Are you looking for an intimate way to show your love for your partner? Of course, sex is considered one of the greatest forms of intimacy, but with the new surge of people who have sex just to have sex, it’s not really a thing of closeness for most people anymore. If you want to show your lady that she means more to you than just something to play with, consider some of these things. (They’ll work best if you do them with someone you truly care about – but make sure you don’t neglect her sexual needs, too!)

1. Hold her hand in public.

With this generation’s pull towards the “side chicks” and the “just talking” stages of the relationships, having the courage to actually walk hand in hand, in public, is proof that you are willing to let other people see you with your girl. It shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is, but it has gotten there lately. Make sure you let your lady know how you feel about her, even when you’re around other people.

2. Introduce her to your family.

If your lady hasn’t met your family yet, it might be nice to introduce her. (This is, of course, assuming you are out of the closet – you probably don’t want to drag your girlfriend along for the awkwardness of coming out.) Letting her meet your family proves that she’s more than just a hookup to you.

3. Cuddle with her.

Did you know that the same bonding hormone released when you have an orgasm is responsible for a sense of closeness when you cuddle with someone? Yep, your brain actually reacts in a very similar way to the two activities, and one shows that you like being close to your partner even when her clothes are on. (But have you tried cuddling naked? It’s definitely the best.)

4. Sit in silence.

If you can sit with someone for hours, not speaking, and not feeling uncomfortable – you’ll know that you have a deep connection. Maybe the two of you like sitting together and reading books. Maybe you’d rather drawing together, or writing side by side. If you don’t feel the need to fill the silence with awkward words, you two can bond just by being close to one another.

5. Share secrets.

It’s a lot easier to give someone your naked body than it is to give them a piece of your soul. Don’t believe me? Think of every person you’ve ever had sex with, and how many of them truly know you inside out. My guess is that one list will be longer than the other. Of course, this will vary from person to person, but if you tell your partner things you don’t tell anyone else, you’ll be closer.

6. Have inside jokes.

One of the things that’s often overlooked in a healthy relationship is the ability to be each other’s best friend. We get wrapped up in the romance and the sex and we forget to be fun, too. Most of the time, we start off as friends – so why wouldn’t we want to keep nurturing that part of the relationship? If you’re able to maintain inside jokes with each other, you’ll only grow closer over time.

7. Cook and clean together.

If you and your partner aren’t evenly dividing the cooking and cleaning, one of you may begin to resent it after awhile. There’s no rule that says it has to be an even 50-50 everywhere, but you should be distributing the tasks in a way that makes everyone happy. One of the best ways to do this while increasing your bond together is if you work together to get the chores done – you’re spending time together, helping each other out, and making time to be together.

8. Nap together.

Let me say first that I am a very bad napper. I get overwhelmed with the idea of staying in bed when there are things that I could be doing that are far more productive. But the truth is, when you feel completely relaxed with someone and able to fall asleep in each other’s arms, in the middle of the day, it’ll be far more refreshing than you could imagine. (Just don’t forget to set an alarm if you have something to do – cozy naps can take over your whole day if you let them!)

9. Surprise each other when you can.

It doesn’t have to be anything big. (I’m often guilty of making my surprises too big, actually.) Just some small way to note that you were thinking of her. Maybe you picked her up her favorite donut, or she started the coffee for you before she left for work. These little things, when they’re something your partner enjoys, work wonders in terms of refueling the bond you share.

10. Binge-watch your favorite show together.

This is another one that I’ll say I’m a little too good at. The idea of sitting in bed, or on the couch, and just watching TV together until you can’t keep your eyes open anymore… It seems like it’s not a productive use of your day, but if it’s something you enjoy together, it can be magical. Just make sure you take food and bathroom breaks when you need them!

11. Trust each other’s opinions.

If you can ask your partner for advice and feel confident that she is giving you honesty, you can reach all-new levels of closeness. You don’t have to worry about whether she’s just trying to get something out of you, because you’ll know that it’s coming from where it really counts. You should be able to trust your partner to tell you the truth, if you’re also trusting her with your body – right?

12. Tell her she’s beautiful.

Of course, not all women like being told they’re beautiful – but gorgeous, adorable, handsome, attractive… All can be wonderful to hear if they’re said genuinely. Be sure to avoid sexual notes in your compliments, because these can be taken as just looking for sex. You want your partner to know that you see her as so much more than that. Make sure you compliment her mind, too!

13. Write her a love letter.

My partner and I actually have a book of love letters written back and forth between us. It’s super romantic, and it can help if you’re fighting – just having something to look back on to remind you what you love about them so much. The writing doesn’t have to be perfect; it should simply show her how much she means to you.

14. Take a road trip.

I absolutely love riding around with my partner. With gas prices as they are, it can be a little difficult to afford it too much – but consider setting a destination and saving up for it. This can be fun, as you can play car games to bond a little, and then when you reach your destination you can enjoy a fun date somewhere the two of you have never been together. Then, more car games on the way back!

Most of us have been through break-ups that have messed us up. These are the ones that we put our everything into and still they didn’t work out – they mess us up inside. The last thing we want to think about is the next girlfriend in line. We would rather take our time and completely heal ourselves first.

The truth is, the chances of success might be better if we applied this type of approach to all of our break-ups; that is, focusing on yourself and blocking out the idea of love for awhile. It seems like a pretty unromantic idea, but in actuality, it will help you be a better partner in your next relationship if you take more time.

Interested in learning about the benefits of this extra time?

Relationships are trial-and-error.

We learn about what we like by discovering what we don’t like. Break-ups actually help us to define what we want out of a relationship, but we have to allow the lessons time to sink in. Rushing through this “reflection” process gives us less time to think about the whole thing.

