Two lesbians meet. They move in with each other immediately. They stop having sex. They adopt eleven cats.

Chances are, you’ve heard a similar version of the lesbian love story above, and chances are, you’ve done a double take. What’s that part about not having sex?

The myth of Lesbian Bed Death (LBD) is pervasive and damaging. Legend has it – and it is just a legend – that lesbians in long-term relationships stop having sex anywhere from the three-month mark to the two-year mark, and they never regain that sexual spark. They become roommates, not lovers.

Where did this myth come from?

The idea of Lesbian Bed Death has been around for centuries. Actually, no it hasn’t. Until the 1980s, no one had even heard of LBD, and lesbians around the world had no idea that they were supposed to be scared of celibacy.

The idea comes from a book called American Couples by Pepper Schwartz. In the book, Schwartz examines the sex lives of heterosexual and homosexual couples and concludes that lesbians have the least sex. Schwartz claims that fifty percent of lesbians in relationships lasting longer than two years have sex once a month or less.

Researchers who have tried to replicate Schwartz’s study have had mixed results. Some researchers claim that lesbians do in fact have less sex than other couples, while other studies show that lesbians have the same amount of sex as heterosexual couples – or even more sex!

What are the flaws of Schwartz’s research?

Schwartz’s research should not be taken as gospel, and yet many lesbians do, fearing that the end of their sexual lives is right around the corner.

It’s outdated.

First – and this is not a flaw so much as a cold fact – Schwartz’s research was conducted in the 1980s, over thirty years ago, when lesbians were forced into the closet at higher rates than they are today. Not only was Schwartz’s sample size determinedly small, but one must also wonder how, with the invention of digital porn and the increase in resources for queer women, lesbian sexual habits have changed.

Lesbian sex is confusing.

Secondly, the definition of sex for women who love women is vague. Some women have been raised to believe that sex is purely insertive – penis into vagina – so all non-penetrative sex between women isn’t really truly “sex.” Other women believe that oral sex counts as sex, and some women believe that there must be clitoral play. This ambiguity makes it difficult to do any solid research.

Some women are quiet about their sex lives.

Finally, women are often raised to be ashamed of sex and sexuality, so all studies bear the risk of under-reporting when it comes to sex.

So what is the truth?

The truth is that it’s complicated. Some lesbian couples have sex more than others. The sexual frequency of your relationship doesn’t depend on statistics – it depends on you. It depends on the libidos of you and your partner.

And it depends on how much effort you put into your sex life. Don’t take your girlfriend for granted.

Learn how to think your way into a good sex life, make sure your habits aren’t killing your sex life and learn scientific hacks that could improve your sex life. If you’d like to know more about the original American Couples study, check out this article.

Every day we are bombarded by the media that everyone is enjoying perfect sex with perfect unity resulting in perfect orgasms. But the truth is that’s not real life! Many women find it hard to orgasm, some women only orgasm occasionally and others have never orgasmed at all. There are many other things to enjoy while having sex and achieving orgasm is just a bonus, not the one and only focus. So here are 8 other reasons that explains why the big ‘O’ is not the most important thing between the sheets.

Being Intimate

Intimacy is so much more important than an orgasm. It’s what makes us feel emotionally and physically close to our partner, the feel of their skin against yours and the pleasure we get from exploring our partner’s bodies. Enjoy the intimacy and take in your partner’s whole body, not just worry about the genital area.

Feeling Pressured

If from the first kiss the moment you start to get passionate your brain starts to think ‘I need to orgasm’ then you are putting yourself and your partner under unnecessary and unhelpful pressure. Besides this, you are very unlikely to orgasm if your mind is thinking the whole time that you must because then you won’t be relaxed enough to enjoy the experience. Even if you don’t orgasm you will still have a good time so stop pressurizing yourself.

Desire

Sometimes it’s enough to just know that your partner desires you, wants to please you and think you are sexy as hell. That can be an amazing feeling and does wonders for the self-esteem so if you do orgasm at the end of it it’s a double bonus, but if you don’t you will still be sexy and desirable to your partner, so all is good.

No Orgasm Is Better Than Faking It

Some women think their partner will feel useless if they do not orgasm and so therefore they will fake one rather than let them think they are no good in bed. This is not healthy in a relationship at all. IF your partner finds out she won’t feel good about it because a relationship should be based on honesty and pretending to cum when you haven’t isn’t really being honest, is it?

Dirty Talk

Talking dirty to your partner can be a turn on for both of you. It’s something you can pretty much do any time any place. You can send her a text at work, whisper in her ear when you are out together or even put sexy notes in her bag. There is something quite thrilling about dirty talk and can be a major turn on without the need of even touching.

Enjoy Your Partner’s Big ‘O’

Try not to feel envious if your partner manages to orgasm and you don’t. Enjoy her pleasure and feel good that you took her there. Sex can be enjoyed in so many ways and knowing you drive your partner mad with desire is something to feel good about, regardless if you orgasm yourself or not.

Play Time

Bringing play into the bedroom can be tremendous fun, whether it’s handcuffs, blindfolds, ice cubes or feathers, all can give a great deal of sensory pleasure and evoke sensations that are enjoyable.

Being Together

Many couples will say the best times they have had with their partner is when they are doing things like watching a movie together, doing silly things like having a water fight or simply just eating pizza and watching a box set. Most of our best memories are not based on the best orgasm we had.

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It’s surprising how many women feel self-conscious about receiving oral sex and some feel so uncomfortable they choose not to take part in oral sex at all. There appears to be a variety of reasons why women are self-conscious about it. Some women worry they won’t taste good, or their vagina doesn’t look ‘normal’ or they might not smell nice to their partner when they are ‘down there.’ But the truth of the matter is most women know that vagina’s come in all different shapes and sizes, there is no ‘perfect looking’ vagina at all. Women also have a unique taste and smell when aroused, again this is normal and your partner is not even thinking about these things while she is intent on giving you pleasure.

If you enjoy giving oral sex and it’s only receiving it that you find uncomfortable try to remember how you feel about giving it. Are you thinking your partner smells funny or thinking about the shape or size of her vagina? The answer is probably no, so it’s important for you to remember that she is not going to be thinking any differently than you do when she performs on you! So, if you have any of these doubts and worries that stop you from enjoying oral sex, don’t panic. We have some tips to help you overcome your insecurities.

Tell Your Partner How You Feel

Before attempting anything, it is vital you talk to your partner. Tell her how you feel and what your worries are. Be open and honest. She will probably help put your mind at rest when she tells you that she’s only interested in giving you pleasure and focuses on that point only and nothing else crosses her mind.

Learn To Relax

Firstly, it’s important to be relaxed. Relaxation techniques and exercises can really help you with this. Yoga is one example, or meditation. Our brains tend to overthink when we are not feeling relaxed so getting into the practise of relaxing is half the battle. Start learning to feel completely relaxed through whatever technique suits you best as once you master this it will be easier for the next stage.

Clear Your Mind

OK, this can be easier said than done, but with a bit of practise it is easy to achieve. Try to focus on what you are feeling, don’t let negative thoughts slip into your head. The best way to clear your mind is when you start to have thoughts creep in, take some silent deep breaths and count in your head, one for breathing in, two for breathing out. This way you are training your mind to focus on what you want it to focus on and not allowing your mind to run away with itself. It won’t take long for the pleasurable feelings you are having to push all other thoughts out of your mind and this takes you promptly to the next step.

Concentrate On The Sensations

Come on. It feels good, right? So, go with the flow.  Allow yourself to enjoy what is happening. Let yourself drift with the feelings of pleasure and relax enough so you can enjoy them. If you are relaxed, can clear your mind of negative thoughts and doubts then enjoying the sensation is the final step to take you to the point that you want to achieve.

