Tag Archives: Lesbian Lifestyle

Could It Be Easier For Women To Be In Lesbian Relationships?

In 1992 Natalie Brierley fell in love with a woman for the first time while living in Australia. After two years of being together her visa expired and she had to return back to the UK, but was determined to get back to Australia as soon as possible.

Natalie said:

 I was full of the excitement of my relationship and naively expected everyone to share my joy as well as my antipodean shiraz. What I got instead was a wall. Little by little, I gave up on my Aussie dream and resumed my heterosexual life, admittedly with fervour. I met my very wonderful husband and lived a blissfully happy life with our four children, moving to France four years ago. I was, as my friends would say, living the dream.”

But then things changed again for her when she met Cecile, a married French woman who lived nearby.

I remember my first kiss with Cécile. It was exciting, forbidden, incredible. All the feelings typical of a love affair. But I also felt a sense of relief. Relief that she was there, that she felt the same way as me and that 20 years since my first and last encounter with a woman, it felt as if I was where I should be.”

Then two years ago Natalie heard that her former girlfriend in Australia had died and she decided to go back to Australia and visit her old friends.

 It took me two days to react and when I did I cried and cried until I decided that I needed to go back to the other side of the world to see the people who filled that very important period of my life. It was there that I realised that I was crying not just for the loss of my friend, but for the loss of me. As happy as I was with my husband, I wanted me back.”

Upon her return to France Natalie decided to leave her husband and be with Cecile, the woman she was deeply in love with and she was surprised to see how much easier it was this time around after the reaction she had from people in 1992.

we’ve been warmly accepted but we have, even in our tiny locale, paved the way for others. There is now one more lesbian couple in our town; two more women brave enough to follow their hearts. Two more people who feel comfortable enough to be themselves. We are just part of the increasing percentage of women in same-sex relationships.”

This same acceptance however did not come from all her family and friends. Cecile has three children and Natalie has four but the reaction from Natalie’s father was not good. He told her:

Gay, what a horrible use of a word that once had a more pleasant connotation. You should both apologise to your partners for the hurt you have caused and, though trust will take forever to earn, put the family back at the top of your list of priorities.”

Natalie explains that both her and Cecile’s children were really understanding when they found out their mum’s had fallen in love. She said that they didn’t bat an eyelid and didn’t question the fact they were both women at all. This also reminded Natalie how different things were this time around for her.

 Love has moved on since my last same-sex experience.”

Now Natalie and Cecile are looking forward to the future and she is clear that she doesn’t really want to label herself:

I try not to define myself. I still don’t know if I’m a lesbian or if Cécile is just a wonderful rencontre. And though I’m inclined to go with the former, I don’t really care. I am, we are, Cécile and I and our seven children, in its “proper” sense of the word, thoroughly gay!”

How To Handle 9 Common Relationship Speed Bumps Like A Grown Ass Woman

I love talking about growth in a relationship. There’s something magical about the transformations that you go through between your teenage years and adulthood. These changes don’t happen at exactly the same time for everyone, and for some people they never happen – I’m sure you can think of a few people who still act like kids, even well into their 30s and 40s. (I’m related to a few.)

What’s even more magical is the fact that, sometimes, the most mature people I know are the ones who are bad at relationships. There are things that make us mature in all other aspects of our lives – such as keeping our emotions to ourselves – that don’t necessarily mean we’re a grown ass woman in our relationships.

Curious about how to treat your relationship with the maturity it deserves? Just follow these 9 simple tips.


Scenario #1: Your partner is too busy to answer your calls.

Immature response: The immature partner may feel insecure if their partner isn’t able to respond right away. She may worry that her partner is cheating on her, or that she’s moving on without even saying goodbye.

Mature response: The grown ass woman understands that her girlfriend’s phone doesn’t live in her hand, and sometimes there are more important things going on. She knows that not every little thing is “a sign” of something bad, and she’s not going to raise a fuss without something a little more concrete.


Scenario #2: Your partner falls behind on her share of the housework.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend might keep score about who does the dishes more often, and who forgot to fold the clothes when it was their turn to do the laundry. She holds onto these things in order to bring them up at a later date.

Mature response: The grown ass woman tries to see things from her girlfriend’s perspective first. She takes time to calm down so that her anger doesn’t get the better of her. Finally, she forgives her partner and remembers that there are more important things in life than the cleaning.


Scenario #3: Your partner wants to spend some time with her friends.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend immediately gets suspicious. She feels that her partner is trying to get away from her, and she may try to tag along, or to convince her girlfriend to just stay home instead. She’s worried that her partner will cheat with her attractive friends.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows exactly why her girlfriend has attractive friends, and also knows that it’s not a threat to her. She knows that friends are absolutely vital to happiness and that her girlfriend, who is also a grown ass woman, doesn’t need a babysitter.


Scenario #4: Your sex life starts to slow down.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may assume that her partner is losing interest in her. Whether she’s getting it somewhere else, or she’s simply disinterested, doesn’t really matter – and the immature girlfriend refuses to ask anyway.

Mature response: A grown ass woman knows that sex isn’t always going to be the pinnacle of the relationship. She is, however, willing to negotiate when the mood doesn’t line up just right – such as giving her partner pleasure even when she’s not in the mood. (As long as her partner asks nicely, of course.)


Scenario #5: Your partner has an occasional bad attitude.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will take this bad attitude very personally, and may even react to it with anger. Best case scenario, she’ll dwell on it and worry about what it means for the relationship.

Mature response: A grown ass woman understands that nobody’s perfect. Sometimes, you’re on your period, or sick, or stressed out from work and/or school, but that doesn’t mean that you stop loving the person you love. Instead, the grown ass woman thanks her for putting up with her bad attitudes, too.


Scenario #6: You disagree about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may respond to differences with horror, anger, or insecurity. Differences are seen as polar, and are hard to work around. It seems like she’ll never find a partner she’s actually compatible with.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is flexible about the little things. She knows that she’s not always going to get her way, and that’s okay. She knows that differences are what make us human, and they’re worth celebrating – or, at the very least, respecting.


Scenario #7: Your partner needs time for herself.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend will see this “alone time” as an immediate and urgent threat to the relationship. She may feel abandoned or neglected, and she may even question whether the alone time is actually being spent alone.

Mature response: A grown ass woman encourages her girlfriend to find her own independence. She values her own privacy, so she respects her partner’s privacy, too. Most of all, she knows that arguing while you’re angry is one of the fastest ways to say something you regret, so she would never deny her partner the ability to reflect in private first.


Scenario #8: Your partner has strong feelings about something.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may be disinterested if her partner is having problems that don’t have anything to do with her. If the problem does have something to do with her, she may become defensive. Either way, this scenario is bound to be awkward.

Mature response: A grown ass woman listens to her girlfriend’s complaints without judgment or assumptions. Then, when her partner is done airing her complaints, the mature girlfriend offers support and, only if requested, advice.


Scenario #9: Your partner makes more money than you do.

Immature response: An immature girlfriend may feel jealous and insecure when her partner makes more money than her. Society teaches us that we need to be competitive with other women. When the “other woman” is someone you love, that competition gets really strange, really fast. I’ve known lesbians who have actually broken up with a woman because of income differences.

Mature response: A grown ass woman is inspired by other people’s success stories, and seeing her girlfriend succeed will motivate her to reach her own goals, too. She knows that her partner’s wins are also her wins, because they’re working to build an empire together – not just a way to pass the time.

17 Things You Should Probably Do More Often In Your Relationship

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships in my time in the dating scene, it’s definitely that there are few absolutes. You can date a ton of women who all love cats, and once you’ve collected a good assortment of cats from previous relationships, you’ll eventually end up with a woman who really doesn’t like them.

It’s pretty much like that with everything, too – we’re all different, and we’re all into different things. However, there are some general guidelines that pretty much cover any relationship, and talking about them can help keep things going on the right track.

Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about their problems until they’re already feeling the urge to walk away. This is so sad, because – at that point – it’s almost always too late. The good news is that, by simply talking about these standard expectations with your partner, you can set yourself up for happiness that may have been lacking from your previous relationships – and, you’ll fall into the habits that make good relationships great.

Curious to know what those general guidelines are? Whether you’re trying to maintain a happy relationship, or trying to help fix a troubled one, these 17 things are the biggest keys to your partner’s happiness with her. How many are you letting slip through the cracks?

1. Compliment her.

I know, I know. We’ve all got self-confidence, and self-confidence implies that you don’t need another person’s input to let you know your value. Still, you should compliment your girlfriend. Like, a lot. She deserves to hear that she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and kind.

2. Hang out with “couple friends”.

When we get into a relationship, we have a tendency to neglect our single friends. While we should make sure we’re not cutting them out of our lives (unless there’s a valid reason to do so), you’ll also want to hang out with other couples to do “couple things”. Double dates can be fun, and sometimes you can even get group discounts – score!

3. Remind her you care about her.

Most people want to feel cared about and appreciated in their relationships. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but trust me – those people need to be appreciated and cared about it, maybe even more than the rest of us. Remind your girlfriend how much she means to you, and she’s more likely to stick it out through your other mistakes. (Just remember, a good portion of “caring about her” is that you actually have to try to learn from your mistakes.)

4. Keep her secrets.

If I were to ask you if you respect your partner’s rights to privacy, I’m sure you’d say you do. But when’s the last time you talked about a fight you’d had with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend? When’s the last time you told your best friend about your sex life? All of these things are in direct conflict with your girlfriend’s private life staying private – so try to break the habit as soon as possible.

5. Watch romantic movies together.

Believe it or not, there’s actually an emotional benefit to watching those sappy, cheesy romantic movies. (Okay, maybe not the totally cheesy ones, but definitely the ones that sound interesting to you.) Then, after you’ve finished watching the movie, talk about what you watched! Did the relationship on screen make you think of your relationship, or of one you’d like to have? Why or why not?

6. Learn and grow together.

The happiest couples are the ones that take time to enrich their lives, both together and separately. Enroll in a cooking class, or take a trip out of town. Learning new things and having new experiences are paramount to a happy life, so why wouldn’t you want to share those things with your partner?

7. Talk about your day.

It might seem silly to talk about your day with your partner, especially if you already live together. But happy relationships thrive on both presence and storytelling, so your ability to relay the highs and lows of your day will bring you and your partner closer together. She wants to know what’s going on, but you’ll have to find the way that works best for the two of you.

8. Talk about the hard or embarrassing things, too.

Often, we feel tempted to leave out the things that we don’t want to talk about. Chances are pretty good that these are the real things your partner wants to know about, though – and your ability to discuss them will bring you even closer than all the small talk in the world ever could.

9. Focus on how we feel, as opposed to what she did (or didn’t do).

When we talk about problems in our relationship, it’s easier to lay the blame on someone else. But when you focus on what your partner did wrong, instead of how it made you feel, you’re setting yourself up for confrontation. Try phrasing your complaints as “I feel ____ because ____” and give your partner permission to respond the same way. This puts your emotions front and center, which makes it easier to keep them within your control.

10. Have fun with each other.

Couples who play around together are generally happier – but the type of play you do is up to you and your girlfriend. Some choose to play video games, others choose to play sports, and others like to get it all out with a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever works for you is the perfect play for you and your girlfriend – but first, you’ve got to discuss what it is.

11. Cook for each other, and with each other.

There’s something special about a home-cooked meal that will always be greater than going out to eat. However, most people don’t like feeling obligated to cook – so make sure you’re both giving it a go. Don’t just cook for her, either – every so often, make a date out of cooking dinner! Even if the recipe turns out terrible, at least you got to have fun in the process.

12. Encourage her.

It’s really easy to be a critic. We often criticize without even thinking, because people ought to know better than to take things personally. But she’s not “just being sensitive” if she’s upset by those criticisms – she needs to be encouraged, too. If all you do is put her down, even with the best of intentions, she’s not going to feel cared about and appreciated (and we already went over how important that is).

13. Compromise (without sacrificing).

Compromise is a particularly tricky area for most people. It’s hard to find the right balance between forcing our own way, versus giving up our autonomy completely. But if you want your relationship to last the long game, you’ll need to negotiate so that neither of you feels taken advantage of.

14. Cuddle with each other.

Even if you’re “not really a cuddler” (read: me, pre-2013), there are numerous psychological benefits attributed to cuddling with someone you care about. It boosts your overall mood, stimulates the production of oxytocin, and shows your partner you’re in it for the long haul. Aww.

15. Message her when you’re apart.

When you live with your partner, it can be really easy to dismiss that thing you wanted to tell her because you’ll see her in a few hours (or days) anyway. But why do we stop ourselves from sending those sweet “I was thinking about you” messages? They show her that she’s on your mind, even when she’s not in plain sight, and that’s something special.

16. Get fit together.

Most people could stand to get a little more exercise, but that same portion of people don’t really enjoy exercising. By drafting each other as your primary workout buddies, you increase your chances of following through with your goals – because you’ll both be actively engaged towards the same target, and can keep each other accountable. It might even make your workouts a little more fun!

17. Define yourselves (and your boundaries).

Finally, one of the things that can degrade a relationship over time is having too much closeness. I know, I’ve just spent the last however-long telling you about more things you need to do with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. You need to establish who you are separately, and define the things you’re uncomfortable with, separate from your partner – otherwise you’ll never truly understand how you work together.


[interaction id=”5736110813ce5dee22397ffc”]

Why Are Modern Marriages So Hard to Maintain?

In a recent post published on the Independent, couple’s therapist Esther Perel (you can check it here), shared some insight on why modern marriage is so hard.

Instead of who will we marry being dependent on arrangements previously made, or even on our partner’s wealth, we get married due to a much more urgent reason.

In today’s society, we see a new trend of marriage – the romantic model of marriage. We are getting hitched more and more due to love, which is great, BUT why is the divorce rate still increasing?

Perel has a simple yet insightful explanation and has claimed:

Marrying because you are deeply attracted to someone and have fallen deeply in love with someone (…) are rather recent ideas.” 

She also added that along with the traits desired in a partner in traditional marriage such as companionship, family life, status; modern values have simply been added up to the traits we look for in a partner nowadays. In modern marriage, passion, love and romance also play a big role in marital life and, as Perel simply puts it, “We simply added more requirements to the mix.”

This marital overload will also show its effects on the couple’s sex life:

I don’t do it [have sex] because it’s part of marital duty. I do it because I feel like it and you feel like it and we feel like it at the same time and hopefully for  each other.”

