Tag Archives: girlfriend

Seven Perfect Ways to Propose

It’s almost the holiday season, and love is in the air!

You’ve been dating your girlfriend for a while, and you’re absolutely sure that she’s the one. All that’s left is to pop the question.


Treasure Hunt

Take her to the spot where you first met, and guide her step by step on a treasure hunt for items based on your memories together. For example, bury a copy of the first letter you ever left on her doorstep, or hide a box of your favorite photographs.

For the last step of the treasure hunt, lead her somewhere where all of your friends and family are waiting. Then get down on one knee.

Surprise Proposal – Lesbian


Musical Number

Using her favorite song, a song that has a lot of significance to your relationship, or an original composition, create a musical slideshow of photographs.

In the final photo, ask her to be your wife.

Best same sex proposal !!! (warning will make you cry)


Graduation Day

Graduation isn’t just about finishing college, it’s also about starting a new life, and graduation proposals are becoming increasingly popular. With the permission from the party organizers, plan a graduation party proposal that your girlfriend will remember – present her with a ring as her friends and family members cheer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP_JDU2Wm08

Commencement and emotional (Lesbian) Proposal 2015


Love Languages

Compose a song, poem or story for your girlfriend, incorporating inside jokes or words that only you two understand. Similarly, if you’ve traveled the world together or if you each come from different cultures, incorporate words, phrases and idioms from different languages. After all, is one language really enough to express how much you love her?

Lesbians Travel World: The Big Marriage Proposal in the Philippines


High on Love

Push her out of a plane. Not maliciously – do it during a skydiving trip. While you’re both twirling through the clouds, your friends will write “Will you marry me?” on the ground in large cutout letters so that your girlfriend can read it from the sky. When she lands, the question will knock her off her feet again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVoPrcalH40

Lesbian Marriage Proposal – Andie & Lucy 10-18-14


Rose Ceremony

Different colors of the same flower have different meanings. For example, pink roses mean gratitude while lavender roses signify enchantment.

Arrange an intimate rose ceremony with your closest friends and family. Each guest will read the meaning of the flower – “A pink rose for the gratitude your girlfriend feels for having you in her life” – and then hand it to your girlfriend. At the end of the ceremony, she’ll have a bouquet of roses, a heart full of love and a girlfriend who’s dropping down to one knee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYOOvhpnACg

Kisha’s Surprise Proposal (The Lesbian Edition)


BONUS: The couple in this video isn’t lesbian, but it’s still a wonderful idea.

If your girlfriend is a Disney enthusiast or a musical theatre nerd, enlist her friends to dress up as her favorite characters and sing. How can your girlfriend say no to a soulful rendition of “Kiss the Girl”?

A Disney Surprise Proposal (Stephanie and Casey)

 

9 Things That Make A Relationship ‘Healthy’

We talk a lot about how to have a healthy relationship here – but have you ever wished you had a handy checklist to see if your relationship passes the test? Even the most confident among us wouldn’t mind a reminder from time to time, and evaluating where you stand helps give you a roadmap to where you want to stand. This reflection also prompts you to celebrate and show gratitude for the things you’ve already got going for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s an important step in understanding your own personal truths.

We’ve gathered up 9 qualifiers for a “healthy relationship,” in no particular order. How many are already present in your life – and how many do you still need to work on?

1. You communicate purposefully.

It’s not about “letting thing slip out” versus keeping them to yourself – it’s about making a conscious effort to talk about what’s right and what’s wrong, in your relationships as well as your life as a whole. Your partner is there to support you through the good and the bad, so make sure you’re opening up to her. You make sure your words are supported by your body language, too, because you know that’s just as important.

Purposeful communication means that you aren’t shying away from the awkward or uncomfortable subjects. You’re talking about your relationship from the standpoint of trying to save it – so you’re going to talk about the things that need to change, and the things that need to stay exactly the same. Of course, you take your partner’s feelings into consideration, but you know that doesn’t mean denying your own.

But you’re communication isn’t all negative – it’s also heavy on the (sincere) compliments. Remember that we all need little reminders that things are OK, and your partner is no different. When she looks or smells nice, you tell her. When she’s opened your eyes to a situation you hadn’t considered, you thank her. When she doubts herself, you remind her how amazing she is. You make an effort to let her know that she is appreciated and loved, because she is.

2. Trust is implied.

You don’t feel the need to “ask for permission” before doing things – but you still check with her first. You trust each other’s discretion, and if something needs a quick answer, you’re both confident that your partner would make the same choice you’d make. If something needs clarification, you’re going to ask, because you know the answer is going to be the truth.

A relationship without trust isn’t a relationship at all – it’s a twisted manipulative game between two (or more) people. If the person you’re with doesn’t trust you, she’ll never be able to trust her own thoughts about you – regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. In fact, whether the mistrust is “insecurity” or “intuition” is really irrelevant. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you.

It’s important to explore those feelings of mistrust, but not as they pertain to your partner – rather, you should explore how they pertain to you. Does the mistrust come from something someone else did to you? Does it come from something you haven’t forgiven your partner for yet? Does it come from somewhere else entirely? Evaluate your feelings first, and then figure out how they fit into your relationship.

3. You have a selective-honesty policy.

Obviously, healthy relationships require honesty and trust – but that doesn’t mean that they need absolute honesty at all times. In fact, sometimes it’s better if you use a little honest discretion. That doesn’t mean covering your own tracks, but it does mean that you take the time to filter the information to keep your partner’s feelings intact. Does she really need to know that you can’t stand her mother, or can you suck it up for her happiness?

So, which topics do deserve full disclosure? Your own personal boundaries are going to come into play, but at a minimum, you need to be honest about your feelings for her, as well as your (romantic or sexual) feelings for others, unless she has specifically asked you not to. If you share financial responsibilities, you’ll need to be totally honest with that info, too. (Even if you don’t share finances, I recommend about 75% honesty – your partner may be willing and able to help you in certain situations.)

Everyone tells little white lies, though, so would it kill you to tell her she looks gorgeous when she has the flu? Probably not. She might not believe you, but it’ll probably make her smile (at least on the inside). And if you think her sister is annoying, definitely don’t be the one to bring it up. You never know what effects your words might have.

4. You have total respect for one another.

Respect is one of the bare minimums for a healthy relationship – whether romantic or not. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it’s almost impossible to do that with someone you don’t respect. If you can’t muster up the minimum of respect for your partner – or if she can’t show respect toward you – you need to move on before things get seriously ugly.

Respect for another person doesn’t always mean that you agree with everything they do and say. In fact, most people you respect will have ways that they disappoint you. But respect is the difference between embracing that difference of opinions, as opposed to blowing up and causing a scene. A relationship that’s lacking in respect is simply an “arrangement.”

Respecting your partner also entails appreciation, and you respect her by acknowledging the things she does for you (without making a big scene if she forgets to say “thank you” every now and then). We all have off-days, but rest assured that one bad mood doesn’t mean she’s suddenly lost her respect for you.

5. You generally make each other happy.

Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t be an emotional roller coaster. The trust and respect you have for each other should make you happy, at least most of the time. You’re going to have your bad days, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make you sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

What ratio of “good vs. bad” is right for you? Well, there’s no precise answer here. Relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and only you can decide how much of each you can handle. But a relationship that makes you sad, uncomfortable, or angry more often than it makes you happy is bad news.

You’re allowed to be annoyed with each other. It’s inevitable, actually, especially if you decide to live together. That doesn’t mean that your happiness is over – as long as you’re willing to talk through it and get back on the right path.

6. You have days where you can’t stand each other.

Every now and then, those rough days are going to be extra rough – especially if you’re cramped in the same small room for most of your free time. It’s completely normal to have days where you just want to be alone, and space doesn’t necessarily mean a break-up is on the horizon.

These rough patches may stretch on for days, weeks, or even months. They don’t happen all the time, though, and even if you mentally make a pros-and-cons list, you don’t want to leave long-term. Maybe for a day or two, but only so you can get your head on straight and work through the problems.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your relationship is give each other some space. There’s a romanticized idea about living your life together and not needing anyone else, but that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, people get on each other’s nerves – even if they’re completely in love with each other.

7. You’re comfortable doing your own thing.

While there are some people (ahem: film directors) who think that instant, immersive love is the most romantic kind… It’s not the most sustainable kind. Once you get past those initial butterflies and the corresponding lust, you’re going to mellow out and go back to doing your own thing. You have your own friends, and your own hobbies – you’re not attached at the hip.

One of the most important things about having a healthy relationship is that the rest of your relationships need to be healthy, too. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stress-inducing to spend time away from each other. In fact, it should be uncomfortable if you don’t spend time away from each other sometimes. (And, if it’s not uncomfortable to you, it’s safe to assume it’s uncomfortable for your partner.)

It’s so important to remember your individuality when you’re in a relationship. You’re not suddenly a half a person, just because you have a girlfriend. You’re the same whole person you were when you didn’t have her – but now you have someone to come home and tell your stories to. If you never do your own thing, you’ll never have your own stories.

8. You don’t shy away from confrontation.

Although fights can be uncomfortable, they show that you are passionate and invested when it comes to the relationship. You’re not going to let your partner walk all over you. That doesn’t mean you’re nagging about every little thing – it just means that you’re ready to stick up for yourself, and for your own happiness.

Aside from giving you an outlet to vent your frustrations, confronting a problem is the first step in fixing it – and when things have been bothering you for a while, you’ll wish you talked them out before you started to boil. Talking through the tough issues is one of the easiest ways to get around a problem.

Now, what happens if all you do is fight and argue? Of course, that’s not a good sign either, and if you feel like you’re fighting more than you can handle, you’re allowed to say so. Even the strongest love in the world isn’t worth the pain and agony of constant bickering.

9. You have boundaries, and you enforce them.

“We culture” is highly romanticized – but it’s important to remember that romanticized things are rarely actually romantic. That’s definitely true of giving up your autonomy, too. You are allowed (and encouraged) to set your own boundaries, and to regularly define them with your partner. It’s not healthy to put all of yourself into a relationship, and letting your partner know the things you won’t stand for gets rid of any confusion from the start.

Your boundaries might seem unloving, uncaring, or unsympathetic, but sometimes (read: “usually”) it’s important to think of yourself first. We’re a culture that’s been conditioned to think that other people’s opinions of us are the most important thing, but they’re not. We are our own “most important thing,” and the things that other people say don’t have to be a factor at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust or respect her. It just means that you respect and love yourself enough to know what you can’t handle, versus what you can – and you’re brave enough to draw that line in the sand. Now stick to it!


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3 Secrets About Attraction

Love and attraction might just be the most complex of all human emotions. It’s hard enough to understand your own attractions, but once you start trying to analyze other people’s… All bets are off. There are so many different opinions on the subject, just an hour of advice-article-searching can turn up dozens of tips. Do you play hard-to-get? Do you lay it all out on the table? Who has time to keep it all straight?

Well, scientists, apparently.

Turns out there have been studies done to help understand the rules of attraction a little better. While there are still a lot of mysteries to dig through, one thing’s for sure: Attraction is definitely a science and not an art.

Secret #1: Premarital sex is in our nature.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about just the LGBT community… I’m talking about humans as a species. A total of 34,909 American women (and 4,298 men) were polled through the National Survey of Family Growth, or NSFG. This survey asks questions about contraceptive, marital, childbearing, and sexual behaviors, and while it doesn’t explicitly ask about premarital sex, individual survey responses can be used to determine whether the person had premarital sex or not.

In a previous version of the study’s analysis had indicated that 85% of married, divorced, and widowed American women had sex before they were first married. After the 2002 results were added, Dr. Lawrence B. Finer, PhD, decided to analyze whether never-married women were just as likely to have premarital sex, and he found that they definitely were.

To read more about this study, check out the synopsis here.

Secret #2: Physical attractiveness is distracting.

I know, I know: We all knew this already. But did you know it’s actually been proven? In a study published in January 2016, scientists decided to have participants try a mentally-challenging task. The subjects were told to ignore the unrelated faces they were shown – but when an “attractive face” appeared, the participants weren’t able to focus on the task they were given.

The specifics of attraction are bound to vary from one person to the next, but their physical appearance is the thing that catches our eyes. From this information, the scientists gathered a selection of images. Half of the photos were digitally manipulated to be more conventionally attractive, while the other half was manipulated to be less attractive. They even analyzed eye tracking to see if the participants were looking at the parts of the photographs that had been retouched – and, in many cases, they were.

Although the study used all heterosexual-identified female participants, it’s still interesting to see how this information translates in the context of their experiment. If you’d like to read more about this particular study, check it out here.

Secret #3: Your voice changes when you talk to someone you find attractive.

Aside from the physical, many people are attracted to the sound of someone’s voice, and your voice will go lower when you’re talking to that person. (Interestingly enough, when you talk about something you’re excited about, your voice goes up – it’d be interesting to see how those details balance out when you talk to your crush about your hobbies…)

OK, so the voice change that happens when you talk to someone is basically common knowledge. Anyone who’s spent any time watching their friends flirt could probably figure this one out on their own, right? But, according to a November 2014 study, that new, lower-pitched voice is perceived as more attractive than the non-altered voice, consistently, by an unrelated third party.

The entire study is pretty interesting, actually, especially if you’re interested in the science of sound (I am). If you don’t feel like reading the summary, just know: Other people can tell when you use your “sexy voice,” and it’s probably working, too.


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18 ‘Subtle’ Ways She Tells You She’s Queer (Video)

What do you do if you are at a party and there is this woman you are really attracted to. You find her drop dead gorgeous, and you’re probably wondering if you have a shot. But how do you let her know you’re queer?

While the best way is to probably be direct, you sometimes just need to drop a subtle hint or too.

12 Signs That Your Relationship is Perfect the Way It Is

Have you been having doubts about how good your relationship really is? It might seem like you’re near the end of your rope, but in most cases, it’s normal to have some doubts. Why do you think so many people get “cold feet” on their wedding days? Humans are full of anxiety and FOMO and self-doubt. It sucks, but it’s in our nature.

