Are you considering dating an introvert? If you’ve never dated an introvert before, let me tell you: We’re a special breed.

We’re generally calm and shy, at least until we get to know someone.

We’re more comfortable in a one-on-one setting than we are in large groups, and it can take us time to get comfortable enough to bare our souls.

We might be insecure, and we need appreciation, trust, and love just as much as (if not more than) our extroverted peers. Still, that doesn’t mean that introverts are boring or over-emotional – here are 11 reasons why introverts are actually the best.

1. We’re totally faithful.

It takes time for an introvert to actually fall for someone – and we definitely don’t take relationships lightly. We’d rather play it safe than take unnecessary risks, so we’re not going to have any wild oats to sow. We know that faithfulness creates a deeper bond, and we would rather have one deeper connection than just a series of trysts.

2. We’re great listeners.

Introverts understand how important it is to communicate clearly, so we pay attention to every detail of the things our girlfriends tell us. We want to make sure we have the most well-crafted answers, so we take time to process things before responding. Introverts know just how precious words can be, too, so we’ll even listen to the things you don’t say.

3. We’ll give you space.

Introverts recharge in our alone time so that we can handle the drain of the crowd. This alone time means a lot to us, but it also gives you the opportunity to do your own thing. We aren’t clingy, and we won’t stand in the way of your hobbies. You do you – we’ll be here waiting when you get back.

4. We’re empathetic.

Introverts are especially in touch with our intuition and our surroundings, so we can pick up on the changes in mood and feelings. This means that we’d never say something just to hurt you, because your happiness is our happiness. You’re our rock in this world – so we’re devoted to helping keep you solid.

5. We’re more thoughtful than most.

Introverts don’t rush into things or jump to conclusions – making us excellent gift-givers. We won’t buy you a gift just because tradition calls for something, because we know what you really like and would rather get you something that made us think of you. We’re also better on paper, so you can expect some love notes or doodles from time to time.

6. We’re honest.

Introverts are knowledgeable and self-aware, and we keep firm control over our words. That means there’s no time for insincerity or dishonesty – that falls under the category of “small talk” which is to be avoided. We’d rather have a deep, honest chat that allows us to be selective about the words we use.

7. We’re more energetic than you might expect.

While introverts often thrive in the areas of logic and reason, we’re also passionate about the things that matter to us – and we’d love to share that passion with you sometime, if we feel comfortable with you. We would prefer not to argue, but when disagreements do come up, we’d rather explain our perspective than hash it out. Most of the time, though, we’re bubbly and loving once you get past the hard exterior.

8. We plan our actions.

Introverts don’t just pick something on a whim – choices take thought and careful planning to make sure we know what we’re getting ourselves into. We consider our options carefully before moving forward. This extends to the people we choose to keep around ourselves, too – we’d rather have a small, selective group than a bunch of acquaintances, so if you make it to our inner circle, be assured that you’re very special to us.

9. We crave intimacy.

Introverts would rather have “real” than “instant” – so we’ll take our time to form a sincere bond. We are the masters of the one-on-one relationship, and we’d rather solve our problems without gossiping about them. We have no time for shallow conversations, but when you get us onto a topic we feel strongly about, we’d love to hear your thoughts.

10. We’ll teach you new things.

Introverts know the importance of slowing down, which makes us great at analyzing and learning about things. We share our most insightful observations with the people who matter to us, and we might even notice things about you that you’d never noticed before. We can even teach you how to appreciate the little moments!

11. We’ll understand.

Introverts are naturally drawn to problem-solving, and we see mysteries as challenges we need to conquer. We look closely at every side of an issue before we form our opinions about it, which gives us next-level perspective over things. We can offer possible explanations and solutions for the struggles in life, and we’ll be there to support you as you make your way through them.

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Do you and your partner conform to traditional gender roles?

Less and less couples seem to follow the strict patterns set out in past generations, but there’s still enough attention on it that people give you a funny look when they find out you don’t follow the traditional paths. I’ll admit that I’ve been in heteronormative relationships myself, although they’re definitely not my favorite.

