Some people simply don’t like the truth, but as far as your concerned why bother to ask the question if they don’t want an honest answer and what is the point in you lying to them? If a friend asks you if her new top looks good and you think it doesn’t you will till her as much. Not to hurt her feelings, but it’s what you think and you want her to look good. However, many people ask some questions such as this for you to make them feel better and unfortunately they are not going to get that from you unless you believe it to be true.

Annoying people seem to like you.

Loudmouths, gossips, troublemakers and aggressors all seem to be drawn to you like bees around a honeypot. They think your outspokenness makes you one of them and therefore you must think like them and behave like them, so they are eager to build friendships with you. Just because you say what you mean doesn’t mean to say you are a nasty or hurtful person.

You aren’t afraid of your boss.

It’s amazing how many bosses hate this. It’s as if they think their staff should be scared of them in order for them to exert control or authority over you. Many people are intimidated by their bosses and although you understand they are your superior and are in a position of power this doesn’t make you behave any differently towards them. If you have a boss on an ego trip that expects to be treated and spoken to like they are a demi god, it’s unlikely you will stay with the company for very long.

You automatically become the leader in situations.

This struggle gets very wearing sometimes. If you meet up with friends, they will have assumed that you have the whole night planned out for you all. If it’s someone’s birthday they will automatically put you in charge to organize something wonderful. Sometimes it would just be nice to go along with what has already been organized by someone else rather than having to take responsibility for everyone else’s fun on your own shoulders.

You’re extremely sarcastic

Straightforwardness and sarcasm seem to go hand in hand. As your brain is very sharp and your sense of humour is always in play you often make sarcastic comments about things that some people are never sure how to take. You can almost see their brains ticking as they try to work out if you were being funny or a complete bitch.

You won’t tolerate stupidity.

Most straightforward people are often very intelligent and well informed so if someone is saying something completely idiotic you have no patience in dealing with them. You are very likely to tell them they are saying something ridiculous or you will simply say nothing at all and blank them completely while looking at them with a face that says a thousand words!

People with no drive frustrate you.

As a very driven person you get very frustrated at people that seem to have no get up and go or ambition. You probably find that most of your friends are very similar to yourself and have a drive for success. When dealing with someone with little drive you are likely to want to stick a bomb up their jacksie and will not hesitate in telling them to shake themselves into action, and quickly.

You are very open.

You don’t have any problem being open and honest about your own life. You’d quite happily discuss your sex life or your partying habits or your latest problem with your partner, but some people don’t like this and get embarrassed with other people’s openness. You probably always wonder why people have a problem with openness, but it won’t make you stop. You’ll still continue to be open not matter what anyone else says.

Is ‘Partner’ A Better Word Than ‘Girlfriend’ For Describing The Person You Are Romantically Involved With?

Girlfriend or boyfriend has always been used to describe our other halves, but sometimes members of the LGBTQ community are not comfortable with using these terms. It’s easy to understand why.

For example, girlfriend or boyfriend is the generic term for heterosexual couples to use for each other which implies a strict gender identity. Many people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer the terms boyfriend or girlfriend is a constant reminder that society only views gender as man or woman and there is no area in-between. It pushes trans people out of the romantic language completely.

That’s not comfortable for transgendered people so they tend to prefer the term partner which doesn’t identify a gender.

The other issue is what the word girlfriend or boyfriend implies. To heterosexual couples it simply means you are dating and in some kind of relationship, whether it is serious or not. But for lesbians that’s not so straightforward and it’s hard to explain to people outside of our own community.

For example, if you are in a casual fling, is the other girl your ‘girlfriend’? Are you ‘girlfriends’ if you occasionally hook up romantically but both agree not to date? In the case of lesbians and the complicated structures of our romantic status, the term girlfriend implies a relationship whereas the term partner doesn’t hold these connotations.

Another thing to consider is for those who are perhaps not out to everybody or are not comfortable telling people about their sexual identity. For example, using the word partner won’t bring unnecessary attention to your sexual orientation. When we meet someone for the first time it’s hard to tell if that person is homophobic and it might cause you problems if you out yourself to them straight away, especially if you are meeting new colleagues at work or are surrounded by a group of people you don’t know.

In situations like these, using the word partner can protect you in uncertain circumstances. Of course, some people don’t care what others think and will use the term girlfriend or boyfriend whomever they are talking to, but not everybody is comfortable doing this.

Some people in the LGBT community are very happy to use the term ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and that’s fine. It is a case of what works best for the individual. But it seems that many of us are now using the word partner a lot more simply for the fact that it doesn’t imply things we don’t want it to imply and it’s a way of avoiding labelling, gender identity and homophobia.

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It’s Official, Ruby Rose And The Veronicas’ Jess Origliasso Are Dating

Over the weekend, Ruby Rose shared this photo with long time friend and one half of The Veronicas, Jessica Origliasso.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMcE212gcxD/

Then Jessica confirmed the pair – who have previously dated – were back together again in an exclusive interview with Herald Sun:

I’m so proud to be with a woman I not only adore but I respect and admire highly. She is the kindest, most ambitious, most compassionate woman… neither of us were necessarily prepared for how we would feel and the fact that life can lead you back to something so special yet have it feel completely new again. It’s absolutely magical.”

Apparently, the two fell back in love while filming a music video for The Veronica’s On Your Side, and the music video itself actually maps some of their relationship.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMMqiVEgJqk/

Jess added:

When we first got together way, way back, it was hard to know how much to share. Now we are quite protective of what we have, so obviously being able to be open enough but keeping a lot of it for ourself is something that we’re very conscious of and I think it just depends on the people what you’re willing to share.”

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And while it’s been eight years since Ruby and Jess first dated, they remember it like it was yesterday.

She [Ruby] reminds me exactly how much last time definitely happened. She doesn’t let me forget anything.

I don’t know, it’s just a crazy thing when you care about someone for so long and then you have the chance to be able to reconnect.
And we’ve grown up a lot, we met very early on and we were very different people.”

Even Jess’s identical twin sister Lisa isn’t surprised that Ruby and Jess are back together.

From the beginning I’ve always seen the chemistry and the connection there. [Ruby] has been a very dear friend. So obviously I’m like yeah babe, obviously you two are in this.”

We can’t wait to see the video in full and are psyched for these two are together. Expect to see On Your Side out later this week!

12 More Things You Should Do More in Your Relationship

Back in September, we ran an article about some of the things that you and your partner should do more often to have a happier relationship.

Believe it or not, that long list was far from exhaustive – there are still 12 more things you should try to do more, if you’re looking to have the happiest, healthiest relationship you’ve ever had.

Are you ready to take these 12 tips and make them your own?

Travel someplace new.

Traveling helps expand your world. You get the chance to learn about a new culture, if you travel far enough, and you get to try new things. Plus, when you travel with your partner, you have plenty of time to get to know each other better. Just make sure you set the perfect road trip playlist before you leave. If you and your partner have different taste in music, make sure you’re giving a good balance of her songs and your songs, as well as a few you both enjoy.

Go on a hike.

Hiking is a great way to stay in shape, and you might just have an adventure while you’re out. First, set aside a full day for the fun adventures you’re about to have. Get packed up for a picnic, and make sure you have something to keep mementos in. After all, you’re creating memories – so you want to make sure you’ve got a way to remember them. (If you’re hiking somewhere protected, bring along a camera instead – it may be illegal to remove anything from the natural habitat.)

Try a new restaurant or eatery.

As great as home-cooked meals are, there’s something stress-busting about letting someone else do the cooking and the dishes. You don’t always want to “work” for your date, but you don’t want to let things get too mundane either. It’s great to have a favorite place – but if you’ve never tried Thai, Indian, or Peruvian food, you might as well check them out with your partner. Even if you don’t like the food, you’ve created a great memory with your partner – and that’s more important.

Build your “love maps.”

If you’ve never heard of a love map, don’t fret – it’s simply a guide to the inner workings of your partner. Relationship researcher and author John Gottman suggests that couples who have a deep understanding of the things that are important to each other have a happier relationship over all. Little things, big things, and everything in between – what matters to her? Check out this list of questions if you’re stumped for what to talk about – and make sure you pay attention to the answers!

Go skydiving (or just do something exciting).

Maybe skydiving isn’t for everyone – I know it’s not really something I’m personally interested in. But it’s important that you try new, exciting things that get your blood pumping. Not only are you crafting memories, but you’re also increasing your blood-oxygen levels, which is proven to lead to better sex. Whether that blood-oxygen comes from exercise or adrenaline doesn’t really matter – just get excited!

Have more sex.

While we’re on the subject of “better sex,” it’s also important to have more regular sex. I’m not talking regular like “boring,” either. There’s a known connection between sexual satisfaction and happiness, and it’s not clear which is the cause and which is the effect – but it doesn’t hurt to give this one a shot anyway. Sex promotes the production of oxytocin and dopamine – which, respectively, bond you together and make you happy. Why wouldn’t you want to have more sex?

Meditate.

I am all about meditating these days. It’s so great for your brain – it promotes better stress-battling tactics, better sex, better focus, more clarity, and even better sleep. It might seem a bit awkward at first, but it’s a lot simpler than you might think. I personally use the Calm app daily, but there are many other meditation apps, sites, and guides out there. Find the one that works best for you, and make it a daily habit that you do together!

Keep a “conflict journal.”

While it’s tempting to hash out a fight right when things start to bother you, research shows that it’s better to write things out from an impartial stance. Journaling about what happened, from a third-party, neutral stance, you can separate yourself from your opinions about the subject and instead approach things with more empathy and understanding. You don’t need to share these journals with each other, although you can if you choose. It’s just important to evaluate things without letting those pesky emotions get in the way.

Take on a new hobby.

Hobbies are great. Not only do they help you grow yourself as a person, but when you engage in a hobby with someone you care about, you’re more likely to enjoy the experience – even if you don’t like the particular hobby. Plus, hobbies are a great alternative to traditional dates, especially when you choose something that sounds interesting to both of you. Even if you don’t like it after all, you’ve made a memory and a story to tell.

Run an obstacle course or fun run.

Brief story time: I used to work for a marathon photography company. I got to see first-hand how excited people are when they finish something they set out to do. Obstacle courses, in particular, require hard work and training – both of which can carry over to your relationship quite well. My girlfriend and I are attending a “zombie run” this weekend, but the events available near you may be different. Check with your local community center, or do a quick internet search to see what’s close and within your budget – and then train for it! (Together, of course.)

Create shared meaning.

It’s important to maintain your autonomy, but it’s also important that you and your partner see eye to eye on certain things. “Shared meaning” is simply a rundown of the most important aspects of your relationship. What routines are most special to you? What holidays are important? What are your shared goals and expectations? What roles do you each play in your partnership? If you don’t agree the first time you talk through things, try to find a compromise that benefits both of you – and then roll with it.

Spend an extra 6 hours together every week.

That might seem like a lot of extra time – but really, it’s a lot of little times that are doable. Here’s the breakdown:

2 minutes per work day (10 minutes per week): Briefly talk about what’s on your partner’s schedule that day, and give her a nice send-off. If you work different schedules, you may need a few more minutes each week, but it still doesn’t take much.
20 minutes per day (1:40 per week): Give each other a hug and kiss when you reunite, and spend some time talking about your day. As we discussed in the previous installment, it’s important to talk about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the embarrassing stuff.
5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Tell your partner what you’re grateful for. Chances are, there’s a lot that she does that you haven’t properly thanked her for.
5 minutes per day (35 minutes per week): Physical affection, especially before bed. Even if you’re not “a cuddler,” there are known (and well-documented) benefits of cuddling with the person you love. Use those benefits to bring you closer together!
2 hours per week: Make a regular, recurring date. This can be any of the ideas we’ve outlined so far, or something else entirely. Just make sure you’re spending dedicated time together every single week.
1 hour per week: Have a weekly recap session, discussing the things that went well as well as the things that didn’t. Ask your girlfriend what you can do to make her happier, and offer her suggestions that would make you happier, too.

Halloween Date Ideas For You And Your Girl

Its Halloween, which means time for pumpkins, trick or treating and getting cosy with your girlfriend. Here are a few date ideas to get you both in the mood for some festive lovin.

They called it pumpkin love…

Carve your pumpkins together and get an extra pumpkin to make soup with. A hot bowl of pumpkin soup will get both of you toasty, and you can even have a competition as to whose is the best design. If you fight too much over it, though, guarantee that sparks will fly. Either way, this idea is sure to bring out both your creative and competitive sides.

