Let’s be really honest with each other for a second. Relationships can be pretty hard. When you’re a member of the LGBT community, things can be even harder, because you’ve got to deal with extra pressure from society (and maybe even your own family). Coming out isn’t even an option for everyone, which adds its own issues, on top of everything else out there. Yet, amazingly, lesbians still end up in these tough relationships – the work is worth it. Humans are inherently social creatures, after all.

Looking to make your tough relationship just a little bit easier? Follow these 5 rules and you’ll find yourself well on your way.

Embrace your disagreements.

When things start to get rough, we may find ourselves tempted to just go straight into denial. Put the problem out of your mind, and it can’t bug you, right? But, realistically, that’s a poor way to handle your relationships. Denial is rarely the appropriate response to a stressful situation, at least in the long-term.

You are different people with different opinions and different histories. It’s completely understandable that you’re not going to agree all the time. You just need to know how to channel those disagreements into a better understanding of one another, instead of letting them tear you apart.

Learn about the past.

Any time it seems like the woman you’re dating is crazy, clingy, or needy, take a minute to think about what led her to that point. Sure, sometimes it’s just her personality – but most of the time, you’ll find that there were experiences that molded her into the person she is today. Take care not to repeat her ex’s mistakes, and your relationship is going to have a much more solid foundation.

You need to understand your own past, also – so make sure you’ve learned the lessons your past relationships were meant to teach you. No one is magically perfect in relationships, but you can make sure you get better every time.

Be a team.

Too many people take their relationships way too seriously. It’s good to have feelings for your partner and be attracted to her, but that’s not what your relationship is all about. You need to be conscious of each other, and you need to work together.

You can’t expect her to make unreasonable changes, either, especially if you aren’t willing to make changes for her. Relationships need balance and compromise – they don’t run on ideals and miracles. And it would be completely unfair for you to expect her to change just because you asked her to.

Slow things down.

There’s a stereotype that lesbians move way too fast (you know, the whole U-haul joke), but it’s actually recently been backed up by science. Chances are, your relationship is moving a lot faster than it needs to. Rushing into things is rarely sustainable, and things are going to fizzle out a bit eventually. Make sure you take the time to work on things even after the shine is gone.

This happens at a different point for everyone, but the sooner you recognize it and adjust your gameplan, the better off you’ll be. Just because there are some lulls in the relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship is over – it just means that things are a little harder for a while.

Talk more, listen more.

Now, time for some hard truth: Communication is more important than everything else put together. It makes the good things even better, and it makes the bad things a little easier to take. Your sex life will be much more fulfilling, and you’ll have the tools to keep minor frustrations from turning into major resentment.

It’s not just about talking, though – you and your partner need to be actively listening to one another, too. Honesty is an important part of the communication process, and you’ll need to make sure your talks are a safe space, free from judgment. That way, you feel more comfortable expressing the things you need and want, and she has time to explain her needs and wants, too. You’re not mind readers, so stop trying to pretend you are!

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The new girl you’ve been seeing is perfect! She sends you sweet text messages, she cooks dinner at your apartment, and she says that you two have something special – she’s the best girlfriend you could ever ask for.

Okay, maybe she’s not your “girlfriend”…and she doesn’t want to meet your friends…and she never sleeps over…but that doesn’t mean you’re her dirty little secret. That doesn’t mean she already has a girlfriend.

Right?

The warning signs:

1. She always comes to your dorm or apartment, but you’ve never seen the inside of hers.

2. If you have gone to her place, something seems off. Maybe the closet door is always closed (to hide her girlfriend’s clothing), or there are two types of shampoo in the shower, or the shoes by the door come in multiple sizes.

3. You always meet up at odd, very specific hours, usually during the day (when her girlfriend is at work) or late at night (when her girlfriend is asleep).

4. She never sleeps over. If she does sleep over, it’s very rare and it’s usually on weekends (when her girlfriend is out of town).

5. When you ask her about her relationship status, she’s shady. You don’t want to push it because you don’t want to seem clingy, but she never quite clarifies whether is or isn’t seeing someone else.

6. You’ve been seeing each other for a long time, but you’ve never met her friends. And she has never asked to meet yours.

7. She doesn’t take photos of you two together, not even on Snapchat. In fact, when you try to take photos, she hides her face or asks you to stop.

8. If you post something about the two of you to social media, she asks you to take it down.

9. You can’t follow her social media accounts. You’ve been hooking up for three months, but she still hasn’t accepted your Instagram request.

10. Most of your dates take place inside. In fact, most of your dates are Netflix and Chill.

11. When you two do go out in public, you go somewhere removed. She doesn’t take you to the popular café where most people your age hang out – she takes you somewhere across town, or outside the city limits. She says it’s because she doesn’t want anywhere too “crowded.”

12. She still hasn’t saved your phone number. Like, really?

13. She’s saved your phone number, but she’s saved it under a different name, such as your initials, a series of emojis, or “Pizza Hut.”

14. You don’t even have her phone number. You still do most of your communication through WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger or Tumblr Chat (which her girlfriend will never think to check).

15. She texts someone frequently when you’re together, but she strategically hides the screen or texts only when she thinks you’re not looking.

And finally:

16. Messages on her phone pop up from someone named “Bae” or “Wifey” or “Girlfriend.”

Just because your hookup does one or more of the above doesn’t mean that she’s cheating on someone with you – it could mean she’s a private person. But if you have a gut feeling that something is off, then you should ask about it. Life is too short to spend time with shady people.

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Moving in with your girlfriend is exciting. For some couples, the Big Move happens at three years, for some, three days and – let’s be honest – some couples sign a lease on the third date.

But cohabitation is not without complications. These three tips can make the transition as harmonious as possible.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

What is the definition of “chores”?

It may seem like a basic question, but everyone interprets that word differently, so you and your partner need to make sure you’re on the same page. For example, maybe you used to sweep every once in a while, but your partner wants the apartment swept, mopped and dusted twice a week.

Then, decide ahead of time how you’ll split the chores. It doesn’t necessarily have to be 50/50. Maybe you work longer hours, so she’ll do the dishes on the nights you come home late. Maybe she is out of town a lot, so you’ll handle all the chores when she’s gone and she’ll do the same when she’s back.

A happy medium.

You and your girlfriend are going to fight. Some fights will be warranted, and others won’t – it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you both know your conflict resolution styles and determine, in advance, what you’ll do when conflicts arise.

For example, maybe your girlfriend needs to silently contemplate every disagreement until she reaches a rational conclusion, while you would rather fight fast and then forget about it. To accommodate both your needs, instate a mandatory thirty-minute Time Out where you both think about what you want to say; that way, she has enough time to process her emotions, and you only have to wait thirty minutes.

Try a lot of tactics to figure out the best way to resolve conflicts. Whenever a conflict arises, try writing letters to each other, taking a walk together or even meditating. Make sure neither of you goes to bed angry.

It must be the money.

Because we live in a capitalist society, money can be stressful, especially for young couples. You and your girlfriend already have enough to worry about – your jobs, your health, all those chores – so work out the big money questions in advance.

1. How much rent will each person pay? If you’re moving into your girlfriend’s apartment, you might not have to pay anything, or she might ask you to contribute. If you’re signing a lease together, you can choose to split the rent equally or based on how much money each person is making.
2. Who will pay for groceries and household items, and how much will you spend on that per week? If you can only budget $60 per week for groceries, but she wants to spend $120 on manchego from Whole Foods, you need to have a long talk.
3. How will the bills be divided in an emergency? An emergency could include an unexpected hospital bill, a massive utility charge or one partner losing her job. You need to decide a backup plan in advance, and have some sort of rainy day fund, even if that “fund” is a credit card (last resort, but effective).

Living together is stressful, but at the end of the day it’s worth it – there’s nothing better than waking up next to your girlfriend every morning.

Congratulations on the Big Move, and good luck!

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Up until a few years ago, I was an obsessive over-apologizer. Whether I thought I was really at fault or not, I’d say “sorry”, just to avoid the guilt that went along with it. Over time, I realized that there were definitely some times when you shouldn’t say sorry – and I started using better strategies to decide what I really apologizing for, and when I was just filling holes in conversation.