There is a school of thought that estimates you need about 3 months of single time to help off-set each month of “partnered” time. I think this number is arbitrary and there are a number of factors involved, so the time it takes to reflect will vary from relationship to relationship. It’s up to you to find the actual numbers that work for you.

When you are reflecting, think about the following questions:

• What did I dislike about what she did during this relationship? – This will let you know what you don’t want to tolerate in your future relationships. Of course, sometimes you may compromise on the less important issues.
• What things did she dislike about what I did? – Think of the things she may have brought up in your arguments. Verbal cues are a good indicator, too. These are things that you’ll have to evaluate – maybe you want to “fix” the problem, or maybe you don’t think it’s a problem.
• What things did I dislike about my actions or words? – Whether this was something she brought up or something you noticed on your own, these are things you will want to work on in the future.
• What things did I sacrifice during this relationship? – All relationships come with sacrifices and compromises, but the things that are important to you should never be sacrificed. If you determine something you don’t want to do without, make sure you stand up for yourself in future relationships.
• What hobbies do I want to revisit now that I’m single? – This may be something you sacrificed, or it may be something you always wanted to try but never had the chance. It’s always a good idea to keep yourself busy, particularly when you are healing.
• What do I want to improve about myself now that I have time? – Maybe there’s a class you wanted to take, or a new online business you had an idea for. Maybe you wanted to teach yourself guitar. Think of at least one thing you want to learn or invest in (whether time or money), and do it.

Modify the questions as you need to in order to fit your own relationship. Be honest with yourself, there is no benefit in fudging the answers. It may be that you have no answer to a specific question – and that’s okay. As long as you’ve given it its due thought, you can consider it complete.

A healthy relationship requires a healthy emotional state.

Humans, generally, try to mask their sadness with a new source of happiness. In the broadest sense, this is actually a good thing. We’re easily distracted, after all, and distractions can help to take our mind off the pain.

The only issue here is if you are trying to use a relationship to change your emotional state. Your relationship cannot be your entire source of happiness, or even the primary focus of your relationship. If you put that much emotional weight in any single place, you are setting yourself up for disaster if it falls through.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Never let any one thing have so much power over you that losing it would destroy you – this is almost guaranteeing that you will lose it. Everything requires balance.

Mental preparation is a huge deal.

A lot of people don’t give themselves enough time to thoroughly evaluate everything and know what their needs and wants are before moving on. We briefly addressed this with the list of questions above, but more than just knowing the answers to the questions, you also need to understand exactly what this means in terms of your goals.

Those who keep a journal may find it helpful to write down your goals – I happen to do this about once or twice a year, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Two of the easiest ways to psychologically stick to your goals is to write them down and to look at them.

If you don’t keep a journal, you can easily do this freeform, as well. Sticky notes are great for this (and you can get them for pretty cheap, usually). Write each of your goals on a sticky note, and put it somewhere you’ll see it regularly. These goals can be anything positive, and you can even mix in inspirational quotes and motivation if you want.

It could be as simple as the notepad on your phone, too. Most phones come preinstalled with a basic note taking app, or you can download a to-do list. Set deadlines for yourself if your goal is something measurable (hint: the best goals are the ones you can measure and validate), and have your phone remind you about it. The notifications might be annoying, but it’ll remind you to stay on track.

Note that your goals shouldn’t be anything about finding a girl – this isn’t something you can (or should) put a deadline on. Focus on yourself, and eventually the right girl will come to you.

You should spend some time as your own lover.

It takes time to adjust to the single life, so if you must rush into a relationship – begin a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself better. Take yourself out on dates. Masturbate as much or as little as you want – this is your time to love yourself.

Particularly if you have self-confidence issues, it may be difficult to think positive if you don’t have someone there validating your flaws. This is something that society has drilled into us, through all types of media – it’s important to realize that the only person you have to please is yourself.

I’m not saying that all media and advertisements are bad, or that we should petition the “damaging” adverts that appear. I think that’s doing a little too much. We just need to take some time to appreciate being our own validation – break out of the cycle of self-hate.

Making measurable improvements in your life will help immensely in this area, as well as doing things that you are already good at, or things that make you happy. Learn to make yourself happy. You are enough – a good woman should complement you, not carry you.

Masturbation during this time is a particularly sensitive area of personal exploration (pun intended) because many of us don’t like to admit that we do it. I’m not sure where the stigma came from, exactly, but it’s almost 2016 – can we all stop being ashamed of pleasuring ourselves already?

You can be single without being lonely.

If you (like many women) tend to fall away from your friends when you’re in a relationship, consider your time spent single to reconnect with your besties. They were there for you before your relationship, they will likely be there for you now that you’re single again.

But what if, over the course of your relationship, you ended up alienating your friends? You might actually have to find some new ones. If you haven’t made any new friends in a long time this can be even more difficult.

Just set aside some time to meet new people, have new experiences, and reconnect with the important people in your life. Maybe, in time, one of these new friends will turn into your next love – but you shouldn’t try to force it.

A relationship should not be a Band-Aid.

Often we try and use a new relationship to make up for something we think is missing in our life. It can be nice to enjoy a little fling, but the truth is the pain will still be there, just under the surface. Rather than trying to mask it, you need to actively heal.

The time this takes will be different from one person to the next, and even the same person as they learn and grow. It’s hard to predict how long it will take in any given scenario, but rushing through it will yield disastrous results. Most relationships aren’t meant to last anyway, but rushing things will only decrease the chances of success.