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Let’s face it, there are many different ways we achieve orgasm. Through clitoral stimulation, g-spot stimulation, through dreams, with a partner, when alone and nots let forget the ones we sometimes fake. Because we have all done that at some point if we’re honest!

But the female orgasm is something of a wonder. There is no biological reason we orgasm; its sole purpose is to give us pleasure. Which means we should definitely celebrate this natural wonder.

Here are five reasons women should give a toast to the natural wonder we all have the ability to achieve.

More Woman Achieve Orgasms Today Than They Did 20 Years Ago

During the 1990’s a study called The National Health and Social Life Survey was published by researchers in Chicago. The study found that 75 percent of men were having orgasms consistently with their partners, while women were only having consistent orgasms 29 percent of the time with their partners.

Move forwards to 2015 and a study carried out by Skyn Condoms found that 89 percent of women have experienced orgasm during sex. This could be due to devices such as the vibrator, but it still shows that women are enjoying far more orgasms today than they did twenty years ago.

We Are Able To Help Ourselves To Better Orgasms

Women are now much more aware of what makes them come, probably due to the fact we masturbate more and use sex toys. In fact, a study conducted by Cosmopolitan found that women were very aware of what prevented them from orgasm. Women claimed it was because of lack of clitoral stimulation, the clitoral stimulation given was not the right kind needed and some women even said it was because of mental blocks or because they were too worried about how they looked during sex.

We Can Achieve Multiple Orgasms Without The Need To Take A Break

Multiple Orgasms, oh yeah! Luckily for women we don’t need to wait a while to become aroused again. Our orgasms can happen over and over again simultaneously. Surely this is something to definitely be grateful for?

Females Also Orgasm During Sleep

It’s a myth that only men achieve the ‘wet dream’ during sleep. Women do as well. Plus, some studies have proven that these types of orgasm during our sleeping hours can be even more intense than the ones during our waking hours. And don’t forget we can have sex with whomever we like in our dreams without feeling like we’ve cheated on our boo or did something bad. Power to women’s erotic dreams.

Women Enjoy Mutual Masturbation Which Is Satisfying And Risk Free

Women are also quite happy to mutually masturbate with their partners. Not only is this a good way to discover your partner’s bodies and what they like in order to achieve orgasm, it’s also a good way to bond and feel close to your partner. And let’s not forget there is no risk of STD’s if you are only touching your own genitals and not your partners. Mutual masturbation is an all-round winner, surely?

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A new study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the theory that if you actually believe in the relationship you’re in, the sex you have and your sex life as a whole will be that much more rewarding. After conducting six different studies with around 2,000 people, researchers found people who truly believe in sexual growth are the happiest and the most sexually satisfied in their relationships.

So the clue is believing in your relationship and your sex life apparently. However, that isn’t really as simple as it sounds to be honest. It’s hard to believe in a relationship and everything that goes with it if you are going through a difficult time, isn’t it?

But according to one of the authors if the study, Jessica Maxwell, going through issues is a normal part of all relationships and shouldn’t stop you from still thinking positively about it. She writes:

We know that disagreements in the sexual domain are somewhat inevitable over time. Your sex life is like a garden, and it needs to be watered and nurtured to maintain it.”

Many people do believe in the power of positive thinking so perhaps there really is some truth in this latest research. Plus, thinking positively is good in all areas of our lives not just in our relationship and let’s not forget that thinking positively means we are confident that things can be dealt with and sorted out so in a way these findings do make perfect sense.

Well then girls, if you want better sex, believe in the relationship you are in and the sex will automatically be better. I wonder if it’s possible to think our way to good orgasms? Now there’s a thought…

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When you’ve broken up with your boo the first person we usually turn to is our best friend.

She’s there to dry our tears, agree with us that your boo was a first rate bitch, she’ll binge watch romantic comedies with you and basically support you through the heartbreak. But what happens when our emotions confuse this support and care and we start to think of our best friend in another way?

After a break-up we do feel lonely, neglected and unwanted. It’s our best friends that fill the void in our hearts for the next few months.

We yearn for comfort and this is what we get. During this vulnerable period, it’s really easy to confuse friendship feelings for romantic feelings and our good judgement flies out the window quicker than a bar of chocolate flies into our stomachs.

The minute we start to think of our friends romantically the friendship boundaries get really murky. Does it mean we’ve become friends with benefits? Are we dating? Are there now things we can’t tell her as a friend because we’ve started having sex together?

These are just a few things that naturally goes through our heads when we blur friendship and romantic boundaries.

The biggest problem though is what happens to our friendship afterwards? Most rebound hook ups never last long term as we normally only have them to make ourselves feel better and to prove to ourselves we are worthy of love and affection.

But we can’t turn back time and we potentially run the risk of losing our best friend forever over something that could so easily have been avoided.

It’s true that some friendships can survive something like this and perhaps you and your best friend could be good together in a relationship, but even if this is the case, getting involved in a relationship when your heart has been split in two is no basis for a healthy, long term relationship anyway.

So if you find yourself in this situation and you are looking at your BFF in a different way since you split with your current boo, take a step back. Think of what you could lose if it all gets messy. Imagine the worst case scenario. You lose your best friend forever.

Perhaps in a few months when your heart as healed and you still have these feelings for your friend then there might well be something in it. But you will be looking at it with a clear mind and with your emotions in order.

Just think before you leap – it’ll be worth it in the long run.

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According to science, 70% of vaginas have a breed of bacteria called Lactobacillus, which produces lactic acid to keep a neutral pH level.

This bacteria also exists in your gut and works as a probiotic which can affect a range of health issues from allergies to Alzheimer’s

Broadly approached a doctor on the subject to ask whether performing oral sex could help benefit your immune system, and Dr Helena Mendes-Soares confirmed it could be a possibility.

I think it would be possible, but probably unlikely. I don’t know of any study that addressed it.”

To fully work as a probiotic fluid produced by the vagina would have to contain enough good bacteria to take an effect. It would also have to safely travel to the lower intestine without being effected by stomach acid.

According to Dr. Mendes-Soares, there are about 100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells per gram of vaginal fluid.

That means to experience any probiotic affects from its properties, anywhere between 10g and 10 kg of vaginal fluid would have to be digested.

Dr Medes-Soares also warned that the intake of probity would be affected by contamination.

There would also be a transmission of the other current members of the community both the beneficial and harmful ones.”

Here at KitschMix, we want to help you have the best sex of your life. But what happens if new positions and toys aren’t getting the job done? Sometimes, the reasons for your mediocre sex life are so simple, you’ll wonder why you weren’t already doing them. I’m here to share 10 of those reasons with you today – how many can you add into your routine?

Relax!

A ten-minute meditation session every day can do wonders for your life. It puts you in a state of calm, and helps teach you how to focus on one thing at a time. But, did you know that it can also make your sex life better? As someone who’s been practicing meditation every day for the past six weeks, I’ll personally vouch for this one: Meditating in the morning makes your nighttime activities just a bit more satisfying.

That’s not just my opinion, though. According to a study by Canada’s University of British Columbia and Israel’s Hadassah University Hospital, women were more receptive to erotic imagery (specifically, porn) after meditating than they were before meditating. I recommend giving a brief daily meditation a try – even if you’re not looking for the sex life boost it promises.

Check out J Marie’s post about couple’s meditation if you want to get your partner in on it too.

Read something naughty.

There’s a reason why so many women buy romance novels – and I don’t think they’re all doing it to pass the time until they meet their prince(ss) charming. We are highly imaginative creatures, and reading erotica helps train your brain to visualize your fantasies. Think of it like a guided meditation that you keep your eyes open for.

According to sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, erotic literature can quickly jump-start the arousal process. Of course, the quality of the stories you read is going to come into play, too, but once you’ve trained yourself to fantasize better, the shortcomings of the less-than-great stories starts to fade away a little. Give it a shot with some of these stories on Nifty, or head to your local adult store to pick up some paperbacks.

