Tag Archives: Lesbian Affairs

13 First Date Red Flags That Let You Know She’s Not The One

Have you ever had a first date that went so horribly wrong, but you couldn’t pull yourself away?

I know there have been a few dates I’ve been on that were absolutely dreadful. I remember one particular first date, the girl literally took me to parade to all of her friends. All of them. Like it was a giant house party at her place and, apparently, I was the guest of honor. Yikes.

As scary/creepy/flattering as that might be, the truth is that not all first date red flags are automatically bad.

In fact, some are actually pretty tame, but they serve as clues that your future with this woman is… Well, it’s not going to work out.


1. She doesn’t show up.

Maybe the most obvious red flag is when you go through all the trouble of setting and confirming a date, and she just doesn’t show up. Note that this isn’t necessarily the same thing as when someone has to cancel, although a series of cancelled first dates might mean that she’s a bit of a flake. Sometimes things do come up, but if she knows that things are going to come up, she won’t confirm the plans. No one repeatedly bails on someone they actually want to be with.


2. She has the same name as your ex.

While it’s not technically her fault that she has the same name as your ex, it’s important that you’re able to separate her from the ex of the same name. Otherwise, it’s likely that you’ll be thinking about your ex every time you say her name. This brings all sorts of unwanted (and often unfair) psychological connections. Since it’s completely unfair to apply these comparisons to someone, and you can’t really help if your brain does it for you, it’s best to steer clear.


3. She kinda looks like your most recent ex (or maybe your first love, if they’re not the same person).

This is another situation where your brain can play games on you that are totally not fair – although sometimes, this one is an intentional self-sabotage on your part. We see someone who has all the attractive features of a person, and we may think that we can “do things better” this time. But it’s important to realize that our looks are such a small part of who we are as a person. Every first date is a fresh start – don’t screw it up by living in the past.


4. She’s wearing a wedding ring.

Okay, before I get any backlash: I know that there are people who are legitimately interested in open relationships. I’ve even heard that these open relationships work out great for them. But, if she didn’t tell you that she was married before you agreed to go on a date with her, and she’s rocking a wedding ring (or worse – the tan line from a recently-removed wedding ring!), she might not be being honest with her spouse, either. Is that really the type of relationship you want to be in?


5. She shows up drunk or high.

Personally, I have nothing against drinking. I’ve often joked that it’s one of the perks of having adult responsibilities – we get to buy beer to deal when said responsibilities get to be a little too much. But if the person you’re thinking about starting a relationship with is already drunk when you meet up with each other, or if she’s obviously under the influence of something a little more illicit, dating her is probably not a great idea. She shouldn’t have to pre-game before a first date – that’s just not a good sign.


6. She tries to pressure you to get drunk or high.

Truthfully, pressuring someone into anything that they don’t want to do, or that they’re not sure they want to do, is not cute, not romantic, and 100% not okay. Even if you think (or she says) she’s just trying to help you loosen up, this is controlling behavior, and if left unchecked it can progress further into manipulation and, eventually, full-fledged abuse. Get out at the first sign of peer pressure – trust me on this one!


7. She’s a best friend’s or sibling’s ex.

I’ve heard that there are some people who don’t mind if their exes end up dating someone really close to them after they break up. I, for one, am not one of those people, and I will be very offended by it. What’s even worse is if you helped your friend or sibling get over the break-up, and you still went to date their ex. Sure, sometimes two people are just wrong for each other – but if you listen to the things that she did to hurt your loved one, and you still date her, you have no one to turn to when things turn out exactly the same for you. You were already warned, and you didn’t listen.


8. She talks about her therapist.

I went back and forth for a while on whether to list this one or not. On the one hand, therapy is definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and the sooner we can get rid of the stigmas surrounding counseling and therapy, the sooner it can actually help more people. But, on the other hand, there is an appropriate time and place for that, and your very first date is not the right time to bring up your latest psych sesh. That’s a conversation best saved for after you’ve gotten to know each other a little.


9. She tries to pressure you into having sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex on a first date, nor is there anything wrong with wanting to wait a little longer. The problem comes when one person wants to have sex, and the other person doesn’t. In cases like this, one yes and one no is definitely a no. Any woman who can’t respect your wishes does not respect you, and that’s not something that she’ll develop as time goes on. Get out before the disrespect gets worse!


10. She’s flirting with someone else, right in front of you.

Some people are “natural-born flirts”. I get that. It’s actually human nature to flirt in certain situations, at least to some extent. But she shouldn’t be flirting with the waitress on your first date, or the lady who tears your ticket stubs at the theater, or the woman who checked you in at the bar. If she can’t help but flirt with those around you, time is not going to fix this – she’s always going to be a flirt, and you’ll always wonder if she’s got some side action going on.


11. She brings someone else on the date.

One of my worst first dates ever ended up bringing a bunch of her friends on the date. I’d had a crush on her since middle school, before we ended up meeting up unexpectedly a few years later, so I looked past this red flag and paid for dinner for her and all of her friends… But it wasn’t too long before she started trying to bring other people along all the time. We didn’t have too many dates anyway (I couldn’t afford to date her and her whole crew, after all), but I want to pass along the advice: Only the people invited for the date, should be on the date. Everyone else can pay for their own dinner. No exceptions.


12. She talks about any of her exes.

Depending on how long the relationship was (or how much she felt for her), it’s normal to still think about her from time to time. But if your very first date involves her telling you all about Ms. Not-So-Perfect, there’s a good chance she’s still hung up on her, and that’s just not a good sign for your future. If things go well, you’ll have plenty of time to rehash “you’ll never guess what my ex did” stories later (assuming these stories won’t make either of you uncomfortable). Don’t let her ex ruin your relationship with her.


13. You two are already fighting.

I know there are some people who like the “fire” that comes from fighting with their partner – but, again, I am not one of those people, and those people really only get on with each other. For most people, fighting right off the bat is a really, really bad sign, and it doesn’t matter how good the make-up sex might be – you deserve someone who speaks to you like a human being, not like a child. If she’s already fighting and you haven’t even had your first kiss yet, let her go and move on!

17 Places Love Might Unexpectedly Find You

What’s your favorite type of romantic movie?

I love the ones where the couple meets in a totally unexpected way. You know the ones – the ones that leave you thinking, “But it doesn’t really happen like that.” Life is busy, after all, and it seems like the only times you can find love are the times when you’re strategically looking for it. Between your social life, work, school, pets, family, and housework, it’s a miracle anyone falls in love, ever.

Realistically, though, it’s not actually that hard to find love. In fact, it’s a lot easier if you’re not looking. I’ve always thought it was a bit ironic, but it’s true – the unexpected love really is the best. And, it actually makes things easier – here are 17 everyday places you can find your once-in-a-lifetime love.


1. At sporting events.

If you’re interested in watching (or playing) sports, there’s a good chance the love of your life might, too. If you’re lucky enough to have live sports and a sports bar, why not try for both?


2. At a concert.

Music is super important in my life, so it’s essential that my partner enjoys music, too. Going solo to concerts and shows lets you meet new people, and you’ve already got at least one thing in common.


3. At the dog park.

Pet lovers prefer people who love pets. It’s a fact. If your fur babies get to meet at the same time you do, you prevent the awkwardness of not knowing your Chihuahua hates poodles until after you move in together.


4. At work.

I generally advise against workplace romances, but things happen sometimes – so why not go for it? Just make sure that neither of you has any influence over the other’s job – that never works out well.


5. While ridesharing or using public transportation.

We all hear about the weirdos on the train, but that ignores all the perfectly amazing people who use public transportation, too. (And besides – you never know who that “weirdo” really is if you never talk to them.)


6. At networking opportunities.

This one pretty much falls under the same category as workplace romances, but easier to cut-and-run if necessary. Dating someone who understands the work you do is a must, and someone who’s in the same field is going to understand the complexities better.


7. On vacation.

Depending on how you feel about long-distance relationships, your vacation fling doesn’t necessarily have to end when the vacation is over. There’s something romantic about being long-distance, especially if you have the means to visit each other.


8. On a group adventure.

Check your local classifieds to see if there are any group outings near you. You may be able to find ski trips, photo walks, and even nature hikes – among many other awesome adventures!


9. At the movies.

For the longest time, I thought that going to the movies alone was a sign of desperation. As I got older, I realized that going on dates yourself is a super awesome idea and more people should do it. Besides, it’s easier to approach someone you’re into if they’re not surrounded by other people.


10. At school/college/university.

Hey, don’t knock it – there are probably some awesome people on campus, many of whom you might not have even met yet. Check out the clubs and events offered and plan to go to everything that interests you – your next boo might be there, too.


11. At a party or kickback.

If your friends have been hassling you to come hang out with their other friends and you’ve been resisting it, you could be squandering the chance to find your true love. Any chance to meet new people is also a chance you might fall in love.


12. At the mall.

Whether you’re spending your own hard-earned cash or the 30 gift cards you received for your birthday, keep your eyes open to see if there’s anyone checking you out. You might be surprised!


13. At the grocery store.

Believe it or not, most people have a grocery store of choice. If you and your next girlfriend already buy your vegetables in the same place, that eliminates the arguments about where to buy okra 4 years from now.


14. Online.

The stigmas about online dating are falling away, and people are realizing that there really are amazing people waiting on the other side of the screen. Are you one of them? Setting up a profile only takes a few minutes, and realistically you don’t have to do too much after that.


15. On a business trip or at a conference.

Remember how we said people who work in the same industries understand each other better? Yep, still true. Plus, business trips and conferences tap into the vacation vibe, too, which doubles your chances of meeting someone great.


16. On a set-up.

Fun fact: My longest relationship to date was sort of a blind date. Sure, some blind dates turn into major horror stories (I’ve had some of those, too) but they also turn into fantastic love stories when they work out.


17. In the places you already go every day.

Unless you sit at home 24/7, you’re bound to meet other people during the course of your day. We’ve been conditioned to avoid these other people because, hello, strangers are scary – but I have to believe that the vast majority of the strangers you encounter are more like you than you’d expect. Open yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone new, and you’re already halfway there. Obviously, you might have to kiss a few frogs along the way – and you might even meet that psycho your mother warned you about. But you’ll also make a few great friends, and maybe even meet the woman of your dreams. Be careful, but optimistic, and love will find you when it’s the right time for you.

12 Secrets To A Happy Long-Term Relationship

What exactly makes a successful long-term relationship? Some people think it’s all about having similar visions, or similar hobbies, or just being similar. The truth is, if we date someone who’s exactly like us, chances are… We’re going to hate them at some point in time. Having too much in common actually makes you incompatible, because our brains strive for someone who helps offset our own weaknesses.

Obviously, someone who’s your polar opposite isn’t going to stick around too long either – after all, you don’t want to date someone who you have nothing in common with, right? It’s a delicate balance, and not every relationship is going to do the trick – and that’s perfectly okay.


1. Not every relationship is meant to last forever – know when to let go.

It might seem a little counter-intuitive for me to start off this list, this way, but let’s get really, painfully real for a second: Not every relationship is meant to stand the test of time. Does that mean your three-week romance is a waste of time? Absolutely not! As long as you’re learning something about yourself (and hopefully having a good time while you’re at it), the relationship served its purpose. You need to be able to recognize an inevitable end, because they do exist. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…


2. The grass is always greener where you water it.

When we get wrapped up in the day-to-day happenings, it’s easy to start neglecting our relationships. It’s not right, but it happens more than we’d like to admit to ourselves. If you find you have a wandering eye, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to stray – it actually means that you need to try a little harder in your current relationship. Most likely. In some cases, it means you’ve been trying too hard and your partner just isn’t putting in her fair share… In which case, please see #1.


3. You’re not always going to agree… And that’s perfectly fine.

I know I’ve read a ton of articles that say that a happy relationship involves choosing your battles. What’s usually lacking, though, is the revelation that picking your battles does not equal don’t acknowledge your disagreements. It’s completely normal to disagree with your partner from time to time – and, in fact, if you never disagree, there’s a pretty good chance that at least one of you is lying. Acknowledge your disagreements, but don’t let the little things ruin your love for each other.


4. Independence is absolutely essential.

It’s 100% okay to have your own hobbies and interests. In fact, it’s necessary – if you give up the things you enjoy, just because your partner doesn’t enjoy them, you are making your partner way too high of a priority in your life. It’s also totally okay to spend time alone, even if you don’t really have anything going on. I’m not saying you should go so far as to sleep in separate bedrooms in the same house, but every now and then you just want to chill without any company. And it’s perfectly okay to want this.


5. Make time for each other, too.

Independence is important, but so is spending time together. Your partner is on the local softball team, but you couldn’t care less? That shouldn’t matter – you can still go to support her at the big game (or at least some of her games). Hung up on stuff from work? Make sure you’re giving her attention, too – she might even be able to help you out of your work-stress-mode. Remember that you guys are each other’s sidekick and support group – and act like it.


6. Good surprises are key.

Relationships thrive on a little spontaneity, even when it’s only spontaneous for one of you. Every now and then, you’ve got to surprise your partner. I’m not saying you need to plan an all-out bash (partially because I’d probably have a nervous breakdown if someone threw me a surprise party), but you should try to surprise each other from time to time. Even if it’s something super simple, like washing up the dishes even though it was most definitely her turn.


7. Take your problems seriously, and get help when necessary.

One of the hardest things for me to do is actually ask for help. I get so caught up in all the endless things that I, myself, alone need to do or fix or handle, and I forget that I have someone on my team. I have a bad habit of compartmentalizing things, and excusing those things that wouldn’t really be a big deal if they were on their own. But, in the scope of your relationship, a lot of little problems can be as bad as a few big deal-breakers, so make sure you’re reaching out for the proper support system. Sometimes that means counseling. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, either.


8. Understand where your priorities lie.

Your partner probably isn’t going to be the absolute top of your list, and that’s okay – but she should definitely fall somewhere within the first few. Well, not necessarily your partner specifically, but your relationship as a whole. Make sure you know what your biggest priorities are, and your partner’s, too. Your priorities don’t have to be identical, but they should be similar enough that they don’t clash.


9. Respect your differences and your partner’s choices.

You’re not going to agree with everything your partner thinks, feels, and does. You’re not obligated to agree with any of these things, as we’ve already discussed. But you are obligated to support and respect her. Does that mean you can’t tell her when she’s making poor choices? Of course you should. But make sure that the decisions are objectively bad before you say something – not just based on your personal prerogative.


10. Your words and actions have consequences.

When someone we really care about says or does hurtful things to us, they mean a lot more than when a stranger says them. Example? Once I had a random stranger call me a “fat cunt”, and it didn’t bother me nearly as much as when my partner told me I looked “gross” (after losing the weight that caught the attention of the stranger just a few years before). Your words will have an immeasurable impact on your partner, so it’s best that you avoid saying anything you might regret later. Your words can never be taken back once they’ve been said. Don’t screw it up.


11. You’re going to change, but make sure you stay true to yourself.

It always cracks me up a little when a character in a movie tells their partner, “You’ve changed!” Well… Of course they’ve changed. People don’t stay the same for years at a time, and if they did, they’re not really applying themselves. But it is important that, through all your changes, you do your best to stay the same person your partner fell in love with. Don’t forget your values, don’t get too wrapped up in newness, and try not to lose your sense of humor, either.


12. Never stop falling in love with her.

This is one of the most important things I can pass on to you today: Love isn’t a magical feeling that just stays forever. That feeling, those butterflies, all of that, isn’t love but infatuation. Real love takes a bit of work, and you need to fall in love with her again every single day, or it’s not going to work out. Date nights help, as do little tokens of your affection, but largely, it’s about remembering why you chose to be with her in the first place. Remind yourself how great she is, and take steps to make sure she knows how much you appreciate her.

Love doesn’t actually last forever – but soul mates choose to keep loving each other even when things get hard. (Especially when things get hard.)

There’s Just No Denying It, Lesbians Are Addicted To Love.

OK Chicas, wait for it, lesbians are apparently at a higher risk of love addiction, and no, this is not just an excuse to justify our behaviour when we act in a way that our heterosexual counterparts call ‘rushing into things.’

No way, I hear you cry! Us? Lesbians? You mean when we declare undying love to each other after two dates and are willing to move to the other side of the country to be with our princess charming by the third, this is called a love addiction? Yep, I’m afraid so guys. This is just some idiosyncrasy only I do, says that little voice of reasoning in your head. Not all lesbians are like me, surely?

Sorry girls, we are all guilty of this weird phenomenon. I’m sure if we were all completely honest with each other every single one of us has rushed a new relationship forwards well before we should’ve done. But fear not, we are not a bunch of addictive personality types with serious mental health issues, we actually have an excuse for it.

According to Dr. Lauren. D. Costine, author of the book ‘Lesbian Love Addiction: Understanding the Urge to Merge,’ the reason for this (hmm) behaviour is due to the fact women release the feel good chemicals oxytocin and dopamine when they start to have feelings for someone.  Dopamine is actually a feel good chemical so it’s the same effect as being intoxicated. Put two women together both feeling like this and you have your explanation as to why we want to rush into things so quickly and start nesting.

In an interview with Psych central, Dr. Costine, who is also a lesbian and psychologist, stated that women’s brains are wired to connect quickly to others for survival purposes. So, when we feel like we want hers and hers matching coffee mugs and matching gay pride tee’s there is a method behind our madness. We are surviving.

But of course, with every high comes the low. And this is where we basically crash and burn. Eventually the Dopamine subsides as we get more familiar with each other, the oxytocin disappears back into the nether regions of our brain and what are we left with? Usually a disaster of mammoth proportions where we look at our partner with loathing rather than love and despair rather than desire. Then the reality hits home that this relationship was not meant to be and we smash our hers and hers coffee cups and set fire to our matching tees.

However, I’m a firm believer in forewarned is forearmed so take heed. The next time you enter into a new relationship try and fight those pesky chemicals encouraging you to declare your undying love or start looking at lez wedding venues and take a step back. Taking things slow does have its advantages. It means you get to look at the person for real and not in a ‘brain induced haze.’ This can only be a good thing and will save you so much heartache in the future. If you really have met your princess charming I promise you she will still be there in a year’s time and you will never look at her with distain or loathing. Then you know you are truly in love and ready to consider your future together in a level headed and non-chemical induced manner.


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7 Signs Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere

Most people think that a long-term relationship automatically guarantees that there’s growth potential and compatibility. Unfortunately, though, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, we stay together not because we want to be together, but because it’s easier than the alternative. Sometimes, our relationships last a long time because we don’t care enough to actually work things out. We don’t care about the problems, because all relationships have problems – and isn’t it better to just ignore the problems until they go away on their own?