Through all this, I learned these 10 things you should never say you’re sorry for – even if you feel guilty about them. (Which, FYI, you really shouldn’t, but that guilt takes some time to un-learn.)

1. Never apologize for needing alone time.

While humans tend to be social creatures, most of us are recharged by periods of stillness and silence. Your alone time gives you time to process life, and it helps prevent you from burning yourself out.

2. Never apologize for speaking your mind.

Women are socially conditioned to hide the things on our minds, especially when those feelings might hurt someone else’s feelings. You shouldn’t have to hide how you really feel, though – and no one should make you feel bad for being honest. Don’t be rude, but don’t keep your mouth shut just to please others.

3. Never apologize for taking your time to reply.

With the age of technology exploding all around us, we’ve gotten all too used to an immediate response. Truthfully, though, your smart phone exists for your convenience – not the convenience of others. Very few things that we treat as “urgent” actually are, and rushing your response takes away your time to think things through.

4. Never apologize for asking for help.

Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Even Batman needs a partner sometimes, and – sorry to be the one to tell you this – you are most likely not Batman.

5. Never apologize for your past mistakes.

You can’t change who you used to be – you can only change who you are now and in the future. No one worth keeping around will bring up your past mistakes and hold you to them. Have you learned and grown from it? If yes, then remove yourself from the guilt – that’s not who you are anymore.

6. Never apologize for putting yourself first.

In the spirit of giving, we tend to think that we can’t make ourselves a priority. However, this leads to setting un reasonable expectations from ourselves, because human nature is, in fact, very selfish. You can’t do everything, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why. It’s 100% okay to say no to things.

7. Never apologize for telling the truth.

When we stop ourselves from telling the truth because we’re worried about how it’ll affect someone else, what we’re really telling them is that we aren’t there with them in the rough times. The truth might hurt, but a lie will hurt way more, and for way longer. And besides, honesty is hard enough to come by – why withhold the truth within you?

8. Never apologize for being messier than other people would like.

When I was a kid, I always thought it was weird that we’d get more cleaning done in the few hours before company came than we did in the week before we found out they were coming. It’s okay if life gets busy, and you don’t have as much time to clean as some random outside person thinks you should – unless, of course, those other people are responsible for cleaning up after you when you don’t do it yourself.

9. Never apologize for being successful.

Three mottos to live by: You deserve happiness, you deserve success, and you deserve everything you’ve worked for. If you’ve earned it, it’s yours forever – be proud of your achievements!

10. Never apologize for how you feel.

Your emotions are a natural part of your human experience, and in most cases they serve a useful purpose. Hormones, other people, and the stresses of daily life can do some major damage on those emotions, but you’re only responsible for how you react to your emotions – not how you feel in the first place.

It can be tough to navigate the treacherous waters of our love lives. We’re all supposed to put in effort, but how much is really enough? Is there such a thing as “too much”? Shouldn’t we just do whatever we can to stay with our partner?

Well, no. Only you know what you can really handle in your relationship, but as a general rule of thumb, if it hurts you more than it makes you smile… It’s probably toxic.

If you hurt her more than you make her happy… It’s probably toxic.

If you have to look at lists on the internet to see if your relationship is worth staying in… I hate to be the one to say this, but… Your relationship is probably toxic.

Contrary to what you might think, though, a relationship can be toxic even when both people are madly in love with each other. I mean, let’s just look at Harley Quinn and The Joker. (Well, the Suicide Squad versions of them, at least – the comic book characters had a different dynamic going on.) Those two are crazy about each other, and yet they still end up exhibiting so many of the traits that qualify a relationship as abusive. (Although, they do it in a bit gentler of a way than their ink-and-paper predecessors did.)

If you see the following 21 signs in your relationship, it’s best if you get out now and ask questions later. Run, don’t walk, as far in the other direction as you can – for your own sanity.

1. You’re always fighting.

One of the most obvious signs that you’re wrong for each other. Constant fighting could be a sign that you two are totally incompatible (or that one of you has unresolved anger issues). Either way, get out while you still can.

2. You’re never fighting.

While fighting all the time is a bad thing, so is keeping quiet to keep your partner calm. If either of you is holding your tongue to keep from saying something that might start an argument, you need to get out as soon as possible.

3. You can’t be yourself.

Relationships are bound to change people – but are those changes ones you wanted to make? Your partner should inspire you to improve yourself, but she should never pressure you to make changes you don’t want to make. If she wants you to be someone else entirely, get out.

4. She makes you feel bad about yourself.

It’s normal for complaints to come up in a relationship. But how your partner delivers those complaints is just as important as what they are. It’s her job to build you up, not tear you down. If she’s more inclined to insult you than to offer you helpful advice, she’s wrong for you, and you need to ditch her.

5. You’re stuck in the past.

While we’re talking about building each other up, it’s actually impossible to get better when someone keeps bringing up the mistakes of your past. If your partner can’t help but throwing the past back at you, even when you’re making a conscious effort to fix things as best as you can, it’s a good idea to let her go.

6. She doesn’t compliment you.

Even the most secure and confident women like hearing that they are loved and appreciated. You shouldn’t settle for a partner who doesn’t make you feel awesome. She should be your #1 fan – and she needs to be there to remind you just how great you really are. If she can’t do that, you should ditch her.

7. You feel emotionally drained.

All relationships require effort and emotions. But if your relationship is constantly taking its toll on you, sucking all your happiness and energy away, it’s probably really, really toxic for you. You need to be with someone who puts in just as much as you do, and doesn’t expect you to do all the work. If your relationship bleeds you dry, it’s time to say goodbye.

8. She’s holding you back.

It’s important that you give your relationships their fair share of attention, and that you make your girlfriend a priority in your life. But if your girlfriend demands your attention, over your responsibilities (such as work, school, or chasing your dreams), she’s bad for you – and you deserve better.

9. You don’t feel like her equal.

One of the reasons your girlfriend might hold you back from achieving your dreams is because she’s afraid you’ll realize you deserve better. These types of women (and yes, men too) need to feel superior to their partners in order to make themselves happy – but no one wants to give up all their control. If your partner tries to control everything you do, you need to say goodbye.

10. Your needs only come after hers.

Just like a partnership that’s lacking in partners, no one can be happy in a relationship that doesn’t care about their happiness. Even the most selfless person on the planet will feel drained if they’re constantly being taken advantage of. Don’t settle for someone who puts you in second place – save your self-respect by showing her the door.

11. She makes you anxious.

There’s a certain amount of anxiety that’s normal in a relationship – and that “normal amount” can be even higher when you’re dating someone with anxiety. But the woman who’s right for you is going to do as much as she can to keep you from getting anxious. If she stresses you out and doesn’t care why, let her go.

12. You feel unsafe with her.

Let’s be clear: It’s not her job to provide you with round-the-clock comfort. You are encouraged to make yourself feel safe, as much as you can. But if your girlfriend ever makes you feel threatened, and gets mad when you bring up how you feel – you need to ditch her.

13. You have to hide things from her.

This one can go both ways – either you know the things you’re doing would upset her, or you’re afraid of how she’d react if she heard. Either way, there’s a really good chance that there’s a reason. Relationships require honesty, so if you can’t be honest with your partner, you need to say goodbye.

14. You don’t bring out the best in each other.

Your girlfriend needs to be your cheerleader – not a trigger for bad behavior. The girlfriend who deserves your love is going to do her best to encourage you to be a good person. She wants you to be the best person, so that the two of you can eventually be a power couple and lead an empire or something. If she doesn’t really care if you get your shit together or not, move on. She doesn’t really care about you.

15. You don’t both take responsibility.

Your actions are your actions, and her actions are her actions. A healthy relationship requires that you both maintain your autonomy. That means her mistakes are not your fault, and vice versa. A woman who really cares about you will take responsibility for her own actions, and will expect that you do the same. If everything seems one-sided, it’s time to leave.

16. You make excuses for her behavior, or for why you stay with her.

This goes hand in hand with #15: You need to let her be a grown-up. When you make excuses for someone, you are treating them like a child, like they’re incapable of learning from their mistakes. We teach people how to treat us. Are you teaching her that you’re going to forgive her, even if she doesn’t change? If she’s ready to throw you under the bus, and you’re ready to save her from under hers, it’s time to say goodbye.