Scary movie night

This one might be a classic, but it works every time. A cold october night, a scary movie marathon and the love of your life. Make yourselves some popcorn and hot chocolate, curl up under a forte blanket and watch your favourite horrors. Lots of cuddles are ensured when either of you gets scared. This date is a winner.

Star gazing

A less Halloween idea and more of an October one. Here comes a time of year when nights are cool, but both crisp and clear at the same time. Find a particularly clear one, get your blanket and lay under the stars. It’s cosy, cheap and so romantic. You can even have a picnic under the stars and add candles for effect, if you were that way inclined.

Theme your room

Whether you’re moving house, have recently moved or just don’t mind a change of scenery for a while. Get creative together and decorate your room. It could be your bedroom, or even your kitchen, but whichever room you pick make sure you decorate together. Half the fun is in the ideas and choosing what it’s going to look like.

Trick or treating

This is an old school idea, and many would say childish. However, it is one of the more fun options. You get to dress up, and could even go as far as to go dressed in couples Halloween costumes. Ideas are plenty with what you can do, and at the end of the night you get to eat loads of sweets whilst watching your favourite movies.

Whatever you’re doing this Halloween, single or together, make it a great one. Dress up, go out, stay in, have fun and make it a treat.

10 Signs Your Girlfriend Is The One

In a world filled with dating game shows, hugely popular love songs, and more romantic comedies than you can shake a stick at, it seems like people love looking for “the one.” Yet, somehow, most people have a hard time figuring out who their “one” really is.

It’s a little sad, actually – whether you believe in the idea of “soul mates” or not, you’ve probably looked for yours. In fact, I think most people who don’t believe in soul mates are just guarding themselves from the possibility that they might not find that person.

This is just my opinion, of course, and I’m the type of person who believes that you can have multiple soul mates, at different points in your lives. What do I know, anyway?

Regardless of how you feel about the search for “the one,” here are 10 surefire signs that you’ve found her. Now, marry that woman (if same-sex marriage is legal in your area and you believe in marriage, of course), pronto!

1. You don’t have to hide who you are.

Sure, a good girlfriend is going to compliment you when you look nice, or when you’ve accomplished something. But “the one” is on another level. She doesn’t care what you look like, or how long it’s been since you’ve showered (but she might give you a gentle reminder if it’s been more than a couple of days). You’re comfortable together, because she loves you through all of your imperfections.

2. You have similar goals.

Do you and your girlfriend have a basic plan for what you want out of life? Most people have at least some idea, at least for the big things. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Do you have compatible political views? These things are so much bigger than where you want to travel or what job you want to have in 10 years.

3. You don’t “fight” – you talk things out.

Technically, talking through things is still fighting, but it’s fighting fair, and that’s what’s important. You take comfort in knowing that you can calmly work through things, and a minor disagreement isn’t going to be the end of the relationship. (Besides, you still get to have the make-up sex anyway.)

4. You feel lucky to have each other.

If you both feel like you’re the luckiest person on the planet, you sort of are. Your partner should totally support, respect, and appreciate you, and you should be able to offer her the same in return. You freely share gratitude towards each other, which makes you feel even luckier. You know that, at the end of the day, you get to come home to your best friend… And that’s something special.

5. You’re both committed to making the relationship work.

You aren’t going to see eye to eye on everything, but “the one” is going to be right there next to you trying to picture things from your perspective. The effort that’s needed to maintain the relationship doesn’t feel so much like “work” as it does like “an investment,” and you know that she’s going to help you get through whatever you’ve got going on.

6. The only thing you need for “a great date” is her.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to a 5-star hotel or a 2-star lesbian bar: Being with her is exciting. And it’s not because she finds all the hidden gems, it’s because she is the hidden gem. You’d be just as happy to sit in your living room floor with a bottle of wine, because her company is the greatest attraction of all.

7. Your friends and family like seeing you together.

Some people have friends and family who are happy when they’re dating anyone – regardless of whether or not the person is good for you. Other friends and family members might automatically hate anyone who takes the attention away from them. But if the people closest to you, whose opinions you trust and value, think she’s good for you… She probably is.

8. Yes, she loves you, but she does so much more than that.

Don’t get me wrong – love is super important. But it’s not the most important thing. When you find a partner who truly respects and supports you, someone who really makes you feel safe and confident, you know she’s something special. She should compliment your life in all the best ways, and thankfully, she does.

9. Your intuition says she’s the one.

If you think she’s the one, there’s probably a good reason for it. Most people are much better judges of character than we’d like to believe (even if we ignore those judgments sometimes). If your heart and your gut say she’s the one, your mind is probably telling you that, too.

10. She brings out the best in you.

It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about pushing you to be the best version of yourself. A good partner will accept you as you are, while a great partner will help remind you of what you can be. But again, it’s not about changing you – it’s about inspiring you to see the person you can become, and motivating you to become that person.

How To Keep Depression From Ruining Your Relationship

Depression can drain your relationship. But it doesn’t have to.

How can you have a healthy, happy relationship even on your darkest days?

Give your partner resources about depression.

When your girlfriend starts to research depression, the first Google search may scare her – she’ll stumble upon stories of artists who killed themselves, families torn apart by suicide, statistics about depression being incurable and a list of horrifying Zoloft side effects.

To keep her from getting, well, depressed, beat her to the punch and give her some resources. I suggest starting with some light materials such as Hyperbole and a Half. This comic does a better job of explaining depression than WebMD does.

Keep a journal.

You don’t have to write, “Dear Diary.” Use this journal as a scientific log to keep track of your moods. What triggers you? What makes you happy? What distracts you from your depression? When does your mood shift suddenly? The better data you take, the better you’ll be able to address and avoid your triggers.

Get professional help.

Medicine isn’t for everyone, but it’s for a lot of people. Depression has been seen as the artists’ disease, but it often stems from a chemical imbalance. Chemical imbalances aren’t as tragically romantic as Pablo Picasso wasting away during his Blue Period or Sylvia Plath sticking her head in an oven, but these imbalances can be managed with antidepressants.

If you’re anti-medicine, look into psychiatric resources in your area. If you’re a student, many of these resources are available on campus for free.

Get busy.

Throw yourself into your work or your studies or your extracurricular activities. Find what you’re passionate about and pursue it headfirst. Learn a language, pick up a sport, become a hip-hop head, start an a capella group. It doesn’t matter what you do, but find something to take your mind off of your depression for a few hours each day.

Hit the gym.

Exercise releases endorphins that elevate your mood and lower your stress levels. Peel your girlfriend off the couch and turn gym time into a daily date. It will put you both in better moods.

Ask your partner to be honest.

Sometimes, depression makes people hypersensitive – one negative remark, and you crumble. So this next step will be hard. However, you need to ask your partner to be gently but brutally honest.

When you’re being a jerk, they should tell you. When you’re being insensitive, or when you’re embarrassing yourself, or when you’re blowing things out of proportion, they should tell you. When they’re exasperated and tired of dealing with your depression, they should tell you. It will be hard for you to hear, but it will help you to know where you should most improve.

Be gentle with yourself.

The road to recovery is long and you’ll want to beat yourself up. Often. But be gentle. Everyone has good days and bad days, and you’re a much better girlfriend than you think.

You are loved. On your darkest days, remember that you are loved.

10 Of The Biggest Lies People Tell On Their Online Dating Profiles

Most people tell at least a few white lies on their profile. (80%, to be more precise.) Sometimes, people fabricate the entire profile – avoid these people whenever you can. Here are the top 10 lies that plague the online dating world.

How many of these things have you lied about?

They probably don’t make as much money as they say they do.

According to Greg Hodge of beautifulpeople.com, the listed salary on someone’s profile may be inflated by as much as 40%. A study by OKCupid put the number closer to 20%, but that’s still a huge number of people lying about their financial situation. It’s generally considered better to leave this one blank than to lie about it, though – do you really want to be with someone who only wants to be with you if you make 20-40% more money than you actually do?

They probably don’t have the job they said they did, either.

According to the Beautiful People survey, as many as 32% of women lie about what job they hold. (This is less than 42% of men who lie about it, though.) The strangest thing, to me, about this statistic, is that women downplay their job, to keep from intimidating a date with their intelligence. But do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value your intelligence?

They probably aren’t “athletic and toned.”

This is another one of those “mystery lies” – as in, it’s a mystery why anyone would lie about something that’s going to be super obvious once they meet face to face (or when someone flips through their pictures). It’s a safer bet to be honest, and understand that anyone who isn’t actually OK with your body type is a waste of your time anyway.

They lie about their lifestyle.

As many as 16% of people lie about their financial situation, according to the Beautiful People study. 5% lie about how well-traveled they are. 5% lie about what kind of car they drive. Thankfully, these lies generally happen in the long answer section, and they’re easy to pick out. Watch for a lack of “I” statements (i.e. “Love to travel,” as opposed to “I love to travel”) and super-short descriptions. Toma says, “Lying is cognitively taxing” and leaving out the “I” in their sentences helps them to distance themselves from the things they’re lying about.

They’re shorter than they say they are.

As someone who’s always been attracted to shorter women, it baffles me that people would lie about this. In fact, a study by OKCupid says that shorter women are, in general, more likely to get attention, so it’s best to just tell the truth on this one.

They lie about what they’re into.

I know we’ve all seen the “lesbians” on online dating profiles who already have husbands they’re “faithfully devoted to,” but the lies actually go a lot further than that. According to Toma, users take advantage of the ambiguity surrounding their hobbies and interests. If someone says they’re into “sports,” for example, there’s usually no mention of whether they mean playing or watching – or how long ago they last participated in their “hobbies.”

They’re probably heavier than they say they are.

Since our weight tends to change from day to day – and, to be fair, even within the same day – it’s unreasonable to expect someone’s weight to be exactly what their driver’s license or dating profile says. However, most women subtract (an average of) 8.5 pounds, or almost 4 kg, from their weight when making their profiles, according to Catalina Toma, PhD.

They lie about who they know.

If someone is name-dropping a celebrity in their profile, it’s probably a lie. Hodge says, “We’re in a celebrity-driven culture,” so people equate name-dropping with a person’s status. Also watch out for photo-op-shots, because most of the time, it was a one-time thing – a photo of someone standing next to Lady Gaga probably happened at a concert, not at Gaga’s private birthday party.

They may be up to ten years older (or younger!) than their profile says.

According to a study by Beautiful People, about 17% of women lie about their age on their profile. Most women only go 1-2 years in either direction, while others “round down” to the nearest five-year mark. Some women even changed their date of birth by as much as ten years!

They lie about what they look like.

This is usually done through photos, which used to be considered solid facts – until technology took over our world. Now, it’s easy to manipulate a picture so that you’re not even recognizeable. Not to mention, it’s always been easy to just use a “bad photo” (with poor lighting or a low-quality camera), or to simply use an old photo. According to Toma, your profile photos should be no more than a year old, and you should feature one face shot, one body shot, and one shot of you doing something you actually enjoy.

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You’re Too Clingy. Here’s How to Let Go.

You dislike your girlfriend’s friends because they steal her from you. You resent your girlfriend for going to work, and often show up at her lunch break because you can’t stand being apart for more than two hours. You dread any time that she has to leave you to visit her family. Any Saturday night that isn’t spent with your girlfriend is a night wasted.

If any of those scenarios sound familiar, you might be squeezing the air out of your relationship. You need to let go.

Dig deep.

Sometimes clinginess is rooted in relationship problems. Maybe you and your girlfriend have been fighting a lot lately, or maybe she’s been acting distant, or maybe you’ve lost the ability to communicate with each other – so in order to retain some sort of control, you hold her tighter.

Instead of being clingy, think about what the root problem might be, and directly address it.

Find friends.

It’s easy to be clingy when moving to a new city or college. You don’t know anyone, so your girlfriend is your rock. It’s easier to watch Netflix with her than navigate social situations with strangers, but your girlfriend can’t be there for you all of the time. She has friends of her own, and you should too.

Go to meet ups. Join clubs. Grab drinks with co-workers. Make friends on the Internet if you have to.

Check your passive-aggressiveness.

Being clingy doesn’t necessarily mean hanging out with your partner all the time. In fact, your form of clinginess might be avoiding your partner; whenever you feel like she isn’t spending enough time with you, you become distant, withhold affection, hold grudges, and pick fights.

This behavior is destructive. If you truly feel like your girlfriend isn’t spending enough time with you, then talk to her and figure out a way that your interests can merge with hers.

