Tag Archives: lesbian bar

The 10 Stages Of Going Out As A Lesbian To A Gay Bar

I love going out, especially to gay bars and recently I have noticed a pattern. Every single night out I go through the same 10 stages. So, for my own embarrassment and your entertainment, here they are:

1. The pre-party is the best party

I love drinking games and for some odd reason, the pre-party is always my favourite part of going out! The night is filled with possibility as I search for the best party in town, only to realise I am going to the nearest gay club strictly out of convenience. I turn on Beyoncé, pour everyone a drink, get my disco ball and I am ready to get this night started. A couple hours later, fully dressed and rather tipsy, it’s time to head to the club!

2. So. Many. Shirtless. Guys

As there are no lesbian clubs in my city, I always end up going to a bar that’s predominantly filled with gay men and, like clockwork, if I arrive past 1 a.m. I can count on seeing at least 5 shirtless men at any time.

What about queer women?! Recently, there was a lesbian party and I decided to check it out. Little did I know that instead of half-naked men, I was going to walk into a sea of snapbacks. Everywhere I looked, I could spot snapbacks! Time to showcase my talents…

3. I have two left feet and no shame

Something amazing happens when I drink. I can’t dance for my life but, after the pre-party and the magic effect gay clubs have on me; I spend the whole night dancing. I apologize in advance to anyone who has ever decided to dance with me. I am truly sorry you had to experience that.

Has it ever stopped me? Hell no! I will get down to Britney Spears, Beyoncé and J-Lo every single time. And believe me when I say, dancing on top of the speakers is a given.

4. New gay best friend

All that dancing usually means I am, unfortunately, on the spotlight. But one amazing thing always happens: I will find a new gay best friend. As the music keeps playing and the drinks flowing, I end up meeting someone who, just like me, loves to dance. The big difference is, they can dance. I can’t. True story, one of my best friends to this day is a gay man who I comforted outside a gay bar when he wasn’t feeling too well. I brought him chips and our friendship was sealed forever.

5. Shots are a girl’s best friend

After my new found friendship, there is only one logical thing to do. Shots! Bear in mind, I am quite short and my alcohol tolerance is pretty low so shots usually mean one thing and one thing only. The night will soon be over. After a couple incidents with Tequila, I have developed my own technique to down a shot without immediately regretting it: I don’t. I just sip it like a true weirdo hoping no one will ask for more shots.

6. Guys, welcome to “The Carol Show”

After my single shot, I get back to the dancefloor. If I was a horrible dancer before, I can’t even begin to explain how bad my dancing skills are now. And not just my dancing skills, but I also decide it’s the perfect time to start singing. I feel like I am on “Glee” and, once again, the top of the speakers is my favourite place to dance.

She wants it maybe two

7. “Looking very Shane”

By now, I am feeling pretty good and people are starting to notice me. The only problem is, I am the friendliest anti-social drunk person I know, meaning I usually start flirting with the only other lesbian at the gay bar only to then forget about her and go back to dancing. I am fully aware of the fact that I look like a mess at this stage but I still feel like Shane has nothing on me! This is by far the most regrettable stage and I can’t even begin to count the amount of times my flatmate has lectured me about not forgetting to flirt at a club. I always end up forgetting and later regretting it.

8. Wait, I need a second

At this point, my new gay best friend is nowhere to be seen, my possible crush is gone and I am out of money. Time to step out of the club and have a cigarette, which always ends up being a horrible decision as they just make me feel sick.

When I go out, I usually go with my flatmate so this is the perfect opportunity to regroup and discuss the vibe inside the club. Amazing debates have unfolded during this little break and, oddly enough, the final decision is always to go back home.

9. Sober the fudge up

Living in the Czech Republic has its perks and the biggest one by far is food joints. You can find that most kebab places are still open. Not in the mood for a kebab? You can find pizza, hot dogs, nachos and even Chinese food at 5 a.m. It’s truly magical and I am a firm believer that you haven’t lived if you haven’t gotten food poisoning after a night out. Also, at this point, everyone gets emotional and, in-between mouthfuls of pizza, I decide to share long and heartfelt love declarations.

10. Bed, Bath and Beyond

Finally home! Why is my room spinning and my ears ringing?! I don’t know but frankly I could sleep anywhere right now. A ton of water and one last bite of pizza later, I am tucked in and ready to slumber.

An Aspirin and quick bath in the morning feel like heaven after a night of heavy drinking and dancing. But best of all? I still have pizza leftovers.

The 9 Types Of Women To Avoid Hitting On At The Gay Bar

When we’re cruising for women at the gay bar, we may feel that everyone there is also cruising for women – and, similarly, that they’re a good choice to flirt with. Now, I’m all for taking on a challenge, but statistically speaking, there is definitely such a thing as “the woman you shouldn’t hit on”. Some of these women will destroy your self-esteem, some of them will destroy your image of gay bars, and some of them will just end up being absolutely nothing like you thought they would.