17. She tests how much you love her.

If your relationship is full of ultimatums and tests of your affection, your partner is probably insecure – and that’s not a good foundation for your relationships. You should be showing your love in all the standard ways, but your love shouldn’t need to be quantified through her specific demands. If it’s always a test, she’s immature – let her go.

18. Your relationship lasts trust, respect, and stability.

There aren’t too many things that have the ability to keep a relationship afloat all on its own. But, three things that are absolutely essential to having a happy, healthy relationship are trust, respect, and stability. It shouldn’t be a roller coaster every day – there needs to be some consistency, or you need to leave.

19. You feel locked away from your friends and family.

If you spend more time with your significant other than you do with all your friends and family put together, there is a problem. The problem isn’t necessarily her, and it isn’t necessarily you – but it’s important that your social circle is actually a circle. If it’s just two dots that stay in close proximity to one another, your life (and sanity) are going to suffer for it. Get out while you still can.

20. You’re always asking permission, even though she never does.

I’ve heard it time and time again – you shouldn’t have to ask your partner for permission to do things. I totally agree, too. If your partner requires you to ask her permission before you make any decisions, she’s probably bad for you. But even if you’re offering up control of your decisions willingly, and your partner isn’t doing the same for you, you’re probably making a huge mistake. Get out of the relationship before you completely lose yourself!

21. You think you’d be better off without her.

One of the saddest things that can happen to a relationship is when one partner finally realizes that it wouldn’t hurt as much to walk away as it would be to stay. When this happens, it’s time to walk away. Whether it’s because you don’t care about her as much as she cares about you, or because you’ve been trying way too hard for way too long, this is a sign that’s usually right on the money. If you think life would be better single, you’re probably right – and you need to take action.

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“Honey, we need to talk. I think we should see other people…together.”

It’s not easy to have this conversation with your partner – the conversation about potentially opening your relationship up to new people, aka becoming polyamorous.

Maybe you and your partner have tossed the idea  around a few times but you’ve never seriously discussed it. Or maybe you two aren’t completely sure what it entails, but you’d like to explore it together.

How do you know for sure if polyamory might be for you and your girlfriend? Every couple is different, so it depends. But ask yourself these questions.

Why are you interested in a polyamorous relationship?

Even if you choose not to pursue it, merely suggesting polyamory can change the dynamic of your relationship. So before you even mention the idea,  seriously consider your own reasons for wanting it.

Constructive reasons:

• You and your partner are in a strong relationship, and you think it could benefit from being open to more people.
• The idea of your partner being with someone else turns you on, and you’d like to find out why.
• You love your partner so much that you recognize a single person can’t meet all of her needs. A polyamorous relationship might make you both feel more fulfilled.
• You and your partner trust each other and want to have a little fun.

Destructive reasons:

• You’re bored with your relationship. You hope that sleeping with other people will paradoxically make you want to stay.
• You want to break up with your partner but don’t want to be alone, so you want to use polyamory to bide your time until you find someone new.
• Your relationship is on the rocks, and you and your girlfriend keep fighting. You hope that involving another person will make things less complicated. (Actually, it will make things one hundred times more complicated.)
• You caught your partner cheating and hope that an open relationship will repair your broken trust.

What are you comfortable with?

In separate rooms, you and your partner should each make a list of what you’re comfortable with the other person doing. Make columns for “completely comfortable,” “mildly uncomfortable,” “completely uncomfortable,” and “not sure.”

Would you be comfortable with your girlfriend kissing another woman? A man? What about just cuddling? Sleeping over? Dates but no sex? Sex but no dates? Do you want to bring a third person into the relationship as an equal partner?

You don’t have to have all of the answers, and most of your answers will change as you and your partner explore. The important thing is that you think deeply about your comfort levels.

Afterward, you and your girlfriend should sit together to compare lists. Be honest and open about how you feel. If you’re comfortable with something but your girlfriend isn’t, don’t pressure her into changing her answer.

Together, talk about why you’re uncomfortable or comfortable with certain ideas. Maybe you’ve realized that you’re okay with your partner sleeping with other people, but you’re terrified that she’ll fall in love with someone else; therefore, you would prefer she never sleeps with the same person twice. Maybe your girlfriend is open to bringing a third person into the bedroom, but because physical intimacy is sacred to her, she only wants to sleep with someone else if you participate.

There are no wrong answers or wrong reasons. The important thing is that you listen to each other – and that no one feels pressured. If you realize that polyamory isn’t for you, or if your girlfriend is having second thoughts, then it’s okay to table this conversation.

What resources have you checked?

Polyamory can bring joy and adventure to your relationship. It can also bring confusion and pain. Instead of figuring it out in the dark, you and your partner should take advice from the experts who have already been there, done that and written about it.

Here are a few to get started:

The Ethical Slut – basically the polyamory bible.

More than Two – a practical guide to ethical polyamory.

Poly Weekly – a podcast about loving more than one person.

Love More – America’s first (and only) polyamory magazine.

Polyamory isn’t an excuse to sleep with more people, it’s a way to deepen your relationship. Whether you and your girlfriend decide to explore it, or whether you realize it’s not for you, the important thing is that you both feel comfortable.

I’m really bad about the whole “yours vs. mine vs. ours” thing. I’m a really generous person, and it’s bit me in the ass more times than I care to admit. I think I was about 12 years old the first time someone else wiped out my bank account for me – and that was just the first time I let it happen.

It’s easy to excuse ourselves, and tell ourselves that we’re not responsible for the things that happen to us. And, in many ways, that’s true. But if you continually find yourself broke, despite doing everything in your power, you might have one of these 4 toxic financial relationships in your life – how many can you still fix?

The Broke Friend

I was The Broke Friend for what feels like the longest time. I was with someone who didn’t want me to work, because of her own insecurities, and as such I was the friend who would wait for someone else to offer to pay my way. I hated it – but some people are a lot more comfortable with the idea. If you’ve got a Chronically Broke Friend in your life, you might need to cut some ties – at least until they get their finances sorted out.

According to motivational speaker Jim Rohn, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. While there are probably a million ways to interpret that message, it makes sense that bad money habits can be contagious – if you let them. If you have a friend (or friends) who are constantly short on cash and asking for hand-outs like it was their job, you need to evaluate whether they actually belong in your life.

A good friend will take responsibility for their situation, instead of asking you to bail them out all the time. It’s 100% okay to terminate toxic relationships – even if you’ve known that person for your entire life. You are under no obligation to stay friends with someone who brings you down (even if they’re just bringing down the average of your main squad.)

The Irresponsible Family Member

The Irresponsible Family Member is almost as bad as the Broke Friend, except that they’ll probably straight-up tell you that they aren’t going to pay you back. After all, you’re family – and family helps family, right? Your Broke Friends know that their place in your life is voluntary, and they’re going to try a little harder not to screw it up.

Whenever you’re confronted with a request for money, you need to consider a few things first. Can you afford to lose the money you’re putting out? Statistically speaking, friends and family probably aren’t going to pay you back. Even if they do pay you back, it can put a major strain on the friendship as it is. If you do decide to lend to them, be sure to establish clear boundaries and ground rules before you write that check – and then follow through on what you said. You want to lead by example, and you want this person to be responsible with your money.

While lending money to friends and family is generally discouraged, there are going to be situations when you feel the need to help out. When these situations come up, make sure you know what to expect before you go in – and maybe take the time to set up a loan contract, too. It’s not selfish to take care of your own financial needs first. It’s short-sighted not to. Your budget comes first, including saving for the future – don’t let someone else destroy your plans.

The Gold Digger

For a really long time, I thought I was immune to the effects of gold diggers. After all, I was a lesbian making just over minimum wage – surely the women who didn’t want to work would be aiming a little higher, like rich male CEO’s, right? Well, unfortunately, no one is immune to the Gold Digger’s trap – all it takes to make you vulnerable is the willingness to share what you’ve worked hard for, with someone who hasn’t worked for it.