Have sweaty post-workout sex.

The benefits of regular exercise remain undisputed – it helps increase blood flow, boosts your energy and stamina, and keeps you limber. All of these things are amazing for your sex life as it is, but did you know that exercise also raises your dopamine levels and your self-esteem? Dopamine is the brain chemical responsible for feelings of happiness, and we all know that happy sex is the best sex. Some women can even have an orgasm from exercise alone!

According to Janet Hyde, PhD, University of Wisconsin-Madison psychology and women’s studies professor, “After 35 to 40 minutes of moderate exercise, everything in your body is going right. Your blood is circulating, your nervous system is firing, so scheduling sex right after you exercise makes for good sex.” And, according to Judith R. Gerber, PhD, “The less exercise [women 45-55 years old] got, the lower their desire and sexual satisfaction.”

If you don’t think you have time to exercise, check out this list of exercises you can do in less than 10 minutes per day.

Pop a multivitamin.

While we all know that nutrition is important to our health, overall, most people resist eating healthier – whether because they can’t afford it (Why are salads so damn expensive anyway? They’re over 90% water!) or because they don’t enjoy it. In fact, most people aren’t getting nearly enough nutrients from food alone – but a multivitamin might help, especially if it has a high folate and iron content.

According to Tufts University researcher Martha Morris, PhD, “Low folate levels can make you feel tired, with no energy for sex.” And, according to Swiss researcher Bernard Favrat, MD, low iron levels kill your neurotransmitters – sinking your energy levels even lower. The daily recommended amount of iron is 18mg and folate 400mg – so make sure your multivitamin contains at least that much of each, just to be sure.

Get a massage (from a professional).

As great as a good rub-down from your partner can be, there’s a reason the professionals still have a job: They go to school to learn exactly where to touch your body to make you feel the best. Don’t worry about the cost – you don’t need to splurge on an hour-long session. Even a quick 10-minute back massage will do wonders. (And, of course, your partner can help fill in between spa appointments.)

Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First, says “The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin. The more oxytocin is released, the more desire a woman will feel.” And, just think about how sexy you feel when your partner rubs you down – now imagine that she was actually a trained professional instead of a hobby-amateur, and just picture how much sexier you could feel. Have you made your appointment yet?

Use the power of scent.

Certain smells have the power to increase blood flow, which makes the body a lot more receptive to arousal triggers. Pumpkin pie and lavender scents increase the blood flow by about 11%, while cucumber, licorice, and baby powder increase the blood flow by about 13%. The numbers might be small, but since you’ll be increasing blood flow in the most sensitive areas of your body, you don’t need big numbers – just a small increase will be amazing.

Essential oils can be particularly helpful, especially when you know the right blends to use. Jasmine, rose, and sandalwood are traditional aphrodisiacs that have been used for hundreds of years to increase sexual satisfaction, and these days you can get an aromatherapy diffuser online for reasonably cheap. I personally use this one from GuruNanda, but the specific brand doesn’t really matter. You need to enjoy the scents you choose, though, or they’ll just be a distraction.

Talk to your doctor about getting off any unnecessary medications.

I think it’s well-known that anti-depressants, especially SSRIs like Prozac and Zoloft, decrease sexual desire – and, according to Andrew Goldstein, MD, of the Sexual Wellness Center in Annapolis, Maryland, they might be the number-one cause of anorgasmia, or the inability to orgasm. Shorter-acting SSRIs like Zoloft and SNRIs like Effexor might be safe to skip a dose every now and then to minimize their effects on your sex life. Wellbutrin helps raise dopamine levels, instead of dropping them, so it may be an option for those who have had bad side effects from other anti-depressants.

No matter which medications you’re taking, you need to talk to your doctor before lowering or stopping your current treatment option – there may be unpleasant side-effects or even withdrawals. It might be awkward to bring this one up with your doctor – especially if you’ve got a doctor that’s not very LGBT-friendly. (It makes me sad how many of them there still are.) But just because the conversation is awkward doesn’t mean that you can skip it – save yourself the potential disaster and make sure your doctor gives their OK.

Focus (possibly with the help of a DHEA supplement).

While meditation, mentioned above, can help improve your focus, women naturally have overactive brains. That’s probably why we’re at higher risk of contracting anxiety disorders, and why it’s hard to “wind down” to get ready for sex sometimes. Creating a safe haven that you feel comfortable in can help, but if that’s not enough, you might have trouble producing DHEA. This naturally-occuring sex hormone declines over time, and while its effectiveness hasn’t been verified by science, it is naturally produced by your body just before an orgasm. Usually.

When your body doesn’t produce enough DHEA, you can’t really appreciate the sex you’re having, because you never reach that “almost there” moment that feels so damn good. But taking a supplement that contains DHEA might help trick your body into thinking you don’t have an issue producing it on your own. Again, this information isn’t explicitly backed up by scientific research, but there is a natural connection between the two – so if you’re having trouble, it might be worth trying a supplement.

Work with what you’ve got.

Most women fall into a category that Emily Nagoski calls “responsive desire” – but if your partner falls into a second category, called “spontaneous desire,” it’s likely that she doesn’t know you need a little more time to warm up. If you love and trust your partner, you can probably let her get started before you’re in the mood, and chances are good that you’ll get there before she’s done with you. (Just remember to gently nudge her in the right direction – she might not know that your arousal style isn’t the same as hers.)

If you haven’t built up that level of trust with your partner yet, there is still another option: Be a self-starter! That is, take a few minutes to start pleasuring yourself and get the ball rolling. Doing this in front of your partner can be incredibly sexy, and you already know what gets your motor running – why not make things a little easier on both of you?

Keep it simple.

Most importantly, you need to remember that it’s okay to keep things simple. You don’t need a fancy toy or a wild position or some skimpy lingerie to have a good time. You also don’t need an activity that lasts all night – most people are satisfied with about 13 minutes of sexual activity. Since the average lesbian sex session lasts about 45 minutes, you’ve probably got it handled more than you think you do.

If you’re trying too hard to get in the mood, you’re not going to get in the mood. (It’s sad, but true.) You’re only going to stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on it. Instead, make peace with the fact that, some days, you’re just not going to be feeling it – and that’s perfectly okay. Don’t try to force it. Sex shouldn’t be a chore – it should be an act of intimacy!

Long-term relationships are great. Not only do you get the comfort of knowing that the person by your side has been there through the rough moments, and still cares about you, but you’ve also got a good rhythm going – you basically know what each other likes, and you know how to be comfortable with each other. There’s no pressure for “good sex,” because you know you’ll have another shot the next time. Even better, you know there will be a next time.

But feeling too comfortable can be a disaster, and mediocre sex is boring as hell.

How can you keep the spice alive, without pushing yourself too hard, or – yikes – pulling a muscle? Try these 10 simple tips and let us know how they work out for you.

(Sometimes, the little things do make all the difference.)

1. Start with a sizzle that leads into an explosion.

Even though sexting might seem a little juvenile, it doesn’t have to be. With practice, you can perfect your sexting game so that it sets everything else into motion. And it doesn’t have to be super dirty, either – you can keep things classy while still getting your partner’s motor running. Purr.

In fact, if you’re looking to start a sexting inferno with your long-term partner, simple and classy is the way to go. Stick with messages that would seem innocent to outsiders – not that your partner should be sharing your private text conversations – and skip anything that would make you blush if you said it out loud. (Trust me, that nervousness comes through in the texts to your partner, and it will seem forced. Because it is.)

The best part of sexting is the tease, so take an “inside joke” approach and forego the pictures and dirty words. Trust us on this one – you don’t need to be vulgar to be sexy.