Well, no. It doesn’t actually work like that.

Of course, not all problems are worth making a big deal about, but if your relationship is starting to show these 7 signs, the relationship itself probably isn’t anything to make a big deal about. Let’s go over some of the biggest clues that your relationship just isn’t going to grow.


1. You don’t talk about the future.

If one (or both) of you absolutely refuse to talk about the future of your relationship – or maybe even the future of your lives as a whole – there’s a good chance that your relationship doesn’t have a future. Humans tend to feel guilty about this bleak end-game, so instead of telling our partner what we really see, we just change the subject instead.

What’s more is that some people don’t even know what they want out of their own future, which means they really don’t know if you fit into it or not. While not having a plan isn’t necessarily a bad thing, the people who fly by the seat of their pants don’t have a spot carved out for their relationship. In fact, nothing is set in stone – and that makes it incredibly difficult.

It’s not always about the long-term plans, though. If you and your girlfriend have been together for more than a few months and you’re not able (or willing) to set plans for more than a few days ahead, at least one of you is probably on the fence about where your relationship is headed. Make it easier on yourself and say goodbye before someone gets hurt.


2. When you do talk about the future, you’re not together in it.

Some people choose to make it look like they don’t think about the future, when in fact, they think about it a lot. Maybe you’re already thinking about the qualities you want in your next girlfriend, or she’s been talking about how things are going to be different the next time she’s single. If you’re already thinking about moving on, you need to move on.

What if you’re not really sure how she feels? Sometimes we over-complicate things for ourselves by trying to come up with excuses for behavior we know is wrong. Maybe you’ve talked about moving in together, but she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in a long-term lease. Maybe you have moved in together, but she doesn’t want to share any of the big expenses – “just in case” something happens.

You know that these signs mean she’s not in it for the long-haul, but you write it off that she’s just being practical. And, in a way, you’re right – but the fact that the relationship needs an exit strategy means that the most practical thing to do is to just get out now. Why postpone the inevitable?


3. You’re not really a part of each other’s lives.

First, let me say that there are absolutely good reasons to leave your partner out of your “personal” life. For example, if you’re not out to your homophobic family, you’re obviously not going to introduce your girlfriend to them. If you’re out to your friends, but they’re super racist (and your partner is from a different ethnic background), you probably won’t want to show her off to them. I’m not saying that these reasons are wrong – I’m saying that they close off the chances of a future together.

Let’s face it: No one really wants to be the one to cause an upset. I know I’ve dated women whose families definitely wouldn’t want to meet me, for whatever (usually bigoted) reasons. I’ve dated women whose families were in some type of weird feud with my family. (I don’t really have a Romeo-and-Juliet complex, I swear.) No matter what the reasons were, one thing was abundantly clear every time: You can’t have a future with someone if you’re not fully a part of their present.

Of course, there are some grey areas, too. What do you do when it comes to social media? She accepted your friend request, but you rejected her relationship-status-change request. Does this mean that you’re ashamed of her? Well, not necessarily, but it does mean that things are being hidden. Healthy, happy relationships are private without being a secret – there is a huge difference.


4. Your relationship feels very “part-time”.

Even in a long-term relationship, you can get the feeling that the relationship has a shelf life. Truthfully, all relationships are (most likely) going to end at some point, whether due to a break-up or a death or just some weird freak circumstances. But you shouldn’t get the feeling ahead of time – that’s not really a good sign.

Long-distance relationships are particularly at risk of becoming “part-time”. It’s easy to talk to someone who’s too far away to really be a fixture in your life, and then just never make plans to actually get together. If you’ve been long-distance for more than two years and have never discussed moving closer to each other, you probably never will.

Likewise, relationships can become “part-time” when you go out of your way to spend time away from each other. It’s great to spend time on your own, especially after you’ve been together for a few years and gotten really, really comfortable, but in order for your relationship to grow, you have to spend time together, too. If either of you is always coming up with an excuse to go your separate ways, you should probably make the split permanent.


5. You’re only together because it’s easier than not being together.

I know, after you’ve been together for a few years, it can be really easy to stay in the relationship just because “it’s what you do”. I’ve been there myself. I think it stems from the idea that we’ve put all this time and effort into the relationship, and it feels like it would be a waste to throw all that time away.

But the truth is, if all you’re doing is putting in time and effort, you are wasting your time. Maybe you’ve even thought about breaking up before, but you stuck it out because you had that wedding to go to, or you’d already bought tickets for something next month (even after your girlfriend told you she wasn’t making plans that far ahead). Whatever the reason is, you shouldn’t compromise the things you want and need, just because it’s easier to not be single.

This sort of extends to those inklings you’ve got about your partner, too. Are you bored by your sex life, but it seems like your partner is being satisfied some other way (or by someone else)? While your suspicions don’t always mean that your partner really is cheating, if you stay with someone you can’t trust, you’re definitely taking the easy way out, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Just walk away, and know that you’re doing yourself a favor.


6. Your relationship doesn’t bring you joy.

A happy relationship definitely isn’t going to fix the problems in the rest of your life, but the right partner is the one who makes you happy – even if it’s in an abstract way. Your partner should make you smile, and you should find her fun to be around. Of course, she’s going to make you sad sometimes, and she might even bug the hell out of you – but that shouldn’t be all she does.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be black and white, though. You can have a partner who doesn’t do anything to you, and still not feel the things you want to feel for her. Just because someone treats us right, doesn’t automatically guarantee that we’ll have true love for them. Sometimes you have to admit that your relationship doesn’t actually make you happy, even if it doesn’t necessarily make you sad, either.

Now, the tricky part here is that different people have different thresholds for unhappiness, and I can’t tell you what yours is. It’s completely reasonable to expect happiness most of the time, and it’s completely reasonable to expect happiness only about half the time. But if your relationship makes you happy less than half the time, you need to find a way to be happy more – even if that means you go out on your own.


7. You’re trying too hard to make things work.

All relationships require some effort – but effort isn’t the same thing as work. If your relationship feels like a chore, an obligation, or a job, it’s probably because it’s all wrong for you. Your relationship isn’t going to solve everything, but it should never feel like something you have to do.

Sometimes, though, the things aren’t so obvious from the surface. Maybe your partner wants you to do more in the relationship, or expects more out of the bedroom. Maybe she expects you to handle all the bills, or all the housework, or all the nurturing. This isn’t right. It might not be split straight down the middle, but if either partner isn’t pulling their fair share, it’s bound to lead to resentment – unless you use it to guide you towards the break-up that’s long overdue.

Finally, if you’ve been reading every item on this list and just hoping that there’s a sign that your relationship isn’t doomed… I have some bad news for you. Your relationship shouldn’t require that you constantly defend your partner’s actions, especially if those actions are against you. Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel like you’re already getting what you deserve – go for the woman who reminds you that you deserve to have everything you want.


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12 Signs You’re Dating A Writer (Even If She Doesn’t Realize She’s A Writer)

Writers really are a weird bunch. I’m not even just talking about professional writers (although I think we might be the weirdest bunch of all), but there’s something about us that non-writers just don’t really understand. It’s not your fault, either – sometimes, we can’t even understand ourselves, but somehow we manage to understand each other. (How weird is that, anyway?)

Whether your girlfriend is still keeping scrap notes in her nightstand or she’s graduated to publishing articles all over the internet, these 12 things pretty much tell you that she’s a writer at heart – so encourage her to reach for her dreams!

1. She keeps a blog with a super creative title.

I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s going to point out that most blogs aim for a creative title. I’d like to remind those people that blogging is, in fact, writing – and is the first platform that most writers use to showcase their work publicly. Even if her blog posts seem like mindless drivel to her, it’s just a sign that she needs to write.

2. She has a compulsive need to write.

We can’t explain why we feel the need to write everything down, but writers often have compulsions that deal with writing. Personally, I need my journal to get through the day – even if I don’t actually use it, I feel naked if it’s not in my bag. And if it’s not a journal, it’s a notebook, a pad of sticky notes, or even an app on her phone. One way or another, she needs an outlet for her extra words.

3. Literary puns absolutely tickle her.

I think everyone probably has a love/hate relationship with puns, but if your girlfriend is legit obsessed with puns that only major bibiophiles will get, there’s a good chance that she’s a writer (or maybe just an avid book junkie – although the two tend to cross paths a lot).

4. She definitely judges people based on the books they like.

She’s not going to talk down on you if you haven’t read her favorite, but if your home library consists entirely of a) anything 50 Shades, b) anything by Stephenie Meyer (not to be confused with KitschMix’s own Stephanie Meyer), or c) only the books that Oprah recommends, your relationship is probably heading… nowhere. Fast.

5. She tries to keep a planner, but it really turns into more of a journal.

After all, there’s a saying in the writing world that this job is 10% work and 90% not getting distracted on the internet. Actually planning when inspiration will strike is really hard, and sometimes we get so wrapped up in the things that we need to get out of our brains (like, ASAP) that our actual need-to-do-this-today plans get a little fuzzy, to say the least.

6. “Netflix-and-chill” means something totally different to her.

In fact, if she invites you over for a Netflix date, you can pretty much count on her wanting to rehash the plot holes and anachronisms and random trivia about the actors. Oh, and if you suggest a movie that’s based on a book? Chances are she’s read the book and can give you a 1,500-word essay about why the movie was a terrible adaptation.

7. Her “downtime activities” almost always involve a notebook.

In fact, most people won’t carry a notebook with them unless they “think” they’ll need it. Writers are different because we know that everything can be inspiration, and we simply can’t trust ourselves to hold onto each gem until we get back home to our slightly-obsessive notebook collections. Might as well keep one in the car, one on the nightstand, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom… You know… Just in case.

8. When inspiration or curiosity strike her, they require immediate action.

That’s why she has so many notebooks. It has nothing to do with how awesome they are – she’s got to keep a log of everything she thinks she’ll want to Google. Or everything she did Google. Or that amazing idea she saw on Pinterest. It doesn’t really matter what it is – if she can’t handle it right that minute, it needs to be written down so she can research it later.

9. That “research” is carefully organized for future reference.

Okay, so she might not ever need to reference where the first Ferris wheel debuted (ahem… Chicago), or why men have nipples (because everyone starts out biologically female), or the 101 different uses for apple cider vinegar… But she knows that there is some chance that it’ll come in handy, so she makes a note somewhere. You know. Just in case.

10. She thinks indie bookstores and coffee shops are the most romantic places on the planet.

She might even long for her storybook romance that starts with two people reaching toward the same eclectic first-edition… Even if she’s madly in love with you. But you’ll let her have her fantasy, right?

11. She has ever taken a non-required (or not-for-credit) English class.

Let’s face it… The English language is something that you pretty much either love or hate. Writers, on the other hand, live somewhere in between. It’s been said that writing is harder for writers than for non-writers, because we’re so precious about it. So, if your girlfriend has ever taken a writing or English class “just for fun”, it’s secretly because she’s a perfectionist who wants to improve her craft.

12. Lastly, she fully appreciates the magic of simplicity and the underlying beauty of the mundane.

More than anything else, writers have a passionate relationship with words. (Please note that passionate doesn’t always mean loving – it truly is a conundrum in itself. We painstakingly obsess over using the “wrong words”, yet we take in the magic that comes from the mouths of children and yearn to have imaginations like theirs.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single other hobby or career that has full-grown adults envying the talents of toddlers, but creativity definitely gets harder as we get older.

In turn, we learn the absolute beauty of the things that are around us. Where non-writers might see a gorgeous star-filled night sky, a writer sees a blanket full of diamond, sapphire, and topaz. Where a non-writer sees a field of tall grass, we see a green and gold river that changes directions with the wind. Her poetic views of the world can reassure you that there really is something to smile about, even in the worst of situations. When everything is going wrong, your writer girlfriend reminds you that it’s not a failure – it’s a plot twist that’s forming your character arc. Remember that, and don’t forget to thank the writer in your life!

What It’s REALLY Like Dating With Anxiety

If you’ve never struggled with anxiety, it can be really hard to understand what an anxious person goes through on a daily basis. Sure, there’s the obvious things – like freaking out over things that don’t make sense to a non-anxious person – but there’s also a bunch of behind-the-scenes stuff that you probably don’t realize. For someone with anxiety, even the simplest things can seem like a chore, and things that are already associated with stress and uncertainty – like navigating the dating scene – can be absolutely unbearable.

That’s not to say that dating someone with anxiety is always bad, though. In fact, people with anxiety disorders are, at their core, perfectly normal – whatever that might mean.

“Anxiety” is really just a blanket term.

When we hear the word “anxiety”, it usually conjures up this picture of someone curled up in a ball, or maybe hyperventilating into a paper bag. The reality is that anxiety is so much more than that, though. Anxiety disorders are actually really common, especially once you consider that it’s not a single diagnosis. It’s so many things wrapped up into one term. It’s easier that way, though – telling someone you have anxiety is a lot simpler than telling them you have PTSD, OCD, or extreme phobias. (But, just to be clear, all of these things fall under the label of “anxiety disorders”.)

There are probably a few different anxiety disorders hidden in there.

The scariest part of anxiety (for me) is the fact that it’s very rarely just one thing. Anxiety disorders are notorious for having other concurrent disorders, and someone suffering from one anxiety disorder is more likely to experience other anxiety disorders. Personally, I’ve got touches of PTSD, OCD, social phobias, and seismophobia (an intense fear of earthquakes), as well as non-anxiety-specific issues (specifically, non-specified tic disorder and ED-NOS). In the context of the dating scene, any number of these things can make things really, really difficult, so dating is often a struggle.

Doubt is a part of our daily lives.

When dating someone who struggles with anxiety, you need to understand that doubt is literally a part of our diagnosis. Anxiety disorders are notorious for making people feel like everything they do is wrong, so it’s really important that we only date people who alleviate some of this doubt. It’s not your responsibility to fix us, but if you make things worse, you could seriously screw up our whole world – so try really, really hard to be a good person.

Some days, going out just isn’t an option.

I tend to think of myself as an introvert, as many other anxious people do. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy spending time with friends and family – but I have my limits, and sometimes those limits come a little sooner than I want them to. To the person dealing with anxiety, it’s tough to make plans too far in advance – no matter how much we want to – because we really can’t predict when we’re going to have a “bad day”. If we bail at the last minute, it probably doesn’t mean we don’t want to go. More likely, it means that we’re just struggling a little more than usual, and we need someone who can understand that.

You’re allowed to ask questions.

In fact, it’s encouraged. We might not be able to put our disorder fully into words, but that doesn’t mean that we’re trying to keep things a secret. It’s actually therapeutic to talk things out, so it means so much when the person we’re trying to date is actually trying to understand what we’re going through. Please don’t assume you know what we’re thinking – that might just make things worse. Instead, take the time to ask what’s going on, and try to be patient with us if we can’t really explain it too well.

Plans are a catch-22.

For most people with anxiety disorders, no matter what the specific diagnosis might be, often feel drawn to the idea of planning ahead. In our minds, we feel a need to solve problems before they actually come up. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t exactly let us plan as far ahead as we’d like to, and there’s a good chance that following through with our plans could trigger an anxiety attack. If we bail on plans with you, please try to understand that it’s not that we’re flaky – it’s just that our minds are totally unpredictable and sometimes we sabotage ourselves.

Our anxiety does not define us.

Perhaps the most important thing to realize about anxiety is that it’s not a summary of our lives – it’s just one piece of the puzzle. There are people with anxiety who you might never think had anxiety – sometimes, things are easier than others. That doesn’t mean that our anxiety is gone, any more than our harder days mean that we’re just an anxious person. Anxiety isn’t everything, even if it does control most of what we do. We’re still wonderful, incredible people, who just happen to have a mental illness. If you’re not able to separate us from our disorders, the relationship won’t work out. Try to remember that life is totally unpredictable, and that there are always going to be good days and bad days. Understanding that is the first step toward a happy and healthy relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety.

Research Suggests You’ll Have To Wait Until You’re 30 Before You Fall In Love

According to a group of researchers who set out to discover milestone’s in people’s lives, we have to hit our 30’s before we find happiness and success. The survey was carried out in the UK and involved 2000 participants who averaged that we are healthiest at 30 and more confident with our bodies by the time we hit 31.

In all honesty this doesn’t surprise me because women often change their careers a few times, full in love a few times and change our minds 100’s of times about many things before we are sure about what we want. Perhaps it’s because women have so many more options now regarding their lifestyle and career choices and we explore different paths until we know for sure exactly what we want?

The research suggests we are best at sex by the age of 32 and the happiest in our relationships when we hit 40. Well that doesn’t sound too bad to me. If sex is quite good for you now in your 20’s, imagine how good it will be in your 30’s! ON a not so great note we reach the peak of our careers around the age of 38 and earn our dream salary at the age of 42. Darn, I want that now, now, now!

Robert Waldinger, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School has devoted his career to an area of research called ‘the pursuit of happiness.’ The study has been going on for 75 years and he is an expert on what gives us contentment, regardless of our profession or social status. During a talk about the research he said that:

“Good relationships keep us healthier and happier, period.”

Well girls, if you haven’t found true love and contentment yet, don’t despair, it’s on its way! And if you already feel happy and contented in your career and love life, imagine how great you are going to feel by the time you hit 40 and it’s even better? So in the meantime, let’s enjoy changing our minds, growing in confidence and finding true love.


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9 Of The Best Compliments You Can Give Your Crush

Compliments are super weird. I’ve never been a very good compliment-receiver (I blame years of unmedicated anxiety and just a bit of stubbornness), but I do appreciate the effort that goes into a good compliment. That being said, there is a huge difference between complimenting someone and flattering them – and, sometimes, it’s hard to see exactly where the lines are. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy a little flattery sometimes, too – I mean, who doesn’t like hearing awesome stuff about themselves, even if they don’t really believe them?

But not all compliments are created equal. We’re going to go over the 9 compliments that are scientifically proven* to increase your chances of getting your crush to date you… Or, at the very least, make her whole day. Learn them, memorize them, and practice them – they might just save you from being forever alone.

(* = Note that there was actually no science involved with this post… But I’m still pretty convinced that they’ll help you out.)


1. Something sweet that boosts her ego.

Even the most grounded among us (which I’m assuming is not all of us) enjoy the pleasure of a simple ego boost. Whether you’re talking about the way she handles her business, the way she presents herself, or just her way with words, telling her that you wish your daughter/niece/little sister/etc. turns out exactly like her is a huge compliment. We all want to be someone’s role model, but we’ll settle for being someone else’s life goals. (Telling her you hope you turn out just like her is probably a great move, too – just make sure you’re not accidentally implying that she’s old. Calling your crush old has a 0.00001% success rate – it’s really not worth it.)


