Have you ever wondered why there seem to be so many unfaithful women out there? I feel like probably half of my past relationships have ended due to cheating, at least in part. I don’t think it’s really just our community, either – I think a lot of society is forgetting how to be monogamous.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with open relationships. But, in some ways, the prevalence and acceptance of open relationship makes the concept of cheating even more ridiculous. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in our recent history, besides maybe the free love generation, where it was so socially acceptable to have multiple partners. Why, then, do women who want open relationships choose to be with women who want exclusivity?

Now, I can’t pretend I’m totally innocent here, either. I’ve been in open relationships in the past, and I’ve forgiven people who weren’t very good at the whole one-woman-only thing. I’ve even tried the open relationship thing with a woman who had already cheated on me before – and that didn’t really work out, either.

If you’re thinking about getting back with the woman who cheated on you before – even if you’re thinking about trying the open relationship thing – I’ve got a few things to tell you first.

1. People can change, but that doesn’t mean they will.

I’m definitely up for giving people second chances. Sometimes I even give three, four, or five chances, because apparently I never learn. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these second chances, it’s that not everyone will appreciate the second chance.

Change isn’t automatic. Even if someone really wants to change, that isn’t going to guarantee their success. (Of course, if they don’t want to make the change, it is pretty much guaranteed that they’ll fail.) The idea of the second chance is wonderful, and you shouldn’t hold their previous mistakes against them. But, be aware of the potential for patterns – and if they seem to be falling back into their old habits, break free while your heart is still intact.

2. Not everyone can handle being in a poly relationship.

When I was 18, I became the third person in an already-established relationship. One of the people in this relationship lacked in self-confidence, and it made the entire experience a bit painful and awkward – for all three of us. She had agreed to open their relationship up to a third person in order to stop her partner from sneaking around, but she found the thought of her partner sleeping with someone else just as infuriating whether she knew about it or not.

Likewise, not every couple can handle being in a poly relationship – even if they’ve both been in poly relationships previously. After my teenage tryst, I tried to enter into another polyamorous relationship, this time with my girlfriend and I being the established couple. Despite all the things I thought I knew about myself, I wasn’t able to deal with the idea of sharing her – and I found myself quickly losing interest in both of the women. Surprisingly, the last I heard, the two of them are still together and just as happy as ever.

3. You don’t owe her a second chance.

It doesn’t matter how long you two were together, or how long she had known the person she cheated with, or how drunk she was. She lost your trust, you broke up with her, and that’s the end of any “obligation”. You owe it to yourself to take time to heal, and to reach a point of closure within yourself. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to forgive her or rehash things “for old time’s sake” in order to get closure. You simply need to make peace with your own past, and find a way to learn from it.

However – if you do choose to give her a second chance – you cannot bring up the mistakes that happened before you two broke up. Forgiveness means that you two start over at Trust Square One. If you don’t think that you can keep the past in the past, you aren’t ready to get back together yet. Take some more time for yourself and decide whether you really need this relationship or not.

4. She doesn’t owe you anything, either.

Although it sucks to think about, just because you’ve forgiven her doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to want to take you back. Sometimes, people cheat because they’re unhappy in the relationship, and while that’s still a poor excuse for disrespectful behavior, it does mean that she might not want to get back together.

Remember that your relationship, and your break-up, both involve two people. Don’t accidentally trick yourself into thinking you have the upper hand. The best option is usually to leave the broken relationship alone – there are probably reasons it didn’t work out.

5. She’s probably not your happy ending.

Listen, I understand the desire to hang onto the past. Even though we know life is all about change, humans are creatures of habit, and we get used to the idea of being with someone. We tell ourselves that we’ve readjusted our expectations and our priorities, and our partner has probably done the same. The only problem is that’s a lie, most of the time. Sure, sometimes people make a mistake, and then spend the rest of their lives being amazingly awesome. But, usually, these people are fictional characters played by professional actors – not real people who are actually in the dating pool.

Certain relationship problems deal with timing. For example, if you break up because your work schedules are too crazy, or because you had to move across the country, these are almost always temporary things – and, in the future, when your paths cross, you might think it’s fate. Cheating, on the other hand, is a personal choice that resulted in the end of the relationship – not just a matter of simple circumstance. Unless her beliefs about relationships have changed, she’s not in it for the long haul.

6. There’s no such thing as a soul mate.

I’m betting that probably sounds really negative, but I promise you – it’s quite the opposite. There is no such thing as one perfect person for you. Anyone you ever date is going to have flaws, and it’s up to you to decide which flaws are worth living with. If that means getting back together with someone who was unfaithful, then that’s your decision. If she wants the relationship just as much, she’ll work to be a better partner, too. But you can’t expect her to change more than you do. After all, love is about compromise and balance, and if the two of you can’t find a way to agree on the solution, the relationship will never last.

Above all else, you need to remember that you don’t need any one particular person in your life. Sure, sometimes our lives seem better when there’s someone standing in our corner, so to speak, but there’s no reliable way to predict who that person will be. Just focus on the present moment, and try to let go of your need to be in control. If the universe wants it to be, it will be.

I generally try to see the best in people. I’ve always been a glass-half-full type of person, and in most of my interactions with other people, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, I’ve been in some less-than-stellar situations in the past, and I know that misunderstandings happen sometimes.

Then, when I come to find out that someone has intentionally been trying to take my attention off what’s really going on, I’m livid.

The truth is, there are always going to be people who think they can bend the truth (and the will of another person), and sometimes, they’re actually pretty good at it. Manipulative people are often highly intelligent and have a solid grasp out of what they want in life. While these are great qualities to have, they’re not exactly great when they’re used against another person – and when you’ve got feelings for the person who’s trying to manipulate me, things can get even harder on you.

All’s not lost, though. There are ways you can handle your interaction with manipulative people in order to minimize the damage they can do. Are you ready for some life-changing information?

Manipulative behavior generally follows patterns.

If possible, examine the way this person behaves with other people, such as coworkers, family members, and friends. Avoid using their claims as “evidence”, since manipulators are generally skilled at lying (and you don’t want to alienate a person who isn’t manipulating you). If you know their job history or financial situation, this can be helpful, too, but remember that there are other factors involved in employment.

What you’re looking for here is a pattern of controlling others, or a pattern of living outside their means. Does their spending match up with their occupation, or are they obviously trying to convey a different image of themselves to others? Sometimes, these things are very subtle, so you might not notice things until you’ve been interacting with each other for an extensive period of time.

If it’s not possible to explore their lives outside of your particular relationship, pay attention to how they are in everyday conversation. Does it seem that they’re trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, possibly to gain information or convince you of a particular opinion? Also note the highs and lows of their interaction – are they unnervingly nice sometimes, and verbally abusive other times? These can all be signs that the person is manipulative.

You don’t necessarily need to remove someone from your life if they start showing any of these signs, but you should be aware of them and understand that you may need to take action at some point in the future. Be alert, and you’ll remove much of the risk of being controlled.

Emotional blackmail is the most common form of manipulation.

The more you trust and care about a person, the more they’re going to be able to manipulate you – that’s just how things work. Not only will you be more inclined to meet their demands, but they’ll also have insight into the tricks that make you tick. As unfortunate as this is, you shouldn’t take this as a sign to shut yourself off from others. Rather, you’ll need to learn how to redirect their attacks so that they know you mean business.