It’s more than just a personal preference, though – there are actually a bunch of reasons why being in a relationship with rigid expectations is so hard on you – and we’ve rounded up 8 of the biggest.

Gender roles make things a lot less interesting.

When you’re dating someone, you want to be dazzled and surprised, right? Well, gender roles take out quite a bit of the mystery involved, making the whole relationship a lot less exciting. It applies a rigid set of rules for each partner, even if one of the partners doesn’t understand or accept the expectations set forth. What’s even creepier is the fact that it promotes obedience and conformity over personality and individuality. Which, let’s face it, are two of the most important things in a partner. Do you really want to be with someone who’s exactly like everyone else?

That’s not to say that you can’t do the traditionally-expected roles in your relationship – and, in fact, it might be the easiest and most fitting option for you and your partner. But it shouldn’t be an expectation – it should be a serious personal decision from each of you. If you’re simply expecting your partner to perform a certain set of duties, without discussing your expectations, there’s a problem. Your partner needs to confirm that they are able and willing to meet your expectations, or else help come up with a compromise that makes you both happy.

Gender roles invalidate autonomy.

None of the roles we play in life are actually permanent or well-defined – but as humans we try to make sense of the chaos, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is to grab onto a definition that’s already out there, and ride it out until we know otherwise. But just because that’s the easiest way to do it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it – and, in fact, everything in life is involved by everyone directly involved, and literally no one else. Your love life and your home life are no exception here.

Automatically applying gender roles to a relationship takes away the opportunity for a serious conversation about each partner’s likes, dislikes, and expectations in the relationship. You may find out that you both have specific roles you want to perform in the relationship, and that those roles are complementary – great! But if you don’t ever talk about it, you’ll never actually know if your partner is happy. And, if you never revisit those roles when situations change, you may be forcing your partner into a box they’ve outgrown, which is never fun for anyone.

Gender roles are heteronormative AF.

While gender roles are not really great for any relationship, they are definitely more disadvantageous to those who don’t fit within the traditional male/female relationship binary balance. Relationships that involve two men, two women, or any other combination of two or more people are already set back from the time they leave the gate, because the natural balance of things won’t be well-defined at all.

The truth is that very few, if any, romantic or sexual relationships can be fit into such a tight mold, even in the cishetero community. Allowing gender roles to run your relationship normalizes “polar opposite” behavior, which leaves room for resentment and frustration from any partner who doesn’t fit the outlines set out for them. And, of course, it unnecessarily genders things that really don’t need to be gendered. I mean, just think about it for a second: If gender roles were real, lesbians would spend all day cuddling and crying, and gay male couples would spend all day fighting and having sex – every single day. Doesn’t sound too realistic now, does it?

Gender roles place barriers on self-improvement.

It’s human nature to want to be a better version of ourselves whenever and in whatever ways we can, but the idea that we fit into a specific role that was predefined before we were even born takes away our mental abilities to make ourselves better. Society says that women (and “more feminine” partners) should be tidy and organized, culinary goddesses, and – of course – that they should be caring and nurturing every minute of every day. Men (and “more masculine” partners), on the other hand, are expected to be shot-callers, income-bringers, and aggressive protectors – without ever acknowledging their own emotions.

But, the perfect partner is all of those things and so much more. The only issue here is that perfection should be a personal journey – not a stipulation one must adhere to before your love is given. Life doesn’t actually come with an easy-to-understand instruction manual, and our journeys toward being a good partner, a good person, and even a good parent (if we so choose) are all separate journeys. They each deserve their own attention, and trying to let your relationship define all three journeys for you leaves no room for what you really want. Again, if the things you want are defined by a traditional structure, then more power to you, but you must reach that conclusion for yourself.

Emotions get manipulated and assumed within the roles.

In a traditional binary relationship, the more masculine partner gets all the control, while being discouraged from being “soft.” Expressions of one’s emotions are seen as a weakness, with the exception of anger and aggression. It assumes that what the more masculine partner says goes, because there’s no way that the partner’s emotions could be getting in the way of things.