This much pressure on a partner to fulfil not only the traditional marital “duties” imposed by traditional marriage but also to fulfil all the other person’s needs eventually leads to disappointment.

But Perel offers some advice:

Instead, it’s worth being aware that you’re placing so many demands on your partner — and that they might be equally demanding of you.”

She also adds that instead of looking for our spouses as someone in charge of our personal fulfilment, we should look for other sources such as friends and hobbies.

Another suggestion was communication. If the couple can communicate what they would like their partner to do (or not to do), our expectations are readjusted to match not only our partner’s needs but also our own.

What are your thoughts about this topic? Is modern marriage harder? Do we demand more or do we just know what we are looking for? Let us know in the comments!

7 Little Understood Rules That Lesbians Have In Relationships.

So many people have preconceptions regarding lesbian relationships and many think that we don’t have rules like hetro couples simply because we are two women. Well, let’s inform the misinformed and tell them the top rules that many of us gals follow when we are in a relationship.


We don’t define by gender

It’s very strange how many people believe that two women in a relationship take on certain gender roles. Just because one of us may dress more feminine doesn’t mean to say we ‘keep house’ or if one of us has an outside job we ‘change lightbulbs and fix the car.’ There are no automatic gender roles and most women do things jointly or do the things they are stronger at. It’s that simple.


Not all lesbian couples are made up of one butch and one femme

This misconception must be the most common. People always tend to believe that one woman must be the ‘man’ in the relationship and the other the ‘woman.’ What a load of rubbish. Although there are couples that define as the butch and femme roles, many do not. Some lesbians do not identify as butch or femme and it’s just as common for two butches or two femmes to be a partnership.


Sex toys do not have to dominate in the bedroom

Yet another silly idea people have. It seems that unless we are using penetration with a sex toy we are not getting pleasure or having real sex. Using sex toys in the bedroom is something only the couple decide between them and one of our rules is to decide between the two of us whether we wish to use sex toys or not. Sex can be great with or without sex toys and many lesbians choose not to use them in the bedroom.


We don’t have to have sex every night

Just because we are two women together it doesn’t mean we have sex every night. Most women have sex because they feel like it and if they don’t feel like it they don’t have sex. Just because this could cause a problem in a heterosexual relationship does not mean we play by those rules and we have sex when we both want it, it’s that simple.


Because we are two women together doesn’t mean to say we are settling down

Why people assume that because two women are in a relationship it means they are going to settle down and be together forever is a bit strange. All relationships take time to make decisions like that and there is no rule stating that because we are together doesn’t mean to say we are making massive commitments until we both feel ready.


Cheating is still cheating

If you are in a relationship with someone the same rules apply as they do with all other couples. Cheating is cheating and unless we are in an open relationship most of us will not be happy of our boo cheats on us. Apparently some people think that if a lesbian cheats with a man that doesn’t count as cheating. Well it does.


Threesomes don’t come as standard

Participating in threesomes is not something many lesbians do. Of course some women might do so, but it’s something that can only be agreed between the couple. It comes down to the idea that women need a man to have sex. Well we are sorry to disappoint the men out there but we have good sex without male participation and we are not usually up for sharing ourselves with another person.

So hopefully the people out there that struggle to understand that lesbians also have rules in their relationships this little list can put them all straight.

How To Handle Being Someone’s Unrequited Love

The worst feeling in the world is when you realize that the person you love will never love you back. But it feels almost as bad to be the object of someone else’s affection, and to have to break her heart when you tell her that you just don’t feel the same.


Remember that it’s not your fault.

It’s hard to tell someone that you’re not interested, and you might blame yourself for hurting her – or she might blame you. But it’s not your fault. She is completely responsible for her own feelings, so as long as you weren’t deliberately leading her on for your own amusement, don’t feel guilty.


Be honest.

Your first instinct might be to spare her feelings with a white lie, but you need to be honest. Even if the truth hurts. Don’t lie and say that you have feelings too, because that will either give her false hope or shackle you to a relationship that you don’t want, which will be excruciatingly painful in the long run.


Be direct.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t give excuses for why you cannot reciprocate her affections. Don’t send mixed messages. Don’t tell her that your affections might change in the future. And if you don’t feel the same way about her, don’t tell her that you’ll think about it, because that will only draw out the pain.


Ask her what she needs next.

If this person is your close friend, maybe she wants to continue being friends as if nothing happened. On the opposite end, maybe she needs to take a break from your friendship. If she asks for space, give her space. If she needs to completely remove you from her life – unfollowing your social media accounts and deleting your number – don’t take offense. Respect what she needs.


Don’t take advantage of her.

It’s easy to unwittingly take advantage of someone after she admit that she likes you. After all, her crush is flattering. Don’t blur the line between friendship and romance by doing things that could be confused as having affections for her, such as asking her on one-on-one outings or buying her meals. Don’t send her pictures fishing for compliments, flirt with her for fun, or ask her for special favors. It might seem harmless on your end, but you’re playing her like a toy.


Respect her privacy.

It’s okay to tell a few trusted friends what happened. After all, you might need to process your emotions. But don’t tell every single person you know. Don’t post it to social media, and resist the urge to subtweet.

You might feel bad for not returning someone’s feelings, but as long as you handle the situation tactfully, everything will be okay!

7 Reasons You Keep Dating The Wrong Women

For a really long time, I thought it was strange that I didn’t have “a type”. Everyone I knew had a type, and they were adamant about what traits their boyfriends and girlfriends had to have in order to catch their attention.

Then there was me – significantly less picky, and open to whatever new experiences were thrown my way. I had some pretty rough break-ups, sure, but each one of them was a learning experience in its own right. (Even if I didn’t really want to learn the lesson at hand.)

Meanwhile, my friends kept ending up with people who were basically the same. They ran into the same type of relationship problems with every relationship, it seemed, and even though they were happy on average, their relationship troubles took a toll on them. It took them ages to move on from those failed relationships, and then they’d be right back in the same place a few months later.

What were they doing wrong – and how can you avoid falling into the same traps?


1. They only dated within their “type”.

Okay, so maybe my lack of a type was working in my favor here. When you limit yourself to a specific “type”, you’re limiting your overall options, and completely ignoring the fact that you might be totally wrong. Since the vast majority of lasting relationships come from unexpected connections, falling in love is a lot easier if you don’t have a type.


2. Their “type” was just like them.

It’s easy to date someone you have a lot in common with. It’s easier to be happy in those relationships. They’re comfortable right off the bat, because it feels like you’re dating an extension of yourself. But over time, having too much in common with someone can be really, really boring. You can’t teach each other anything, because you already know all the same things. Yikes.


3. Their “type” was nothing like them.

As bad as it is to date someone exactly like yourself, it’s also not a good idea to date someone who’s completely different from you. We’re naturally attracted to people who are/have/can do things we aren’t/don’t/can’t, but that attraction is only temporary. It doesn’t take long at all before your brain is telling you how annoying, immature, or stressful that person is, because you have no common ground.


4. Their “type” consisted of physical characteristics.

I think when we’re younger, it’s easier to find the appeal of someone who’s highly attractive on a physical level. In fact, that might be the thing that initially catches your attention. But designing a perfect partner who looks exactly like an image in your head is a disaster – it’s far too specific, and that person probably doesn’t even exist.


5. They didn’t know their core values.

It seems like understanding your core values would be entirely separate from your love life, but in all reality, they’re pretty close. If you don’t know who you really are, you don’t know what you really want – you just know what you think you want. (And, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re probably wrong.)


6. They weren’t looking for a girlfriend.

Instead, they were looking for a wife or a fling or a friendship that might blossom into something more.

Looking for a wifey-type puts the wrong emphasis on the relationship, because you’re more likely to form a bond with someone without actually getting to know them better first. Then, once it falls apart, it’s devastating – and you don’t really even know why.

When you look for a fling, you’re being too noncommittal, and you’re often unwilling to take the steps to get to know each other.

Those who look for the “special friendship” might have a better shot than the others, but it often requires setting false expectations and a dishonest approach – both of which are better to avoid.


7. They weren’t learning anything.

One of the most important things you can gain from a breakup is a new perspective on life, and on yourself. When you process the issues that came up during your breakup, you’re finding a more effective way to protect your heart from future players and jerks – without pre-emptively placing your future boo in a box.


[interaction id=”56fd3e285ac3fae67ab32585″]

The Lesbian Who Didn’t Fall For The Straight Girl

As a queer woman, I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard the “Lesbian falls for straight best friend” story. We have all heard it time and time again, and it seems to be a defining stepping stone; A sort of twisted angsty heart-break most queer women have lived through.

Except me.

I am in no way complaining though! It just seems odd to me how could I have missed such a fundamental step?

And it wasn’t until college that I truly understood why I didn’t fall for the straight girl. A reason so far-fetched and ludicrous that I second-guessed it for months before realising it was indeed a valid reason.

I love queer girls.

I love our culture, the fact that we probably watch the same tv-shows or listen to the same bands, or even the fact that we are crushing on the same celesbian!

And I guess that’s why straight girls never really got my baby dyke heart rushing. But guess what, it’s never too late, right? In the last couple years with lesbian culture becoming more and more mainstream, I found myself frequently asking myself “Do you have a crush on a straight girl or are you just thrown off by her shirt?” (what can I say, I could never resist a good flannel).

I guess the whole point of this very short confession is that it made me realise something, even as a teenager trying to figure out who I am.

Queer girls are beautiful. We are a vibrant, interesting community and I am so glad we have had our input in today’s society and pop-culture. At the end of the day, it also says a lot about one thing in particular: unlike the common stereotype, queer women have a kick-ass fashion style!

I mean, flannels are in, beanies, sneakers, snapbacks! Snapbacks! As a teenager, could I have predicted straight girls would wear snapbacks?! No! I am not in any way saying straight girls should act and dress a certain way, I am however saying that we were right all along.

So, what’s going to happen in the future? I am excited to find out, with or without a heart-break.


[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

18 Signs You’re In A Healthy Sexual Relationship

Are you and your girlfriend sexually compatible?

I know there might be a lot of debate on this topic, since no two people really have the same sexual needs and desires. There might be some overlap, but your specific interests are bound to differ. That’s just how things work.

But just because you and your partner don’t want the exact same things, doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have a healthy sex life. After all, compatibility is a lot more about compromising than it is about agreeing.

If you happen to notice these 18 things in your relationship(s), though, congratulations – you guys are doing it right.

1. Spending a few nights apart doesn’t mean your sex life is on pause.

Not when you’ve got dirty talking, naughty e-mails, and phone sex to hold you over. You two are comfortable enough with each other that you can talk each other through to an orgasm without the need to be face to face.

2. You know how to fix those boring spells.

I know, I know – no one wants to admit that their sex life gets a bit stale sometimes. But it does. For everyone. You know that doesn’t mean it’s over, though, and you quickly find a way to bring the spark back in – even if that just means opening the curtains while you’re getting busy.

3. You’re adventurous in life, too.

The two of you enjoy spending time together and sharing new experiences. You know that the more exciting your life outside of the bedroom is, the closer and more passionate you can be inside the bedroom. After all, sex is such a small part of our lives – why give it more credit than it deserves?

4. You have sex with the lights on, too.

Sure, not every time. But who can really be bothered to shut the lights off every single time? It’s much simpler for you two to just leave them on and follow your passions wherever they may go.

5. You tell her when you touch yourself.

Not only that, but you tell her how, and what you were thinking of when you did it (because, most likely, you were thinking of her anyway). You don’t share those stories with anyone else, because they’re sacred.

6. You talk about your past sexual experiences.

The two of you sit down and talk about the things you’ve done together in the past, and compare notes about what was most satisfying to whom. You love sharing your favorites, and you know they increase the chances of a repeat occurrence.

7. You make sure she’s satisfied.

You know that orgasming every time isn’t very likely, but you do check in periodically to make sure that your partner is satisfied, overall. You’d never judge each other for what is said during these talks, either.

8. You occasionally take one for the team.

Even if you’re not in the mood, you offer to pleasure your girlfriend instead. After all, giving her pleasure makes you happy – even if you’re not really feeling it. (But, of course, you’ve got to do it with enthusiasm, or it doesn’t count.)

9. You check out other people together.

You’re not threatened by who your partner looks at, and she’s not threatened by who you look at, because you both know where you’re going in the end. You can look all you want to, as long as you don’t touch (without asking).

10. You aren’t worried about her exes.

You know that what you have now is stronger than what they have now – and it doesn’t matter what they used to be. You are more current, and besides – you’re not in competition with this other woman. You know what you bring to the table and you’re confident you’ll keep bringing it.

11. You aren’t worried about her friends.

You’re not going to waste your time telling her she “can’t” be friends with certain people, unless they’re genuinely bad for her. You don’t care if they think she’s attractive because of course she is, but you know she’s not going to fall for their flattery.

12. If you do slip up and act jealous, your partner is flattered.

Hey, not all jealousy is based in insecurity, and your partner knows that it’s a good thing you got concerned. That means that you care about her and the instinct to protect your bond kicked in. Afterwards, she reassures you that you have nothing to worry about, and you two can laugh it off.

13. She brings you feelings of comfort.

When you watch a scary movie together, or you hear a creepy noise at night (anyone else live out on the countryside, or just me?), you reach for her, because she makes you feel safe. Even if she’s not exactly your knight in shining armor, she’s always there for you, and you trust her.

14. You can watch dirty movies together.

Whether you shot them yourselves or you rented them from the back room at the adult store, you can watch those movies together and picture each other in the positions on the screen. (And, of course, you know you’ll be trying those out later.)

15. You aren’t worried about how you look for sex.

You’re well aware that you’re not always a ten, but that doesn’t matter, because your partner likes having sex with you anyway. Whether you’re in a sexy costume or just sweat pants, your partner thinks you look incredible. (Besides, those clothes are about to come off anyway.)

16. You have pet names for each other in the bedroom.

Some people opt for the cutesy nicknames. Others like the hardcore humiliation names associated with bondage culture. Yet more people fall somewhere in between the two, with their own secret sex lingo. Maybe you’ve even come up with code words for your sexual activities that literally no one else understands. It doesn’t matter, though – it’s your own secret love language.