2. Include a sexy scalp massage as part of your warm-up.

Even among couples who give each other sensual massages (TBH, it’s the #1 way to get me in the mood), the scalp tends to get ignored a bit. After all, your scalp isn’t sexy, so the closest most of us get is a bit of hair-pulling when things get rough. But what if you’re not trying to have rough sex – you’re just trying to have passionate sex?

Any type of massage will undeniably beat some of the stress and tension that’s been building up, but the scalp has a ton of nerve endings that probably don’t get stimulated nearly as often as they should. And, since those nerve endings are so close to the brain, the effects they give off are super intense. Plus, scalp massages just feel good – so why not treat your partner?

You can even bring scalp massages into your solo sessions – it just takes a little practice. Give it a shot, and let us know how it worked out for you.

3. Get into that vacation mindset.

If you’ve ever had “vacation sex,” I don’t have to tell you how awesome it is. (And, if you haven’t had vacation sex before… Let me tell you… There is something magical about literally leaving all the stress and distraction behind.) But, sadly, given the current global economy… Most of us can’t afford to go on vacay every time we want some hot action.

Instead, set the mood at home – either in your guest bedroom, or in a cheap motel – and get ready to reap the benefits of vacation sex without the bills. If you’re a little more well-off financially, you can rent a room for the night – or for an hour or two! – and go to town. But, if not, go to a room that isn’t connected with your stress and daily life, and get busy.

(Just make sure you’re ready for the neighbors to hear – vacation sex is that much better.)

4. Share the fantasies she stars in.

I’m sure you’ve got your fair share of fantasies rolling around in your mind – we all have some that would make us blush if anyone ever heard. But instead of telling your partner what you dream of doing with Ruby Rose or Ellen Page or whatever celebrity you’re crushing on at the moment, make your partner the star of your fantasies – or, at least the ones you share with her.

Was there one particular night you still remember in vivid detail? Talk to her about it, and make it happen again! Sharing the things that got your fire burning can increase the chances of them happening again, and it makes your partner feel good about herself. You’re both winners here.

(If you haven’t had any particularly hot sexcapades yet, make one up – just make sure she’s still the star. Most women don’t want to hear about what you’d do to someone else. Unless I’m wrong and your girlfriend is one of the women who are turned on by that. Make sure you check with her first.)

5. Enjoy a gentle breeze – inside or out.

The feeling of a cool breeze against your naked skin is arguably one of the sexiest feelings in the world – and if your bedroom has a window in it (most do), you’re already halfway there. Open the window and let the risk of being overheard fuel your fire. You can close the curtains, if you’d like, but you want to feel that cool tingle.

If you’re especially brave or adventurous, consider taking your tryst outside. The extra thrill of knowing that you could be caught – even if your back yard is well hidden – can make it extra intense. Your neighbors are definitely going to hear, but that’s okay. Just make sure you wait until after dark.

(And, it probably goes without saying, but public sex is illegal in many places, so please make sure you know what your local regulations are.)

6. Head to the freezer for some intense stimulation.

Did you know that icy cold sensations stimulate the same parts of your nervous system as sexual arousal? It’s no coincidence that your nipples get hard for both – the two are super ingrained. (And, on that subject, have you ever had ice cubes rubbed on your nipples? If you’re even remotely interested in nipple play, I highly recommend you give it a shot.)

Be warned, though – that icy-cold sensation might be a bit too intense for some people, so start by incorporating it into a sensual massage. Rubbing it over the not-explicitly-sensual parts of your partner’s body is a safer bet, and if it interests you, slowly amp up the intensity by moving to even more sensitive areas.

Understand your limits, and your partner’s, and make sure you’re not pushing the ice too far – it can be really, really intense.

7. Act like teenagers. (No, really.)

If you want to bring back that sexy, forbidden feeling you had when you first started exploring your sexuality, you need to act like you did back then. Keep your clothes on, and opt for an innocent-enough make-out session on the couch. Throw in a little bit of indirect stimulation, through the clothes, and all those sexy taboo vibes will come pouring in.

Don’t worry about “messing up” the couch, either – the goal is to keep your clothes on, until you absolutely can’t stand it. Then, you can make a mad dash to the bedroom (or the middle of the floor!) to finish the job. Or, if you’d prefer a little more teasing, try adding in a little bit of fantasy: Pretend that “your parents” will be coming home soon, and forbid each other from going under the clothes.

There’s something extra sexy about “sneaking around,” even when you no longer have to. And besides, dry humping is awesome.

8. Don’t be so weird about lube.

So many people I talk to treat lube like this big, weird deal. They (mistakenly) think that it’s just for older couples, or for gay men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. While older couples and gay men are more likely to use lube, that doesn’t mean it’s for them – a decent lubricant is a good investment for everyone.

Even for people whose bodies naturally produce enough lubrication to get the job done, a little extra can make things even more satisfying. That’s not just my opinion, though – there was actually an in-depth study about the connection between lubricant and sexual satisfaction. This study had over 2,500 female participants, so it’s not some tiny sample size. This is proven scientific fact.

For best results, keep your lube close enough that you don’t have to stop the action to get it. Trust me, if you have to walk across the room to grab the bottle, you’re not going to use it.

9. Skip the regular dirty talk.

Okay, maybe don’t skip it – dirty talk can be pretty awesome, after all – but change your approach. It seems silly, but narrating the things that your partner is doing to you – and adding how it makes you feel – is sexy as hell and will undoubtedly turn you both on a bit more. It helps confirm the things that feel good, and it encourages her to keep doing those things. Everybody wins.

More than just being sexy, though, narrating the things going on in your bed keeps you in the moment. It forces you to focus on what’s going on right this moment, rather than the things you want to happen next. Not that you shouldn’t help lead your partner in the right direction, but talking about what’s going on right now brings an all-new level of focus.

It’s like naked meditation… With a partner.

10. Switch up your routine with some “afterplay.”

We all know that foreplay is great – necessary, even – but did you know that it’s easier to try new things when you’re already in the mood? Afterplay takes the pressure away, because you’ve already “finished.” There’s no need to accomplish anything – no one’s going to be frustrated if they don’t have another orgasm. This is just “extra credit.”

According to sex educator Emily Nagoski, “Because you’re already aroused, you may find that certain moves can feel extra intense.” Your body is already loosened up, so to speak, and all your nerve endings are lit up – meaning that the slightest touch will be magnified a million times.

(Just don’t forget – the afterplay isn’t meant to replace foreplay… It’s just an additional measure to keep things going longer!)

Quick question: How much do you know about your sexual health? If you’re like most people, the subject of your sexual health pretty much starts and ends with STDs (and possibly pregnancy prevention, if you ever engage in cishetero sex). Realistically, though, your sexual health is deeply tied to the rest of your health, too – it’s unlikely that you’ll have a healthy sex life if you don’t live a healthy life overall. (Don’t just take my word for it, either – clinical sexologist Eric Garrison, MSc, has been a human sexuality expert since 1994, and he says that our sexual health is “linked intrinsically to our general health.”)

Of course, you don’t need to be a marathon runner, a yoga instructor, or a devout vegan to have a good sex life. (But it definitely doesn’t hurt.)

If you want to start making some small changes that will lead to a better sex life, try cutting back (or cutting out entirely) the following 9 habits. Then, let us know in the comments whether our tricks worked for you or not!

1. Your bedroom isn’t sexy.

I’m sure you’ve heard that your bedroom needs to help you feel calm, relaxed, and sleepy to fall asleep – and a similar idea is true for your sex life. If your bedroom is full of things that take you out of the mood, you’re not going to have a satisfying sexual experience. Your goal is to create a stimulating sexual environment – not one that’s full of distractions.

Clutter, pictures of people you’re not sexually attracted to (i.e. your mother, the leader of your nation, your little brother), and other distractions have a negative effect on your sexual desire and satisfaction. Additionally, doing work in your bedroom – even if not during sexy time – can trick your brain into thinking you don’t need to be sexy in there. But you totally should.