The more feminine partner, on the other hand, is discouraged from showing any sort of aggression or frustration – and it’s assumed that stress is just a part of the partner’s life, to be swallowed and dealt with alone. Requesting help is frowned on, too, because this partner is supposed to be the one taking requests and demands, not handing them out. If she does request help, it’s often seen as “nagging.”

But humans don’t usually fall into such strict definitions, as we’ve already discussed. Holding back your emotions isn’t good for everyone, and traditional gender roles are built around the idea of keeping your emotions to yourself. Communication is such an important part of any relationship, it’s hard to picture how anyone could be happy without that line of communication being open!

Gender roles favor one person indefinitely.

Remember when we said that your roles in life are not permanent or well-defined? Well, that means that those roles are bound to change at some point – either circumstantially or through clarifications. Your “place” in the relationship needs to be flexible to make up for those changes, or else the relationship will fall apart right when you need each other the most. If the “breadwinner” in the family gets injured and can’t work, will the “nurturer” be able to pick up the pieces and take over that section of your lives together?

The idea that your roles are pre-defined and inflexible also leads to feelings of resentment and frustration, even if there’s never a major crisis on the horizon. We tend to resent things we feel like we “have to” do – which takes all the romance out of otherwise-loving gestures. Because, believe it or not, doing something that makes your partner happy is pretty much the most loving gesture you can possibly do, but they need to go both directions.

Gender roles kill your sex life, too.

Too much rigidity and structure in the bedroom is no fun for anyone – one of the best parts about a healthy sexual relationship is excitement and a willingness to try new things. When one partner is expected to do more of the “giving” and the other partner more of the “receiving” – with no attention paid to actual desire levels – your sexual relationship can start to veer toward super unhealthy behaviors, fast.

Beyond that, one partner’s needs and wants should never be more important than the others, so assuming that your partner only needs sex when you need sex, or that they always want it when you want it, will inevitably lead to a sex life that feels more like a chore than an intimate act. (And, for those of you who didn’t know, most studs like orgasms, too. Make sure you spread that one around because a lot of women don’t even bother to try.)

TBH, very few people actually enjoy cleaning.

One of the most frustrating gender roles I personally deal with regularly is the idea of cooking and cleaning. Some people truly are tidy, well-organized, and keep a spotless living area. They easily squeeze in the cleaning in between everything else they have going on, and literally never put off cleaning up after themselves and their partners. I am not one of those people. Cooking and cleaning are not very high up on my list of priorities, but things do get done. If I was with a partner who expected me to do all the housework without any help, it would never work out.

When both partners have commitments outside of the home – whether work, school, volunteer activities, or whatever else you may have going on – time is already pretty limited. Not only do you need to fit in your not-home activities, but you’ve also got to leave time for yourself and to focus on your relationship, too. When all the household expectations fall to one partner, there are sacrifices that must be made to compensate for that time. Why should one partner’s time be more valuable than the other’s? Adulting sucks – but dumping all the burden on one person sucks more.

Quick show of hands: Who has sat by and watched as their BFF invested her whole life into this one person who couldn’t have been more wrong for her? Most people have seen someone else showing signs that they’re in a dysfunctional relationship. They fight all the time, maybe they even break up every other week… Yet still they’re together for what seems like ages, each too stubborn to let the other one go.

Now, are you ready for a little bit of ugly truth? You’ve probably been one of those people, too. Everyone has different tolerances in relationships, and there are a number of factors that make someone more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Believe it or not, some of those things don’t spell out ultimate destruction, either – it is possible to be the soul mate to a narcissistic partner. Some people are more conditioned to be OK with that type of behavior. But everyone has their own boundaries, of course, and different situations will breed different coping mechanisms.

Curious how to make it work? Find the scenario that you feel applies best to you, and discover what that means for the future of your relationship.

You feel comfortable with your partner’s behavior.