17. You’ve tried out some really weird positions.

In the spirit of expanding your horizons, you two have tried out some strange positions – either ones you read about here, or ones you tried to figure out from a porn, or maybe even something you made up yourself. Either way, your sex life isn’t complete until you’ve had one utterly failed sexual experiment – trust me.

18. You don’t mind the occasional fight.

You won’t run away from your problems, because what you have is too important to throw away. Maybe you even look forward to the fighting, because you know that there’s a solution right around the corner. No matter which it is for you, you know that make-up sex is basically the best thing ever, and it’s all yours just as soon as you work this out.

6 Simple Steps To Coming Out Later In Life

Coming out of the closet usually isn’t a one-step process; it takes a lot of self-discovery and planning to make sure everything goes smoothly. Of course, there’s never a guarantee that things are going to go smoothly, but women who come out later in life seem to have even more apprehensions.

It’s never easy to be the “late bloomer”. Humans are competitive by nature, so when someone else is seen further ahead of us, we become frustrated, and sometimes even depressed. When everyone else in our age group has already done the things we want to do, we start to feel like children (and that’s never fun). Truthfully, though, when it comes to coming out of the closet… You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. The process has already been well defined by every brave woman who’s gone before you.

Find your support group first.

I’m not necessarily talking about a therapy support group (although that might be the tribe for you). I’m just talking about a group of people who support you, and who you already know have favorable opinions of the queer community (or, at least their opinions aren’t negative). Ideally, at least a few of those people should be in the LGBT community, too – that way, you can benefit from their experiences and their advice.

Your support group is going to be filled with the people who it would be easy to come out to. In time, as you come out to people, you’ll get more people in your support group. This is a good thing. Make sure you don’t shut yourself off from your local LGBT community – you still have a lot to learn from other people who have been in similar situations. You can even practice your “coming out speech” with them, if you’re concerned with that.

Having a support group isn’t going to magically fix everything, but it makes it a lot easier when you have a solid foundation.

Be proud of yourself.

Coming out takes a lot of courage, no matter how old and life-experienced you are when it happens. In fact, in some ways it’s harder the further along in life you are, because people have had more time to form their expectations about you. But your simple act of reading this article shows that you are strong and confident about who you are – and that means so much more than the opinions and expectations of others.

Now, something that’s often hard to hear in life: You have to start before you’re ready. The truth is, you’ll never be ready, and if you keep waiting until you know everything there is to know first… Well, I’m sorry to say, but you never will know everything. It’s impossible.

Your journey has just begun, but that’s the hardest part.

Take things at a pace that works for you.

If you want to take things slow, take things slow. No one “needs” to know what you have to tell them, even if they think they “deserve” to know. You’re going to learn as you go. There really isn’t a definitive “how-to” guide out there because there are so many right ways to do things. There is no one-size-fits-all plan and no one really knows what they’re doing until after they’ve done it.

Likewise, though, if you want to take things quickly, take things quickly! Your confidence and courage is inspiring, and you shouldn’t let anyone else dull that fire. You aren’t coming out to make other people more at ease, so in all honesty it doesn’t really matter if you being gay makes them uncomfortable. We come out to put ourselves at ease and make ourselves more comfortable.

This is your journey, not theirs.

Be prepared for some uncomfortable conversations.

For some unknown reason, when someone comes out, other people see it as an open invitation to ask intrusive questions. Some people will even make off-handed remarks that can be really surprising, if you’ve never discussed those topics before. You can’t always predict who’s going to be an ally and who’s going to be a homophobe, but please try to judge whether or not it would be unsafe for you to come out before you do.

I strongly encourage you to practice some responses to the most common questions, like these thirteen or these ten things. However, it’s also important to realize that you don’t owe anyone an answer simply because they asked. You’re in charge of what information they know about you. (Oh, and try not to take the questions too personally – they’re usually coming from a harmless, ignorant place.)

When the questions start to dig too deep, a polite reminder about personal boundaries may be necessary.

You get to decide your boundaries.

You are not required to indulge in conversation with bigots – even if those bigots are related to you. When people start asking personal questions or making rude statements, it’s best to disarm them. This is one of the reasons we come out in the first place – so that others can’t use our orientation against us. (I mean, if it’s not a secret, they can’t spill the secret, right?)

If being out at work or around family is risky, it’s completely okay to keep your orientation secret within those groups. We make a big fuss about coming out, but no one has the right to know. You come out for yourself. You don’t have to know all the answers, and neither do they.

No one knows everything about everything, even you.

Don’t take it too seriously.

Lastly, don’t forget that your sexuality is – at most – just a piece of who you are. We’re a bunch of neurotic monkeys trying to act like we’ve got our shit together – and I don’t think I know a single person who stopped learning new things about themselves. Your “new thing” just happens to be that you’re into women – but that doesn’t mean that everything before it was fake. (Unless, of course, it was – but only you can figure that one out.)

For women who come out later in life, it’s hard to start putting your own needs first. You’re so used to taking care of others that you don’t really know how to take care of yourself. It’s my biggest wish for you that you don’t stop at just coming out of the closet – that you use this same type of courage to learn even more about yourself.

This is only the beginning – there is still so much wonder ahead of you.

7 Difficult Truths About Lesbian Relationships

It can be amazing waking up next to the person you love more than anything in the morning. There’s no feeling like it. But there are some things that women in lesbian relationships have to deal with that hetros don’t really experience and that can make things harder for us.


When you tell people about your partner and get asked ‘who is the man?’

I know, right? This has to be the most outright, idiotic question that we get asked. There is no man. Period. We’re both women, get it? Apparently it’s hard for some people to understand a relationship can actually happen without a man playing a part in it.


Men trying to pull you both.

It seems that lesbians are fair game to some drunken men and they will think nothing of trying to take you home with them in order to become a legend amongst his friends. Usually an embarrassing put down in front of his friends does the trick as he quickly goes from legend to laughing stock in a matter of seconds.


The dreaded ‘exclusive’ and ‘dating’ words.

These words can so often become the biggest passion killer in the early phase of a relationship when you both argue, cry and talk about what these words mean to you both. Plus, the conversations will continue until the rules are firmly established. It’s really exhausting and can kill some relationships before they even get a chance to blossom.


Talking.

Boy, don’t us lesbians just love to talk to each other constantly? We ask each other what we are feeling, thinking, doing and what we mean and what we want on a daily basis. Communication is a fantastic thing but lesbians do tend to take the communication a step too far sometimes when no words are actually needed and a kiss would suffice.


The Sex disappears.

In the beginning we can barely keep our hands off of each other and then slowly the sex starts to disappear. It could be for many reasons but then both women start to feel too embarrassed or nervous to initiate sex so then the sex becomes even less and so the cycle begins.


Trying to play cool.

Why do we do this? What’s wrong with just being open and telling our boo that we are really into her and simply ask if she feels the same way? But we don’t. Instead both try to play it cool so we don’t appear too keen. Before we know it we’ve played it so cool and she’s suddenly become an ice maiden and no longer returns your calls.


When public displays of affection make others stare at you.

This has got to be the worst thing ever. All we want to do is stroll down the street holding hands and maybe share a kiss or a cuddle on a park bench once in a while, so why do we end up feeling like an exhibition in a zoo as people stare or shout at us? Let us just be a normal couple like millions of other couples. After all, we don’t stare and gawp at hetro couples so why do they do it to us?


[interaction id=”56fd31ac82287b5830bfc8c4″]

Why Some Women In The LGBTQ Community Struggle Finding A Term For Their Identity

There are many terms around that we in the LGBTQ community use to identify ourselves with – lesbian being the most common one.

But what exactly does lesbian even mean? Well, the specific definition of a lesbian is a female-identifying person who is attracted romantically or sexually to —primarily and usually only — other female-identifying people. And that doesn’t really apply to all women in same sex relationships.

The term lesbian assumes that both parties are female gender and are only attracted to the female sex. That simply doesn’t apply to everyone.

For example, a bisexual woman currently in a same sex relationship may not want to call herself a lesbian, but calling herself bisexual while with a woman can assume that she also has other relationships with men. Which is not always the case. Other women who call themselves lesbians and are only attracted to other women and identify as having a female gender identity sometimes don’t like bisexual or pansexual women calling themselves Lesbians.

It’s strange how people also set up unwritten rules that one has to fall under in order to use that specific term.

Some women call themselves gay. But this was always predominantly a term used to identify a man who is attracted to another man and some women feel that using the term gay is a cover-up for declaring themselves lesbians. It would be interesting to know what gay men feel about women using the term gay to identify themselves with. Do they think it is a term that belongs to them and women shouldn’t really use it?

And what about queer? The term queer held many negative connotations for a long time but recently it has become a very popular term that women who do not identify as heterosexual seem happy to use, especially if they don’t feel they fit under another specific term such as lesbian.

Recently some women have even taken to using the term Sapphic, which derives from Saphho, a poet from Ancient Greek times who lived on the island of Lesbos and wrote poetry about her love for other women. Lesbian became a term after the island of Lesbos where women had same sex relationships.

Another recent term is WLW – women loving women – and originally it was commonly used for women in the black lesbian community but now seems to be used by many, regardless of skin colour. These terms seem quite acceptable as they do not define women in any other way, accept that they have an attraction to other women.

So the great debate continues. Labels very rarely cover everyone or can be used universally. Personally I think that women should be able to use any term they are comfortable with and all women should accept other women from the LGBTQ community regardless of what term they wish to use to identify themselves with.



[interaction id=”56e2ea47251215382ec24d7e”]

How Do You Know If She’s Gay?

Sussing out if that hot chick you’ve got your eye on is gay or not is not as difficult as it sounds. Sometimes it’s easy enough to tell. Like she’s sporting a rainbow tattoo or dresses in the kind of way that you just know she’s gay. But not all women wear their sexuality, as such. I’m always getting told I don’t look like a lesbian. I dress quite femme, wear make-up and have long hair. But so do many other lesbian’s, right? The same can be said for straight women that have short buzzcuts and dresses quite tomboyish. It doesn’t mean they are gay either.

That famous thing called our gaydar doesn’t always work, does it? In fact, I’m not even sure that all queers even have a gaydar. My girlfriend can never tell if a woman is a lez. If I introduce her to a new friend I’ve made and I ask her later if she thinks she’s a lesbian she gets it wrong nearly all the time, so much so that now she won’t play and even take a guess! My gaydar is not too bad on the whole, but, that could just be because I’m naturally flirty and I soon suss out if a woman is gay or not depending on whether she harmlessly flirts back or not. Straight women don’t usually flirt with lez’s as a rule. Well, unless they’ve had a few too many G & T’s and their curious side is taking over!

So how can you tell then? Well, believe it or not, there are some clues to look out for.


Trust your gut reaction

Sometimes our instincts just tell us if someone is gay or not. It’s not the same as a gaydar, where you can tell automatically, but if you are eying a woman up and smiling at her and she responds and your instinct is saying ‘she’s sooooo gay’ trust in it. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, OK, you could get knocked back and be so embarrassed you don’t want to leave the house again, but that’s not very likely if she’s eyeballing you back and your guts tells you she’s a lez. The next time this happens, just go for it.


But, don’t jump to conclusions

This is so important. As I mentioned before a femme looking woman isn’t necessarily straight and a butch looking woman isn’t necessarily gay.  If you automatically assume someone’s sexuality just by what they are wearing you could end up missing out on something great, so, go back to clue one and try some eye contact, a sexy smile and some good old flirting and see what happens.


Look how she reacts around men

A big indicator girls. Does she flirt around men, touch their hand or shoulder, laugh at their jokes, give girlie pouts when men are talking to her? If yes, she’s probably straight. Take it from a flirt extraordinaire, I never flirt with men in the same way I flirt with women. I have quite a few straight male friends and we have our own ‘type’ of friendly flirting between us, but that’s not how I flirt with women at all. So spend a bit of time watching how she behaves around men and women. If she flirts the same with both she could be bi. But if she doesn’t flirt at all with women but goes a bit giggly or doey eyed around men, she’s a hetro.


Ask her outright

Shock, horror, ASK her? Yep, ask her. It’s not as hard as it seems, honestly. You could simply ask her if she fancies going for a drink with you one night, or catching a movie together. Word it so it’s obvious that you are asking her on a date. Those kind of questions are not what we normally say when we make a new friend. Or you could simply ask her if she likes women. Most women won’t take offence at this in any way. In fact, a few weeks ago one of my friends asked a woman outright if she liked women and she replied ‘no, but I’m flattered you think I’m attractive.’ The worst thing that could happen is you make a straight woman’s day and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?


How Growing Up Affects Your Friendships

Friends hold an entirely unique place in the social hierarchy. Unlike our coworkers, our family members, or our classmates, we’re entirely in control of who gets a position. There’s no formal structure for how often you need to talk, or how long you have to know each other first, or anything – they’re entirely subject to choices and circumstances.

Since friendships are entirely voluntary, they’re easy to put on the back burner when other, more important commitments come up. We have to work. We have to spend time with our family. We have to pay attention to our partner. Our friends, on the other hand, will understand if we’re not there. Their circumstances change over time, too, and they know we’re thinking about them.

Quite simply put, we neglect them because we can. And it feels pretty messed up to put it like that.


Friendships are vital to your happiness, according to an overwhelming number of studies.

Like, for example, this study on how to be happy. Or this study on the source of youth happiness. Even this Time article about happiness points to “spending time with friends” as being the key to true happiness. They’re also good for heart health and depression, and although having friends isn’t a cure or an alternative to medical treatment, it can increase your chances of getting through the rough times.

Yet, still, we put them on the back burner.


Our expectations for our friends stay mostly the same.

According to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, all friendships demand the same three key elements. You want your friends to be someone you can talk to, someone you can depend on, and someone whose company you can enjoy. In most cases, “someone you can spend time with” isn’t considered a necessary quantifier. “The expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change.”

Basically, this means that your life is going to change, and your friendships are probably going to change, too, but you’re still going to want the same basic things – no matter where in life you are.


Young adulthood is the best time to form friendships.

Not only are young adults more secure in themselves, but they’ve also got the most time for social interaction, on average (especially for young adults who go to college). There are less responsibilities than there were in high school, and still less than there will be after college. Since they’re finally aware of what their core values may be, they’re more likely to seek out friendships with people who share those values.