Some people may choose to guilt you when you’ve done something they perceive to be wrong. This is meant to discourage you from doing it again – a sort of training, if you will. In other cases, the emotions called may be more drastic, such as threats of a break-up, infidelity, or even a suicide attempt. (Please note: A suicide threat, by itself, is not automatically a sign of manipulation. If your partner is reaching out for help, please encourage her to get help, even if you do think she’s trying to control you.)

Passive aggressiveness is another common tactic.

One of the subtler forms of manipulation, passive aggressiveness is when a person uses underhanded remarks to imply a correct response to a certain situation. Often, the things being commented on are good changes to be made – but the manipulator isn’t going about things the wrong way.

The only way to deal with passive aggressive behavior is to shut it down. Insist that your partner (or whoever is trying to manipulate you) speaks directly, rather than beating around the bush to elicit a reaction. Sometimes, recognizing the passive aggressive behavior is as simple as ignoring it – but this will depend on the person who’s using this tactic against you.

Trust your instincts.

Sometimes, when someone is manipulating you, it won’t even be a secret. They may come straight out and tell you that you need to change x thing or y thing will happen. Most of the time, however, it’s going to be a little subtler than that – but you’ll still probably recognize the signs. Don’t dismiss these too early, as they are there for a reason!

Manipulation relies on a sense of worry and self-doubt, so the best way to defend yourself against it is to be confident in yourself and the future you can create on your own. Remember that you don’t need this other person – everyone but yourself is an optional part of your life, even if your life is better with them in it. If someone is putting you in a position where you have to choose yourself over them, the choice should be clear: Protect yourself!

I understand that this can be hard, especially when the person manipulating you is one you trust. (Remember, we said that manipulation is easiest if you trust the person?) That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, though. Just stand your ground, take input from others, but be aware that you have the final say in things.

Assess your fears.

In many situations, manipulators will rely on their victims being afraid – either of something that they will personally do, or something that the manipulator may do. Depending on the nature of the manipulation, as well as your relationship with the person, there are a number of possible things to fear – but you can’t live your life afraid of someone, particularly when that person makes it their goal to scare you.

Here are 4 of the most common fears involved with being manipulated, and the antidotes to these fears. Remember that your situation may entail a combination of these fears, or possibly entirely different fears – speak with a trusted friend or therapist if you need to discuss other options.

• Fear that the manipulator will spread lies about you: Are you worried that your friends, family, or work colleagues are going to believe them? Believe it or not, this one isn’t about your manipulator at all. The manipulator has probably been lying to you about yourself, in an effort to convince you that you’ve somehow lost your worth as a person. Your friends, family, and work colleagues see the reputation you’ve built for yourself, and they’re not going to be likely to believe something that goes against that. (Check out confirmation bias – it’s actually a real psychology thing.) Give your circle some credit, and trust that the only ones who will believe the lies are the ones you don’t need in your life anyway.
• Fear that others will judge you: Are you worried that you’re not being supportive enough of your partner? Guess what – this one is all within your control, too. The only person who should matter right now is you. I promise, the world isn’t going to end if you put yourself first sometimes. Sure, there are people who judge others for silly, trivial things, but in my life, I don’t have anyone who would judge me for leaving a toxic relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. If you do, it’s highly likely that they are also
• Fear of violence against you or your loved ones: While manipulation and physical abuse are not quite the same thing, in some cases they may overlap. Especially if you have children or pets, it’s normal to be worried that these threats may become reality at any point in time. As hard as it may be, once violence has been threatened or committed, you need to get out of that situation – as soon as possible. It is possible for an abusive person to recover and change, but you don’t need to be there while it happens, and you don’t need to give them a second chance. Period.
• Fear of being alone/homeless/poor: If the source of the manipulation is also your financial support – whether your job, your partner, your roommate, or your family – it can be especially hard to leave, because you may not have anywhere to go. In fact, many people remain in abusive situations because they can’t afford to live on their own. But it doesn’t have to be like that – your manipulator has just twisted your circumstances. While being homeless isn’t exactly glamorous, staying on someone’s couch or in your car, temporarily, is probably not as emotionally draining as staying where you are. In most cases, it’s not as cut-and-dry as the abuser makes it seem, either. Most likely, you have a friend, family member, or local volunteer group that’s able to help you out until you get back on your feet. Ask around – there are more good people in the world than you know!

Try to separate yourself from the behavior.

One of the most important things to remember when dealing with someone manipulative is that, contrary to what they may say, you’re not the problem – they are. Most people don’t spend their time tearing down someone else. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else – a manipulative person simply believes that they are entitled to control another person. They can’t fully love and appreciate someone unless they match their exact definitions, and as humans, we weren’t designed to fit into someone else’s box.

It’s also pretty important that you avoid feeling sorry for yourself. While you did have the unfortunate luck of crossing paths with this person, self-pity is only going to bring you down. This will distract you from your true worth and prevent you from fighting back in the future. And I know it might be hard, due to your empathetic nature, but you do need to fight back.

Once you’ve fully separated yourself from the way you’re being treated, it’s a little easier to reject the unhealthy behaviors when they happen. Often, victims of manipulation are too empathetic, and they set themselves up to be hurt. You don’t need to leave the relationship, if you’ve built a life together (and there’s no threat of violence), but you do need to stop feeding into this behavior. When you allow it to continue, it will intensify. Consider discussing it with your partner – if it was unintentional and/or she is willing to change the behavior, you can give her a chance to prove it. Just be sure that you stay consistent in rejecting it.

Fully picture your life without this person in it.

Examine your life as a whole, and compare this person’s reach in it. Does she actually affect you positively? Would your life be better or worse if she wasn’t in it? It’s definitely possible that life will get worse for a little while, but it’s important to consider that correcting patterns of abuse is a long process – often taking much longer than the process of getting back on your feet. Still, only you fully understand the role this person plays in your life, and how important she is in your big-picture plans.

It’s also worth remembering that sometimes, plans fall through – and that’s okay. This is coming from someone who has dealt with literally 9 different paper planners this year, as well as a few different productivity apps – I know how bad it sucks when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to, especially if you put a lot of work into them. But sometimes, you need to let go of the “tolerable” in order to reach for the “amazing”. If this person brings you more fear and worry than they bring you happiness and joy, you need to let them go – no matter who they are.

Often, when the person in question is a partner or a family member, we don’t want to think of what life would be like without them. But questioning their behaviors, as well as the benefits and drawbacks of staying versus leaving, helps you to define what’s important to you.

You might find that, after your self-exploration, that you’re not habitually picking up the phone as soon as it rings. You might let go of some of the guilt of not being available when they need you for trivial things, because you’ve decided to put yourself first. You might even find that others can see this change in your confidence and self-respect, even though they might not be able to see the root cause, but you might find unintended bonuses, such as promotions and maybe even a new love interest.

You’ll never know until you try – so promise yourself that you come first, and other people’s manipulation can take a hike.

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Wondering if your relationship might be taking a turn toward a dark and scary path? We want to take a minute to teach you how to detect gaslighting in your own relationships.

If you’re not familiar with the term, let me take a minute to fill you in. Gaslighting is where one person manipulates another person into losing their sense of mental clarity and stablility, whether intentionally or unintentionally. The word itself comes from an old movie, where a man slowly drove his wife to the brink of insanity, in an attempt to eventually murder her.