Find out what you care about.

Your girlfriend is the center of your world. But she shouldn’t be. She should be important to you, but you can’t revolve your life around her, so direct your passions toward something more sustainable. If you’re interested in child poverty, volunteer. If you’ve always wanted to code, make a CodeAcademy account. If you want to make more art, buy a notebook.

Treat your mental health problems.

Clinginess may be rooted in mental health problems. For example, depression may cause you to lose interest in everything except your girlfriend, so you’ll cling to her just to stay sane. Maybe you hold her so tightly because you’re anxious that something bad will happen if you look away. If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you may naturally gravitate toward unhealthy relationships and behaviors.

Begin with self-care. If possible, visit a therapist, or at least a trusted friend, to talk through your thoughts.

The road to emotional independence is slippery, and it’s hard to know when your affections are overbearing. But learning to let go is the start to a happy and healthy relationship.

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How to Get Over the Love of Your Life

She’s not quite the one who got away. In fact, you never dated. Still, you’re hooked on her like candy – it’s bad for you, but it’s oh so tempting. You might even be in love.

You know that you need to get over that girl once and for all. So how do you do that?

Keep the photos.

Your first instinct might be to throw away every photo you have of her, wipe your hard drive clean and banish her from your sight. This might sound counterintuitive, but don’t do that.

Healing is a process, and some days you will need to look at photos and rewatch old videos in order to get over her. If you rip the Band-Aid off too quickly, you’ll relapse – then the next time you want to look at photos, you’ll go her Facebook page, and soon you’ll message her, and soon you’ll be crying again.

Process, but don’t over process.

If your friends roll your eyes whenever you bring up that girl, then take the hint that you’ve processed enough.

Instead of casually bringing her up in conversation, schedule an appointment to discuss her with your friends – a predetermined block of time that you can’t exceed. Every time you feel the urge to discuss her, you’ll have to schedule a new appointment. This will discourage you from thinking about her unless you absolutely have to.

Delete her contact info…sort of.

Give her contact information to a trusted friend – a friend who has your best interests at heart, not one who will instigate drama or text that girl behind your back. If you don’t have her contact information, then you can’t drunk dial, drunk text, drunk Snapchat, drunk Tweet or drunk email that girl, but you’ll have peace of mind knowing that her number is on hand if you ever need it again.

Start dating again.

I know you don’t want to, because you think that girl is The One, but you need find new people to obsess over – or to have a healthy romantic relationship with. Get a tinder account, download Her, sign up for Farmers Only, create a JDate, or finally ask out the cute girl in your chem lab. Just get back on the scene.

Forgive yourself.

You’re probably beating yourself up for the 100th time about what you could have done differently. If you’d just done one thing differently, maybe you and that girl would be flying off into the sunset together right now. That’s not true. Let the past go.

You might be beating yourself up because you can’t let it go; you know your crush is irrational, so you hate yourself for being hooked on that girl. Forgive yourself for that too. These type of feelings happen to everyone, and it doesn’t make you crazy or weak – it makes you someone with emotions. You have to accept this before you can move forward.

So get back on the playing field. Delete your wedding Pinterest board and meet some new people. This time tomorrow, you could be sipping wine with your new crush.

6 Ways To Show Someone You REALLY Care

I’ve probably said it a thousand times so far in my life, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more before the fad dies out: I love social media. It offers you a simple, efficient way to keep in touch with the people you care about, without having to leave the house and do the whole people-ing thing. Since I now live at least a 3-hour drive away from almost everyone who means anything to me, social media offers me a way to be there without being there.

But, for all the wonderful things social media does for us, it can’t do everything. As it stands, the technology just isn’t there to replicate real human behavior. After all, most people’s social media posts are carefully screened before posting, to provide exactly the sort of image they want to provide to onlookers. We notice these differences when they’re people we see all the time, but for some reason, we forget when it’s people we don’t see often.

The old-school-rules for social interaction still apply, and the best way to show someone you’re there for them is still actually being there for them. If you want to make sure social media isn’t the full extent of your social behavior, here are 6 ways you can show someone you actually care about them. (But you should still probably like that selfie anyway… Just in case.)

1. Surprise your friends and loved ones with a visit.

All too often, we get so wrapped up in our day-to-day lives that we forget to make time for the people we care the most about. (I’m really, really bad about this… My girlfriend threatens to hide my laptop when we travel.) Of course, social media isn’t the only factor involved here, but checking in with your friends and family on Facebook or Instagram might give you a false sense of closeness. Remember: The virtual world isn’t “really there.”

Showing up to see someone, however, shows that you actually do care – enough to take time out of your busy (or antisocial) schedule and drop by. While your friend who works from home might not like the “surprise” part of this (we freelancers really are a fickle bunch), but if your loved ones have a consistent schedule and you can swing by for a few minutes, I’m sure it’ll make their day. (Assuming, of course, that they consider you a loved one, too.)

2. Call instead of texting.

As easy as texting is (and as much as the radiation from cell phones is probably bad for you), calling is still a lot more intimate than texting. Think about it: How many times have you texted “lol” with a totally straight face? It’s not like that on the phone. We’re more likely to actually laugh when we hear someone else’s voice. I think it’s something about internal monologues (aka that voice in your head that reads things for you) versus actual dialogue… But I’m not a scientist.

This is definitely something some people are better at than others. My girlfriend can have a totally succinct, totally meaningful phone conversation every single day. I, on the other hand, need at least 3 days’ notice before I use an automated phone system, and even longer if I actually need to talk to a person. Still, even those of us who “hate talking on the phone” generally feel happy when we hear the voice of someone we care about. (Even if it’s in a message on our voicemail.)

3. Kidnap them.

I’m not talking about something super creepy where you throw them in the trunk and feed them bits of bread and water for days. No, I’m talking about kidnapping your friends for an impromptu road trip. There’s something confusingly magical about being stuck in a cramped space with people who mean a lot to you… It should be totally horrible, but for some strange reason, it’s not.

Anyone can send a card or a letter, or buy an awesome birthday present that we happened to get for an incredible bargain. But how many times in your life have you taken an unforgettable adventure? Now, when’s the last time you did it with your squad? If you can’t remember, you’re probably overdue.

4. Give them your attention.

We’ve become a society fixated on getting more done in less time. I’m definitely guilty of this one, as a look into my planner will soon show you. But, realistically, multi-tasking is a total waste of time, because you’re splitting your already-limited attention in multiple directions. It’s taken me a long time to break this habit, but trust me on this one: Multi-tasking is a lie. When you try to multi-task, you’re really not even single-tasking. You’re half-tasking, at best.

When you’re spending time with people, it’s the same thing. Put the smartphone away and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Angry Birds and Instagram can definitely wait until you’re not doing anything else. Your friends are here now, and who knows when you’re going to see them next?

5. Tell them you love them.

When’s the last time you said “I love you” to someone other than your significant other? Most likely, it’s been far too long, and it was brought on by a rough time – either yours, that they helped you through, or theirs, that you helped them through. It’s sort of messed up, if you think about it – somewhere along the way, we’re conditioned to think that romantic love is the only love that matters.

It’s always been really hard for me to tell people I loved them, whether they were people in my family, my friend circle, or even the people sharing my bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the love – it was because I was taught that infinite love is weak. It’s not weak. In fact, loving yourself and others is one of the strongest things you can do. (And, if you’re feeling it, you should say it, just to make sure they know.)

6. Be their offline support system.

A supportive Facebook post or Instagram hashtag can be a nice way to acknowledge that you’ve noticed your friend going through a rough time. Sometimes, you really just need someone to show up and give you a hug. If you’re close enough to be a physical presence in someone’s life, and you know they’re going through a rough time (or even just suspect it), you should be willing to go see them and show them how much you really care.

It can be really awkward to be around someone who’s going through something rough, and that might make you want to shy away from the idea. But that’s exactly why it means so much when someone comes to cheer you up when you’re down. The willingness to just be in the presence of one another leads to the greatest feelings of love that friends can share – and is your schedule really so full that you can’t make your friends feel loved?

Seven Perfect Ways to Propose

It’s almost the holiday season, and love is in the air!

You’ve been dating your girlfriend for a while, and you’re absolutely sure that she’s the one. All that’s left is to pop the question.

Treasure Hunt

Take her to the spot where you first met, and guide her step by step on a treasure hunt for items based on your memories together. For example, bury a copy of the first letter you ever left on her doorstep, or hide a box of your favorite photographs.

For the last step of the treasure hunt, lead her somewhere where all of your friends and family are waiting. Then get down on one knee.

Surprise Proposal – Lesbian

Musical Number

Using her favorite song, a song that has a lot of significance to your relationship, or an original composition, create a musical slideshow of photographs.

In the final photo, ask her to be your wife.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFKx2It3gFw

Best same sex proposal !!! (warning will make you cry)

Graduation Day

Graduation isn’t just about finishing college, it’s also about starting a new life, and graduation proposals are becoming increasingly popular. With the permission from the party organizers, plan a graduation party proposal that your girlfriend will remember – present her with a ring as her friends and family members cheer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP_JDU2Wm08

Commencement and emotional (Lesbian) Proposal 2015

Love Languages

Compose a song, poem or story for your girlfriend, incorporating inside jokes or words that only you two understand. Similarly, if you’ve traveled the world together or if you each come from different cultures, incorporate words, phrases and idioms from different languages. After all, is one language really enough to express how much you love her?

Lesbians Travel World: The Big Marriage Proposal in the Philippines

High on Love

Push her out of a plane. Not maliciously – do it during a skydiving trip. While you’re both twirling through the clouds, your friends will write “Will you marry me?” on the ground in large cutout letters so that your girlfriend can read it from the sky. When she lands, the question will knock her off her feet again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVoPrcalH40

Lesbian Marriage Proposal – Andie & Lucy 10-18-14

Rose Ceremony

Different colors of the same flower have different meanings. For example, pink roses mean gratitude while lavender roses signify enchantment.

Arrange an intimate rose ceremony with your closest friends and family. Each guest will read the meaning of the flower – “A pink rose for the gratitude your girlfriend feels for having you in her life” – and then hand it to your girlfriend. At the end of the ceremony, she’ll have a bouquet of roses, a heart full of love and a girlfriend who’s dropping down to one knee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYOOvhpnACg

Kisha’s Surprise Proposal (The Lesbian Edition)

BONUS: The couple in this video isn’t lesbian, but it’s still a wonderful idea.

If your girlfriend is a Disney enthusiast or a musical theatre nerd, enlist her friends to dress up as her favorite characters and sing. How can your girlfriend say no to a soulful rendition of “Kiss the Girl”?

A Disney Surprise Proposal (Stephanie and Casey)

9 Things That Make A Relationship ‘Healthy’

We talk a lot about how to have a healthy relationship here – but have you ever wished you had a handy checklist to see if your relationship passes the test? Even the most confident among us wouldn’t mind a reminder from time to time, and evaluating where you stand helps give you a roadmap to where you want to stand. This reflection also prompts you to celebrate and show gratitude for the things you’ve already got going for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s an important step in understanding your own personal truths.

We’ve gathered up 9 qualifiers for a “healthy relationship,” in no particular order. How many are already present in your life – and how many do you still need to work on?

1. You communicate purposefully.

It’s not about “letting thing slip out” versus keeping them to yourself – it’s about making a conscious effort to talk about what’s right and what’s wrong, in your relationships as well as your life as a whole. Your partner is there to support you through the good and the bad, so make sure you’re opening up to her. You make sure your words are supported by your body language, too, because you know that’s just as important.

Purposeful communication means that you aren’t shying away from the awkward or uncomfortable subjects. You’re talking about your relationship from the standpoint of trying to save it – so you’re going to talk about the things that need to change, and the things that need to stay exactly the same. Of course, you take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but you know that doesn’t mean denying your own.

But you’re communication isn’t all negative – it’s also heavy on the (sincere) compliments. Remember that we all need little reminders that things are OK, and your partner is no different. When she looks or smells nice, you tell her. When she’s opened your eyes to a situation you hadn’t considered, you thank her. When she doubts herself, you remind her how amazing she is. You make an effort to let her know that she is appreciated and loved, because she is.

2. Trust is implied.

You don’t feel the need to “ask for permission” before doing things – but you still check with her first. You trust each other’s discretion, and if something needs a quick answer, you’re both confident that your partner would make the same choice you’d make. If something needs clarification, you’re going to ask, because you know the answer is going to be the truth.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all – it’s a twisted manipulative game between two (or more) people. If the person you’re with doesn’t trust you, she’ll never be able to trust her own thoughts about you – regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. In fact, whether the mistrust is “insecurity” or “intuition” is really irrelevant. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you.