Likewise, the relationships get more complex and meaningful, as our friends are there to help us discover those things that matter to us. We’ve stopped trying to impress each other, and instead we’re focused on the person we can be. Statistically speaking, from the age of 20-24 years old, people will spend more time with their friends than at any other point in their lives. Our friends during this time will help us figure out who we really are – a desire that’s only deepened since graduation.


Then, at some point in our 20s, we develop a desire for freedom.

According to Rawlins, we start to develop a dual-edged desire for freedom. We want the freedom to be independent of our friends, our family, and our romantic partners. Yet, at the same time, we want freedom to lean on them when we need to. We move away from the people who mean so much to us, and then we try to keep the relationship alive across the distance (whether that relationship was romantic or platonic).

It may be the first time you live alone, and you need to get a “real job” to help pay for it. You can’t get by with part-time anymore. You tell your good friends about this new opportunity, and you wait for them to bless the opportunity, in a way.

“She’s essentially saying, ‘You’re free to go. Go there, do that, but if you need me I’ll be here for you,’” Rawlins explains. This is what we’re waiting for, every time – that permission to move on with our lives, without any hard feelings. Sometimes, it’s simply implied – we don’t have to ask our best friend for everything. After a while, we stop asking at all.


It gets easier to put off our friends.

In the second half of your 20s, and for a few decades after that, our friendships become a lot less of a priority. Work and family take a priority, and our friendships and personal hobbies start to fade into the background. The largest dropping-off period in your entire life happens right after you get married – isn’t that sad?

We no longer have time to spend with the “optional” people in our lives, because we’re too busy with the things that are “mandatory”. If a friend doesn’t happen to fall within our day-to-day routine, chances are slim that we’ll keep nurturing that friendship. However, our friendships with the other parents at our kids’ school, our coworkers, and that girl you run into at the coffee shop every week stay just a bit stronger, because we get to see these people on a more regular basis.


There are different types of friends.

When it comes to making friends, there are generally three different types of people, says Rawlins. Independent people, by nature, make friends easily throughout their day-to-day lives. They don’t have as many deep connections, but they are able to make a friendly acquaintance anytime they go places. They are usually outgoing.

Discerning people, on the other hand, don’t make friends as easily as independent people – but they form a much stronger bond with the friends they do make. They form long-term friendships that last well into adulthood, and they’d rather keep in touch with those friends than go out of their way to make new ones. Their bond is so strong that, if something were to happen to one of those long-term friendships, their social outlook would be devastated.

Rawlins says that the most flexible type of people are acquisitive. These people are able to keep in touch with their old friends, while also being able to make new friends. They may lean more one way or the other, but they tend to have more friends overall.

There are also different types of friendships, according to Rawlins. He says that a friendship can be defined as either active, dormant, or commemorative. Try to take a look at your personal friends list (not necessarily the one you keep on social media) and see which you can identify:

  • Active friendships are ones where the parties involved stay in touch regularly. They can offer each other emotional support, as well as asking for it, without things being weird. To some extent, they know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
  • Dormant friendships are built on history, but they may not have been nurtured in a while. You still consider this person a friend, even though you haven’t spoken to them in a while. If they suddenly called and asked you to meet up, you’d happily accept the offer and catch up as if no time had passed.
  • Commemorative friendships are merely a representation of a particular time in your life. These friendships are built on nostalgia, but you don’t really expect to talk with each other. If they messaged you out of the blue, things may be weird, because you’re not the same person you were when they were important to you – but you don’t want to let go of the memories, which you feel are attached to the friendship itself.

Social media keeps friendships alive, but only mechanically.

According to Rawlins, those commemorative friendships tend to be the people we add on social media, even though we really don’t care how their life is going. We have our mental image of them, and their social media posts showing that they’re someone else now “dilutes the magic” of their memory.

They’ve changed, and the person they are now is in competition with your mental association with them. Rawlins says that these friendships are best to let go of, because the basis of the friendship has already gone – at this point, you’re really just keeping tabs on one another.

For the dormant friendships, it lets us “be there for each other” without actually being there. We feel as if we’re just a few clicks away, and at a moment’s notice, we can exchange a few stories and build our relationships. Friendships based on storytelling aren’t necessarily bad, either – but they are a different type of friendship than those built on shared experiences.

Social media lets us distribute our attention evenly to all three types of friendships, as we interact with each other. Suddenly, the girl you took 7th grade Spanish class with, your ex-girlfriend, and your lifelong BFF all get the same amount of attention, and the same amount of insight into your life.

Since we’re “broadcasting” and “interacting”, instead of “sharing” and “listening,” it’s hard to maintain a satisfying relationship with just an online presence. We resist the human urge to get to know each other better, because we feel that everything we need to know is laid out right in front of us. We start to let go.


We stop relying on each other so much.

As time goes on, your longer-term friendships don’t need as much nurturing, because they’re already well-developed. We don’t need our friends as much, because we have other people in our lives who fill the voids. We have relaxed expectations from our friends, because we know that they’re still there for us, no matter what. The relationship takes a new turn as it becomes deeper than it was before.

Almost like magic, our friendships are now based on mutual understanding and agreement. You know that you’re there for each other in every way you can be – you don’t feel the need to say it. Your time spent together is great, but it’s more important to find a way to be there for each other that works for you.

(And, thankfully, it all balances out in the end. The friendships that last until you’re in retirement will be rewarded with all sorts of new time to spend together – and so many stories to catch up on!)

Everything You Don’t Know About Emotional Intelligence

Readers, I’ve got a bit of a confession: I didn’t really learn the greatest social skills as a kid. I was totally awkward, and I hung out with the same 3 or 4 kids all the time, because I didn’t really “get” the other kids. For a while I even self-diagnosed myself as autistic, before I realized how ridiculous that really was, coming from my pre-pubescent brain.

The truth is that I just wasn’t set up to be emotionally intelligent – my parents (and the schools) cared more about giving me the standard education that is sadly lacking in emotional skills. Unfortunately, it’s all too common of an occurrence, and if you don’t learn it early in life, your adult years can get really hard, really fast.

(As a side note, I’m not really sure if this is an epidemic in my generation, or if it just comes with the territory of being a younger human. I don’t really think I’ve been on the planet long enough to make that decision.)

If you’d like to get ahead of the curve and start learning about your own emotional intelligence (and how to improve it!), keep reading – we’re outlining the five key areas of the “mixed model”, as outlined by psychologist Daniel Goleman.

Key Area #1: Self-awareness.

One of the earliest steps in learning to improve your emotional intelligence is developing better self-awareness. Simply put, self-awareness is your ability to identify your own feelings, emotions, and capabilities. Self-awareness involves understanding when you need help, as opposed to when you can be self-reliant. Lastly, self-awareness means that you know your emotional triggers (regardless of whether you can control your response to them).

Thankfully, your self-awareness isn’t really that hard to cultivate. Start by keeping a journal of your emotions as they occur to you. I’m quite fond of the bullet journal method myself, but you may have a different method that works better for you. The specific method isn’t important – only the awareness.

You should also seek input from other people who know you well, because they may be able to tell you things you can’t see on your own. You might think you know yourself better than other people know you – and you’re probably right! – but still, hear them out. They have a different perspective, and if nothing else, will be able to confirm the things you’ve already discovered, and help you understand the way your actions come across to others.

Another common method of increasing your self-awareness is through meditation and mindfulness practice. I’ve actually just recently started meditating, and I can’t even tell you how much of a difference it’s made with my baseline stress and frustration methods – and it’s helping teach me how to process distractions a lot better, too. I’m telling you… It’s amazing.

Key Area #2: Self-management.

Now that we’ve dealt with your emotions, self-management describes your choice to keep those emotions from becoming disruptive. Believe it or not, we all have the ability to manage our emotions, but not everyone sticks with it long enough to make it work. Certain mental health conditions can make self-management more difficult, and in some cases maybe even impossible. In these cases, it’s best to speak with your doctor about adjusting your treatment plan as necessary.

One of the easiest ways to learn to control your emotional outbursts is to give yourself a physical shock. Pushing yourself to exercise, or giving yourself a little slap (see example) can work wonders, but not everyone is able to fully distract themselves in order to give the shock (and don’t have Cher nearby to do it for them). Don’t worry if you don’t think you’re ready for that yet – you can start by just repurposing your energy.

Most of the time, when we’re tempted to have an emotional response to something, the reasons we’re actually upset are going to tell us what we need to do to fix the problem. For example, if you’re mad that you keep losing your softball games, the productive solution would be to practice more. But first, you need to understand your own emotions – so, if you’re not ready for that yet, go back to Key Area #1 and brush up a little more.

Key Area #3: Motivation.

Motivation, by itself, is such a blanket term. Literally everyone is motivated by something. But, in Goleman’s model, “motivation” is used to mean self-motivation. People who are good at self-motivating like to do things for the joy of it, or simply because they were curious what would happen. They are motivated by the feeling of productivity, rather than the results of that productivity. Simply put, they have an inner drive.

Now, I’m going to level with you here. When I first started learning about self-motivation, I thought it was a bunch of garbage pushed to sell self-help books. After all, it’s in literally every self-help book I’ve ever read – even the very-industry-specific ones. However, once I started processing my own motivations and the things I wanted to get out of life, I understood that the things that motivate you are really just as important (if not more important) than the things you get out of a particular experience. And, it actually activates unique areas of your prefrontal cortex, which means that your motivation muscles get stronger over time.

To improve what motivates you, personally, you’ll need to do a personal inventory of your values. Your answers are going to be different than mine, different than your girlfriends, and probably completely different from everyone else’s on the planet. There are a few different methods you can use to figure out your own values, passions, and strengths – you’ll need to find the one that works best for you.

For me, a Passion Planner offers the perfect balance between my “need-to-do’s” and my “want-to-do’s”. While I understand that not everyone is a planner person, I would literally be lost without mine. (No, seriously – at any given time, there’s at least one sticky note in there with an address I need to GPS.) There’s no single system that works perfectly for everyone, though, so make sure you shop around before investing all your money in one.

The most important thing about evaluating your motivations and the person you want to become is that you need to start small. All too often, we find something that inspires or interests us, and we dive in head-first. This would be great, if humans weren’t easily overwhelmed. It’s a lot easier to start with small goals, so you build up your self-confidence (and self-awareness!) before moving onto more difficult tasks.

Key Area #4: Empathy.

We’ve dealt with pretty much everything that helps you from the inside – but empathy is about how you relate to others. Empaths are able to read the emotions of others, and process them before giving their response. This helps prevent conflict, because the person practicing empathy is taking the other person’s side of things into consideration before they say things, rather than after. You do need to have a pretty solid understanding of how human emotions work first, which is why we recommend starting with your own emotions.

Once you’ve mastered your own emotions, it’s time to shut the hell up and listen to people. The person’s position in life, relative to you or to anyone else, shouldn’t make a difference – everyone deserves respect and your judgments are most likely arbitrary. This is something that empathy will teach you over time, but until it sinks in, you’ll need to fake it.

Before you respond to someone else’s conflict, try to picture things from their perspective. Ask yourself if you’d still see it as a criticism if you were the one saying it instead of the one hearing it. Try to have a mental argument against yourself, to get a better grasp on why the other person feels the way they feel. In time, it’ll become second-nature, as long as you nurture it early on.

In order to develop your empathy, you’ll need to actually understand, and not just “know”. Catch yourself when you say the phrase “I know, but…” as this is almost always an indication that you don’t actually know what the other person is saying to you. Ask questions if you need something clarified, and do your best to treat everyone with an equal amount of respect – including yourself.

Key Area #5: Social Skills.

The final area is filled with the blanket term “social skills”. Social skills are the practical application of empathy, and included are such skills as negotiating, compromise, charm, persuasion, and conflict mediation. Since it’s such a broad group, there are a nearly-infinite number of ways to improve. Additionally, improving your other emotional intelligence areas will naturally increase your social skills, which sets you up for all the right perks in life.

Once we start looking into social skills, it’s not hard to see how your emotional intelligence pretty much determines how much success the rest of your life is going to see. It factors into all of your interpersonal relationships, including romantic, friendly, and even networking opportunities. Hopefully, now that you’ve seen how important it really is, you can start to consciously practice whenever the opportunity presents itself.

If you’re looking for just a slight leg up over the competition, there are some conscious improvements you can make to your social skills. Start by learning to identify your emotions before you deal with them. Then, once you’ve recognized the emotional trigger, find a way to relieve the negative feelings before you attempt a solution. In some cases, the emotion itself was the entire problem – in which case, congrats – you’re done with that conflict!

However, if calming down didn’t fully tackle the problem, you’ll need to be sure that you and the other person (or people) involved can agree on what the bigger problem really is. Make sure you offer mutually beneficial solutions – everyone loves a win-win situation, after all. (That’s literally what a win-win situation is.) Finally, whether you’re able to reach a fair compromise or not, be sure to end on a cooperative note. Let the other party or parties know that you’re working toward the same goals.

Why are social skills so important? Humans in general are predisposed to emotional outbursts – even when it’s against our best interest. (Spoiler alert: It’s almost always against our own interest.) But differences of opinion are often minor and only serve as distractions from your bigger goals in life. Ask yourself if you’ll remember this in five years, or even two weeks. If the answer to either is “no”, then it’s not an important issue now, either.

6 Signs Your Relationship Is Already Over

Don’t you wish there was some simple way to tell if someone was bad news on the first date, instead of having to wait for them to screw things up royally? Well, most likely, those signs were there, but you ignored them because you didn’t want to judge the other person “unfairly”. Sadly, all that happens when you ignore these red flags is… Well, you end up being the one treated badly. Things aren’t always as they seem… But sometimes, they’re exactly like they seem.


#1: She won’t make any concrete plans with you.

So, you might know that I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to planning. I like to have a plan (and a back-up plan) for pretty much everything. I know not everyone gets as “into” planning as I do, and that’s perfectly fine. But there’s a difference between “not being a planner” and “never planning dates ahead of time”.

If she’s always calling you at the last minute, or flaking on the plans she does make, she’s probably not really in it. Stuff happens sometimes. But the more you let it happen, the more it’s going to happen. If she also expects you to drop everything for her, while she refuses to make you a priority, you’re not her girlfriend – you’re her back-up plan.


#2: She talks shit about her exes.

We’ve all been through some stories in our relationships, I’m sure. I know I’ve had my fair share of drama, trauma, and even all-out insanity. But well-adjusted people don’t live in the past, whether it’s good or bad. They have processed the information, learned from it, and moved on with their lives. If your girlfriend is still hanging onto those old memories, she might not be over her ex, or the damage done.