The reality is that most cases of gaslighting aren’t anywhere near that bad, but that doesn’t mean that they’re any less painful. In fact, when done effectively, gaslighting can have long-term effects that last long after the relationship has even ended – how many of these signs can you see in your relationships?

Stage 1: You notice that something seems strange about your partner’s behavior.

Maybe at first, you can’t really put into words what it is, but you just know that there’s something off about the way she’s acting. Sometimes, this stage happens very early on in the relationship – as early as the first few dates! Once the gaslighting process has started, it’s not likely to resolve itself. This stage is the time that many people reflect on, and may even feel that they “should have known”.

It’s important to understand that people are different, though, and just because someone’s initial behavior isn’t what you’re accustomed to doesn’t automatically mean that you’re being gaslighted. This explains why most people choose to overlook this early warning sign. It is completely possible that the first time your partner rubbed you the wrong way, it was an innocent mistake and it’s not an intentional attack on your sanity. But if it happens over and over again, it’s important that you understand the signs.

For those who want to address any potential gaslighting cases early on, simply bring the behavior up to your partner, and assess her response. If it seems that she wants to reach a compromise, or she can at least express why she acted unexpectedly, it’s probably worth giving her a chance – but keep in mind that some abusers may plead for a compromise, simply to get their way again. Be aware that the pattern may be popping up, and be ready to address it again, in greater detail.

Stage 2: You feel the need to defend yourself to your abuser.

After you notice a pattern of manipulation, the next logical step is to try and defend yourself against your perceived attacker. Of course, you care about this person, so you want to keep things civil. You may initially deny the impact that the manipulation is having on you. After all – it might be all in your head… Right? But, society has conditioned us to think that our mental state isn’t important, so we push it aside.

You may find yourself telling your gaslighter that you’re not crazy, you’re not stressed, and you’re not just being emotional. It’s very important for you to maintain that these things don’t have control over you, but unfortunately, the more we deny them, the more power they have. You might even find yourself working even harder to prove that the other person’s accusations about you are wrong – which, in an intentionally manipulative situation, is exactly what the other person wants. Whether it’s intentional or not, it still starts to pick away at you until it takes over your mind.

Not only are you driving yourself crazy at this point, but you’re also helping to shape the relationship you have with this person. If you repeatedly over-achieve in response to their demands, they’ll begin demanding even more – which you will be expected to over-achieve, yet again. Instead, you should focus on clarifying what is a reasonable expectation for you, and only commit to the things you can do without undue stress. Otherwise, the next stage is going to hit you hard.

Stage 3: You become depressed.

By stage three, your abuser’s words have become ingrained into your everyday thought process, and they really don’t have to do much anymore – you’re already doing all of the work. You barely recognize the person you’ve become, against your will, and you feel isolated from your friends and family. Even if the person gaslighting you isn’t the one keeping you from your friends and family, you start to feel that you’re failing, and you wouldn’t want to disappoint them, too.

If you’re not in this stage, it’s easy to look on it and say that there’s a problem, but sadly, since gaslighting happens slowly and over time, you might not be able to catch the problem before it spirals out of control. An unfortunate side effect of this relationship dynamic is that, the more depressed you become, the more you cling to your partner because they’re “all you have left”. If the gaslighting is happening in another area of your life, you may still withdraw from those closest to you.

If you find yourself becoming depressed, whether it has something to do with your partner or not, I’m begging you… Please get help. There’s no shame in reaching out when the world gets too tough to handle. Even if your relationship is perfectly happy and healthy, aside from your depression, she isn’t going to have the necessary tools to help you. Don’t treat depression lightly – it could cost you your life.

The Bad News

Gaslighting isn’t even just a romantic thing – it’s entirely possible that you can be gaslighted by friends, family, coworkers, and even your dog. (OK, maybe not the dog – unless your dog is significantly smarter than mine.) Of course, we’d hope that none of these people would do anything to intentionally hurt us, but that’s not always true. What’s more is that gaslighting doesn’t even have to be intentional – it may start with a simple mistake and progress over time, particularly when one person is more assertive and the other is more empathetic. These are both excellent traits to have – but the combination of the two with certain other traits may cause some problems.

What warning signs should you look out for?

While gaslighting can take many forms, and often goes around relatively undetectable (by design), there are a few signs that you should keep an eye out for. It’s normal for some of these things to happen some of the time, but if you see a strong pattern forming, try talking it out with your partner. If talking doesn’t work, remove yourself from that person’s company – before it’s too late.

• Do you regularly second-guess yourself in conversations with this person?
• Do you regularly ask yourself if you’re being too sensitive, especially after conversations with this person?
• Do you often feel flustered, confused, or even “crazy” when they are around?
• Do you apologize obsessively when you’ve done nothing reasonably wrong?
• Do you feel unhappy with this particular area of your life, even if it’s “everything you wanted”?
• Do you make excuses for this person when speaking to others (especially when they’re not around)?
• Do you keep certain parts of your interaction with this person private, out of fear that you’ll have to defend them?
• Do you sense that something is wrong, but have a hard time vocalizing what it is?
• Do you feel the need to lie to or hide things from your partner, to avoid their negative reactions?
• Do you feel anxiety over the small decisions that involve you and this person, or doubt your ability to make the “right” choice?
• Do you feel that you used to be/need to be a completely different person than you are now?
• Do you feel like the area of your life that this person resides in has sucked all of your joy and happiness away?
• Do you find yourself regularly asking if you’re “good enough” – a good enough girlfriend/wife, a good enough employee, a good enough friend…?
• Do you feel that you can’t do anything right, and that your efforts are wasted?

How many counts as “too many”? You’ll need to use your own judgment here, but remember to be honest with yourself when you’re counting everything up. No matter what you may have been led to believe, the only person who has to be in your life forever is yourself – so be good to yourself, and make yourself a priority. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s good to stand your ground when you’re being treated unfairly. And there is hope.

The Good News

The good news is that, once you’ve noticed and identified the pattern, there is power to change it. If it’s done early enough, it may even save the relationship. Of course, changing a problem this big will require that both people be 100% committed to making the changes necessary – otherwise, the old habits are likely to crop back up again.

We’ve done our best to outline the best practices when you do notice a pattern forming, and these patterns should work well no matter what your relationship with the gaslighter. Not every relationship can be fixed, though, so it’s important that you discuss these steps with the other person before moving forward. You can’t do it all on your own, and you shouldn’t have to try.

I tend to be really bad about trying to make a point.

In middle school, “my point” was that I wasn’t gay.

In high school, “my point” was that I didn’t need anyone else in my life.

In college, “my point” was that I didn’t have to show up to class to succeed.

In all three cases, I was wrong. Usually, when someone is trying desperately to prove something, they’re wrong. If something’s true deep within you, you don’t need to prove it to anyone – you already know, and that’s all that matters.

But still, every time I go through a break-up (which, admittedly, hasn’t been for quite some time), I find myself falling back into old habits. I have to prove things to myself. I have to prove that I’m desirable, that I don’t mind sleeping alone, and that I can sleep with whomever I choose, no feelings whatsoever.

And you know what? I’m still wrong, every time.