Quick, easy solution: Clean your damn room and make sure that you have a separate space for stressful activities. It seems like such a small change, but it really makes a difference. (And this is coming from someone who spent 6 months writing articles on my side of the bed, before I got my own office. Trust me. It makes a huge difference.)

2. You’re not in good shape.

Aerobic activity increases your stamina and your heart rate, both of which are essential for sexual satisfaction. Increased blood flow will make your heart healthier and increase the blood flow to your genitals, which increases your responsiveness to sexual activity. Not to mention, if you’re not satisfied with your appearance, you’re going to be self-conscious during your sexcapades, and that’s definitely not a sexy feeling. Aerobic activity helps you reach (or maintain) a healthy weight, and it makes you feel better about yourself.

Stretching activities, on the other hand, give you a leg-up (pun definitely intended) by helping increase your flexibility. If you’ve never had stretchy, flexible sex, you don’t even know what you’re missing out on. Plus, it’s a good idea to stretch before sex, anyway, because you can actually get seriously hurt if you try to get too kinky without warming your muscles up ahead of time. A few minutes of yoga and a good sensual massage can do wonders.

Quick, easy solution: Exercise more! Even a small increase every day, such as a ten-minute jog, a twenty-minute walk, or a five-minute stretch, will increase your sexual responsiveness and satisfaction. Just be sure you’re not pushing yourself too hard – it’s hard to get off when you’re exhausted.

3. You’re not getting enough sleep.

In the past few years, I’ve seen a huge surge in the amount of productivity tips out there. Maybe it’s because I never really cared before I started working from home, or maybe it’s because millennials are trying like hell to break out of the feelings of entitlement our parents placed on us. No matter what it is, one thing’s for sure: Most people aren’t getting enough sleep. In fact, the CDC says that sleep deprivation is a public health epidemic, with up to 70 million Americans suffering from chronic sleep problems. Yikes!

A lack of good sleep, no matter what the cause, can lead to a whole host of other health problems. It increases your stress and fatigue levels, and puts you at a higher risk for certain illnesses. It also decreases your libido and makes it harder to get in the mood in the first place – let alone stay in the mood long enough to have an orgasm.

Quick, easy solution: Make sure your bedroom is set up right for good sleep (and good sex), and make sure you’re leaving work at work. Having solid barriers between your personal and work lives helps to maintain work-life balance, and allows you to focus more of your attention on the task at hand – whether it’s your partner or your pillow.

4. You eat gassy foods.

It’s not fun to talk about gas and bloating when you’re trying to feel sexy, but in many ways, that’s exactly why you need to think about it then. There isn’t any scientific evidence that broccoli, beans, or other bloat-inducing foods are actually to blame for your lack of sex drive, but let’s think about it: How can you enjoy anything if you’re worried about gas… Especially if your partner has her hands or face right in the “blast zone?”

Okay, all jokes aside, being bloated isn’t fun or sexy, and it has the potential to be downright embarrassing – for both of you. Thankfully, you don’t have to let your diet dictate your sex life – just let your sex life dictate your diet. If that seems ridiculously simple, it’s because it is. Just avoid the unsexy foods (such as the ones that give you gas or bad breath) if you want to have sex. Simple.

Quick, easy solution: Relegate your “unsexy food days” to the days when you already won’t be having sex. Why risk the embarrassment when it’s literally that easy to prevent it?

5. You’re on medication.

Here’s one of the obvious ways that your sexual health ties into your general health: The medications you’re taking. Certain medications may cause a drop in libido, or other problems that make sexual activity a bit more difficult. In fact, an estimated 70% of inorgasmia (or the inability to have an orgasm) is caused by medications. However, current testing standards don’t require that drug manufacturers list the sexual side effects of their products, or even that they check for sexual side effects… So many companies don’t.

Antidepressants, especially those which contain SSIs (or selective serotonin inhibitors), are well-known for their connection with decreased sexual desire, but they’re not the only ones that can cause problems. For example, did you know that your vagina produces mucus, and any medicines that are designed to dry up the sniffles are also going to dry you up down there? If you’re noticing these types of reactions, you might need to change the medication you’re on.

Quick, easy solution: Talk to your doctor about any side effects you notice, even if you think they’re irrelevant. They’re probably not. There may be other treatment options that don’t destroy your sex life, and your doctor may be able to prescribe one of these other options. Just make sure that you’re not stopping your medication without speaking to your doctor first – withdrawal can affect your sex life, too.

6. You’re malnourished.

When we think of nutrition and nourishment, we usually think about whether we’re eating enough, too much, or just the right amount. But, believe it or not, what you eat is just as important, if not more important, than how frequently or how much you eat. Foods high in zinc and B-vitamins can increase your sexual wellness and make the overall experience more enjoyable (aside from their other health benefits).

Which foods should you eat more of? Healthy meats, such as salmon, chicken, or tuna, are all high in B-vitamins. These vitamins help with energy production and blood flow. Not only does this help your heart, your brain, and your sustainable energy levels, but that increased blood flow is going to help, no matter how you get it. (And besides – it’s totally an excuse to eat more sushi, and I for one am 100% okay with that.)

Quick, easy solution: If you’re not able to change the way you eat, for whatever reason, a multivitamin that contains B-vitamins may be a good place to start. Just keep in mind that your body can’t absorb nutrients from vitamins as easily as it can from your food, so whenever possible, it’s better to let them enter your body naturally.

7. You smoke cigarettes.

If you’re a cigarette smoker, you probably already know all about how bad it is for you – but you might not have made the connection with your sex life. Nicotine messes with your blood flow, which isn’t just bad for your heart – it’s bad for your sexual organs, too. Quitting smoking can be really hard, but it’s definitely worth it if you want to fix your health issues. Really… A lot of health issues come either directly or indirectly from cigarette smoking (plus that ashtray smell is really only sexy when you’re drunk at the bar).

Although it’ll take some time for your blood flow to regulate as well as it did before you started smoking, the sooner you quit, the better you’ll be. The same is true for the rest of the health problems caused by smoking, and within 20 years your body will be completely free of all the negative effects that the smoking caused. Of course, that’s a long time to wait for things to go back to normal, but at least there’s hope that you can go back to normal.

Quick, easy solution: If possible, quit smoking completely, as soon as you’re able to. If it’s not possible to quit “cold turkey”, try keeping track of how many cigarettes you have each day, and try to get that number a little lower every day, until you’re down to zero. This progressive-quit strategy works well for some people, while others are better off going all-in, so make sure you’re comfortable with the changes you’ve made.

8. You drink too much.

Unfortunately, chronic alcoholism is a real problem, and especially for those whose primary social gathering spots happen to be at a bar (such as most local LGBT communities). I’m not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, but chronic alcoholism can cause long-term damage to your sexual performance, even for years after you sober up. It’s sad and just a little scary, but the numerous other health concerns that go along with chronic alcoholism make it worth quitting, even if you don’t get your sex life back.

It’s not just long-term drinkers that have an issue, either. In fact, once your BAC goes over 0.1, your sexual responsiveness goes way down. It’s almost cruel, though, because a BAC of 0.03-0.1 can actually increase your libido and sexual desire, as well as lowering your sexual inhibitions enough to try something new. This level corresponds with 1-3 glasses of wine within an hour, or the equivalent amount of alcohol within that time period.

Quick, easy solution: Try to stop yourself when you’re feeling buzzed, but not smashed. If you find it hard to know (and respect) your limits, you may need to speak with your doctor about an alcohol treatment program that works for you. Just remember: This is about so much more than just your sex life.

9. You don’t touch yourself.

Masturbating isn’t just for teenagers, no matter what silly things you may have heard. Self-love is an integral part of your sexual health and satisfaction. In fact, it’s one of the most prescribed treatments for sexual disorders, as it lets the person discover themselves in a no-pressure environment, without the fear of judgment.

