Most of us expect that our relationships are going to flip a magical switch within us and suddenly every problem we’ve ever had is going to slip away. The truth is, that’s just stuff that sells books and movies – it’s not something that most people will ever have in life. Truthfully, that’s a good thing – usually there’s no real benefit to never having pain. In fact, the rain teaches you to appreciate the sunshine – and most people are happier if they have some sadness to compare to. (It’s the same reason why spoiled kids are miserable as adults – they’ve never been told no!)

While you might be able to find that once-in-a-lifetime love that barely ever really happens, here are a few things you shouldn’t look for in a relationship.

1. Your relationship isn’t supposed to complete you.

If you’re not happy on your own, you’re not going to be happy in a relationship. That’s because real relationships require the couple to spend time apart, too. If your relationship is the thing that’s holding your happiness together, you’re completely dependent on the relationship, and your partner – which means you’re more like an assistant.

Instead, you should focus on being a complete person by yourself, and find someone who complements you. Your real Perfect Person is the one who accepts every part of you, whether she agrees with them or not, and you’ll do the same for her.

2. Your relationship isn’t supposed to define you.

If you’re looking for a girlfriend just because you don’t have a girlfriend, stop. This isn’t fair to the other person, and it’s not fair to you, either. Your Perfect Person isn’t someone who’s going to step in and fill a role – it’s someone who’s going to create their own role in your life. Truthfully, there’s no reason anyone should have a title in your life unless they’ve earned it. Stop looking to your relationship status to qualify your worth as a person.

Instead, focus on developing yourself as a person, and find someone along the way who fits with your life in a way that no one else really has. This person could come from an unexpected place – so make sure you leave your options open until you come across her. (Hint: You might find her more than once, and that’s okay. Your intuition will tell you what to do.)

3. Your girlfriend isn’t supposed to agree with you all the time.

Your girlfriend is supposed to have her own opinions, and call you out when your opinions infringe upon hers. If you want someone who’s just going to agree with everything you have to say, get a parrot. Besides, if you’re dating someone exactly like you, you’re probably just a little narcissistic and not quite ready for a relationship yet.

Instead, try to find a woman who will challenge you on the important issues, but respectfully back you up in public. Then, take the time to learn what issues she cares about – and don’t put her on the spot to defend her beliefs. No one should have to prove themselves all the time.

4. She’s not going to be hot all the time – deal with it.

Even the sexiest women alive aren’t going to be a perfect dime at every minute of every day. Respect that looking good takes a fair amount of maintenance, and there is literally no one who looks good 100% of the time. Sometimes, rain or bad hair days or lazy spells are going to happen. Sometimes, bigger things happen, like surgery or illness or drastic weight changes. Would you still love her if she didn’t look exactly like she did the day you met?

Instead of looking for the girlfriend who would look best on your arm (and in your bed), look for the one who fits best into your life. If you’re lucky, she’ll be gorgeous, too – but if you love her, you’re going to think she’s amazing anyway. The point is, looks can change, so your relationship needs to have a more solid ground than just her appearance.

5. She’s not going to put you first every time.

In the movies, we’re shown how romantic it is when someone drops everything just to spend the day in bed with their lover. But they leave out the fact that it’s not love – it’s sex. Mature women have responsibilities and priorities and that means that sometimes she’s going to be dealing with other things. If you care about her, you need to accept that she’s busy, and not pressure her to spend time with you if she says she can’t. Chances are, she’s already done the math in her head, and she can’t. Try to be mature about that.

Instead, you should focus on making your future your main priority. Just like she’s not going to build her entire life around you, you shouldn’t try to make her the center of your world, either. If she fits into your future, that’s wonderful! But don’t make her fit if she doesn’t.

6. She’s not going to be everything you ever wanted.

Fantasies are dangerous creatures. We have this idea in our head of who the right person is for us, and most of the time we’re dead wrong. This isn’t Practical Magic – you can’t just will your Mr. or Mrs. Right into existence. And believe it or not, that’s a good thing. If we limit our relationships to just what we think we want, what happens when our wants change? Suddenly Ms. Perfect isn’t so perfect anymore. And let’s not forget the fact that she’ll change, too – people tend to do that over time. Her wants will change.