Your mind will tell you when you’ve had enough time to properly heal. You’ll notice that you don’t really think about the pain from the past as much as you think about the hopes for the future anymore. You will feel better about yourself because you have improved yourself since the last time you had a partner. Because you have improved yourself, you will attract a higher caliber of partner.

You see how this works? It’s a constant cycle – and it’s up to you to determine whether you’re moving forward or backwards. The singledom after the relationship is just as important (if not more important) than the time spent in the relationship – treat it with the respect it deserves!

Often when we think of a “successful” relationship, we’re thinking of the long-term picture. Maybe it means that the relationship results in mutual success, maybe it means that you slowly worked your way up from friends, or maybe it means that you’re together “forever” and you just “click”. However, no matter what description you use to define “success” in your loves, we tend to wonder when we get these intimate feelings early on.

Does this mean that there’s something wrong with shorter relationships? Well, no – I’m a firm believer that a person will be in your life for exactly as long as they need to be. Sometimes we regret not meeting a person sooner, but if we think back on the situation, we’ll usually know that there’s something that was in the way before. People come into your life when they’re meant to, they leave when they’re meant to, and it’s a little silly to wish for anything else.

Fact: Sometimes people get attached quickly.

It’s a bit of a lesbian stereotype, actually – we’ll get attached quickly and that’s the end of it. Someone you’ve known for two weeks sees deeper in your soul than someone you’ve known your whole life. While we don’t want to force the issue (pretending to be attached to someone if we’re really not yet), sometimes you click with someone sooner.

It is important to realize the difference between “love” attachment, “lust” attachment, and “infatuation” attachment, though – the three have very different connotations.

Infatuation attachment simply means that you want to be with someone. In an ideal relationship, you’ll keep these feelings for the entire relationship – but often they wane after some time. Generally, it’s difficult to tell if something is infatuation during the first few months.

Lust attachment refers to a strong desire to have sex with someone. This doesn’t automatically mean that you’re meant to be together; sometimes you just have a strong sexual chemistry. But sexual chemistry is not the only factor that matters in a relationship. Even if both partners have very high sex drives, there are other things that need to be considered.

Love attachment, on the other hand, refers to a willingness to accept every part of the person. You take their flaws (that you have definitely noticed) and still see them as a good person. It’s important that you have identified their character flaws in order to say that you love them – infatuation is blind, but love sees all.

Fact: Some people can read others very well.

If you’re with someone who seems like they can see straight into your soul, this can either be really uncomfortable, or really reassuring – depending on how you feel about them. This type of intimacy can be very intimidating if you don’t feel the same way towards the person that they feel about you.

But if you feel strongly for them, you may find yourself perpetuating their ability to read you by being more open with them. When we openly communicate with someone, we are exposing a piece of our soul that we don’t allow everyone to see – something that can be off-putting to someone if they don’t care to know those things.

With a proper balance of empathy and communication (from both partners), a quick connection can be very beneficial. It eliminates any need to “play games” (which you totally shouldn’t be doing anyway) and allows us to be truly ourselves at all times. For many people, it can take a long time to be that comfortable with someone – but that’s not always the case.

If you and your partner are both completely comfortable with each other from the start, your closeness is bound to grow over time. The connection you have now is likely to keep building until you know each other inside out. Imagine how much you can know about your partner if you start right away!

Of course, sometimes this connection backfires. You might get into things that are “too personal”, and either you lock up or your partner shuts you down. These are both incredibly painful experiences, and can cause the downfall of the relationship. We hope this never happens to you – but most likely, it’s going to happen at least once in your life.

Fact: Some women “substitute” their ex with their new love.

It seems like a messed up situation, but there is an inclination of some women to attempt to slide a new partner into the position filled by their old partner. In these cases, the partner doing the “substituting” may assume certain things about their new partner; whether they assume they are the same as their old partner, or they assume they are different, they have equal chances of being right and wrong.

Even if you’re the best people-reader in the world, you can’t make generalizations based on first appearances. People can pretend to be someone they’re not, and you shouldn’t over-complicate that by pretending, too.

Repeat after me: Your new partner is not your old partner, and if you’re having trouble remembering that, you’re probably not ready for a new relationship yet.

Fact: Some relationships run their course quickly.

Sometimes, getting intimate early on can be a wonderful thing. You may decide that this woman is the love of your life – and it only took you a short while to realize that. But if you’re rushing into the seriousness of the whole thing, you may eventually find that the things you thought aren’t really true.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. In fact, most aren’t. That doesn’t always mean that the relationship was wrong. Most relationships represent exactly what we needed in our life at the time we were in them (the exception being abuse – no one ever deserves to be abused). Just because it doesn’t work for you anymore doesn’t mean it was wrong from the beginning.

If you find that your relationship is growing old in all the wrong ways, it’s best if you just say goodbye. There’s this stigma associated with short-lived relationships, but it really doesn’t make any sense. How is a one-night stand seen as a “success” but a two-week relationship seen as a “failure”? It’s about the quality of the time, not the amount of time you spent.

Fact: Life is (mostly) unpredictable.

Even if you’re an obsessive planner (I happen to fall in this category), there’s no way to see the future. There’s this quote I remember seeing somewhere, a long time ago – “I hate when I plan my day and no one else follows their script.” It makes a lot of sense, though – we can only truly control ourselves. We might be able to influence others, but they make their own decisions.

Sometimes, the woman you’ve been seeing may leave you out of the blue, and others might tell you that you’re unreasonable for feeling slighted by the end of the relationship. You have every right to be hurt when a relationship ends, no matter who ended it, how long it lasted, or why it didn’t work out. Even if we try to plan every detail, the most important ones are things that we can’t plan for.