If you want to see if your doubts are really something to be concerned about, read through our list of 12 good signs in your relationship. As long as your relationship has most of these things, you’re probably not so bad for each other.

You feel like you deserve each other.

You are worthy of everything you agree to – whether that’s good or bad. If you feel like you and your partner deserve to be in each other’s lives, chances are good that you do (in one way or another). That’s not necessarily a good thing, but when it goes hand-in-hand with other, more wonderful-on-their-own things, it’s an incredible feeling.

This one can be really hard for people who have been treated less-than-human by previous partners, but it’s true: You deserve the love, romance, and sex that you want in life. Even if you’ve never had it before. Even if you’ve had it in every relationship you’ve had. No matter what, you deserve to have the things you want.

If you don’t feel like you deserve each other, things might be a little more complicated. Doubts are self-fulfilling prophecies, if left alone, but confidence can be, too. Make sure you’re putting the right positive attention into your relationship, and don’t worry about whether other people think you’re good enough for each other.

Life, in general, is good.

We tend to overlook the ways that the areas of our lives intersect, but for some reason, when you’re happier in one area of your life, you’re happier in the other areas of your life, too. Practicing gratitude and showing appreciation for the things that others do for you can help. The happiest people are also able to give to others, without expecting anything in return.

When you’re happy with the rest of your life, you can really see whether your partner complements that happy life or not. After all, if your entire life is a mystery or a disaster, how do you know if your partner is still going to be right for you once you get your life together?

All too often, people think that an amazing relationship can fix a sad life. It can’t. In fact, negative thinking has a way of working its way into seemingly unrelated areas of our lives. First, worry about your own happiness and positivity – and then figure out how someone else fits into the equation.

You are equal partners.

Equality is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy relationship, and couples who don’t treat each other like teammates aren’t setting themselves up for happiness. Unequal relationships result in resentment, romantic friction, and hurt feelings all around. The happiest couples are the ones who learn how to share responsibility, love, and effort equally.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is split 50-50, though – even though it might sound like it is. Everyone has a particular dynamic that works better for them. In my relationship, I work more and my partner cleans more, and that works for us – but you’ll need to find an arrangement that works for you.

Being equal partners means respecting each other’s opinions, even when they don’t make sense to you. What would you want her to do if the situation was reversed? She’s not your child, and she’s not your parent. She’s your partner. Your teammate. Your lover. Treat her accordingly!

You learn new things together on a regular basis.

Curiosity is one of the purest joys in life, and the ability to take in new information is coded into our pleasure center. (Probably. I’ve never actually seen a study about this, but I know I feel happy when I learn something new.) It sounds cheesy, but knowledge really is power, and people with a love for learning are naturally happier.

But what if you don’t have a passion for learning new things? The idea of taking a class “for fun” doesn’t really sound appealing to most of us. Rest assured, though, your “learning” doesn’t have to be anything formal – even a weekly YouTube tutorial counts as “learning.” And, if you’re doing it with someone you love, it kinda feels more like a date, doesn’t it?

Learning something that you’re really interested in, and learning it with someone you’re really interested in, gives you an excuse to practice and study – and it helps you retain the information better, because you’re more engaged. Why not take a leap and try learning something new?

You take your health (and hers) seriously.

Your health is super important, but most of us don’t give it the attention it deserves. Healthy food isn’t that good, and good food isn’t that healthy, am I right? Of course, health is about more than what you eat – working out (which is a drag for many people – myself included), your sexual health, and your mental health are all super important, too.

No matter where you’re at in your personal health journey, you owe it to yourselves to talk about your goals with each other. It helps give you someone to stay accountable to, no matter how uncomfortable that accountability might be for you. It gives you someone to cheer you on when things get rough, and it gives you someone to reach for your goals right with you (if your goals are similar, that is.)

You don’t need to be marathon runners or professional athletes. You don’t need to become psychological professionals. You don’t need your own personal nutritionist or a personal trainer or even a scale, if you don’t want. Just set some achievable goals, and work together to make them happen.

You both strive to be the best versions of yourself.

I firmly believe that we’re all good people, somewhere on the inside. We all want to be good people, and we’ll generally do whatever we can to be that person. We’re human, though, so we screw it up sometimes.

That doesn’t mean we stop trying, though – healthy relationships mean that we own up to our mistakes and work toward improving things. You and your partner should understand the idea of forgiveness, and understand the difference between “a mistake” and a “bad habit.”

This desire to better yourself shouldn’t stop with just your relationship, though – life requires constant change, and if you’re not trying to be a better person, you’re settling for less than you deserve. The happiest partners don’t neglect the other areas in their lives – they just motivate each other to be the most balanced, amazing people they can possibly be.

She’s not your sun and sky.

Most romantic movies shove the idea of “immersive love” down our throats. Real love doesn’t work like that, though – once the initial infatuation falls away, it becomes clear that she’s really not everything. You did fine before her, and you will go on without her if you need to. She should complement your life, not complete it.

It’s unhealthy to invest everything you have into a single thing, whether that’s a person, a job, or even a passion you have. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and tomorrow isn’t promised – but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the time you do have. Happy couples aren’t fixated on “quality time” or “future plans,” as important as those things are, because they know that the little things are sometimes secretly the big things.

On the rough days, it might seem like she’s your whole world. But once the good times come back around (and they will), you’ll remember that you are your own world – she just happens to make it a little better.

You find each other attractive.

It might seem really, really shallow, but you need to find your partner attractive. Trust me. It makes a difference. It definitely shouldn’t be the only reason you’re together, but if you don’t think she looks good, the rest of the things that go along with a happy relationship are going to be a lot harder. (I swear, I know how this sounds, but it’s actually science.)

Does that mean that you have to be dressed up for each other every day? No. Does it mean that they have to love every outfit you own? Absolutely not. But a happy relationship revolves around attraction on a physical and emotional level. If it’s not there, the relationship isn’t, either.

It’s also important that you see your own beauty, because your self-image is so important to your overall confidence. If you’re not confident, you’re not happy – and we’re aiming for happy here, right? We all struggle some days, and having a partner who thinks you’re sexy however you are today can definitely ease the pain of a bad hair day.

Money isn’t really that big of a deal.

Most people give money more attention than it really deserves. (I’d like to pretend I’ve never fallen into that trap, but I have – so, so many times.) It’s hard to remember that money is really such a small portion of our lives, especially when we’re struggling to make ends meet… But, in the grand scheme of things, money really is just money.

Don’t get me wrong – paying your bills is important, and if you’re not able to do that, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on your life. Especially if you’re also trying hard to make a less-than-great relationship work out, too. But I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a better time fixing the issue if you focus on one. Is money really that important now? It probably never was.

When finances start to cause tension in the relationship, it might be tempting to fight and argue about it – but that’s not going to fix your problems. Take some time to calm down, and cut back in as many non-essential places as you can stand to. Then, you can approach the issue with less stress and a more level head. Your chances for a resolution are much better that way.

You’re stable, or at least working towards stability.

Life is a roller coaster, but your relationship shouldn’t be. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy, at least most of the time. That happiness doesn’t need to be an exciting fantasy every single day – it really is ok to take it slow sometimes.

“Comfortable” doesn’t have to mean “boring,” and the happiest couples know how to appreciate the comforts that their relationships offer. It’s not a yelling match or an all-day sex-fest. It’s a relationship, and that means that things can be a bit dull sometimes.

Just remember: Even celebrities have low-key, laid-back days sometimes. Do you think your life is more exciting than Ruby Rose’s life? I don’t think so.

The idea of abuse and manipulation are out of the question.

I’d like to think that everyone has a built-in filter that says that emotional, sexual, and physical abuse aren’t okay. Unfortunately, that’s not true – there are some people out there who think that’s all there is. People in abusive relationships might think that sticking around just shows how much they care, but it’s necessary that you care about yourself, first and foremost. You deserve so much better, and the right partner for you agrees.

No one deserves to be treated like they’re nothing. It doesn’t matter what you’ve ever done, or what you’ve ever thought about, or anything that could possibly make a difference here – abuse is abuse. A partner who truly cares about you would never say that something you did caused them to abuse you.

Let me say it one more time: There is no excuse for sexual, emotional, or physical violence within a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it was “provoked” – the right partner for you would never think it was okay to treat you that way.

You feel like it’s secretly perfect.

In the end, only you really know whether something is right for you or not – so how do you feel? Take some time to think about your relationship and how it affects your life. Does your partner bring you joy? Do you bring joy into her life, too? If you do, congratulations – your relationship is secretly amazing.

14 Signs You’re About to Get Dumped

I want to share a fun fact with you guys: I’ve been dumped a lot more times than I’ve dumped someone else. In some ways, it’s by choice – breaking up with someone is really, really hard for a people-pleaser. (I’m working on that, but that’s another story entirely.) But, unfortunately for my poor heart, I wasn’t pushing for it every time – some of those times, I was taken by surprise when whoever I was dating at the time used my own tricks against me.

(Yes, this list can also serve as a how-to article for getting someone else to break up with you, but I’ve got to advise you to not use it that way.)

In time, I stopped using my own little tricks, and learned how to break up with someone the way I wished someone else would have the decency to do to me. In some ways, it was good that I got to go through those things – it helped teach me what type of behavior to address in future relationships (if I actually wanted to work them out) and helped me see things coming ahead of time, to better prepare myself.

Now, what are those signs, and how should you handle them? Throughout all the breakups I’ve been through, here are 14 signs that are usually present before it happened. Keep in mind that none of these signs is absolutely true in all occasions – if your relationship only shows a couple, you can probably talk your way through them. Everyone has rough days sometimes. But if you keep noticing more and more, it might be a good idea to let go now – before things get worse for you.


Sign #1: She doesn’t seem to have any time for you anymore.

One of the easiest things to do when you aren’t really feeling it anymore is to simply take a step back – and that’s what many women do. If your girlfriend always has a reason why she can’t be with you, there’s a chance she no longer considers you a priority.


Sign #2: She’s slowly making herself less available to you.

It’s not always a complete disconnect – usually, the physical distance is gradual. It starts with a few flaky plans or noncommittal answers. It may be accidental, though, so make sure you talk to her about it before you assume the worst.


Sign #3: Even when she is there, she’s not really.

Even as she starts to pull her attention away from you, she’s likely to spend time with you, at least occasionally, to keep up appearances and go through the motions. But if it feels like she’s simply going through the motions, she probably is – don’t make excuses for being ignored.


Sign #4: You feel weird or off about spending time together.

Particularly if you’re used to dating people who aren’t really true about their intentions, it can be easy to read too much into your intuition. Realistically, though, your intuition is there to serve as a warning of a potential danger – it shouldn’t be completely ignored. At a minimum, you should be discussing your concerns with your partner.


Sign #5: Your dates become less special.

In the start of the relationship, it’s all flowers and fancy restaurants – but now you’re lucky if you go through the drive-through once a month. (Together, that is.) Not all dates need to be five-stars, but if there’s a marked lack of effort on her part, there’s a chance it’s intentional.


Sign #6: You only seem to go out in groups.

There’s a reason group dates work so well for new relationships: They help take the pressure off, by making quality time together nearly impossible. If the love (or lust) is still there, you might take off away from the crowd – but if she puts barriers in place to make sure it’s never just the two of you, take the hint. She doesn’t want it to be just the two of you.


Sign #7: She refuses to plan things with you ahead of time.

Whether it’s your sister’s wedding next year or a concert next month, she simply can’t commit to something that far ahead of time, and there’s a good reason: She’s not sure if you’ll still be together in that amount of time. Most of us have a general idea of what’s going on in our lives, and if it were something important for us, we’d make the time for it.


Sign #8: She won’t return your calls or texts.

Of course, you’ve got to use a little discretion here – there’s a huge difference between not texting back because she’s doing something super important and not texting back ever. If she cares about you, she’ll make a point to text you back when the timing is better for her, with a simplified reason why.


Sign #9: She starts using self-fulfilling break-up clichés.

Talk is cheap, but if you really listen to what your partner says, what is she really saying? Listen for things like “Maybe we’re just not right for each other,” “Maybe we’re just too different,” or “What if something happens between us?” You should also listen for blame-grabbing phrases such as “You can do better than me” as they mean basically the same thing as “It’s not you, it’s me.”


Sign #10: She never asks about your day.

Sometimes, we get too busy with life and forget to check in. But that’s not what this is. If your girlfriend always steers the conversation back towards herself, or if she acts like she doesn’t care about you… Believe her! Most people aren’t “acting” when they act self-centered.


Sign #11: She argues with you about everything.

Relationships are going to have disagreements – that’s a given. But pay attention to who brings up the concerns, and how frequently they happen. Does it seem like she has a criticism for everything you do and every opinion you have? Take note.


Sign #12: She gets defensive about your concerns.

If you try to have a civil discussion about your relationship needs that aren’t being fulfilled, how would your girlfriend react? If she denies, minimizes, or avoids acknowledging the things that are bothering you, she is trying to affirm that she’s the better person here – which means she’s not someone you need in your life.


Sign #13: She threatens to get violent with you.

First, let me say that a threat of violence doesn’t necessarily mean someone is planning to leave, but it does mean that you should get out of the relationship. However, in some cases, a partner may make threats (that she may or may not act on) in an effort to get you to leave her. In any case, it’s better to get out while the threat is still a threat and not a reality, if at all possible.


Sign #14: She says she’s not attracted to you anymore.

Physical attraction is one piece of the puzzle of love – but it’s a bigger piece than we give it credit for. The desire between you is undoubtedly going to go through phases, but the attraction should still remain. If she makes comments about your features that makes it clear she’s not attracted anymore – or worse, directly insults you – she’s probably doing it specifically to hurt you. Talk it through if you need to, but remember – your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. So, does she?

13 Signs Your Relationship is On the Right Track

Relationships are really, really hard work. Even when everything is going well, it’s still hard to keep your emotions in check sometimes. Things don’t really get any easier as you go, either – they just get a little more worth the effort.

Everyone has their own expectations of what makes a perfect relationship, but there are 13 signs that let you know that things are probably on the right track. Give yourself a pat on the back – you deserve it!