Instead, think about the woman who gives you everything you need. When it comes to a relationship, the primary needs are pretty universal. Love, respect, trust, chemistry, and loyalty. There might be different levels of each of these criteria, but any other criteria is relatively irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Don’t throw away the one who satisfies your needs for the one who’s just going to be right for a little while.

7. She’s not going to come until you’re ready for her.

If you think you can just wait around until she comes along and pushes you to get yourself right, you’re wrong. You need to be a good partner before you can attract a good partner, otherwise you’re just going to run her away. Read: Getting your dream girl before you’re ready will ruin her. Sure, a patient woman will be right by your side while you work out the pieces, but you need to be on your way already – she shouldn’t have to walk you through the door.

Instead, look for someone who pushes you to expand the reach of your dreams like you never thought were possible. She sees the merit in your bigger-picture plan, and she’ll be there to cheer you on as you cross off every milestone.

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If you’re ready to make the change from “casual” relationships to a more grown-up approach, you’ve come to the right place. Not that there’s anything wrong with keeping things casual, of course. Truthfully, different kinds of relationships each have their right and wrong times, and trying to force something to grow up is rarely a good idea. In a way, a relationship never fully grows up, because if it did, it would – by definition – die.

That being said, maybe you’re tired of not knowing where you stand with someone, and that’s perfectly fine, too. Just make sure you’re not trying to force a mature relationship out of someone who isn’t ready.

Assuming you’ve got your person lined up, and they’re ready to make things more serious, too, here’s what you need to do to take it there.

1. Be very clear about what you want.

If you were handling your casual relationship the right way, you’ve probably already went over the things you hope to get out of the relationship, but it’s important to realize that things (and people) change. Revisiting your expectations can help make sure the two of you are still on the same page. Just because you’re ready to move forward doesn’t always mean the other person is, and you need to respect it. If it comes to a disagreement (as it sometimes will), it’s best if you say your goodbyes. Maybe that person will re-enter your life at a later point, when she is also ready to move forward with things – but no one should be forced to settle for something they don’t want.

2. Set aside time for each other.

In a casual relationship, you’re often just seeing each other when you both have free time. But in a “grown-up” relationship, you need to make time for one another. This might seem a bit weird at first, especially if you’ve never been in a “serious” relationship before, but believe it or not, it gets easier with more practice. You shouldn’t expect that things will magically fall into place, and there might be occasions where your plans are completely destroyed. But a grown-up relationship understands that, and the two of you will still try to find a way to be together.

Note: This step is important even if the relationship is long-distance – Skype or Facetime date nights are just as important, especially if that’s all you have most of the time. Visits together are great, but that shouldn’t be the only time you talk.

3. Set aside time for yourself, too.

As important as “couple” time is in a healthy relationship, alone time is just as important. Please note that work and school do not count as alone time. This should be a time when you’re specifically working on hobbies and your other relationships – those with friends and family. This can be difficult once you’re living with your partner, so it’s important that you get into the habit before moving in together.

4. Talk.

Talk about your feelings. Talk about your problems. Talk about how your day went. Just talk, and listen, too. It’s important that you talk about what’s going on before things get out of hand – and sometimes this means the conversations will be uncomfortable. It’s important that you have these uncomfortable conversations, though, because if you put them off until there’s a serious problem, it’ll be so much harder to recover from.

5. Listen.

I know I already said listen, but listening is the most important part of communication. If you’re not truly listening to your partner, not only will she feel like you’re ignoring her, but you also won’t be able to understand her perspective on important topics, like your relationship. If you’re not listening, then talking is a waste of time.