From another perspective, think about how you’d feel if you were in her ex’s position. (Because, statistically speaking, you’re probably going to break up anyway.) Would you feel comfortable if she gave that type of information about you to someone she had just started dating? If the answer is no, it’s better to get out before she gets that information on you in the first place.


#3: You make jokes at your own expense.

Making disparaging remarks never really has a good place in a relationship, but when you’re making those remarks about yourself, things get extra complicated. Women try this because they’ve heard that humility is sexy, and it definitely can be. But it’s important to note the differences between being humble and being self-deprecating.

When you make a habit of disrespecting yourself, over time, you teach your partner that she doesn’t have to respect you, either. After all, we’re supposed to treat ourselves better than everyone else does, and even if you’re used to being stuck on the back burner, you don’t want to tell your partner you have no value. Even the most well-intended girlfriend can start to get disrespectful if you teach her that’s what you think you deserve.


#4: You always have to make the first move.

Listen… I understand that some women are just not that talkative. In fact, studies have actually shown that women don’t generally talk as much as we say they do. But if you’re always the one to send the first text, or the one to do the calling, you might want to start paying attention. You deserve to get a reasonable amount of effort, too.

I know it can be hard to assert your need for attention without sounding clingy. And, it can even seem petty – particularly if your partner has led you to believe you’re being petty. But the reality is that you are allowed to expect attention. You don’t have to keep a running tally to keep things exactly even, but if things are starting to get a bit one-sided, bring it up – or get ready to start packing.


#5: You don’t feel like a partner.

While we’re talking about things being one-sided, it’s important that you realize this translates to other areas of the relationship, too. Both partners need to be well invested before making any long-term commitments. Feel free to ask as many questions as you need to make sure your needs are being met.

Let’s look at this one a different way. Relationships are, basically, a business arrangement. Would you want to give up your 50% to a partner who wasn’t pulling their weight, or who you didn’t really know too well? Most likely, you wouldn’t – so don’t subject your (irreplaceable) heart to worse fates than your (replaceable) income.


#6: Your intuition is going haywire.

When our intuition starts acting up, it’s easy to write it off as being “our insecurities” and “our anxieties”. It’s easy to write them off, because we know they’re illogical… Right? But when someone is showing you signs that they’re not worth the time you’ve put into them, repeatedly, there’s a chance that you’re not just imagining things.

Our anxieties and insecurities, at their core, are designed to alert us of danger. Those insecurities aren’t always baseless, especially if your partner is relentlessly trying to convince you to ignore them. (Chances are good that her defensiveness is a clue in itself.) Your anxiety might not always be accurate, but it’s worth investigating – just in case it’s not all in your head.


[interaction id=”577a467ceaef76d524435681″]

Fall Date Ideas For You And Your Girlfriend

Make your own pumpkin spice latte.

You could spend $5 at Starbucks, or you could brew a homemade, extra creamy pumpkin spice latte at home.

  1. In the fall, many grocery stores carry pumpkin spice teas. If it’s not on the shelves yet, order it from Amazon.
  2. Heat four cups of whole milk on the stove. When the milk begins to boil, turn off the stove and pour two steaming mugs of milk.
  3. Place one tea bag in each mug, and let it steep for 2-4 minutes. The milk will turn brown-orange.
  4. Stir in sugar to taste. For an extra kick of flavor, add whipped cream or chocolate chips.
  5. Enjoy!

Thrift for scarves.

The best part of thrift-shopping is finding unexpected treasures, and the best part of fall is bundling up in heavy scarves – combine the two to stay warm and fashionable! You get bonus points for finding a matching hat and gloves.


Knit your own socks.

Knitting may look like a complicated process of weaving and knotting, but it’s much easier than it looks (and some people say crochet is even easier than that). You and your girlfriend can snuggle up while learning to knit. You’ll get the hang of it in no time.

Yarn is super cheap, so experiment with bundles of different colors; you can buy rainbow yarn, ombré yarn, pattered yarn, blanket yarn, camel yarn, cobbler-colored yarn and even yarn that looks like an Istanbul mosaic.

Knitting a pair of socks may take up to a month, but if you’d rather crochet, that only takes a few hours.


Become a tea connoisseur.

Plain black tea gets boring fast. Have you tried honey lavender? Or ambrosia plum? Spiced apple chai is great with a dollop of honey and an extra sprinkle of cinnamon.

Buy a tea sampler of selections from around the world. Learn to brew Chinese tea the traditional way, savor the rooibos teas that are popular in South Africa, and make traditional Moroccan mint tea after dinner. If you buy a French press, you can make loose leaf teas and Argentinian mate.


Take a break at the beach.

This might seem counterintuitive – shouldn’t you celebrate autumn by leaping headfirst into a pile of leaves?

Yes. But after you’re done jumping in leaves, savor the last bits of summer by making a sandcastle. Head down to the coast with your girlfriend and several friends, and crack a cold drink while soaking up the sunshine. Split a plate of chili cheese fries. Wade in shirtless. You’ll be the only ones in your city with a September tan.

And afterward, go make yourself some pumpkin spice lattes.

What’s The Right Way To Be Gay?

I was the face of my college’s LGBT Center.

As the student staff member, I organized pride parties, movie screenings and discussion groups. The same crowd came to every event: feminine lesbians with long blonde hair and quirky t-shirts, gay men so attractive they looked could model for GQ, a few girls who looked like Ellen Page, and the occasional grad student who hogged the cheese plate. I knew everyone by face and name.

But one night, the crowd changed. When I showed up to Trans Day of Remembrance, I didn’t recognize anyone there.

The usual Abercrombie-like crowd had been replaced by queer people who never came to the LGBT Center. A girl in a wheelchair sat near the front. A few transgender students chatted with a staff member. Genderqueer students flashed their painted nails and smoothed out their dresses. A stud ran a hand over her shaved head. Most but not all of the students were people of color, and a mixture of English and Spanish and Chinese filled the air.

I approached a butch woman who was eyeing the cheese plate, and I said, “I’ve never seen you here before.”

“I’ve never come before.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too…”

She waved her hand around the room without saying anything. The walls were covered with framed photographs of the Center’s usual clientele, those grinning, cisgender, affluent students who differed so drastically from the crowd that was gathered. Trans Day of Remembrance is one of the few events dedicated to mourning victims of transphobic violence, many of whom are poor and non-white and marginalized. Every other day of the year, the Center was more dedicated to throwing L-Word Watch Parties than fighting homophobic systems of oppression on campus.

I invited her and her friends to some upcoming events, but they never came. And I, as a queer woman of color, began to question my own complicity; I’d worked at the LGBT Center all year without questioning whether we were really serving the students.

Months later, the LGBT Center finally started special discussion groups for transgender students, disabled students, asexual students and students of color. The changes were incremental, but they happened – finally, it became a safe space where all students were welcome.

It’s so easy to take safe spaces for granted if you’re able-bodied, cisgender or affluent. As an LGBT woman, you might not be welcomed into certain heterosexual spaces (and I’m not discounting that) but are you making LGBT spaces welcoming and affirming for all members of the community? Or are you accidentally making people feel unsafe? One of the most important things you can do is to check your microaggressions.


Dear transgender people, nonbinary people, people of color, disabled people, intersex people – to any lesbian who doesn’t fit the bill for what a lesbian “should” look like – to any queer woman who doesn’t look like Portia de Rossi – I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the safe spaces that weren’t safe for you. I’m sorry for all of the LGBT spaces you’ve been locked out of. I’m sorry when you’re afraid to enter certain spaces because you know you’ll be ostracized, patronized or expected to conform.


The beauty of being queer is that we don’t have to look like just one thing. As a community, we need to embrace that diversity and welcome a wide range of people into LGBT spaces.

The Most Common Lesbian Stereotypes – And Why They’re Ridiculous

Over the ten years since I came out of the closet (and for a few years before then), I think I’ve heard pretty much every lesbian stereotype out there. Between the crazy idea that we all play softball (well, I did for exactly one season – wasn’t for me), the audacious notion that we all hate men (I’m still learning how to have female friends, actually), and even the seemingly-harmless idea that you can predict someone else’s sexuality before they officially come out to you…

Just like any other stereotypes, though, just because you’ve heard it, and even seen it confirmed once or twice, does not mean that it applies to everyone. Here are some of the most ridiculous lesbian stereotypes I know. How many did you believe?


Myth: Being a lesbian is really all about men.

For some reason, most people assume that lesbians are lesbians because of a man, or that the right man would magically “fix” their lesbianism. While these types of comments are usually delivered with noble intentions, they miss the mark – by a long shot.

“Lesbians are victims of physical or sexual abuse by a man.”

While this one is sometimes true, it’s important to note that women are statistically at-risk for physical and sexual abuse by a partner or family member, regardless of the way they identify. It’s also not possible to consciously change your sexual identity – otherwise, there would be a lot more lesbians out there. (I’m joking, of course.)

“Lesbians hate men.”

Again, I can’t really speak for everyone here, but I’ve never been a man-hater. I’ve never been a person-hater. In fact, I have a really hard time hating anything – and I know I’m not alone. That being said, literally every lesbian I personally know has men in her life who she cares deeply about. (She just doesn’t want to have sex with those men.)

“There has to be a butch and a femme, because you need a man and a woman.”

For starters, the idea that butch women are men or want to be men or seek to act like men is completely unfounded. In fact, I think the terminology you’re looking for is “trans man”, not “butch lesbian”. It’s also scientifically proven that there aren’t really any major differences between men and women, besides biological and social.

“You just haven’t been with the right guy yet.”

This one is usually considered the most offensive of the male-based stereotypes, because it implies that “the right guy” could magically “fix” the dreaded lesbianism. You see how that might be taken just a little bit negatively? Many women thoroughly experiment with their sexuality before definitively coming out, and your arbitrary decision that her identity is wrong is deplorable.


Myth: Sex toys define our sexual identities.

Despite the fact that there are no absolutes when it comes to sex toys (or sexual identities), people still feel the need to guess at the sex lives of others. There are assumptions made about a deeply personal matter – what goes on in the privacy of one’s bedroom – and often, those assumptions are way off.

“Lesbians use dildos because they secretly miss penises.”

First of all, a dildo is not a penis. (Most) men don’t have to pay for their penises, and (most) men don’t have the luxury of choosing the size, shape, color, and material that their penis is made out of. What might be even more of a surprise is that not all lesbians even use dildos. (Oh, and then there’s the fact that straight women in relationships with men use them, too… But we’re not going to go into that one today.)

“If she was really a lesbian, she wouldn’t use sex toys.”

Admittedly, I believed this one for a long time. I resented any lesbians I knew who used any sort of toy. I felt that, somehow, it meant she was “less gay”. And then… I tried sex with sex toys. Let me tell you… My experience using sex toys with women is vastly different than my experience sleeping with men was. Amazingly enough, your attraction to the person doing things to you means a hell of a lot more than what they’re using to stimulate you.

“It doesn’t count as real sex unless…”

No, stop right there. “What counts as sex” is a deeply personal decision, but most women agree that sex is a lot more than just penetration, or just orgasms, or just any one particular thing. In the grand scheme of things, no one’s “sex” should be limited to one particular activity. Can you imagine how boring that must be after a couple of months?


Myth: Lesbians’ sex lives are boring (or super wild).

And, on that note, there’s this big thing about lesbians having boring sex lives. Or, if it’s not that one, it’ll be the idea that lesbians stop talking to their friends because they’re too busy having sex 24/7. But, for me personally, this has never been the case. Sure, we go through ebbs and flows – but doesn’t everyone?

“Lesbian bed death is unavoidable and usually means the end of the relationship.”

Well, in any long-term relationship, things are bound to get stale from time to time. That doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to each other anymore, either – it just means that, at that point in your relationship, there are more important things to worry about. Usually, this comes and goes – just like in any other long-term relationship. I’m not really sure why people think that all lesbians (and only lesbians) face this, or why it’s seen as such a big deal.

“I bet you’re looking for a threesome.”

I’m not even sure exactly where to start with this one. Most women who identify as lesbians have no real interest in having a sexual relationship with a man, and a lot of lesbians won’t even have sex with bisexual women in the first place. Plus, what makes you think we’re not monogamous? Sure, some of us aren’t… But that doesn’t mean that none of us are committed to our partners.

“I bet you guys have sex like, all the time.”

For some of us, that might be true. I’ve been with women whose sex drives were totally through the roof. For a brief period of time during my young-adult life, I was pretty sex-crazed, too. But, just like with straight women, we’re not always in the mood. (Although, science has shown that lesbians have more orgasms.)

“All lesbians are amazing in bed.”

I think this one started off from within the lesbian community – and, quite frankly, I’ve been with a few women who proved that sexual prowess is not universal. What’s more than that is that, for the large majority of us, sex isn’t really that big of a deal. It’s nice, but it’s not everything we are.


Myth: You can tell someone is a lesbian just by looking at her.

Every single time I hear someone say, “But you don’t look like a lesbian!” or “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian!” I have the overwhelming urge to do a table-flip. Then again, I’m one of those lesbians who gets that from lesbians, straight men, straight women, and bisexuals of all varieties. Definitely one of the most irritating stereotypes out there, and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to change.

“Lesbians hate shaving and wearing makeup. They’re into sports and they dress like men.”

Just because a woman wears less “feminine” clothing or participates in more “masculine” activities doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian. We wish it was that simple, but thankfully, that means that lesbians are a gorgeous, diverse, and super vast group – we don’t have to fit into one particular fashion bracket to know who we are.

“Pretty, femme lesbians are just faking it for male attention. Lesbians don’t like wearing high heels or dresses.”

As a lesbian who likes rocking heels just as much as I enjoy a good pair of sneakers, I don’t think your shoes are an accurate predictor of your sexuality. Besides, it was a straight girl who showed me my first pair of Vans – and she wears hers a lot more than I wear mine. And, by the way, you’re not allowed to decide that someone else’s sexuality is fake – you have no idea what’s going on in her head, her heart, or her bedroom. Gaydar is a crap shoot at best, guys.


Myth: The media portrays mostly accurate lesbian characters.

Most people know about lesbians through The L Word and pornography, and – because they don’t have much to compare to – they get this idea that all lesbians are really like that. Then, when they meet a lesbian who isn’t like the picture they’ve built up in their minds, they reject the alternate possibility. That is why we’re pushing for more lesbians on TV – not because we’re trying to take over.