1. You can talk things out without fighting.

Every relationship has disagreements, but not all relationships can move through those disagreements. What makes the difference? Simply put, it’s whether you have the ability to talk about things without turning it into a battle or a competition.

2. You practice grace and forgiveness.

Two of the hardest-to-come-by virtues out there, grace and forgiveness give you peace with yourself and others. While we’re definitely not saying you should gloss over the big indiscretions, you need to accept that people make mistakes sometimes, and know how to move on from them.

3. You show each other love and kindness.

Most of us choose to identify as kind and loving – but we might forget to show it as much as we should. Happy relationships rely on love, affection, and a feeling of friendship between the partners. If you have that, you’re a lot closer than those who don’t.

4. You make each other laugh.

We’re all looking for someone who can make us laugh, but at some point we forget how important it is. I don’t think I personally know a single person who doesn’t list “a good sense of humor” as one of their main relationship priorities. Remember that the next time your girlfriend is annoying you with her cheesy impressions.

5. You use your differences to grow.

Everyone has differences – it’s one of the things that makes us so special as human beings. How you respond to those differences tells a lot about how compatible you really are, though. Do you use your differences against each other, or do you remember that you’re different people with different perspectives?

6. You make each other a priority.

You aren’t always going to be each other’s first priority, but you should always fall somewhere near the top of the other’s list. If you two make a point to spend time with each other all the time, and really focus on the time you do spend, you’re taking action to build your bond – good for you!

7. You serve each other without resentment.

There are mixed opinions on this particular subject – does someone deserve “wifey treatment” if they aren’t willing to actually be your wife? I think that this relies on a misunderstanding about serving your partner, though. It should never be an obligation, but rather something you choose to do for her. If you are happy to do things for her, and she is happy to do things for you, then you’ve got it good.

8. You care for yourselves and each other.

It’s all well and good to have a partner who wants to take care of you, but if one of you isn’t also interested in taking care of yourself, no amount of serving will help you. The best partners know that you can’t help someone out of a hole that you’re stuck in yourself. They take care of themselves, so that they can better take care of each other.

9. You don’t have secrets from each other.

Of course, being an individual implies a certain amount of privacy. I’m not talking about sharing every detail of everything. But the things you keep from your partner shouldn’t be the things they don’t want to hear – it should be the things that don’t concern them. She doesn’t need to know the contents of your e-mails, but she does deserve to know if any of them cross any lines.

10. You both admit your mistakes.

Admitting a problem is the first step in fixing it – so taking ownership of the mistakes you’ve made is the first step in working towards a solution. You two don’t fight over these mistakes, because you don’t try to deny that they happened.

11. You don’t keep score.

A little friendly competition is good for you – but that competition shouldn’t get in the way of your happy, healthy relationship. That means you need to let go of the things that happened in the past, and both try your best to prevent the mistakes from repeating. It also means you trust your partner to do what she said she was going to do, even if she occasionally doesn’t.

12. You support each other, in public and private.

It’s important to have a partner who supports the things you want to do with your life, and just as important to have a partner who’s willing to stick up for you when things get a little tense. If your partner cheers you on, even when others are booing, she’s a keeper.

13. You encourage each other to be your best selves.

I’m always really hesitant about including this as advice, because there’s a very thin line between “encouraging someone to reach their full potential” and “trying to turn someone into something they’re not”. For partners who are in support of the changes being made, however, it’s an incredible feeling to know that your girlfriend is on your team and wants great things to happen for you. Just make sure you’re doing the same for her, too.

New Study Reveals Binge Watching TV Is Good For Our Love Lives

A new study conducted by the University of Aberdeen has shown that couples who curl up on the sofa together and binge watch a box set can develop a closer emotional bond than those that don’t do this. The study has been written up into a research paper called ‘Let’s stay home and watch TV – The benefits of shared media use for close relationships.’ The paper suggests that couples can enhance interdependence by watching TV shows together and this is especially so if the couple do not have many mutual friends as this means they lack a shared social world. This basically means the couple build up a relationship together with the same TV characters and this compensates for not sharing the same social group.

Interdependence is a process called ‘self – expansion’ in which people incorporate aspects of their partner into their own personality, through common interests and friendships and the paper states:

 Self – expansion fosters closeness and feelings of love, and sharing a “fictional social world” can help couples with this process, leading romantic partners to identify as “an interdependent ‘we'”.

For example, when many LBGTQ individuals watched ‘The L Word’ we felt part of their lives and it was almost like Bette, Shane and co were really our friends. ‘Orange is the New Black’ is quoted in the paper when Piper says to her then boyfriend the night before she leaves for her prison sentence:

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me … that when I get out of here, we’re going to binge watch it, together, in bed, with take out.”

The paper continues to state that Piper’s longing to binge watch Mad Men with Larry can stem from a desire to restore this shared social identity when she gets out of prison as her time spent in prison will take her away from her sense of shared identity with her partner.

So girls, what are you waiting for? Get out the popcorn, choose your favourite TV show, snuggle into your boo and binge watch that box set for hours. After all, who are we to argue with the experts when we can improve our relationship with our loved one simply by watching TV together? Enjoy!

12 Compliments You Should Give Your Lady More Often

I love giving people compliments. It’s in my nature to be encouraging, I think, and I love the feeling I get when I see someone achieve the things they set their minds to. I don’t really know what it is, either – I guess some people just get joy from making other people happy.

(Secretly, I think we all do, but there are some people who will never admit it.)

There’s never really a bad time to make someone feel good about themselves, either. In some cases, a kind word can literally save someone’s life – the right words are very powerful. Even when it’s not a life-and-death scenario, giving compliments doesn’t cost anything and will give everyone involved a strong case of the warm fuzzies. Why not say something nice today?

“You’re amazing – don’t change.”

When someone is struggling with their self-image, or something else about themselves, sometimes they need a small reminder that they are already good enough. I don’t know too many people who don’t need to hear this one sometimes. (Just make sure you actually think the person is amazing – there’s no value in lying here.)

“You’re special to me.”

Most of us struggle with our self-worth from time to time, even if our confidence is otherwise pretty solid. Telling someone that they’re special to you not only shows your appreciation of the things that they do for you, but it also lets them know that they’re worth something to you. It might also help remind them that anyone who doesn’t think they’re special isn’t worth a second thought.

“I’m proud of you.”

This is one of my particular favorites, because of how it makes me feel when I hear it. If someone is feeling confused or defeated in their path in life, this can be the push they need. Knowing that someone is proud of them could make the difference between “I give up!” versus “Look what I did!”

“You look good.”

It might seem like a shallow compliment, relying solely on looks, and in many cases, that’s true. But if you have a loved one who’s been trying particularly hard to get in shape or get healthy, it acts as an acknowledgement of effort. Just knowing that someone else can see the progress made is a huge motivator.

“You are enough.”

This one comes particularly in handy when someone has been passed over for a job or a promotion, or been rejected by someone they cared about. Everyone is subject to occasional feelings of inadequacy, because the brain can’t differentiate between the things that we wanted, but didn’t get, as opposed to the things that we’ve lost. This is a gentle reminder that the status or achievement that they don’t have will not define them, in the past, present, or future.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Everyone likes feeling important, at least to some extent – and letting someone know that they’re an irreplaceable part of your life gives them importance beyond measure. It lets them know that you see them as a blessing, which is really a warm-fuzzy for both of you.

“You’re so skilled.”

It’s easy to get caught up in the things that we can’t do, and a “talent” mentality has a lot to do with it. By turning talents into skills, and reminding the person how much they’ve already improved, they’re more motivated to keep practicing. Very few people are born with “raw, natural talent” – for the rest of us, there’s dedication and practice.

“I appreciate you.”

It’s not only nice to feel appreciated – it’s necessary for our mental health and overall happiness. More people leave a relationship due to a lack of appreciation, directly or indirectly, than for any other reason. More people leave their jobs when they don’t think their boss appreciates them than any other reason. More people ditch friendships because they feel they’re being taken advantage than any other reason. Do you see a trend forming here?

A specific “thank you.”

Most people say “thank you” as a habitual response to an action, if they even say it at all. That doesn’t really show gratitude, though – so it’s important to cultivate better “thank you’s” in order to let the person know how you really feel. After all, you are grateful for this person, right?

“You are strong and brave.”

When people get scared, they tend to forget the progress they’ve already made. They freeze in fear and don’t know what steps to take next. Reminding them that they’ve already overcome so much will help encourage them to keep trying. They’ve gone through so much, and always came out on top eventually – so remind their inner warrior that they’ve got a 100% track record, and cheer them on.

“I believe in you.”

We (as humans) are more likely to give up on our goals, dreams, and plans if it feels like other people have given up on us, too. Even the strongest people will struggle if no one believes in them. Reminding someone that you believe in them is one of the easiest ways to encourage their continued awesomeness – and if it leads into a deeper conversation, even better.

“I love you.”

We don’t usually think of this one as a compliment, because we reserve it for specific people in our lives. Really, though, why can’t we love everyone in our lives? There are many different types of love, and they all deserve to be acknowledged. Remind your partner, your friends, and your family of the love you feel for them – and find a way to express your love toward strangers, too. Trust me – it helps.

How To Get Over Your Ex (For Real This Time)

When your ex breaks your heart, your first instinct is to buy a gallon of ice cream, curl up in a Snuggie and watch L Word reruns. But that’s so predictable. If you want to really get over her, you need to think outside of the box.


The Target Practice

  1. Collect the ugliest photos of her from your cell phone, her Facebook and her Instagram.
  2. Buy the largest dartboard you can find on the internet. Preferably the size of your entire room.
  3. Paste all of those photos to the dartboard.
  4. Throw darts until her face is full of holes,

The Nobel Prize

  1. Dig out your diary from middle school.
  2. Read these breakup poems.
  3. Use those poems as inspiration to write your own incredible breakup poems.
  4. Publish them in the New Yorker.
  5. Enjoy your newfound literary fame while your ex seethes in envy.

The Empty Stomach

  1. Cook their very favorite food.
  2. Upload a photo of it to Instagram.
  3. Watch your ex seethe in envy.
  4. Bonus: Buy out all of the ingredients from the grocery store so that your ex can’t cook this food.

The Alcohol Withdrawal

  1. Create a new alcoholic drink.
  2. Name it after your ex.
  3. Tell of the bartenders in town not to serve it to your ex.
  4. Victory.

The Taylor Swift

  1. Introduce Taylor Swift to your ex.
  2. Watch Taylor Swift and your ex have a swift but disastrous relationship.
  3. Wait for Taylor Swift to write a scathing song about your ex.
  4. Create a viral dance video to that song.
  5. Go on Ellen to demonstrate the dance.
  6. Date Ellen.

8 Creepy Things Women Are Tired of Hearing

Can we talk about creeps for a minute, please?

I pretty much grew up with the internet, so I’ve been exposed to almost every type of creep imaginable. I also spent some time as a party girl, and learned about a few more types of creep. Sometimes, these creeps are actively trying to convince you that you’re wrong about not wanting to sleep with them. Others are slightly less creepy, choosing instead to give you advice about your appearance or hobbies. (They’re still creeps, though, because it’s not really their business.)

How many of these things have you heard lately? Do you have any more to add? Let us know in the comments!

“How much do you weigh?” or “What size _____ do you wear?”

I’ll admit it: For the longest time, I had no idea why asking a woman what she weighed could be offensive. I’d always been a bit chubby, but I weighed more than I looked like I did. (Or, at least that’s what people told me when I responded to this question.) I was pretty happy with myself for a while.

That is, until I realized what they were really saying when they told me I carried it well. They were telling me, “You look nice… For a fat person.” And it hurts a bit. Over time, the “for a fat person” starts overhanging everything else, and it calls attention to something that may be a sensitive issue. Body image issues can turn into eating disorders if left unchecked – and once you go down that road, it’s a really, really tough path to recovery.

The problem here isn’t (necessarily) in the words you’re actually using, but in the fact that you’re assigning values to someone based on the answer they give. Whether you realize it or not, you’re implying that the person’s value is attached to an arbitrary number. Just don’t do it.

“Hey baby/sweetheart/love.”

Let me be really clear here. I love pet names. I absolutely adore them and have pet names for almost every person in my life. But when a stranger chooses to call me a pet name, it makes me cringe. Does this mean I’m a hypocrite? Not at all!

Pet names are meant to convey love and affection. It’s implied that calling someone by a pet name, rather than their real name, means you want to have an intimate relationship with them (whether physical or emotional). Sometimes it’s harmless, like the little old lady at your local diner – but when it comes from someone who could prove to be a threat, it turns the woman into an object to be doted on. Not exactly charming.

Instead of assigning a pet name (or any other nickname!) to someone you don’t know – anyone you don’t know – try asking their name instead. You might make a new friend, instead of being labelled the local creep.

“Well, someone’s hungry today.” Or “Are you really going to eat all that?”

There’s a lot of pressure on women to stay thin, for the convenience of others. (I will acknowledge that men face similar pressures, too, but they’re less likely to get flak about them from strangers.) Society likes thin women because they’re “more attractive,” never mind the fact that everyone has their own unique preferences for a partner. But, I digress.

With these pressures (and the added commentary), it’s no wonder that so many women have body image issues. When you add that to the fact that a stranger is literally talking about your food, as if what you put in your body is their business, makes it extra creepy.

Instead of talking about the food someone else is eating, how about just focusing on what you put in your body? Not everyone’s dietary and nutritional needs are the same, and not everybody cares. You have no right to place judgments on how much (or how little) another person is eating.

“You should smile more.”

This one sounds innocent enough, and it almost would be. Except that no one tells men to smile more. Women are told to smile more because they’re perceived as rough when they’re not smiling. They’re seen as aggressive and domineering, and sometimes even called ugly for it. Is it fair? Absolutely not. Does it happen every day? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

Why are we told to smile? Maybe it’s a judgment about how attractive we are. Maybe it’s a commentary that our (perceived) unhappiness makes someone else uncomfortable. In both cases, it’s a gentle nudge that reminds you that what someone else thinks is way more important than how you, as a woman, really feel.