When it comes to spotting a gold digger, the signs aren’t always so obvious if you’re not so well off. However, a woman who’s only with you for your money will expect you to pay for everything (or most things). She’ll come to you first if she has any financial troubles, but if you start to struggle, she’s nowhere to be found. More signs can be found here, but every situation is different. You’ll need to use your own discretion as you look through the microscope at your relationship.

When dealing with a gold digger, the easiest thing to do is sometimes to just walk away. Despite whatever she might say in protest, she was probably getting along just fine before you came into the picture, and she’ll find a way to make it work again on her own. You should never be pressured into financially supporting someone who isn’t willing to help you out, too.

The Big Spender

Finally, believe it or not, someone can be wealthy (or better-off) and still be bad with money. Some women spend outside their means because they’re trying to create an image for themselves. Other women are emotional spenders who impulse-buy without a second thought. There are even women who are clinically addicted to spending money – yes, shopaholics really are addicts. (That link also offers a few tests to see where your own spending habits lie.)

While there are a bunch of different reasons for shopping (and spending) addictions, it’s important that you treat this subject carefully. Your spend-happy partner might need some serious counseling to help undo years of compulsive shopping, and she has to actively want to get better or it’s never going to work.

Until she gets her spending under control, you should resist the urge to go “joint” on any financial decisions. Cosigning for a loan with her has the potential to ruin your bank account, and signing for a large purchase with someone who’s fiscally irresponsible is not a smart choice, either. Do your best to help her sort out her issues, but don’t make yourself vulnerable to her habits. Remember, your money mistakes can cost you for years – so don’t let your partner be one of them!

I’ve been giving relationship advice around here for a while now. In fact, Facebook just showed me today that my original interview with the KitschMix team was a full year ago – and I’m even more excited every day I get to be a part of this team.

That being said, there seems to be a lot of advice that I really shouldn’t have to give. I know there’s no such thing as an instant relationship expert, but these 13 things that – once you figure them out – you’ll wonder why you never saw it before.

Take it from me: Most relationship problems boil down to one of these 13 things.

1. She wants input in your life.

She probably doesn’t want to have her hand in everything you do, but she’s probably not just talking to hear herself talk. Listen to the advice she gives you. You’re the master of your own domain, in the end, but has she ever steered you wrong before?

2. She wants you to make an effort with your appearance.

Let’s face it – some people go through phases where they don’t care so much about their looks. I’m in one of those slumps myself right now – after gaining a bunch of weight, it’s hard for me to feel as sexy as I did when we first got together. But your girlfriend isn’t expecting you to look like you did when you were 18. She’s expecting you to try to look good for her.

3. She wants you to adore her.

Please note that “adore” does not mean the same thing as “dote on”, nor does it mean the same thing as “obsess over”. To adore your girlfriend, you simply need to take time out of your day to do the things that make her smile – simply because they make her smile.

4. She wants you to be the best version of yourself.

I’m not talking about the wealthiest, or the most spiritual, or the best in the sack. I’m talking about being the person you are destined to be, whatever your calling is. Your girlfriend wants you to set lofty goals, and then cheer you on as you reach toward them. It’s not about controlling you, it’s about helping you reach your full potential.

5. She wants you to be her cheerleader, too.

If your girlfriend, wife, or partner is pushing you extra hard to reach toward your goals, there’s a chance she’s struggling to reach her own. Unfortunately, you can’t exactly get yourself out of a hole by pushing someone else out first – you need to work together.

6. She wants you to understand what she wants from life.

Obviously, you’re not going to know what she wants every time she can’t pick a restaurant. That would just be silly. But a happy, healthy relationship requires that both partners are on the same page about the goals. You can’t push someone on the right path if you don’t know where the path is. Open the doors of communication and talk about your long-term plans, and be sure to ask about hers, too. Ask questions if you have to – she may be holding back because she thinks you won’t care!

7. She wants you to remember the little things.

Some people are really good at remembering the likes and dislikes of others, while other people are completely terrible about it. Even if you happen to fall into that second group, you can still make an effort to remember the things that are important to her – even if it’s something that seems silly, like how she takes her morning coffee.

8. She wants you to treat her like an adult.

In the heat of an argument, many people find themselves minimizing their partner in some way. After all, when we’re fighting, we’re self-serving and worrying about our own needs – which is healthy, to an extent. But if you talk to your partner like she’s a child, the only growth you’re going to have is resentment, and that’s not good for anyone.

9. She wants you to remind her that you’re an adult, too.

It’s great to have fun and do your own thing, but when doing your own thing starts to get in the way of her thing (whatever that may be), it’s time to make some grown-up decisions. Your relationship doesn’t have to come first every time, but if it never comes first, you need to ask yourself… Why not? Over time this can lead to her talking down to you, and while that’s still her bad for being condescending, you’ll need to gently remind her that there is an adult hidden in there somewhere. (And, maybe, put your inner child away for a little while.)

10. She wants your affection, encouragement, and attention.

Whether she wants to admit it or not, humans crave social interaction – and even the least social among us has some need for attention from another person. Even if she never says it, she wants you to look at her like she’s the queen of the world. She wants you to sneak a kiss whenever you can. She wants you to tell her that she’s got what it takes to make her dreams come true. Go ahead – tell her now.

11. She wants you to take her seriously.

I think we all have our little “crazy” moments from time to time. But if you care about your girlfriend, it is absolutely essential that you never make her feel like she’s crazy. What’s even worse is people who actually tell their girlfriends that they’re being crazy. Check out this history of the word “psychopath” and see if you really mean to call her that – or if you’re just being rude.

12. She wants you to be equals.

Let me make one thing clear: Being “equals” is not about who works more, who makes more money, or who does more around the house (although those are often the easiest places to start). If you and your partner are truly equals, neither of you will be “in control” of the other – and you will both be protecting, serving, and adoring one another. Don’t make it a competition – or you’ll lose every time.

13. She wants you to talk to her – about everything.

I’m the type of person to lay everything out on the table. (I’m convinced that’s why writing was a pretty good career choice for me.) Even if you’re not that type of person, an honest relationship requires that you find a way to be that kind of person, as much as you possibly can. You can’t work through problems if you refuse to acknowledge them. You can’t hang onto someone if you don’t tell her how much she means to you. And, you can’t love someone if you don’t talk to her about things. Communication has to go both ways, or it doesn’t work.

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Let me tell you a little story, and I want you guys to chime in on it in the comments. I’m going to change the names and leave out the specifics, and I just want to know if it sounds familiar to you. I’m guessing most of you have been either Linda* or Layla* in this story at least once in your life, and some of you might still be one of these people. Let’s see:

Linda is very self-motivated, and takes it upon herself to track her finances without “needing” to. She gets her bills paid on time, almost without thinking about it, because she has a system that lets her do so.

Her partner, Layla, on the other hand, is significantly less motivated when it comes to money, and she’s racked up a little bit of debt because of it. She makes enough money to pay her bills, but she struggles with making smart money choices.

As a result, she’s able to pay her share of the bills, but usually at the last minute (or late), and she can’t seem to save anything – no matter how much money she’s made that month. It seems like the list of things she needs to pay for expands to fill exactly how much money she has coming in.

Layla is embarrassed about her money habits, so she doesn’t tell Linda about them – and, in fact, she sometimes lies about them! She refuses to ask Linda for help, even though she knows Linda has more than enough money in savings, because she’s afraid to admit that she has a problem. She keeps telling herself that “this is the month I try harder with my money”, but because she’s completely alone in her fight, she fails.

Meanwhile, Linda gets more and more frustrated, because she feels that she’s paying more of the bills and handling more of the shopping, and – since she doesn’t know that Layla is struggling – she thinks that Layla is being totally unfair and expecting too much from them.

What should Linda and Layla do in this situation?

While the specifics of money problems are bound to vary from person to person, they most often come from bad habits set into place. Sometimes, the “bad habit” is nothing more than what I like to call “shiny-itis” (or the compulsion to buy the next new thing, whether the item is actually practical or not). Other times, the “bad habit” is that your bills are too high for your income. There are a number of other possibilities, too, but the process of getting past them is still largely the same.

Let her know you’re on the same team.