“Lesbian life must be just like The L Word/Orange is the New Black/insert any other television show or movie with a lesbian character here.”

For the most part, the representation that gets the biggest audience is the one that gets renewed – and really, most lesbians are no more exciting than your average straight person. We watch TV shows when it’s hard to look away – after all, everyone likes a train wreck. That doesn’t mean we all sleep with each other and steal each other’s babies.

“Lesbian sex must be just like [insert straight-male-produced porn film title here].”

I’m sure the phrasing of that particular stereotype gave a hint to the answer of this one. Most “lesbian porn” is made by people who have never had lesbian sex before, for people who have never had lesbian sex to watch. It’s hard to find good, feminist lesbian porn films, although the options are increasing in the last few years. But, basically, 99.99% of porn you see* is made by-and-for straight guys. It doesn’t have to be realistic, just hot.

(* = not an exact statistic.)


Myth: Lesbians can fit into one specific box.

Okay, so I went all super-general and went with the most basic stereotype of all: All ___ are ____. But, seriously… How do people still believe these things?

“Lesbians are psycho stalkers.”

Do you really mean psycho? Because I don’t think that word means what you think it means. While we’re at it, are you sure stalking is what you think it is? I mean, don’t get me wrong… Stalking is terrible. But it’s not “a lesbian thing”. Stalkers have a little more to do with mental illness than your sexual orientation.

“Lesbians are just confused.”

Fun fact: Coming out is hard. Like, really hard. I’ll go ahead and indulge the idea that some lesbians are confused – but I don’t think most of us are going to go through the trouble of coming out if we’re not sure about it.

“Lesbians are rude (especially towards men).”

Ugh. For my own personal sanity, I’ve got to believe that most lesbians (and everyone else on the planet) is a nice person. I know there are exceptions, and I can handle that. But shitty people are shitty people – they’re not that way because of their sexual orientation (and their attitude has a chance to change eventually).

Study Explores The Truth About Living Together

At some point in (almost) every relationship, the discussion about whether or not you’ll move in together will inevitably come up. Instinctively, we know that living with someone full-time brings us closer together, and increases the chances of seeing those big milestones. However, moving in with someone can be a huge and scary process, especially if you’ve never done it before. (Truth be told, it doesn’t exactly get any easier the more it’s happened – it’s just a bit different each time.)

Recently, we became aware of a study by Moshells about cohabitating couples and their preferences. They surveyed 500 people in live-in relationships to see how they felt were the important issues. They didn’t specify the sexual orientations of the study participants, but they did group the answers by (binary) gender and generation. Read on if you want a little insight into moving in with your girlfriend!


No one likes clutter.

When it comes to visiting your partner at her place (or living together, eventually), no one likes to see dirt and clutter. Men and women across the board reported that dirty bathrooms, piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink were all major turn-offs. Pictures and reminders of exes also ranked pretty high on the list – and we’re going to go ahead and call that “emotional clutter”.

When the results were broken down by generation, Moshells also discovered that baby boomers were turned off by cheap furniture and too many grooming products hanging around. Gen X’ers were more turned off by small beds and stuffed animals, while millennials were most turned off by roommates and smelly drains. (Although, who wouldn’t be?)


Having nice stuff is a good idea.

The number-one turn on for both men and women is a nice, big bed. Nice furniture and a good TV come in 2nd and 3rd place for women (3rd and 2nd place, respectively, for men). This isn’t too surprising, since you want to be comfortable – and there’s nothing comfortable about a twin bed, plastic furniture, or small, blurry televisions. Women also wanted their partners to have a way to wash and dry their clothes, and they wanted pets.

Again, the results by generation showed a slightly different picture. Baby boomers wanted to see art on the walls and books on the shelves, while generation X wanted to see high-quality furniture and nice liquor. Millenials preferred to see good computers and healthy food. (I think that all of these show that your budget is actually pretty important in the dating game, am I right?)


Once you move in together, you’re probably going to do more chores.

Most women said that they ended up doing more around the house once they’d moved in with their partner. 70% of women say they do more dishes, 77% cook more, and 80% did more laundry. Overall, 71% said they did more cleaning in general.


You might pick up some better habits, too.

Of the women surveyed, 31% woke up earlier after moving in with their partner. 19% spent less time in the bathroom, and 20% spent less time online. (Which really could just mean that they stopped scrolling through Instagram while indisposed.)

…or not.

42% of women said that they watch more TV now than they did before they lived with their partner. (But, to be fair, it’s way more fun to binge-watch a show with your girlfriend than it is by yourself.)


There will definitely be some challenges.

The biggest challenges of living together, in every group, were sharing a bathroom, and sharing household chore responsibilities. Baby boomer women in particular weren’t too thrilled about having to share their bathroom space, but over the course of their relationships, they tended to care less about sharing the bathroom. They also cared a little more about sharing their food (but, let’s be real – there’s only so much you can handle your girlfriend eating the last piece of cake).

Millenial women were the most concerned with sharing the household responsibilities (probably because the study showed they did most of the work!).


But, despite all the challenges, it’s still worth it.

None of these findings invalidate the fact that living with your girlfriend is awesome. Sure, it’s going to be scary and hard and you’re going to have to clean a lot more than you’re used to, you still get to wake up to her face, and fall asleep next to her. (Just make sure you’re being fair when you split up the chores!)

Don’t forget to check out the rest of the study here – there were a lot of other interesting finds, too!


[interaction id=”55e4b89347016b292e3e34c5″]

Modern-Day Date: Balancing The Demands Of Work With The Demands Of Your Girlfriend

In the morning, you take the train to separate offices. At night, you check work emails at dinner. Evenings are spent juggling networking events.

You and your girlfriend are excelling at your careers, but your relationship is suffering – how can you fix that?


Have a No-Work Zone.

If possible, making your whole apartment a No-Work zone and leave your work worries at the office. (As an added bonus, you’ll be more productive during the day if you know you won’t be able to catch up on work when you get home.) If that’s not possible, then turn off your phones during dinner, in bed and after 8 p.m.


Pencil each other in during the day.

When your schedules line up, meet your partner for lunch or coffee during the day. Even a twenty-minute coffee break will do wonders – suddenly, your girlfriend is part of your work day, even if it’s just for one day.


Eat breakfast or dinner together.

Preferably both. Grabbing breakfast together – even if it’s just a bagel and instant coffee – means that you start your day together, while sharing dinner is a nice time to connect over conversation each day.

But don’t let a single day go by when you eat all of your meals at the office or on the subway. You and your girlfriend can spare at least fifteen minutes for a meal together.


Sweat together.

Not just during sex, but also at the gym. Exercise increases your energy level throughout the day, and you should be exercising regularly anyway. Convince your girlfriend to pick up a gym membership too and you can start a new morning routine.

You don’t have to do the same activities at the gym – you can watch her do dumbbells while you hit the treadmill – but the fact that you’re there together gives you something else to bond over.


Go to events together twice a week.

I know, I know, you’re tired enough already without adding extra activities to your schedule, but hear me out. What does your typical workday look like? You wake up early, toil in an office, stagger home so tired you can barely stand, fall straight into bed, lather, rinse, repeat. If you add an event to your schedule – a salsa class, for example, or a movie screening or an art show – then you both have something to look forward to. Your workday doesn’t have to be your whole day.


Go to work events together.

I don’t mean staff meetings – no one wants to go to those. But if your office is having a Christmas party or your boss is throwing a casual mixer, then ask if you can bring your girlfriend as a plus one. She’ll feel more involved in your work life once she meets your coworkers, and it’s a great way to appease both your company and your girlfriend.


Life is hectic, but don’t let your relationship suffer for it. The more you and your girlfriend build a routine that doesn’t revolve around work – such as hitting the gym or cooking dinner – the closer you’ll become, despite your busy schedules.


[interaction id=”55e4b89347016b292e3e34c5″]

The Secret To Being Exactly Who You Want To Be

I am on a perpetual quest for self-discovery and self-development. I’ve always thought that learning was the key to everything else, so when I discovered how not lame self-help books really were… Well, let’s just say my addictive personality took over, and my life was forever changed.

It’s remarkable, though, that pretty much every one of those self-help books has revolved around the same core messages. I’m about to blow your mind – here’s exactly what you need to do to be the absolute best version of yourself.

Are you ready for this?


Start now.

It seems so simple – just get started. But we tell ourselves that we have to wait until we accomplish something else. We tell ourselves that it’s not the right time to make such a big change. We tell ourselves that we’re not ready, because we haven’t done enough research or we aren’t 100% sure yet. But the most successful people in life are the ones who stop waiting and start being. When you stop focusing on who you want to be in the future, you can actually start becoming that person. It’s all about taking the right steps to form the right habits.


Don’t worry about labels.

Most of the time, labels and titles are just a distraction from your real goals. You’re never going to be the exact description of anything in your life, so the sooner you can detach from it, the better your life will be. Titles don’t bring value or happiness to your life. They only exist to stroke your ego – and your ego is only going to mess things up for you.


You are what you do.

You are not the person you used to be, nor are you the person you want to be – you are the person who does the things you do. That’s really just a complicated way to say that you need to be consistent, if you want to stay the person you want to become. You don’t get credit for who you used to be, and you don’t get credit for dreams you don’t reach – so stop making up excuses, and start being who you want to be!


Other people don’t matter.

Stop worrying about what other people think of you. In many cases, they aren’t thinking of you as much as you’d like to think, and their opinions don’t assign value to your life even if they do. True happiness comes from the way you feel about the choices you make, and no one else is obligated to agree with them.


Know when to let go of your dreams.

Sometimes, the things you think you wanted end up being completely wrong for you. That’s okay! It’s hard to know what you want until you’ve had a taste of it, so you shouldn’t concern yourself with figuring everything out right away. Sometimes plans change (up until a couple of years ago, I was convinced I wanted to be an architect!) and sometimes they’re just not suited to us. As long as you learn something from the experience, it was worth it.


Not every calling is epic.

This is really hard for me to say, but… Not everyone is destined for internet fame. Not everyone is destined to be a heart surgeon or the next Pope. You can find your calling along the course of your life, and it doesn’t have to be anything fantastic. I’ve known people whose calling was in fast food, or teaching, or housekeeping. It doesn’t mean that they’re not incredible people or that they aren’t destined for greatness – their success comes from embracing the task at hand and doing it in a spectacular way. Be proud of who you are, and stop trying so hard to be someone else.


Focus on the present, but keep an eye on the future.

It’s important that you learn how to live in the now. Not only does over-planning increase the chances of procrastination (and, therefore, basically sabotage your dreams), but it also takes away the smaller joys of day-to-day life. Focus on being the best person you can, today, and start doing the things that will set you up for life.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

– Maya Angelou


[interaction id=”561262c874a791dd4b459468″]

Don’t Freak Out If Life Isn’t Going To Plan

Many people set a life plan, especially once they’ve finished collage or fall in love. They plan when they will move in with their partner, they plan their career route and when they will get promoted. Some people make plans for everything and find it hard to accept when things don’t go according to plan.

But life is not like that. Variables have a habit of getting in the way. For example, you plan when you and your partner are going to get married. That’s not going to work if your chosen partner doesn’t believe in marriage, is it? What if you plan to leave home by the age of 25 and when you reach 25 you barely have enough money saved to pay for a night out? Feeling like a failure is not going to help your situation and will in fact just hinder your future even more.

So what should you do? Here are some ideas to help you accept things if your life plan just ain’t happening.


Try to be spontaneous

This can be quite difficult for people that like to plan things, but with practise it can be done. If you are the type of person that takes months to plan a weekend away then getting used to the idea of taking off on a whim can seem quite scary, so start of small. Start off by saying yes to a few things. If friends suggest going to an all-night takeaway at 3am, say yes and go! Say yes to some things that would normally send you off into a tailspin. Once you’ve practised doing a few spontaneous things it won’t take long before you are the one asking your friends to do some spontaneous things. Learning to let go and embrace the moment can be really liberating, once you learn to enjoy it.


Try to be more laid back

Try to stop yourself planning everything when you start a new job or meet a new partner. It doesn’t matter if you don’t always get to the end. All new relationships don’t always end in happy ever afters and not all new jobs will lead to that dream promotion. So try to take things day by day and let things just happen naturally rather than strive for them to happen. If they are supposed to happen they will, whether you spend ages planning for them or not.


Eliminate drama from your life

Drama and toxic people normally go hand in hand. So, distance yourself from any people in your life that cause you unnecessary drama. Dealing with constant drama can make you really uptight and being uptight is not the key to relaxing and going with the flow. If the drama is coming from your work, look for a new one, even if you had planned to stay with the company for a few years. Ditch the plan and ditch the drama. You’ll be a lot happier for it in the long run.


Set realistic boundaries

Sometimes things are just never going to happen, no matter how much you plan them to or want them to. If you take a step back and look at things rationally you will be surprised to see how many of your goals are not really achievable. You might have planned five years ago to get your own apartment by next year, but in five years the cost of things has gone up so much and if your earnings haven’t, then realistically you aren’t going to be able to afford to make your plan happen. If you start being realistic and honest with what is achievable and what isn’t you will take a lot of pressure off yourself.


Worry about your own opinion, not everyone else’s

Try not to worry if people start asking you why you are suddenly being more spontaneous or why you no longer seem to be striving obsessively towards your goals. Their opinions aren’t important. Your happiness is. People have probably always known you as a planner so if you suddenly don’t seem so focused to them, don’t worry about it. Just do what makes you happy and your true friends will accept the new you and even embrace it.


Accept your life

Realizing that not everything has to be written down, planned and followed to the T is part of letting go, so accept how your life is going for the moment and see what opportunities come along. And they will, for sure. When you are obsessing to reach a goal you are unlikely to see other opportunities that could be taken, but once you accept that and learn to say yes a lot more and take a few risks you will find that many new doors will open for you.

Couples Meditation For You And Your Girlfriend

Meditating by yourself teaches you how to be one with the universe. Meditating with your girlfriend teaches you how to be one with each other.


1. Select your soundscape.

Choose a track without words. I recommend either classical music or music made specifically for meditation. You can also choose silence.


2. Set a minimum time limit.

Together, decide how long you’d like to meditate for: maybe five minutes, maybe ten, maybe half an hour. Start small and work your way up.