Instead of telling someone they should smile more, you should naturally try to encourage them to smile. Nothing artificial here – just be a good person and a little bit less of a creep, and I’m sure she probably will smile more. Or not – it’s not her job to please you!

“How tall are you without your shoes?”

This one seems innocent, too, except that it seeks to categorize a person based on an arbitrary measurement. Height has nothing to do with your potential for love, success, and happiness, and it shouldn’t be used to determine your value in any of those areas.

It also (indirectly) attacks a woman’s fashion choices. The truth is, the shoes you wear are 100% your business. Who cares if they’re ballet flats, sneakers, rain boots, or platform stilettos? As long as you feel comfortable and confident in your shoes, your shoes are awesome. It literally doesn’t matter what shoes make you feel comfortable.

(That being said, if your work requests that you wear specific shoes for the job, I 100% advise you to either wear those shoes or find a different job… But that’s another subject entirely.)

“You should do something different with your hair/makeup/style.”

This one usually comes from someone who means well, but they miss the mark with their concern. Telling someone that the way they look isn’t good is never the nice thing to do, but for some reason, people think it’s okay to judge women for these choices. (Have you seen how those celebs going au naturel have been talked about? It’s disgusting.)

Clothing, hair, and makeup are all personal choices that help to reflect your personality, in whatever way you want it to. Changing the style because of someone else’s opinion won’t make you look better, because you look better when you’re comfortable and confident – and following the advice of someone who just made you feel bad about yourself isn’t the way to find confidence.

Can we all just agree that we’ll appreciate the style choices of others without trying to “correct” them? This isn’t a math test, it’s just how we want to look, okay?

“Is that your real hair color?”

Have you ever noticed that men don’t really get asked if their hair is its natural color? It took me longer than I’d like to admit to finally make the connection. Men don’t get asked because the question isn’t really about hair dye… It’s about pubes. This question is just the more PC version of “Does the carpet match the drapes?” (Which, by the way, is a super awful line and should never be used. Ever.)

I used to answer this one proudly. I’ve been dying my hair every color imaginable since I was 14 years old. (I’m naturally a platinum blonde, which thankfully takes color really, really well.) But people still ask if the color is obviously fake – purple-haired me got just as many creepy questions as brunette-haired me did.

Repeat after me: “Someone else’s genitals are none of my business unless they want to share them with me.” Okay? Okay.

“Your [insert clothing item or body part here] is distracting to me.”

We hear about this one a lot whenever the subject of school dress codes comes up. Girls are told that their shoulders, their bra straps, and the back of their legs are distracting. They are often pulled out of class and told to cover up – sometimes even sent home to change. This distraction from the student’s education is overlooked (because who likes smart girls, anyway?).

Sadly, that doesn’t really go away when you grow up, either. I remember my girlfriend’s mom telling me one time that I shouldn’t wear shorts when I go out because “it might give some old man a heart attack.” I’ve been told by random strangers that they could see my bra sticking out from under my tank top. I’ve overheard people talking about rape survivors as if their clothing choices were to blame for what happened to them.

Let me just clear this one up: If you are sexualizing someone else’s body, without their consent, it is not their fault that you find them distracting. It’s your own creepiness causing problems for you, and you should really look into that a bit before blaming the victims.

Does Being Single Beat Being Married?

Browsing the internet, I couldn’t have been more surprised when I read the headline “Being single beats being married.”

I immediately thought “Me, a 21 year-old gay woman, who has never even been in  relationship is going to write about the joys of being single…oh the irony!”

But as I am reading the article (you can find it here), I found myself actually second guessing serious relationships for the first time ever!

So come along and follow me as I share some of  my thoughts as I learn more about the undiscovered bliss of “singledom”.

Being single allows people to “live their best, most authentic and most meaningful life”

Well, that’s a promising start, right? According to the researcher Professor DePaulo, those who are single usually have a higher sense of personal growth and development. Well, as a long-time bachelorette, I fully agree with the statement! (Already changing my tune about being single this early into the article has to be a sign).

Also mentioned, is the fact that single people are more self-sufficient! Well, I can’t argue with that either, although I guess it really varies and there are definitely a lot to take into account when talking about self-sufficiency that isn’t necessarily related to one’s relationship status.

But how about the loneliness of single life?!

I know, I know, I sound slightly crazy, and it turns out I have been completely wrong! According to DePaulo, “Single people are more connected to parents, siblings, friends, neighbours, and coworkers than married people are, and when people marry, they become more insular.” Looking back, it does make sense to be more alienated from friends and family while married…I mean, we have all seen The L Word episode where Bette and Tina need an intervention!

“Scholars are learning more about the risks of putting too much relationship capital into The One.”

Another highly focused point is the negative effects of putting all expectations in a single person and consequently, in a single relationship. It has also been under study the psychological risks and benefits of marriage and long-term dating. According to this study, single people appear to be not only happier but also more satisfied with their life when compared to married people. So why are we still getting married? “Relentless celebration of marriage and coupling and weddings that I call matrimania” is the answer given by Professor DePaulo.

Although there’s still a lot to discover in this hot-topic, it’s undeniable that the results should bring on some conflict and critique since we still live in a society where, sometimes, marriage is seen as the ultimate goal; The “happy ending” we should all aspire to, regardless of how professionally successful we may be. When I first came across the article, I was sure I was going to disagree with everything said, especially being a hopeless romantic. But what if DePaulo is right? What if we are simply “better

off” being single?

However, I can confidently say that I can’t wait to be in a serious relationship! I really can’t! But when taking a deeper look into this study, it’s undeniably scary to even think about that! What about you, what do you think about marriage? I can’t wait to see everyone’s take on this subject, so comment away!


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Could It Be Easier For Women To Be In Lesbian Relationships?

In 1992 Natalie Brierley fell in love with a woman for the first time while living in Australia. After two years of being together her visa expired and she had to return back to the UK, but was determined to get back to Australia as soon as possible.

Natalie said:

 I was full of the excitement of my relationship and naively expected everyone to share my joy as well as my antipodean shiraz. What I got instead was a wall. Little by little, I gave up on my Aussie dream and resumed my heterosexual life, admittedly with fervour. I met my very wonderful husband and lived a blissfully happy life with our four children, moving to France four years ago. I was, as my friends would say, living the dream.”

But then things changed again for her when she met Cecile, a married French woman who lived nearby.

I remember my first kiss with Cécile. It was exciting, forbidden, incredible. All the feelings typical of a love affair. But I also felt a sense of relief. Relief that she was there, that she felt the same way as me and that 20 years since my first and last encounter with a woman, it felt as if I was where I should be.”

Then two years ago Natalie heard that her former girlfriend in Australia had died and she decided to go back to Australia and visit her old friends.

 It took me two days to react and when I did I cried and cried until I decided that I needed to go back to the other side of the world to see the people who filled that very important period of my life. It was there that I realised that I was crying not just for the loss of my friend, but for the loss of me. As happy as I was with my husband, I wanted me back.”

Upon her return to France Natalie decided to leave her husband and be with Cecile, the woman she was deeply in love with and she was surprised to see how much easier it was this time around after the reaction she had from people in 1992.

we’ve been warmly accepted but we have, even in our tiny locale, paved the way for others. There is now one more lesbian couple in our town; two more women brave enough to follow their hearts. Two more people who feel comfortable enough to be themselves. We are just part of the increasing percentage of women in same-sex relationships.”

This same acceptance however did not come from all her family and friends. Cecile has three children and Natalie has four but the reaction from Natalie’s father was not good. He told her:

Gay, what a horrible use of a word that once had a more pleasant connotation. You should both apologise to your partners for the hurt you have caused and, though trust will take forever to earn, put the family back at the top of your list of priorities.”

Natalie explains that both her and Cecile’s children were really understanding when they found out their mum’s had fallen in love. She said that they didn’t bat an eyelid and didn’t question the fact they were both women at all. This also reminded Natalie how different things were this time around for her.

 Love has moved on since my last same-sex experience.”

Now Natalie and Cecile are looking forward to the future and she is clear that she doesn’t really want to label herself:

I try not to define myself. I still don’t know if I’m a lesbian or if Cécile is just a wonderful rencontre. And though I’m inclined to go with the former, I don’t really care. I am, we are, Cécile and I and our seven children, in its “proper” sense of the word, thoroughly gay!”

How To Handle 9 Common Relationship Speed Bumps Like A Grown Ass Woman

I love talking about growth in a relationship. There’s something magical about the transformations that you go through between your teenage years and adulthood. These changes don’t happen at exactly the same time for everyone, and for some people they never happen – I’m sure you can think of a few people who still act like kids, even well into their 30s and 40s. (I’m related to a few.)

What’s even more magical is the fact that, sometimes, the most mature people I know are the ones who are bad at relationships. There are things that make us mature in all other aspects of our lives – such as keeping our emotions to ourselves – that don’t necessarily mean we’re a grown ass woman in our relationships.

Curious about how to treat your relationship with the maturity it deserves? Just follow these 9 simple tips.


Scenario #1: Your partner is too busy to answer your calls.

Immature response: The immature partner may feel insecure if their partner isn’t able to respond right away. She may worry that her partner is cheating on her, or that she’s moving on without even saying goodbye.

Mature response: The grown ass woman understands that her girlfriend’s phone doesn’t live in her hand, and sometimes there are more important things going on. She knows that not every little thing is “a sign” of something bad, and she’s not going to raise a fuss without something a little more concrete.


Scenario #2: Your partner falls behind on her share of the housework.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend might keep score about who does the dishes more often, and who forgot to fold the clothes when it was their turn to do the laundry. She holds onto these things in order to bring them up at a later date.

Mature response: The grown ass woman tries to see things from her girlfriend’s perspective first. She takes time to calm down so that her anger doesn’t get the better of her. Finally, she forgives her partner and remembers that there are more important things in life than the cleaning.


Scenario #3: Your partner wants to spend some time with her friends.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend immediately gets suspicious. She feels that her partner is trying to get away from her, and she may try to tag along, or to convince her girlfriend to just stay home instead. She’s worried that her partner will cheat with her attractive friends.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows exactly why her girlfriend has attractive friends, and also knows that it’s not a threat to her. She knows that friends are absolutely vital to happiness and that her girlfriend, who is also a grown ass woman, doesn’t need a babysitter.


Scenario #4: Your sex life starts to slow down.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may assume that her partner is losing interest in her. Whether she’s getting it somewhere else, or she’s simply disinterested, doesn’t really matter – and the immature girlfriend refuses to ask anyway.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows that sex isn’t always going to be the pinnacle of the relationship. She is, however, willing to negotiate when the mood doesn’t line up just right – such as giving her partner pleasure even when she’s not in the mood. (As long as her partner asks nicely, of course.)


Scenario #5: Your partner has an occasional bad attitude.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will take this bad attitude very personally, and may even react to it with anger. Best case scenario, she’ll dwell on it and worry about what it means for the relationship.

Mature response: A grown ass woman understands that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes, you’re on your period, or sick, or stressed out from work and/or school, but that doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person you love. Instead, the grown ass woman thanks her for putting up with her bad attitudes, too.


Scenario #6: You disagree about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may respond to differences with horror, anger, or insecurity. Differences are seen as polar, and are hard to work around. It seems like she’ll never find a partner she’s actually compatible with.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is flexible about the little things. She knows that she’s not always going to get her way, and that’s okay. She knows that differences are what make us human, and they’re worth celebrating – or, at the very least, respecting.


Scenario #7: Your partner needs time for herself.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will see this “alone time” as an immediate and urgent threat to the relationship. She may feel abandoned or neglected, and she may even question whether the alone time is actually being spent alone.

Mature response: A grown ass woman encourages her girlfriend to find her own independence. She values her own privacy, so she respects her partner’s privacy, too. Most of all, she knows that arguing while you’re angry is one of the fastest ways to say something you regret, so she would never deny her partner the ability to reflect in private first.


Scenario #8: Your partner has strong feelings about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may be disinterested if her partner is having problems that don’t have anything to do with her. If the problem does have something to do with her, she may become defensive. Either way, this scenario is bound to be awkward.

Mature response: A grown ass woman listens to her girlfriend’s complaints without judgment or assumptions. Then, when her partner is done airing her complaints, the mature girlfriend offers support and, only if requested, advice.


Scenario #9: Your partner makes more money than you do.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may feel jealous and insecure when her partner makes more money than her. Society teaches us that we need to be competitive with other women. When the “other woman” is someone you love, that competition gets really strange, really fast. I’ve known lesbians who have actually broken up with a woman because of income differences.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is inspired by other people’s success stories, and seeing her girlfriend succeed will motivate her to reach her own goals, too. She knows that her partner’s wins are also her wins, because they’re working to build an empire together – not just a way to pass the time.

17 Things You Should Probably Do More Often In Your Relationship

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships in my time in the dating scene, it’s definitely that there are few absolutes. You can date a ton of women who all love cats, and once you’ve collected a good assortment of cats from previous relationships, you’ll eventually end up with a woman who really doesn’t like them.

It’s pretty much like that with everything, too – we’re all different, and we’re all into different things. However, there are some general guidelines that pretty much cover any relationship, and talking about them can help keep things going on the right track.

Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about their problems until they’re already feeling the urge to walk away. This is so sad, because – at that point – it’s almost always too late. The good news is that, by simply talking about these standard expectations with your partner, you can set yourself up for happiness that may have been lacking from your previous relationships – and, you’ll fall into the habits that make good relationships great.

Curious to know what those general guidelines are? Whether you’re trying to maintain a happy relationship, or trying to help fix a troubled one, these 17 things are the biggest keys to your partner’s happiness with her. How many are you letting slip through the cracks?

1. Compliment her.

I know, I know. We’ve all got self-confidence, and self-confidence implies that you don’t need another person’s input to let you know your value. Still, you should compliment your girlfriend. Like, a lot. She deserves to hear that she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind.

2. Hang out with “couple friends”.

When we get into a relationship, we have a tendency to neglect our single friends. While we should make sure we’re not cutting them out of our lives (unless there’s a valid reason to do so), you’ll also want to hang out with other couples to do “couple things”. Double dates can be fun, and sometimes you can even get group discounts – score!