If you find yourself incredibly hurt by the end of a “short” relationship, you’ll probably be tempted to get back together – but I urge you to resist this. If she left you “without reason” so early on, it’s likely that you weren’t right for her – and if you try to get back together, it’s possible that she would continue to blame you for things that aren’t your fault.

(And beyond that, begging sounds an awful lot like desperation – don’t give into the temptation!)

In the lesbian dating world, there are mistakes that we’re all bound to make at one point or another. Hopefully we don’t continue to make these mistakes throughout our dating life – but most people will have been through at least some of these before.

How many can you honestly say you’ve never done?

Too much, too fast.

If you’re with the right lady, she’ll eventually want to hear about every little crisis in your life – but you should pace yourself. Start slow, and in time you can open up further. If you put too much out there at once, you risk pushing her away.

Answering the phone.

It should go without saying, but you shouldn’t answer your phone on a date. If you really must take a call, make sure you excuse yourself and step away – but unless it’s an emergency, it’s best if you just keep it in your pocket.

Focusing on the past.

Most of us have exes, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is if you talk about them all the time with your new boo. It’s okay if you tell the basic details, but avoid saying anything that might make your girlfriend judgmental or jealous. Otherwise, you look like you’re not over the past yet – and you should be focused on the future.

Getting wasted.

Some people like the little bit of liquid courage that can come with a first date at a bar or casual dining restaurant. However, unless you want to risk making a complete fool of yourself, it’s best to stick to just a few drinks at most.

Hanging out with all your friends.

We know you’re going to want to introduce this new dream girl to all your friends, and I’m sure they’d love to meet her. But you shouldn’t overwhelm her with too many new people right at the start. Many women may feel anxiety in situations where they feel like the odd one out, and being around a bunch of people who know you inside out certainly isn’t going to help her feel at ease. Besides, don’t you want to get to know her first?

Being too serious.

While politics and current events can be a great topic of discussion, it’s best if you wait until you know each other a little better before you get too far into the serious stuff. You should feel free to discuss briefly the issues most important to you, but don’t be boring.

Running too long.

If we feel a deep connection with someone right away, we might be tempted to spend a great deal of time with them. But it’s better if we take our time, pace ourselves – give ourselves time to become more comfortable with one another. If you try to push it, you can seem clingy – or you could run out of things to talk about before the second date!

Making plans for the future.

You shouldn’t be planning further ahead than the next date. You shouldn’t get your hopes up too high at this point – just take your time and get to know each other. If you plan too far ahead and things don’t work out, you can end up feeling a bit awkward.

Being dishonest.

Ladies, there are very few reasons it’s appropriate to lie to a girl you’re interested in, and even less good reasons to lie to someone you’re not interested in. Just tell the truth! If you’re not interested in seeing her again, don’t pretend you are. There’s no reason to play games.

Being rude.

You’d think that this was a given, but some people forget to be nice to the other people they encounter on their date. It’s not just about your lady friend – the waiters, the guy who parks your car, the other customers in the restaurant… The way you treat these people will reflect on you, too, so be on your best behavior.

Do you have any other “don’ts” for a first date? Share them in the comments!

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We all have our own set of rules that govern us, in life and in love. Sometimes these rules make no sense, but other times they are based on tried-and-true methods of keeping ourselves safe (yes, emotional safety counts, too). There are bound to be differences from person to person; it’s inevitable.

I understand that these rules might not resonate with everyone, but I wanted to take a minute to share my own personal dating rules – things that help to guard my heart from people with bad intentions.

Of course, they don’t work 100% of the time (is there anything that really does?) but simply thinking about them may help you to prioritize your own needs above the requests of your partner. (I know, for the hopeless romantics out there – this can be really hard sometimes.)

1. Don’t let your partner (or prospective partner) mold you into someone you’re not.

It can be tempting to let your partner change you. After all, especially when we love someone, we tend to want to bring ourselves as close to “perfect for them” as we can. But it’s important to remember that changing the fundamental aspects that make you unique won’t make you perfect for your partner – it’ll make you fake.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t change and grow over the course of the relationship, as you definitely should. Just make sure those changes are actually improvements and not just “modifications”.

2. Don’t dress in anything that makes you uncomfortable.

I actually had someone tell me once that I should “dress for the girl I’m trying to woo”, and I think it’s important to note that that’s bad advice. After all, wouldn’t you prefer someone who’s attracted to your actual style? Sure, you should dress nice when you’re trying to meet someone – but not outside of your style. (Besides, you’ll be more confident if you wear something comfortable, and confidence is very sexy.)

The same goes for makeup. I never wear makeup on a first date, because I rarely wear makeup in the first place. If I wore makeup for a first date, it would set the assumption that I wear it all the time – and then I would feel pressured to actually wear it all the time, which would be uncomfortable for me.

3. Don’t dish out every detail right away.

I’ll admit that I have made the mistake of telling too much of myself to someone new, and they totally used it against me. Of course, this built the necessary safety net – I reveal slowly until I know that the person:

• wants to know these things;
• will accept me for these things;
• and won’t use these things against me.

It’s never easy to tell, but if you tell too much, too soon, you’re likely to alienate people. The best girlfriends will care, will accept you, and won’t use your secrets to hurt you – but how do you know if she’s like that from the start? Make sure you’re not sharing more than she is.

4. Don’t make promises in the beginning.

I’m the sort that hates making promises, because I feel like I’m bound to the soul. I’ve met plenty of women who didn’t feel this way, and it completely baffles me. How can anyone not feel the need to be true to their word? I guess I just don’t know how to deal with disloyalty.