It’s important to explore those feelings of mistrust, but not as they pertain to your partner – rather, you should explore how they pertain to you. Does the mistrust come from something someone else did to you? Does it come from something you haven’t forgiven your partner for yet? Does it come from somewhere else entirely? Evaluate your feelings first, and then figure out how they fit into your relationship.

3. You have a selective-honesty policy.

Obviously, healthy relationships require honesty and trust – but that doesn’t mean that they need absolute honesty at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s better if you use a little honest discretion. That doesn’t mean covering your own tracks, but it does mean that you take the time to filter the information to keep your partner’s feelings intact. Does she really need to know that you can’t stand her mother, or can you suck it up for her happiness?

So, which topics do deserve full disclosure? Your own personal boundaries are going to come into play, but at a minimum, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, as well as your (romantic or sexual) feelings for others, unless she has specifically asked you not to. If you share financial responsibilities, you’ll need to be totally honest with that info, too. (Even if you don’t share finances, I recommend about 75% honesty – your partner may be willing and able to help you in certain situations.)

Everyone tells little white lies, though, so would it kill you to tell her she looks gorgeous when she has the flu? Probably not. She might not believe you, but it’ll probably make her smile (at least on the inside). And if you think her sister is annoying, definitely don’t be the one to bring it up. You never know what effects your words might have.

4. You have total respect for one another.

Respect is one of the bare minimums for a healthy relationship – whether romantic or not. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it’s almost impossible to do that with someone you don’t respect. If you can’t muster up the minimum of respect for your partner – or if she can’t show respect toward you – you need to move on before things get seriously ugly.

Respect for another person doesn’t always mean that you agree with everything they do and say. In fact, most people you respect will have ways that they disappoint you. But respect is the difference between embracing that difference of opinions, as opposed to blowing up and causing a scene. A relationship that’s lacking in respect is simply an “arrangement.”

Respecting your partner also entails appreciation, and you respect her by acknowledging the things she does for you (without making a big scene if she forgets to say “thank you” every now and then). We all have off-days, but rest assured that one bad mood doesn’t mean she’s suddenly lost her respect for you.

5. You generally make each other happy.

Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t be an emotional roller coaster. The trust and respect you have for each other should make you happy, at least most of the time. You’re going to have your bad days, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make you sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

What ratio of “good vs. bad” is right for you? Well, there’s no precise answer here. Relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and only you can decide how much of each you can handle. But a relationship that makes you sad, uncomfortable, or angry more often than it makes you happy is bad news.

You’re allowed to be annoyed with each other. It’s inevitable, actually, especially if you decide to live together. That doesn’t mean that your happiness is over – as long as you’re willing to talk through it and get back on the right path.

6. You have days where you can’t stand each other.

Every now and then, those rough days are going to be extra rough – especially if you’re cramped in the same small room for most of your free time. It’s completely normal to have days where you just want to be alone, and space doesn’t necessarily mean a break-up is on the horizon.

These rough patches may stretch on for days, weeks, or even months. They don’t happen all the time, though, and even if you mentally make a pros-and-cons list, you don’t want to leave long-term. Maybe for a day or two, but only so you can get your head on straight and work through the problems.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is give each other some space. There’s a romanticized idea about living your life together and not needing anyone else, but that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, people get on each other’s nerves – even if they’re completely in love with each other.

7. You’re comfortable doing your own thing.

While there are some people (ahem: film directors) who think that instant, immersive love is the most romantic kind… It’s not the most sustainable kind. Once you get past those initial butterflies and the corresponding lust, you’re going to mellow out and go back to doing your own thing. You have your own friends, and your own hobbies – you’re not attached at the hip.

One of the most important things about having a healthy relationship is that the rest of your relationships need to be healthy, too. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stress-inducing to spend time away from each other. In fact, it should be uncomfortable if you don’t spend time away from each other sometimes. (And, if it’s not uncomfortable to you, it’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable for your partner.)

It’s so important to remember your individuality when you’re in a relationship. You’re not suddenly a half a person, just because you have a girlfriend. You’re the same whole person you were when you didn’t have her – but now you have someone to come home and tell your stories to. If you never do your own thing, you’ll never have your own stories.

8. You don’t shy away from confrontation.

Although fights can be uncomfortable, they show that you are passionate and invested when it comes to the relationship. You’re not going to let your partner walk all over you. That doesn’t mean you’re nagging about every little thing – it just means that you’re ready to stick up for yourself, and for your own happiness.

Aside from giving you an outlet to vent your frustrations, confronting a problem is the first step in fixing it – and when things have been bothering you for a while, you’ll wish you talked them out before you started to boil. Talking through the tough issues is one of the easiest ways to get around a problem.

Now, what happens if all you do is fight and argue? Of course, that’s not a good sign either, and if you feel like you’re fighting more than you can handle, you’re allowed to say so. Even the strongest love in the world isn’t worth the pain and agony of constant bickering.

9. You have boundaries, and you enforce them.

“We culture” is highly romanticized – but it’s important to remember that romanticized things are rarely actually romantic. That’s definitely true of giving up your autonomy, too. You are allowed (and encouraged) to set your own boundaries, and to regularly define them with your partner. It’s not healthy to put all of yourself into a relationship, and letting your partner know the things you won’t stand for gets rid of any confusion from the start.

Your boundaries might seem unloving, uncaring, or unsympathetic, but sometimes (read: “usually”) it’s important to think of yourself first. We’re a culture that’s been conditioned to think that other people’s opinions of us are the most important thing, but they’re not. We are our own “most important thing,” and the things that other people say don’t have to be a factor at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust or respect her. It just means that you respect and love yourself enough to know what you can’t handle, versus what you can – and you’re brave enough to draw that line in the sand. Now stick to it!

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3 Secrets About Attraction

Love and attraction might just be the most complex of all human emotions. It’s hard enough to understand your own attractions, but once you start trying to analyze other people’s… All bets are off. There are so many different opinions on the subject, just an hour of advice-article-searching can turn up dozens of tips. Do you play hard-to-get? Do you lay it all out on the table? Who has time to keep it all straight?

Well, scientists, apparently.

Turns out there have been studies done to help understand the rules of attraction a little better. While there are still a lot of mysteries to dig through, one thing’s for sure: Attraction is definitely a science and not an art.

Secret #1: Premarital sex is in our nature.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about just the LGBT community… I’m talking about humans as a species. A total of 34,909 American women (and 4,298 men) were polled through the National Survey of Family Growth, or NSFG. This survey asks questions about contraceptive, marital, childbearing, and sexual behaviors, and while it doesn’t explicitly ask about premarital sex, individual survey responses can be used to determine whether the person had premarital sex or not.

In a previous version of the study’s analysis had indicated that 85% of married, divorced, and widowed American women had sex before they were first married. After the 2002 results were added, Dr. Lawrence B. Finer, PhD, decided to analyze whether never-married women were just as likely to have premarital sex, and he found that they definitely were.

To read more about this study, check out the synopsis here.

Secret #2: Physical attractiveness is distracting.

I know, I know: We all knew this already. But did you know it’s actually been proven? In a study published in January 2016, scientists decided to have participants try a mentally-challenging task. The subjects were told to ignore the unrelated faces they were shown – but when an “attractive face” appeared, the participants weren’t able to focus on the task they were given.

The specifics of attraction are bound to vary from one person to the next, but their physical appearance is the thing that catches our eyes. From this information, the scientists gathered a selection of images. Half of the photos were digitally manipulated to be more conventionally attractive, while the other half was manipulated to be less attractive. They even analyzed eye tracking to see if the participants were looking at the parts of the photographs that had been retouched – and, in many cases, they were.

Although the study used all heterosexual-identified female participants, it’s still interesting to see how this information translates in the context of their experiment. If you’d like to read more about this particular study, check it out here.

Secret #3: Your voice changes when you talk to someone you find attractive.

Aside from the physical, many people are attracted to the sound of someone’s voice, and your voice will go lower when you’re talking to that person. (Interestingly enough, when you talk about something you’re excited about, your voice goes up – it’d be interesting to see how those details balance out when you talk to your crush about your hobbies…)

OK, so the voice change that happens when you talk to someone is basically common knowledge. Anyone who’s spent any time watching their friends flirt could probably figure this one out on their own, right? But, according to a November 2014 study, that new, lower-pitched voice is perceived as more attractive than the non-altered voice, consistently, by an unrelated third party.

The entire study is pretty interesting, actually, especially if you’re interested in the science of sound (I am). If you don’t feel like reading the summary, just know: Other people can tell when you use your “sexy voice,” and it’s probably working, too.

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18 ‘Subtle’ Ways She Tells You She’s Queer (Video)

What do you do if you are at a party and there is this woman you are really attracted to. You find her drop dead gorgeous, and you’re probably wondering if you have a shot. But how do you let her know you’re queer?

While the best way is to probably be direct, you sometimes just need to drop a subtle hint or too.

12 Signs That Your Relationship is Perfect the Way It Is

Have you been having doubts about how good your relationship really is? It might seem like you’re near the end of your rope, but in most cases, it’s normal to have some doubts. Why do you think so many people get “cold feet” on their wedding days? Humans are full of anxiety and FOMO and self-doubt. It sucks, but it’s in our nature.

If you want to see if your doubts are really something to be concerned about, read through our list of 12 good signs in your relationship. As long as your relationship has most of these things, you’re probably not so bad for each other.

You feel like you deserve each other.

You are worthy of everything you agree to – whether that’s good or bad. If you feel like you and your partner deserve to be in each other’s lives, chances are good that you do (in one way or another). That’s not necessarily a good thing, but when it goes hand-in-hand with other, more wonderful-on-their-own things, it’s an incredible feeling.

This one can be really hard for people who have been treated less-than-human by previous partners, but it’s true: You deserve the love, romance, and sex that you want in life. Even if you’ve never had it before. Even if you’ve had it in every relationship you’ve had. No matter what, you deserve to have the things you want.

If you don’t feel like you deserve each other, things might be a little more complicated. Doubts are self-fulfilling prophecies, if left alone, but confidence can be, too. Make sure you’re putting the right positive attention into your relationship, and don’t worry about whether other people think you’re good enough for each other.

Life, in general, is good.

We tend to overlook the ways that the areas of our lives intersect, but for some reason, when you’re happier in one area of your life, you’re happier in the other areas of your life, too. Practicing gratitude and showing appreciation for the things that others do for you can help. The happiest people are also able to give to others, without expecting anything in return.

When you’re happy with the rest of your life, you can really see whether your partner complements that happy life or not. After all, if your entire life is a mystery or a disaster, how do you know if your partner is still going to be right for you once you get your life together?

All too often, people think that an amazing relationship can fix a sad life. It can’t. In fact, negative thinking has a way of working its way into seemingly unrelated areas of our lives. First, worry about your own happiness and positivity – and then figure out how someone else fits into the equation.

You are equal partners.

Equality is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy relationship, and couples who don’t treat each other like teammates aren’t setting themselves up for happiness. Unequal relationships result in resentment, romantic friction, and hurt feelings all around. The happiest couples are the ones who learn how to share responsibility, love, and effort equally.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is split 50-50, though – even though it might sound like it is. Everyone has a particular dynamic that works better for them. In my relationship, I work more and my partner cleans more, and that works for us – but you’ll need to find an arrangement that works for you.

Being equal partners means respecting each other’s opinions, even when they don’t make sense to you. What would you want her to do if the situation was reversed? She’s not your child, and she’s not your parent. She’s your partner. Your teammate. Your lover. Treat her accordingly!

You learn new things together on a regular basis.

Curiosity is one of the purest joys in life, and the ability to take in new information is coded into our pleasure center. (Probably. I’ve never actually seen a study about this, but I know I feel happy when I learn something new.) It sounds cheesy, but knowledge really is power, and people with a love for learning are naturally happier.

But what if you don’t have a passion for learning new things? The idea of taking a class “for fun” doesn’t really sound appealing to most of us. Rest assured, though, your “learning” doesn’t have to be anything formal – even a weekly YouTube tutorial counts as “learning.” And, if you’re doing it with someone you love, it kinda feels more like a date, doesn’t it?

Learning something that you’re really interested in, and learning it with someone you’re really interested in, gives you an excuse to practice and study – and it helps you retain the information better, because you’re more engaged. Why not take a leap and try learning something new?