3. Remind her you care about her.

Most people want to feel cared about and appreciated in their relationships. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but trust me – those people need to be appreciated and cared about it, maybe even more than the rest of us. Remind your girlfriend how much she means to you, and she’s more likely to stick it out through your other mistakes. (Just remember, a good portion of “caring about her” is that you actually have to try to learn from your mistakes.)

4. Keep her secrets.

If I were to ask you if you respect your partner’s rights to privacy, I’m sure you’d say you do. But when’s the last time you talked about a fight you’d had with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend? When’s the last time you told your best friend about your sex life? All of these things are in direct conflict with your girlfriend’s private life staying private – so try to break the habit as soon as possible.

5. Watch romantic movies together.

Believe it or not, there’s actually an emotional benefit to watching those sappy, cheesy romantic movies. (Okay, maybe not the totally cheesy ones, but definitely the ones that sound interesting to you.) Then, after you’ve finished watching the movie, talk about what you watched! Did the relationship on screen make you think of your relationship, or of one you’d like to have? Why or why not?

6. Learn and grow together.

The happiest couples are the ones that take time to enrich their lives, both together and separately. Enroll in a cooking class, or take a trip out of town. Learning new things and having new experiences are paramount to a happy life, so why wouldn’t you want to share those things with your partner?

7. Talk about your day.

It might seem silly to talk about your day with your partner, especially if you already live together. But happy relationships thrive on both presence and storytelling, so your ability to relay the highs and lows of your day will bring you and your partner closer together. She wants to know what’s going on, but you’ll have to find the way that works best for the two of you.

8. Talk about the hard or embarrassing things, too.

Often, we feel tempted to leave out the things that we don’t want to talk about. Chances are pretty good that these are the real things your partner wants to know about, though – and your ability to discuss them will bring you even closer than all the small talk in the world ever could.

9. Focus on how we feel, as opposed to what she did (or didn’t do).

When we talk about problems in our relationship, it’s easier to lay the blame on someone else. But when you focus on what your partner did wrong, instead of how it made you feel, you’re setting yourself up for confrontation. Try phrasing your complaints as “I feel ____ because ____” and give your partner permission to respond the same way. This puts your emotions front and center, which makes it easier to keep them within your control.

10. Have fun with each other.

Couples who play around together are generally happier – but the type of play you do is up to you and your girlfriend. Some choose to play video games, others choose to play sports, and others like to get it all out with a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever works for you is the perfect play for you and your girlfriend – but first, you’ve got to discuss what it is.

11. Cook for each other, and with each other.

There’s something special about a home-cooked meal that will always be greater than going out to eat. However, most people don’t like feeling obligated to cook – so make sure you’re both giving it a go. Don’t just cook for her, either – every so often, make a date out of cooking dinner! Even if the recipe turns out terrible, at least you got to have fun in the process.

12. Encourage her.

It’s really easy to be a critic. We often criticize without even thinking, because people ought to know better than to take things personally. But she’s not “just being sensitive” if she’s upset by those criticisms – she needs to be encouraged, too. If all you do is put her down, even with the best of intentions, she’s not going to feel cared about and appreciated (and we already went over how important that is).

13. Compromise (without sacrificing).

Compromise is a particularly tricky area for most people. It’s hard to find the right balance between forcing our own way, versus giving up our autonomy completely. But if you want your relationship to last the long game, you’ll need to negotiate so that neither of you feels taken advantage of.

14. Cuddle with each other.

Even if you’re “not really a cuddler” (read: me, pre-2013), there are numerous psychological benefits attributed to cuddling with someone you care about. It boosts your overall mood, stimulates the production of oxytocin, and shows your partner you’re in it for the long haul. Aww.

15. Message her when you’re apart.

When you live with your partner, it can be really easy to dismiss that thing you wanted to tell her because you’ll see her in a few hours (or days) anyway. But why do we stop ourselves from sending those sweet “I was thinking about you” messages? They show her that she’s on your mind, even when she’s not in plain sight, and that’s something special.

16. Get fit together.

Most people could stand to get a little more exercise, but that same portion of people don’t really enjoy exercising. By drafting each other as your primary workout buddies, you increase your chances of following through with your goals – because you’ll both be actively engaged towards the same target, and can keep each other accountable. It might even make your workouts a little more fun!

17. Define yourselves (and your boundaries).

Finally, one of the things that can degrade a relationship over time is having too much closeness. I know, I’ve just spent the last however-long telling you about more things you need to do with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. You need to establish who you are separately, and define the things you’re uncomfortable with, separate from your partner – otherwise you’ll never truly understand how you work together.


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Why Are Modern Marriages So Hard to Maintain?

In a recent post published on the Independent, couple’s therapist Esther Perel (you can check it here), shared some insight on why modern marriage is so hard.

Instead of who will we marry being dependent on arrangements previously made, or even on our partner’s wealth, we get married due to a much more urgent reason.

In today’s society, we see a new trend of marriage – the romantic model of marriage. We are getting hitched more and more due to love, which is great, BUT why is the divorce rate still increasing?

Perel has a simple yet insightful explanation and has claimed:

Marrying because you are deeply attracted to someone and have fallen deeply in love with someone (…) are rather recent ideas.” 

She also added that along with the traits desired in a partner in traditional marriage such as companionship, family life, status; modern values have simply been added up to the traits we look for in a partner nowadays. In modern marriage, passion, love and romance also play a big role in marital life and, as Perel simply puts it, “We simply added more requirements to the mix.”

This marital overload will also show its effects on the couple’s sex life:

I don’t do it [have sex] because it’s part of marital duty. I do it because I feel like it and you feel like it and we feel like it at the same time and hopefully for  each other.”

This much pressure on a partner to fulfil not only the traditional marital “duties” imposed by traditional marriage but also to fulfil all the other person’s needs eventually leads to disappointment.

But Perel offers some advice:

Instead, it’s worth being aware that you’re placing so many demands on your partner — and that they might be equally demanding of you.”

She also adds that instead of looking for our spouses as someone in charge of our personal fulfilment, we should look for other sources such as friends and hobbies.

Another suggestion was communication. If the couple can communicate what they would like their partner to do (or not to do), our expectations are readjusted to match not only our partner’s needs but also our own.

What are your thoughts about this topic? Is modern marriage harder? Do we demand more or do we just know what we are looking for? Let us know in the comments!

7 Little Understood Rules That Lesbians Have In Relationships.

So many people have preconceptions regarding lesbian relationships and many think that we don’t have rules like hetro couples simply because we are two women. Well, let’s inform the misinformed and tell them the top rules that many of us gals follow when we are in a relationship.


We don’t define by gender

It’s very strange how many people believe that two women in a relationship take on certain gender roles. Just because one of us may dress more feminine doesn’t mean to say we ‘keep house’ or if one of us has an outside job we ‘change lightbulbs and fix the car.’ There are no automatic gender roles and most women do things jointly or do the things they are stronger at. It’s that simple.


Not all lesbian couples are made up of one butch and one femme

This misconception must be the most common. People always tend to believe that one woman must be the ‘man’ in the relationship and the other the ‘woman.’ What a load of rubbish. Although there are couples that define as the butch and femme roles, many do not. Some lesbians do not identify as butch or femme and it’s just as common for two butches or two femmes to be a partnership.


Sex toys do not have to dominate in the bedroom

Yet another silly idea people have. It seems that unless we are using penetration with a sex toy we are not getting pleasure or having real sex. Using sex toys in the bedroom is something only the couple decide between them and one of our rules is to decide between the two of us whether we wish to use sex toys or not. Sex can be great with or without sex toys and many lesbians choose not to use them in the bedroom.


We don’t have to have sex every night

Just because we are two women together it doesn’t mean we have sex every night. Most women have sex because they feel like it and if they don’t feel like it they don’t have sex. Just because this could cause a problem in a heterosexual relationship does not mean we play by those rules and we have sex when we both want it, it’s that simple.


Because we are two women together doesn’t mean to say we are settling down

Why people assume that because two women are in a relationship it means they are going to settle down and be together forever is a bit strange. All relationships take time to make decisions like that and there is no rule stating that because we are together doesn’t mean to say we are making massive commitments until we both feel ready.


Cheating is still cheating

If you are in a relationship with someone the same rules apply as they do with all other couples. Cheating is cheating and unless we are in an open relationship most of us will not be happy of our boo cheats on us. Apparently some people think that if a lesbian cheats with a man that doesn’t count as cheating. Well it does.


Threesomes don’t come as standard

Participating in threesomes is not something many lesbians do. Of course some women might do so, but it’s something that can only be agreed between the couple. It comes down to the idea that women need a man to have sex. Well we are sorry to disappoint the men out there but we have good sex without male participation and we are not usually up for sharing ourselves with another person.

So hopefully the people out there that struggle to understand that lesbians also have rules in their relationships this little list can put them all straight.

How To Handle Being Someone’s Unrequited Love

The worst feeling in the world is when you realize that the person you love will never love you back. But it feels almost as bad to be the object of someone else’s affection, and to have to break her heart when you tell her that you just don’t feel the same.


Remember that it’s not your fault.

It’s hard to tell someone that you’re not interested, and you might blame yourself for hurting her – or she might blame you. But it’s not your fault. She is completely responsible for her own feelings, so as long as you weren’t deliberately leading her on for your own amusement, don’t feel guilty.


Be honest.

Your first instinct might be to spare her feelings with a white lie, but you need to be honest. Even if the truth hurts. Don’t lie and say that you have feelings too, because that will either give her false hope or shackle you to a relationship that you don’t want, which will be excruciatingly painful in the long run.


Be direct.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t give excuses for why you cannot reciprocate her affections. Don’t send mixed messages. Don’t tell her that your affections might change in the future. And if you don’t feel the same way about her, don’t tell her that you’ll think about it, because that will only draw out the pain.


Ask her what she needs next.

If this person is your close friend, maybe she wants to continue being friends as if nothing happened. On the opposite end, maybe she needs to take a break from your friendship. If she asks for space, give her space. If she needs to completely remove you from her life – unfollowing your social media accounts and deleting your number – don’t take offense. Respect what she needs.


Don’t take advantage of her.

It’s easy to unwittingly take advantage of someone after she admit that she likes you. After all, her crush is flattering. Don’t blur the line between friendship and romance by doing things that could be confused as having affections for her, such as asking her on one-on-one outings or buying her meals. Don’t send her pictures fishing for compliments, flirt with her for fun, or ask her for special favors. It might seem harmless on your end, but you’re playing her like a toy.


Respect her privacy.

It’s okay to tell a few trusted friends what happened. After all, you might need to process your emotions. But don’t tell every single person you know. Don’t post it to social media, and resist the urge to subtweet.

You might feel bad for not returning someone’s feelings, but as long as you handle the situation tactfully, everything will be okay!

7 Reasons You Keep Dating The Wrong Women

For a really long time, I thought it was strange that I didn’t have “a type”. Everyone I knew had a type, and they were adamant about what traits their boyfriends and girlfriends had to have in order to catch their attention.

Then there was me – significantly less picky, and open to whatever new experiences were thrown my way. I had some pretty rough break-ups, sure, but each one of them was a learning experience in its own right. (Even if I didn’t really want to learn the lesson at hand.)

Meanwhile, my friends kept ending up with people who were basically the same. They ran into the same type of relationship problems with every relationship, it seemed, and even though they were happy on average, their relationship troubles took a toll on them. It took them ages to move on from those failed relationships, and then they’d be right back in the same place a few months later.

What were they doing wrong – and how can you avoid falling into the same traps?


1. They only dated within their “type”.

Okay, so maybe my lack of a type was working in my favor here. When you limit yourself to a specific “type”, you’re limiting your overall options, and completely ignoring the fact that you might be totally wrong. Since the vast majority of lasting relationships come from unexpected connections, falling in love is a lot easier if you don’t have a type.


2. Their “type” was just like them.

It’s easy to date someone you have a lot in common with. It’s easier to be happy in those relationships. They’re comfortable right off the bat, because it feels like you’re dating an extension of yourself. But over time, having too much in common with someone can be really, really boring. You can’t teach each other anything, because you already know all the same things. Yikes.


3. Their “type” was nothing like them.

As bad as it is to date someone exactly like yourself, it’s also not a good idea to date someone who’s completely different from you. We’re naturally attracted to people who are/have/can do things we aren’t/don’t/can’t, but that attraction is only temporary. It doesn’t take long at all before your brain is telling you how annoying, immature, or stressful that person is, because you have no common ground.


4. Their “type” consisted of physical characteristics.

I think when we’re younger, it’s easier to find the appeal of someone who’s highly attractive on a physical level. In fact, that might be the thing that initially catches your attention. But designing a perfect partner who looks exactly like an image in your head is a disaster – it’s far too specific, and that person probably doesn’t even exist.


5. They didn’t know their core values.

It seems like understanding your core values would be entirely separate from your love life, but in all reality, they’re pretty close. If you don’t know who you really are, you don’t know what you really want – you just know what you think you want. (And, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re probably wrong.)


6. They weren’t looking for a girlfriend.

Instead, they were looking for a wife or a fling or a friendship that might blossom into something more.

Looking for a wifey-type puts the wrong emphasis on the relationship, because you’re more likely to form a bond with someone without actually getting to know them better first. Then, once it falls apart, it’s devastating – and you don’t really even know why.

When you look for a fling, you’re being too noncommittal, and you’re often unwilling to take the steps to get to know each other.

Those who look for the “special friendship” might have a better shot than the others, but it often requires setting false expectations and a dishonest approach – both of which are better to avoid.


7. They weren’t learning anything.

One of the most important things you can gain from a breakup is a new perspective on life, and on yourself. When you process the issues that came up during your breakup, you’re finding a more effective way to protect your heart from future players and jerks – without pre-emptively placing your future boo in a box.


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Early Intimacy Vs Long Term Relationships Goals

Deciding when to have sex with the girl you’ve just started dating can be quite difficult.

How many dates should we have before we have sex? The first date, the third date, the sixth date?