For the women like me who feel obligated to keep their promises, it’s best not to make promises too early into the relationship, as there’s no actual guarantee that you’ll be able to keep them – and then if you aren’t, you’ll feel a great deal of guilt.

For those women who don’t feel like they need to keep their promises, I urge you to stop making promises in the first place, because chances are, some woman is going to take your words for truth – and then you’re going to hurt her. Please don’t do this.

5. Don’t make a big deal out of things that don’t matter.

Apparently I’m in the minority, because I’m very selective about which issues are worth fighting over. But it comes from a place of self-preservation. If you’re bickering and fighting over every little thing, you’re not allowing yourself to appreciate your partner as she is. Instead, keep in mind a few things you won’t tolerate, and go from there.

Which brings us to…

6. Don’t keep putting up with the same nonsense.

Maybe your last partner was a cheater, so you decide you won’t deal with cheaters anymore. See someone who’s showing signs that she’s unfaithful? Definitely call her on it! No one has the right to abuse your emotions. But at the same time, we teach people how to treat us. Whether it’s putting your foot down with a partner you’ve been with for awhile, or establishing what you absolutely won’t deal with in the future, you shouldn’t back down from the things you consider necessary.

7. Don’t let people make you negative.

There are a million people in this world who have nothing better to do than bring others down. The worst thing you can do is let them get you down!

This isn’t really limited to dating, of course, but there have been a number of haters in my dating history that made me feel terrible about who I was.

It’s important that you pick yourself back up and don’t let them to get to you again. Once they’ve shown that they’re a negative person, they’re likely to continue being negative.

8. Don’t give it up too easy.

I’m not judging those who have sex on a first date – in fact, I’ve been that person a few times in my life. But if you’re not at least making the other person work for it, you’re likely undervaluing yourself. You should make sure that the person you’re planning to have sex with thinks you’re at least worth making an effort for.

Why wouldn’t you be? After all, if we don’t think that it’s worth putting forth the effort behind having sex with someone, then we don’t really want to have sex with them – we just want to have sex in general. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

9. Don’t be inflexible.

It’s highly unlikely that someone is going to come along and magically be the answer to every problem. It happens in movies and sometimes in books, but generally speaking, people are flawed. We don’t want to expect perfection because we can’t deliver perfection in return. If someone doesn’t meet all of your criteria, but they cover all the basics (the things you really shouldn’t compromise on), why not give them a chance? Limiting yourself to just your “ideal preferences” could mean that you’re missing out on valuable new experiences.

10. Don’t be mean.

It should go without saying – if you want to be attractive to a partner, you should be nice. I don’t believe the idea that the “nice guys finish last”, and you shouldn’t either. Maybe it takes us a little longer to find someone, because we’ve been used by the wrong people too many times – but it should be more about the quality of your date than the quantity of dates you have. If you’re nicer, you’re more likely to attract people who are nicer.

Of course, this isn’t guaranteed. There are some mean people out there who will flock towards the nice girls with the intention of taking advantage of them – so it’s in your best interest to be able to weed them out from the people who are genuinely worth your time.

11. Don’t settle.

It might seem like this contradicts rule #9, but there is a big difference between being flexible and settling. When you’re flexible, you’re giving up on your preferences. When you settle, you’re giving up on your needs. Naturally it may be difficult to tell the difference between your needs and your wants, but if you care about your feelings (which you totally should) you need to figure out the differences and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.

12. Don’t rush into anything.

This one seems like it goes hand-in-hand with a few other rules here, and in some ways it does. But it’s important that you don’t get ahead of yourself when it comes to your dating life. Sure, the rush to find someone new after you’ve been hurt can be overwhelming – but it’s best if you don’t give into the temptation. If you take your time to know yourself before you begin trying to know a partner, you’ll be able to fully understand your wants and needs (#11), your style (#2), and who you really are (#1).

13. DO be your own true love.

Ladies, I can’t tell you how important it is to love yourself. While I don’t believe in the saying “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else”, the fact is that self-esteem issues rarely make you more attractive to someone (as the only people who are specifically attracted to confidence issues are those who plan to use it against you). You should learn how to love yourself, even if you aren’t able to do it before you begin a relationship.

One of the easiest ways to love yourself (if you’re struggling in this area) is to find something you’re really good at, and run with it. There’s always going to be something that you have a tremendous amount of skill at – but no one is perfect. There’s always room for improvement. Develop your skills; there’s nothing that’s quite as much of a confidence boost as being proud of yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to be proud of you, when you can begin being proud of yourself.

I understand that mental health issues may make this difficult for some women, and simply “loving yourself” isn’t going to fix your depression, anxiety, etc. Most mental illnesses are neurological in nature and a simple attitude change won’t make them go away entirely. But it’s an important first step on the long road to love and happiness.

There are a million possible comparisons to be made between the dating world and the job search world. Most of the time, people want someone who’s got experience – even if it’s not the most reasonable expectation. (Seriously though, why do you have to provide past work history for a self-proclaimed “entry level job?” It doesn’t make any sense. But I digress.)

When we translate that to our hunt for Ms. Right, there are bound to people who have continuous bad luck.

Sometimes, it’s a lack of properly applying themselves – such as, they’re pursuing women who obviously aren’t interested in them, or they aren’t pursuing any women at all – but sometimes these things come from a place of serious, perpetual loneliness.

In fact, there’s actually a dedicated subforum on Reddit for “forever alone women”. What do all these women have in common? Well, there’s no singular answer here – most people have different experiences when it comes to dating, and lumping anyone into a single, generalized category without understanding the reasons they choose to label themselves as such would be ethically wrong.

Instead, we would like to take a look at the common reasons why women have claimed that they are “forever alone”.