Now, before I get any backlash for that “desirable” comment, let me explain: I think I’m reasonably attractive, reasonably successful, and reasonably intelligent. I’m pretty ambitious, and I’m usually pretty tidy. But in that short period of time when I’m fresh out of a break-up – that all-so-important time that I should be working on myself – I’m not desirable, because I’m desperate, and no one wants someone who needs someone.

Thankfully, these last few times I’ve been able to pull myself out of it a little quicker, and I’m here to share my tips. What should you do instead of trying to look for a rebound fling?

1. Buy yourself some new clothes.

Chances are, you probably went on a date with your ex in most of the clothes you own now. It’s 100% okay to get rid of those clothes and start over. I’m sure there are some people who have sentimental attachments to their clothing (for example, most of the women I’ve ever dated), but trust me on this one: If a particular item of clothing brings you more sadness and pain than it brings you joy… Just throw it out. It’s not worth it. Then, head on over to your favorite queer-owned shop (or really any shop that sells clothes you like) and go to town.

Now, I personally hate clothes shopping, and if you do, too, hear me out. Those of us who put off buying clothes all the time are really short-changing ourselves. Clothes are an actual need (at least if you don’t want a fine). If money is the problem, arrange a clothing swap with some friends of similar sizes – or strangers, if it’d be too painful for you to see them in the clothes, either. You can also hit thrift shops and online classified boards to see if there’s anything good up for grabs. You never know – you could find your next favorite tee!

2. Take yourself on a date.

Listen – I know what you’re probably thinking: You can’t possibly replace your ex with yourself, right? But, in many ways, you can, actually. Take yourself out to dinner and a movie, and maybe even treat yourself with an orgasm at the end of the night. Not only will it help encourage the idea that you deserve to enjoy your own company, but it’ll also help get you out of that head-funk that so many of us are prone to after a rough break-up.

If you’re not a movie fan, or you don’t have money to go out to a fancy dinner, don’t worry. You can get the same awesome mood-boosting benefits from free activities, like taking a hot bath, a picnic in the park, or even stargazing late at night. The difference between “alone” and “lonely” is purely a frame of mind – so make the best out of your alone time!

3. Re-evaluate your life goals.

Truth be told, you shouldn’t wait to set life goals until you’re depressed. Your plans will be much more effective if you’re in the right frame of mind to work on them. However, once the metaphorical dust has settled, explore the many areas of your life and come up with a plan for what to improve. Chances are, your love life probably isn’t the only area you need some help, so don’t neglect your self-care and career goals, either. It might seem like you’re doomed to fail if you try tackling everything at once – and, in some ways, you are.

Instead, take a look back and evaluate your entire life. See how the different pieces are connected to one another, and try to find things you can do that will help in more than one area. For example, you might want to go on a road trip for fun, and visit the museum a few towns over for self-development. Combining the two into one activity – a drive to explore the local culture – is a great way to catch up on your happiness without missing out on any sleep.

4. Start a journal.

Those of you who regularly read my posts are probably getting sick of me saying it by now, but seriously, start a journal. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy – even a few scraps of paper, or the other side of your computer’s keyboard is fine. I’m pretty sure there are also some decent journal apps for Android, iPhone, and even Windows phone (even though I feel like I’m the only person who likes Windows phones). Your entries don’t need to be ten pages long, or grammatically correct, or done up with fancy flourishes and frame-worthy handwriting. Just get your thoughts out of your mind and through your fingertips.

One method I use in my own life is the bullet journal method. While I’ve made a number of changes to the system to make it work for me (as you should with any self-improvement methods), the entire process has been a lifesaver. I still have a number of kinks to work out in my own life – and don’t trick yourself into thinking this will solve all your problems overnight – but learning to be mindful of my day-to-day activities has caused a dramatic improvement in many separate areas of my life, and it can do the same for you.

5. Help someone less fortunate.

It seems like the lower we’re feeling, the less likely we are to want to help someone else. Truthfully, though, doing kind things for others does a world of good for our self-esteem and our overall mood, and it’s been proven time and time again. When you help others, you’re more likely to be grateful for the things you have, because someone else may be struggling to find those things.

If you’re looking for volunteering opportunities in your area, check your local newspaper (or their online counterpart). You can also search Facebook for volunteering groups, or ask at your local religious centers. Churches and temples often hold food drives for the homeless, although these are privately run by each separate entity – be sure to ask around.

6. Read a good fiction novel.

Sometimes, all it takes to get out of your head is to get completely lost in a made-up world. While that could be as simple as a movie with a happy ending, let’s face it – no one’s going to keep watching the same movie over and over until they’re done with their heartbreak and ready to move on. Books, on the other hand, generally take much longer to get through than a movie, and it allows your mind to think up the scenery.

I know not everyone is into reading, and I can understand that – we all have different hobbies. But, let me try to appeal to you for a minute: Reading fiction actually has a positive effect on your mental health. At least 9 different positive effects, actually – including eliminating as much stress as drinking a cup of hot tea… In as little as six minutes. In the time it takes you to get into your jogging suit and sneakers, you can reduce as much stress by reading as you could by actually going for that walk… And then two more walks after that. Reading actually may even help you with your future romantic relationships, too, as it gives you insight into other people’s communications in a simulated environment. Score!

7. Read a good self-help book.

Up until a few months ago, I was totally against self-help books. They’re hokey, and they just hold a bunch of information you already know. Right? Well, the one thing I didn’t know is that the brain requires confirmation of the things we know, in order to improve ourselves. Reading and learning from someone who’s been in our position before, or one like it, is helpful because their information is completely invaluable.

One of my personal favorites is The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM), by Hal Elrod. It’s a bit slow through the first few chapters, but once he delves into his “secrets”, you’ll wonder why you didn’t think to do these things before some crazy random stranger told you to. Trust me – this book instantly turned me into a morning person. It has magical powers (if you can make it through the not-so-magic parts). All said, I think I’ve read it three or four times now, since April.

8. Give yourself a progress report.

I recommend doing this periodically anyway, whether anything major has gone wrong in your life or not – but especially after a break-up, you should take some time to sit down and think about everything you’ve done over the course of the relationship. Were you being a team player, or a pushover? Were you being a leader, or a boss? Were you being a partner, or a parent? These are all important questions to evaluate, and you’ll need to understand the answer before you can fix any problems that may exist.

Once you’ve evaluated the things you’ve done, right and wrong, you can make a solid action plan for what you’d like to do moving forward in your future relationships. Not all of these choices are going to be easy, but they’re all going to get you where you need to be: Calm, confident, and ready for a new start.

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When you’re in the middle of a heartbreak, the last thing you want is a bunch of people telling you how much better off you are. You know your ex was wrong for you, but you don’t want to admit it (just in case you end up working things out). You know you have all this time to focus on yourself now, but all you want to do is curl up and binge-watch Netflix from midnight until dawn. You know that your old friends are still there for you, but you also know what they’re going to say – so you don’t really want to deal with it.

Well, sorry to be yet another one of “those guys”, but… I’m about to tell you all the great things about getting dumped.

I’m not saying you should go out of your way to leave a happy relationship, and I’m definitely not saying that you should go around dumping people just to make their lives better. No, instead, I’d like to focus on the good things that come along with the painful parts, the ways the pain is worth it, and why heartbreak is actually a necessary part of the human experience.

Ready? Let’s dig in.