Often when there is a severe difference in money management skills within a couple, the partner who’s not so good with money will be embarrassed. Maybe past partners have shamed her or judged her for her money, or maybe she’s her own worst critic. Either way, it’s important that you let her know that you’re on the same team, and you have a better chance of fixing things together.

The simplest first step is to sit down and write out some goals. I’m not going to go into the specifics of why you need to write them down, but trust me – this list should be on paper. Don’t talk numbers yet – we’re just trying to get a picture of what you want your finances to look like.

Most importantly, you need to let her know that she has nothing to hide, and that you just want to help her improve herself. Your girlfriend is an adult – so treat her like one. Avoid being patronizing, or making her decisions for her. In order to make lasting change, it has to be a willing effort on her part.

Get to the root of the problem (or as close as you possibly can).

The vast majority of the time, money problems aren’t exactly a problem by themselves – they’re a symptom of a bigger problem. These bigger problems, if left untreated, can actually start to affect the other areas of your relationship, too, so it’s best to resolve them as early on as possible. In order to help her get past her problems, you have to understand them. You can’t give advice if you don’t know the question.

Examine where in her finances the issues lie. For example, does she spend outside of her means? This is usually a sign of insecurity. Does she have a lot of debt from credit and store cards? This could be a sign that she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. Likewise, emotional spending can be a sign that she’s impulsive, or that she suffers from depression. (Shopping is known to give the same euphoria that drugs and sex produce, so “retail therapy” can easily become an addiction.)

No matter what the specific causes are, talking about them will help you discover what other areas of her life she might need help with – even if you’re not the right person to help with them. While it’s normal to want to help her figure everything out, it’s actually pretty important that you let her find her own answers, too. She is her own person, and there is no guarantee that you guys will agree on every step of the process.

Get started as quickly as you can.

One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. And then, when you know better, do better.” This quote works great for almost every aspect of your life, because the people who take a slow start are already doing better than everyone who hasn’t started trying yet. As soon as you understand enough of the problem to take action, take action.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t think things through. I’m definitely not recommending that you go in on a joint bank account when your partner doesn’t even know how to look at prices yet. The important part of understanding the problem is deciding what the appropriate measures are for you to take.

Sit down together and have an honest discussion about your budget. You should both disclose your income, your spending, your saving, and your bills, as well as which of those things are “needs” and which are “wants”. No one needs to give up everything that brings them joy, but you’ll have to find a balance that doesn’t make you want to rip your hair out.

Act like she’s your partner.

Now that you have gone over the budget, you can start working things out to make the budget easier for her. Explain to her that money problems don’t usually come from a lack of funds – they come from a lack of priorities. Walk her through the tips and tools that you use, and give her a chance to ask questions if she needs.

If you have any hope of actually helping, you have to make sure she actually learns. While it might seem easier to just take over for her, I promise you – you’ll get frustrated very fast if you do it that way. The conversation is going to be uncomfortable, especially if she’s been hiding the truth for a while, but it’s essential that you give her some input on things, too.

By the time you’ve finished this step, you should have a fairly specific list of your average income (separately, and together); your average essential shopping; your average savings deposits; and, of course, your recurring bills. You should also have goals set for income, spending, and savings, which are revised from your Step One goals. Take a deep breath, and remember that there’s nothing to fight or judge over.

Get help from someone smarter than you.

I’d be willing to bet money that you’re not perfect with your money, either. There is always more to learn, so it’s worth it to invest (time) with an expert who can teach you something new. Subscribe to podcasts, read books, and take workshops together in order to reinforce the idea that this is a joint effort.

Finances require major teamwork, and many people simply haven’t had that experience in their lives yet. Bad habits can be really hard to break, especially in the case of impulse shopping and emotional spending. The more someone stresses about the situation, the more likely they are to repeat the bad behavior.

Unless your financial security is drastically better than your partner’s (for example, if you were born wealthy, or your income is more than 2x what hers is), it’s important not to spend much money on these expert tools. There is a lot more free information out there than most people realize. If you must spend money on the things you’re learning, make sure that it fits comfortably within your partner’s personal budget – she might not feel comfortable about you spending money to bail her out (even if that’s not exactly what’s really happening).

Make time to work on it.

Lastly, it’s important that you schedule a regular check-in time to go over your progress, your goals, and your expectations. This doesn’t have to be some big ordeal, but it should be carved out on your planners at least once a month, and maybe more often to start.

Remember that your budget is a no-judgment zone, and that her habits may have been forming for decades before you even came into the picture. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and she’s going to make some mistakes – quite possibly a lot of them. If you want long-term results, you have to learn to expect a few bumps in the road.

Your partner has the power to be the strongest member on your team – but only if you let her. You need to consistently work together, to handle the symptoms as well as the causes for the problems in your relationship. It gets easier in time, and as long as you’re both making a grown-up effort, the lessons you learn together are going to stick.

Do you have any other advice for couples struggling with their finances? Let us know in the comments – we’d love to hear about them!

I’ve heard it so many times before, in so many different articles (including, perhaps, a few of my own): You should never have to ask permission from your partner.

In some ways, that’s really good advice, too. Often, in the course of a relationship, we manage to forget that we are our own people, who happen to share our lives with one another.

The bonds we form can unintentionally take over, and before we know it, we find ourselves speaking for one another.

Unfortunately, though, to erase all of those bonds would mean you’re just two people who happen to be in close proximity to one another, and that’s not good, either.

Truly, it’s a balance. You should never feel pressured to ask permission from your partner for making decisions that only affect you.

The problem is, most of our choices don’t just affect us – which is why I choose to ask permission, even though my partner would never demand that I do.

It prevents a conflict.

How many times have you caught yourself making plans for you and/or your partner, only to find out later that your partner had other plans for that timeframe, or that she was uncomfortable with you participating? I know I’ve fallen victim to that one a time or two. That’s how I learned that asking first is the easiest way to prevent it from happening.

Seriously. Just ask. And don’t be afraid to let it be known that you’re asking, either.

We put too much emphasis on being our own people, and we forget that our relationship needs to be nurtured, too. When you feel comfortable with the idea of asking your partner before making plans, you’re giving her a chance to do the same with you. This way, plans don’t come as a surprise, and unless you both happen to plan a specific surprise for the exact same time, you won’t find yourself arguing about whose plans have to change.

(And if you argue about whose surprise was better, well… That’s another discussion entirely.)

It keeps your separate lives connected.

It’s so sad when you see people who say they’re in a relationship together, but really they’re just living together. I know I’ve been in that type of relationship, too, and it’s not fun. Not even a little. It can happen completely by accident, when we get busy with the rest of our lives, or it can happen intentionally when one partner is being deceptive.

Sadly, even when it’s unintentional, it can take a lot of hard work to repair the damage. If the two of you are entirely independent of one another, then what are you really doing together? A relationship that thrives on convenience, rather than love and respect, is doomed to fail (and be totally miserable until it does).

When you ask your partner’s permission, you’re giving her a peek into what you’ve got going on, without her having to pry. While I’m not going to say that asking permission will magically cure insecurity, it can definitely help to prevent the misunderstandings that come from a disconnect.

It allows you to make better decisions.

Personally, I like to pride myself on my decision-making skills. I’m an obsessive planner, and have a major compulsion to write down literally everything that’s going on in my life. Otherwise, I get terribly overwhelmed, and I’m too busy thinking about what I need to do tomorrow, that I can’t focus on what I need to do today.

Admittedly, this takes its toll on my decision-making skills, so I need someone to keep me grounded. Sometimes, that “someone” is my planner or my journal, but other times, it is absolutely my girlfriend.

The truth is, everyone has times when their decision-making skills are not their best. Logic and emotion can’t really coexist (at least not at the same time). Having someone to “check in” with before making a decision gives us a sounding board to weigh out the pros and cons. Most of the time, my girlfriend just listens as I go through everything on my own, and then tells me that she trusts my decisions.

Other times, she calls me out when I’m being totally irrational, and actually points me to the option that makes the most logical sense. Even the most rational people sometimes have off-days, and I don’t know about you, but I’m no Einstein over here.