We’re here to try and save you from these women. Really, they’re probably bad news, even (or especially) if they seem like an “easy target”.

The Alpha

Unless you, too, are an alpha, alpha women are not usually a good choice for relationship material. They know what they want and they know what they’re capable of, and honestly they’re super sexy. But they know they’re super sexy, and they know that there’s probably something better out there – which will keep them from fully committing to you. Sure, there are probably exceptions. But unless you, too, are 100% confident in who you are and what you deserve, the alpha woman has the ability to completely destroy the way you think of yourself.

How do you know an alpha woman when you see her? Well, for starters, she’ll probably look (and act) like she’s out of your league – although she may treat you as if you’re a challenge to be conquered. This can feel amazing when it’s happening, but if you’re not ready to live up to her expectations, you might end up with a broken heart and a longing for the type of sex that no one else gave you before her – or since her.

The Scene Queen

This woman is on a quest to out-gay everyone else in the bar. She makes a point to be up on all the gay gossip, including outing people who aren’t ready to be out of the closet yet. She’ll also look and act a bit like an alpha, although it’s probably just an act – really, she doesn’t have the self-confidence to be a true Alpha, so she’s compromising by making everything about everyone else. Oh, and her reputation precedes her. Like, by a lot.

You’ll know her instantly when you see her, because she’ll remind you a bit of yourself right after you came out for the first time. She’s got a reputation to keep, after all, and she’s all about being the gayest she can possibly be. She wears flannel and snapbacks because “that’s what lesbians do”, not because they’re comfortable. She’s probably got a quirky hat that calls attention to how gay she really is, and the whole thing reeks of trying to fit in with the “cool kids”.

The Straight Girl

She can be hard to distinguish from the Scene Queen, because she, too, is trying to out-gay everyone (and everything) in the room. She may be surrounded by all of her gay friends, even if she just made them that very night. She’ll happily ask you all these intrusive questions about “what it’s like” to be a lesbian, but when you offer to “show” her, she’ll get really uncomfortable and leave – or, even worse, she’ll play along, just to leave you waiting for her as she sneaks out the back door.

How do you tell the difference between the straight girl and the Scene Queen? Don’t worry – the straight girl will tell you repeatedly that she’s just there for a good time, and that doesn’t include taking her panties off. But she’ll probably wait until after you’ve bought her a few (dozen) drinks. After all… She’s there to have a good time.

The Fall-Down Drunk

Definitely the easiest to spot, this woman is at the bar for one reason and one reason alone: She wants to get really, really drunk. She probably got started before she even left home, because she can’t afford to drink as many expensive drinks as she’d like, and getting a head start allows her to block out as many memories as she chooses. Sometimes, these women are already done before they even leave the house – in which case, we’d hope the bartender would be wise enough to cut them off, but that’s not always how it happens.

While she might seem like an “easy target”, it’s really, really important that you don’t try to go home with this girl. She may also fall in one of the other categories listed here, too. But the most important thing to remember is that she is way too drunk to give consent, or to remember what happened in the morning. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll puke on your shoes.

The Gold-Star Snob

The Gold-Star Snob knew she was gay from a very young age, and can’t wrap her head around the idea that someone else might take a little longer to come around. Someone who openly identifies as bisexual is completely out of the question – these women tend to be so biphobic that they may even (purposely) make the bisexuals in the room leave crying. What may be even worse is that they have no shame about verbally attacking the rest of the queer community, and pretend that they are the majority, which really isn’t the case.

Gold-Star Snobs will most likely only be surrounded by women who also identify as Gold Stars, whether snobbishly or not – and they tend to feel that man-hating is an inherent part of homosexuality, and that bisexuals are a “threat” to lesbians. They’re some of the worst perpetuators of the most negative stereotypes that are associated with the queer community and they have the audacity to blame everyone else. If you’re not sure if she’s a snob, just bring up any heteronormative movie. The GSS will gladly tell you what’s “wrong” with liking a movie that doesn’t have an all-queer storyline.

The Underage Girl

This is the woman who snuck into the gay bar without being old enough to do so, thereby putting the whole bar at risk of being shut down, because they haven’t mastered the level of self-control necessary to keep things legal. Not only is she (probably) drinking underage, but she may not even be the legal age of consent in y0ur region – which makes her particularly dangerous, especially if she falls into one of the other categories, as well.