1. It reminds you to be realistic.

I think we all had dreams of a fairy tale love when we were younger. Some of the earliest childhood movies often center around it, actually. (Thanks, Disney.) When we get to dating age, many of us have entirely unrealistic expectations about love, life, and the world in general… And heartbreak helps you remember that it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows.

It’s not the most fun part of a romantic relationship, at least not usually. I don’t believe I’ve met anyone who actually gets pleasure from being the dumper or the dumpee. (I’m sure they exist, but I tend to avoid those people, I guess.) It helps us appreciate the beauty of the good parts of love, by reminding us that it’s not always like that. It reminds us that life is a game of averages – and even though it sucks to lose, you can’t fully appreciate your wins until you do.

2. It provides contrast.

It’s almost like heartache is specifically designed to take up all the space in your heart that the love previously filled. The longer and stronger your bond with your ex, the more pain you’re going to feel when it’s over. In some cases, this can be downright catastrophic – no one wants to go from all to nothing in an instant.

But sadness and anger have their place, just like happiness and passion. You can’t really understand how much love you truly had until you’ve lost it and hit the pits of despair. Sure, it hurts. Sure, it’s embarrassing sometimes. Sure, sometimes you just want to crawl in a hole. I totally understand.

But there is an upside to hitting rock bottom: You’ve got nowhere to go but up. When you’re at your lowest, remember that things can’t stay bad forever, just like they can’t stay good forever. Life requires balance, and things will turn back around to your favor someday. Just try to be patient!

3. It forces you to reevaluate your priorities.

If your ex was a huge part of your life, as she probably was (otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling this heartache now), it’s completely normal to feel lost. Even the most well-intentioned among us may fall into the trap of planning our lives around someone else’s involvement in it. In fact, it’s good, to a certain degree. If neither you or your partner picture your future together, there’s probably a reason. But when one person pictures the other, and the other pictures freedom, heartbreak happens.

You may have heard before that break-ups are a time to “discover yourself”. That’s definitely true, but some of the things you’ll be discovering are going to hurt even more than the break-up did. Maybe you explore your mind and you find some thoughts that scare you. Maybe you examine your ex’s accusations and you find that you weren’t really that great of a girlfriend after all. Maybe you explore your kitchen and polish off every single piece of chocolate and pastry you can find – hey, I’ve been there before, too.

The important thing isn’t necessarily that you find all the answers, but that you evaluate the direction your life is going, and compare it to where you’d like it to be going. Think of the things you want to fix, and decide which ones are worthy of your attention right now. Just make sure you’re not trying just to get her back – you should be trying to fix yourself for your own benefit.

4. It tests your strength and your will.

Everyone loves a good challenge, right? Even if your heartbreak feels like the worst hardship on the face of the earth (which is probably an exaggeration in the first place), the way you handle this hardship tells a lot about who you are as a person, as well as helping shape your resilience in the rest of your life.

OK, so right in the middle of a heartache isn’t exactly the time you want to be challenged. I get it. But think about it this way: Your overall strength is an average, not a statistic. Some days, you’re going to be disappointed with your life, and yourself. Other days, you’re going to push through and get better. It’s a numbers game, so the more days you push forward, the stronger you’ll be. On the days you’re not doing so great, remind yourself of how far you’ve come, and be your own hero.

5. It teaches you self-reliance.

When you get out of a long-term or codependent relationship, it can be really difficult to remember what you were like B.G. (before girlfriend). The heartbreak you go through after the relationship ends reminds you that it doesn’t matter if it would be easier with someone else in the picture – you don’t need anyone else to complete you. You got this – always have, always will.

I know not everyone seeks to be as independent as possible, and I’m sure total self-reliance is probably not entirely healthy. Humans are, by nature, social creatures, and I’m definitely not saying that you should become a hermit. But once you embrace your self-reliance as a blessing, rather than a curse, you’re already well on your way to greater happiness.

6. It makes room for someone new.

You know that feeling when it’s almost as if there’s a giant hole in the middle of your chest, like the person who just broke up with you literally walked right through you and took some pieces on their way out? Well, the truth is, she didn’t leave that hole there. That hole was there long before she came around, and it’ll still be there long after your next relationship ends. You just didn’t realize the hole was there because she was there distracting you.

Humans aren’t, by nature, lifelong partners. Sure, inevitably there will probably be one special relationship that lasts for the rest of your life – but you can’t actually plan for that. People break up and fall in love again every single day, and with as many people as there are in the world, the person who walks away isn’t the ending to your story. You write your story, and she just gave you permission to re-cast your sidekick.

In most cases, each time you fall in love is going to be better than the last. You’re older, wiser, and more experienced each time. You’ve loved, you’ve lost, and you’ve learned to love again. You’ve gotten better at choosing partners, because you don’t want to repeat past mistakes. You’ve learned things about yourself, so you’re a better partner, too. Think of how much you loved that person you thought was perfect – and think of how much more you’ll love the one who’s even better.

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Many of us feel the “need” to be in a relationship in order to keep our sanity. For example, I feel a lot more in control of my surroundings if I have something to plan – and often, my own personal plans don’t really keep me occupied for too long. When I’m single (or fresh into a relationship), I find myself compelled to start playing Personal Assistant to my friends. They don’t usually mind, but I do have to remind myself regularly that their business is their business. I’m also a bit of a nurturer, so taking care of someone else – or helping them to take care of themselves – has always had a pretty strong pull for me.

If you’re entering a relationship just to take care of these needs, stop – your girlfriend should not be there to fill a void.

We all know that we should let a relationship happen, instead of chasing it down, yet still there are so many who consider themselves actively looking for love. Doesn’t really make a lot of sense, unless you take into consideration the personal journeys these people are taking first. In some cases, their journey has taken them to their ideal self, and they’re looking for someone to share it with. In other cases, the person might think that having a partner can help them reach their goals easier. Neither one is completely good or bad, but the questions you ask yourself before you reach that point will help determine what you should do next.

1. What’s your affection style?

Are you the type of person to show physical affection, or would you rather shower your partner with gifts? Are you affectionate with all your friends, and do you need a partner who’s willing to accept that? Understanding how you show affection will help you determine what affection style will complement yours best.

2. What are your future plans?

If you don’t fully understand your plans for the future, you can’t possibly find a partner who fully embraces the same ideals you have – you’ll be loosely bound by the other person’s future plans. On the other hand, if your future plans are mapped out in absolute detail, it’ll be hard to find a place for your partner to fit. It’s best to have a general goal, and specify it in short-term steps.

3. Why do you want to be in a relationship?

Simultaneously one of the simplest and most difficult questions to answer, you’ll want to understand why you want to be in a relationship, in order to know how to move forward. If you want a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, chances are, you’re not ready to be a good partner – wait until you are ready.

4. What do you want out of a relationship?

This sort of goes hand-in-hand with why you want a relationship, but they’re not mutually exclusive things. You might want a relationship because you have free time, but what you want out of the relationship is someone to fulfill your sexual needs, for example – in this case, a relationship isn’t really what you want, but an orgasm. If your answer to this question is anything other than “the company of someone I have shared interests with”, you might not be completely ready.

5. What do you bring to the table?

It might seem weird to make a list of the positive traits and qualities you have, but I promise, there’s a good reason. Evaluating the value you bring into a relationship will help you identify what you need to improve, and what your core values might be. If all you have is money, your relationship will probably be built around money. On the other hand, if you have no money, you’ll need to come up with a plan for how you’ll support yourself.