2. A reference to something else.

Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something super special about someone who tries to woo me with a line that she knows I’ll recognize. Sure, some might find it lame and cheesy and uncreative, but let me say that not everyone feels that way. If you take the time to reference a cheesy and/or romantic quote from something your crush likes, such as her favorite song or her favorite movie or even a book you know she loves (or that she should totally read), chances are, she’s going to be flattered that you took the time to make it relevant to her. Just don’t try to pass it off as your own material!


3. A hint at fate.

When in doubt, something like “I knew I just had to meet you” is a simple way to let someone know that they’ve already had an impact on your life. This is the closest (real) thing to love at first sight, and it’s bound to create a great first impression. Even those of us who are totally not into flattery are susceptible to charm if it doesn’t come with any expectations or assumptions. By letting her know that you felt compelled to introduce yourself, you’ll make her feel like she’s magnetic – and that’s a great feeling.


4. A carefully-played metaphor.

Maybe it’s just because I’m a writer, but I am a total sucker for women who have a way with words. When you craft a metaphor that embodies your crush, you’re painting a much more vivid picture than if you were being literal. Hinting that she makes you feel buzzed, without a single drop of liquor, can work wonders in your favor. Just be sure to avoid the clichés and typical platitudes that she’s already heard a million times – metaphors only work if you come up with them yourself.


5. Compliment her personality – not her looks.

Complimenting someone’s personality means so much more than complimenting her looks. Sure, we all want to feel attractive, but that goes a lot deeper than just surface impressions. Let her know that her personality is what you really value by complimenting her sense of humor, her intelligence, or maybe even her work ethic – but avoid anything that’s an obvious lie. She’ll totally know, and it will not be appreciated.


6. Compare her to the other important people in your life.

When you tell a woman that her cooking reminds you of home, or that she reminds you of your grandmother, it can be a great way to break the ice. Women know that the other women in your life can play a huge role in determining who you’re interested in, so make sure you’re comparing her to the great people in your life. Whatever you do, though, avoid comparing her to your ex or any of the other women you’re “talking to” – this will not go over well.


7. Tell her she makes you feel comfortable.

While too much comfort can break apart the real structure of a relationship, just a bit of comfort and relaxation can go a long way toward winning you a date. Let her know that you feel like you can be yourself around her, and that you want her to be her truest self around you, too. These words are like instant foreshadowing to your hypothetical future relationship, and you can bet that she’ll be thinking about the future after you’ve hit her with this one.


8. The detached compliment.

“Whoever ends up with you is the luckiest person in the world.” Have you ever heard those words? Sure, they seem cheesy, and they give a chance for her to respond with the friend zone, but if she’s into you, she’s going to love that you’re not projecting your expectations onto her. We all need a little reminder sometimes that we really do deserve the best – so make sure you make your crush feel like she deserves it all.


9. The indirect compliment.

Lastly, as great as it feels to receive a compliment from someone, it feels even better to know that someone is talking you up even when you’re not around – so make a point of telling her friends and family how you really feel about her. A well-placed compliment to her best friend will probably get back to her, and it makes it clear that you’re not just trying to get into her pants – you’re actually trying to build something with her. It also works pretty well after you’ve already won her heart, too – and what does it hurt to try?

How to Get a Lesbian Girlfriend (According to WikiHow)

The idea of finding your first girlfriend can seem really complicated, especially if you’ve just recently come out (or if you’re not fully out yet). Rest assured, though – it’s not quite as difficult as it seems, although it is definitely going to be a little intimidating the first few times. If you’re really shy, it might always be intimidating, but as you start to build your confidence, it shouldn’t be so bad.

Wondering what you need to do to get a girlfriend? Well, there are three basic steps – get her, woo her, and then keep her.

But it’s a little more complicated than that. There are a lot of mini-steps required, and we’d like to take a minute to sum up the basics.


Step One: Find someone.

Obviously, if you want a girlfriend, you’re going to have to find a woman to date. It can be difficult to determine what women are even interested in women in the first place – especially if you’re attracted to femmes. Don’t worry – there are ways to gauge her interest before you get in too deep. (And it’s always better to know before you fall for her!)

Join an LGBT-themed group in your local community.

Many places have dedicated LGBT-themed groups. These groups are usually targeted towards the at-risk youth of the queer community, but this isn’t necessarily the case in your area.

You may be able to find out about these groups from friends, or they may be listed in the newspaper or phone book. Of course, a quick search of “LGBT group” and the name of your city may help. If you are in a very small town (like I am), you might have to travel to a neighboring city, but you should be able to find something.

Try out activities you are interested in.

The best relationships can start when both partners are interested in similar activities, such as art galleries or hockey games or whatever you’re into. There’s bound to be another woman who’s into it, too. Keep in mind that, unless this is a specifically-LGBT activity (such as a drag king show) there is no guarantee that the women you meet there will be interested in other women – keep your expectations fair and be open to the idea of new friendships.

Some of our favorite places to meet new people are animal shelters, book clubs, or the movies. Truly, the opportunities are limitless if you’re willing to invest the time, so give it a shot!

Join an online dating service.

It amazes me that there are still people who think that online dating has cheapened the experience. The truth is, the internet offers a great way to connect with people from all over the world, and if you aren’t preoccupied with the distance, you’re certain to find a woman who meets your exact preferences.

Even if you’d prefer local ladies, there’s a very good chance that the perfect woman is right around the corner (so to speak) and you just couldn’t see her. Make sure to follow our online dating guide when pursuing this outlet!

Visit a gay/lesbian bar.

I generally advise against looking for a serious relationship at a bar, as it’s a situation often influenced by alcohol, and there’s a general expectation of bad decision-making. However, that’s not to say that any relationship that starts in a bar will be a disaster – my mother and my step-dad have been married for over 20 years, and they met in a bar.

It’s best if you don’t go to the bar with your male friends if you’re cruising for a girlfriend – the general impression of a male/female duo in a gay bar is that they’re looking for a threesome. Even if you know that’s not the case, the women you pursue might not be able to tell, and they may be put off by seeing you enter with a man.

It’s also best if you don’t ask for more than one phone number per night – if the women you’re interested in are still paying attention to you, it will come across as if you’re trying to play the field. Remember, they can’t see your intention – only your actions.

Know the signs that say she’s into you.

Paying careful attention to the woman’s body language and word choice can help you determine whether she’s interested or not. Eye contact, the tone of her voice, and even whether or not she’s physically facing you are good signs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between “into you” and “being nice” – so, when in doubt, ask!

If she says no, she’s not interested, accept it and consider having her as a friend (if she’s interested in taking it that far). Friendships are important to our mental health, too, and we often find ourselves forgetting that when in pursuit of a deeper connection.

Ask her out!

There’s no set-in-stone rule as to when to ask someone out (as long as she has definitely shown interest). Whether you choose to ask her out right then and there or if you decide to wait and call her, you will have to ask, or the “relationship” will never progress to the next level. While it’s perfectly acceptable to ask her out while you’re still face-to-face, it’s widely believed that calling too soon after will make you seem clingy.

I personally don’t like this stigma, because it implies that playing a role is important to getting a relationship. Instead, I advise that if you want to see her again, you act! If she feels the same way, chances are she’ll be flattered that you were excited about it. But if she’s not, don’t pressure her. Give her a little space to process things. It might take her a little longer than it took you.


Step Two: Have your first date.

If you want to start a relationship with someone, it’s almost always going to start with a single date. Obviously, if you’re looking at entering a long-distance relationship with someone you met online, there is a completely different format for your date – but many of the same rules still apply. (Namely, #4-8, and half of #1.)

Take time to look and smell nice.

First, allow me to clarify: You shouldn’t go out of your way to present an image that isn’t true to who you really are. If you don’t normally wear makeup, don’t wear makeup. If you don’t normally wear dresses, don’t. These things may make you self-conscious if they’re uncomfortable to you, and this lack of confidence will definitely show through. If you’re the type to switch it up between dressy and casual, it may be helpful to lean further to the dressy side, but make sure it stays appropriate for the date’s location. (For example, you wouldn’t wear a suit to the movie theater… So don’t.)

You should give it the same amount of attention that you intend to do with any other date, should this turn into a long-term relationship. You should also make sure you’re showered and well-groomed – no exceptions.

Don’t be cheap.

If you’re going on a physical date (as opposed to an internet date), you don’t want to appear like a cheap skate. However, it’s not a good idea to spend more than you can afford, either. If you’re working with a limited budget, aim for activities that don’t require a monetary investment, but will help you get to know each other better.

Great examples of inexpensive dates include a picnic in the park, or a coffee shop. (Personally, I’m a sucker for a woman who can make a good sandwich, and I’m definitely a coffee lover.) Either of these will be less expensive than a dinner date, but they don’t cheapen the experience like a date to the drive-through would do. (Seriously. Drive-through dates can wait until you’ve experienced the joys of cleaning up after each other.)

Pay. (Or at the very least, offer.)

The general rule of thumb in same-sex relationships is that the person who invited should pay. If you’ve been following along with our advice – that means you. It’s important to choose something that fits in your budget and doesn’t make her uncomfortable. Many women will be uncomfortable with the idea of being treated to an expensive date with a brand-new partner.

Some women aren’t comfortable with the idea of having someone else pay their way at all – so if she expresses the desire to pay her own half, you shouldn’t push the issue. Simply say that you wouldn’t mind paying her way. If she insists, drop it and let her pay her half. You want to make sure she’s comfortable, and some women don’t like being “spoiled”. (I happen to be one of them.)

Be yourself.

This is probably the most important tip in all of this: BE YOURSELF. If you start the relationship off with a lie (because pretending to be someone you’re not is definitely a lie), there are two possible outcomes:

  1. She will eventually find out that you were lying, and question everything you ever said to her.
  2. You will have to keep up the act so she doesn’t find out, and you will question everything you ever said to her.

You should present the best version of yourself, naturally, but you should never exaggerate or make things up. Further, you’ll want to make sure that she likes you for who you really are, and the best way to do that is to be the real you from the very start.

Make conversation.

It seems so simple – but sometimes, awkward silences happen. It’s important that you know how to fill these silences without making things even more awkward. The best conversation starters are the ones that have universal appeal. As you get to know each other a little better, you can discover other things to talk about – but in the beginning, keep it simple. You don’t always want to come across too controversial.

Don’t get me wrong – I am all for debating, and I know a lot of other women who are, too. But on a first date, debating has the potential to sound like arguing – which is not a good choice, and will most likely put a roadblock right in the middle of your relationship goals. It’s safer if you wait until there’s a mutual attraction and understanding in place.

Ask her about herself.

Don’t just talk about you – invite her to talk about herself. You want to make sure it’s a fairly even mix, but if she wants to lead the conversation (and you don’t mind), let her! Some women enjoy having someone listen to them, and most women hate being interrupted. If this relationship has a future, there’ll be plenty of time for you to share your side, too. And if there’s no future, there’s no reason she really has to know the intimate details of your life.

One caveat here, though. If she doesn’t want to talk about something, do not push it. Most people are not willing to open themselves up completely to someone on the very first date, so you shouldn’t expect her to. You definitely shouldn’t pressure her if it seems like the topic is sensitive to her – it could cause her to shut down completely.

Decide how to end the date.

If you’ve been paying attention to all the little signals during your date (hint: you should), it should be apparent what direction the date has taken. If a second date seems promising, feel free to ask – but if you’re not sure, it might be nice give some time to think it over. The two of you may even decide to end the night with a kiss – or possibly even more. There is no right or wrong answer here, as long as both parties have their feelings accounted for.

If the date went really bad, it’s best to not even try. While the second date is infinitely more telling than the first date, a failed first date will rarely result in a better second date. Sometimes, there’s just no spark, and that’s not something you can easily fake. If you find yourself in this situation, head back to Step One and try again.


Step Three: Create a relationship (if it seems like a good idea).

Well, you’re here because you want a girlfriend, not just a date. Right? The two processes start out the same, but there are a few extra steps involved if you want to show her you’re in it for the long-term.

Call and ask her out again.

This seems pretty simple – if you want to get her locked down as your one-and-only, you’re going to have to go on more than one date. As we stated above, the second date tells a lot more about a person than the first date does – especially since the two of you are a little more comfortable with each other now. Don’t ask for another date the same day as your first one – make sure to give her a day or two to process how things went so that she can make a better decision.

If she says no, thank her for her time, and end the phone call. Staying on the phone after she has turned you down will just be awkward and comfortable for both of you, so avoid it unless absolutely necessary. (Hint: It’s very rarely necessary.)

Repeat step two.

If she says yes, you’ll want to go through all the same steps as outlined in Step Two above – but this time you have a little more information about her to help plan something spectacular. Of course, most likely the second date isn’t going to completely blow her out of the water, but the potential is there.

It’s important to realize that you might have to go on a lot of dates with this woman before you’re completely sure that you want to continue pursuing it – and that’s okay, as long as you’re honest about your intentions. Don’t treat it like a job interview – there’s no such thing as the “perfect candidate” here and it’s unfair to her if you try to find one.

Ask if she’d like to be your girlfriend.

Once you’ve got a good feeling about the nature of your relationship, ask to make things official! Not everyone is interested in having an official relationship, though, so be warned that there’s a chance she could say no even if everything went perfectly according to plan. If you really like this woman, but she doesn’t want to put a label on things, consider whether you would be willing to pursue something “unofficial” with her. In many cases, an undefined relationship could be the best you’ve ever had.

But even once you two do decide to make things official, there’s a very broad definition of what that really means, so it’s essential that the two of you establish clear boundaries, expectations, and goals for the relationship. This doesn’t necessarily have to happen at the same time as you make things official, but it should happen early enough to avoid any problems.

(Oh, and if you do get a girlfriend… Make sure you deactivate all your dating profiles.)

Take care of yourselves, and each other!

9 Gifts Your Long-Distance Girlfriend Will Love

I am one of those super weird people who does better in a relationship when it’s long-distance. That’s not to say I’m a bad girlfriend (or at least I don’t think I am), but I am definitely an introvert and I thrive on having my alone time. I’m also a hopeless romantic, and I don’t like the thought of not having someone to care for. What can I say – I told you I was a weirdo.

In my current relationship, we have more of a “part-time long-distance” agreement, and it works out pretty well. She goes out of town for a week or two at a time, and I stay home to focus on my work and my hobbies. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for us.

That’s not to say that long-distance relationships don’t have their own unique challenges, though. It seems like whenever I want to cuddle the most, she’s not really here for that. I think it has something to do with wanting what you can’t have, but I don’t really have any solid evidence there. I always end up buying her a ton of things when we’re apart, which isn’t so great for the bank account, but it’s a way for me to channel my affection and make sure it’s not completely squandered by the time she gets back.

Wondering what gifts you should get for your long-distance girlfriend that’ll let her know she’s on your mind even when she’s not near you? We’ve got 9 ideas to share today, and most of them are pretty inexpensive, too. Do you have any ideas we missed? Let us know in the comments!


1. Letters. Lots and lots of letters.

In the modern age of technology, it’s all too easy to just send a text and assume that conveys your message. But texting doesn’t really convey emotions, and it doesn’t feel intimate. A hand-written letter, on the other hand, tells a story. If you take the time out of your day to write a letter by hand, it shows that you really put some thought into it. And if you spray your perfume or cologne on it, too, it helps to keep you on her mind, too. Don’t worry if your handwriting isn’t that great – she’ll love that you took the time to try.


2. A scrapbook or photo album.

One of the biggest bummers of a long-distance relationship is that your partner isn’t there to share in your memories. Creating a scrapbook or photo album of the things that happened since the last time she visited you is a great way to let her be a part of your life, even when she can’t be there in person. If your arrangement is more like mine, try to make an album of your memories together for her to take with her when she goes. Either way, there’s something deeply intimate about photos that aren’t displayed on a screen – so give it a shot!


3. A jar of memories.

This one might take a little more to ship, but it’s sure to be an interesting surprise. First, find a nice-looking jar or bottle. It should have a wide enough mouth that things placed in it will come back out easily. Then, on small scraps of colored paper, write down some happy memories that you’ve shared together – such as “Remember that time you rode your bike all the way across town to see me at work?” Finally, cover the jar or bottle and write a short note that she should pull out a memory any time she’s missing you. It’s a sweet and inexpensive gift that’s all about the great times you’ve shared.


4. A shared journal.

One of my favorite long-distance gifts is a shared journal or smashbook. Of course, anyone who’s read more than a few of my posts probably knows that I’m big into journaling anyway, but sharing that journal with your partner is a great way to bridge the gap between you. One of you keeps the journal for a week or two, filling it with little tidbits about your day. Then, you send it on to the other, and she is free to read and add in her own tidbits, too. Once the two of you get back together, the book will serve as its own scrapbook of the time you spent apart – and you’ll cherish it forever.


5. One of your shirts or sweatshirts.

I know, it seems super cheesy, but there’s a reason that pretty much every distant couple ever has swapped shirts, and every spurned lover seems to hang onto one of her ex’s. You have your own distinct scent, and chances are your partner misses it! When you exchange something that smells like you, you’re tapping into the amazing powers of the Proust phenomenon – your sense of smell actually has a better memory than the rest of your body.


6. A book (that you’re also reading).

If you and your girlfriend are both avid readers, buy two copies of the same book, and have a little “book club” between the two of you. This is a great way to share an experience, especially if you choose one of the classics that are known to have powerful emotional impacts. But, even if you go for something shorter and funnier, you’re still going to be sharing a good book with your love – and isn’t that nice?


7. A personalized mug.

I’m not talking about going out and splurging on one of those engraved masterpieces they sell at the mega-malls – I’m talking about buying a simple mug and hand-painting it with a quote that means something special to you. After it’s painted, be sure to glaze it so that your quote won’t rub off. Then, every day when she drinks her coffee or tea, she’ll have you on her mind. Simple, sweet, and practical – it’s the gift-giving trifecta!


8. A romantic coupon book.

If you know you’re going to be meeting back up soon, why not make her a booklet of romantic favor coupons? They don’t have to be anything extravagant, but small tokens like a sensual massage, her favorite movie, and breakfast in bed are all great ideas. But what if you aren’t set to see each other for quite a while? That’s okay, too – send some sexy coupons and let her mull them over for a while. The sexual tension is sure to cause a stir once you’re finally face to face again.