Self-pleasure helps you become more comfortable with the things that turn you on, which can make it easier to discuss them with your partner. It may even help with your sexual desire, according to research, because it’s easier to get yourself warmed up than it is to tell your partner how to do it. (Of course, the goal is that your partner will know, but you’ve got to be comfortable talking about it first.)

Quick, easy solution: Try to bring in mutual masturbation as a foreplay activity, or even the main event in your sex life occasionally. Giving your partner the chance to see exactly what gets your motor running will let her know exactly what she needs to do to make it happen again. (And besides, it’s really sexy to watch your girlfriend pleasure herself in front of you, trust me.)

A survey carried out by Autostraddle carried out a sex survey on women who were in a relationship with other women. 88% of the women who took part said that in an ideal world they would be having sex multiple times a week, but the reality is that only 38.8% are having sex that frequently. Around 40% of the women also said they were unsatisfied with their sex life and couples who had a lot of sex said they were very happy with their relationship. So, what are the reasons we are not having more sex?

Lesbians have sex for a long period of time.

Apparently the average couple have sex for around 30- 40 minutes and some reported that they would have sex for up to 2 hours. It takes a woman 15-40 minutes to achieve orgasm which is why our sex takes longer, so in some cases we simply just don’t have enough time to have more sex.

Depression

Depression affects more women than men and LGBT folks have a higher depression rate than others. Loss of sex drive is a common symptom of depression and is another reason we are not having as much sex as we’d like.

Taking Anti-depressants

This was the most popular reason in the survey as to why women are not having as much sex as they’d like. Anti-depressants have side effects such as low libido, vaginal dryness and problems reaching orgasm. This takes its toll in the bedroom and is a real issue for many.

Dealing with sexual trauma

Apparently 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexuals have experienced sexual assault, physical violence or stalking from an intimate partner. Enduring this type of trauma can leave women with trust and sex issues that can take a very long time to overcome.

Not wanting to have more sex

Some women are happy enough to just share intimate moments with their partner like holding hands and cuddling and don’t necessarily want to have more sex than they are having. Another reason is women have lower sex drives than men and are content with what they get. It’s important as well to note that some women are asexual and although they are in romantic relationships they simply don’t desire or have interest in the sex.

Being with the same partner for a long time

This is very true as the women who had the most sex had been with their partner for less than a year.  In the early days of a relationship it’s common to have lots of sex as it’s so new but over time that does tend to wear off. Sometimes the sex does decrease after you’ve been together for a long time. This can be for reasons such as busy work schedules, children, family commitments, housework and having a hectic social life. This is not necessarily a bad thing as a good relationship is about sharing and spending time together, not just about having sex.

Gender Dysphoria

This issue is common amongst transgendered women, especially during the transition period. Also some women can suffer from dysphoric feelings about their bodies that impact on how comfortable they feel in the bedroom.

Children

This was also a popular reason given as to why there is not more sex in the relationship. Children take up a lot of time and they can be quite exhausting which means by the time you finally collapse into bed of an evening all you want to do is sleep.

Money worries/working long hours

Women have less earning power than men and most lesbian couples both have to work full time to be able to pay the bills. Worrying about money or working long hours means that sex is probably the last thing on your mind.

Long distance relationships

There are not as many queer women as there are straight so we tend to meet people online or in social media groups that might not live in our area or even country. That means having more sex is impossible as you can only do it when you get the chance to meet up.

Menstruation
Our periods can be a real hassle at times, especially if you both menstruate at different times. That can mean up to two weeks of no sex every month if you don’t like to have sex while on your period.

Monogamy
35% of women who have been with their partner for 3 years or more and their relationship is monogamous have sex once a week or more on average. For non-monogamous couples in 3+ year relationships it was 55%.

Different sex drives
When a couple have different sex drives it can be hard to find a happy medium. One wants more sex and the other doesn’t want it. Finding a compromise can be difficult and this was another reason women stated they are not having more sex in their relationship.

Think you’ve got everything figured out when it comes to lesbian sex? Even if you’ve been in the game for a while, you still might be misinformed.

1. If you don’t orgasm, it doesn’t count.

Well, if that were really the case, then almost 40% of women didn’t really have sex the last time they thought they did. Most of the time, sexual activity doesn’t result in an orgasm (and orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean sex, either). In fact, an estimated 1/3 of women have a hard time getting off, no matter how good the sex is. There are a bunch of reasons why orgasm and sex are not mutually exclusive – and, in most cases, even if you don’t “finish”, it’s still pretty good.

Short version: What “counts” is totally subjective.

2. Only lesbians use sex toys.

While lesbians like to claim ownership of the whole sex toy game, it turns out that almost half of American women (and more than 30% of men, too) admit to owning and using sex toys, according to a study by AdamandEve.com. There are toys designed for women to use on other women, for women to use on men, and for women to use on themselves. There are also toys for men to use on men, women, and themselves. If you haven’t checked out an adult toy store lately, let me tell you… There is so much variety now.

Short version: The sex toy industry has literally come up with something for everyone. And people buy it.

3. All lesbians use sex toys.

Well… No. Even though so many women own sex toys, you’ll notice that the number isn’t 100%. (Of course, we’re assuming there’s a margin of error for the women who were too embarrassed to admit that they owned them, but that still wouldn’t come up to 100%.) Whether or not you use toys is entirely a matter of personal preference. However, if you’d like to start using toys, but aren’t necessarily into penetration, still have a look – not all toys are created equal, and there’s probably something out there that’s made just for you.

Short version: Your sex life is not a simple tick box; it’s more like 5,000 tick boxes.

4. All lesbians will eventually stop having sex.

Sigh… The whole lesbian bed death thing is getting pretty tired. The truth is, all relationships go through periods where the couple has less sex – lesbians are not any more prone to these dry spells. Even when a lull does happen, it’s not a disaster. In most cases, these lulls are temporary and you can work through them pretty easily. However, it’s also important to realize that these dry spells usually indicate that sex isn’t a priority right then – and as long as neither partner is feeling neglected, there’s no reason you have to have sex as often as other couples do.

Short version: Stop comparing your sex life to other people’s sex lives – you’re not them!

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When it comes to your sex life, you probably have a pretty good idea about what you like and what you don’t. probably even have an idea of what your partner likes and doesn’t like, too – it’s part of being in a healthy relationship, after all. I think we all want to be the best partner we can, but what happens if you’re not so great?

Believe it or not, your sex life is actually super important – but it isn’t really as black-and-white as you might think.

The most important thing is communication.

Just like with the rest of your relationship, communication is the key. Your relationship simply can’t exist unless you talk about it. (Your girlfriend is not telepathic, so stop acting like she should be able to read your mind. That’s not how you form a connection.)

It might be a bit awkward talking about your sex life if you’re not used to the idea, but as they say – if you’re not comfortable talking about sex, you’re not ready for it yet. You need a safe, judgment-free space where you can both talk about your satisfaction, your desires, and even the things you do when you’re not together.

Ideally, this should also spill over into the rest of your relationship, too. Do you talk about just the easy things, or do you find the courage to talk about the tough stuff, too? Let’s all stop pretending that we can ignore our emotions – that’s what your partner is there to help with.

Excitement is pretty important, too.

You don’t have to be a bore to fall victim to the ordinary. In fact, things get a little stale for everyone sometimes. What’s important isn’t that you avoid the staleness in the first place, but that you’re able to come back from it.

Your “excitement” doesn’t have to be something crazy or obscene – just out of the everyday routine. Try having sex somewhere new (like the living room couch), at a different time of day (I’m quite fond of 6AM, myself), or even just a new position. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you’re both excited to do it.