Put a clock where one of you can see it. But don’t set an alarm – that will jolt you out of your reverie.


3. Sit with your back straight and face your partner.

When you think of meditation, you probably think of someone sitting on the floor in lotus position with their legs crossed and their middle fingers pressed to their thumbs.

You don’t have to meditate like this. You can sit in a chair with your feet on the ground, or you can sit on the ground with your legs folded. The important thing is that 1) you’re comfortable and 2) your back is straight to facilitate easier breathing.


4. Place your hands on your partner’s hands.

Place one hand face up on your knee and the other face down. Have your girlfriend do the same, so that you’re touching palm-to-palm.

Placing your hands palm-to-palm in front of you with your arms outstretched isn’t recommended, because your arms may get tired.


5. Look at each other.

Make eye contact with your partner, and fight the urge to laugh – eye contact can be tricky, but it’s important. (You’re allowed to blink.)

Look at your partner. Look at her looking back at you. It’s a cliché to “get lost in someone’s eyes,” but if you do this exercise right, you will.


6. Breathe at the same pace.

Inhale deeply for three counts, then exhale deeply for three counts. Make sure you and your partner are inhaling and exhaling at the same time. Get into a rhythm.


7. Release your mind.

Empty your mind. Stop consciously thinking of anything.

If thoughts pop up, don’t stress about them. Don’t follow them. Let them enter and exit on their own. Having thoughts doesn’t mean you’re “failing” meditation.

Allow yourself to relax. Release your muscles so that all you feel is the weight of your girlfriend’s palms on yours. Feel her heartbeat in your hand. Keep looking in her eyes.

Let the world melt away until you’re the only two people left.


8. Transition back to the real world slowly.

When your time ends, don’t immediately jolt back down to earth. Take a moment to appreciate the peace that you two cultivated, and pick a time to do it again – say, tomorrow morning?


If the meditation didn’t help you relax, don’t stress; it will come with time. The important thing is that you and your girlfriend keep practicing, cultivating a safe and quiet place where you can enjoy each other’s company.

The Keys To Making A Tough Lesbian Relationship Work

Let’s be really honest with each other for a second. Relationships can be pretty hard. When you’re a member of the LGBT community, things can be even harder, because you’ve got to deal with extra pressure from society (and maybe even your own family). Coming out isn’t even an option for everyone, which adds its own issues, on top of everything else out there. Yet, amazingly, lesbians still end up in these tough relationships – the work is worth it. Humans are inherently social creatures, after all.

Looking to make your tough relationship just a little bit easier? Follow these 5 rules and you’ll find yourself well on your way.


Embrace your disagreements.

When things start to get rough, we may find ourselves tempted to just go straight into denial. Put the problem out of your mind, and it can’t bug you, right? But, realistically, that’s a poor way to handle your relationships. Denial is rarely the appropriate response to a stressful situation, at least in the long-term.

You are different people with different opinions and different histories. It’s completely understandable that you’re not going to agree all the time. You just need to know how to channel those disagreements into a better understanding of one another, instead of letting them tear you apart.


Learn about the past.

Any time it seems like the woman you’re dating is crazy, clingy, or needy, take a minute to think about what led her to that point. Sure, sometimes it’s just her personality – but most of the time, you’ll find that there were experiences that molded her into the person she is today. Take care not to repeat her ex’s mistakes, and your relationship is going to have a much more solid foundation.

You need to understand your own past, also – so make sure you’ve learned the lessons your past relationships were meant to teach you. No one is magically perfect in relationships, but you can make sure you get better every time.


Be a team.

Too many people take their relationships way too seriously. It’s good to have feelings for your partner and be attracted to her, but that’s not what your relationship is all about. You need to be conscious of each other, and you need to work together.

You can’t expect her to make unreasonable changes, either, especially if you aren’t willing to make changes for her. Relationships need balance and compromise – they don’t run on ideals and miracles. And it would be completely unfair for you to expect her to change just because you asked her to.


Slow things down.

There’s a stereotype that lesbians move way too fast (you know, the whole U-haul joke), but it’s actually recently been backed up by science. Chances are, your relationship is moving a lot faster than it needs to. Rushing into things is rarely sustainable, and things are going to fizzle out a bit eventually. Make sure you take the time to work on things even after the shine is gone.

This happens at a different point for everyone, but the sooner you recognize it and adjust your gameplan, the better off you’ll be. Just because there are some lulls in the relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship is over – it just means that things are a little harder for a while.


Talk more, listen more.

Now, time for some hard truth: Communication is more important than everything else put together. It makes the good things even better, and it makes the bad things a little easier to take. Your sex life will be much more fulfilling, and you’ll have the tools to keep minor frustrations from turning into major resentment.

It’s not just about talking, though – you and your partner need to be actively listening to one another, too. Honesty is an important part of the communication process, and you’ll need to make sure your talks are a safe space, free from judgment. That way, you feel more comfortable expressing the things you need and want, and she has time to explain her needs and wants, too. You’re not mind readers, so stop trying to pretend you are!


[interaction id=”577a467ceaef76d524435681″]

Sixteen Signs You’re The Side Chick

The new girl you’ve been seeing is perfect! She sends you sweet text messages, she cooks dinner at your apartment, and she says that you two have something special – she’s the best girlfriend you could ever ask for.

Okay, maybe she’s not your “girlfriend”…and she doesn’t want to meet your friends…and she never sleeps over…but that doesn’t mean you’re her dirty little secret. That doesn’t mean she already has a girlfriend.

Right?


The warning signs:


1. She always comes to your dorm or apartment, but you’ve never seen the inside of hers.


2. If you have gone to her place, something seems off. Maybe the closet door is always closed (to hide her girlfriend’s clothing), or there are two types of shampoo in the shower, or the shoes by the door come in multiple sizes.


3. You always meet up at odd, very specific hours, usually during the day (when her girlfriend is at work) or late at night (when her girlfriend is asleep).


4. She never sleeps over. If she does sleep over, it’s very rare and it’s usually on weekends (when her girlfriend is out of town).


5. When you ask her about her relationship status, she’s shady. You don’t want to push it because you don’t want to seem clingy, but she never quite clarifies whether is or isn’t seeing someone else.


6. You’ve been seeing each other for a long time, but you’ve never met her friends. And she has never asked to meet yours.


7. She doesn’t take photos of you two together, not even on Snapchat. In fact, when you try to take photos, she hides her face or asks you to stop.


8. If you post something about the two of you to social media, she asks you to take it down.


9. You can’t follow her social media accounts. You’ve been hooking up for three months, but she still hasn’t accepted your Instagram request.


10. Most of your dates take place inside. In fact, most of your dates are Netflix and Chill.


11. When you two do go out in public, you go somewhere removed. She doesn’t take you to the popular café where most people your age hang out – she takes you somewhere across town, or outside the city limits. She says it’s because she doesn’t want anywhere too “crowded.”


12. She still hasn’t saved your phone number. Like, really?


13. She’s saved your phone number, but she’s saved it under a different name, such as your initials, a series of emojis, or “Pizza Hut.”


14. You don’t even have her phone number. You still do most of your communication through WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger or Tumblr Chat (which her girlfriend will never think to check).


15. She texts someone frequently when you’re together, but she strategically hides the screen or texts only when she thinks you’re not looking.

And finally:


16. Messages on her phone pop up from someone named “Bae” or “Wifey” or “Girlfriend.”


Just because your hookup does one or more of the above doesn’t mean that she’s cheating on someone with you – it could mean she’s a private person. But if you have a gut feeling that something is off, then you should ask about it. Life is too short to spend time with shady people.


[interaction id=”577a467ceaef76d524435681″]

Why Labels And Language Matter In LGBTQ Activism

Language -its fluidity, its use, and the relativity of its importance- is one of the biggest debates in social justice.

However, one of the first – and apparently most common – arguments I found myself surprised to hear when I got into activism, was that language is just language: harmless; that the way you use it doesn’t really matter when your actions speak for the quality of your intentions; and that it becomes truly harmful when you use it to categorize people, to put them into boxes and stick labels on them as if they were different brands of cereal.

Now, all these opinions make enough sense, so why would anyone who believes in freedom of expression – including me – feel uncomfortable at their phrasing? Let’s have a closer look at those statements, at what people might mean with them, and at how things may be slightly different after all.


Words matter as much as actions do

Of course no one can doubt that actions must be taken into consideration as much as words, if not more, and no one should be condemned just for a slip of their tongue when all of their actions show that they care, that they try to learn and make the world friendlier to people who are affected by discrimination. But at the same time, we must remember that people who belong in social groups that are discriminated against in most sections of their lives, and certainly have already had enough, are still affected by harmful, problematic language, and could definitely live without its use.

When, for example, you misgender a trans person (= use, accidentally or purposefully, the wrong name or pronouns, implying that they are a different gender than their own), you invalidate not just a choice of words, but the entire experience connected to their gender and the battles they’ve had to fight for it.

When you hear something directed to you that invalidates or erases your experience, offends your personality and attacks parts of your identity, you don’t really care to stop and check whether the other person’s intentions were good. You were hurt and that’s what matters and people don’t deserve to be hurt for who they are.


Language is a living organism

The language we use is not something stable. Its purpose is to serve our needs. The needs of a society change, and so should our language. Just because a word didn’t exist up to this point or because certain pronouns weren’t used, doesn’t mean that we can’t alter the way we use our language to include them.


Language doesn’t impose limits – it surpasses them

The philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein said: “The limits of my language mean the limits of my world”. That means that I cannot know anything in my world that cannot be phrased in my language.

The labels that you use in your language don’t have to limit you – they are there for you to describe yourself in a way that this self finally belongs. Of course, you are in no way obligated to use a strict label to describe the complex experiences that come with your identity, to put yourself in boxes and have them dictate what you like, who you are and how you act. If you identify as a lesbian but happen to fall in love with a man, then the way you label your sexuality should in no way be limiting. After all, sexuality and gender are fluid and people can question them all along their journey, without even having to come up to a solid realization in the end.

But at the same time, labels for some people are the way to expand the limits that a language made by other people, with different priorities, interests, and perceptions of the world, has posed for them, without their consent. I have seen on Facebook conversations cis people and, once, even a trans woman, invalidate the existence of non-binary and genderfluid people. They claimed that since we already have two pronouns in our language, remembering pronouns other than those of the binary genders (female and male) is hard and unnecessary, and that they don’t believe in the “politically correct theory” of the existence of more than two genders.

That, of course, is problematic, because there are many people whose gender falls in a spectrum outside the gender binary. That is, they identify neither as male nor as female. Non binary people shouldn’t have to debate their identities and use arguments to justify their existence to you. You just have to do so because their identities are valid as long as they experience them, and in order for you to respect them and show that you recognize their existence, you must at first use their correct pronouns. None of this is for the sake of political correctness alone; it’s about respect of their rights and their dignity instead.

That brings us to that: developing our language to make it more inclusive doesn’t limit us, but expands the limits others have set for us. You speak against the barriers people have set for you, without you. Non binary people are an example, and I use it because it’s the violation I’ve encountered more often. They have to rebuild a world where their existence is accepted, within a binary system that denies it. Changing our language is the first step to achieve that.

And remember: not all of us feel the same about our identities, labels, language, and the way we experience things. Just because you choose to identify as just human, it doesn’t mean that’s enough for everybody around you. When people need to speak for specific parts of their identities, just human is not exactly descriptive. For some people, having words – “labels” – to describe themselves, is much more important than you deem. No identity deserves more or less respect than another, so if you care not to offend the identity of a lesbian, or of a binary trans person, then you must be equally respectful towards the identity of a non-binary person.

Correct language validates people’s existence, as well as their experience. It’s much more than the ever so debated “political correctness”. It’s about accepting me as an individual, and allowing me to speak for my experiences before you do so in my place.


The diversity of language expresses the diversity of our identities

The first thing you learn when you get more into social justice, is that people are diverse. As Sian Ferguson points out in her article “Labels: Empowering, Harmful, or Both?”, people are different, and that difference is not the cause of systemic inequality, that is sometimes enforced by pre-existing language itself. People’s differences must have the correct language to be described by. A more diverse language can express a diverse culture much more effectively.

I’m pansexual. That means I’m not a lesbian. I’m not straight either, and I can’t be successfully included in each of these categories. I have different experiences than both straight and gay women, and have, on occasions, heard things from both categories of women that show lack of understanding to my own experiences. In order to have my experiences accepted, respected and understood, I need to have a word – a specific label – to properly describe them. So, when people speak of queer women, I don’t want them to limit the meaning of the word to gay. I need them to acknowledge bisexual and pansexual identities, in order to create a space for me, and for every other woman with my experiences, to speak. Same goes for all identities.


Words are the tools to build a space for our actions to matter

When you show that it’s vital to be careful with your words in order to respect a group of people, you simultaneously show that it’s vital to be careful with your actions in order to be respectful to people. When you realize how bad a racist slur is, and that you are -under no circumstances- allowed to use it, you also understand how unacceptable it is to hurt a victim of racial discrimination in any other way.

So how can homophobic actions be prevented, how can violence and abuse against trans people be perceived to be as horrible as they are, if we don’t first denaturalize and abolish homophobic and transphobic language?

Words are not just an embellishment to our actions and ourselves; they are the tools with which we build the world around us, and the way we perceive everyone and everything in it. When a person uses a label for themselves, they give life, shape and clothes to an identity that the world has, up to that moment, ignored and erased. Labels are not just labels, words are not just words: they form the space in our minds for new ideas and thoughts to grow.

 

10 Bullsh*t Things Lesbians Hear All The Damn Time

For some reason, people who aren’t lesbians love to ask lesbians some pretty personal (and misguided) things. Some of these questions have probably been around for centuries, while others have been perpetuated by modern society and the ways that people come up with to “cure” gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. Instead of asking your friendly local lesbian, try checking this list first.

If it’s answered here, she’s probably answered it a hundred times already.


“When did you become a lesbian?”

This question usually isn’t coming from a bad place, but it is very misguided. I think the people who ask this are dealing with some confusion about their own sexuality, or they simply don’t understand how human sexuality works. It’s not exactly the black-and-white picture that it seems like it would be, and there’s no easy way to pinpoint “when” it happened. Could you tell someone when exactly you became straight? I’m betting probably not.