9. A star in her honor.

Okay, so you can’t actually buy her a star, but the International Star Registry lets you claim and name a star. It’s totally cheesy and they have nothing to do with the scientific community, but how many people do you know who have a star registered in their name? They’ll even give you the coordinates so that you can look up at your star – a perfect way to bridge the gap between the two of you.

8 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Break Up With Your Girlfriend

I’m not sure about you, but I’ve been in my fair share of relationships that really, really should have ended sooner than they did. Most notably, my “big breakup” of 2013 really should have ended somewhere around 2009. Looking back, I can see that now, but at the time I found myself hanging onto something that was just never going to be the same again. Sometimes, the decision that seems the hardest – that is, walking away from the person you love, and who says she loves you, too – is the best thing you can do.

But what if your relationship isn’t that bad? Most relationships don’t end with violence, after all, but most do end with broken hearts and hurt feelings. If you want to minimize those things (for your soon-to-be-ex as well as yourself), you might want to follow these 8 prompts to breaking up with dignity.


1. Why do I want to break up with her?

Obviously, if you’re here, you’ve got reasons for wanting to break up with your girlfriend. Sometimes those reasons really boil down to the fact that you’d rather be single. Sometimes the reason is that your partner treats you like garbage. And, sometimes, it’s because you treat her like garbage.

While these are all legitimate things to consider, it’s important that you can process what the reasons are to you. No break-up is exactly the same as another (unless you’ve got one of those awful on-again/off-agains). I’m a strong advocate for all things that require list-making, and a break-up is a perfect excuse for a pros-and-cons list. (Just make sure that your girlfriend doesn’t ever find this list – if you decide to stay with her, the list could easily destroy the good things you’ve discovered.)

More than just your personal sanity, though, a list of the reasons why you want to break up will also help make conversations about it with friends and family just a little less awkward. Unless your crew totally hates your girlfriend (sorry to all the friends who tried to clue me in about Big Ex, who I completely ignored), you’re going to have some explaining to do. A list gives you some stuff to consider, and it makes it easier to strengthen your resolve, too.


2. Could we work things out?

Depending on the reasons you want to break up, working things out could actually be a real possibility. Better communication (and possibly relationship counseling) can help to sort out most problems, and might help a lot more than you’d expect. But not everything is fixable – some things need to just run their course, and some things are so deeply ingrained that change is not very likely. You need to fully understand whether you can work through things – no one wants to throw away something that’s just a little rusty, when a bit of elbow grease could make it shine.

(This coming from someone whose first car was a 1949 Willys Wagoneer that came in a bunch of boxes full of parts. A fixer-upper isn’t necessarily a bad thing.)

It’s also important that you consider whether you want to fix things or not, though. If you’ve been trying for months (or even years) to work out your problems, and nothing seems to change, there’s a good chance that your girlfriend is simply not in it. Or, if the problems are your own, you might not want to change the things about yourself that are causing the issues. You are free to make your own decisions here – no one can force you to stay in a relationship that asks too much of you.


3. Will I change my mind after it’s done?

Some people break up and then get back together. That doesn’t necessarily make it an on-again/off-again… People have the ability to change and grow back together, even if previous attempts haven’t worked out. If you think that you might fall into this category, it’s super important that you leave the door open in a way that doesn’t give false hopes or misunderstandings.

No one likes to be stuck in the back-and-forth waltz of a relationship gone awry, so it’s really important that you do try to fix the things that are fixable before you decide to walk away. Of course, we’ve already discussed that it’s not always possible (or likely), but whenever possible, working through things is where you should start.

Even if you don’t think that you could get back together in the future, it’s important that you keep things civil, and refuse to say things that you might regret down the line. After all, she is a human being with her own emotions, and attacking her character won’t do anything to help you – it’ll just make it less likely that you two will ever be friends in the future.


4. What will it really be like to be single again?

If you’ve been together for a long time, there’s a good chance that you’ll miss the single life at some point in time. If this made its way onto your list, keep in mind that it’s also completely normal to miss your ex after you break up – even if you’re the one who ended things. It’s important to revisit your list from question 1 and figure out what you’re really giving up if you walk away.

Often, when we’re frustrated, we find it easier to focus on the bad things about our relationship – pushing us more toward breaking up than staying together. If we’re sad, hurt, or conflicted, we’re going to lean more toward staying together. You might need to visit your list a few times just to make sure you fully understand what you’re going to be walking away from. If you make your list all at once, you’re bound to miss things. Give yourself permission to ruminate on it for a while.

When it’s all said and done, you’re going to be relying on your friends a lot. No one likes to go out completely solo when they’ve just left a long-term relationship, so you’ll want your crew on your side. They’ll be there to support you, because they love you – even if they also liked your girlfriend. You were their friend first – so while it’s not fair to ask them to pick sides, they’re probably going to side with you anyway (at least most of the time).


5. How do I let her go?

Your feelings are going to linger for a little while, even after you’ve made up your mind. It’s normal – and even more understandable the longer you’ve been together. You want to be civil, without giving her any false hope. You want to make sure she knows it’s over, but that you don’t necessarily blame her for everything. This is a sensitive balance, and it takes a great deal of care to achieve.

Now… I’ve already said that I’m a major proponent of list-making and mind-mapping, so of course, my solution is to make another list. Look over your pros-and-cons from question one, and decide which ones are important enough to mention in your official break-up speech. Chances are, there are some things that have swayed your decision that your soon-to-be-ex doesn’t really need to know. Pro tip: Leave those ones out! Make a list of your talking points, if necessary, and practice them until you’re actually comfortable with the idea of throwing them out there.

Almost as important as what you say is where you say it. You want somewhere semi-private, like a coffee shop or a book store. It should be neutral territory, rather than at someone’s home – you want to give her room to escape if she needs to. Remember, just because you want to talk about it, doesn’t necessarily mean she will. But, make sure that wherever you have The Talk, it’s private enough that strangers aren’t all up in your business. Trust me – public break-ups are embarrassing for everyone involved.


6. What do I actually say?

Here’s where that list of talking points really comes in. Look over the list you’ve made and try to turn it into a “script” of sorts. Your most important reasons should be the things you focus on – whether they’re hard or not – because, really, you want to be honest here. That means no sugarcoating – that doesn’t accomplish anything except giving false hopes, and we really don’t want to do that.

You also need to make sure you don’t say anything you’ll regret later. If you’re open to the idea of getting back together in the future, say that. If you can’t stand the idea of ever talking to her again, say that. You want to make sure she has a very clear picture of where you stand – this is definitely not a time to be mysterious.

Of course, even with a list of talking points and all the preparations you’ve put in up to this point, there’s still a good chance you’ll screw it up. That’s ok. Humans are supposed to make mistakes – that’s proof that you’re trying and taking chances! It’s more important that you avoid being cruel, whether directly or indirectly, than it is to get every little piece of information passed along.


7. Should we get back together once things are worked out?

There’s not really one solid answer to this one – it’s a matter of your perspective, your individual situation, and the likelihood of things getting worked out to your satisfaction. Not all problems can be fixed, even with the best of intentions, and often the intention (and reason) for the changes is less-than-pristine. If someone is only making changes so that they can get back with something, Round 2 is going to be just as destitute as Round 1 was.

It takes two (very) mature adults to give a relationship a second chance. That’s not to say that there’s something wrong or immature about you if you do give things another go and they still don’t work out how you wanted. Remember that some relationships really do have an expiration date, and it’s all-but-useless to try to push them to work if they’re really not going to.

Leaving your options open is often the easiest immediate choice, but that’s not to say that it doesn’t have its own share of complications. What happens if you leave things open, but you really can’t bring yourself to give her another chance? That’s completely appropriate, and your choice. Try to be realistic, though – if you think the relationship is doomed now, there is a very good chance that it’ll still be doomed a few years from now. (And it’s definitely not going to be better in just a few weeks or months.)


8. What did this relationship teach me about myself?

Everything that we perceive as a failure actually has infinite learning potential. It’s next to impossible to go through a relationship and/or a break-up without learning something, although some people might need to look a little harder to figure out what they should have learned from this. No matter who broke up with whom, it’s important that you give yourself time to process things and actually apply the things you’ve learned.

Most likely, neither one of you is a bad person. Relationship incompatibility is a very real thing, and just because you didn’t work out together doesn’t mean that there’s anything really wrong with you. For example, two people who love to party are going to get along better than one person with a dedication to their work and one party girl. Does that mean that the party girl is a bad person? Absolutely not. Does it mean your relationship was all wrong? Absolutely.

Moreover, it’s important that you understand that this one woman has no bearing over any future women you date. It’s hard to separate ourselves from our bad experiences, but it’s absolutely necessary. Try not to make any generalizations about other people based on your experiences with this one person – remember, the way things seem is not always the way they actually are, so make sure you’re not holding your ex’s actions against your new boo when you have one.


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7 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Woman With OCD

I’m going to let you in on a little secret that I don’t really talk about too much: I have moderate obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s beyond frustrating, and the fact that it’s seriously misunderstood makes things even more difficult.

When most people think about OCD, they think of someone who spends all their free time cleaning and alphabetizing things, but that’s not really what this disorder is all about.

Interested in someone who’s obsessive-compulsive, or who you think might be? Let the following 7 tips guide you to the best way to approach her.


1. It’s not all about cleaning and alphabetizing.

It’s almost funny that people associate OCD with impeccable cleaning and organizational skills. The truth is that there are so many people living with OCD who are not obsessive neat freaks. The media clings to this minority, though, because it’s the easiest to convey to other people – if someone has a super clean house and freaks out if things are disorganized, it’s obvious that they have OCD. Right?

Well, this leads people who don’t have OCD to make jokes about how “OCD” they are. (Pro tip: OCD is a noun, not an adjective.)

Personally, I don’t exhibit most of the most characteristic symptoms of OCD. I’m not a clean freak – in fact, I rarely clean unless my compulsions get totally out of control. I color-code and alphabetize, but only as a way to soothe my mind – not as an everyday way-of-life.

I’m not really the most organized person, either – even though I really do strive to be – but if something has a place it “lives”, I may freak out at least a little bit if it’s not there. I’m not really sure how much of it is OCD and how much is just general anxiety, since the two often overlap, but let me assure you – we’re not all germophobes.


2. We are not trying to control your life. (Probably.)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is really a control issue, and those of us who suffer with OCD probably seem like total control freaks. The truth is that we’re not trying to control your life – we’re just trying to get a grip on our own.

Sometimes, this means that we’re double-checking the things you do, just to make sure they’re actually getting done. That doesn’t mean we’re trying to change you… It means we’re trying to quiet our disorder.

That doesn’t mean that control freaks don’t have OCD, though. There are definitely some people who want to control everything around them, and there’s probably at least a bit of OCD behind their reasoning.

But, for the vast majority of us, we’re really not trying to control you – we just want to make sure we don’t lose control of ourselves.


3. OCD is a serious mental illness.

Considering how much the media minimizes OCD, it’s no surprise that most people assume it’s not a big deal. But to the person who’s actually struggling with OCD, it’s a huge deal. We get these obsessive thoughts that invade our mind, and it seems like the only way to quiet them down is to do what our compulsions tell us to do.

We know it’s really illogical, but we can’t stop it. It’s part of who we are, at least to some degree.

The fact that most media representations of OCD show people who obsessively count things, or who clean as if their lives depended on it, neither of those things is necessarily part of an OCD diagnosis.

The actual diagnosis just means that someone has repeating obsessive thoughts or mental images that disrupt our daily lives. It’s an anxiety disorder – not just a habit we’ve picked up over the years.


4. It’s more common than you might think.

An estimated 1 in 40 adults suffer from OCD or similar anxiety disorders, but it may go undiagnosed for years, just because of the stigmas surrounding it.

These numbers are higher in developed countries, like the US and the UK, than they are in developing countries – but that’s not to say that they don’t exist in the third world, too.

Sadly, approximately 1% of children are presumed to live with OCD and other anxiety disorders, but since they may not understand why their thoughts are happening (or even that their thoughts aren’t normal for their age), they aren’t likely to seek out help.

Once you factor in the fact that OCD is really, really hard for non-OCD-sufferers to fully understand, it’s not so easy to reach out for help – so your new boo might have OCD and not even know it.


5. OCD is one of the most treatable mental illnesses.

Since anxiety disorders are some of the most common mental illnesses, there’s a bit of comfort in knowing that it’s completely possible to live a normal life, even with OCD.

That doesn’t mean that the disease will ever go away (although that is a possibility), but it does mean that proper treatment and education can make a tremendous difference.

What treatments are available for people with OCD? Two of the most common treatment options are cognitive behavioral therapy (also known as CBT) and medication.

It’s important to realize that not everyone wants to go through treatment, though, and you can’t make someone go through treatment – there’s really no benefit to being coerced into therapy.


6. There’s a chance it could be genetic.

Although the underlying cause of any anxiety disorder is bound to differ from one person to the next, there’s a good chance that the woman you know with OCD might have inherited it from one or both parents.

In my particular case, I have one parent who’s a control freak and another who’s a germophobes, so I’m pretty sure that I was born into this life. The girl you’re thinking about asking out was probably predisposed to the illness, too.

What about the woman who didn’t get it from her family members? It might also be taught, such as those who grew up with parents who expected “too much” from them. I don’t really have too much experience in this area, but I solidly believe that the way we’re raised plays a huge role in who we become as adults – and why would OCD be any different?


7. She deserves love, too.

If I can only teach you one thing about obsessive-compulsive disorder, it’s that the woman who’s suffering with it deserves just as much love as anyone else you could date. Every day, she struggles with obsessive thoughts (such as a fear of bad things happening, or feelings that she’s not good enough) and compulsive behaviors (such as the need to touch, count, or organize things).

The specific symptoms are different from person to person, but one thing is for sure: She is just as worthy and deserving of love as any other person on the planet.

That’s not to say it’ll be easy. In fact, dating someone with OCD might even be the hardest relationship you’ve ever been in. But it’s not because she doesn’t care – if anything, she probably cares too much. She might act a little “crazy” from time to time, but it’s not because she doesn’t love you.

It’s because she’s so paranoid she’s going to screw things up, that she’ll do anything in her power not to… And sometimes she overshoots a little bit. Try to be patient with her. I promise she’s harder on herself than you could ever be. Why add extra stress into the mix?


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24 Things You Should NEVER Do On A First Date

First dates can be hard. They’ve got all the awkwardness of talking to your crush, combined with the stark realization that you two are total strangers – and it’s a scary position to be in. Personally, I think that’s why lesbians have such a reputation for being serial monogamists – we just can’t stand the idea of first-dates, so we try to make sure we have as few of them as possible. Of course, this is way generalized, but let’s be real… First dates kinda suck.

But do you know what’s worse than a first date? A bad first date. There aren’t really too many totally universal deal-breakers out there, but if you’re doing any of these 24 things, you’re probably going to stay single for a while.


1. NEVER talk about anything you found while cyber-stalking her.

It’s great that you scanned her Facebook to make sure you didn’t say anything offensive – but if you bring up that crazy party she went to six months ago, that you were not at, it’s going to be really creepy, and you probably won’t get a second date.


2. NEVER ask for a kiss.

I know, I know – it’s good to get consent, and I totally feel you. But if you have to ask for a kiss, you’re going to kill the mood. Just roll with it – but be prepared to back off if she asks you to.


3. NEVER beg for a kiss.

Some people might be into the whole asking thing… But if you’re begging for a kiss, you’re not really setting a good impression of yourself. TBH, you’ll look a bit desperate. If she says no when you try, leave it at that.


4. NEVER propose, or say “I love you”.

Hate to break it to you, but “love at first sight” is total bullshit. Unless you’ve been talking for a really long time before taking things out in the real world, you don’t love her (yet) and you don’t want to marry her (yet). Give yourself some time!


5. NEVER play on your phone.

It should be silenced and left in your pocket or purse. No one wants to feel like they’re competing with technology for your attention.


6. NEVER split the bill.

Times can be hard, I get it – but there is some etiquette concerning proper first date protocol. Whoever asked should also pay – that’s just being polite!


7. NEVER bring friends with you.

Unless your date specifically said it was a “group thing” and you could bring friends, just don’t.


8. NEVER bring your pets with you.

This should go without saying, but… Your pets can be there in spirit, but not in reality. It’s okay to show a couple of pictures, if she asks, but don’t push the issue if she doesn’t.


9. NEVER talk about your therapist or your gynecologist.

I get it – you want a girlfriend who’s cool with the less-than-pleasant parts of you, too. But that can wait until you guys have gotten to know each other a little better.


10. NEVER talk about your ex.

It’s just bad juju – that relationship ended for a reason. If you bring up your ex to your new boo, she’s likely to think you still have feelings for her. (And, FYI, “animosity” still counts as a feeling.)


11. NEVER talk about your parents.

Okay, so she might ask where you grew up and all that… And there are some good reasons to talk about your family on a first date. But if she doesn’t ask, save it for later.


12. NEVER wear a swim suit as underwear.

How are you going to feel if things get a little heated and she finds out you’re wearing beach attire under your formal wear? Yikes.


13. NEVER treat it like a job interview.

It’s totally normal to want to get to know her better – but be very careful how you frame your questions. She’s not here to “apply for the position of girlfriend” – she’s here to have a good time with you. Don’t make it seem like a test.


14. NEVER imply that she is a tease.

She’s under no obligation to “give it up” to you, and if she isn’t feeling it, you have no rights over her body. And, if you call her a tease, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that you’ll never get any from her.


15. NEVER imply that she is a slut.

Just as bad as implying that she owes you something – implying that she “probably would”, or that you “knew she would”, give it up on the first date. Even if it’s true, slut-shaming is a no-go, and isn’t a good way to get a second date.


16. NEVER drop names to impress her.

So you met Beyonce that one time – totally cool! But if it doesn’t fit organically into the conversation, she’s going to know that you’re just trying to impress her, and it’s going to backfire.


17. NEVER tell your whole life story.

Again, it’s normal to get to know each other, but you need to leave a little mystery there. She doesn’t need to know that you got your tonsils removed when you were 7, or that your sister ran over your cat when she was learning to drive. Just stick with the basic summary, and let her learn more as you go along.


18. NEVER leave out the important details.

While it’s important to leave some things out, you shouldn’t leave out the important things, like whether you have kids, an STD, or you’re unemployed. Sure, it might seem like these things would ruin your chances of getting a second date, but wouldn’t you rather she be with you because she chooses to be, even knowing about your “downsides”?


19. NEVER talk about sex.

If you’re not already on your way to go have sex with her, you do not need to talk about your sexual prowess, or your sexual history. Without an emotional connection to back it up, it’s not going to turn her on – it’s going to make her uncomfortable.