She may have self-confidence issues.

We all know that a woman with self-confidence is sexy, as long as it doesn’t border on arrogance. However, for many women, self-confidence simply isn’t something that comes naturally.

This can be particularly true for women with weight problems, acne troubles, eating disorders, or other perceived “bad appearances”.

There are a million different reasons why a woman could have self-esteem problems, and generally, they’re all hurdles in the way of having a successful relationship.

If you are dating someone who has previously identified as “forever alone” due to problems with her appearance, it’s of great importance that you help her to realize she is so much more than her perceived imperfections.

Of course, it’s also a good idea to reassure her that you think she’s beautiful just the way she is – but don’t take it too hard if she has a hard time believing you.

Admittedly, even for someone who has done my fair share of dating (no big gaps for me!), the struggles we face in regards to our image of ourselves can be nearly crippling.

It can be difficult to grasp the idea of someone new finding us attractive, because we don’t find ourselves attractive. But for the women who love us, this challenging task can be quite rewarding as they begin to see a new self-esteem emerge, and their lady begins to love herself as she is.

She may have depression or mental health issues.

Mental health is a serious problem that can be hard to understand if you don’t face them yourself. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for someone with no experience (whether firsthand or through education) to understand what goes on in the mind of someone with a mental illness.

The most common mental health problems facing those who identify as “forever alone” are depression, social anxiety, and eating disorders. (I know, I already mentioned eating disorders – but it’s important to note that it isn’t an explicitly self-confidence related issue.

Eating disorders are a serious mental health concern that has the possibility to take a life.)

If you’re dating a woman who has identified (or suspected) mental health problems, one of the most important things to note is that you most likely cannot actually help her.

I understand the urge to try and do so, and usually that’s not a bad idea as long as it’s coming from a place of love and understanding – but unless you are an experienced counseling professional, it’s unlikely that you can do anything to actually solve the problems.

That’s not to say that you can’t be there for your lady friend (whether platonic or not) in regards to her mental health needs. The larger her support system is, the more likely it will be that she can have a safe and happy recovery process.

But unless she is also soliciting the help from someone specially trained to handle her mental health problems, they’re not likely to get better on their own.

She may have recently come out or transitioned.

For transwomen and newly-out (or not-yet-out) women, the idea of dating can be overwhelming. After all, this is a time of learning about ourselves, and to add the complications of learning about someone else can add more frustration and stress. The woman may be scared or lonely, or a combination of the two.

I know that not everyone is attracted to transwomen (and likewise the transmen who still consider themselves a part of the lesbian community, too), and not everyone is interested in the idea of being a “learning experience” for someone. But from the perspective of these marginalized women, it can be heartbreaking to receive rejections on these grounds.

Imagine: You’ve finally got the courage to be real to yourself, to face all your fears and be honest – and someone tells you that you’re somehow excluded still. It would hurt, wouldn’t it? This is something that transmen and transwomen deal with on a regular basis – and newly-out or still-closeted lesbians face their fair share of it, too.

I’m not saying they should be treated as novelties, or that you should ask them out just to avoid being discriminatory, but if you are genuinely attracted to a woman – you shouldn’t let something as silly as her birth-sex or her previous romantic history keep you from pursuing it. Just make sure you’re being a good ally when you do.

She could be bisexual.

Something that’s always baffled me was that bisexual women are stigmatized as having twice as many potential partners, because they pursue both males and females, and the assumption is that they do so equally. However, the reality is that’s not often the case.

Many bisexual women are ostracized from both the lesbian community as well as the heterosexual community, leaving themselves nowhere else to turn but to other bisexuals – and even then, it’s not guaranteed. In fact, famous bisexual actress Megan Fox was quoted as saying she wouldn’t date another bisexual – only straight men and lesbians.

While she openly acknowledges the hypocrisy in that statement, her opinion isn’t that uncommon. Many lesbians will refuse to date a bisexual woman, strictly for the fact that she may have previously had sex with men and may again in the future. We may ignore the fact that most bisexuals are completely capable of monogamy, just as there are monosexuals who are incapable of remaining faithful. It all boils down to the person, not their preferences.

We’d like to think that it’s only the lesbian community that discriminates against bisexuals – after all, it’s one of the most popularized straight male fantasies to have a bisexual woman (or two) join them in bed. It’s the reason why “lesbian porn” is so popularized in the heterosexual community, and it contributes to some of the stigmas involving women and the implication of their sexual value. But, an unfortunate fact remains: Many straight men are also intimidated by the idea of having a bisexual girlfriend. This stems from the underlying myth that bisexual women are inherently less faithful.

If you’re interested in a woman, and her bisexuality brings to question the attraction you have for her, keep in mind that you’re likely not the only person to respond to her in that way. Of course, no one can impose equality on your preferences, but you may be limiting yourself and potentially ignoring the love of your life. (Hey, not every woman is the one – but you’ll never know if you don’t give her the chance.)

She could be submersed in her work/school/hobbies.

I understand that these can be three very separate implications, but sometimes, it’s not as important for a woman to pursue a relationship. In fact, it’s actually unhealthy psychologically to make the search for love your main focus in life. But sometimes, a woman who has dedicated a great deal of her time to being the best she can at something not-so-romantic may discover later that they missed out on a lot of opportunities, and choose to pursue romance.

In the cases of work and school being prioritized, these women are often successful and independent, making them great partners for someone else who is successful and independent. But that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically going to be good at being in a relationship, especially if they’ve never been involved with someone before.

For women who put their hobbies first, there is an assumption that these girls would be “nerdy”. But what’s so wrong with nerdy girls, anyway? They have passion and drive, they do the things they like, and they don’t let society dictate their interests. Sounds a lot like good girlfriend material, right?