6. Check up on your relationship.

One of the most uncomfortable conversations you can have is the one where you ask where the two of you stand… But it’s less uncomfortable if you do it more frequently. Taking the time to make sure the two of you are still feeling the same way can prevent surprises down the road, assuming both of you are being honest about things. This brings me to my next point…

7. Be honest – always.

Sometimes, your girlfriend is going to ask questions that you don’t particularly want to answer. Chances are, if she’s asking, she already has an idea, so lying to her is probably the worst thing you could do. You’re not obligated to tell her every little detail about every part of your life – she doesn’t need to know when the last time you pooped was, for example – but you shouldn’t be hiding things. There is a big difference between “leaving out some details” and “twisting the situation”, so make sure you’re not falling into the second category.

8. Trust her.

It’s absolutely mandatory that you trust your partner – otherwise the two of you have no business together. If she’s destroyed your trust, you might be tempted to stay in the relationship and just give her a shorter leash, so to speak. The problem with this idea is that, once someone has broken your trust, it’s almost impossible to fix it – and hanging on for something that might never happen is only going to break your heart.

9. Give yourself time to calm down.

This is one that’s often overlooked, even in otherwise healthy relationships. Responding to a situation when you’re livid is a bad idea. This is especially true if you’ve been holding things in, as you might be upset about a lot more than just the current situation. Go for a walk or a brisk jog to clear your head before you say something you’ll regret. If you keep a journal, it might be helpful to write down your “initial argument” and then re-read it to find what’s actually important. (I do this a lot, actually – not every annoyance is worth a fight, but putting off bigger issues just to make things easier will not make anything easier.)

10. Find even ground whenever possible.

Grown-up relationships are hard work, and sometimes they’re going to completely suck. Unfortunately, there’s no way around that – and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you know how to resolve your issues like adults. It’s important to be fair whenever you can. Sometimes this means compromising, and sometimes it means flat-out accepting your partner is right. Generally, you shouldn’t try to force your own right-ness, or you’ll just seem like a jerk.

You should listen to each other’s point of view and opinions, and try to find a way to see things from the other’s perspective. Some of us are better at this than others, but it’s an important skill in grown-up relationships, so practice if you’re not there yet. Trust me, your partner will thank you for trying.

Instead of pushing your way, try and find a way to meet in the middle. It won’t always be 50-50, but it should never be 100-0. If you aren’t able to find a solution that works for both of you, it might be time for professional intervention. There are a number of relationship counselors available in most areas. It’s a good idea to make sure the relationship counselor is accepting of same-sex partners, since unfortunately not everyone will be. If possible, find one who has actual experience with same-sex couples, too, as the dynamic is a little bit different.

11. Accept your differences.

Contrary to popular belief, having a partner who’s exactly like you is not usually a good idea. It’s completely normal to have different opinions, hobbies, and interests from your partner, and in fact, it’s a good thing. What’s important is that you share at least most of the same core values, as these are going to be what shapes your lives together. You should also be able to understand your differences and accept them – even when these differences aren’t something you’re fond of. In fact, especially then.

12. Consciously choose to keep loving this person – or don’t.

Falling in love isn’t a choice, but staying in love is. If you want your relationship with this person to last, you’ll need to choose – day after day – to keep loving your partner and keep accepting her as she is. Any time you start to question whether you can still love her, it’s time to re-evaluate things and decide if you’re still right together. Grown-up relationships understand that sometimes, people grow apart, and situations change. It’s up to the two of you whether you work back together or go your separate ways.

If the relationship does fall apart, one of the most important things to remember is that, just because you’re not in love anymore doesn’t mean you never were – so resist the urge to place blame or regret. Trust me – every breakup is a learning experience. Treat it like one.

Every now and then, you need a date idea that’s going to really shake things up. (Then again, this is coming from someone who spends half of her date nights at the diner up the street. Seriously – don’t judge me.) It can be tough to find something interesting to do without spending a ton of money – it seems like there’s nothing fun and free anymore.

Really, it just takes a little bit of creativity, though – there are a lot of things you can do for next to no money, and they’re pretty sweet when pulled off right. After all, most of these things rely purely on you and the other person – meaning you can actually tell exactly how the two of you are going to get along after the date is over. (This, of course, pertains to the early dates only – once you’ve already established a bond, they help keep you close. It’s a win-win!)

Interested in seeing what ideas we came up with?