20. NEVER get wasted.

It’s okay to have a few drinks to loosen up, but know your limits. If you puke on her shoes, she’s probably never going to go out with you again… Not to mention you won’t be able to remember what she’s talked about anyway.


21. NEVER share all of your dietary quirks.

If you have allergies or sensitivities and you’re going out to eat, it’s reasonable to ask the waiter about the things that could possibly kill you or make you sick. But if you’re just picky? Keep it to yourself – pickiness is equated with being high-maintenance.


22. NEVER wear dirty or falling-apart clothes.

It should be obvious, but… If there are stains, holes, or a bit of ketchup on anything you’re wearing, you’re not going to make a good impression. You don’t need to buy an all-new outfit, but your outfit needs to at least be clean.


23. NEVER try to schedule the second date.

Listen – I know you mean well. But you’re not the only person who has stuff to process after that first date. Give her time to think it over, and make sure you leave at least a few days for her to think about whether she even wants a second date with you or not. If you ask while you’re still on the first date, things could get really awkward if she says no.


24. NEVER have unprotected sex.

I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t sleep with someone on the first date. I mean, it’s not always the greatest idea, but if you’re both on board with it (and consenting adults), there’s no problem. But you should always use protection until you’re absolutely sure that you’re both clean and monogamous. No exceptions!


What other first-date blunders have you experienced? Was it something you did or something your date did? Share them in the comments!

8 Reasons Summer Is The Best Time to Be In A Relationship

For most of my adult life, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the summer. I love being able to spend time in the sunshine every day (it’s actually really good for your mental health), but my body temperature doesn’t really agree with extreme weather conditions.

When I get cold, I stay cold for hours, and when I get hot, I’ve got no choice but to strip down to my bra and boxers. Thankfully, I live in the middle of nowhere, so I can do this without judgment, but still… There’s something that sucks about the hot, sticky weather.

Even though I’m not a fan of summer weather, or the way my legs stick to my desk chair when I wear shorts (or the above-mentioned boxer and bra combo), I love being in a relationship when the weather starts heating up.

As much as I already love being in a relationship – like I’m sure most of us who are LTR-prone do – there’s something about the weather warming up that makes it that much better. Actually, there are 8 things – and I’m going to share them with you today.


1. You don’t need to worry about how your “beach bod” looks.

Now, before I dive too deep into this one, let me clarify something: You shouldn’t care about how your beach body looks to other people, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t. Even the most secure among us want to look good when we’re searching for a partner, as we should. Sure, we want someone who likes us for who we really are… But don’t we all put a little extra effort in when you’re single?

That’s not really the case when we’re in relationships. We want to look good for our partner, but we also know that she loves us just as we are – no effort required. If we have worked up a great beach body, we have the confidence that comes from doing it for ourselves and the person we love, instead of for random strangers who may or may not ever even come into the picture.


2. The days are longer, so you have more time to spend together.

As great as hanging out in the moonlight is, there’s something extra magical about watching the sun go down first. Now that summer is here, the sunset is coming closer to the end of your day, instead of right in the middle, so you can end your day with a little bit of cuddling in the still-warm air as the sun sinks into the horizon.

Okay, maybe that’s a little too flowery and poetic for some people – I can admit that my way isn’t the best way for everyone. But the longer days also mean that you can squeeze in more of the light-required activities you want to do together than you ever could in winter time. Of course, the longest day of the year has already passed, but you still have plenty of time before the days start getting shorter again – make the most of what you’ve got left!


3. You have more date options in the summer time.

This is a wonderful time of year to work on getting fit, or to do those physically-active hobbies that you wish you could enjoy year ‘round. And, since there’s also more time in the day, you don’t have to wrap things up so soon – you’ve got full sunshine much later in the day, and that makes night adventures even more possible.

(Note that I’m not using “night adventures” as a euphemism here, but that’s definitely an option too… Just make sure you’re not putting yourself at risk of being arrested!)


4. Clothing is optional when you’re together.

If you’re anything like me, you hate the idea of “having” to wear clothes all the time. But hot summer days are the perfect excuse to strip down and get a little more comfortable with your body. I guess technically clothing is always optional, but I hate the idea of jail time more than I hate the idea of clothes (and being naked without a good reason feels silly).

Since you’re spending all your time in less clothing than you’ve worn for the rest of the year anyway, it’s a perfect time to show off those body parts that haven’t been getting your partner’s closest attention. She likes your legs but hasn’t seen them since last September? This is what summer time is all about. Just make sure you’re taking the time to appreciate your girlfriend’s body, too – even if she’s totally body-confident already, everyone loves a sincere compliment.


5. Beach party? No problem – you’ve already got a date!

Listen… Looking for a partner is a lot more work than keeping a partner. So when you already have a date for those upcoming events, you can focus on being an awesome party-goer, instead of trying to pick up on all the new people you meet. (Unless, of course, you and your partner are looking for someone to bring home with you… But that’s another subject entirely.)

It’s more than just someone to hook up with, though. When you’ve got a partner you trust to accompany to those parties, you’ve got the comfort of knowing that someone has your back if you get just a little too tipsy, and she knows you’ve got her back, too. Summer is about having fun – not about worrying how you’re going to get home safely. (It should go without saying, but please, please don’t drink and drive. It’s better to blow money on a taxi than to find out you hurt or killed someone trying to get home on your own.)


6. Picnics are awesome, and they’re even more awesome with your girlfriend.

One of the most romantic (and simultaneously least expensive) types of going-out-to-eat is a picnic with the one you love. Make some sandwiches, or whip up her favorite travel-friendly meal, then head out for a great day in the sunshine. Not only are you soaking up that ever-important Vitamin D, but you’re also giving yourselves a peaceful opportunity to get closer to each other.

What if you can’t cook, or you don’t eat sandwiches? (Gluten-free, vegan, food allergies… Whatever the reason might be…) Take a book or a card game instead! Your day in the sun doesn’t have to be put on hold just because of your culinary or dietary restrictions. Just spending time together is half the fun anyway, so make it count in a way that works for you.


7. You’ve got a default road trip co-pilot.

First of all, let me be clear that your partner doesn’t exist to be your default anything – but that doesn’t mean that she won’t make a great copilot. (Or, in my case, a driver – someone please tell me I’m not the only 26-year-old without a license.) Having her next to you won’t relieve you of any apprehensions or fears about traveling, but it’ll give you a great experience to share together, and definitely a great memory for years to come.

If neither of you drives, or you can’t afford the time to take off work, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have a great summer adventure. Go on a hike, or explore your town as if you were tourists. This summer, anything is possible.


8. When all else fails, the end of summer can be the end of it.

One of the biggest apprehensions about relationships is that, one day, it will end, and at least one of you will totally be heartbroken over it. However, summer flings have a pre-defined deadline: The start of autumn. There aren’t really major expectations, because summer flings are – by definition – temporary.

Likewise, for those who have been in their relationship for a while already, summer gives you a chance to recreate yourself. If you don’t like the person that you’ve turned into, you’ve got more time in the day to make yourself a better partner, or even become the perfect no-strings-attached summer fling. Why not? Give yourself permission to be someone else.

After all, our personality isn’t a matter of our upbringing – it’s a matter of habit. Set the right habits, and you’ll see the changes in your life – why not start today?


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9 Signs Your Girlfriend Is Gonna Love You Forever

Have you ever caught yourself wondering if your relationship is meant to last, or if it’s just a temporary situation that could change at any time?

Of course, everything is temporary in the grand scheme of things, but when it comes to relationships, there’s temporary, and then there’s long-term. (I guess it could probably be argued that there’s also happily ever after – truly a category all its own – but I feel like there’s still one of you ending up missing the other…

Unless you do some wild Thelma & Louise thing. But I’m definitely not going to encourage that.)

That being said, there are definitely a few signs that the woman you’re with is planning to stick around for a while. There are no promises in life, but the more of these clues you see in your own relationship, the more likely it is that she’s going to stick around – so make sure you’re treating her just as well!


1. She takes care of you – emotionally and physically.

The woman who’s going to love you forever might not have all the answers, but that won’t stop her from doing what she can to take care of her lady. If you’ve had a particularly rough day at the office, she’ll rub your neck and shoulders, or run you a nice warm bath. She’ll cook you dinner and surprise you with coffee in the morning. Best of all (for me, at least), she lets you vent about your day, and she tries to cheer you up once you’ve cleared your chest.


2. She wants to spend time with you.

I’m not saying she’s going to try to spend every waking minute with you – that’s something else entirely. But the woman who truly loves you is going to want to spend time with you when she can. If she can’t spend time with you, she’ll check in periodically through text, IM, or a quick phone call. Again, she doesn’t have to constantly be glued to you, but she definitely doesn’t go ghost on you.


3. Sex isn’t a big deal.

Sure, your sex life seems like a dream, and when you do have sex, it’s pretty much the best sex you’ve ever had. (Thanks, chemistry and biology!) But sex just isn’t that important. It’s not why she wants to be with you – it’s just a great bonus. She has bigger priorities than just getting it on, and even when you aren’t in the mood, she still wants to be around you.


4. Your opinion matters to her.

If she has a tough decision to make – or any decision that affects you too – she’ll check in and get your advice before she makes a final choice. She values your input and knows that the things that affect her are going to affect you, too. She doesn’t ask you just because she thinks you’ll go along with what she was already going to do.


5. She opens up to you.

Different people have different levels of barriers, boundaries, and blockages, but the woman who loves you will let her walls down little by little. She’ll tell you things that she’s never been able to tell anyone, because she trusts that you won’t use this information against her. When you talk to her, you can trust that she’s telling you things to tell you things – not just to clear her own conscience.


6. She only has eyes for you.

It seems so cliché, but the woman who loves you isn’t going to want to chase after anyone else. When you’re together, she’s basking in the awesomeness that is you and doesn’t bother checking out other people in front of you. You’re pretty sure she doesn’t check anyone out when you’re not there, either, but you trust her too much to ask for sure. Most of all, she would never flirt with someone else – regardless of whether you’d find out. If another woman hits on her, she’s quick to let them know she’s spoken for.


7. She talks about the future with you.

The future can be a really scary place, but the woman who loves you wants to explore it together with you. You’re a part of her future plans – even though she checks with you first (see #4) – and she doesn’t want to think of a world after your love ends. The relationship might not be moving very fast, but it is moving, and you feel confident that you’re not moving farther away from each other (at least not on an emotional level – physical distance is sometimes unavoidable).


8. She’s proud of you and your accomplishments.

The woman who’s always going to love you is going to be like your own personal cheerleader – pom-poms optional. She’s proud of what you’ve accomplished, and she encourages you chase your dreams. She’s also happy to show you off, and it seems like everyone in her life knew all about you (and had appropriate compliments prepared the first time you met them). She also takes (or agrees to take) those cheesy couples’ selfies with you, because that’s what you do when you love someone, right?


9. She wants you to feel special.

Most importantly, the woman who’s always going to love you wants you to feel happy and appreciated. She lets you know how she feels whenever it’s appropriate. She appreciates the things you do for her, and she tries to do just as much for you. She may have been the first person to confess her feelings, too – and she regularly lets you know that they haven’t changed.


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8 Ways to Tell If Your New Hook-Up Is Actually Relationship Material

My current relationship started in a really weird place. We met through mutual friends on Facebook, and (from my end) it was never supposed to be anything serious. I had just finished being strung along by someone else who was totally horrible, so I really wasn’t looking for anything besides a quick orgasm and someone to make me feel better about myself.

(Side note, using people like this is not a great idea, but I told her from the beginning that’s all I wanted.)

As much as I hated to admit it, though, neither one of us was very good at keeping things casual. Our “first date” lasted longer than I’d like to confess over the internet, and I was back over at her house my next day off. It was crazy and hectic, and not all relationships work out like that, but ours did – and I know I’m not the only one.

Here are 8 signs that your casual hook-up might turn into something more.


1. She texts or calls to make sure you get home safely.

We’d like to think that everyone in our life cares enough to make sure we get home safely. But unfortunately, that’s not really the way things always work out. If your casual hook-up actually checks to make sure you get home safe, and lets you know that she got home safely, too, she’s probably a keeper.


2. She doesn’t go ghost on you.

Things come up throughout the course of the day, and that’s fine. But if your hookup makes sure to let you know when she’s been busy, instead of just waiting for you to text again, chances are, she’s actually girlfriend material. Even though it’s unreasonable to expect an immediate text back every time, you should expect that she’ll have a good reason for blowing you off, and she’ll let you know that she’s still into you even when she’s busy.


3. She kisses you on the forehead.

Or the hand, or the cheek… Or anywhere that doesn’t have a connection to sex. Lip and neck kisses are great, but they’re associated with deeper intimacy like sex and long-term relationships. Hand, cheek, and forehead kisses are sweet and unassuming, and a pretty good sign that she wants to be more than just a hook-up.


4. She asks you about your day.

We don’t usually make a big deal about people making small talk, but the reality is that it is a huge deal when it happens within a casual situationship. If she makes a point of asking about your day, even when she’s not trying to get into your pants, she’s probably not just trying to get into your pants.


5. She wants more than just sex.

You can enjoy sex with someone and still want more than just sex with them – and this is a great sign that your relationship could be something more. In my relationship, my girlfriend was the one who started pushing for something more, and I tried to fight it for the longest time – but she won in the end, and your lovey-dovey hook-up probably will, too.


6. She wants to learn more about you.

A casual hook-up doesn’t usually ask questions about your past and your future, but the girl who wants to be your girlfriend does. If she asks questions about your family, your dream job, and what you really want to be when you “grow up”, she might be more than just a hook-up – she might be the one!


7. She keeps pushing for “daylight dates”.

I’m not saying she’s necessarily pushing to spend the whole day in the sunshine (although that’s definitely an option). But if she’s trying to take you out on real dates, like to dinner or a movie or even just a walk in the park, she wants to be seen in public with you – and that’s definitely a sign she could be girlfriend material.


8. She lets her walls down for you.

The final sign that she’s probably into you as more than just a hook-up is that she actually lets her walls down for you and lets you see who she really is. She’s not hiding, because she’s totally into you and doesn’t care if you know it. In fact, she wants you to know it, even if she’s too afraid to put it into words. Pay attention to all those little cues – she’s leaving them out on purpose.


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9 Reasons Summer Is The Best Time Of Year To Be Single

Are you flying solo this summer? Whether you like it or night, there are a bunch of great reasons to stay single this summer. Here are a few of our favorites:


You don’t have any extra body heat in your bed.

I mean, have you ever tried cuddling in the humid months? No thank you! Give me my air conditioner and a nice soft sheet, please. Hot, sweaty cuddles are not really for me.


There are tons of fun “first date” options.

You could go skydiving, hiking, or even swimming in the ocean (if you live close enough to one). Sure, you could do these things with a long-term girlfriend, too, but they don’t have the same excitement once you’ve reached peak comfort zone…


There are tons of options to meet new people.

People are more inclined to spend their time out in public when the weather is warmer – as long as it’s not super hot and miserable. Then they just stay inside and check all the dating apps for someone who wants to go swimming or skydiving together.


People look more attractive in the summertime.

The combination of the sun’s rays and the wonderful effects they have on our mood means that everyone is going to look hot, fun, and just a bit more toned than they were the rest of the year. Just make sure you’re using proper sun protection – too much sun exposure can cause serious damage.


You’ll have more time to spend with your friends.

I know, I know – hanging with your girlfriend is great. But if you’re spending all your time wrapped around the person you’re sleeping with, you’re probably neglecting your friends – take some time to work on your friendships, too!


You have more time to be alone, too.

Maybe not everyone is as into alone time as I am, but when you’re single, you have more time to be your own person and work on your own stuff. Take advantage of it!


You don’t have to explain anything to anyone.

We all know the best relationships don’t require you to check in with anyone – but the truth is, most relationships require just a little bit of explanation to keep things clear. When you’re single, you don’t have to think of a reason why you were in a selfie with some hot chicks at that beach party. You just live your own life, without worrying about how it affects your girlfriend.


You can travel without an anchor.

For those who enjoy traveling, having a road trip co-pilot can be great… But only if your co-pilot has the same interests as you. Traveling by yourself removes any of the complications that come along with it, without having to worry about how you’ll keep a long distance relationship together.


You’re free to pursue a summer fling or two.

Have you ever wanted to have that crazy, lawless romance that only seems to happen during those warm summer nights? You can’t chase that type of romance when you’re in a relationship – so use your singledom as an excuse to check this one off your bucket list.


Do you have any reasons to add? Are you spending this summer single? Drop us a comment below and let us know!


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Everything You Want to Say To The Person You Love, But Can’t Be With Right Now

If you’ve ever been in love with someone you couldn’t actually be with, you know what a painful situation it is.

You long to be next to them, but you can’t – either because they already have a girlfriend, or you already have a girlfriend, or you’re just too busy or too far apart to make things work.

No matter what the reason is, there’s one thing that’s universal: It sucks.

There comes a point where you just have to take a deep breath and say the things that you’ve been dreading saying out loud. They hurt – but they need to be said.


I didn’t choose to fall in love with you.

It sucks, but it’s true – you can’t always choose who you fall for. You have some influence over how your feelings progress, but only if you catch things early enough to put a stop to them. Once full-fledged feelings develop, it’s really, really hard to get things back on track.


If I could change things, I would.

It’s completely normal to want to change things that are out of your control. Unfortunately, you can’t, because… Well… they’re out of your control. Dwelling on the things you wish were different in your life is a pointless endeavor unless you’re actually working to change the things that you think need changing.


It’s not your fault.

It’s really tempting to blame the person you fell for, for making you fall for them. Realistically, we know that they didn’t make us fall in love with them – we fell in love with them because of the person they were before we even came along. It’s hard to separate your hurt feelings from the actual blame, so make sure you leave a little distance.


It’s not my fault, either.

If we could just pick who we were in love with, I’m pretty sure cheating, long-term abusive relationships, and self-loathing homophobia/biphobia would all be non-existent. But since all three of these things really do happen, it’s pretty safe to say that who you love isn’t really your fault.


Just because I “shouldn’t”, doesn’t mean that I don’t.

When we have feelings for someone we know we can’t have, we tend to dwell on how much we shouldn’t have feelings for them. There’s a catch to this, though – the more we think about how we shouldn’t have feelings for them, the stronger our feelings grow. It’s best to remove the guilt as soon as you can, because – remember – this is not your fault.


Time and distance are bitches.

In many cases, when we love someone we know we can’t have right then, the problem isn’t really the love itself – it’s the timing or the distance between the people. These two things can make a huge difference on nearly every aspect of your life, and it’s no surprise that our love life always takes a back burner because of them.