You take your health (and hers) seriously.

Your health is super important, but most of us don’t give it the attention it deserves. Healthy food isn’t that good, and good food isn’t that healthy, am I right? Of course, health is about more than what you eat – working out (which is a drag for many people – myself included), your sexual health, and your mental health are all super important, too.

No matter where you’re at in your personal health journey, you owe it to yourselves to talk about your goals with each other. It helps give you someone to stay accountable to, no matter how uncomfortable that accountability might be for you. It gives you someone to cheer you on when things get rough, and it gives you someone to reach for your goals right with you (if your goals are similar, that is.)

You don’t need to be marathon runners or professional athletes. You don’t need to become psychological professionals. You don’t need your own personal nutritionist or a personal trainer or even a scale, if you don’t want. Just set some achievable goals, and work together to make them happen.

You both strive to be the best versions of yourself.

I firmly believe that we’re all good people, somewhere on the inside. We all want to be good people, and we’ll generally do whatever we can to be that person. We’re human, though, so we screw it up sometimes.

That doesn’t mean we stop trying, though – healthy relationships mean that we own up to our mistakes and work toward improving things. You and your partner should understand the idea of forgiveness, and understand the difference between “a mistake” and a “bad habit.”

This desire to better yourself shouldn’t stop with just your relationship, though – life requires constant change, and if you’re not trying to be a better person, you’re settling for less than you deserve. The happiest partners don’t neglect the other areas in their lives – they just motivate each other to be the most balanced, amazing people they can possibly be.

She’s not your sun and sky.

Most romantic movies shove the idea of “immersive love” down our throats. Real love doesn’t work like that, though – once the initial infatuation falls away, it becomes clear that she’s really not everything. You did fine before her, and you will go on without her if you need to. She should complement your life, not complete it.

It’s unhealthy to invest everything you have into a single thing, whether that’s a person, a job, or even a passion you have. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and tomorrow isn’t promised – but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the time you do have. Happy couples aren’t fixated on “quality time” or “future plans,” as important as those things are, because they know that the little things are sometimes secretly the big things.

On the rough days, it might seem like she’s your whole world. But once the good times come back around (and they will), you’ll remember that you are your own world – she just happens to make it a little better.

You find each other attractive.

It might seem really, really shallow, but you need to find your partner attractive. Trust me. It makes a difference. It definitely shouldn’t be the only reason you’re together, but if you don’t think she looks good, the rest of the things that go along with a happy relationship are going to be a lot harder. (I swear, I know how this sounds, but it’s actually science.)

Does that mean that you have to be dressed up for each other every day? No. Does it mean that they have to love every outfit you own? Absolutely not. But a happy relationship revolves around attraction on a physical and emotional level. If it’s not there, the relationship isn’t, either.

It’s also important that you see your own beauty, because your self-image is so important to your overall confidence. If you’re not confident, you’re not happy – and we’re aiming for happy here, right? We all struggle some days, and having a partner who thinks you’re sexy however you are today can definitely ease the pain of a bad hair day.

Money isn’t really that big of a deal.

Most people give money more attention than it really deserves. (I’d like to pretend I’ve never fallen into that trap, but I have – so, so many times.) It’s hard to remember that money is really such a small portion of our lives, especially when we’re struggling to make ends meet… But, in the grand scheme of things, money really is just money.

Don’t get me wrong – paying your bills is important, and if you’re not able to do that, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on your life. Especially if you’re also trying hard to make a less-than-great relationship work out, too. But I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a better time fixing the issue if you focus on one. Is money really that important now? It probably never was.

When finances start to cause tension in the relationship, it might be tempting to fight and argue about it – but that’s not going to fix your problems. Take some time to calm down, and cut back in as many non-essential places as you can stand to. Then, you can approach the issue with less stress and a more level head. Your chances for a resolution are much better that way.

You’re stable, or at least working towards stability.

Life is a roller coaster, but your relationship shouldn’t be. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, at least most of the time. That happiness doesn’t need to be an exciting fantasy every single day – it really is ok to take it slow sometimes.

“Comfortable” doesn’t have to mean “boring,” and the happiest couples know how to appreciate the comforts that their relationships offer. It’s not a yelling match or an all-day sex-fest. It’s a relationship, and that means that things can be a bit dull sometimes.

Just remember: Even celebrities have low-key, laid-back days sometimes. Do you think your life is more exciting than Ruby Rose’s life? I don’t think so.

The idea of abuse and manipulation are out of the question.

I’d like to think that everyone has a built-in filter that says that emotional, sexual, and physical abuse aren’t okay. Unfortunately, that’s not true – there are some people out there who think that’s all there is. People in abusive relationships might think that sticking around just shows how much they care, but it’s necessary that you care about yourself, first and foremost. You deserve so much better, and the right partner for you agrees.

No one deserves to be treated like they’re nothing. It doesn’t matter what you’ve ever done, or what you’ve ever thought about, or anything that could possibly make a difference here – abuse is abuse. A partner who truly cares about you would never say that something you did caused them to abuse you.

Let me say it one more time: There is no excuse for sexual, emotional, or physical violence within a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it was “provoked” – the right partner for you would never think it was okay to treat you that way.

You feel like it’s secretly perfect.

In the end, only you really know whether something is right for you or not – so how do you feel? Take some time to think about your relationship and how it affects your life. Does your partner bring you joy? Do you bring joy into her life, too? If you do, congratulations – your relationship is secretly amazing.

14 Signs You’re About to Get Dumped

I want to share a fun fact with you guys: I’ve been dumped a lot more times than I’ve dumped someone else. In some ways, it’s by choice – breaking up with someone is really, really hard for a people-pleaser. (I’m working on that, but that’s another story entirely.) But, unfortunately for my poor heart, I wasn’t pushing for it every time – some of those times, I was taken by surprise when whoever I was dating at the time used my own tricks against me.

(Yes, this list can also serve as a how-to article for getting someone else to break up with you, but I’ve got to advise you to not use it that way.)

In time, I stopped using my own little tricks, and learned how to break up with someone the way I wished someone else would have the decency to do to me. In some ways, it was good that I got to go through those things – it helped teach me what type of behavior to address in future relationships (if I actually wanted to work them out) and helped me see things coming ahead of time, to better prepare myself.

Now, what are those signs, and how should you handle them? Throughout all the breakups I’ve been through, here are 14 signs that are usually present before it happened. Keep in mind that none of these signs is absolutely true in all occasions – if your relationship only shows a couple, you can probably talk your way through them. Everyone has rough days sometimes. But if you keep noticing more and more, it might be a good idea to let go now – before things get worse for you.

Sign #1: She doesn’t seem to have any time for you anymore.

One of the easiest things to do when you aren’t really feeling it anymore is to simply take a step back – and that’s what many women do. If your girlfriend always has a reason why she can’t be with you, there’s a chance she no longer considers you a priority.

Sign #2: She’s slowly making herself less available to you.

It’s not always a complete disconnect – usually, the physical distance is gradual. It starts with a few flaky plans or noncommittal answers. It may be accidental, though, so make sure you talk to her about it before you assume the worst.

Sign #3: Even when she is there, she’s not really.

Even as she starts to pull her attention away from you, she’s likely to spend time with you, at least occasionally, to keep up appearances and go through the motions. But if it feels like she’s simply going through the motions, she probably is – don’t make excuses for being ignored.

Sign #4: You feel weird or off about spending time together.

Particularly if you’re used to dating people who aren’t really true about their intentions, it can be easy to read too much into your intuition. Realistically, though, your intuition is there to serve as a warning of a potential danger – it shouldn’t be completely ignored. At a minimum, you should be discussing your concerns with your partner.

Sign #5: Your dates become less special.

In the start of the relationship, it’s all flowers and fancy restaurants – but now you’re lucky if you go through the drive-through once a month. (Together, that is.) Not all dates need to be five-stars, but if there’s a marked lack of effort on her part, there’s a chance it’s intentional.

Sign #6: You only seem to go out in groups.

There’s a reason group dates work so well for new relationships: They help take the pressure off, by making quality time together nearly impossible. If the love (or lust) is still there, you might take off away from the crowd – but if she puts barriers in place to make sure it’s never just the two of you, take the hint. She doesn’t want it to be just the two of you.

Sign #7: She refuses to plan things with you ahead of time.

Whether it’s your sister’s wedding next year or a concert next month, she simply can’t commit to something that far ahead of time, and there’s a good reason: She’s not sure if you’ll still be together in that amount of time. Most of us have a general idea of what’s going on in our lives, and if it were something important for us, we’d make the time for it.

Sign #8: She won’t return your calls or texts.

Of course, you’ve got to use a little discretion here – there’s a huge difference between not texting back because she’s doing something super important and not texting back ever. If she cares about you, she’ll make a point to text you back when the timing is better for her, with a simplified reason why.

Sign #9: She starts using self-fulfilling break-up clichés.

Talk is cheap, but if you really listen to what your partner says, what is she really saying? Listen for things like “Maybe we’re just not right for each other,” “Maybe we’re just too different,” or “What if something happens between us?” You should also listen for blame-grabbing phrases such as “You can do better than me” as they mean basically the same thing as “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Sign #10: She never asks about your day.

Sometimes, we get too busy with life and forget to check in. But that’s not what this is. If your girlfriend always steers the conversation back towards herself, or if she acts like she doesn’t care about you… Believe her! Most people aren’t “acting” when they act self-centered.

Sign #11: She argues with you about everything.

Relationships are going to have disagreements – that’s a given. But pay attention to who brings up the concerns, and how frequently they happen. Does it seem like she has a criticism for everything you do and every opinion you have? Take note.

Sign #12: She gets defensive about your concerns.

If you try to have a civil discussion about your relationship needs that aren’t being fulfilled, how would your girlfriend react? If she denies, minimizes, or avoids acknowledging the things that are bothering you, she is trying to affirm that she’s the better person here – which means she’s not someone you need in your life.

Sign #13: She threatens to get violent with you.

First, let me say that a threat of violence doesn’t necessarily mean someone is planning to leave, but it does mean that you should get out of the relationship. However, in some cases, a partner may make threats (that she may or may not act on) in an effort to get you to leave her. In any case, it’s better to get out while the threat is still a threat and not a reality, if at all possible.

Sign #14: She says she’s not attracted to you anymore.

Physical attraction is one piece of the puzzle of love – but it’s a bigger piece than we give it credit for. The desire between you is undoubtedly going to go through phases, but the attraction should still remain. If she makes comments about your features that makes it clear she’s not attracted anymore – or worse, directly insults you – she’s probably doing it specifically to hurt you. Talk it through if you need to, but remember – your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. So, does she?

How To Come Out As Butch

Some people are supportive of lesbians – but only if they look a certain way. That “way” is usually thin, feminine, and unthreatening to gender binaries or to men.

If you feel more masculine – aka stud, butch, or masculine-of-center – then starting to express your masculinity can be more stressful than coming out in the first place.

Being butch means you’ll often be read as gay immediately. It means that people who initially supported your sexuality may be suddenly uncomfortable.

It means your friends and family may question who you are. How do you transition from feminine to butch smoothly?

1. Start small.

If you don’t feel comfortable changing your entire wardrobe overnight, then start with small changes. One day, wear a men’s button-up with women’s skinny jeans. Another day, wear a dress with a men’s snapback. Experiment with bow ties, men’s sweaters, suits, argyle socks, and trousers.

Not only will this allow people to acclimate to your new gender expression, but you’ll also be able to acclimate to their reactions. Over time, raised eyebrows won’t even faze you.

2. Find your style.

Men’s fashion is very diverse, so give yourself room to experiment. Although you may think you identify with a specific style – are you a dapper qt? or a hipster john? – that may change as you explore.

Read men’s fashion blogs. Read women’s menswear blogs. Shop at thrift stores. Order basic men’s pieces from Forever 21 and H&M so that you can mix and match. Browse international streetwear stores. Hit pop-up shops. Steal from your brother.

3. Be cool with your female days.

Just because you start to identify as butch, that doesn’t mean you have to present as butch all the time. Gender is nuanced and gender expression can be even more so.

Some days you might wake up wanting to wear a dress. That doesn’t make you a fake or a fraud; it’s just the way your body wants to express itself that day, so honor it.

4. Don’t be homophobic.

Some butch women won’t date butch women because it’s too “gay,” as if it would be like two men dating. Not only does that mentality insinuate that gay men should be ashamed, but it also heavily implies that gay female relationships are only okay as long as one partner is more feminine than the other.