A walk in the park.

If you have a local park, and the weather is nice, a stroll through the relative nature can be beautiful. (If you don’t have a park near you, you can try a meadow, forest, or orchard – just make sure you’re not trespassing.) Bring a small blanket with you so you can lay in the grass when you feel like taking a break. There’s really no limit to what you can do out in nature – you could have a picnic, play a game of tag, or even read books. Whatever works for the two of you, make it work.

Have an adventure.

One of my favorite things to do when I was younger was to go exploring. Sure, I got lost sometimes – but I have a smartphone now. Getting lost is pretty much a thing of the past – so why not go exploring? Get lost in your own city. Walk around until you find a family-owned restaurant you’ve never been to. Try geocaching. Even star gazing can be a great hobby – especially if you’ve still got that blanket from your walk in the park.

Open air markets = better than any mall.

Want to combine the joys of shopping, the thrill of a good deal, and the feeling of walking in the fresh air? Open air markets are the only way to go. Whether you visit the local farmer’s market for organic ingredients to make dinner together or you’re walking around a swap meet to find kitschy collectibles, open air markets help the world to be a little smaller – and happen to give you good exercise, too. I love Amazon as much as the next girl, but nothing quite beats that nostalgic feeling you get when you shop out of a booth.

Make art together.

There’s something bonding about the creative arts, and I for one love the idea of getting creative with my partner. My girlfriend and I have entirely different creative styles, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do creative things together. Whether you paint, make a sculpture, or even just color a picture together, art is beautiful – couldn’t your world use a little more beauty?

Play a sport together.

Okay, maybe it’s a little cliché, but… Could you join the local softball league together? (Probably want to make sure you’re on the same time.) You can even organize a game among friends. It doesn’t have to be softball, either. Tennis, mini-golf, Frisbee… Whatever sports and games you like to play, play them. Not only does this mean date time counts as exercise, but you’ll also have a lot of fun!

Find a downtown event.

Most cities have outdoor events when the weather is nice. The town I live in now has the Olive Festival – a little silly, but fun nonetheless. Another city I’ve lived in had the Creek Walk, where bands would play alongside the local creek. The combination of independent music and peaceful nature sounds was pure bliss. The events themselves are bound to vary, depending on where you live, but every town I’ve ever lived in has had something – and your town probably does, too.

Leftover Picnic

Leftovers aren’t very glamorous, but sometimes, you’re going to have to have leftovers on a date. This is particularly true if you guys have lived together forever and you don’t really feel like cooking. To make the idea of leftovers just a little more romantic, take them on a picnic! Suddenly, day-old Chinese food sounds pretty exciting, when you’re surrounded by flowers and trees the whole time.

Volunteer together.

There’s something sexy about a woman who’s willing to help others. If the two of you are both interested in getting involved, volunteer work can be put on your resume or college applications, and it’ll generally make you feel better about yourself. Find your local soup kitchen, animal shelter, or community service center to see what they need help with. Or, you can make care packages for soldiers or the homeless. Whatever you do to make the world a better place, you’re going to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment – and you might just make someone’s day.

Dating anyone is inherently a learning curve. Dating when you’re not used to dating, or when you weren’t particularly looking for anyone, can be even tougher. But dating the woman who’s used to be single? That’s gotta be the toughest. It’s nothing like you pictured it in your head. Here you are expecting to win her over, and then once you have her, you still don’t really have her yet.

What do you have to look forward to when you date a woman who wasn’t trying to date anyone?

Expect her independence.

She’s been doing her own thing for so long, she sometimes forgets to fill you in on her plans. She’s not used to asking permission from anyone and she’s not about to start now.

Take things slow.

She’s not used to the attention, so she’s going to want to take things slow. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, and in fact, it probably means she likes you more. This is still new to her, and it’s going to take a while to get used to.

Her friends probably won’t like you.

It’s nothing personal – they’re just a little overprotective of her. They’re going to want to grill you to make sure you’re right for her, because they can’t stand seeing her get hurt. They’ll warm up to you in time – if you pass their tests.