Maybe someday, things will be different.

The greatest things about time and distance, as much as they may get in the way sometimes, is that they’re temporary situations. The timing will change – either for better or for worse – and your distance and location can change, too. That doesn’t mean that things will work out in your favor, but it does mean that things aren’t always going to be like this.


But for now, you’re a distraction.

Love can be a major distraction, and sometimes that’s a good thing. But when the person you love isn’t able to be a positive distraction in your life – such as someone to turn to when things are rough, or someone to lean on for support – they might be hurting you more than they’re adding value to your life.


I need to let you go, for me.

As much as you probably don’t want to let go, you need to. Any relationship (whether romantic, sexual, or platonic) that is bringing you more pain than happiness is not worth hanging onto, no matter how much you think it’s going to hurt to let go. What’s more is that you’re not able to be friends with someone you have feelings for, because your brain will try to position you for the things it thinks are better – which could be disastrous.


But I’ll never forget you.

You can move on from someone without forgetting them, and pretty much anyone you have to consciously decide to move on from is going to make an impact on your life, in one way or another. Just because you’ve decided to let them go doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to think about them in the future. Try to let go before these thoughts turn to ones of resentment – trust me, it’s better to leave things happy.

19 Things You And Your Girlfriend Need To Do Together Before The End Of The Year

It’s really easy to get overwhelmed with the day-to-day activities in life and forget all about the little things that make all the difference.

If you and your girlfriend are going through a stressful part in your life, take a little time for yourself and do these 19 sure-to-please relationship boosters.

Then, check back into the comments and let us know what you think! Did these little tips help bring you two closer together?

Some of these are things you can do now, while the weather is still warm, and others can be done after it starts to cool down a little bit. Don’t worry – there’s still plenty of time left in 2016 to make your relationship goals a reality.


1. Visit your local farmer’s market.

Shopping locally is a great way to support the people in your community, and it gives you an inside look to the locally-grown food in your area. Visiting your local farmer’s market is a great way to spend the day in the sunshine while also picking up some great food you might not have thought to prepare!

Once you’ve picked up the fruits and vegetables that interest you, find a recipe and make something amazing. (Or, if you’re more of a planner, like me, check out the recipes before you hit the farmer’s market so you know what to be on the lookout for.)


2. Get a couple’s massage.

All too often, we put our personal pampering on the back burner when things get a little hectic. It seems like these things are the easiest to put off, but really, getting them taken care of on a regular basis can increase your overall mood and make those mundane daily tasks just a little more bearable.

If you can’t afford to hit the spa, give each other a sensual massage in the comfort of your own home! There are a number of great massage oils available for a decent price online. My personal favorite is EO Lavender Massage Oil. It has the lovely, relaxing smell of lavender with the amazing skin nourishment of almond oil. Make sure you’re using massage oils that are made from real essential oils – they’re the best for your skin, and there’s no chemical smell. It’s a win-win!


3. Make a blanket fort and watch old movies together.

If you’re anything like me, you probably haven’t made a blanket fort since you were a kid. But now that you’re adults, living in your own place – why not? It’ll give you a nice secluded space to cuddle in, and it gives the perfect backdrop for your home movie marathons. Best of all, you already have everything you need!

Blanket forts are great, because they purposely take us out of our “grown-up comfort zones”. Making a blanket fort together is not only a great bonding activity, but it also reminds you of the childlike innocence you’ve probably left behind. After all, you’ve got your whole life to be an adult – why do you have to cut out all of the fun stuff?


4. Go skinny dipping.

Okay, I know skinny dipping isn’t really everyone’s cup of tea. In fact, I’m not too partial to being naked without a “good reason” myself. But skinny dipping is a great reason to be naked with your partner, and as long as you’re respecting your local laws, there’s really nothing wrong with it. The naked human body is often scrutinized and labeled as dirty, even though – realistically – we were born naked, and in many cultures, nudity is still celebrated.

If you’re concerned about being caught and fined, aim to go skinny dipping in a private pool, or a secluded clearing in the trees. Still nervous? Try swimming in your underwear, instead of an actual swimsuit. It gives a similar rush without the risk of a ticket.


5. Have a date in your own living room.

All too often we get caught up in the idea that a date has to be some fancy, extravagant event. That’s not the case at all. A candlelit dinner by the fire is just as romantic, and can be done for a lot cheaper, leaving you more money for those all-too-important essentials, without making you pick up any extra work.

There are a few rules to dating inside your home, though – such as turn off the television and make sure the room is tidy first. A cluttered environment can distract you and stress you out, and “noise pollution” has a very similar effect. Instead, focus on one another’s company, and let yourselves enjoy the time you spend together. Your relationship is definitely worth it.


6. Ride a Ferris wheel together.

If you’re lucky enough to have a fair or carnival near you, the Ferris wheel is one of the most romantic rides around. Sure, the rest of the rides might be a little more exhilarating, but you can’t really make out on a log ride. Take some time to enjoy the scenery and each other’s company by riding the Ferris wheel!

For those who are a little more adventurous, I’ve even seen some videos of people getting a little “intimate” at their local amusement park… But be warned, if you try this and you get caught, you will most likely be kicked out, and possibly even ticketed. Make sure you know your local laws before you get too frisky!


7. Spend an entire weekend in bed.

Of course, if you have ten tons of things to do before Monday, this might not be a great idea, but chances are you’ll have at least a few days off together with no plans. Make the most of this time to bring your relationship closer – cuddling, making out, and even getting frisky under the covers. But whatever you do – don’t get caught up in those stressful things – this is all about the two of you!

Let the romance shine in between the sheets, but don’t forget to take some time to take care of yourselves, too. Take a bubble bath or shower together to crank up the heat, and maybe even add in that fireside dinner this weekend, too. It’s your relationship – take control and make it amazing!


8. Go out stargazing.

Whether you pull up a blanket in the back yard, hang out on top of the roof, or go for a drive to lay on the beach, stargazing is a romantic date idea that’s been observed for centuries. Take a little time to return to your roots, and just spend the night under the stars. If you’re feeling ambitious, bring a tent – and watch the sunrise together, too!

For a little extra excitement, consider bringing some massage oils, or even some toys and lube. There’s something sexy about being under the stars (which probably comes from centuries of people getting it on in the moonlight), so take advantage of this instant mood-setting scene to reignite that fire. After all, you’ve got all this time devoted to just the two of you – what else are you going to do when you get bored of seeing the same stars?


9. Check out your county fair.

Now, I know that not every county actually has a county fair – I personally have to travel about a half an hour to get to my closest one. But chances are, there’s somewhere you can go to take in the sights and sounds. If you don’t have a county fair, keep an eye out for an amusement park, a carnival, or an outdoor festival. Just remember to only bring as much money as you need – these things can get pretty expensive, pretty fast!

While you’re at the fair (or fair-like event), make sure you take lots of pictures to document the fun time you spend together. These photos will make great memories for the future, and you can even have them printed out to hang on your walls. Most likely, there will be some other fairgoers willing to help you capture your magical moments, so don’t be afraid to ask!


10. Have sex somewhere new and exciting.

If you’ve been stuck in a rut of only having the same type of sex, in the same place, and it’s starting to get a little boring, why not try changing up the scenery a little bit? Most likely, there are a number of places you haven’t experienced an orgasm yet, so why not make a list and start checking things off? The kitchen, living room, and bathroom are all great places to start, if you’ve never had sex anywhere “crazy” before.

Your new place to get frisky should be at least mostly private (I get the thrill of being caught, but you don’t actually want to get caught). Try for places like the beach, the pool, or maybe even the trampoline that’s been collecting dust in the back yard. Just make sure wherever you go, it’s clean beforehand – or bring a blanket that is.


11. Support your local high school sports teams.

No matter what sports you’re into, or what sports your local schools play, it’s always a great idea to help support the next generation. Most of the sales that happen at these local games will directly benefit the kids who play, with some going to help the other kids at their school, too. It’s a great way to give back, without the commitment of charity work or volunteering.

What if your local schools don’t play sports, or there’s nothing open to the public? You can still help support them by donating or purchasing merchandise. While these things seem cheesy and unimportant, you could be making a difference in someone’s life and education – and isn’t that worth a little cheese?


12. Learn a new language together.

First of all, let me start by saying that it’s nearly impossible to become fluent in another language in just a few months. It takes the brain years to learn all the vocabulary associated with a new language, so unless you’ve got a ton of time on your hands (and a really good memory), you’re not going to really succeed with this one.

But learning things with your partner has even greater benefits than learning them on your own. Not only do you get an automatic accountability partner, but if you choose one of the love languages and focus on the romantic things, you could have your own secret way to communicate those sweet nothings, and that’s extra sweet.


13. Go on a scenic hike.

When the weather is nice, it’s a great time to go for a hike. You get to take in the scenery around you, and you might even come face-to-face with the local wildlife. (Please don’t touch the wildlife, though – you could spread zoonotic diseases to the animals or to yourself, not to mention they might bite or scratch you.)

This is another great opportunity to take some photographs, too. Soak in the memories of the day, and snap (or sketch) some pictures of your favorite parts. For an added bonus, get the pictures printed and bound into a memory book – it’ll give you an easy way to look back, even well into the future.


14. Spend the whole night dancing.

If you’ve got local dance bars in your area, this is a great place to start – but for those who don’t, you can get started in your living room just as easily. Turn on some slow jams (or your romantic music of choice) and waltz, salsa, and grind all over the dancefloor (or rug – whichever the case may be).

But what if you don’t really know how to dance? You can either make it up as you go, or take a dance class together. Just like with learning another language, learning with your partner is a great way to bring you closer together and make it feel less like a “class” – and more like a “date” in front of a bunch of other strangers. You’re welcome.


15. Bake a pie or cake together.

I’m a huge fan of baking, myself. It might just be my favorite kind of cooking. But, to be fair, that’s probably because you can’t really make a cake on the stove. (Unless it’s a pancake, of course, and I am all over those, too.) It doesn’t matter if you’re baking from a box or from your grandmother’s closely-guarded family recipe – baking together is fun, and then you have dessert, too!

For an added challenge, try baking something from scratch that neither of you has ever made before. Personally, I’ve never successfully made brownies, so I’d probably schedule that to try with my girlfriend. Your experience may vary – so do what works for you!


16. Play sexy hide-and-seek.

Yet again, we’re going to take one of those activities you did as a child and turn it into an excuse to get intimate: Hide-and-seek! The rules for sexy hide-and-seek are pretty similar to the version you played as a child, except that every time you’re “found”, you have to remove an item of clothing. Once one of you is completely naked, the other gets to have their way. It’s fun, sexy, and just a little bit naughty.

Try to play in rooms of your house that you’ve never had sex in, so that the excitement of the chase is just a little more exciting. I’m partial to kitchen, bathroom, and closet sex myself, so if I was trying to push my boundaries, I’d probably go for the living room or the dining room. It’s up to you – whatever gets your motor running is the perfect place to play.


17. Go for a long country drive.

We tend to rely on our cars for efficiency and transportation, rather than for taking in the sights and sounds of the countryside. It can be a bit expensive to fill the tank, so driving without a clear-cut destination is scary for those of us on a stricter budget. But when your destination is “a happier relationship”, you don’t really need a specific place to end up.

Roll the windows down, and enjoy the gentle breeze. Crank up the stereo and sing along to your favorite tunes. No matter what parts of the drive are the most fun for you, try to make a point to get closer to one another – you’re worth it!


18. Make your own Valentine’s day.

The month of February is often reserved for our romantic expressions, but truthfully, we need to bring Valentine’s day to everyday if we want our relationships to be their best. Pick a random day and make it your own personal Valentine’s day. Try to turn it into a regular habit – and don’t hold back on the romance!

One of the greatest things about celebrating Valentine’s day on your own day is that the lines for your favorite restaurants will be shorter, or maybe even non-existent. Even if everyone on the planet picked their own Valentine’s day to celebrate, the amount of foot-traffic in those nice restaurants would be a lot more spread out. Everybody wins!


19. Carve your initials into a tree.

Okay, I know this one seems a bit juvenile, and in some ways it’s even environmentally irresponsible. (In case you didn’t know, the initials stay in the tree because you’ve killed it in that spot.) But as far as having a symbol of your undying love, there aren’t too many things that compare to knowing that there’s a permanent mark of your love printed where everyone can see it.

Really rather not cut up a tree? You can accomplish a similar thing simply by planting a new tree. It won’t have quite the same symbolism to everyone else, but the two of you will always know what the tree stands for. You can even have a plaque engraved to mark the spot in front of the tree, if you’d rather have the joy of seeing your initials there.

Did you enjoy our list? Do you have more ideas to add? Let us know in the comments!


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15 Facts You Need To Know Before You Tie The Knot

Yippee! So you’ve both finally decided getting married is the right thing to do, but can your relationship survive forever? Let’s take a look.


Waiting until you are at least 23 means you are less likely to get divorced.

According to a 2014 study carried out at the University of North Carolina more marriages survive if both are over the age of 23. The divorce rate is only 30% compared to people that get married under the age of 23. They have a divorce rate of 60%.


The ‘honeymoon period’ only lasts around one year

You’ve all heard the expression of the ‘honeymoon period.’ This is a phrase used to express those early days of love when everything seems perfect. Unfortunately, this phase is heeded by a chemical in the body called Nerve Growth Factor, and according to a 2005 study carried out by the University of Pavia in Italy the chemical levels start to drop after a year. This is an evolutional necessity as it makes sure we do not remain in a high anxiety state as that can be metabolically dangerous to us mere mortals.


Two people can be compatible and incompatible on different levels

During the 1950’s and 1960’s a Canadian psychologist called Eric Berne claimed we have three tiers to our identity. The parent, the child and the adult. In a relationship the parent part of us is concerned with or values and beliefs in the world, our child side is concerned with the fun we have together and the adult identity questions our partner’s intelligence and how we solve problems together. We tend to seek partners that balance us out, so one may have more of the child in them and the other more of the adult. If the equilibrium is good, the relationship will be, but if it’s not well balanced this could cause problems.


Friendship in the relationship makes the strongest marriages.

A study carried out in 2014 by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that couples who are also best friends. Friendship in a marriage increases and can explain why good marriages survive and give life satisfaction.


Couples around the same age are less at risk from divorce

A study conducted with 3000 Americans who had been married found that age plays a big part in whether the marriage can survive. If the couple have only one-year age difference between them they are only 3% more likely to get divorced, but a five-year age gap increases that to 18% more likely. When that goes up to ten years you are 39% more likely to split up.


If your partner’s good news excites you, your relationship will be better.

If you are genuinely excited when your partner tells you something good has happened and you don’t just dismiss it or not take any notice, you are more likely to stay together.  Amie Gordon, a social psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley said a genuine response of happiness that something good has happened to your partner will make them feel good and shows strength in the relationship.


Couples who do chores together stay together

Yes, apparently this is true! If one of you does more chores than the other, it can build resentment which is detrimental in a relationship. In one study 60% of Americans said that sharing chores equally was a crucial part of a successful marriage. So in other words, gals, washing those dishes between you both will help keep you together.


The standards of Marriage are higher than ever

Years ago people would get married for a variety of reasons. Money, housing and security being just a few. These days we expect a lot more and we expect to get personal fulfilment from our marriage.


Couples never completely get to know each other

In 1997 a study was carried out between married couples and it was discovered that the longer you had been together did not mean you know everything about your partner, especially when it comes to their own personal opinions. When couples were asked how their other half would rate themselves regarding looks, intelligence and sportiness, only 30% gave the correct answer.


If you moved in with your partner to ‘test’ the relationship you are not confident in the relationship itself

Researchers at the University of Denver discovered that couples who move in together to test how they get on actually know on a deeper level they are not really compatible and they suffered more from anxiety and depression. This is the time for honesty when one has to look at the reasons they moved in together in the first place.


If you rely financially on your partner you are more likely to cheat

Research carried out at the University of Connecticut discovered that if you rely financially on your partner you are far more likely to cheat on them then they would you. This could be for many reasons including giving your self-esteem a boost because you feel inferior to your partner’s better earnings, or you are simply rebelling against the fact you feel like a kept woman.


We all think everyone else cheats except our own partner

A 2015 study carried out at Calgary University discovered that people think there is a 40% chance people cheat on their partners, but they rated on average the likelihood of their partners cheating on them was only 5%.


Appreciating each other means you are more likely to stay together

Erin Brodwin from Business Insider reported that having gratitude towards your partner could be the key to a long lasting relationship. Everybody feels healthier and happier if they know their partner appreciates what they do for them so it makes sense that making your partner feel good and her doing the same for you means your relationship is far more likely to survive.


In time you realize you are not one person but individuals

It’s only over time that couples realize they really are different people with different thoughts, opinions and attitudes. Early on in the relationship it’s easy to see so similarities to our partners but over time those similarities can also contain differences of opinions. Ellyn Bader, a couple’s therapist states that we begin to realise over time that we can see someone as one thing but over time we then see they are different to what we thought they were.


The quality of sex is more important than how often you have it

A study was carried out where one group of participants had sex twice as often as usual and the other group continued their usual sex lives. The group that had sex twice as often were in fact less happy than the other group who carried on as usual. A classic case of quality over quality.

So there you have it girls. 15 facts for you to mull over and look at honestly before you decide once and for all if getting hitched is the right thing to do.


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How Your Mental Health Affects Your Romantic Relationships

I’m going to share something with you that not everyone knows: I suffer from pretty severe anxiety, and mild OCD. This combination is something that affects almost every part of my life, in one way or another, and it often gets in the way of the things I want or need to do. There have been more weeks than I can count where my anxiety flared up right before a big deadline, or when I couldn’t focus on work because I was missing something that had literally nothing to do with anything important… But my brain turned it into this huge deal.

(I actually wrote about an anxiety attack that was triggered by a missing pen in this post.)

Sure, it’s not always that bad. There are days when I’m perfectly fine, and one of the most productive members of society that I know. There are days when everything is amazing, just like most people who struggle with a mental illness. But just because you’re okay one day doesn’t mean that everything is fine – it just means that you had a good day.

When it comes to our romantic relationships, the effects can be even more obvious. It’s either way too easy or way too difficult to remember that we have an impact on the people around us… So as much as we’d like to keep our mental illness to ourselves, it’s going to affect our relationships in a number of really big ways.


Stigmas make it difficult to talk about.