Masculinity and femininity aren’t necessary for a relationship. So don’t react like a homophobic straight man when you see two butch people together, or when your feminine friend asks your opinion on another stud.

5. Don’t be a misogynist.

Similarly, it’s depressingly easy and common for butch women to internalize heteronormative anti-women attitudes. etc. A butch woman may call women weak, may be possessive or even abusive, may objectify women – and then excuse her behavior because she’ s a woman too. Being a woman isn’t a hall pass for problematic behavior.

6. Be yourself.

Expressing yourself as stud or butch can be confusing, but at the end of the day, it’s worth it if you’re being true to yourself. On difficult days, keep that in mind. Every struggle brings you closer to the person you were meant to be.

13 Signs Your Relationship is On the Right Track

Relationships are really, really hard work. Even when everything is going well, it’s still hard to keep your emotions in check sometimes. Things don’t really get any easier as you go, either – they just get a little more worth the effort.

Everyone has their own expectations of what makes a perfect relationship, but there are 13 signs that let you know that things are probably on the right track. Give yourself a pat on the back – you deserve it!

1. You can talk things out without fighting.

Every relationship has disagreements, but not all relationships can move through those disagreements. What makes the difference? Simply put, it’s whether you have the ability to talk about things without turning it into a battle or a competition.

2. You practice grace and forgiveness.

Two of the hardest-to-come-by virtues out there, grace and forgiveness give you peace with yourself and others. While we’re definitely not saying you should gloss over the big indiscretions, you need to accept that people make mistakes sometimes, and know how to move on from them.

3. You show each other love and kindness.

Most of us choose to identify as kind and loving – but we might forget to show it as much as we should. Happy relationships rely on love, affection, and a feeling of friendship between the partners. If you have that, you’re a lot closer than those who don’t.

4. You make each other laugh.

We’re all looking for someone who can make us laugh, but at some point we forget how important it is. I don’t think I personally know a single person who doesn’t list “a good sense of humor” as one of their main relationship priorities. Remember that the next time your girlfriend is annoying you with her cheesy impressions.

5. You use your differences to grow.

Everyone has differences – it’s one of the things that makes us so special as human beings. How you respond to those differences tells a lot about how compatible you really are, though. Do you use your differences against each other, or do you remember that you’re different people with different perspectives?

6. You make each other a priority.

You aren’t always going to be each other’s first priority, but you should always fall somewhere near the top of the other’s list. If you two make a point to spend time with each other all the time, and really focus on the time you do spend, you’re taking action to build your bond – good for you!

7. You serve each other without resentment.

There are mixed opinions on this particular subject – does someone deserve “wifey treatment” if they aren’t willing to actually be your wife? I think that this relies on a misunderstanding about serving your partner, though. It should never be an obligation, but rather something you choose to do for her. If you are happy to do things for her, and she is happy to do things for you, then you’ve got it good.

8. You care for yourselves and each other.

It’s all well and good to have a partner who wants to take care of you, but if one of you isn’t also interested in taking care of yourself, no amount of serving will help you. The best partners know that you can’t help someone out of a hole that you’re stuck in yourself. They take care of themselves, so that they can better take care of each other.

9. You don’t have secrets from each other.

Of course, being an individual implies a certain amount of privacy. I’m not talking about sharing every detail of everything. But the things you keep from your partner shouldn’t be the things they don’t want to hear – it should be the things that don’t concern them. She doesn’t need to know the contents of your e-mails, but she does deserve to know if any of them cross any lines.

10. You both admit your mistakes.

Admitting a problem is the first step in fixing it – so taking ownership of the mistakes you’ve made is the first step in working towards a solution. You two don’t fight over these mistakes, because you don’t try to deny that they happened.

11. You don’t keep score.

A little friendly competition is good for you – but that competition shouldn’t get in the way of your happy, healthy relationship. That means you need to let go of the things that happened in the past, and both try your best to prevent the mistakes from repeating. It also means you trust your partner to do what she said she was going to do, even if she occasionally doesn’t.

12. You support each other, in public and private.

It’s important to have a partner who supports the things you want to do with your life, and just as important to have a partner who’s willing to stick up for you when things get a little tense. If your partner cheers you on, even when others are booing, she’s a keeper.

13. You encourage each other to be your best selves.

I’m always really hesitant about including this as advice, because there’s a very thin line between “encouraging someone to reach their full potential” and “trying to turn someone into something they’re not”. For partners who are in support of the changes being made, however, it’s an incredible feeling to know that your girlfriend is on your team and wants great things to happen for you. Just make sure you’re doing the same for her, too.

New Study Reveals Binge Watching TV Is Good For Our Love Lives

A new study conducted by the University of Aberdeen has shown that couples who curl up on the sofa together and binge watch a box set can develop a closer emotional bond than those that don’t do this. The study has been written up into a research paper called ‘Let’s stay home and watch TV – The benefits of shared media use for close relationships.’ The paper suggests that couples can enhance interdependence by watching TV shows together and this is especially so if the couple do not have many mutual friends as this means they lack a shared social world. This basically means the couple build up a relationship together with the same TV characters and this compensates for not sharing the same social group.

Interdependence is a process called ‘self – expansion’ in which people incorporate aspects of their partner into their own personality, through common interests and friendships and the paper states:

Self – expansion fosters closeness and feelings of love, and sharing a “fictional social world” can help couples with this process, leading romantic partners to identify as “an interdependent ‘we'”.

For example, when many LBGTQ individuals watched ‘The L Word’ we felt part of their lives and it was almost like Bette, Shane and co were really our friends. ‘Orange is the New Black’ is quoted in the paper when Piper says to her then boyfriend the night before she leaves for her prison sentence:

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me … that when I get out of here, we’re going to binge watch it, together, in bed, with take out.”

The paper continues to state that Piper’s longing to binge watch Mad Men with Larry can stem from a desire to restore this shared social identity when she gets out of prison as her time spent in prison will take her away from her sense of shared identity with her partner.

So girls, what are you waiting for? Get out the popcorn, choose your favourite TV show, snuggle into your boo and binge watch that box set for hours. After all, who are we to argue with the experts when we can improve our relationship with our loved one simply by watching TV together? Enjoy!

12 Compliments You Should Give Your Lady More Often

I love giving people compliments. It’s in my nature to be encouraging, I think, and I love the feeling I get when I see someone achieve the things they set their minds to. I don’t really know what it is, either – I guess some people just get joy from making other people happy.

(Secretly, I think we all do, but there are some people who will never admit it.)

There’s never really a bad time to make someone feel good about themselves, either. In some cases, a kind word can literally save someone’s life – the right words are very powerful. Even when it’s not a life-and-death scenario, giving compliments doesn’t cost anything and will give everyone involved a strong case of the warm fuzzies. Why not say something nice today?

“You’re amazing – don’t change.”

When someone is struggling with their self-image, or something else about themselves, sometimes they need a small reminder that they are already good enough. I don’t know too many people who don’t need to hear this one sometimes. (Just make sure you actually think the person is amazing – there’s no value in lying here.)

“You’re special to me.”

Most of us struggle with our self-worth from time to time, even if our confidence is otherwise pretty solid. Telling someone that they’re special to you not only shows your appreciation of the things that they do for you, but it also lets them know that they’re worth something to you. It might also help remind them that anyone who doesn’t think they’re special isn’t worth a second thought.

“I’m proud of you.”

This is one of my particular favorites, because of how it makes me feel when I hear it. If someone is feeling confused or defeated in their path in life, this can be the push they need. Knowing that someone is proud of them could make the difference between “I give up!” versus “Look what I did!”

“You look good.”

It might seem like a shallow compliment, relying solely on looks, and in many cases, that’s true. But if you have a loved one who’s been trying particularly hard to get in shape or get healthy, it acts as an acknowledgement of effort. Just knowing that someone else can see the progress made is a huge motivator.

“You are enough.”

This one comes particularly in handy when someone has been passed over for a job or a promotion, or been rejected by someone they cared about. Everyone is subject to occasional feelings of inadequacy, because the brain can’t differentiate between the things that we wanted, but didn’t get, as opposed to the things that we’ve lost. This is a gentle reminder that the status or achievement that they don’t have will not define them, in the past, present, or future.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Everyone likes feeling important, at least to some extent – and letting someone know that they’re an irreplaceable part of your life gives them importance beyond measure. It lets them know that you see them as a blessing, which is really a warm-fuzzy for both of you.

“You’re so skilled.”

It’s easy to get caught up in the things that we can’t do, and a “talent” mentality has a lot to do with it. By turning talents into skills, and reminding the person how much they’ve already improved, they’re more motivated to keep practicing. Very few people are born with “raw, natural talent” – for the rest of us, there’s dedication and practice.

“I appreciate you.”

It’s not only nice to feel appreciated – it’s necessary for our mental health and overall happiness. More people leave a relationship due to a lack of appreciation, directly or indirectly, than for any other reason. More people leave their jobs when they don’t think their boss appreciates them than any other reason. More people ditch friendships because they feel they’re being taken advantage than any other reason. Do you see a trend forming here?

A specific “thank you.”

Most people say “thank you” as a habitual response to an action, if they even say it at all. That doesn’t really show gratitude, though – so it’s important to cultivate better “thank you’s” in order to let the person know how you really feel. After all, you are grateful for this person, right?

“You are strong and brave.”

When people get scared, they tend to forget the progress they’ve already made. They freeze in fear and don’t know what steps to take next. Reminding them that they’ve already overcome so much will help encourage them to keep trying. They’ve gone through so much, and always came out on top eventually – so remind their inner warrior that they’ve got a 100% track record, and cheer them on.

“I believe in you.”

We (as humans) are more likely to give up on our goals, dreams, and plans if it feels like other people have given up on us, too. Even the strongest people will struggle if no one believes in them. Reminding someone that you believe in them is one of the easiest ways to encourage their continued awesomeness – and if it leads into a deeper conversation, even better.

“I love you.”

We don’t usually think of this one as a compliment, because we reserve it for specific people in our lives. Really, though, why can’t we love everyone in our lives? There are many different types of love, and they all deserve to be acknowledged. Remind your partner, your friends, and your family of the love you feel for them – and find a way to express your love toward strangers, too. Trust me – it helps.

How To Get Over Your Ex (For Real This Time)

When your ex breaks your heart, your first instinct is to buy a gallon of ice cream, curl up in a Snuggie and watch L Word reruns. But that’s so predictable. If you want to really get over her, you need to think outside of the box.

The Target Practice

Collect the ugliest photos of her from your cell phone, her Facebook and her Instagram.
Buy the largest dartboard you can find on the internet. Preferably the size of your entire room.
Paste all of those photos to the dartboard.
Throw darts until her face is full of holes,

The Nobel Prize

Dig out your diary from middle school.
Read these breakup poems.
Use those poems as inspiration to write your own incredible breakup poems.
Publish them in the New Yorker.
Enjoy your newfound literary fame while your ex seethes in envy.

The Empty Stomach

Cook their very favorite food.
Upload a photo of it to Instagram.
Watch your ex seethe in envy.
Bonus: Buy out all of the ingredients from the grocery store so that your ex can’t cook this food.

The Alcohol Withdrawal

Create a new alcoholic drink.
Name it after your ex.
Tell of the bartenders in town not to serve it to your ex.
Victory.

The Taylor Swift

Introduce Taylor Swift to your ex.
Watch Taylor Swift and your ex have a swift but disastrous relationship.
Wait for Taylor Swift to write a scathing song about your ex.
Create a viral dance video to that song.
Go on Ellen to demonstrate the dance.
Date Ellen.

8 Creepy Things Women Are Tired of Hearing

Can we talk about creeps for a minute, please?

I pretty much grew up with the internet, so I’ve been exposed to almost every type of creep imaginable. I also spent some time as a party girl, and learned about a few more types of creep. Sometimes, these creeps are actively trying to convince you that you’re wrong about not wanting to sleep with them. Others are slightly less creepy, choosing instead to give you advice about your appearance or hobbies. (They’re still creeps, though, because it’s not really their business.)

How many of these things have you heard lately? Do you have any more to add? Let us know in the comments!

“How much do you weigh?” or “What size _____ do you wear?”

I’ll admit it: For the longest time, I had no idea why asking a woman what she weighed could be offensive. I’d always been a bit chubby, but I weighed more than I looked like I did. (Or, at least that’s what people told me when I responded to this question.) I was pretty happy with myself for a while.