6. Why did your last relationship end?

Let’s face it: You can’t get over your last relationship unless you have explored why it didn’t work out. Maybe one of you cheated, or you couldn’t keep up with the long-distance thing anymore, or she refused to move out of her parents’ house, even though you were willing to help her get on her feet. No matter what the reason is, understanding it will help you prevent the problem in the future, or it will teach you what you’re no longer willing to settle for.

7. How happy are you with your life in general?

Sometimes, we seek out a relationship as a way to make us happy. Particularly after we’ve gotten out of a long term relationship and grown used to having someone next to us, it can seem important to find a person to fill that empty spot in our bed. But you can’t be a good partner unless your overall happiness is in check. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it should be positive.

8. What are you willing to give up to make this hypothetical relationship work?

Hey, we don’t like to think of the sacrifices we’ll make in a relationship, but it’s important to realize that it does happen sometimes. Identify how much you’re actually willing to give up, and then don’t allow yourself to compromise anything that’s more important to you. That way, if you see signs that your partner is asking for more, you’ll know your happiness depends on you stepping back.

9. What do you hope this relationship is going to accomplish?

All right, confession time… The right answer here is nothing. You shouldn’t enter a relationship with particular expectations about what you’re going to get out of it. Otherwise, you’re using the relationship as a crutch to get something else, and your partner is going to be quite understandably upset about it when and if she finds out. Wait until you don’t need anything from the relationship before you proceed.

10. What do you want in a partner?

In a perfect world, everyone would be compatible with everyone else, and there wouldn’t even be an issue about how things work out. But humans are unique, and you can’t reasonably expect compatibility between drastically different core values. If sustainable living is important to you, you’ll be happier with a partner who shares those values. If honesty is more important, prioritize that. Try not to over-complicate the list with general or aesthetic choices, but do keep in mind the type of person you’d like to be with.

11. Do you feel like this is a good time for you to be in a relationship?

We’ve discussed the importance of having time for a relationship before – but we’re going to talk about it today, too. You can’t expect to be a good partner if you don’t have time. And you can’t expect to keep a good partner if you’re not a good partner yourself. While your perfect partner should respect your hustle and understand that she’s not always going to come first, if you don’t have any time for her, you’re not being fair.

12. What’s wrong with you?

That old cliché of “you have to love yourself first” is way overdone, and in many ways it’s become almost a joke in the dating community. People who found love when they were at their lowest and had partners who taught them how to love themselves will come out with stories about their fairy-tale ending, but we need to realize that shouldn’t be the goal. If it happens, it happens – but that’s not going to happen if you’re out looking for it. If you start your relationship with unfair expectations, neither of you is going to be happy. Understanding what you’re not happy with will force you to decide whether it’s something you can change, or something you need to accept.

13. What do you dislike about being single?

It’s actually been scientifically proven that a woman in a happy relationship is no better off than she is when she’s single – at least, not according to her physical and mental health. But, given the fact that an unhappy relationship totally damages your mental and physical health, being unhappy in single-ness is actually better than being miserable in a relationship – and being miserable in a relationship is a little more likely if you weren’t happy from the start. Understand that this relationship might make you happy in the beginning, but if you don’t have a happy base that you’re working from, you’re not going to find long-term happiness. And don’t you deserve happiness that actually lasts?

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Have you ever looked back at your past relationships and wondered, “What the fuck was I thinking?!”

I know I have… More than once. In fact, I feel like I have this conversation with myself every time I get out of a relationship. I tend to go for women who are totally wrong for me, and feel like I can do something to make them more right for me.

Spoiler alert: You can’t.

Someone isn’t going to change to be a better fit for someone they don’t genuinely love. What’s more, you shouldn’t change just to make yourself more compatible with a specific person. After all, if you’re not right together, you’re not right together, and no amount of self-sacrifice is going to fix that.

Looking at your past history in great detail can be a painful experience, but also a rewarding one. If you’ve never sat down and evaluated your love life before, chances are you have no idea what you’re looking for, what you want, or who you want/need to be.

We’ve got an 11-step system for using your failed relationships as a pushing-off point for your future relationships. Are you ready to get a bit analytical?

Step one: The list.

Make a list of everyone you ever had a serious romantic or intimate connection with. Leave some room between the names, because you’re going to examine them a little closer soon. Whether you dated for six years, you hooked up twice and never saw each other again, or you just had a strong crush that broke your heart, doesn’t matter – put them on the list. Anyone who has impacted your emotional state, put ‘em on the list. Don’t push your emotions away right now – if you let yourself re-feel those emotions, it’ll be easier to do the next step.

Step two: How it began.

Next to each person’s name in your list, make a note of where you met, and how the attraction started. What caught your attention? What turned you off and almost made you not give it a chance? Were there any important cues of things to come that you ignored, and totally shouldn’t have? Anything important about the beginning of the entire relationship (or affair, or crush), write it down.

Step three: How were you together?

Make a note as to how you felt about the person when you were together, as well as the way you acted toward one another. Were you both committed and faithful? Was it based on lust, or were there actually feelings involved? How did each person talk to you when you were together? Make sure you’re honest with yourself here – this shouldn’t be about making “the best” answers, it should be about logging the most correct answers.

Step four: Why did you break up?

Who broke up with whom, and what were the reasons? If it was a mutual break-up, what were the reasons? If you broke up with her, why did you feel that you couldn’t work things out? Was it a slow drift or a sudden end? Make sure to note whether you got closure or not, too – as humans, we need closure in order to resolve things. If you haven’t gotten closure, treat your list as your closure.

Step five: Your ex’s qualities

Next, make a list of the character traits your exes possessed. For each one, consider their good and bad traits – and find a way to note which is which on your list. The things you consider deal-breakers should have an especially big notation, because these are the things you don’t want to deal with in another partner. The positive things that are shared across multiple exes are probably some of your criteria for a good partner – but you’ll need to examine whether it’s a healthy positive trait, or just a temporary distraction.

Step six: Compare.

Take a look at all the information you have on your list, and compare how each ex was similar to one another. Also compare the differences between the best relationships and the worst, to see how they affected you. Without this vital step, your list is all for nothing – simply forcing yourself to revisit potentially painful memories, without finding a way to use them for your own benefit, can be emotionally draining. If you need to take a break between your list items and your comparison, take one – this is all about you.

If you find that you’ve dated a string of unemployed addicts, or “fixer-uppers”, or severely intense people, this is something you’ll want to work on for the future. If you’re consistently dating people who seem good on paper, but you were unhappy in the relationship, consider the possibility that they may have been gaslighting you.

Even those of us who have “no type” will find some patterns in their past history, even if the similarities between their exes isn’t obvious from the surface. This deeper look into our romantic history can clue us into the things that we didn’t even know we needed to change.

Step seven: Understand the patterns.

If you want to change your actions, some psychologists feel that exploring your past is helpful in determining the future. While we’re not really sure if it applies to everything, repetition compulsion is a real thing, and understanding why you choose the people you choose to be with might play a huge part in determining how you go about changing these patterns and habits.

Now, I know there might be some people here who say “But you can’t choose who you love!” and… You’re not entirely right. You can’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you can choose who you give your attention to – and you can control your infatuation in order to prevent it from actually turning into love.