In both cases, I’m grateful for the ability to talk things over with her – and I’m grateful that she gives me the same position in her own decision making process. It’s always nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, and it’s great to deflect to someone who may have a different perspective.

It shows respect.

Okay, this might be my inner traditionalist coming out to play here, but… Asking if your partner is OK with something before you do it is the respectful thing to do. Your choices do affect her, even if only minimally, and it’s nice to defer to her to make sure she doesn’t feel disrespected.

Again, asking permission won’t cure insecurity, but if it might help, why wouldn’t you do it?

Likewise, when you show your partner the respect of asking permission will also inspire her to do the same for you. If you’re the only one asking permission, that’s when it’s a problem. But if you each ask each other before you make your decisions, you’re reinforcing the idea that your relationship is a partnership.

It creates a partnership.

I know, I know – I kinda just said this. But your relationship needs to be a partnership. You two should lean on each other, and respect each other’s feelings about the important things, as well as the trivial things. (Of course, I’m not telling you to text your partner to ask if you can go to the bathroom or take your break at work – that would just be ridiculous.)

When you agree to ask each other before making your bigger decisions, you’re reminding each other that you’re on the same team, each of you allowing the other to have a say in things.

Remember, though – you both need to feel the same way, or it’s going to cause a chasm between you. If one of you is constantly asking permission, and the other is doing their own thing no matter what, you don’t have a partnership. You have a dictatorship and the relationship is going to have some serious negative consequences, for both of you.

Lastly, it gives you an “out”.

I’m sure there have been a time or two when you’ve been invited to something you’d really rather not do, but you couldn’t think of a good reason not to. (No? Is that just an introvert thing?)

In a healthy relationship, your partner will understand your desire to have an “out”, and she’ll be happy to oblige that for you. Of course, this shouldn’t be abused, but from time to time… It’s nice to know you’ve got someone to back you up.

In some cases, it gives your partner an out, too. Instead of making plans for both of you, it’s good to get in the habit of asking whether she wants to be included. “Do you mind if I…” and “Would you like to join me?” should go hand-in-hand, most of the time. You should want your partner to be an active part of your life, whenever appropriate.

(It might not be appropriate for work events, especially if you’re not out of the closet at work. It also might not be appropriate if someone else is footing the bill for the event, and your partner wasn’t invited. Use your own discretion – and then stick with the plan.)

No matter what your specific reasons for asking permission are, it’s a great habit to get into – and I am proud to say that I ask my girlfriend’s permission for something at least a few times a week. Do you?

Have you ever caught yourself irrationally fearing that your partner will fall in love with every stranger they see on their street? That they haven’t texted you for an hour because they’re bored of you and all the magic between you has been lost since that morning when you ate pancakes together? That you’ll never be as important as their exes?

If your answer is positive, you also probably find yourself surrounded by an ugly shameful feeling, because you might see yourself as the text-reading, facebook-stalking caricature character from that rom-com you watched the other day.

Now, behaviors such as these are indeed manipulative and possessive, and you should never fall into their pit or, if you already have, you seriously need to work on that. Still, fear of abandonment and the relationship anxiety that it’s causing is a primal fear, valid and torturous, and it most definitely is not something to be guilty or ashamed for.

Most of the times this fear is irrational. You might try to find an excuse for it but fail miserably: your partner might have not given you any ground to believe that they’re going to cheat on you, any sign that they’re not as much in love with you anymore as they used to be,  that you’re not enough for them, or that they’re gonna wake up tomorrow morning with the urge to leave you. These fears just exist and come without a warning. And that’s just horrible. You may have a beautiful, healthy relationship, and yet constantly feel like you’re poisoning it because you can’t trust enough, you can’t rationalize enough, you can’t relax enough. Especially when both (or more than both, in the case of a polyamorous relationship) of you work that way, finding some peace of mind might seem impossible.

Generally, try to remember that this is how people generally function: with their insecurities, their missteps and exaggerations. All of these are a hundred percent valid human responses to love and investment and insecurity, and they don’t make you a burden, or hard to love. You can just start building this, step by step, in order to start feeling more comfortable in your own skin and with the people who are important to you.

Discussing everything with your partner is a wonderful start, and good communication might make it so much easier, but sometimes even when you assure each other that you’re okay, it’s not enough for the noise in your head to buzz out.

I might be the last person allowed to give advice on such an issue, since I still freak out about everything and ruin several dinner dates and sleepovers. However, you can let me share my experience – not about something I’m over with, but about something that’s still pretty relevant in my life. It might help just letting you know you’re not alone, since that was the first step I made to feel better myself: ask whether I was the only person on Earth that poisoned my own relationship with my phobias, and feeling oddly reassured when I found out there was nothing unusual about me. It might also help if I share with you my coping techniques: not what solves the problem, but what I have found out makes it more viable.

1 – Take some distance from your thoughts

Sometimes it comes and it’s so harsh that you can’t go on without discussing it and overanalyzing it.

Some others, though, it briefly brushes over the surface of your mind amidst a thousand other thoughts. Something along the lines of of “oh yeah, I acknowledge that fear, it’s something that exists and can possibly affect my evening and remind me that I can never actually lay back and be happy in this relationship”. In these cases it’s better if you try to distract yourself. I’ve found out that this fear, when it remains on this relatively harmless stage, can pass and let me enjoy my trip, my daydreaming or my evening at the playground, without demanding to be set upon the surgical table and be exhaustively peeled and chopped to its ingredients.

2 – If it doesn’t go away, talk

If you see that your thoughts insist, don’t let them prevent you from sleeping at night. It’s vital that you discuss such things with your partner. Don’t ever feel like you’re being ridiculous or clingy for asking questions, but remember: There’s a huge difference between asking your partner, for example, about their feelings towards a friend that causes you jealousy, and demanding that they actually stop seeing that person or talking to them, just because you feel that their relationship is taking up space from yours.

3 – If you ask, believe

Trusting someone and knowing it’s safe to do so is a process. People often deny themselves their feelings or the possibility of a relationship in order to not feel vulnerable for placing their trust on someone else. But sometimes, even when the other person has given you every reason to trust them, you find yourself incapable of believing them. That’s one of my biggest problems, and I still have to fight with it, but then I try to remember that my partner does his best to prove his love to me everyday with his actions, therefore, there lies some effort to me in order to learn to give credibility to what he says, and not assume things on my own.

4 – When you learn how to believe, let the other in

Sometimes the worst thing that can do to your communication is to translate your partner’s point of view in your own language, instead of trying to grow familiar with theirs.

For example: When I’m supposed to fall in love, I do it almost instantly and with the first sparks of attraction. My partner functions in the completely opposite way: he needs to take his time, get to know the other person as friends first, form an intimate bond with them, before he can start experiencing romantic feelings. The fact that I refused to believe that a person can work in a different way than I do, made me freak out for months. I convinced myself that we were doomed and that we’d never feel the same way (spoiler alert: eventually, we did). We had to work hard in order to start understanding how the other thinks and feels, but for the work to start, we first had to realize that it’s a thing that actually happens: people think differently, feel differently, fall and stay in love through different processes, and that’s okay.

So let your partner know what it feels like to be in your mind. It will solve many misunderstandings and help them know you better.

5 – It’s not us, it’s me

Try to check whether it’s your own insecurities acting up when your relationship doesn’t face any other challenges. I don’t mean ‘stop whining, it’s all in your mind’. Sorry to break it to you, but most things are in our mind and yet, that doesn’t make them any less real. No. What I’m saying is, once you realize that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship per se, or at least that less things are wrong than what you think, it’s a first step in the process of rationalizing things a bit easier.

When I took a step back and wondered why I’m always incapable of believing my partner when he says he truly wants me, is happy with me, and won’t turn to other people, I found out that it’s not caused by anything he does wrong. Instead, it’s induced by the fact that I can’t really imagine how I could ever want me, or be satisfied by me, if I was another person, because of my own low self-esteem.

That doesn’t mean that you can magically solve all of your problems because you acknowledge them: I don’t believe that anyone can learn to love themselves overnight just because someone told them to. Self-acceptance and self-love is a long and bumpy road. But figuring that out was at least the start of accepting that the problem wasn’t caused by the lack of my partner’s appreciation, or his potential dishonesty when he comforted me.