That is, until I realized what they were really saying when they told me I carried it well. They were telling me, “You look nice… For a fat person.” And it hurts a bit. Over time, the “for a fat person” starts overhanging everything else, and it calls attention to something that may be a sensitive issue. Body image issues can turn into eating disorders if left unchecked – and once you go down that road, it’s a really, really tough path to recovery.

The problem here isn’t (necessarily) in the words you’re actually using, but in the fact that you’re assigning values to someone based on the answer they give. Whether you realize it or not, you’re implying that the person’s value is attached to an arbitrary number. Just don’t do it.

“Hey baby/sweetheart/love.”

Let me be really clear here. I love pet names. I absolutely adore them and have pet names for almost every person in my life. But when a stranger chooses to call me a pet name, it makes me cringe. Does this mean I’m a hypocrite? Not at all!

Pet names are meant to convey love and affection. It’s implied that calling someone by a pet name, rather than their real name, means you want to have an intimate relationship with them (whether physical or emotional). Sometimes it’s harmless, like the little old lady at your local diner – but when it comes from someone who could prove to be a threat, it turns the woman into an object to be doted on. Not exactly charming.

Instead of assigning a pet name (or any other nickname!) to someone you don’t know – anyone you don’t know – try asking their name instead. You might make a new friend, instead of being labelled the local creep.

“Well, someone’s hungry today.” Or “Are you really going to eat all that?”

There’s a lot of pressure on women to stay thin, for the convenience of others. (I will acknowledge that men face similar pressures, too, but they’re less likely to get flak about them from strangers.) Society likes thin women because they’re “more attractive,” never mind the fact that everyone has their own unique preferences for a partner. But, I digress.

With these pressures (and the added commentary), it’s no wonder that so many women have body image issues. When you add that to the fact that a stranger is literally talking about your food, as if what you put in your body is their business, makes it extra creepy.

Instead of talking about the food someone else is eating, how about just focusing on what you put in your body? Not everyone’s dietary and nutritional needs are the same, and not everybody cares. You have no right to place judgments on how much (or how little) another person is eating.

“You should smile more.”

This one sounds innocent enough, and it almost would be. Except that no one tells men to smile more. Women are told to smile more because they’re perceived as rough when they’re not smiling. They’re seen as aggressive and domineering, and sometimes even called ugly for it. Is it fair? Absolutely not. Does it happen every day? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

Why are we told to smile? Maybe it’s a judgment about how attractive we are. Maybe it’s a commentary that our (perceived) unhappiness makes someone else uncomfortable. In both cases, it’s a gentle nudge that reminds you that what someone else thinks is way more important than how you, as a woman, really feel.

Instead of telling someone they should smile more, you should naturally try to encourage them to smile. Nothing artificial here – just be a good person and a little bit less of a creep, and I’m sure she probably will smile more. Or not – it’s not her job to please you!

“How tall are you without your shoes?”

This one seems innocent, too, except that it seeks to categorize a person based on an arbitrary measurement. Height has nothing to do with your potential for love, success, and happiness, and it shouldn’t be used to determine your value in any of those areas.

It also (indirectly) attacks a woman’s fashion choices. The truth is, the shoes you wear are 100% your business. Who cares if they’re ballet flats, sneakers, rain boots, or platform stilettos? As long as you feel comfortable and confident in your shoes, your shoes are awesome. It literally doesn’t matter what shoes make you feel comfortable.

(That being said, if your work requests that you wear specific shoes for the job, I 100% advise you to either wear those shoes or find a different job… But that’s another subject entirely.)

“You should do something different with your hair/makeup/style.”

This one usually comes from someone who means well, but they miss the mark with their concern. Telling someone that the way they look isn’t good is never the nice thing to do, but for some reason, people think it’s okay to judge women for these choices. (Have you seen how those celebs going au naturel have been talked about? It’s disgusting.)

Clothing, hair, and makeup are all personal choices that help to reflect your personality, in whatever way you want it to. Changing the style because of someone else’s opinion won’t make you look better, because you look better when you’re comfortable and confident – and following the advice of someone who just made you feel bad about yourself isn’t the way to find confidence.

Can we all just agree that we’ll appreciate the style choices of others without trying to “correct” them? This isn’t a math test, it’s just how we want to look, okay?

“Is that your real hair color?”

Have you ever noticed that men don’t really get asked if their hair is its natural color? It took me longer than I’d like to admit to finally make the connection. Men don’t get asked because the question isn’t really about hair dye… It’s about pubes. This question is just the more PC version of “Does the carpet match the drapes?” (Which, by the way, is a super awful line and should never be used. Ever.)

I used to answer this one proudly. I’ve been dying my hair every color imaginable since I was 14 years old. (I’m naturally a platinum blonde, which thankfully takes color really, really well.) But people still ask if the color is obviously fake – purple-haired me got just as many creepy questions as brunette-haired me did.

Repeat after me: “Someone else’s genitals are none of my business unless they want to share them with me.” Okay? Okay.

“Your [insert clothing item or body part here] is distracting to me.”

We hear about this one a lot whenever the subject of school dress codes comes up. Girls are told that their shoulders, their bra straps, and the back of their legs are distracting. They are often pulled out of class and told to cover up – sometimes even sent home to change. This distraction from the student’s education is overlooked (because who likes smart girls, anyway?).

Sadly, that doesn’t really go away when you grow up, either. I remember my girlfriend’s mom telling me one time that I shouldn’t wear shorts when I go out because “it might give some old man a heart attack.” I’ve been told by random strangers that they could see my bra sticking out from under my tank top. I’ve overheard people talking about rape survivors as if their clothing choices were to blame for what happened to them.

Let me just clear this one up: If you are sexualizing someone else’s body, without their consent, it is not their fault that you find them distracting. It’s your own creepiness causing problems for you, and you should really look into that a bit before blaming the victims.

Does Being Single Beat Being Married?

Browsing the internet, I couldn’t have been more surprised when I read the headline “Being single beats being married.”

I immediately thought “Me, a 21 year-old gay woman, who has never even been in relationship is going to write about the joys of being single…oh the irony!”

But as I am reading the article (you can find it here), I found myself actually second guessing serious relationships for the first time ever!

So come along and follow me as I share some of my thoughts as I learn more about the undiscovered bliss of “singledom”.

Being single allows people to “live their best, most authentic and most meaningful life”

Well, that’s a promising start, right? According to the researcher Professor DePaulo, those who are single usually have a higher sense of personal growth and development. Well, as a long-time bachelorette, I fully agree with the statement! (Already changing my tune about being single this early into the article has to be a sign).

Also mentioned, is the fact that single people are more self-sufficient! Well, I can’t argue with that either, although I guess it really varies and there are definitely a lot to take into account when talking about self-sufficiency that isn’t necessarily related to one’s relationship status.

But how about the loneliness of single life?!

I know, I know, I sound slightly crazy, and it turns out I have been completely wrong! According to DePaulo, “Single people are more connected to parents, siblings, friends, neighbours, and coworkers than married people are, and when people marry, they become more insular.” Looking back, it does make sense to be more alienated from friends and family while married…I mean, we have all seen The L Word episode where Bette and Tina need an intervention!

“Scholars are learning more about the risks of putting too much relationship capital into The One.”

Another highly focused point is the negative effects of putting all expectations in a single person and consequently, in a single relationship. It has also been under study the psychological risks and benefits of marriage and long-term dating. According to this study, single people appear to be not only happier but also more satisfied with their life when compared to married people. So why are we still getting married? “Relentless celebration of marriage and coupling and weddings that I call matrimania” is the answer given by Professor DePaulo.

Although there’s still a lot to discover in this hot-topic, it’s undeniable that the results should bring on some conflict and critique since we still live in a society where, sometimes, marriage is seen as the ultimate goal; The “happy ending” we should all aspire to, regardless of how professionally successful we may be. When I first came across the article, I was sure I was going to disagree with everything said, especially being a hopeless romantic. But what if DePaulo is right? What if we are simply “better

off” being single?

However, I can confidently say that I can’t wait to be in a serious relationship! I really can’t! But when taking a deeper look into this study, it’s undeniably scary to even think about that! What about you, what do you think about marriage? I can’t wait to see everyone’s take on this subject, so comment away!

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How To Handle 9 Common Relationship Speed Bumps Like A Grown Ass Woman

I love talking about growth in a relationship. There’s something magical about the transformations that you go through between your teenage years and adulthood. These changes don’t happen at exactly the same time for everyone, and for some people they never happen – I’m sure you can think of a few people who still act like kids, even well into their 30s and 40s. (I’m related to a few.)

What’s even more magical is the fact that, sometimes, the most mature people I know are the ones who are bad at relationships. There are things that make us mature in all other aspects of our lives – such as keeping our emotions to ourselves – that don’t necessarily mean we’re a grown ass woman in our relationships.

Curious about how to treat your relationship with the maturity it deserves? Just follow these 9 simple tips.

Scenario #1: Your partner is too busy to answer your calls.

Immature response: The immature partner may feel insecure if their partner isn’t able to respond right away. She may worry that her partner is cheating on her, or that she’s moving on without even saying goodbye.

Mature response: The grown ass woman understands that her girlfriend’s phone doesn’t live in her hand, and sometimes there are more important things going on. She knows that not every little thing is “a sign” of something bad, and she’s not going to raise a fuss without something a little more concrete.

Scenario #2: Your partner falls behind on her share of the housework.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend might keep score about who does the dishes more often, and who forgot to fold the clothes when it was their turn to do the laundry. She holds onto these things in order to bring them up at a later date.

Mature response: The grown ass woman tries to see things from her girlfriend’s perspective first. She takes time to calm down so that her anger doesn’t get the better of her. Finally, she forgives her partner and remembers that there are more important things in life than the cleaning.

Scenario #3: Your partner wants to spend some time with her friends.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend immediately gets suspicious. She feels that her partner is trying to get away from her, and she may try to tag along, or to convince her girlfriend to just stay home instead. She’s worried that her partner will cheat with her attractive friends.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows exactly why her girlfriend has attractive friends, and also knows that it’s not a threat to her. She knows that friends are absolutely vital to happiness and that her girlfriend, who is also a grown ass woman, doesn’t need a babysitter.

Scenario #4: Your sex life starts to slow down.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may assume that her partner is losing interest in her. Whether she’s getting it somewhere else, or she’s simply disinterested, doesn’t really matter – and the immature girlfriend refuses to ask anyway.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows that sex isn’t always going to be the pinnacle of the relationship. She is, however, willing to negotiate when the mood doesn’t line up just right – such as giving her partner pleasure even when she’s not in the mood. (As long as her partner asks nicely, of course.)

Scenario #5: Your partner has an occasional bad attitude.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will take this bad attitude very personally, and may even react to it with anger. Best case scenario, she’ll dwell on it and worry about what it means for the relationship.

Mature response: A grown ass woman understands that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes, you’re on your period, or sick, or stressed out from work and/or school, but that doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person you love. Instead, the grown ass woman thanks her for putting up with her bad attitudes, too.

Scenario #6: You disagree about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may respond to differences with horror, anger, or insecurity. Differences are seen as polar, and are hard to work around. It seems like she’ll never find a partner she’s actually compatible with.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is flexible about the little things. She knows that she’s not always going to get her way, and that’s okay. She knows that differences are what make us human, and they’re worth celebrating – or, at the very least, respecting.

Scenario #7: Your partner needs time for herself.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will see this “alone time” as an immediate and urgent threat to the relationship. She may feel abandoned or neglected, and she may even question whether the alone time is actually being spent alone.

Mature response: A grown ass woman encourages her girlfriend to find her own independence. She values her own privacy, so she respects her partner’s privacy, too. Most of all, she knows that arguing while you’re angry is one of the fastest ways to say something you regret, so she would never deny her partner the ability to reflect in private first.

Scenario #8: Your partner has strong feelings about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may be disinterested if her partner is having problems that don’t have anything to do with her. If the problem does have something to do with her, she may become defensive. Either way, this scenario is bound to be awkward.

Mature response: A grown ass woman listens to her girlfriend’s complaints without judgment or assumptions. Then, when her partner is done airing her complaints, the mature girlfriend offers support and, only if requested, advice.