The simplest answer is when you both feel ready, but if you and your new boo are the type of gals to have sex very early on then it’s a given you will both do it, but having sex too early on can actually be a bad thing.


Real Intimacy is not just sex

Having sex with someone is not the same as having an intimate relationship. Women often confuse these points. Real intimacy is having a close and deep relationship with someone and this takes more than a few dates. Sometimes it can be better to get to know someone first before having sex as the sex then cements your relationship and your closeness.


Good sex makes us think our relationship will last forever

Let’s say you have sex after the third date. And it’s amazing. Our minds then think we are onto something perfect. We ignore other ‘niggles’ if we are having multiple orgasms between the sheets. But what happens if you have nothing in common accept the good sex and you only discover that as the weeks or months go on? If you had waited and get to know her better first before the sex, you would have realised a lot quicker that you don’t really have a lot in common with her.


Sexual Chemistry at the start of a relationship can wear off

When we have good sex with someone we are really attracted to, we feel great and we go a bit gaga as our hormones start to release feel good chemicals into our bodies, you know, that so called ‘honeymoon period’?  But these chemicals wear off over time and that’s when the closeness you have with someone outside of the bedroom comes into play. The true depth of your relationship. But what if there isn’t any depth there at all? You both fancy each other like mad in the beginning and can’t get enough of each other, but when that starts to die down and wear off you might realise that without the physical attraction there isn’t much else about her that attracts you.


You think having sex means you are in a relationship.

Thinking like this is quite common. Sometimes us lesbians are in a bit of a rush to be in a relationship and so therefore will have sex quickly in order to feel they now have a partner. But a relationship is not just about sex. There has to be so much more. Similar interests, the same humour, enjoying the same activities to mention just a few things that are important. Sex doesn’t automatically mean you are in a relationship. Far from it. It just means you have an attraction to someone. There are also lots of women that just want sex and not a relationship as you will see in the next point.


Deep down you just want sex and not a relationship

This can be a problem. A big problem if the other woman thinks having sex means you want a relationship with her. All you are after is her body but she’s after something a bit deeper and meaningful. Not only can this cause someone unnecessary hurt it can also make you feel like a bit of a bitch. If you are only after sex, that’s fine, many women are happy just to have sex and nothing else, but make sure before you have sex with her she knows the score and she’s happy enough to be ‘a friend with benefits.’

If you look at the bigger picture, there are so many reasons to wait before having sex. At best, having sex early on can mean a few weeks or perhaps months of fun and passion but it’s very unlikely to lead to something deeper. Waiting and getting to know someone first, even if that takes a month or so, can save a lot of heartache and means that when you do eventually have sex there is a lot more substance to your relationship other than just having a good time between the sheets.


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The Lesbian Who Didn’t Fall For The Straight Girl

As a queer woman, I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard the “Lesbian falls for straight best friend” story. We have all heard it time and time again, and it seems to be a defining stepping stone; A sort of twisted angsty heart-break most queer women have lived through.

Except me.

I am in no way complaining though! It just seems odd to me how could I have missed such a fundamental step?

And it wasn’t until college that I truly understood why I didn’t fall for the straight girl. A reason so far-fetched and ludicrous that I second-guessed it for months before realising it was indeed a valid reason.

I love queer girls.

I love our culture, the fact that we probably watch the same tv-shows or listen to the same bands, or even the fact that we are crushing on the same celesbian!

And I guess that’s why straight girls never really got my baby dyke heart rushing. But guess what, it’s never too late, right? In the last couple years with lesbian culture becoming more and more mainstream, I found myself frequently asking myself “Do you have a crush on a straight girl or are you just thrown off by her shirt?” (what can I say, I could never resist a good flannel).

I guess the whole point of this very short confession is that it made me realise something, even as a teenager trying to figure out who I am.

Queer girls are beautiful. We are a vibrant, interesting community and I am so glad we have had our input in today’s society and pop-culture. At the end of the day, it also says a lot about one thing in particular: unlike the common stereotype, queer women have a kick-ass fashion style!

I mean, flannels are in, beanies, sneakers, snapbacks! Snapbacks! As a teenager, could I have predicted straight girls would wear snapbacks?! No! I am not in any way saying straight girls should act and dress a certain way, I am however saying that we were right all along.

So, what’s going to happen in the future? I am excited to find out, with or without a heart-break.


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18 Signs You’re In A Healthy Sexual Relationship

Are you and your girlfriend sexually compatible?

I know there might be a lot of debate on this topic, since no two people really have the same sexual needs and desires. There might be some overlap, but your specific interests are bound to differ. That’s just how things work.

But just because you and your partner don’t want the exact same things, doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have a healthy sex life. After all, compatibility is a lot more about compromising than it is about agreeing.

If you happen to notice these 18 things in your relationship(s), though, congratulations – you guys are doing it right.

1. Spending a few nights apart doesn’t mean your sex life is on pause.

Not when you’ve got dirty talking, naughty e-mails, and phone sex to hold you over. You two are comfortable enough with each other that you can talk each other through to an orgasm without the need to be face to face.

2. You know how to fix those boring spells.

I know, I know – no one wants to admit that their sex life gets a bit stale sometimes. But it does. For everyone. You know that doesn’t mean it’s over, though, and you quickly find a way to bring the spark back in – even if that just means opening the curtains while you’re getting busy.

3. You’re adventurous in life, too.

The two of you enjoy spending time together and sharing new experiences. You know that the more exciting your life outside of the bedroom is, the closer and more passionate you can be inside the bedroom. After all, sex is such a small part of our lives – why give it more credit than it deserves?

4. You have sex with the lights on, too.

Sure, not every time. But who can really be bothered to shut the lights off every single time? It’s much simpler for you two to just leave them on and follow your passions wherever they may go.

5. You tell her when you touch yourself.

Not only that, but you tell her how, and what you were thinking of when you did it (because, most likely, you were thinking of her anyway). You don’t share those stories with anyone else, because they’re sacred.

6. You talk about your past sexual experiences.

The two of you sit down and talk about the things you’ve done together in the past, and compare notes about what was most satisfying to whom. You love sharing your favorites, and you know they increase the chances of a repeat occurrence.

7. You make sure she’s satisfied.

You know that orgasming every time isn’t very likely, but you do check in periodically to make sure that your partner is satisfied, overall. You’d never judge each other for what is said during these talks, either.

8. You occasionally take one for the team.

Even if you’re not in the mood, you offer to pleasure your girlfriend instead. After all, giving her pleasure makes you happy – even if you’re not really feeling it. (But, of course, you’ve got to do it with enthusiasm, or it doesn’t count.)

9. You check out other people together.

You’re not threatened by who your partner looks at, and she’s not threatened by who you look at, because you both know where you’re going in the end. You can look all you want to, as long as you don’t touch (without asking).

10. You aren’t worried about her exes.

You know that what you have now is stronger than what they have now – and it doesn’t matter what they used to be. You are more current, and besides – you’re not in competition with this other woman. You know what you bring to the table and you’re confident you’ll keep bringing it.

11. You aren’t worried about her friends.

You’re not going to waste your time telling her she “can’t” be friends with certain people, unless they’re genuinely bad for her. You don’t care if they think she’s attractive because of course she is, but you know she’s not going to fall for their flattery.

12. If you do slip up and act jealous, your partner is flattered.

Hey, not all jealousy is based in insecurity, and your partner knows that it’s a good thing you got concerned. That means that you care about her and the instinct to protect your bond kicked in. Afterwards, she reassures you that you have nothing to worry about, and you two can laugh it off.

13. She brings you feelings of comfort.

When you watch a scary movie together, or you hear a creepy noise at night (anyone else live out on the countryside, or just me?), you reach for her, because she makes you feel safe. Even if she’s not exactly your knight in shining armor, she’s always there for you, and you trust her.

14. You can watch dirty movies together.

Whether you shot them yourselves or you rented them from the back room at the adult store, you can watch those movies together and picture each other in the positions on the screen. (And, of course, you know you’ll be trying those out later.)

15. You aren’t worried about how you look for sex.

You’re well aware that you’re not always a ten, but that doesn’t matter, because your partner likes having sex with you anyway. Whether you’re in a sexy costume or just sweat pants, your partner thinks you look incredible. (Besides, those clothes are about to come off anyway.)

16. You have pet names for each other in the bedroom.

Some people opt for the cutesy nicknames. Others like the hardcore humiliation names associated with bondage culture. Yet more people fall somewhere in between the two, with their own secret sex lingo. Maybe you’ve even come up with code words for your sexual activities that literally no one else understands. It doesn’t matter, though – it’s your own secret love language.

17. You’ve tried out some really weird positions.

In the spirit of expanding your horizons, you two have tried out some strange positions – either ones you read about here, or ones you tried to figure out from a porn, or maybe even something you made up yourself. Either way, your sex life isn’t complete until you’ve had one utterly failed sexual experiment – trust me.

18. You don’t mind the occasional fight.

You won’t run away from your problems, because what you have is too important to throw away. Maybe you even look forward to the fighting, because you know that there’s a solution right around the corner. No matter which it is for you, you know that make-up sex is basically the best thing ever, and it’s all yours just as soon as you work this out.

6 Simple Steps To Coming Out Later In Life

Coming out of the closet usually isn’t a one-step process; it takes a lot of self-discovery and planning to make sure everything goes smoothly. Of course, there’s never a guarantee that things are going to go smoothly, but women who come out later in life seem to have even more apprehensions.

It’s never easy to be the “late bloomer”. Humans are competitive by nature, so when someone else is seen further ahead of us, we become frustrated, and sometimes even depressed. When everyone else in our age group has already done the things we want to do, we start to feel like children (and that’s never fun). Truthfully, though, when it comes to coming out of the closet… You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. The process has already been well defined by every brave woman who’s gone before you.

Find your support group first.

I’m not necessarily talking about a therapy support group (although that might be the tribe for you). I’m just talking about a group of people who support you, and who you already know have favorable opinions of the queer community (or, at least their opinions aren’t negative). Ideally, at least a few of those people should be in the LGBT community, too – that way, you can benefit from their experiences and their advice.

Your support group is going to be filled with the people who it would be easy to come out to. In time, as you come out to people, you’ll get more people in your support group. This is a good thing. Make sure you don’t shut yourself off from your local LGBT community – you still have a lot to learn from other people who have been in similar situations. You can even practice your “coming out speech” with them, if you’re concerned with that.

Having a support group isn’t going to magically fix everything, but it makes it a lot easier when you have a solid foundation.

Be proud of yourself.

Coming out takes a lot of courage, no matter how old and life-experienced you are when it happens. In fact, in some ways it’s harder the further along in life you are, because people have had more time to form their expectations about you. But your simple act of reading this article shows that you are strong and confident about who you are – and that means so much more than the opinions and expectations of others.

Now, something that’s often hard to hear in life: You have to start before you’re ready. The truth is, you’ll never be ready, and if you keep waiting until you know everything there is to know first… Well, I’m sorry to say, but you never will know everything. It’s impossible.

Your journey has just begun, but that’s the hardest part.

Take things at a pace that works for you.

If you want to take things slow, take things slow. No one “needs” to know what you have to tell them, even if they think they “deserve” to know. You’re going to learn as you go. There really isn’t a definitive “how-to” guide out there because there are so many right ways to do things. There is no one-size-fits-all plan and no one really knows what they’re doing until after they’ve done it.

Likewise, though, if you want to take things quickly, take things quickly! Your confidence and courage is inspiring, and you shouldn’t let anyone else dull that fire. You aren’t coming out to make other people more at ease, so in all honesty it doesn’t really matter if you being gay makes them uncomfortable. We come out to put ourselves at ease and make ourselves more comfortable.

This is your journey, not theirs.

Be prepared for some uncomfortable conversations.

For some unknown reason, when someone comes out, other people see it as an open invitation to ask intrusive questions. Some people will even make off-handed remarks that can be really surprising, if you’ve never discussed those topics before. You can’t always predict who’s going to be an ally and who’s going to be a homophobe, but please try to judge whether or not it would be unsafe for you to come out before you do.

I strongly encourage you to practice some responses to the most common questions, like these thirteen or these ten things. However, it’s also important to realize that you don’t owe anyone an answer simply because they asked. You’re in charge of what information they know about you. (Oh, and try not to take the questions too personally – they’re usually coming from a harmless, ignorant place.)

When the questions start to dig too deep, a polite reminder about personal boundaries may be necessary.

You get to decide your boundaries.

You are not required to indulge in conversation with bigots – even if those bigots are related to you. When people start asking personal questions or making rude statements, it’s best to disarm them. This is one of the reasons we come out in the first place – so that others can’t use our orientation against us. (I mean, if it’s not a secret, they can’t spill the secret, right?)

If being out at work or around family is risky, it’s completely okay to keep your orientation secret within those groups. We make a big fuss about coming out, but no one has the right to know. You come out for yourself. You don’t have to know all the answers, and neither do they.

No one knows everything about everything, even you.

Don’t take it too seriously.

Lastly, don’t forget that your sexuality is – at most – just a piece of who you are. We’re a bunch of neurotic monkeys trying to act like we’ve got our shit together – and I don’t think I know a single person who stopped learning new things about themselves. Your “new thing” just happens to be that you’re into women – but that doesn’t mean that everything before it was fake. (Unless, of course, it was – but only you can figure that one out.)

For women who come out later in life, it’s hard to start putting your own needs first. You’re so used to taking care of others that you don’t really know how to take care of yourself. It’s my biggest wish for you that you don’t stop at just coming out of the closet – that you use this same type of courage to learn even more about yourself.

This is only the beginning – there is still so much wonder ahead of you.

7 Difficult Truths About Lesbian Relationships

It can be amazing waking up next to the person you love more than anything in the morning. There’s no feeling like it. But there are some things that women in lesbian relationships have to deal with that hetros don’t really experience and that can make things harder for us.


When you tell people about your partner and get asked ‘who is the man?’

I know, right? This has to be the most outright, idiotic question that we get asked. There is no man. Period. We’re both women, get it? Apparently it’s hard for some people to understand a relationship can actually happen without a man playing a part in it.