Most people with mental illnesses (or any other invisible illnesses) tend to not like talking about them because of the stigmas associated with them. It sucks, but the media is not our friend here. Most of the information that the average not-struggling person knows about mental health, they learn from fictional TV shows – most of which don’t paint a very true picture. We know the way television characters with mental illness act, and although the good representation is finding its way in, slowly, there’s still a long way to go.

Aside from the stereotypes we see on TV and in movies, we also know that people often associate mental illness, or talking about mental illness, with attention-seeking behavior. I’m sure we’ve all heard that old cliché that reaching out for help means you’re just looking for attention, which causes many of us to not ask for help when we really need it. I was guilty of this one a lot as a teenager, still coming to terms with my sexuality and my anxiety and dealing with high school. If I asked for help, people would think I was needy. So I struggled with it on my own.

We also worry that telling someone will change the way they feel about us. We fight our own battles, because we don’t want to give someone else the power to use our illness against us. Once you combine the stigmas with the way the mental illnesses affect our way of thinking, the thought of telling someone you love can become really, really scary.


Our symptoms get in the way of our daily lives.

A lot of people say that mental illness is all in your head. Well, they’re not wrong – it is entirely centered around the brain, after all. But since the brain controls literally every other part of your life, something going wrong in your brain can seriously mess up your whole day, and if left alone, it can cause some major long-term damage.

What’s even worse is that many mental health issues have symptoms that look a lot like just being a bad partner. Anxiety looks a lot like insecurity, and anxious people tend to need a lot of reassurance from their partners. This can make them seem clingy or jealous, even though they’re really just trying to confirm that their thoughts aren’t logical.

Depression is another battle entirely. Some of the symptoms of depression look a lot like apathy, boredom, or a lack of ambition (and, in many ways, a person suffering from depression is probably apathetic, bored, and lacking in ambition – at least while they’re struggling). The person suffering from depression lacks the drive needed to get out of bed, or to do anything fun, which can be frustrating to her partner.

Bipolar disorder is a different monster entirely, as it can look like depression or it can be the complete opposite. Being manic means that the person will be impulsive, moody, and possibly even violent. This is usually followed by a period of severe depression. People with OCD or eating disorders might seem like (and even act like) control freaks, when really they’re just trying to get a handle on their own lives – not to control yours. There are probably a bunch of other mental illnesses out there that I don’t have direct personal experience with, so please share in the comments if there’s something I’ve missed!


We still have our mental illness, even when we seem well-managed.

One of the scariest parts of dealing with a mental illness is knowing that it’s never really gone, although the right treatment options can make a huge difference in how much our illness interferes with our daily lives. But treatment options are confusing – how do you choose between medication or behavior therapy or counseling, anyway? What if you try a new medication, and it actually makes things worse? (Yes, that happens sometimes.)

Many people ignore or minimize mental illness unless a person is actually in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Just because we find a treatment that works well for us doesn’t mean that we’re magically OK, and there are going to be bad days with any treatment. (As far as I’m aware, there’s no 100% cure for mental illness – just things that work for some people and some that work for others.) This means that things can pop up even if it’s been a really long time since the last time we had an episode… And that means we have to tell our partner once things get too serious, no matter how scary it is.


Mental illness sucks up your attention and your energy.

There are going to be days when we are completely used up and there’s nothing left to give to our partners. We know it looks bad, especially if it’s been a long streak without any intimacy. For someone who doesn’t understand the implications, it might seem like we’re uninterested, or that we’re falling out of love. This is not the case. It’s just that our illness is taking everything out of us, and there’s not enough left over.

Usually, these periods where there’s nothing left don’t last too long… But sometimes they do. Sometimes we go weeks or months without being in the mood, simply because we’re struggling a little harder. We can’t stop thinking about the way our brains are sabotaging us. We can’t stop thinking about how we’re hurting our partners, through no fault of their own. As bad as we already feel about our mental illness, we feel worse because our illness won’t stop reminding us about how we’re hurting them.


We need someone patient and brave.

Being with someone who struggles with mental illness takes someone brave, courageous, and proactive. It takes someone who’s willing to help us just by being there for us, not by putting us in a box on the shelf. We’re not fragile – we just process brain chemicals differently. It literally comes down to science.

We need someone who is patient enough to wait with us when times are hard, because that’s when we need the most love (even if we say we don’t want it). We need someone who’s brave enough to stick it out when we try a new treatment, and be there to help us tell the doctors what we can’t put into words (but only if we ask you to). We don’t need someone to take care of us… We just need someone to remind us how to take care of ourselves.

7 Ways You’re Unintentionally Sabotaging Your Chances At Love

Are you fed up with a dull love life that’s seriously lacking in long-term relationship potential? I think we’ve all had that phase in our lives where it seems like finding someone to settle down with is the most important thing – or, at least those of us who consider ourselves deeply romantic have. But if you’re making one of these 7 dating scene disasters, you’re probably setting yourself up to fail.


1. You’re looking too hard.

It’s been said thousands upon thousands of times, but it still rings as true as the first time it was said: You can’t find love if you’re desperate for it. When you focus your life around finding your perfect soul mate, you’re missing the chance to be the best version of yourself. In order for someone else to truly accept you for yourself, you need to lead by example.

Discovering the things you love about yourself will help you clarify the things you want your partner to like about you. Likewise, discovering the things you don’t like about yourself tells you the things you need your partner to love about you. Being a good partner isn’t about doing everything right in the relationship – it’s about being the right person for the person you find.

More than just ignoring the rest of your life, though, focusing too hard on finding the perfect girlfriend, you’re completely looking over all the great ones. It’s nice to find your soul mate, but true love has to be crafted by hand, with care – you’re not going to just happen upon the person who’s exactly what you want. That type of perfection takes years of working toward mutual goals.


2. You’re not looking hard enough.

While focusing your life around finding a girlfriend isn’t a good way to go, it’s also possible that you’re not actually looking for a girlfriend enough. Well, that is to say that you could be unconsciously avoiding all the places your dream woman spends her time. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result – are you still going to the same places you’ve never met someone before?

Human growth and development requires us to break out of our comfort zones from time to time. Whether this is something simple, like going out to the bar all by yourself, or something totally new, like hiking through the Grand Canyon with a spirit guide, you need to have some excitement in your life!

Be careful, though – if you’re going out of your way to do things you know you don’t like, just to meet someone, you’re not going to like the women you meet. The whole point of trying new things to meet someone is so that you’ll meet someone you have shared interests with. Do the things you love, and you’ll find the person you love later.


3. You’re looking in the wrong places.

We started to get into this one already, but there’s a little more to the “wrong places” than just sticking to things you enjoy. It’s also important to remember that the world is not just one big dating site, and there are people out there who aren’t looking for love or romance. If the general atmosphere of the venue doesn’t give off a “looking to mingle” sort of vibe, play it safe and stick to polite conversation.

Even if the scene is set for romantic connections, remember to be respectful of the people you talk to. It’s easy to forget that no one really owes us anything, so just because someone agrees to talk to you doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to go home with you. Remember that you have a responsibility to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can – so start making some better first impressions!


4. Your expectations are too high (or too specific).

My absolute favorite romantic movies are the ones where the couple starts off being unable to stand each other and then, over the course of the film, they start to realize that they’re madly in love with each other. The romances where they hit it off right away and get married on the third date? No, thanks – that doesn’t sound like anything that’s sustainable long-term. I want a romance that builds over the years, not just a wildfire that’s out in a few weeks.

If you expect that you’re going to find love at first sight, you’re hoping for a psychological impossibility. Although we use the word “love” to refer to the feelings we have for a person, it’s actually a description of the things we do for a person, and the specific reasons we have feelings for them. Love is so much more than just those butterflies you get when you see someone attractive.

Trust, love, and respect are all interconnected, and all three take time to develop. (There’s also a bit of chemistry and biology in play, too, but that’s another subject for another day.) If you’re dismissing the people who are truly good to you, just because they don’t sweep you off your feet, you might be throwing away your one true love. Isn’t it more important to focus on the things you need, instead of the things you want?


5. You don’t know what you’re looking for.

Obviously, too specific of goals makes it really difficult to find what you’re looking for. However, too general of goals are also bad, because you won’t have the right framework to judge your potential future partners against. Remember, this isn’t about how they compare to your ex – it’s about how they compare to your strengths and weaknesses.

All too often, we think we want someone just like us, because we figure we’ll get along pretty well. But when we talk to people who are like us, we don’t really find them attractive, or they annoy us to an unreasonable extent. Then, we get frustrated because we end up falling for someone who’s our total opposite – and then we can’t stand actually being with them.

Instead, we should focus on someone who complements us without trying to change us. Your perfect match is the person whose strengths make up for your weaknesses, and whose interests complement yours. When someone says that they’re looking for someone to complete them, what they probably don’t realize they mean is that they need someone who helps fill in their loose edges. For example, I tend to be more analytical, but I’m most drawn to people who are spontaneous. It’s about finding the person who will bring balance into your life.


6. You don’t care about your appearance.

Everyone wants to think that they’re not so shallow that they form opinions based on external appearances. While most people can look past a bad first impression and get to know someone before they decide anything, that doesn’t change the fact that first impressions are usually very shallow. We all make subconscious judgments about people based on the way they look or act, even if we don’t use these judgments for any specific purpose.

If you’re trying to give yourself the best chance of finding love, you’ll need to actually pay attention to the way you present yourself. We’re not necessarily talking about being fashionable – although that certainly is an option – but do take care that your clothes are presentable and comfortable to you. Wearing clothes that aren’t really your style will make you appear less confident and possibly even insecure – not really a great combo for picking up a date!

Thankfully, you can look good without making it your sole purpose in life. Take some time to get comfortable with the things you wear, and get rid of anything that’s in bad shape or that doesn’t make you feel confident. If you wear makeup to impress others, even though you don’t really enjoy it, stop! Your appearance is more about doing the right things for your personal satisfaction, and finding a partner who embraces your unique style.


7. You don’t pay enough attention to your personal hygiene.

Believe it or not, as important as your appearance and presentation are, the way you smell is probably more important. We know that we should shower regularly, wash our clothes, and brush our teeth – but is that really all you should be doing? Unless you’re paying attention to the finer details of your self-care routine, too, you’re probably still not making the best first impressions. You want to smell good, without being overpowering – and it’s a very fine line, trust me.

Some women like to choose a “signature product line” that they think complements them well. This could be something as simple as a consistent shampoo, conditioner, and body wash combination, or it could be as complicated as 42 carefully-chosen products that work together to turn you from a self-proclaimed 7 to an absolute knockout. Other women prefer to collect a number of products and use them as they feel appropriate. (Personally, I have perfumes that are dedicated to go with certain outfits – don’t judge me.)

Whatever your personal product choices might be, you should take care to be clean and good-smelling, while avoiding any strong scents that can aggravate allergies. As someone who is allergic to a lot of smells, I’m acutely aware of how much of an impact smells can have. While you can’t really anticipate sensitivities, try to make sure your scents are subtle enough that you can give her air if she needs it – and, if you get a date, try not to wear that scent around her again.


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6 Tips To Make Sure Every Arguemnt With Your Girlfriend Is A Productive One

Many people think that people in happy, healthy relationships don’t fight. The idea is that, if you’re not arguing, you must be agreeing… Right? Unfortunately, that’s not true.

If the people involved in a relationship never fight or argue, it’s actually a sign that their relationship is pretty screwed up. You see, we’ve all become too sensitive to human emotions, so we’d rather pretend we don’t have any than admit that they’re not always sunshine and rainbows.

However, just because you should argue with your partner doesn’t mean you should argue about everything. Choosing your battles is an essential skill – not just in your love life, but in your life in general – and they should never turn into an all-out brawl.

So, what can you do to make sure you’re only fighting the good fight?


Be clear about what’s important to you.

Are you fighting just to fight, or do you have a clear-cut goal in mind? If you’re upset about your partner not doing her fair share around the house, you need to address the issue specifically – not just tell her that she’s being lazy and/or immature. If the problem is that she’s acting shady, be clear about that – but don’t accuse her unless you know she’s actually cheating. You don’t need an annotated PowerPoint with a speech rehearsed, but you should know exactly what you’re fighting about, and focus on making it about what’s important – not just every complaint that crosses your mind.

It’s all too easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you’re fighting with your partner, but if you don’t even understand your own expectations, how is your girlfriend supposed to know what you want? Clear your mind, and make sure you’re fighting for the things that are actually important to you – not just the things that annoy you.


Refuse to name-call or attack her personality.

If you’ve let the anger build up for too long, it’s easy to get swept up in it and lash out. But when you resort to personal attacks and name-calling, you’re throwing away a lot of the relationship’s potential. These personal attacks and name-calling are hard to forget about, and can cause permanent damage to a person’s self-esteem (if their self-esteem is already low to begin with). More than just that, it’s rude and ineffective.

Any time you make a fight with your partner about anything other than what it’s really about, you’re taking away your power to fix the problem. You’re destroying your ability to mend the relationship, and instead you’re helping to break it apart. Words said out of anger can easily take over the whole conversation, and over time you might even train each other to ignore each other’s grievances – after all, if they’re just going to be personal attacks, your brain is going to want to tune them out. It’s human nature.


Resist the urge to yell.

When we think of a fight with our partner, we often feel like there are only two options: The passive aggressive or the active aggressive. We know that passive-aggressiveness makes it difficult to resolve conflicts, especially once it becomes habit, but active-aggressiveness isn’t effective, either. When you raise your voice, your partner is less likely to listen to what you’re saying, because it perceives it as negative. Our brains don’t like negative input, especially when given aggressively – so we tune it out.

More than just that, yelling about your problems makes it more likely that other people may overhear and try to intervene. In some cases, fighting is necessary, but when you’re inviting other people into your private drama, you’re inviting trouble, and giving people the impression that your relationship is open to outside opinions. Which brings us to…


Keep it between the two of you.

Personally, I’m not a very private person. I’m the type of person who posts pictures of her journal on her Instagram, and pictures of my failures on my Facebook timeline. But any time there’s another person involved, it’s not just your private life that you’re risking – it’s hers, too, and she deserves to have a little privacy.

So what are you supposed to do if you need to vent, or you need advice? Well, broadcasting your problems on your social media accounts isn’t the right place to start (even if you’re super vague about it). Stick with your most trusted friends and family members for advice, or find somewhere you can ask anonymously. If you just need to complain, write it all down – journaling is a time-honored way of “unpacking” your brain. And, most of all, don’t let anyone else rock the boat – your relationship isn’t for making everyone happy, it’s about making the two of you happy.


Keep your expectations fair and reasonable.

Change takes time, and a significant amount of effort – your partner has to want to change, or it’s never going to happen. You shouldn’t ever expect her to give up the things that make her happy, or the things that make her who she is. In fact, you shouldn’t expect her to change anything – if the relationship is worth more to her than what you need her to give up, she’ll make the change on her own. Pushing her into it will just cause more problems.

Even if your partner is ready and willing to make the changes you’d like her to make, that change is still going to take time. Even with dedication and commitment, improvement happens at a rate of about 1% per day – tops. This means that it’s going to take at least three months for the situation to go from total crap to something you want to be involved in. More than that, there’s no guarantee that the situation is going to improve every single day, especially if she isn’t fully on board with the idea. Be patient, and remember that catching the problem earlier increases your chances for getting back on the right track.


Don’t wait until there’s an explosion.

Lastly, the most important thing to remember when you’re dealing with relationship problems is that, like many other issues, the time it takes you to admit there’s a problem is directly proportionate to the amount of effort required to fix the problem. When a problem first starts, it’s usually not a very big deal, but it doesn’t take long for the human brain to start developing habits – so you’ll need to focus on making sure you’re developing good habits.

The longer you’ve had a habit, the harder it is to break, too. This means that the sooner you get on board with addressing the problems in your relationship, the greater your resolve will be ten years down the road. If, on the other hand, you allow yourself to habitually suppress your relationship needs, or refusing to admit your own shortcomings, you’re going to have a long, hard road ahead of you – not the type of relationship that most people look forward to. Keep your focus on fixing problems instead of denying them, and your relationship will stay on much more solid ground.


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How To Have A Healthy Relationship, According To Science

What makes the healthy relationship? Watch any mushy movie and you can spot it easily — it’s the couple that’s so clearly meant for each other, they end up together, and live happily ever after.

But in real life it’s never that easy.

Forming a trusting and positive partnership takes effort and time. And unfortunately, it doesn’t just happen overnight. For any relationship to grow strong and stay strong, you need to put in some work

However, according to relationship expert Talia Goldstein – CEO of white glove matchmaking service Three Day Rule – there are four major signs that makes a couple a good match.

If a relationship demonstrates each of these attributes, Goldstein explained, that’s how you know it’s built to last.


1. You travel the same way.

One of the easiest ways to tell if you’re a good match with your partner is to plan a trip together.

If one of you wants to hop in a RV and road trip to Mexico, while the other wants to fly first class and stay at a give star resort, that’s a sign that you aren’t a good fit.

Goldstein explains.

A good match is people who are willing and wanting to travel the same way. It’s indicative of your lifestyle. It could lead to problems down the road.”

For example, these lifestyle difference could come into play when it’s time to buy a house or pick an education path for your children, the expert explained.

If you have a really narrow mind about the way that you travel, you probably have that same mind-set in other aspects of your life.”


2. You have common interests that you love doing together.

It may seem intuitive, but a great way to tell if you are a good match with a person is to determine whether you have common interests.

That doesn’t mean that you just like the same sort of art or listen to the same sort of music.

Good matches not only enjoy similar things — they like doing those things together.

There should be at least two or three things you really like to do together. It should be about spending time together.”

And so, if you’re a couple who, for instance, enjoys going on long walks together, playing board games together or watching the same sport games together, you’re likely a good match.


3. Your relationship has the right balance.

Most of the successful pairings Goldstein has witnessed involves people that strike a perfect balance, where one of them is “the star” while the other is more of “the rock.”

“I found that the majority of my success stories fall into those categories, where sometimes one of them is outgoing and the life of the party, where the other is more stable and supportive.”

People with different energies tend to complement each other, whereas those who are both super outgoing or both extremely introverted don’t always go the distance.

If you have the yin and the yang, they balance each other out. I’ve found that balance works really well in a relationship.”


4. You’re with someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

It seems like common sense — you should be with someone who makes you feel like you’re at your best. But of course, a lot of people end up in relationships where they don’t really feel like themselves.

Relationships where you truly feel like you’re the best version of yourself — that’s the best way to see if you’re a good match.”

Being in a relationship where you feel like yourself means that you don’t have to stretch to come up with topics to talk about.

It’s also when you feel at home with their group of friends, or feel comfortable lounging around in your pajamas with the other person.