She’ll say “no thanks” – a lot.

It’s not that she doesn’t like the “gentleman” act you’ve got going. She’s just so used to doing things for herself that it’s hard to let someone else take care of her. She has to learn that there’s someone else looking out for her now.

She’ll be stubborn.

Like, really stubborn. She’s not used to having to check in with anyone, so she’s used to getting her own way. It doesn’t mean she’s spoiled, because she has no problem getting things on her own. Be stubborn right back at her – but don’t forget to let her win sometimes, too.

She needs extra alone time.

Especially at the beginning when she should be stuck to your hip, you should anticipate being alone a little more. It’s not that she’s trying to push you away – she’s just got more feelings than she knows what to do with. Give her time, and she’ll warm up to you eventually.

She might pull away.

When she realizes how into you she is, she’s probably going to try and retreat. Be patient with her – this is all unfamiliar territory. She’ll probably come around after she’s had time to process her feelings.

She might seem a little insecure.

If she’s been single for a long time (or her whole life!) she might question the relationship. A lot. She’s going to want to know if everything’s real, or if you’re just wasting her time. Or leading her on. Or getting too close. She’s going to want to know every detail, because she’s not used to sharing her life with someone like that.

She’s “got this” – until she doesn’t.

You should anticipate her being headstrong. Remember how she’s used to doing everything for herself? It’s going to take a while before she’s ready to let you help her. Eventually, she’ll let you help her, but for now, she’s going to try and be invincible. Keep offering to help anyway.

She’ll try to keep you out.

Be patient and kind – this is a test. I know, I know, it’s not fair to test your partner, but she’s got her reasons. If you’re willing to get through the locks, she’ll let you in. She’s hoping you’ll stick around to see what’s inside.

Trust isn’t cheap.

Trust is a huge deal to her, so she’s not going to give you much at once. It’s going to feel like a lot to her, though, so cherish the things she lets you know. And don’t ever, ever break her trust – you’ll never get it back.

Ignore her outer shell.

She’s going to come across as hard and rocky. She might even be a bit intimidating at first. Don’t believe it, though – she’s a big softy on the inside. You just have to wait until she opens up.

Don’t expect a life story.

At least, not right away. She’ll show you the shallow details, but the things that are important to her stay hidden inside. But that’ll just make you love her more when you do meet her inner goddess.

She won’t be vulnerable.

Some people want to come in and sweep the forever-alone woman off her feet – save the day, if you will. But this woman will have none of that. She knows she’s strong, and she’s not going to let anyone make her feel weak. You won’t be saving the day today.

She doesn’t need you.

She wants you. And that’s a huge distinction. She knows she doesn’t really need much, but the things she wants, she keeps – and it’ll be completely entrancing.

She’ll worry.

She’s going to protect herself from being hurt. She’s going to protect herself from being loved, because it might result in being left. She isn’t going to want to risk it – she won’t know who she is if she loses you. She’s not used to letting someone have that power.

She’ll fall hard.

And she’ll probably fall for you way before she admits it. She’s more comfortable being alone, but she will let you in eventually and it will be pure bliss.

She’ll change your life.

Whether you’re hers for a day, a year, or a lifetime, you won’t be the same after her – and she won’t be the same after you.

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It’s an unfortunate reality of the dating world: There’s going to be some jealousy sometimes. And jealousy is a tricky subject, because reassurances often sound like confirmations of wrongdoing to someone with insecurities. A little jealousy is completely normal in a relationship, such as if a partner does something that raises obvious red flags. You spent the night at your ex’s house and didn’t tell your girlfriend until two weeks later? Yeah, expect to be in trouble. But too much jealousy isn’t such a good thing – and if it starts to get in the way of both of your happiness, you’ll need to address it.

But how?

Start the conversation.

The first step will be to let your girlfriend know that her jealousy is actually a problem. There might be some compromises necessary, which you two will work out together. Are there certain things that you do that make her jealous? Try to work on those issues, but also remind her that you’ve done nothing wrong and you need a little trust.

Recognize the early signs.