Men trying to pull you both.

It seems that lesbians are fair game to some drunken men and they will think nothing of trying to take you home with them in order to become a legend amongst his friends. Usually an embarrassing put down in front of his friends does the trick as he quickly goes from legend to laughing stock in a matter of seconds.


The dreaded ‘exclusive’ and ‘dating’ words.

These words can so often become the biggest passion killer in the early phase of a relationship when you both argue, cry and talk about what these words mean to you both. Plus, the conversations will continue until the rules are firmly established. It’s really exhausting and can kill some relationships before they even get a chance to blossom.


Talking.

Boy, don’t us lesbians just love to talk to each other constantly? We ask each other what we are feeling, thinking, doing and what we mean and what we want on a daily basis. Communication is a fantastic thing but lesbians do tend to take the communication a step too far sometimes when no words are actually needed and a kiss would suffice.


The Sex disappears.

In the beginning we can barely keep our hands off of each other and then slowly the sex starts to disappear. It could be for many reasons but then both women start to feel too embarrassed or nervous to initiate sex so then the sex becomes even less and so the cycle begins.


Trying to play cool.

Why do we do this? What’s wrong with just being open and telling our boo that we are really into her and simply ask if she feels the same way? But we don’t. Instead both try to play it cool so we don’t appear too keen. Before we know it we’ve played it so cool and she’s suddenly become an ice maiden and no longer returns your calls.


When public displays of affection make others stare at you.

This has got to be the worst thing ever. All we want to do is stroll down the street holding hands and maybe share a kiss or a cuddle on a park bench once in a while, so why do we end up feeling like an exhibition in a zoo as people stare or shout at us? Let us just be a normal couple like millions of other couples. After all, we don’t stare and gawp at hetro couples so why do they do it to us?


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Why Some Women In The LGBTQ Community Struggle Finding A Term For Their Identity

There are many terms around that we in the LGBTQ community use to identify ourselves with – lesbian being the most common one.

But what exactly does lesbian even mean? Well, the specific definition of a lesbian is a female-identifying person who is attracted romantically or sexually to —primarily and usually only — other female-identifying people. And that doesn’t really apply to all women in same sex relationships.

The term lesbian assumes that both parties are female gender and are only attracted to the female sex. That simply doesn’t apply to everyone.

For example, a bisexual woman currently in a same sex relationship may not want to call herself a lesbian, but calling herself bisexual while with a woman can assume that she also has other relationships with men. Which is not always the case. Other women who call themselves lesbians and are only attracted to other women and identify as having a female gender identity sometimes don’t like bisexual or pansexual women calling themselves Lesbians.

It’s strange how people also set up unwritten rules that one has to fall under in order to use that specific term.

Some women call themselves gay. But this was always predominantly a term used to identify a man who is attracted to another man and some women feel that using the term gay is a cover-up for declaring themselves lesbians. It would be interesting to know what gay men feel about women using the term gay to identify themselves with. Do they think it is a term that belongs to them and women shouldn’t really use it?

And what about queer? The term queer held many negative connotations for a long time but recently it has become a very popular term that women who do not identify as heterosexual seem happy to use, especially if they don’t feel they fit under another specific term such as lesbian.

Recently some women have even taken to using the term Sapphic, which derives from Saphho, a poet from Ancient Greek times who lived on the island of Lesbos and wrote poetry about her love for other women. Lesbian became a term after the island of Lesbos where women had same sex relationships.

Another recent term is WLW – women loving women – and originally it was commonly used for women in the black lesbian community but now seems to be used by many, regardless of skin colour. These terms seem quite acceptable as they do not define women in any other way, accept that they have an attraction to other women.

So the great debate continues. Labels very rarely cover everyone or can be used universally. Personally I think that women should be able to use any term they are comfortable with and all women should accept other women from the LGBTQ community regardless of what term they wish to use to identify themselves with.



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How Do You Know If She’s Gay?

Sussing out if that hot chick you’ve got your eye on is gay or not is not as difficult as it sounds. Sometimes it’s easy enough to tell. Like she’s sporting a rainbow tattoo or dresses in the kind of way that you just know she’s gay. But not all women wear their sexuality, as such. I’m always getting told I don’t look like a lesbian. I dress quite femme, wear make-up and have long hair. But so do many other lesbian’s, right? The same can be said for straight women that have short buzzcuts and dresses quite tomboyish. It doesn’t mean they are gay either.

That famous thing called our gaydar doesn’t always work, does it? In fact, I’m not even sure that all queers even have a gaydar. My girlfriend can never tell if a woman is a lez. If I introduce her to a new friend I’ve made and I ask her later if she thinks she’s a lesbian she gets it wrong nearly all the time, so much so that now she won’t play and even take a guess! My gaydar is not too bad on the whole, but, that could just be because I’m naturally flirty and I soon suss out if a woman is gay or not depending on whether she harmlessly flirts back or not. Straight women don’t usually flirt with lez’s as a rule. Well, unless they’ve had a few too many G & T’s and their curious side is taking over!

So how can you tell then? Well, believe it or not, there are some clues to look out for.


Trust your gut reaction

Sometimes our instincts just tell us if someone is gay or not. It’s not the same as a gaydar, where you can tell automatically, but if you are eying a woman up and smiling at her and she responds and your instinct is saying ‘she’s sooooo gay’ trust in it. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, OK, you could get knocked back and be so embarrassed you don’t want to leave the house again, but that’s not very likely if she’s eyeballing you back and your guts tells you she’s a lez. The next time this happens, just go for it.


But, don’t jump to conclusions

This is so important. As I mentioned before a femme looking woman isn’t necessarily straight and a butch looking woman isn’t necessarily gay.  If you automatically assume someone’s sexuality just by what they are wearing you could end up missing out on something great, so, go back to clue one and try some eye contact, a sexy smile and some good old flirting and see what happens.


Look how she reacts around men

A big indicator girls. Does she flirt around men, touch their hand or shoulder, laugh at their jokes, give girlie pouts when men are talking to her? If yes, she’s probably straight. Take it from a flirt extraordinaire, I never flirt with men in the same way I flirt with women. I have quite a few straight male friends and we have our own ‘type’ of friendly flirting between us, but that’s not how I flirt with women at all. So spend a bit of time watching how she behaves around men and women. If she flirts the same with both she could be bi. But if she doesn’t flirt at all with women but goes a bit giggly or doey eyed around men, she’s a hetro.


Ask her outright

Shock, horror, ASK her? Yep, ask her. It’s not as hard as it seems, honestly. You could simply ask her if she fancies going for a drink with you one night, or catching a movie together. Word it so it’s obvious that you are asking her on a date. Those kind of questions are not what we normally say when we make a new friend. Or you could simply ask her if she likes women. Most women won’t take offence at this in any way. In fact, a few weeks ago one of my friends asked a woman outright if she liked women and she replied ‘no, but I’m flattered you think I’m attractive.’ The worst thing that could happen is you make a straight woman’s day and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?


How Growing Up Affects Your Friendships

Friends hold an entirely unique place in the social hierarchy. Unlike our coworkers, our family members, or our classmates, we’re entirely in control of who gets a position. There’s no formal structure for how often you need to talk, or how long you have to know each other first, or anything – they’re entirely subject to choices and circumstances.

Since friendships are entirely voluntary, they’re easy to put on the back burner when other, more important commitments come up. We have to work. We have to spend time with our family. We have to pay attention to our partner. Our friends, on the other hand, will understand if we’re not there. Their circumstances change over time, too, and they know we’re thinking about them.

Quite simply put, we neglect them because we can. And it feels pretty messed up to put it like that.


Friendships are vital to your happiness, according to an overwhelming number of studies.

Like, for example, this study on how to be happy. Or this study on the source of youth happiness. Even this Time article about happiness points to “spending time with friends” as being the key to true happiness. They’re also good for heart health and depression, and although having friends isn’t a cure or an alternative to medical treatment, it can increase your chances of getting through the rough times.

Yet, still, we put them on the back burner.


Our expectations for our friends stay mostly the same.

According to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, all friendships demand the same three key elements. You want your friends to be someone you can talk to, someone you can depend on, and someone whose company you can enjoy. In most cases, “someone you can spend time with” isn’t considered a necessary quantifier. “The expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change.”

Basically, this means that your life is going to change, and your friendships are probably going to change, too, but you’re still going to want the same basic things – no matter where in life you are.


Young adulthood is the best time to form friendships.

Not only are young adults more secure in themselves, but they’ve also got the most time for social interaction, on average (especially for young adults who go to college). There are less responsibilities than there were in high school, and still less than there will be after college. Since they’re finally aware of what their core values may be, they’re more likely to seek out friendships with people who share those values.

Likewise, the relationships get more complex and meaningful, as our friends are there to help us discover those things that matter to us. We’ve stopped trying to impress each other, and instead we’re focused on the person we can be. Statistically speaking, from the age of 20-24 years old, people will spend more time with their friends than at any other point in their lives. Our friends during this time will help us figure out who we really are – a desire that’s only deepened since graduation.


Then, at some point in our 20s, we develop a desire for freedom.

According to Rawlins, we start to develop a dual-edged desire for freedom. We want the freedom to be independent of our friends, our family, and our romantic partners. Yet, at the same time, we want freedom to lean on them when we need to. We move away from the people who mean so much to us, and then we try to keep the relationship alive across the distance (whether that relationship was romantic or platonic).

It may be the first time you live alone, and you need to get a “real job” to help pay for it. You can’t get by with part-time anymore. You tell your good friends about this new opportunity, and you wait for them to bless the opportunity, in a way.

“She’s essentially saying, ‘You’re free to go. Go there, do that, but if you need me I’ll be here for you,’” Rawlins explains. This is what we’re waiting for, every time – that permission to move on with our lives, without any hard feelings. Sometimes, it’s simply implied – we don’t have to ask our best friend for everything. After a while, we stop asking at all.


It gets easier to put off our friends.

In the second half of your 20s, and for a few decades after that, our friendships become a lot less of a priority. Work and family take a priority, and our friendships and personal hobbies start to fade into the background. The largest dropping-off period in your entire life happens right after you get married – isn’t that sad?

We no longer have time to spend with the “optional” people in our lives, because we’re too busy with the things that are “mandatory”. If a friend doesn’t happen to fall within our day-to-day routine, chances are slim that we’ll keep nurturing that friendship. However, our friendships with the other parents at our kids’ school, our coworkers, and that girl you run into at the coffee shop every week stay just a bit stronger, because we get to see these people on a more regular basis.


There are different types of friends.

When it comes to making friends, there are generally three different types of people, says Rawlins. Independent people, by nature, make friends easily throughout their day-to-day lives. They don’t have as many deep connections, but they are able to make a friendly acquaintance anytime they go places. They are usually outgoing.

Discerning people, on the other hand, don’t make friends as easily as independent people – but they form a much stronger bond with the friends they do make. They form long-term friendships that last well into adulthood, and they’d rather keep in touch with those friends than go out of their way to make new ones. Their bond is so strong that, if something were to happen to one of those long-term friendships, their social outlook would be devastated.

Rawlins says that the most flexible type of people are acquisitive. These people are able to keep in touch with their old friends, while also being able to make new friends. They may lean more one way or the other, but they tend to have more friends overall.

There are also different types of friendships, according to Rawlins. He says that a friendship can be defined as either active, dormant, or commemorative. Try to take a look at your personal friends list (not necessarily the one you keep on social media) and see which you can identify:

  • Active friendships are ones where the parties involved stay in touch regularly. They can offer each other emotional support, as well as asking for it, without things being weird. To some extent, they know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
  • Dormant friendships are built on history, but they may not have been nurtured in a while. You still consider this person a friend, even though you haven’t spoken to them in a while. If they suddenly called and asked you to meet up, you’d happily accept the offer and catch up as if no time had passed.
  • Commemorative friendships are merely a representation of a particular time in your life. These friendships are built on nostalgia, but you don’t really expect to talk with each other. If they messaged you out of the blue, things may be weird, because you’re not the same person you were when they were important to you – but you don’t want to let go of the memories, which you feel are attached to the friendship itself.

Social media keeps friendships alive, but only mechanically.

According to Rawlins, those commemorative friendships tend to be the people we add on social media, even though we really don’t care how their life is going. We have our mental image of them, and their social media posts showing that they’re someone else now “dilutes the magic” of their memory.

They’ve changed, and the person they are now is in competition with your mental association with them. Rawlins says that these friendships are best to let go of, because the basis of the friendship has already gone – at this point, you’re really just keeping tabs on one another.

For the dormant friendships, it lets us “be there for each other” without actually being there. We feel as if we’re just a few clicks away, and at a moment’s notice, we can exchange a few stories and build our relationships. Friendships based on storytelling aren’t necessarily bad, either – but they are a different type of friendship than those built on shared experiences.

Social media lets us distribute our attention evenly to all three types of friendships, as we interact with each other. Suddenly, the girl you took 7th grade Spanish class with, your ex-girlfriend, and your lifelong BFF all get the same amount of attention, and the same amount of insight into your life.

Since we’re “broadcasting” and “interacting”, instead of “sharing” and “listening,” it’s hard to maintain a satisfying relationship with just an online presence. We resist the human urge to get to know each other better, because we feel that everything we need to know is laid out right in front of us. We start to let go.


We stop relying on each other so much.

As time goes on, your longer-term friendships don’t need as much nurturing, because they’re already well-developed. We don’t need our friends as much, because we have other people in our lives who fill the voids. We have relaxed expectations from our friends, because we know that they’re still there for us, no matter what. The relationship takes a new turn as it becomes deeper than it was before.

Almost like magic, our friendships are now based on mutual understanding and agreement. You know that you’re there for each other in every way you can be – you don’t feel the need to say it. Your time spent together is great, but it’s more important to find a way to be there for each other that works for you.

(And, thankfully, it all balances out in the end. The friendships that last until you’re in retirement will be rewarded with all sorts of new time to spend together – and so many stories to catch up on!)