Here is another important detail: when your fear is there, making your life harder, but you acknowledge that it’s caused by your own insecurities and that your partner has done nothing wrong to trigger it, let them know: it’s important to assure them that you’re not blaming them when it would be unfair to do so and when, you actually, are not.

Fear escalates to worse fear, even when you discuss things and feel temporarily better: it can seem like a relationship dementor: sucking all the happiness from the room, making you believe that you’ll never relax and enjoy, or even that this relationship is doomed, if not by its ingredients, then by your overthinking itself.

6 – Analyze wisely

Discussing things with your partner is vital, but you can always talk to your friends as well, to people who’ve probably been through that before, who care for you but inspect the dynamics of your relationship more soberly, from a more detached, distanced point of view. Overanalyzing is paralyzing, some say, but when it’s inevitably what you (and I, trust me!) have learnt to do best, sometimes you need to figure out how to use it productively for your own profit.

Talk openly and deeply. Respect what you listen and demand to have your own feelings respected. Let your partner know why you feel the way you do, or try to figure it out together. Long, hard conversations, are sometimes the biggest challenges and can help you know and care for each other in a deeper way.

Everything requires effort but no effort is in vain. You learn and you grow, and you’ll stumble again, but each time, your feet will feel a bit more coordinated.

In the end, always remember: focusing on the present builds the likeliness for a future.

The other day, as I was browsing the sites I frequent, I came across this article about abusive behaviors. Naturally, I was curious – the intersection of mental health, love, and abuse is a really big topic to me (and one that I hope my articles do proper justice). However, when I started to read the article, I was taken back. For those who don’t want to read the whole thing, the author seeks to describe some behaviors that he’s identified in his own relationships that can be taken as abusive.

I don’t want to think that you can accidentally abuse someone. It’s so much easier to think of an abuser as the exception, rather than the rule. It’s hard to explore the idea that the potential for abuse lies within each and every one of us.

As I kept reading his article, though, I saw myself in some of these actions. I was speechless – I am an advocate for people getting out of abusive situations, ASAP. Was it really possible that I, too, had created abusive situations for my partners, past and present? I didn’t want to believe it – but I knew I had to.

If you have the time, please read Jamie Utt’s full article (here’s that link again). His article is aimed at cis straight men, but his points ring true for so many of us. In the meantime, here’s a list of 5 abusive things you do that you probably had no idea could be taken as abusive.

1. Acting on our emotions.

Humans are super emotional creatures. There’s some debate as to whether other animals feel the same emotions we do, and in turn whether they’re capable of “actual abuse” in the clinical sense. But humans are definitely capable of feeling emotions, and when we act on those emotions without regard to how they affect others, that is abusive.

One of the most common emotions that affect our relationships is jealousy. At its core, your jealousy is not your partner’s responsibility. None of your emotions are. When you take the step to look through her phone, casually scroll through her Facebook friends list, or otherwise use your jealousy to justify an intrusion on her personal privacy, you are being abusive.

Likewise, our personal insecurities can come into play, too. Your partner’s actions and words may play a part in your insecurities, but make no mistake: Your insecurities are not her fault. They are your reaction to her actions. While she should try to keep your feelings in mind as appropriate, that doesn’t mean she deserves to be held accountable for them.

With these two emotions, we don’t see our actions as abusive, because – after all – part of being in a relationship is accepting that your actions will inspire a certain reaction in a partner. However, if we were to apply that logic to all emotions, anger can turn into aggression, which can turn into physical violence or emotional abuse of a partner. It’s easy to say that what you’re doing “isn’t that bad”, but by excusing these gateway emotional response, we’re setting ourselves up for a worse emotional response down the line.

Instead, you should work through your emotional reaction before taking an action. Emotion is a normal part of the human experience, but your partner deserves a fair chance to speak her side. If you need to let off your emotions, do so in a journal or to a trusted friend – and then, once you’ve calmed down, express your concerns to your partner and allow her to voice her side. There’s a chance your suspicions are exactly right, and you are entitled to your disbelief if the evidence is against her, but you owe her the respect of giving her a chance to explain.

2. Controlling the situation.

This is one that I’ve struggled with for much of my life. We often learn at a very young age that we need to be assertive in order to get what we want. We have to make sure that our own interests are taken care of. These are very valuable lessons to learn, of course, but they also set us up for unintended consequences.

When we start with assertiveness, this can easily shift toward control if we’re not careful. It’s important that we take actions to get the things we want, but we should not force someone else to give us what we want. In that context, it’s easy to see how it can be abusive, but it’s not usually so black and white.

Think over your relationship. When’s the last time you pressured your partner to give in to your will? For example, you want to get a puppy, but your live-in partner doesn’t want a puppy. Just as with any other examples of consent (because coercion is a byproduct of rape culture), if one person says yes and the other says no, the answer is no.

Likewise, your attitude about the situation comes into play, too. Intention does matter, even if it’s not the only thing that matters. Even when you compromise with your partner, the way you treat that compromise makes a difference. We can be unintentionally abusive when we applaud ourselves for being “accommodating”. The word itself is a bit patronizing, don’t you think?

Compromise isn’t about being the bigger person. It’s about being a decent person. And, if you think you deserve a pat on the back for being a decent person, you are not a decent person. If the motive behind your compromise is anything other than fairness and common decency, you’re making yourself a martyr – which is one of the signs of gaslighting.

3. Refusing to listen.

Particularly when we’re affected by stress, anger, or insecurity, we may be prone to ignore the things our partner wants, or the things she asks of us. We might even come up with excuses as to why it’s “not our fault” that we didn’t listen or didn’t remember the things she said. In some cases, those excuses are absolutely true – but, most of the time, they’re just excuses.

Talking to your partner is meant to be a productive experience. She brings her concerns to you because she trusts you to help with them, even if the only “help” needed is a listening ear. If you’re continually making your partner repeat the things she expects from you, you’re telling her that your convenience is more important than her happiness. You’re telling her that what you want is more important than her comfort.

What’s worse is that, by refusing to listen to her (and denying the validity of the things she says), you’re telling her that you know better. While that’s certainly going to be true, some of the time, it’s important to remember that she is her own person. Continually ignoring her wants and needs makes you a bad partner, regardless of the reasons you come up with for why you’re ignoring them.

I think the scariest part of this particular problem is that there’s often a disconnect involved. The partner who doesn’t listen may, in turn, accuse her partner of “nagging”, while the partner being ignored feels that her partner is willfully disregarding her feelings. Assuming that you don’t want that scenario to take over your relationship, you need to make an active effort to listen to her.

Does that mean you need to do everything your partner asks? No – that would make her your controller. But it’s important to listen to her and understand which of her complaints is the most important, and which you can reasonably fix. She is your partner – not your boss, and not your assistant. Treat her fairly, and take her into consideration when making your decisions.

4. Emotionally manipulating her.

Many of us have experienced emotional manipulation at some point or another in our romantic relationships. Sometimes, it’s entirely unintentional, or even conditioned (and condoned) through society. It makes sense that emotions play a big part in our relationships, but using someone’s emotions against them is a terrible way to handle your own emotions.

It’s far too easy to excuse emotional manipulation as just gaslighting and name-calling, but the truth is, emotional manipulation happens more often than we’d like to admit. Any time you withhold sex, affection, or attention from your partner, because of something she’s done (or hasn’t done), you are emotionally manipulating her. Even if you have the best of intentions with your manipulation, it’s still manipulation.

Another common form of manipulation is playing hard-to-get, or using the words “If you loved me you would…” as a precursor for a request. We see both of these behaviors a lot in our favorite “romantic” movies and television plots, but they’re definitely not romantic. They’re about using someone’s desire to make you happy against them in a very personal way.

Let’s think about this one from the other side. Telling someone that their love for you needs to be proven through certain specific actions is unfair, at best, and very abusive at worst. People love differently, and while there are some general signs that someone cares about you and some signs that they don’t, there is no single arbitrary quantifier. Love doesn’t need to be quantified, nor does it need to be qualified.