Most likely, her jealousy follows a pattern. Recognizing the pattern when it’s still early enough to stop it can sometimes make all the difference. You should decide a sign for you to give when her jealousy is becoming a problem – a way you can let her know gently. Confronting her aggressively will make things worse, so try to be fair.

Don’t cater to her.

Yes, there are some things you should do to prevent unnecessary jealousy with your partner. But if you remove all the triggers, you’re not fixing the problem – you’re encouraging the bad behavior by giving it a positive response. (That is to say, she wants you to avoid all situations where her jealousy is triggered – if you do this, you’re enabling her.) Instead, you should focus on the feelings of jealousy themselves. If you’re respecting your partner, she should be able to give you some breathing room.

Go to therapy together, if necessary.

In some cases, the jealousy might be impacting her life in a very serious way, too, and you might need to go to a counselor to address these issues. Chances are, she’s not going to like the idea right away, but that’s just because our society has conditioned us to think that counseling is something we should be ashamed of. It’s not. These counselors wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t a common problem – and they just might be able to help.

Be patient.

Of course, we all want to stop jealousy as quickly as possible, but realistically that’s probably not how it’ll work out. You need to be patient and realize that some problems take a while to sort out, and her jealousy and insecurities are probably going to take a little while. You’ll need to work together, too – neither of you can do this entirely on your own, and it wouldn’t be fair to try.

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Dear KitschMix,

Hey was just wondering if I could get some advice. I’m crazy for this girl. We’ve been friends since high school, so about 10 years.

The past 12 months we have spent some amazing times together and we went through her dad passing away and then she moved away and then came back.

We have been intimate a few times. She just came to celebrate my birthday and she met my whole family and went out of her way to make sure my parents interacted with her.

How do I know if she feels for me like I do her, without just coming out and asking? There are things she does like take me to places that are special to her etc., but I just don’t want to be making it all up in my head. Help?

Well, reader, if I had to guess, I would say this sounds like a relationship – but that doesn’t mean your lover feels the same way. Any guesses I could take would be just that – guesses – and the only way to really know is to ask her. The good news is, there’s enough information here that I’m pretty sure the answer won’t be unexpected. But, there is always a chance that the two of you aren’t on the same footing.

It sounds to me that, if she doesn’t consider it a relationship already, she might want to, but with the passing of her dad, she’s likely to be in a messy place. It’s always hard when you lose someone close to you, and if she’s not out to her family, it could add extra layers of guilt. This isn’t necessarily her experience, though – people handle loss and pain differently, and there really is no right or wrong answer (as long as she’s not trying to hurt others to lessen her own pain – this is never OK).

I understand your hesitation to ask, though; really, I do. Some people won’t ever consider something a relationship, and technically that’s perfectly fine. Sure, it might suck for those of us who want to put an official title on where we are, but it’s important to realize that not everyone feels that way.  I hope that the two of you can find a happy solution that works for both of you, but that’s not necessarily the case – so you need to prepare yourself for that possibility.

If you really don’t feel comfortable asking – but you’re not exactly shy, per se – you could try telling her how you feel, and what you want, instead of asking her how she feels. Yes, you will be setting yourself up for the possibility of rejection – but your situation doesn’t sound like that’s the case. I think worst case scenario, you’ll get a response of “I’m just not ready yet.”

I’m the type of person who won’t put a label on things until I’m 100% sure how I feel. Sometimes, this means I’m ready before the other person is, but other cases (like with my current partner) it means that I’m not ready to call it a relationship until it’s been exclusive for months already and I picture a good future with her. This means that I’ve dated a bunch of girls, but only had a few girlfriends. Personally, I think if everyone took this approach, there would be a lot less cheating, but not everyone looks at relationships the same way, and that’s OK.

For me, it’s often a lot easier to ask how someone else feels than it is to discuss how I feel. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably just ask. Over text message. Because I’m really shy. But whatever sounds best for you is what’s right for you – just remember that a stranger can’t read her mind for you, nor is there any way for you to read her mind. Relationships are built on communication, so you need to find a way to communicate with her about your situation and work out the details together.

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