To outsiders, your partner seems completely wrong for you. Maybe she’s mean, aggressive, needy, or otherwise not a good fit. But, to you, it’s all part of the dating game – you’ve got a pretty good handle on diffusing a hostile situation.

Or maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe you’re actually the narcissist, choosing to express yourself through passive-aggressive quips when it’s just the two of you. Your partner gets frustrated by your inability to show your anger in a productive way, and occasionally lashes out at you. While onlookers see this as abusive behavior, you two see that your partner is actually helping you find ways to better handle your emotions.

This situation can essentially be summed up as “other people don’t know the whole story.” The people who aren’t involved with your relationship usually can’t see what goes on behind closed doors (unless you’re the type to post your business on social media, but that’s another discussion for another day.) If you become concerned with the situation you’re in, professional relationship counseling may be a good choice for you – but you shouldn’t do it solely on other people’s recommendation. Only you know what you can handle, and only you know what’s really going on here. Act accordingly.

You’re used to fighting and then making up.

Some people are conditioned to be more OK with the fight/make up cycle than others. Whether you had parents or guardians who fought and loved passionately, or you personally react that way in relationships, you may be better equipped to handle the stresses that come with a yo-yo love like this. In fact, you are probably most comfortable in a relationship with someone who somehow reminds you of the person or people who raised you – it’s a psychological fact.

On the other side of things, you understand that everyone gets selfish and narcissistic sometimes – and that definitely includes you. You can see that your partner just needs a little more love (or a bit of distance, as appropriate), and you’re willing to help your partner come back around. For most people, narcissism is a temporary state, and it will pass in time – it only becomes a problem if it’s the default state of your relationship.

In this type of situation, it’s important that you each have your own established set of boundaries that you can both agree to. A true loving partnership entails that each partner wants to make the other happy, without sacrificing pieces of themselves in the process. If necessary, you may choose to turn to professional counseling to ensure that you’re taking the healthiest steps you can in your relationship.

You have learned to detach yourself from other people’s bad behavior.

In life, we learn how to set effective emotional boundaries – and that means removing blame on yourself for something that didn’t really have anything to do with you. It’s possible that you have managed to do this without consciously thinking about it, which would make you less vulnerable in high-energy, high-stakes relationships like yours.

Or, maybe those boundaries didn’t come into play until after you’d gotten with your ill-behaved partner. Understanding why they act the way they do can help you to distance yourself from the negativity, especially if there are mental illness issues to blame for the bad behavior. It’s not fail-proof, of course, but practicing acknowledging your own behavior and that of your partners – and seeing clear lines between the two – can help to cultivate the skill further.

However, just because you’re properly shielded against the hurt your partner’s behavior may cause doesn’t automatically mean that you shouldn’t seek help from a professional counselor, if that’s what you feel you need. In many cases, mental health issues can’t be managed without the help of a trained professional, and it’s a good idea to rule out any chance of unhealthy behaviors on your part, as well. In order for this approach to be effective, however, you’ll both need to be on board with the idea of therapy – you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.

You might just be codependent.

Unfortunately, not all relationships with a narcissist are meant to last – even if they do. Some people are in a chronic state of unromantic behavior, and you might be sitting by and enabling their bad behavior to continue. It’s important to assess within yourself if your relationship is really bringing you any happiness, or if it only causes you pain.

Likewise, it’s possible that you’re overlooking your own narcissistic behavior, and your partner is a codependent enabler. Narcissists are often drawn to codependent people because they often accept and even encourage the narcissistic behaviors – particularly if their parents or guardians set the tone for them sacrificing their own sense of self in a relationship.

If you feel there’s any chance that your relationship is codependent rather than romantic, it’s recommended that you each seek individual counseling to help mend any underlying problems. It might not be possible to save this relationship you’re currently in, but the sooner you address your codependence issues, the better the chances of avoiding a disaster in the making. You should never put yourself on the back burner to someone else, nor should you want your partner to put themselves on the back burner for you – it’s important that you both put yourselves first without sacrificing each other. You’re worth it – and she is, too.

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