She’s a bit harder to spot unless you happen to see her hand over that fake ID to the bartender or bouncer, and happen to recognize the not-government-issued backdrop it uses. Some fake IDs are better and harder to spot, though, and most likely the one with the obviously-fake ID won’t even be let in the front door. She’ll probably be up at the bar, ordering “whatever you recommend” from the bartender, or sending her not-underage friend to go order from her. Avoid her at all costs. She is dishonest and impulsive and may get you arrested.

The Loiterer

This woman is at the bar with absolutely no interest in getting drunk or getting laid. She’s just there for the music, and perhaps the second-hand smoke (if she’s recently quit smoking). And, while there really is nothing wrong with that, it’s most likely a waste of time for you to try hitting on her, as she’s not likely to be responsive to it. She’s honestly there only to have a good time – unlike the Straight Girl, who’s there to soak up as much of the queer culture as she possibly can without being “sucked into it”.

You can recognize this woman because she will be drinking nothing but water or soda, and probably dancing on the dancefloor all by herself. She may or may not be surrounded by friends in various stages of drunken behavior or shameless flirting, but when you try to hit on her, she’s going to turn you down with a simple “No thank you” and no further explanation.

The Taken

There are many ways to spot a woman who’s taken at the bar. If she’s sitting in the seat directly next to another woman (or a man – let’s be clear that this is also a possibility), she’s probably with that person. If she’s wearing a ring on her “engagement ring” finger, she’s probably taken. If she’s obviously a stud, and she’s holding a purse… Well… She’s probably taken.

Let’s be clear: Some women are in an open relationship, and they may be at the bar together trying to find someone to go home with both of them. But you should never assume this is the case. If it is the case, and she is interested in you, she’ll make the first move – she’s well aware of how terrible of an idea it is to hit on someone who’s quite obviously in a relationship. And, if she’s not interested in a threesome, her girlfriend might kick your ass if you try.

The Babysitter

She might not be gay. She might not be straight. She’s probably not drunk. She’ll be seen taking care of her definitely-drunk friends, and trying to prevent them from going into the ladies’ room with that total stranger. She can also be seen trying to diffuse the bar fights that happen when her fall-down-drunk friend is trying to hit on the woman who is obviously there with her girlfriend.

Let me clarify something about the Babysitter, though: She is an incredible woman to date. But tonight is not the night. She’s at the bar tonight because her friends drug her out, and she felt guilty about saying no, or maybe she feels responsible for them. Either way, she has other responsibilities tonight, and she’s not going to go home with you. She’ll be too busy making sure her friends get home safely and don’t choke on their own vomit (or someone else’s fist).

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A Comprehensive Guide to Being Single At A Lesbian Bar

If you’re lucky enough to have a good lesbian bar in your area (or any lesbian bar, really), you’ll probably know that it’s pretty hit or miss. When you’re single, it seems like the entire scene is your oyster, so to speak. When you’re in a relationship (or just recently got out of one, and haven’t quite healed yet) it can seem like the last place on the planet you’ll want to hang out.

That’s probably because most of the (single) lesbians there are going to treat it like a free-for-all, and if you’re not looking to get picked up, well… That’s probably not going to stop anyone from trying.

It’s not all bad, though. In general, bars are meant for the single crowd, and while there’s no sign on the door that says “Couples Need Not Enter”, it’s fairly common knowledge that you don’t really go to the bar without your girlfriend unless you don’t have one – or unless you want another one. (As a side note, I don’t really recommend that second option unless your partner is totally cool with you having some side action – yes, you should definitely ask before you try it.)

Now, let’s talk to just the single women for a minute. Here are seven things that you may be forgetting when you go out looking for a girlfriend at the bar.

1. Not everyone at the bar wants to be hit on.

If you’re one of those weirdos (like myself) who go to the bar to find new friends, you’re in good company, statistically speaking. But if you are looking for someone to go home with you, you need to be respectful if someone shuts you down. Not everyone there is trying to get some. As long as you remember that, you should be relatively fine.

2. Don’t try to pick up on the drunk girls.

Many women use alcohol to (willingly) lower their inhibitions, but picking up on the woman who can’t even walk a straight line is entirely unethical, and probably not something she’d want if she was sober. Even if she’s voluntarily there for sex, once she’s drunk, that should be off the table. She won’t be able to enjoy it, she won’t be able to return the favor, and she might not even be able to remember in the morning. Don’t be that person.

3. Bathroom (or parking lot) sex is frowned upon.

Most of the time, public sex is a crime. I’m not saying that it never happens, or that I haven’t participated in it – but the restrooms are there for using the bathroom. Having sex in the bathroom stall is pretty rude to the other bar customers, especially if there are only a few stalls. When it comes to sex in your car, well… That’s a bit of a grey area… But you will be setting yourself up for embarrassing pictures to be taken of you by other bar patrons!