Let me try putting things a different way. Some people understand who they are at a very young age, and are immediately accepted by their families. Some people know at a very young age, but their family situation makes it impossible to come out. Other people get confused during puberty, or during college, or menopause, or at any other time when hormones are high, and they might reach a different definition of themselves than they previously had. It doesn’t necessarily mean that their previous identity was wrong, nor does it mean that their previous identity was true to who they really were.

It’s different for everyone, but chances are, your lesbian loved one doesn’t feel like putting something as complicated as her sexuality on something as linear as a timeline.


“What made you swear off men?”

This is one of the tactics often used by gay conversion therapy – understanding the “root” of someone’s homosexual tendencies, so that they can be “fixed”. However, this one relies on a fundamental misunderstanding. Correlation doesn’t necessarily equal causation – or, more simply put, just because a lesbian has had negative experiences with men, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s developed some sort of bias against them.

In fact, since (at least) one out of every four women will experience some form of sexual assault in their life, there’s bound to be some overlap. But that overlapping area doesn’t have anything to do with the women who haven’t been sexually abused, and still aren’t attracted to men. It also doesn’t take into consideration the women worldwide who are raped and beaten because they’re lesbians. (Trigger warning – vivid descriptions of conversion rape, although there are no graphic photographs.)

More than just those horrible statistics, there’s also the fact that the women who have “sworn off men” because of some type of trauma can’t consciously choose to turn-off their attractions to them, nor can they choose to turn-on an attraction to women. Framing your question as if all lesbians have simply “sworn off men” implies that this is a choice they’ve made, and as any woman who has consciously tried to change her sexuality can tell you… It doesn’t work.


“So, which one of you is the man?”

Okay, so I could go into the stereotypical response about how there is no man, and how that’s sort of the point… But I think that answering the question that way takes away a powerful teaching experience. Most women who love other women aren’t necessarily doing it to “avoid men”. (Although, some may be – but please see above about “swearing off men”.

The worst thing about this question is that it relies entirely on ingrained sexism, and the idea that there are “manly” things to do and “womanly” things to do. Newsflash: Both men and women can be bread-winners, both men and women can do the housework and cooking, and both men and women are capable of being caring parents. The idea that you have to be “more like” one or the other is entirely unfounded. All relationships work best when there is balance – when the partners are actually partners.

What’s more is that gender roles are largely societal. Sure, the higher testosterone levels in men make them (generally) stronger and more sexual than women, and the higher estrogen levels in women make them (generally) more inclined toward starting a family. Our personality, however, plays a lot larger of a role in deciding that – and our personality is not defined by our biology.


“How do you handle all the crazy mood swings?!”

This is another one rooted in sexist implications. Believe it or not, women are not these psychotic bags of hormones, incapable of controlling their emotions. There may be certain times of the month (ahem) or mental illnesses that make it more difficult to think before we act, but most women have better control over their emotions than what we’d like to think. Men have just as much control over their emotions, on average, but they’ve been conditioned to keep them under wraps more.

What’s important here is that we separate ourselves from the stereotypes about our gender, whether biological or mid-/post-transition. You might not be in control over your emotions themselves, but you are in control of how you react to those emotions. Take responsibility for the way you act, and stop using the easy excuses.

(However, if you honestly have a hard time controlling your emotional responses, it’s important that you speak with your doctor about it. He or she might be able to recommend therapy or medication that works with your specific issues, and in many cases you can regain control.)


“But you don’t look/act like a lesbian.”

Sadly, the media has royally screwed us on this one. We typically get two lesbian images: The super-butch (think Lea Delaria here), or the super-femme (I’m looking at you, Portia de Rossi). We don’t get to see all the women in between, because they blend in. The truth is, most lesbians don’t “look” like lesbians – but that doesn’t mean that they’re lying to you when they say they are.

Just like with any other sexual orientation, lesbians are allowed to have their own individual style. In fact, our styles are just as diverse as everyone else’s, too. This is why so many lesbians don’t “look” like lesbians – the media latches onto the two styles that are most easily recognizable, and kicks the rest to the curb.

Unfortunately, we see this just about as often within the queer community, too. (Or, at least, I’ve received this an equal number of times from ignorant straight friends as I have from nosy lesbian friends.) The entire idea of “gaydar” is built around exactly this, and as any lesbian who’s been shot down by a straight woman will tell you… It’s really just a numbers game. If she ticks off enough “lesbian” boxes, it’s easier to muster up the courage to talk to her. But people never really fit into a mold, so your average lesbian probably gets shot down by straight women just about as often as the average straight man gets shot down by lesbians.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

This particular question is even harder to address without causing a commotion. For some crazy reason, people think that they are entitled to know way too much about other people’s lives. Sure, some people are open – but that doesn’t mean everyone has to be. Unless you are presently in an intimate relationship someone, who they sleep with (and how they do it) is absolutely none of your business.

Next, it’s important that you understand there are many reasons a person might not be ready to come out, and all of them are perfectly valid. Some people fear discrimination at home or in the workplace. Some people are concerned with their image (such as those who rely on their sex appeal for tips). Some even choose not to come out because they feel it’s nobody else’s business. And you know what? Every single one of those women has “a good enough reason” – no matter what you might think.

(And, besides, you know now, don’t you? What difference does it make how you found out?)


“So, how do you have sex?”

Now, when it comes to depressing questions, this one pretty much takes the cake. First, let’s go back to the “it’s none of your business” point from above. The only people who have the right to know the details of your sex life are, a) your partner, during the periods of time she was involved in your sex life; and b) your doctor, to the extent medically required. That’s literally it. The rest of the time, if it’s not eagerly offered, it’s not up for discussion.

Next, there’s the definition of “sex” itself. What exactly constitutes sex, anyway? The jury’s still out on that one, but the short answer is that everyone has different needs and wants. It doesn’t have much to do with who you’re attracted to, since our sexual lives are usually not our whole lives. Some women like being penetrated, some don’t. Some women like oral sex, and some don’t. Toys, bondage, roleplay, scissoring – all of these things are completely subjective.

(But, most of all, if you only know one definition for having sex… You’re missing out on all that sex can be.)


“At least you don’t have to worry about protection.”

Whoa, NO. Hold up. I don’t know who started the myth that lesbians can’t get STDs, but you better believe that person was not a doctor. Lesbians are not magically immune from getting STDs just because they only have sex with other women. There are a number of STDs that you can get through skin contact, and even more that are passed through bodily fluids. Yes, the vagina contains/produces bodily fluids. So does the mouth. And, well, I’m not a doctor either, but that means you can get STDs from a same-sex partner.

No matter what your sexual orientation, it’s important that you take your sexual health seriously. That means regular testing, honest communication, and barrier methods whenever possible – every time.

When it comes to family planning, though, lesbians don’t really have to worry about accidental pregnancies. It takes so much planning and negotiating to even come to an agreement about having a child in the first place. Then, if we do decide we want to have a child (which isn’t even a given), we’ve got to go through a long, drawn-out process just to have a child recognized as legally having two mothers. There’s adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, artificial insemination, and so much more – just because there are two parents of the same sex. There are so many extra hoops that it’s no surprise some lesbians decide it’s just easier not to have kids.


“What about a threesome?” or “Can I watch?”

Yikes. This is another one that never ceases to amaze me. There are so many people out there who really do think it’s appropriate to insert themselves into other people’s personal lives – sometimes trying to literally insert themselves in there. As a general rule of thumb, remember this: No person exists strictly for the sexual pleasure of another.

Even though there’s an ever-growing acceptance of polyamory and open relationships, you shouldn’t simply assume that two people in a relationship are looking to supplement outside the relationship. Polyamory isn’t the default, nor is “secret bisexuality”.

If a lesbian couple you know wants you to watch her and her girlfriend have sex, she’ll ask you. If she wants you to join, she’ll ask you. Otherwise, stay out of it. We’re not trying to steal your straight women, and we’re not trying to sleep with your straight men.


“I wish I was a lesbian.”

When I was a teenager, I used to respond to this one with “I can help you with that!” (wink, wink.) As I grew up, I realized: Being gay isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, it’s great for me, and most lesbians would agree that it’s pretty great. But being someone you’re not is never a great idea. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but I promise you it’s just tricky lighting. You’ve got to learn how to be happy with what you have, and what you are.

However, if what you really mean is “I think I might be interested in women”, I wholeheartedly encourage you to experiment. Experimentation is how you figure out who you are. Just remember – your sexuality isn’t something you can will to change. You aren’t crafting yourself, you’re finding yourself.

Lastly, remember that there are a lot of things about the queer community that you simply can’t see from the outside – just like with any other subculture. It’s not really that we’re hiding things; it’s that you don’t want to see them. You choose to make yourself blind to them, in order to excuse yourself for not helping to stop them. It’s okay – we forgive you. But now it’s time to start being realistic about homophobia and discrimination. That’s what you should be talking to your lesbian loved ones about – not about what happens in their bedroom.

How To Live With Your Girlfriend (Without Losing Your Mind)

Moving in with your girlfriend is exciting. For some couples, the Big Move happens at three years, for some, three days and – let’s be honest – some couples sign a lease on the third date.

But cohabitation is not without complications. These three tips can make the transition as harmonious as possible.


Cleanliness is next to godliness.

What is the definition of “chores”?

It may seem like a basic question, but everyone interprets that word differently, so you and your partner need to make sure you’re on the same page. For example, maybe you used to sweep every once in a while, but your partner wants the apartment swept, mopped and dusted twice a week.

Then, decide ahead of time how you’ll split the chores. It doesn’t necessarily have to be 50/50. Maybe you work longer hours, so she’ll do the dishes on the nights you come home late. Maybe she is out of town a lot, so you’ll handle all the chores when she’s gone and she’ll do the same when she’s back.


A happy medium.

You and your girlfriend are going to fight. Some fights will be warranted, and others won’t – it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you both know your conflict resolution styles and determine, in advance, what you’ll do when conflicts arise.

For example, maybe your girlfriend needs to silently contemplate every disagreement until she reaches a rational conclusion, while you would rather fight fast and then forget about it. To accommodate both your needs, instate a mandatory thirty-minute Time Out where you both think about what you want to say; that way, she has enough time to process her emotions, and you only have to wait thirty minutes.

Try a lot of tactics to figure out the best way to resolve conflicts. Whenever a conflict arises, try writing letters to each other, taking a walk together or even meditating. Make sure neither of you goes to bed angry.


It must be the money.

Because we live in a capitalist society, money can be stressful, especially for young couples. You and your girlfriend already have enough to worry about – your jobs, your health, all those chores – so work out the big money questions in advance.

  1. How much rent will each person pay? If you’re moving into your girlfriend’s apartment, you might not have to pay anything, or she might ask you to contribute. If you’re signing a lease together, you can choose to split the rent equally or based on how much money each person is making.
  2. Who will pay for groceries and household items, and how much will you spend on that per week? If you can only budget $60 per week for groceries, but she wants to spend $120 on manchego from Whole Foods, you need to have a long talk.
  3. How will the bills be divided in an emergency? An emergency could include an unexpected hospital bill, a massive utility charge or one partner losing her job. You need to decide a backup plan in advance, and have some sort of rainy day fund, even if that “fund” is a credit card (last resort, but effective).

Living together is stressful, but at the end of the day it’s worth it – there’s nothing better than waking up next to your girlfriend every morning.

Congratulations on the Big Move, and good luck!


[interaction id=”5736110813ce5dee22397ffc”]

10 Things You Should NEVER Apologize For

Up until a few years ago, I was an obsessive over-apologizer. Whether I thought I was really at fault or not, I’d say “sorry”, just to avoid the guilt that went along with it. Over time, I realized that there were definitely some times when you shouldn’t say sorry – and I started using better strategies to decide what I really apologizing for, and when I was just filling holes in conversation.

Through all this, I learned these 10 things you should never say you’re sorry for – even if you feel guilty about them. (Which, FYI, you really shouldn’t, but that guilt takes some time to un-learn.)


1. Never apologize for needing alone time.

While humans tend to be social creatures, most of us are recharged by periods of stillness and silence. Your alone time gives you time to process life, and it helps prevent you from burning yourself out.


2. Never apologize for speaking your mind.

Women are socially conditioned to hide the things on our minds, especially when those feelings might hurt someone else’s feelings. You shouldn’t have to hide how you really feel, though – and no one should make you feel bad for being honest. Don’t be rude, but don’t keep your mouth shut just to please others.


3. Never apologize for taking your time to reply.

With the age of technology exploding all around us, we’ve gotten all too used to an immediate response. Truthfully, though, your smart phone exists for your convenience – not the convenience of others. Very few things that we treat as “urgent” actually are, and rushing your response takes away your time to think things through.


4. Never apologize for asking for help.

Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Even Batman needs a partner sometimes, and – sorry to be the one to tell you this – you are most likely not Batman.


5. Never apologize for your past mistakes.

You can’t change who you used to be – you can only change who you are now and in the future. No one worth keeping around will bring up your past mistakes and hold you to them. Have you learned and grown from it? If yes, then remove yourself from the guilt – that’s not who you are anymore.


6. Never apologize for putting yourself first.

In the spirit of giving, we tend to think that we can’t make ourselves a priority. However, this leads to setting un reasonable expectations from ourselves, because human nature is, in fact, very selfish. You can’t do everything, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why. It’s 100% okay to say no to things.


7. Never apologize for telling the truth.

When we stop ourselves from telling the truth because we’re worried about how it’ll affect someone else, what we’re really telling them is that we aren’t there with them in the rough times. The truth might hurt, but a lie will hurt way more, and for way longer. And besides, honesty is hard enough to come by – why withhold the truth within you?


8. Never apologize for being messier than other people would like.

When I was a kid, I always thought it was weird that we’d get more cleaning done in the few hours before company came than we did in the week before we found out they were coming. It’s okay if life gets busy, and you don’t have as much time to clean as some random outside person thinks you should – unless, of course, those other people are responsible for cleaning up after you when you don’t do it yourself.


9. Never apologize for being successful.

Three mottos to live by: You deserve happiness, you deserve success, and you deserve everything you’ve worked for. If you’ve earned it, it’s yours forever – be proud of your achievements!


10. Never apologize for how you feel.

Your emotions are a natural part of your human experience, and in most cases they serve a useful purpose. Hormones, other people, and the stresses of daily life can do some major damage on those emotions, but you’re only responsible for how you react to your emotions – not how you feel in the first place.