If you’re interested in a woman who has been too busy to chase women in the past (or to allow anyone to enter her life), it’s important that you be patient with her. After all, entering the dating scene later in life can be really hard. This is true even without a slew of rejections. But if you reject her just because she focused on her non-romantic life first, you’re telling her that it’s too late – and we believe it’s never too late to find love.

She might just suck (as a partner).

Hey, there’s not always an explanation for why a woman could be perpetually single. There’s a chance that she’s just not a good partner, and she carries a reputation for it. In these cases, your hesitation to pursue may be completely warranted.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s fair, though.

If this information seems conflicting, it’s important that you realize that a large part of the human growth process involves learning from our past mistakes and making changes in our life – and sometimes, bad past relationships make for better future relationships. This isn’t guaranteed, but it’s always an option.

If you specifically seek out a woman with a bad reputation “for the challenge”, you may be setting yourself up for failure – but in other situations, it’s entirely possible that the woman you’re chasing after has made fundamental changes in her life since her last partner, and the experiences of what doesn’t work in a relationship may have educated her on the finer points of romantic interaction. Again, it’s not guaranteed, but it’s not a miniscule possibility, either.

It could be something else entirely.

There’s no cut-and-dry list of reasons why some women aren’t successful in their relationships. Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s someone else – but it’s important to remember that it’s not always her fault.

If you’re thinking of asking a woman out, and the only reason why you’re not doing it is because she’s been single for a while – is it really that important to you? Give her a chance; you could be exactly the person she needed in her life to overcome her Forever Alone status.

Take care, and be good to each other!

Women with confidence and power are often seen as a threat to others. It’s not that we necessarily mean to be a threat, but for most of history, women have been seen as “lesser” humans. Of course, there are movements seeking to change that, and we’ve come a long way – but that doesn’t mean the fight is over.

Even in the lesbian community, smart, independent women often have a hard time finding their true love. Part of this is because of the way society views us, but part of it is internal. After all, sometimes we’re our own worst enemies.

So why do strong, intelligent women have such a hard time finding love? Here are a few reasons.

Too Smart for Love

Our logical brains and our emotional brains are often at war with each other, just under the surface. Logic is the natural enemy of emotion, after all, even though there are definitely smart women who are highly emotional (both in positive ways as well as negative ways). If a woman is truly intelligent, she’ll inwardly know that falling in love is a huge risk.

Smart women don’t take unnecessary risks – and sometimes love falls in this category.

When we evaluate the potential output for love, we might find that the chances of it going badly are much greater than the chances of it going well – after all, most relationships end, right? For women who may over-think things and build up their anxiety (an unfortunate side effect of intelligence), we may dwell on the possibility of negatives and overlook the smaller possibility of positives.

Too Independent to Lean on Someone

Personally, I have been independent for much of my life. I started working under-the-table jobs at 12 years old, and transitioned to “real” work at 15. I’ve been pretty consistent with my employment since then, filling in any gaps with “my own thing” – odd jobs, self-employment, money-making opportunities…

Then, one day, someone comes along and now I’m not just responsible for me anymore. Now I have this other person I have to think about – and my love for self-sufficiency is hindered by my love for this woman. I’m not saying it’s bad to fall in love, but for those of us who are used to picking ourselves up by the bootstraps, the idea of someone else helping us up can be insulting.

We go from supporting ourselves to having a partnership. The businessperson in us says that you can’t ever rely on someone else to do “your job” for you – so we plan around the idea that we will have to do everything. Of course, this isn’t always the case – often your partner will actually help you. But we may avoid finding out if that is the case.

Too Much Thinking

I can’t say it enough: Anxiety is a byproduct of intelligence. We may think of every possible way that things could go wrong, and possibly even obsess over the scenarios where that would happen. In the dating world, there are millions of possible problems that we could encounter – and as smart women, we want to avoid any problems we can.

This might make us “skip” any opportunities that aren’t guaranteed.

As a hopeless romantic and an obsessive over-thinker, this is a bad combination for me, personally.

We want to believe in the fairy tale romance, and we want to feel it for ourselves. We want to find that magical spark that means we’ll be with our partner forever. But we might pick up on slight clues that aren’t really indicative of anything, and dwell on them to the point where they take over.

Because we are smart, we know it doesn’t make sense. But knowing it’s wrong doesn’t equate to putting an end to it.

Too Much Sharing

If we are used to leaning only on ourselves, it can be a game changer when we have to adjust to someone else leaning on us, too. We have invested x number of hours in our own success, and we expect the same from our partners – but that often means that we have to let them feed off of our success.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In most cases, our partners will probably be motivated by our success in the first place, and they will strive for it without intervention on our part. The human mind is designed to translate jealousy and feelings of inadequacy to a desire for positive changes.

Sometimes, however, that’s not what happens. Sometimes, we have higher expectations for our partners than they have for themselves, and this becomes draining. We want to motivate them to do better with their lives, and we become disappointed when they don’t want to do better on their own. We then put more of ourselves into the relationship, and they may be less motivated than they were before.

Our self-appointed position of encouraging success has a definite potential to be taken advantage of, and unfortunately, some partners will take advantage of it. There’s not a lot you can do to stop a partner from doing it except to stop helping them – which is hard if you’re truly in love with them. Smart women, of course, have already thought about this potential – and they may have put an end to it before it even started.

Too high of expectations

If we are smart and independent, we may expect that our partner also be smart and independent. When she’s not, we question why. While it’s never a good idea to compare your intelligence to your partner’s, it does sometimes happen unconsciously, and we may find that we fall above or below.