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What To Consider Before Giving That Long-Distance Relationship A Chance

Long distance relationships are crazy things. Some people completely thrive in them, while other people can’t really deal with being so far away all the time.

I happen to fall somewhere in between – my best relationships have been ones where we spent a good deal of time traveling separately, but always came back together in the end.

Truthfully, there aren’t too many differences between what I like to call a “geographically-open relationship”, like mine, and the long-distance relationship you’re thinking about right now.

In both cases, the couple spends a great deal of time apart, and then comes back together to catch up on everything.

But where I only have to sleep alone for a few non-consecutive months a year, a longer-term long-distance relationship is going to mean a lot of alone time. Do you think you’re ready for that type of commitment?


You both really have to want it.

If you’re not both completely on board with the idea of being separated, you’re both going to end up being miserable. Long-distance relationships are often wrought with insecurities, dishonesty, a lack of trust, and inadequate communication. The effort involved is significantly greater than a relationship where you see each other every day, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to have sex a lot less often.


Phone sex is… Pretty awkward, actually.

When I was a teenager, I wondered how “phone sex operator” was actually a job. Then, once I was in my first long-distance relationship, I realized: Phone sex can be super creepy, especially if either one of you lives with other people. Sexting isn’t quite as awkward (at least not for me), but it’s pretty hard to use a touch screen while you’re touching yourself… So it’s still not exactly ideal.


You learn to get comfortable with period sex real quick.

When you haven’t seen your partner in a few months, and the only time you two can reconnect is right in the middle of your worst days, you learn to adjust. Even if you’d never given period sex a thought before, it’s most likely going to come up at one point or another.


Falling asleep on the phone is probably not good for you.

I can’t even estimate the number of times I’ve fallen asleep on the phone with my long-distance love, just to wake up a few hours later with indentations from my screen in the side of my face. Thinking of how cell phone radiation already messes with your inner organs, and estimating that the phone couldn’t have been more than a hand’s width away from my brain at any point in time… I pretty much only ever talk with speakerphone anymore. You know. Just to be safe.


The time you finally get to spend together will be magical.

The great thing about spending time apart (and why I love my geographically-open relationship) is that you really learn to miss someone while they’re gone. You get to spend time focusing on yourself, without being selfish, and your partner gets to do the same. Then, you meet back up, and you make up for lost time all at once. It’s truly something special, and something everyone should feel at least occasionally.


Not every relationship can make it.

As much love, trust, honesty, and respect that a closer relationship needs, a long-distance relationship needs at least double. You’ll be trusting your partner to do what she says she’s going to do, without having the slightest idea if she’s keeping up on her end of things. You’ll have to trust what she says, and you’ll have to respect her wishes, too, even if you go months or years without seeing each other. It’s hard, but the relationships that can survive it are often the strongest after they reunite.


It shouldn’t be black-and-white.

If you and your partner fight all the time when you’re apart, but get along perfectly fine when you’re together, there might be a problem. Often, insecurities and a lack of communication will destroy long-term relationships, and the couple may try to over-compensate when they get back together. For the sake of your relationship, you’ll need to find a way to get all your insecurities in check and relinquish the right to micro-manage your partner. If you have to know exactly what she’s doing at all times, a long-distance relationship is not for you.


It doesn’t have to be this way forever.

The best thing about either type of long-distance relationship is that it’s not permanent. When the timing is right, you can be together for good – with the strength that you developed during your time apart. The perk of knowing that your relationship can stand the stresses of a long-distance relationship does make it a little easier over time, although saying goodbye will always be hard. When you do say goodbye, remind yourself that this isn’t forever – this is just the way things are right now. If your relationship gets through it, you’ll be glad you gave it a chance – but if your relationship doesn’t make it, at least it’s a little easier to move on.


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7 Reasons Saying “Sorry” Isn’t Always A Good Thing

It seems like so many of my friends in my generation grew up in one of two categories: The constant “sorry”-sayers, and those who never apologize for anything. I happen to fall in that first category – or at least I did, until I was in my 20s. Your apologies become a part of you, an almost-tangible habit formed. After a while, you start to say “sorry” without even thinking of it – and this isn’t a good thing.

Why isn’t it a good idea to say “sorry” all the time? Here are 7 reasons that you’re probably just wasting your breath.


1. It doesn’t do anything to fix the problem.

When most people apologize, they simply look for the right words to say, and then leave it at that. Unfortunately, an apology does nothing except relieve our guilt. It doesn’t make up for the things we’ve done to the other person, and it doesn’t mend the pain we’ve caused. All an apology does is make the person apologizing feel better.


2. It’s viewed as an admission of guilt – even when you did nothing wrong.

When you apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong, the people around you (receiving your apologies) will be making their own impressions about your apologies. While the exact impression will vary based on the person you’re apologizing to as well as the person doing the apologizing, in most cases, people either assume the person saying “sorry” did what they were being accused of, and/or they assume the apology is insincere.


3. An insincere apology means even less than not saying anything at all.

We’ve already discussed that apologies are really for the person giving them, but that doesn’t exactly mean we shouldn’t apologize. Apologies are often the first step towards making the changes that we’ve (hopefully) talked about in the apology. But if you don’t actually mean the things you say, you’ll never take the next step. An insincere apology tells the person you’re talking to that you don’t really think you did anything wrong, but you’re going to say sorry to get them to get off your back about it. This approach is generally frowned upon in social situations.


4. People can tell when it’s fake – but they can’t always tell when it’s real.

I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of a fake apology before, or can at least recognize the signs from your favorite television shows. Our bodies are pre-programmed to pick up on the cues sent out by others – even when those cues are unintentional, and possibly also misleading. The issue is that many of the signs for stress and nervousness are very similar to the signs of insincerity and deception, so it’s entirely possible for a nervous person to accidentally convince their apology-recipient that they’re being insincere – even if they meant every word.


5. It’s not enough, by itself.

When most people apologize, they simply say “I’m sorry” and they’re done with it. A true apology should showcase the reason you’re sorry, as well as what you plan to do to change it. If you don’t think that you’re the one to blame, try to find a way to compromise. But apologies and promises have no power on their own – even the most eloquently-worded ones. Our words only have meaning when we give them meaning, so if you’re not following through, your word means nothing.


6. You may be reopening old wounds.

If it’s been a long time since the event that caused the guilt, apologizing is probably not going to do anything for the recipient – it’s just going to remind them of the things you’ve done to them and, in some cases, maybe even bringing the problem(s) back to the surface. Many people think they want an apology from the people who have wronged them, but there is a statute of limitations. You don’t have an endless amount of time to make things right.


7. No one is obligated to forgive you just because you’ve apologized.

Most of all, there’s a misconception that we apologize in order to be forgiven or to get closure. This simply isn’t true. The only person who’s obligated to forgive your past is you – everyone else is free to make their own decisions and move on or hold grudges as they see fit. We tend to picture other people as if we were them. But we’re not them, and even in our mental pictures, we get the facts wrong sometimes. You can think about someone else’s situation, but you can’t think through it for them.


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Researchers Discover The Answer For Keeping The Sexual Attraction Going In Long-Term Relationships

A new study says the key to keeping sexual attraction alive in long-term relationships is being responsive to each others needs outside the bedroom.

American and Israeli scientists found that women reacted more strongly to ‘responsiveness’.

For the study, a hundred couples kept a diary for three weeks and reported on the sexual desire they felt for their partner, in addition to their perceptions of how responsive their partner was.

The results, which found sexual desire increased along with responsiveness, were reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Gurit Birnbaum, a psychology professor at the Interdisciplinary Centre in Herzliya, Israel, who co-authored the paper, explained:

Our research shows that partners who are responsive to each other outside the bedroom are able to maintain their sexual desire.”

Responsive partners – who are aware of their companion’s emotional needs – demonstrate a high level of understanding of their partner and are thought to have deeply invested in a relationship.

‘Being nice’ and things like that are not necessarily based on who the partner is and what the partner really wants. When a mate is truly responsive, the relationship feels special and unique and he or she is perceived as valued and desirable.

Responsiveness, which is a type of intimacy is so important in a relationship because it signals that one is really concerned with the welfare of the other, but in a way that is truly open and informed about what the other cares about and wants.

Sexual desire thrives on increasing intimacy and being responsive is one of the best ways to instil this elusive sensation over time; better than any pyrotechnic sex.”

So, ‘being nice’ doesn’t necessarily work, but being ‘truly responsive’ to your partner’s needs makes your relationship feel ‘special and unique’.


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7 Super Simple Ways to Bring The Romance Back

The timeline that (most) relationships go through is sort of a funny thing. In the beginning of the relationship, most couples are shy and timid, followed by a period where they can’t keep their hands off each other. Things stay pretty heavy for a while, but then, in time, they start to drift back to their previously reserved state. Usually, it’s not intentional – we just start to get preoccupied with other things.

Keeping the romance and magic alive in your long-term relationship is not always easy, but it’s pretty important in maintaining your bond over the years. After all, do you want to be the couple who spends their Wednesday nights eating silently at the same table at 70 years old, or do you want to be the couple who takes trips together, plays like children, and actually has sex after the age of 40? (I’m guessing you’d rather be in that second category.)

The good news is that it doesn’t take a lot of effort to keep your spark alive – just a little bit of initiative. Try these 7 flirty mini-challenges and repeat as often as needed.


1. Massage therapy – it’s a real thing.

Most of the time, the romance starts to fade away when we get too caught up in what we need to do and don’t spend enough time thinking about what we want to do. This leads to a lot of unnecessary stress, not to mention physical pain and exhaustion. A relaxing massage can tackle all three problems without too much effort. And you don’t need to be a certified massage therapist to get these benefits – just look up some massage tips online, and listen to your partner’s body. Chances are, you already know where her most high-stress areas are, as well as her erogenous zones – use these to your advantage as you work out all the knots.


2. She needs a reminder of your love sometimes.

Another one of the biggest reasons we lose our romance is because we take for granted that our partner knows how we feel. We’re comfortable enough with one another that we assume she knows what we’re thinking. It’s important to realize that’s not the case, though, and even the most secure and self-confident women like hearing that they’re loved, respected, and appreciated. (And it wouldn’t hurt to explain the physical and mental attractions, too.) Write your partner a love note and leave it somewhere she’ll find it while she’s going through her day. If you’re a little more ambitious, consider making her a journal of your love – there are numerous prompt books available online, or you can pick up a nice notebook and do it all freehand.


3. Make out like horny teenagers.

In the beginning of the relationship, when you’re still completely infatuated with one another, it’s so easy to make out with one another. After a while, though, it feels like we don’t need to anymore – after all, sex isn’t the most important thing anymore, and what’s the point of making out if not to lead to sex? But thinking like that is part of what helps your romance go away. Because you undervalue the importance of the small romantic (and sensual) gestures, you take away the romantic feelings they bring. Make time to make out with each other on a regular basis, but don’t put any expectations on where things will lead. It’s important to keep some spontaneity!


4. Girlfriend’s choice for dinner.

Sometimes, it really is the simple things that make all the difference. Simply learning how to cook your girlfriend’s favorite meal – or, at the very least, finding a restaurant that has it on the menu – is a sweet way to show her you care, and that you know what she likes. If it’s a family recipe, ask her to share it with you or teach you how to make it. Once you’ve learned all her favorites, consider cooking a few of your own favorites and family traditions.


5. Buy her something she’d never buy for herself (even though she really wants it).

Many women feel guilty about spending money on themselves, and avoid splurges. If your girlfriend has been eyeing that expensive sweater, or disappointed in her usual boxed wine, splurge on her behalf and buy her a treat. This may be something she’s asked for, for a gift, or it could be something she’s been looking at online and keeps taking back out of her cart. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive – she’ll be happy that you thought of her. (Not sure what to get? KitschKandy has a wealth of great gift options!)


6. Get a little nostalgic.

Go back to a spot that has a sentimental significance to your relationship – maybe the place you met, where you had your first date, or the first place you two went on vacation together. Take some time to talk and remember the early days, when your relationship was still full of passion. If you live too far away from your sentimental places now, consider finding some new meaningful places – you can still think back to the good old days.


7. Kiss her in public.

Lastly, if you want to bring back the romance and you’re envious of couples who do the whole PDA thing, you’ve got to actually show a little affection. Hold her hand, steal little kisses, and even discretely touch her butt. (Hey – no judgment!) You two get to decide how much PDA you personally feel comfortable with, within any local regulations (and respective of your safety, of course). Don’t be afraid to show her how much you care about her just because there are other people around.

The Single Lesbian’s Summer Bucket List

Looking for a way to fill the rest of your summer? We’ve got 12 ideas that might make you feel like a kid again.


1. Go to the bar alone.

If you’re anything like me, you’d probably rather go to the bar with a group of people you know than to go hang out with just a bunch of strangers. That being said, there are some benefits to hanging out alone – you might meet someone new, and you won’t have to rush (or wait) on behalf of your friends. You’ll also push yourself outside your comfort zone by making sure there’s no one else to catch your crush’s attention for you.

However great your connection with your new crush is, I urge you not to go home with them if you’ve been drinking. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to tell if you’re sober enough to give consent, and I don’t want anyone making any choices they regret in the morning. Just be sure you’re safe – if you don’t have a designated driver, call a taxi or rideshare service.


2. Say “good morning” to a stranger.

I’m sure we were all taught not to talk to strangers, and in many ways, that’s good advice – even for adults. But, I’m pretty sure that old saying was talking about having full-on conversations with random street people – either they might be crazy, or they might think you’re crazy. A friendly smile and wave, however, or a simple “good morning”, has the ability to brighten someone’s day.

You never know when someone could need that little extra push of encouragement, and it takes next to no time at all to wish someone a good morning. I’ve read many tales of people struggling with suicidal thoughts, and then a stranger’s acknowledgement of them actually made a difference. Even if your cheery “good morning” isn’t saving a life, it’s a kind gesture that helps keep the world just a little bit smaller.


3. Go on a group date.

It seems so juvenile to get a girlfriend just for the summer, so I don’t blame you if you balk at the idea of going on dates right now. The great thing about a group date, though, is that there aren’t any expectations of romance – it’s just a bunch of friends and acquaintances, hanging out to do something fun. If you do end up making a connection with someone, the fact that she knows a few of your friends means that she’s probably not such a bad person to be around.

Even if you don’t find a long-term partner out of the group date, it’s good to meet new people and see where things go. As long as you’re being honest about your intentions and your feelings, you’re sure to at least meet a few new friends. (And, if you meet someone and end up breaking up, you might still be able to avoid the awkward same-social-circle cliché that plagues so many of us.)


4. Join a local sports team or fitness class.

It might seem like just another stereotype, but joining your local sports teams can be a great way to meet new people. Plus, you’ll be having fun and keeping in shape at the same time. There are a number of sports that can be played, so if your local community doesn’t already have a league, start one!

If organized sports aren’t really your thing, consider joining a local fitness class instead. Personally, within a 10-minute drive of my house, I have 4 different Zumba classes – in a town with less than 8,000 people. I’m sure there’s something similar in your local area, so check it out and see what your local community has to offer!


5. Go on a photo walk.

For those who aren’t familiar with the phrase “photo walk”, that’s when you take a camera on a walk, with the specific intention of taking photos. In some areas, there may be camera clubs or commercial companies that sponsor a photo walk – but if your region doesn’t already have one, check local meetups, or create your own!

Really, all you need for a photo walk is a camera and a comfortable pair of shoes, so don’t be intimidated if you’re not a professional photographer. You can be a tourist in your own city, and even meet some great people. (Or, go on a photo walk by yourself, if you’re all people-ed out already.)


6. Go on an adventure or a road trip.

There’s something extra special about going for a drive without a clear set of directions – so take off in the car and wait a while before you open the GPS. Make sure you have sufficient money for gas and food before you leave, and don’t worry about having a destination – just stop at the first place that catches your attention!

If you have friends with time off from work and school, bring them along, too! The bond of friendship is important, and all too often we neglect our friends when we’re in a relationship. Take advantage of your single time and reconnect with your closest friends.


7. Rope swing into a lake or creek, or at least into a pile of leaves.

If you have a local body of water and a sturdy rope, you can partake in one of the long-lost pleasures of childhood: The rope swing. Make sure you tie your knots tight, or use a rope that’s already in place. Then, just swing and release! (If it’s been a while since the last time you were on a rope swing, it might be worth testing your arm strength first.)

For those who don’t live close enough to a large body of water, you can still get a similar experience by waiting for the end of summer and building a rope swing in your own back yard. Far too often, we stop ourselves from enjoying the things from our childhood – but why? Adults have just as much right to enjoy summertime!


8. Go swimming (or skinny dipping!) at midnight.

Summer is great for swimming, but it’s far too hot during the middle of the day! (Or, at least it is where I live.) Take a special trip out at night and go for a dip in your pool, or a local swimming hole. The more adventurous among us might enjoy skinny dipping, too – but please keep it to your own back yard!


9. Go on a guided museum tour.

It’s never a bad time to learn something new, and your local museum or art exhibit is a great place to soak in a little culture. Opt for the guided tour, and really pay attention – the tour guides often have interesting or unexpected facts that you won’t read on the placards. Ask questions, take pictures (if allowed), and have a great time.


10. Try a new hairstyle or color.

Once we find a hairstyle we like, it’s really easy to settle on it and get comfortable. But your hair is an often-untapped resource for creative expression, and changing your hairstyle is an easy way to push yourself outside your personal comfort zone. If you’re really brave, opt for a drastic change. Those who aren’t ready to commit can opt for hair chalks or temporary dye, or give extensions a try!


11. Tell someone one of your deepest secrets.

We tend to play it safe far too often. I think it’s time to put an end to that. Meet a new friend, and tell them something you don’t usually tell someone right away. (Make sure that your new friend realizes you’re pushing your comfort zone – try not to make the secret too weird.)

We avoid telling our secrets to strangers (or acquaintances) because we think that they’ll somehow have some power over us – but the truth is, by telling the secrets, we remove other people’s power to do so. If you tell your secrets, no one else can out you – and that makes you invincible!


12. Get a pen pal.

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you’d go to camp, and then when you left from camp you had all these new friends to keep in touch with? Remember how great it was when mail was a good thing (instead of just bills all the time)? Bring that same feeling back to your adulthood by finding a pen pal or two online.

Believe it or not, pen pals are still pretty popular, as long as you know where to look. Do a search on Facebook and find some groups that have similar interests – then find someone you click with. Sending letters internationally can be a bit expensive, depending on your country and the country you’re sending to, but chances are there will be someone in your own country who’d just love to write to you!


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