Scenario #9: Your partner makes more money than you do.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may feel jealous and insecure when her partner makes more money than her. Society teaches us that we need to be competitive with other women. When the “other woman” is someone you love, that competition gets really strange, really fast. I’ve known lesbians who have actually broken up with a woman because of income differences.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is inspired by other people’s success stories, and seeing her girlfriend succeed will motivate her to reach her own goals, too. She knows that her partner’s wins are also her wins, because they’re working to build an empire together – not just a way to pass the time.

17 Things You Should Probably Do More Often In Your Relationship

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships in my time in the dating scene, it’s definitely that there are few absolutes. You can date a ton of women who all love cats, and once you’ve collected a good assortment of cats from previous relationships, you’ll eventually end up with a woman who really doesn’t like them.

It’s pretty much like that with everything, too – we’re all different, and we’re all into different things. However, there are some general guidelines that pretty much cover any relationship, and talking about them can help keep things going on the right track.

Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about their problems until they’re already feeling the urge to walk away. This is so sad, because – at that point – it’s almost always too late. The good news is that, by simply talking about these standard expectations with your partner, you can set yourself up for happiness that may have been lacking from your previous relationships – and, you’ll fall into the habits that make good relationships great.

Curious to know what those general guidelines are? Whether you’re trying to maintain a happy relationship, or trying to help fix a troubled one, these 17 things are the biggest keys to your partner’s happiness with her. How many are you letting slip through the cracks?

1. Compliment her.

I know, I know. We’ve all got self-confidence, and self-confidence implies that you don’t need another person’s input to let you know your value. Still, you should compliment your girlfriend. Like, a lot. She deserves to hear that she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind.

2. Hang out with “couple friends”.

When we get into a relationship, we have a tendency to neglect our single friends. While we should make sure we’re not cutting them out of our lives (unless there’s a valid reason to do so), you’ll also want to hang out with other couples to do “couple things”. Double dates can be fun, and sometimes you can even get group discounts – score!

3. Remind her you care about her.

Most people want to feel cared about and appreciated in their relationships. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but trust me – those people need to be appreciated and cared about it, maybe even more than the rest of us. Remind your girlfriend how much she means to you, and she’s more likely to stick it out through your other mistakes. (Just remember, a good portion of “caring about her” is that you actually have to try to learn from your mistakes.)

4. Keep her secrets.

If I were to ask you if you respect your partner’s rights to privacy, I’m sure you’d say you do. But when’s the last time you talked about a fight you’d had with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend? When’s the last time you told your best friend about your sex life? All of these things are in direct conflict with your girlfriend’s private life staying private – so try to break the habit as soon as possible.

5. Watch romantic movies together.

Believe it or not, there’s actually an emotional benefit to watching those sappy, cheesy romantic movies. (Okay, maybe not the totally cheesy ones, but definitely the ones that sound interesting to you.) Then, after you’ve finished watching the movie, talk about what you watched! Did the relationship on screen make you think of your relationship, or of one you’d like to have? Why or why not?

6. Learn and grow together.

The happiest couples are the ones that take time to enrich their lives, both together and separately. Enroll in a cooking class, or take a trip out of town. Learning new things and having new experiences are paramount to a happy life, so why wouldn’t you want to share those things with your partner?

7. Talk about your day.

It might seem silly to talk about your day with your partner, especially if you already live together. But happy relationships thrive on both presence and storytelling, so your ability to relay the highs and lows of your day will bring you and your partner closer together. She wants to know what’s going on, but you’ll have to find the way that works best for the two of you.

8. Talk about the hard or embarrassing things, too.

Often, we feel tempted to leave out the things that we don’t want to talk about. Chances are pretty good that these are the real things your partner wants to know about, though – and your ability to discuss them will bring you even closer than all the small talk in the world ever could.

9. Focus on how we feel, as opposed to what she did (or didn’t do).

When we talk about problems in our relationship, it’s easier to lay the blame on someone else. But when you focus on what your partner did wrong, instead of how it made you feel, you’re setting yourself up for confrontation. Try phrasing your complaints as “I feel ____ because ____” and give your partner permission to respond the same way. This puts your emotions front and center, which makes it easier to keep them within your control.

10. Have fun with each other.

Couples who play around together are generally happier – but the type of play you do is up to you and your girlfriend. Some choose to play video games, others choose to play sports, and others like to get it all out with a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever works for you is the perfect play for you and your girlfriend – but first, you’ve got to discuss what it is.

11. Cook for each other, and with each other.

There’s something special about a home-cooked meal that will always be greater than going out to eat. However, most people don’t like feeling obligated to cook – so make sure you’re both giving it a go. Don’t just cook for her, either – every so often, make a date out of cooking dinner! Even if the recipe turns out terrible, at least you got to have fun in the process.

12. Encourage her.

It’s really easy to be a critic. We often criticize without even thinking, because people ought to know better than to take things personally. But she’s not “just being sensitive” if she’s upset by those criticisms – she needs to be encouraged, too. If all you do is put her down, even with the best of intentions, she’s not going to feel cared about and appreciated (and we already went over how important that is).

13. Compromise (without sacrificing).

Compromise is a particularly tricky area for most people. It’s hard to find the right balance between forcing our own way, versus giving up our autonomy completely. But if you want your relationship to last the long game, you’ll need to negotiate so that neither of you feels taken advantage of.

14. Cuddle with each other.

Even if you’re “not really a cuddler” (read: me, pre-2013), there are numerous psychological benefits attributed to cuddling with someone you care about. It boosts your overall mood, stimulates the production of oxytocin, and shows your partner you’re in it for the long haul. Aww.

15. Message her when you’re apart.

When you live with your partner, it can be really easy to dismiss that thing you wanted to tell her because you’ll see her in a few hours (or days) anyway. But why do we stop ourselves from sending those sweet “I was thinking about you” messages? They show her that she’s on your mind, even when she’s not in plain sight, and that’s something special.

16. Get fit together.

Most people could stand to get a little more exercise, but that same portion of people don’t really enjoy exercising. By drafting each other as your primary workout buddies, you increase your chances of following through with your goals – because you’ll both be actively engaged towards the same target, and can keep each other accountable. It might even make your workouts a little more fun!

17. Define yourselves (and your boundaries).

Finally, one of the things that can degrade a relationship over time is having too much closeness. I know, I’ve just spent the last however-long telling you about more things you need to do with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. You need to establish who you are separately, and define the things you’re uncomfortable with, separate from your partner – otherwise you’ll never truly understand how you work together.

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Why Are Modern Marriages So Hard to Maintain?

In a recent post published on the Independent, couple’s therapist Esther Perel (you can check it here), shared some insight on why modern marriage is so hard.

Instead of who will we marry being dependent on arrangements previously made, or even on our partner’s wealth, we get married due to a much more urgent reason.

In today’s society, we see a new trend of marriage – the romantic model of marriage. We are getting hitched more and more due to love, which is great, BUT why is the divorce rate still increasing?

Perel has a simple yet insightful explanation and has claimed:

Marrying because you are deeply attracted to someone and have fallen deeply in love with someone (…) are rather recent ideas.”

She also added that along with the traits desired in a partner in traditional marriage such as companionship, family life, status; modern values have simply been added up to the traits we look for in a partner nowadays. In modern marriage, passion, love and romance also play a big role in marital life and, as Perel simply puts it, “We simply added more requirements to the mix.”

This marital overload will also show its effects on the couple’s sex life:

I don’t do it [have sex] because it’s part of marital duty. I do it because I feel like it and you feel like it and we feel like it at the same time and hopefully for each other.”

This much pressure on a partner to fulfil not only the traditional marital “duties” imposed by traditional marriage but also to fulfil all the other person’s needs eventually leads to disappointment.

But Perel offers some advice:

Instead, it’s worth being aware that you’re placing so many demands on your partner — and that they might be equally demanding of you.”

She also adds that instead of looking for our spouses as someone in charge of our personal fulfilment, we should look for other sources such as friends and hobbies.

Another suggestion was communication. If the couple can communicate what they would like their partner to do (or not to do), our expectations are readjusted to match not only our partner’s needs but also our own.

What are your thoughts about this topic? Is modern marriage harder? Do we demand more or do we just know what we are looking for? Let us know in the comments!

7 Little Understood Rules That Lesbians Have In Relationships.

So many people have preconceptions regarding lesbian relationships and many think that we don’t have rules like hetro couples simply because we are two women. Well, let’s inform the misinformed and tell them the top rules that many of us gals follow when we are in a relationship.

We don’t define by gender

It’s very strange how many people believe that two women in a relationship take on certain gender roles. Just because one of us may dress more feminine doesn’t mean to say we ‘keep house’ or if one of us has an outside job we ‘change lightbulbs and fix the car.’ There are no automatic gender roles and most women do things jointly or do the things they are stronger at. It’s that simple.

Not all lesbian couples are made up of one butch and one femme

This misconception must be the most common. People always tend to believe that one woman must be the ‘man’ in the relationship and the other the ‘woman.’ What a load of rubbish. Although there are couples that define as the butch and femme roles, many do not. Some lesbians do not identify as butch or femme and it’s just as common for two butches or two femmes to be a partnership.

Sex toys do not have to dominate in the bedroom

Yet another silly idea people have. It seems that unless we are using penetration with a sex toy we are not getting pleasure or having real sex. Using sex toys in the bedroom is something only the couple decide between them and one of our rules is to decide between the two of us whether we wish to use sex toys or not. Sex can be great with or without sex toys and many lesbians choose not to use them in the bedroom.

We don’t have to have sex every night

Just because we are two women together it doesn’t mean we have sex every night. Most women have sex because they feel like it and if they don’t feel like it they don’t have sex. Just because this could cause a problem in a heterosexual relationship does not mean we play by those rules and we have sex when we both want it, it’s that simple.

Because we are two women together doesn’t mean to say we are settling down

Why people assume that because two women are in a relationship it means they are going to settle down and be together forever is a bit strange. All relationships take time to make decisions like that and there is no rule stating that because we are together doesn’t mean to say we are making massive commitments until we both feel ready.

Cheating is still cheating

If you are in a relationship with someone the same rules apply as they do with all other couples. Cheating is cheating and unless we are in an open relationship most of us will not be happy of our boo cheats on us. Apparently some people think that if a lesbian cheats with a man that doesn’t count as cheating. Well it does.

Threesomes don’t come as standard

Participating in threesomes is not something many lesbians do. Of course some women might do so, but it’s something that can only be agreed between the couple. It comes down to the idea that women need a man to have sex. Well we are sorry to disappoint the men out there but we have good sex without male participation and we are not usually up for sharing ourselves with another person.

So hopefully the people out there that struggle to understand that lesbians also have rules in their relationships this little list can put them all straight.

How To Handle Being Someone’s Unrequited Love

The worst feeling in the world is when you realize that the person you love will never love you back. But it feels almost as bad to be the object of someone else’s affection, and to have to break her heart when you tell her that you just don’t feel the same.

Remember that it’s not your fault.

It’s hard to tell someone that you’re not interested, and you might blame yourself for hurting her – or she might blame you. But it’s not your fault. She is completely responsible for her own feelings, so as long as you weren’t deliberately leading her on for your own amusement, don’t feel guilty.

Be honest.

Your first instinct might be to spare her feelings with a white lie, but you need to be honest. Even if the truth hurts. Don’t lie and say that you have feelings too, because that will either give her false hope or shackle you to a relationship that you don’t want, which will be excruciatingly painful in the long run.

Be direct.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t give excuses for why you cannot reciprocate her affections. Don’t send mixed messages. Don’t tell her that your affections might change in the future. And if you don’t feel the same way about her, don’t tell her that you’ll think about it, because that will only draw out the pain.

Ask her what she needs next.

If this person is your close friend, maybe she wants to continue being friends as if nothing happened. On the opposite end, maybe she needs to take a break from your friendship. If she asks for space, give her space. If she needs to completely remove you from her life – unfollowing your social media accounts and deleting your number – don’t take offense. Respect what she needs.

Don’t take advantage of her.

It’s easy to unwittingly take advantage of someone after she admit that she likes you. After all, her crush is flattering. Don’t blur the line between friendship and romance by doing things that could be confused as having affections for her, such as asking her on one-on-one outings or buying her meals. Don’t send her pictures fishing for compliments, flirt with her for fun, or ask her for special favors. It might seem harmless on your end, but you’re playing her like a toy.

Respect her privacy.

It’s okay to tell a few trusted friends what happened. After all, you might need to process your emotions. But don’t tell every single person you know. Don’t post it to social media, and resist the urge to subtweet.

You might feel bad for not returning someone’s feelings, but as long as you handle the situation tactfully, everything will be okay!