4. Don’t buy drinks for the designated driver.

This one should be pretty obvious, but… If someone is sipping on water or soda, chances are, it’s probably not because they’re cheap – it’s probably because they aren’t drinking. There are exceptions, of course, but most people go to the bar knowing full well that it’s going to be expensive to drink – very few women will go to the bar just hoping that they’ll get free drinks from someone else.

5. Accepting your drinks does not mean she has to accept your advances.

As someone who has been bought drinks by men at bars who I (wrongly) assumed were gay, and then had them make a pass at me… This one hits pretty close to home. Any implied meaning to her drinking that martini you just sent her way is not guaranteed and should not be treated as such. If you want to avoid this type of confusion, the answer is simple: Don’t buy drinks for women in bars. She is under no obligation to “repay” you for something you offered. (Although, if she specifically asks you to buy her a drink, and she’s not into you, it is a bit rude – but still doesn’t give you the right to make demands.)

6. Pick-up lines don’t usually work.

If you’ve spent the last few days searching for the perfect lines to use on your next outing, congratulations – but you should probably just throw them away. Most women won’t accept a pick-up line, especially if it’s one they’ve heard a million times… And, most likely, if you found it on the internet… She’s heard it. Save your time and speak from the heart, instead of from the script you came up with ahead of time.

7. Don’t worry so much about it.

Honestly, if you don’t successfully pick up someone at the bar, it’s really not the end of the world. (I promise.) Even if it seems like you’ve had a bad night if you go home alone, it’s really more important that you have a good time – so make sure you’re enjoying yourself, before anything else. The right woman will come around when she’s ready, and she’s probably not going to be drunk when it happens. (Stranger things have happened, though!)

Catch The First Episode Of Ellen Page’s ‘Gaycation’ Here (Video)

The first episode of Ellen Page‘s new show Gaycation, has just been release VICELAND.

In Gaycation, Pageand her best friend Ian McDaniel travel to different areas of the world to find out what it’s like to live there as an LGBT person, and how their culture perceives them.

In this first episode, Page and McDaniel visit Japan, where Page goes to a lesbian bar.

You can watch the official premiere of Gaycation on VICELAND Wednesday, March 2nd at 10PM.

13 Pitfalls Of Being Solo For The First Time At A Lesbian Bar

For many, going to a bar solo is akin to going to work in just our underwear: an embarrassing and painfully awkward experience.

But if you’re a solo-traveller who also happens to enjoy your adult beverages, frequenting bars without a date is a great skill to master.

1. You allow yourself to get emotionally attached to the first girl who looks in your direction.

2. You pull the “fake texting” move instead of striking up a conversation.

3. You overdo the coolness.

4. You get stuck in a conversation with the girl going through a “really tough breakup right now.”

5. For some crazy reason, you become totally intimidate by every women in there.

6. You’re a femme, but you felt the need to butch it up to get hit on.

7. You turn the conversation in an awkwardly sexual direction.

8. Your flirting enters into creepy territory.

9. You forget to smile.

10. You get way too drunk.

11. You accidentally insult the mixologist behind the bar, meaning you’re not getting served for the rest of night unless you leave a big tip.

12. You fail to send out those “single” vibes.

13. You over do the staring.

The whole situation is completely overwhelming. You don’t know whether to drunk-cry or just go home.

Best solution?

5 Lesbian Archetypes at the Gay Bar

Go into any gay bar and you’ll find different kinds of lesbian barflies. Here are just a handful:

Gay Bar Hater: She’d rather be at home watching TV, but her mates have dragged her out and she is having an awful time. Here body language is negative: she’ll be tutting, rolling her eyes and frowning. She’ll be trying to drink her Bacardi and Coke as fast as possible in order to start enjoying herself – not that that will happen as long as she’s in the gay bar.

Under-Rager: Before she gets barred for drinking too many shots, the under-rager would have had sex with the hot peroxide blonde in the toilet. Usually has a black X on each hand.

Plastic Dyke: Another common type, the plastic dyke likes to wear a bandana, tight trousers, studded belts and a blazer or bomber jacket. Her hair is fixed with various kinds of pomade and hairspray and she likes to pose as often as possible.

The Faux Straight: Her high heels and too-much make-up give off the signal that she might be too pretty to be gay, but appearances can be deceptive. In reality she can’t wait to be banged by the masculine gals and her eyes will wander in that direction while she sips her cocktail.

The Recent Convert: She’s just come to terms with who she really is sexually, but she’d very inexperienced. She’s enthusiastic enough but she has no clue about how to seduce a woman so every time she tries to subtly check out the talent, it is obvious to the whole bar what she’s up to. Having made the switch from straight to gay relationships, she sincerely hopes that every dalliance with a girl she has will be fulfilling, long-term and life-changing. How sweet and naïve!