Again, this shouldn’t be limited to just the bedroom. Our entire lives can fall into a rut if we let them, so it’s important to remember to add a little spice sometimes. At least a few times a year, make time to do something completely out of the usual. Not only will you broaden your horizons, but you’ll also make some unforgettable memories.

Compatibility is more important than skill.

You might think that your sexual prowess boils down to how much experience and practice you’ve had – but, realistically, that’s not the case. There is no such thing as a universal sex goddess, despite what some of us would like to think. It’s more important that your sexual desires mesh well with your partner’s sexual desires.

When you’re discussing the ways you could be compatible (or incompatible), make sure you discuss the frequency you’d like to have sex. You should already know whether you two share the same views on monogamy before you’ve even thought of sleeping with each other, but just in case you haven’t, cover that one now, too. Lastly, you’ll need to make sure your fetishes and fantasies can coexist with one another.

Now, you’ll note that I said coexist here. It’s not really so important that you and your partner have the same desires – just that you’re willing to work with one another and find a happy compromise. It’s highly unlikely that you’re going to agree on everything, so it’s better to learn how to help each other get what you want.

Just practice!

I can’t even begin to explain how important it is to just practice. The more experience you get with your partner, the more in sync you two are going to be for future sexual encounters. Yes, you’re going to have some rocky and awkward times on the way there – but in the end, it’ll all be worth it as you fall into rhythm.

It’s also important to practice getting yourself off. I know many women shy away from the topic of masturbation, because we’ve been conditioned to reject it – but, truthfully, you can’t have good sex if you don’t know what it should feel like. Masturbating allows you explore your desires, process your fantasies, and learn what feels best to you.

Possibly the most important thing to practice is your communication – both speaking and listening, both in and out of the bedroom. This talking and listening is important for the health of your relationship, and it does get easier with practice, I promise. The sooner you start, the easier it will be for both of you – so start today!

The best sex will happen with the person you’re most comfortable with.

In your life, you’re probably going to have multiple sexual partners, and not all of them are going to be very good. It’s easy to attribute those not-so-good partners to a lack of skill, but let’s face it – even bad sex still feels pretty good. Most of the time, the person isn’t bad at sex – they’re just not a good fit for you, and that’s okay.

If you’re not comfortable with the person you’re with, or the things they’re interested in, sexually, the sex is more likely to be strained and awkward. While there’s no exact formula to figure out how comfortable you should be before the sex starts to get good, it’s been known to improve over time (but that still doesn’t mean it’s going to be on fire every single time – we all have our off days).

In the end, it all boils down to how much you care about your partner, and how dedicated you are to making it work – which means that a healthy, long-term relationship has more potential than all the casual flings in your lifetime.

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Are you trying to come up with the perfect birthday or anniversary present for your girlfriend? Navigating someone else’s sexual desires can be difficult when they’re not around to give you advice. Thankfully, your girlfriend’s favorite sex toys probably fit in with her astrological sign. Check both of your sex toy horoscopes below, and see which toy will bring the best buzz to your bedroom.

Taurus: Rabbit Habit

Taurus women are cautious and loyal lovers. They don’t give their heart out to just anyone, but once they care about someone, they’re passionate and faithful to the end. They appreciate the art of seduction, and they look for a partner who has the stamina to work at it for a while.

The Rabbit Habit will let your lady get her pleasure just a bit simpler, thanks to the vibrating body and rotating shaft. While Rabbit vibrators have been classics since they burst onto the scene over 30 years ago, the newest upgrade – the Rabbit Habit – offers the benefits that modern technology can come up with. There’s a reason that even Oprah called the Rabbit “the Roll’s Royce of vibrators”.

Gemini: Vibrating Panties

Gemini women are known for being a bit flighty and unpredictable, which only leads to their ability to excite those around them. They enjoy high-frequency sex, as well as high-risk experimentation (such as public sex or swinging). Your Gemini girlfriend craves control – but she wants you to decide when she gets it.

To keep her inner exhibition satisfied, we recommend a high-quality vibrating panty, such as the Vibro Panty. Between the comfortable cotton/lycra blend and the wireless remote, these panties can be worn discretely in public for a bit of extra fun. Those looking for a vibrator that will fit underneath your normal underwear should give this C-string a shot instead. We can’t imagine it’s the most comfortable option, but exhibition is supposed to push your boundaries a bit anyway – you might as well try it out!

Cancer: Nipple Stimulators

Cancer women prefer to be a bit mysterious – self-sustaining, but craving human affection on the inside. When they have sex, it’s a full mind and body experience – unmatched by most other signs. Get things started with a sensual massage to help ease her out of her shell – then be sure to stimulate her mind, her body, and maybe even her ego.

Nipple stimulators, such as these mini nipple suckers, can add just the right amount of stimulation, while leaving your hands (and mouth) free to give her even more attention. They take some time to get used to, but rest assured that your Cancer partner will love getting to know them with you. They’re even discrete enough to wear in public under a bra, and they make your boobs look pretty nice, too. Everyone wins!

Leo: Fiera

Leos can have some trouble getting in the mood, so they need a partner who’s willing to nurture their sensual side. She needs to feel adored, appreciated, and secure before she can get turned on. If her partner is one of the signs that prefers a more straightforward approach, there can be a clash – leading to Leo remaining unsatisfied, while her partner is completely unaware.

The Fiera vibrator was designed to set the mood – and, in fact, studies have proven that it is effective, fairly discrete, and it works quickly. Fiera works just as well for warming up as it does for the main event, so it’s the perfect choice to get the party started – even in a hurry. Plus, the Fiera is discrete enough that it can be taken in public – adding a little extra teasing and temptation for the woman who needs a bit of encouragement.

Virgo: iRide

Virgo women have a tendency to be very conservative in the bedroom. She doesn’t really experiment much on her own, so it’s best if she has a partner who can gently push her out of her comfort zone. She is highly logical and prefers to take charge whenever possible, so remember to suggest rather than direct. She is content to take things into her own hands – but probably won’t mind if you ask to watch.

When it comes to having fun on your own, the toys that bring the greatest results are the ones with the most surface area. The iRide offers a comfortable ride-on toy that entices the clitoris as well as internal vibrations. This toy was meant to be ridden, spooned, and rocked on, meaning you can just lean back and enjoy the show. Or, join in on the fun and have a hassle-free threesome (no third person required!).

Libra: Vesper Pendant

Libras are the most social and laid-back of all the signs, so their sex life needs to fit in with the rest of their lives. She is creative and adventurous in the bedroom (or the washroom – whichever’s closer) and she’s the first to suggest trying something new. She still needs to be practical, though, so her sex toys need to be ready to go.

Enter the Vesper Pendant Vibrator. This sexy necklace looks like a trendy fashion statement, but hidden inside is a super discrete, surprisingly powerful vibrator! The USB-rechargeable slim design comes in three attractive color combinations, and even custom engraving. Once you get your personalized pendant, you’ll notice it has 4 different speed settings and a water-resistant design. This is the toy that balances sexy and romantic – and it does a damn good job, too.

Scorpio: Fetish Restraint

Scorpio women are some of the sexiest and most fiery women out there – and, as such, sex with them will almost always result in fetishes, passion, and some serious fantasy play. She sees things through, and she strives to be anything but boring. Experimentation is in the name of the game.

If you’re looking to bring in a little extra heat, check out the Fetish Fantasy Web Restraint. This bed-sized restraint system lets you lock your lady onto your own personal spider web. (Or, if you’d prefer, she can lock you into it – it’s all good!). This restraint system comes with the spider web mat and four padded straps that connect to the outer edges. Perfect for getting full control!

Sagittarius: Kegel Toys

Optimistic Sagittarius might be a bit moody sometimes, but that’s only because of her pent-up energy. She can also be a bit detached, and she’s the best at one-night stands for that exact reason. Sag women are the best at the hit-it-and-quit-it game, but once they do open up to you, be prepared to help her cross some things off her sexual bucket list (which gets new things added on a regular basis).