Now, onto that repetition compulsion thing: In short, your brain is a jerk. If a situation goes badly, instead of trying not to get into that type of situation again, your brain is going to try to make you recreate that situation over and over again, until you get it right. The only problem here is that repeating the same situation is unlikely to have a drastically different result. In fact, it’s long been said that insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. You can’t get those different results unless you change your approach to these problems.

Does this mean that you have to completely change “your type” in order to have a happy relationship? Not necessarily. But you do need to change how you respond to the negative triggers, and work a little harder to eliminate the deal-breakers as early on as possible.

Step eight: Stop trying to win.

I know you’re an awesome person, otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading this right now. But, unfortunately, your ex probably wasn’t so awesome of a person, because if she was, you’d still be with her… Right? Right. You can’t win against someone who isn’t playing fair, so stop trying.

Someone who is emotionally abusive is going to stay emotionally abusive. An emotionally distant person is going to stay emotionally distant. You can’t change anyone but yourself – so stop trying to turn the wrong person into the right person. You literally can’t do it, and it’ll drive you crazy if you keep trying. Instead, seek out relationships where the other person shows that they’re worthy of all the awesomeness that is you.

Step nine: Brainstorm.

Now that you’ve gotten your list done of the good and bad traits of each of your past partners, it’s time to “craft” your perfect partner. Of course, this shouldn’t be seen as a list of requirements, but rather a list of preferences – it’s important that you be flexible to some less-than-perfect qualities.

Look over your entire list, and highlight (or copy down) the positive traits that your past partners may have shared. Anything from your past relationships that you would like to see in your future relationships, write that down. Anything bad that you don’t want to deal with again, write that down, too.

Try to avoid noting preferences that deal with your ideal partner’s appearance or job title, as these things may change (or, at the very least, are pretty shallow). Your limitations and expectations should be based on broad terms and things that you can actually find in a new partner – not things that are specific to your exes.

Step ten: Figure out what you need.

Now that we’ve covered the things you want in your relationships, it’s time to address the things you need. Take a look at this quiz about the five love languages to determine what your own affection needs are, and try to make a blueprint to help you find someone with the qualities you want and the love style you need. It might seem minor, but these are important factors to consider – you are significantly more compatible with someone who has a similar affection style as you.

Step eleven: Evaluate what you need to change.

So I bet you thought this was going to be all about what you want, right? Well, almost. The last step in this process is to evaluate your own life, and see which of the things your exes disliked about you are actually valid needs-for-improvement. For example, if your exes frequently complained that you were selfish, consider adopting a more selfless lifestyle. If your partners have complained that you’re too messy, try to work on developing better cleaning habits.

There is no single right or wrong answer here, and the things you need to prove aren’t necessarily the things that I would need to improve. Make sure you’re being honest with yourself, and taking into consideration that you really shouldn’t give up the things that make you you. Focus on the things that will make you a better person, rather than a different person.

What most people don’t realize is that, the things we tend to want out of a relationship are often the exact opposites of the things we can see in ourselves. If we’re very shy, we might gravitate toward people who are outspoken. If we’re not very strong or brave, we might seek out someone who is more protective. No matter what the specifics of the people you want in your life, you might find happiness simply by becoming the type of person you’d want to date.

I know it seems weird, but trust me – you need to be the type of person you’d want to attract. We’re attracted to people who are like us, just as much as we’re attracted to people who are different than us, but in different ways. Strong, assertive women need strong, assertive lovers. Highly intelligent people need highly intelligent lovers. And all of us want to avoid being the type of person we can’t stand – so make sure you’re not setting yourself up to be the wrong type of partner.

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When we think about love, usually the first thing that comes to mind is how we feel about our partner. However, I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that actions speak louder than words – and according to relationship psychologists Dr. John and Julie Gottman, our actions and behaviors paint a much clearer picture of our relationship than we often give them credit for.

Which actions exactly are related to our love? Is it about doing chores and favors for one another, or how much intimacy we show? Well, let’s examine the key points of the Gottmans’ theory. How many things do you see in your relationship? How many are you doing, too?

1. Your partner wants to spend time with you.

Despite the other commitments in your life, you and your partner want to spend time together – and you make time for one another when you can. The desire to spend time together indicates that your relationship has a good potential for long-term intimacy and a long-lasting bond.

2. Your partner wants to know about your day.

When the two of you do spend time together, your partner shows interest in your day, and genuinely wants to know what’s going on in your life. She wants to know about the good things, as well as the bad things, and she makes a point to let you know that she supports you.

3. Your partner trusts you.

Partners who love and trust each other will generally give each other the benefit of the doubt. It’s normal to want to have an idea of where your partner will be at any given time, but a healthy long-term relationship requires that the partners retain their rights to privacy and alone time.

4. Your partner helps you with the little things when you need her to.

Most people shy away from the idea of taking on extra responsibilities, but in a loving relationship, each partner can expect their partner to help them out when possible and necessary. By the same token, you should expect that your partner won’t take advantage of your willingness to help out.

5. Your partner respects your differing views.

Although opinions range from “opposites attract” to “like attracts like”, recent research shows that it doesn’t really matter whether you and your partner agree, as long as you each genuinely respect each other’s opinions. Over time, you may find that your views start to meet in the middle, as each of you listens to the other’s point-of-view when a topic comes up.

6. Your partner makes decisions with you, rather than for you.

The specifics of this one will vary based on your relationship’s unique dynamics, but each of you should expect to feel heard and represented when decisions are made that affect both of you. It’s normal to have each partner specialize in different aspects of decision-making, but neither partner should be “in control” of the relationship.

7. Your partner shows physical and/or emotional affection.

In a loving relationship, there is usually some form of physical interaction between the partners: Whether you’re having sex every day or only a couple times a year (or never!), there is non-sexual affection being displayed between you.

8. Your partner looks at you regularly – even if only briefly.

When your partner looks at you while you talk, watches while you get dressed, or even just glances at you for no reason, she loves you. You don’t need to spend hours looking into each other’s eyes, or watch each other sleep to know that you enjoy each other’s company.

9. Your partner reminisces with you.

When you and your partner take time to relive the happy memories of your past – not from a place of nostalgia, but from a positive and supportive point-of-view – it shows that your shared memories are important to her. She may even bring up stories that you don’t remember, which shows that the experience strengthened her bond with you.

10. Your partner is willing to stand up for you in times of adversity.

According to sexuality researcher David Frost, in a study of lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples, the couples who felt that they had been discriminated against due to their relationship shared a closer bond and felt stronger with their partner than they felt when they were alone. Even if you and your partner haven’t faced such extreme circumstances, standing together in spite of challenges shows that you truly care about one another.

11. Your partner inspires you to be a better, happier person.

If your partner loves you, she will do things that boost your self-confidence and motivate you to achieve your goals. She understands that her opinion is important to you, so she positively reinforces your identity and self-worth. It’s not going to be rainbows and sunshine every day, but if you largely feel positive about your relationship, you’ll be happier with yourself when you’re apart and you’ll want to spend more time together.

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I’m sure you’ve heard that dating coworkers is a bad idea. I know I’ve always made a point that I’d never date one of my coworkers, but every now and then, there’ll be a coworker crush that’s just a little too hard to ignore.