Everything You Don’t Know About Emotional Intelligence

Readers, I’ve got a bit of a confession: I didn’t really learn the greatest social skills as a kid. I was totally awkward, and I hung out with the same 3 or 4 kids all the time, because I didn’t really “get” the other kids. For a while I even self-diagnosed myself as autistic, before I realized how ridiculous that really was, coming from my pre-pubescent brain.

The truth is that I just wasn’t set up to be emotionally intelligent – my parents (and the schools) cared more about giving me the standard education that is sadly lacking in emotional skills. Unfortunately, it’s all too common of an occurrence, and if you don’t learn it early in life, your adult years can get really hard, really fast.

(As a side note, I’m not really sure if this is an epidemic in my generation, or if it just comes with the territory of being a younger human. I don’t really think I’ve been on the planet long enough to make that decision.)

If you’d like to get ahead of the curve and start learning about your own emotional intelligence (and how to improve it!), keep reading – we’re outlining the five key areas of the “mixed model”, as outlined by psychologist Daniel Goleman.

Key Area #1: Self-awareness.

One of the earliest steps in learning to improve your emotional intelligence is developing better self-awareness. Simply put, self-awareness is your ability to identify your own feelings, emotions, and capabilities. Self-awareness involves understanding when you need help, as opposed to when you can be self-reliant. Lastly, self-awareness means that you know your emotional triggers (regardless of whether you can control your response to them).

Thankfully, your self-awareness isn’t really that hard to cultivate. Start by keeping a journal of your emotions as they occur to you. I’m quite fond of the bullet journal method myself, but you may have a different method that works better for you. The specific method isn’t important – only the awareness.

You should also seek input from other people who know you well, because they may be able to tell you things you can’t see on your own. You might think you know yourself better than other people know you – and you’re probably right! – but still, hear them out. They have a different perspective, and if nothing else, will be able to confirm the things you’ve already discovered, and help you understand the way your actions come across to others.

Another common method of increasing your self-awareness is through meditation and mindfulness practice. I’ve actually just recently started meditating, and I can’t even tell you how much of a difference it’s made with my baseline stress and frustration methods – and it’s helping teach me how to process distractions a lot better, too. I’m telling you… It’s amazing.

Key Area #2: Self-management.

Now that we’ve dealt with your emotions, self-management describes your choice to keep those emotions from becoming disruptive. Believe it or not, we all have the ability to manage our emotions, but not everyone sticks with it long enough to make it work. Certain mental health conditions can make self-management more difficult, and in some cases maybe even impossible. In these cases, it’s best to speak with your doctor about adjusting your treatment plan as necessary.

One of the easiest ways to learn to control your emotional outbursts is to give yourself a physical shock. Pushing yourself to exercise, or giving yourself a little slap (see example) can work wonders, but not everyone is able to fully distract themselves in order to give the shock (and don’t have Cher nearby to do it for them). Don’t worry if you don’t think you’re ready for that yet – you can start by just repurposing your energy.

Most of the time, when we’re tempted to have an emotional response to something, the reasons we’re actually upset are going to tell us what we need to do to fix the problem. For example, if you’re mad that you keep losing your softball games, the productive solution would be to practice more. But first, you need to understand your own emotions – so, if you’re not ready for that yet, go back to Key Area #1 and brush up a little more.

Key Area #3: Motivation.

Motivation, by itself, is such a blanket term. Literally everyone is motivated by something. But, in Goleman’s model, “motivation” is used to mean self-motivation. People who are good at self-motivating like to do things for the joy of it, or simply because they were curious what would happen. They are motivated by the feeling of productivity, rather than the results of that productivity. Simply put, they have an inner drive.

Now, I’m going to level with you here. When I first started learning about self-motivation, I thought it was a bunch of garbage pushed to sell self-help books. After all, it’s in literally every self-help book I’ve ever read – even the very-industry-specific ones. However, once I started processing my own motivations and the things I wanted to get out of life, I understood that the things that motivate you are really just as important (if not more important) than the things you get out of a particular experience. And, it actually activates unique areas of your prefrontal cortex, which means that your motivation muscles get stronger over time.

To improve what motivates you, personally, you’ll need to do a personal inventory of your values. Your answers are going to be different than mine, different than your girlfriends, and probably completely different from everyone else’s on the planet. There are a few different methods you can use to figure out your own values, passions, and strengths – you’ll need to find the one that works best for you.

For me, a Passion Planner offers the perfect balance between my “need-to-do’s” and my “want-to-do’s”. While I understand that not everyone is a planner person, I would literally be lost without mine. (No, seriously – at any given time, there’s at least one sticky note in there with an address I need to GPS.) There’s no single system that works perfectly for everyone, though, so make sure you shop around before investing all your money in one.

The most important thing about evaluating your motivations and the person you want to become is that you need to start small. All too often, we find something that inspires or interests us, and we dive in head-first. This would be great, if humans weren’t easily overwhelmed. It’s a lot easier to start with small goals, so you build up your self-confidence (and self-awareness!) before moving onto more difficult tasks.

Key Area #4: Empathy.

We’ve dealt with pretty much everything that helps you from the inside – but empathy is about how you relate to others. Empaths are able to read the emotions of others, and process them before giving their response. This helps prevent conflict, because the person practicing empathy is taking the other person’s side of things into consideration before they say things, rather than after. You do need to have a pretty solid understanding of how human emotions work first, which is why we recommend starting with your own emotions.

Once you’ve mastered your own emotions, it’s time to shut the hell up and listen to people. The person’s position in life, relative to you or to anyone else, shouldn’t make a difference – everyone deserves respect and your judgments are most likely arbitrary. This is something that empathy will teach you over time, but until it sinks in, you’ll need to fake it.

Before you respond to someone else’s conflict, try to picture things from their perspective. Ask yourself if you’d still see it as a criticism if you were the one saying it instead of the one hearing it. Try to have a mental argument against yourself, to get a better grasp on why the other person feels the way they feel. In time, it’ll become second-nature, as long as you nurture it early on.

In order to develop your empathy, you’ll need to actually understand, and not just “know”. Catch yourself when you say the phrase “I know, but…” as this is almost always an indication that you don’t actually know what the other person is saying to you. Ask questions if you need something clarified, and do your best to treat everyone with an equal amount of respect – including yourself.

Key Area #5: Social Skills.

The final area is filled with the blanket term “social skills”. Social skills are the practical application of empathy, and included are such skills as negotiating, compromise, charm, persuasion, and conflict mediation. Since it’s such a broad group, there are a nearly-infinite number of ways to improve. Additionally, improving your other emotional intelligence areas will naturally increase your social skills, which sets you up for all the right perks in life.

Once we start looking into social skills, it’s not hard to see how your emotional intelligence pretty much determines how much success the rest of your life is going to see. It factors into all of your interpersonal relationships, including romantic, friendly, and even networking opportunities. Hopefully, now that you’ve seen how important it really is, you can start to consciously practice whenever the opportunity presents itself.

If you’re looking for just a slight leg up over the competition, there are some conscious improvements you can make to your social skills. Start by learning to identify your emotions before you deal with them. Then, once you’ve recognized the emotional trigger, find a way to relieve the negative feelings before you attempt a solution. In some cases, the emotion itself was the entire problem – in which case, congrats – you’re done with that conflict!

However, if calming down didn’t fully tackle the problem, you’ll need to be sure that you and the other person (or people) involved can agree on what the bigger problem really is. Make sure you offer mutually beneficial solutions – everyone loves a win-win situation, after all. (That’s literally what a win-win situation is.) Finally, whether you’re able to reach a fair compromise or not, be sure to end on a cooperative note. Let the other party or parties know that you’re working toward the same goals.

Why are social skills so important? Humans in general are predisposed to emotional outbursts – even when it’s against our best interest. (Spoiler alert: It’s almost always against our own interest.) But differences of opinion are often minor and only serve as distractions from your bigger goals in life. Ask yourself if you’ll remember this in five years, or even two weeks. If the answer to either is “no”, then it’s not an important issue now, either.

6 Signs Your Relationship Is Already Over

Don’t you wish there was some simple way to tell if someone was bad news on the first date, instead of having to wait for them to screw things up royally? Well, most likely, those signs were there, but you ignored them because you didn’t want to judge the other person “unfairly”. Sadly, all that happens when you ignore these red flags is… Well, you end up being the one treated badly. Things aren’t always as they seem… But sometimes, they’re exactly like they seem.


#1: She won’t make any concrete plans with you.

So, you might know that I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to planning. I like to have a plan (and a back-up plan) for pretty much everything. I know not everyone gets as “into” planning as I do, and that’s perfectly fine. But there’s a difference between “not being a planner” and “never planning dates ahead of time”.

If she’s always calling you at the last minute, or flaking on the plans she does make, she’s probably not really in it. Stuff happens sometimes. But the more you let it happen, the more it’s going to happen. If she also expects you to drop everything for her, while she refuses to make you a priority, you’re not her girlfriend – you’re her back-up plan.


#2: She talks shit about her exes.

We’ve all been through some stories in our relationships, I’m sure. I know I’ve had my fair share of drama, trauma, and even all-out insanity. But well-adjusted people don’t live in the past, whether it’s good or bad. They have processed the information, learned from it, and moved on with their lives. If your girlfriend is still hanging onto those old memories, she might not be over her ex, or the damage done.

From another perspective, think about how you’d feel if you were in her ex’s position. (Because, statistically speaking, you’re probably going to break up anyway.) Would you feel comfortable if she gave that type of information about you to someone she had just started dating? If the answer is no, it’s better to get out before she gets that information on you in the first place.


#3: You make jokes at your own expense.

Making disparaging remarks never really has a good place in a relationship, but when you’re making those remarks about yourself, things get extra complicated. Women try this because they’ve heard that humility is sexy, and it definitely can be. But it’s important to note the differences between being humble and being self-deprecating.

When you make a habit of disrespecting yourself, over time, you teach your partner that she doesn’t have to respect you, either. After all, we’re supposed to treat ourselves better than everyone else does, and even if you’re used to being stuck on the back burner, you don’t want to tell your partner you have no value. Even the most well-intended girlfriend can start to get disrespectful if you teach her that’s what you think you deserve.


#4: You always have to make the first move.

Listen… I understand that some women are just not that talkative. In fact, studies have actually shown that women don’t generally talk as much as we say they do. But if you’re always the one to send the first text, or the one to do the calling, you might want to start paying attention. You deserve to get a reasonable amount of effort, too.

I know it can be hard to assert your need for attention without sounding clingy. And, it can even seem petty – particularly if your partner has led you to believe you’re being petty. But the reality is that you are allowed to expect attention. You don’t have to keep a running tally to keep things exactly even, but if things are starting to get a bit one-sided, bring it up – or get ready to start packing.


#5: You don’t feel like a partner.

While we’re talking about things being one-sided, it’s important that you realize this translates to other areas of the relationship, too. Both partners need to be well invested before making any long-term commitments. Feel free to ask as many questions as you need to make sure your needs are being met.

Let’s look at this one a different way. Relationships are, basically, a business arrangement. Would you want to give up your 50% to a partner who wasn’t pulling their weight, or who you didn’t really know too well? Most likely, you wouldn’t – so don’t subject your (irreplaceable) heart to worse fates than your (replaceable) income.


#6: Your intuition is going haywire.

When our intuition starts acting up, it’s easy to write it off as being “our insecurities” and “our anxieties”. It’s easy to write them off, because we know they’re illogical… Right? But when someone is showing you signs that they’re not worth the time you’ve put into them, repeatedly, there’s a chance that you’re not just imagining things.

Our anxieties and insecurities, at their core, are designed to alert us of danger. Those insecurities aren’t always baseless, especially if your partner is relentlessly trying to convince you to ignore them. (Chances are good that her defensiveness is a clue in itself.) Your anxiety might not always be accurate, but it’s worth investigating – just in case it’s not all in your head.


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Fall Date Ideas For You And Your Girlfriend

Make your own pumpkin spice latte.

You could spend $5 at Starbucks, or you could brew a homemade, extra creamy pumpkin spice latte at home.

  1. In the fall, many grocery stores carry pumpkin spice teas. If it’s not on the shelves yet, order it from Amazon.
  2. Heat four cups of whole milk on the stove. When the milk begins to boil, turn off the stove and pour two steaming mugs of milk.
  3. Place one tea bag in each mug, and let it steep for 2-4 minutes. The milk will turn brown-orange.
  4. Stir in sugar to taste. For an extra kick of flavor, add whipped cream or chocolate chips.
  5. Enjoy!

Thrift for scarves.

The best part of thrift-shopping is finding unexpected treasures, and the best part of fall is bundling up in heavy scarves – combine the two to stay warm and fashionable! You get bonus points for finding a matching hat and gloves.


Knit your own socks.

Knitting may look like a complicated process of weaving and knotting, but it’s much easier than it looks (and some people say crochet is even easier than that). You and your girlfriend can snuggle up while learning to knit. You’ll get the hang of it in no time.

Yarn is super cheap, so experiment with bundles of different colors; you can buy rainbow yarn, ombré yarn, pattered yarn, blanket yarn, camel yarn, cobbler-colored yarn and even yarn that looks like an Istanbul mosaic.

Knitting a pair of socks may take up to a month, but if you’d rather crochet, that only takes a few hours.


Become a tea connoisseur.

Plain black tea gets boring fast. Have you tried honey lavender? Or ambrosia plum? Spiced apple chai is great with a dollop of honey and an extra sprinkle of cinnamon.

Buy a tea sampler of selections from around the world. Learn to brew Chinese tea the traditional way, savor the rooibos teas that are popular in South Africa, and make traditional Moroccan mint tea after dinner. If you buy a French press, you can make loose leaf teas and Argentinian mate.


Take a break at the beach.

This might seem counterintuitive – shouldn’t you celebrate autumn by leaping headfirst into a pile of leaves?

Yes. But after you’re done jumping in leaves, savor the last bits of summer by making a sandcastle. Head down to the coast with your girlfriend and several friends, and crack a cold drink while soaking up the sunshine. Split a plate of chili cheese fries. Wade in shirtless. You’ll be the only ones in your city with a September tan.

And afterward, go make yourself some pumpkin spice lattes.