Less obvious are “relationship tests”, set up to catch your partner in inappropriate behavior. For a long time, I used to tell the people I dated, “If I find out you’re testing me, I will fail… On purpose.” That’s because secretly testing someone is unfair, and it just shows that you are too insecure to be in a relationship right now. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you realize that and choose not to be in a relationship. But no one should have to jump through hoops to make you happy, whether they know the hoops are there or not.

Instead, discuss your true feelings with your partner, without the passive-aggressiveness that leads to emotional manipulation. If you have a concern, express it as a concern – not as an ultimatum. Chances are, your relationship will be happier and stronger once you let go of your need to control your partner through her emotions. (And she will definitely be happier, too.)

5. Showing aggression when things don’t go your way.

I’m going to level with you guys: I suffer with some temper problems. I have moderate anxiety, and some days it’s incredibly difficult to keep my anger in check. But just because you feel angry does not mean you have to show aggression – and learning the difference between the two is essential to living a happy life.

The main difference between anger and aggression is that anger is an emotion – a normal and perfectly natural reaction to things gone wrong. Aggression, on the other hand, involves an act (or threat) of violence. Sometimes, this violence is sudden and noticeable – such as when a relationship turns physically abusive. It doesn’t usually start that way, though.

The threat of violence can be stated, or it can be implied – such as when Jamie (from the HuffPost article) slammed his hands down on the table and scared his wife. The implication here is that, if he’s willing to slam his hands down on the table to express his anger, he needs that physical release of his anger. You can tell yourself all you want that your anger is “under control” because you only take it out on inanimate objects – but you’re sending your partner a very clear message.

Instead, if you must reach out for a release of your anger, try channeling your anger into physical activity. From a psychological standpoint, it’s a lot more helpful in releasing your frustrations, and it’s really good for you, too. While I don’t recommend exercising with the person you’re upset with, necessarily, it’s a great way to harness your adrenaline. Remember everything you know about “fight or flight”? Well, the goal here is to use “flight” to prevent “fright”. (See what I did there?)

Physical exercise works for a number of reasons. First, it produces endorphins, which are your body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Second, it helps to lower your blood pressure, which is both a cause and an effect of elevated stress levels. Third, it helps to burn off extra energy and adrenaline that can cloud your judgment and lead you to poor relationship decisions.

I think, at some point in our lives, we all end up with a cheater. Even cheaters themselves end up falling for someone who can’t stay faithful, eventually. Most of the time, what we think might be cheating is just a miscommunication – but that can sometimes hurt just as bad. What do you do if you think your girlfriend is cheating on you? We’ve got 7 steps to make the process a little easier.

Take a deep breath.

Things aren’t always what they seem, and just because you’re getting a little suspicious doesn’t mean there’s actually anything going on. What makes you think she’s cheating, anyway? There are a number of things we do every day that look way worse than they actually are. For example, if your girlfriend “has to work late” every night, it might mean she’s seeing someone else – but it could also mean she’s trying to bank some extra money for your future together. Stay calm, and don’t make any rash decisions based on a hunch.

Be discrete.

Even if you have solid proof that she’s cheating on you, that’s not really your business to spread around. You don’t want to get a reputation as a rumor-starter, and there will always be people who don’t believe the facts when they’re right in front of their face. (I could get all political here, but I don’t think I will.) Be careful who you confide in about your suspicions – trying to rally all your mutual friends to your side can have disastrous consequences.

Process the information.

Gather up the bits of information that you have, and decide how you want to move forward. Remember that hard evidence isn’t necessarily required, but if there’s a legitimate alibi for everything you’re accusing, things probably won’t work out in your favor. Consider things that you’ve heard, if you’ve heard them from people you trust. Consider things you’ve seen yourself, as well as the gut feelings you have. Taking all these details into consideration will help you form a more educated plan of action.

Talk to her about it.

I know this is the part that sucks, but… You have to hear her side of things. The only people who ever really know what happened are the people who were involved. There are at least two sides to every story, after all. Keep in mind that your girlfriend might not tell you the truth (cheaters aren’t exactly known for their honesty, after all). Even if she does tell you the truth, that’s not going to make it hurt any less. But denial will hurt you way more, and for much longer, so you have to get the truth.

Decide if you want to stay or leave.

No matter what the truth turns out to be, only you can decide if the relationship is worth the pain it’s caused you. If she wasn’t cheating, there was still something off that caused you to feel that she was, so you need to explore that for yourself. It is 100% okay to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, even if there are children involved. After all, it’s more important that your children see a loving, healthy relationship – not one where their parents are miserable all the time.

Consider therapy.

Regardless of whether you choose to stay together or split up, therapy or counseling might help you to work out the issues that have come up. A good therapist can help prevent these insecurities from turning into full-fledged phobias, and they can help you to process the changes if you decide to stay together. No matter what choices you make, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to someone for help.

Learn from it.

The biggest thing you can gain from any bad life experience is the lesson it teaches. Use this setback as a means of redefining your relationship needs, whether with your current partner or your future partners. If your partner wasn’t cheating, but spending long hours at work, you need to recognize whether future ambitious partners would be a problem with you or not. Lastly, if you keep making the same mistakes, you haven’t finished learning from them yet – try to look at things from a different perspective, and see if there are any things you could do differently to be treated the way you deserve.

Break-ups suck. Even between the most mature of adults, there are bound to be some hurt feelings in the mix, even if only temporarily. Often we resort to a casual rebound hook-up just to get our bearings back. Sometimes, these rebound hook-ups are a total disaster, but truthfully, they’re not all bad. Here are 4 things that casual flings actually get right.

It helps you remember the rules of the dating game.

Realistically, casual flings and long-term relationships should follow pretty similar rules. Yet, for some reason, we don’t always follow the same rules for both situations. We tend to think that one woman – the one we’ll never see again – somehow deserves less respect than we gave our exes. Or, on the other side of the coin, we feel more comfortable being unapologetically ourselves in front of the ONS, because we can just go ghost if things don’t work out. (Long-term relationships take a little more effort to leave.)

The truth is, you always need to keep your expectations reasonable and honest. Exactly what that means may be different from one to the other, but the core concept is the same. Treat her with respect, don’t lie to her, and be open about your intentions. You should also be using proper protection, unless you are completely monogamous and have been for at least six months. Don’t take unnecessary risks with your sexual health!

It helps build your confidence back up.

We all know we shouldn’t place our sense of self-worth in the hands of another person. Yet still, many of us need some reassurance from time to time, and that’s a normal human instinct. It’s always nice to feel wanted and appreciated, and a well-chosen casual fling can provide just that reassurance. Not every fling will give you that security, but it usually doesn’t hurt to try.

Just remember that you do have an obligation to tell the other person if you’re just using them for the ego boost. Not everyone minds this implication, but they deserve the respect to choose if they’re okay with it or not. You can look out for your own happiness without sacrificing someone else’s.

It gets you out of the house.

When you’ve got someone to hang out with, you’re more likely to get out of the house… Even if you’re just going to their house. In a post-break-up funk, it can be hard to remember to get your daily sunshine. A casual fling gives you somewhere to go, something to do, and a reason to take care of your hygiene. While it’s best if you remember to do those things anyway, your casual fling just gives that extra little push.

Going out with someone can help you get out of your head, too. All too often we get hung up on everything that’s gone wrong in our lives. Since you barely know this person, you won’t be so tempted to just unload on them, like you would with your friends. (And, if you do get the urge to tell your life story to the girl you just met at the bar… Don’t give into that urge.)

It takes some of the stress out of dating.

I like to think of casual flings as the “training wheels” of the dating world. It’s nothing serious, and yet it has all the same qualities as a good serious relationship… Minus waking up to morning breath every day. Since the expectations are generally lower and it’s easier to communicate without those pesky feelings getting in the way, it’s way less stressful to have a casual relationship than a serious one.

Of course that’s not to say that serious relationships don’t have their place, too. No matter how heart-wrenching and life-affecting serious relationships are, most people will find themselves drawn to be in one at some point in time. You might end up being drawn to a serious relationship with your casual fling – my current girlfriend and I were just supposed to have a one-night stand, almost three years ago. You can’t always predict the way things are going to turn out – but you can give yourself permission to go with the flow.