It’s important that you totally do ignore it, though, because dating a coworker has the potential to be a catastrophic mistake.

I’m talking like the biggest mistake you’ve ever made.

Here are 6 reasons why.

1. It distracts you from your work.

While it’s really fun to keep a secret, all those across-the-room glances are sure to keep you away from the task at hand. That’s bad at all levels, because you run the risk of getting in trouble at work, and if either of you depends on that income to survive… Well, it’s no longer completely guaranteed.

And it wouldn’t really be fair to blame your supervisors or other coworkers for this, either. When you’re romantically involved with one of your coworkers, it’s incredibly difficult for you to avoid making excuses to spend time with them instead of doing what you need to do. I work from home, and my partner is able to unintentionally distract me from work for up to a few hours at a time – and I consider myself a fairly task-oriented person.

2.   If things get serious, you won’t have much time apart.

Working with someone for 40 hours a week is already a pretty big commitment. If the two of you spend more time together outside of work (which you probably should, for a healthy relationship), that can jump up to 50 or 60 hours a week together, or more. Then, when the two of you decide to move in together, it’ll bump that up to over 100 hours together each and every week… Really quickly. This is a lot of time to invest in the same person’s company.

Even if you really love your partner, you’ll need to leave yourselves room to spend time apart. If you’re working together, and not doing so from home, you’re pretty much at the mercy of others to be able to get time away from each other. It’s far better to prepare for the day you two bug the crap out of each other, than to be caught off-guard the day it finally happens.

3.   If things go south, you won’t have much time apart, either.

If things go bad, and you’re still working together, work will be miserable when she’s there. She’ll have the ability to ruin your entire day without even trying, just by showing up and doing her job. If she tries to make your work life hell, it definitely will be. (Hey, I’m not going to pretend some women aren’t super spiteful. I used to be one of those women. Thankfully, I grew up a little since then.)

Working in close proximity to someone who broke your heart, or someone you let down, is not a fun feeling. Especially if one of you still has feelings for the other, it can be totally unfair. But there is an easy way to prevent problems like this – just don’t date your coworkers!

4.   She could potentially out you at work.

For me, it’s a pretty scary idea that I could get outed in the professional world. I know, it’s a silly thing to be afraid of, this day and age. Right? Well, unfortunately, there are still so many places where you can be openly discriminated against in the workplace if your employers find out you’re gay. It sucks, but it is the world we live in, and until we change it, it’s harder to be ourselves in public spaces.

If you’re dating someone who could easily out you to management, and you live somewhere it’s legal to discriminate against queer employees, it can be an extremely delicate situation. Truthfully, anyone has the potential to out someone, with or without reason, but this is one unnecessary risk I’d rather not take.

5.    You can’t move on if you see her every day.

Remember when we said you two were going to be spending a lot of time together? Well, that’s still going to be the case if you break up. Most workplaces expect you to be professional, which means you’ll have to deal with seeing your ex at work – it would be immature to ask to be transferred just because of your bad decision. Sure, you could quit your job, but then your ex would just be winning – and you’re too hurt to let her win. Right?

Unfortunately, your coworkers are going to be very aware of how not okay you are after the break-up. These are people you spend a tremendous amount of time around, and most likely, they know you better than you think they do. They can probably tell when you’ve gotten lucky, when you need to get lucky, and even when you get in a fight with your girlfriend – because they spend so much time around you every week. And now, one of these super-close coworkers is an ex-girlfriend. Yikes.

6.   Eventually, you may have to choose between your job and your relationship.

I hate being put in a position to choose between love and money. Both are more important in my life than I’d like them to be, and I’ve turned down one for the other on a few different occasions (in both directions). That’s a bridge you’ll need to cross every time you come to it, but it’s worth preventing the situation from coming up more than it needs to, especially if you love your job (or had a really tough break-up).

If the two of you stay together, but one of you gets promoted, are you going to be able to handle that? Many places have regulations about nepotism in the workplace, and while you might be able to skate by without being noticed, you would be risking a lot. If you broke up, would you be able to handle seeing them every day, or would you feel pressured to leave your job? The decision is up to you, but it’s easier to avoid it.

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Most of us have given at least a passing thought to the idea of getting married. Sure, it’s not for everyone, and there are definitely people who shouldn’t get married – at least, not to each other.

Often, the signs that you’re with “the right person” for you are super obvious: You both think that the other is completely out-of-this-world, even after a few years of “cooling off” time. But some of the signs that you should probably marry your partner aren’t so easy to spot.

In fact, the idea of marriage stems from a lot of smaller, seemingly insignificant personality traits and values. How many of these signs do you see in your relationship?

1. You both sleep toward the middle of the bed.

According to a recent survey, couples who sleep less than an inch away from each other are more likely to have a happy, lasting relationship, as compared to those who sleep on opposite sides of the bed. There’s also a connection with sleep-cuddling and the bonding hormone oxytocin, so spooning with your partner is a pretty good sign that you two have a close bond.

2. You thank each other often.

Research shows that gratitude greatly increases your overall happiness – and in the context of your romantic relationships, saying “thank you” might be just as important as saying “I love you”. Many relationships fail (or at least falter) because one partner feels unappreciated, so making the extra effort to let your partner know you’re grateful for her can help prevent problems before they start.

3. You are both healthy and upbeat.

A positive attitude and healthy habits can keep a relationship running smoothly, according to a recent study. Thankfully, if one of you isn’t feeling the positive vibes, it’s never too late to change your outlook on life. It takes a bit of work in the beginning, but creating healthy and positive habits gives you lifelong benefits in almost all areas of your life.

4. You have similar speech patterns.

Your word choice might seem like a completely irrelevant factor in determining your compatibility, but this is one of the many areas of compatibility. Recent research shows that using the same function words (prepositions, pronouns, quantifiers, and conjunctions) as your partner increases the likelihood that you’re going to stay together – and mimicking the speaking habits of a person you’re interested in ups the chances that you’ll get together in the first place.

5. You make out with each other on the regular.

Ok, so this one isn’t so subtle – but lots of kissing is connected with more relationship happiness and satisfaction. It’s not really clear which is the cause and which is the effect, but either way, it’s a good excuse to kiss and make out on a daily basis.

6. You two hang out with your couple-friends.

Double dates help build stronger bonds, according to a recent study – so find another couple or two, and make a weekly date night together. Of course, in order for this to work, the other couple has to be a happy, healthy couple too – but, statistically speaking, couples who double-date with other couples are usually happier when it’s just the two of them, too.

7. You watch chick flicks together.

According to research, cuddling up to a romantic movie on a regular basis (and then talking about the movie afterwards) strengthens your bond as a couple. It gives a no-stress way to communicate the things that your relationship is lacking, as well as the things you really appreciate, and it actually makes you less likely to break up within the next three years – so keeping it a regular habit helps keep the benefits going.

8. Your intuition tells you only good things.

A recent study found that your gut feelings are a better indicator of your satisfaction than your self-reported feelings. If your gut feels pretty good, chances are your relationship is pretty good. Listen to your intuition – it’s there for a reason!

9. You have sex on a regular basis.

What constitutes “regular” may be different from couple to couple, but having sex regularly leads to long, happy marriages, and better overall happiness, too. The “type” of sex doesn’t really matter here – just as long as you’re getting it on as often as you’d like.