If your partner is “better” than you, you may doubt yourself. You may think there’s something wrong with you or that you don’t deserve them – which can lead to self-sacrifice if you feel that you owe them something. It’s important to remember that you don’t ever owe a partner anything – especially something that is impossible for you to attain.

If you are “better” than your partner, you might assume that it applies to more aspects than it actually does. Of course, no one wants to be cocky and arrogant (I’m generalizing here), but if there is a large difference in our intelligence and/or priorities, it may come naturally.

We may think things like “Well, I can’t force her to act like an adult.” While this usually comes from a good place, the thought itself is very negative. It implies that, if a woman is not as independent as we are, she must be childish. It’s definitely true sometimes – but that’s not your position to decide.

We may think, “It’s not her fault she’s not as smart as me.” While this, too, is coming from a good place, the delivery is wrong – there are so many different types of intelligence, after all, that it’s unlikely you will be smarter than your partner in every way – and to make a blanket assumption that you are is wrong on many levels.

We may even think, “I just wish she would apply herself.” Since we value learning as well as self-sufficiency, we assume that those who aren’t “at our level” aren’t trying hard enough. But this is an assumption, not necessarily the truth. It can be difficult for anyone to prove their efforts, and in many cases the woman may be trying as hard as she can – it’s not up to you to decide if she should try harder.

What can we learn from all this?

Smart women are always looking for a lesson. The truth is, love isn’t always about learning something – believe it or not! This is because knowing and doing are two different things. Most likely, we’re not actually learning anything new from our relationships (although there are always opportunities to learn and grow). If we focus on making a learning experience out of everything, we might miss out on the actual experience.

If we want to be successful in love without giving up our autonomy, it’s important that we allow the relationship to progress naturally. Let it be its own entity – but keep your own. Don’t invest everything you have into a relationship, because the likelihood of the relationship failing is enough to destroy you if it’s all you have. But you should be investing some into the relationship, or it’ll never grow.

The biggest thing here is to remember that you are independent – whether you act like it or not. This extends to your partner, as well. Just because she seems incapable of handling things on her own doesn’t mean that she needs you. Love is a luxury – if it’s not making you happy, you should walk away. And if you’re not making your partner happy, she has every right to walk away, too.

She knows about your weird things, and she’s into them.

1. Being around her is always fun, even when the situation isn’t.

Being with her turns all things into great things.

2. She knows about your weirdo shit and she’s into it.

She knows you watch The L Word over and over again while wearing a bathrobe and eating rice cakes, and she thinks it’s cute for some reason.

3. She’s consistently great to you.

If she makes you the most romantic dinner on Monday night, and doesn’t suddenly become nasty to you the following night just because you forgot to pick up a bottle of wine to bring to her friends’ place.

4. You know (and like) all her friends.

You’re friends with her friends and even if you’ve never met some of them, she talks about you all the time, so they feel like they know you.

5. She challenges you to be even more amazing.

You’re already the coolest and she knows that because that’s why you’re together, but she thinks you’re capable of even more than you think you’re capable of (and you know you’re capable of a lot, so that’s saying something.)

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6. She makes you feel like the most gorgeous human in the world.

Even on days when you definitely do not feel that way, she still makes you feel like Ellen Page would feel ugly standing next to you. How does she do that?! Oh, by genuinely believing you’re the most gorgeous human in the world? That’s cool.

7. She never picks up coffee without asking if you want her to grab you something too.

Same goes for “I’m at the supermarket” and “I’m at a store that sells kittens.”

8. She emails your mom any cute cat videos she finds because she knows she loves them.

Not just so she can get in good with you but because she genuinely thinks it would make her day. This gesture is actually cuter than any cat videos she could find.

9. She cares about your physical needs.

Even if you’re not sleeping together, she finds out you like neck kisses so she goes out of her way to deliver more neck kisses. Awesome.

10. She lets you take time for yourself.

You need time to work on your own projects and be with your friends or watch movies alone for hours? She gets that. She takes her time, you take yours, and then you get together and tell each other all about it (or not.)

11. She supports your dreams 100%.

Sometimes even more than you do because she knows you’re capable of doing anything you want to do. Whether it’s becoming the next T-Swift or running a 10K in the dead of winter, she’s into it, and she’ll make you snacks while you train.

12. She’s always crazy excited to see you.

And vice versa. Even if you just saw her yesterday.

Matchmaking is lots of fun. Pairing up your friends and watching the sparks fly is an awesome feeling and you get invited to all the occasions if everything goes according to plan. Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind on your quest to be a great matchmaker.

1. Do your research

Know exactly what your friends are looking for. Take into consideration the age range, career expectations, physical attributes and things like race, hobbies etc. getting this out of the way will make it easier to sift through your vast network for a perfect fit.

2. Manage expectations

The rule here is to over deliver. Promise as little as you can to get them to meet then let her say ” oh my gosh! You did not tell me she is so funny!” Point out anything that might be a significant flaw before the first date. Make sure to get pictures before you set them up.

3. Explain yourself

Explain how you know the person and how you met. Be clear to both of them that you are matchmaking. You won’t believe how many times girls will go along with your plans simply because they think you are the one doing the hunting. Make it clear you are not in the game and will be bowing out as soon as the game is won.

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4. Pick the right venue

Avoid movies and three hour dinners. The key here is to talk so think picnics with friends or a barbecue surrounded with socialites where they can sneak off into a corner and get to know each other.

5. Stay out

The only reason you should get involved after the first date is if there’s confusion. One is not sure but the other terribly likes the match. Apart from that stay clear and watch the magic unfold.