The best toy for her is one that lets her get off while also doing other important stuff – and the Minna kGoal was designed to reward kegel exercises with an orgasm. How great is that for the multi-taskers of the world? When inserted, it’s totally discrete, and squeezing the bulb translates to sensual vibrations. The harder you squeeze, the stronger the buzz. There’s even smartphone tracking so you can see how far you’ve come. It’s too bad all exercise doesn’t feel this good.

Capricorn: Comet Wand

Capricorns are patient and helpful, which makes them natural-born leaders. She’s often so busy staying organized and classy that she forgets to take some time for herself! However, once she’s ready to go, the sex is both a physical and metaphysical experience – she really knows how to have a wild time!

Since she’s less concerned with how she gets there (and more concerned with keeping things productive), the Comet Wand will get straight to the point. Its curved shape is sure to deliver with intense G-spot stimulation. Quite simply, the Comet Wand is made to get shit done.

Aquarius: Duckie Vibrator

Freedom-loving Aquarius needs something that lets her be her wise, but stubborn, self. She’s usually the most fun person in the room, although she might need to be reminded of it. Her love of fluid situations means that she enjoys a good quickie, and she needs a toy that will let her be herself. If she can do it without your help, that’s even better!

The Rub My Ducky vibe is a cute, but surprisingly powerful little waterproof vibrator. The different textures of the various body parts give different sensations, as you please, and you don’t even have to worry about cropping it out of your selfies – it just looks like a cute little bath toy! (Unless, of course, you keep it on your night stand – that might look a little conspicuous.)

Pisces: Ocean Vibe

Empathetic Pisces has a hard time taking control of the situation, because they don’t want to make their partner uncomfortable. They need to be with someone who can take charge in the bedroom, without being insensitive. Simply put, Pisces women need a gentle leader in the bedroom – someone to take them over the edge, but in a soft, romantic way.

Sweep her off her feet and into the sheets with the sleek Ocean Vibe. This thing was practically made for the water signs, with its soft waves of pure pleasure directly to the G-Spot, as well as either the clit or the anus. No matter what type of pleasure your lady is into, get her there in style with the Ocean Vibe.

Aries: Minna Limon

For the woman who loves being the center of attention, whether she’s giving or receiving, it’s important that her partner lets her take control and lead the way. She’s a natural born leader in every sense of the word, and she won’t settle for pleasure that relies on another person – she’d rather let someone else join in on her solo sexcapades than let them take the reins.

The Minna Limon is a discrete vibrator that was built to please, with its comfortable shape and completely waterproof design. The shape can easily fit in the palm of your hand or sit snugly right along your sensitive bits. What’s even better is that there’s a squeeze-memory – meaning that the Limon’s vibration is completely customizable to your exact preferences. What a time to be alive!

For the longest time, I was strongly against using any “products” in the bedroom. I’ve always been a skin-to-skin type of woman, and it felt like using outside help was… I don’t know, cheating somehow?

As I grew up a little more, though, I realized that sex toys were to enhance the experience you have with a partner, not necessarily because your partner isn’t doing a good enough job, but because better sex is (usually) a great thing. With that, here are the 7 products that you should buy as soon as you’re able to and use as often as your heart desires.

1. A blindfold or eye mask.

I’m not sure if it’s true for everyone, but being blindfolded was pretty much my first introduction into “kinky sex”. Sure, being blindfolded isn’t what we really think of when we’re talking about bondage, but the element of surprise is important to satisfying sexual activity – and a blindfold adds in a little mystery by upping the anticipation. You can’t see what your partner is doing, only feel it – which makes for a really sexy activity.

Your blindfold or eye mask doesn’t have to be fancy, but it should be comfortable. Opt for silkier materials, and a double strap if possible. There are super inexpensive options available pretty much everywhere (seriously – my local dollar store has them on a regular basis), or you can opt for a more expensive, more padded, more comfortable option once your budget allows for it.

2. Bondage tape.

While we’re at it, you might as well invest in some bondage tape, or another means of binding your partner. After all, that’s where the bondage part of bondage actually comes from. Binding your partner requires an insane amount of trust, since she won’t easily be able to free herself, but it also adds an extra level of sensuality because she also won’t be able to stop you at just one orgasm.

Bondage tape, specifically, is great because it only sticks to itself – meaning it’s not going to yank out those baby-fine arm hairs or unshaven leg hairs. It doesn’t irritate your wrists and ankles as much as handcuffs, and it’s often cheaper than handcuffs, too. Of course, you’ll have to buy more when the roll runs out, or you can opt for a silky scarf or necktie if you’re in a pinch. Just make sure you don’t tighten the knots too much – replacing a scarf or tie every time can get pretty expensive, pretty fast.

3. Proper lubricant.

I know what you’re probably thinking – only old ladies and gay men need lubricant. That’s actually not true at all. While lubricant is most known for adding moisture somewhere moisture isn’t normally present, many modern lubes contain arousal-enhancing gels which make your body produce more natural moisture. Plus, they come in great scents, flavors, and – for the extra brave – different feelings. (Some people are sensitive to the chemicals used to create the tingling sensations, but that doesn’t make them any less popular among those who aren’t sensitive to them.)

Please note that there really is no substitute for a good lubricant. They’re not as expensive as you might think, and there are all different types for all different tastes. Take care not to use silicone or oil-based lubricants with condoms or silicone sex toys, though – they can break down the materials and make a mess of things. When in doubt, water-based lubricants are usually the best choice, but the other types can be used with any non-silicone sex toys. Ask your local adult novelty shop for more information if you need help deciding.

4. A high-quality massage oil or butter.

First and foremost, please note that massage oil is not the same thing as lubricant, and is not intended to be used as such. Rather, massage oils and butters are designed for sensual massages, which is one of my personal favorite forms of foreplay. Some massage oils are flavored or scented (look for ones that say “kissable” if you plan to let your mouth in on the action), and others create tingling, warming, or cooling sensations. Be advised that some people may be sensitive to the products used in a particular oil or butter, so don’t swear them off completely if you’ve had a bad reaction to one.

If money is tight (or you’re just too shy to go to the adult store), baby oils and lotions make a great massage add-in. They’re specifically designed for baby’s sensitive skin, so the risk of aggravating skin sensitivities is very, very low. If you and your partner enjoy aromatherapy, you can even mix in some essential oils to add your own unique scents. Just make sure that you’re using skin-safe oils, and remember that mineral oil will cause some digestive issues if you ingest too much.

5. Unlubricated condoms.

If it seems weird to see condoms listed here, on a site dedicated to women who love other women, but let me explain. Barrier methods are the most common form of safer sex, and they’re available just about everywhere. Unfortunately, dental dams aren’t as easy to find as condoms are, but you can easily turn an unlubricated condom into a dental dam with just a few cuts. You may even be able to find condoms with interesting textures to add to your romps – just make sure that the textured side is facing the receiving partner.

More than just dental dams, though, condoms are great for anyone who performs penetrative sex, especially with toys. They often stretch much larger than you’d expect (have you ever tried filling a condom with water?) and they make clean-up super simple. Plus, believe it or not, you can get STDs from sharing a sex toy with your same-sex partner – so stock up on the condoms and change them every single time.

6. Sex pillows and/or wedges.

It actually wasn’t until pretty recently that I learned that sex pillows are totally a thing. Propping yourself up during sex is the key to hitting all those extra-special positions, and regular bed pillows tend to fall flat even under an arched back. Sex pillows are much firmer, though, and wedges put you at a perfect incline to watch your partner go to work. Some are even discrete enough to store on your bed when not in use – even if you regularly have company over.

When choosing a wedge, in particular, you should look for one that has sides of different lengths. That will let you get the most angles out of a single purchase. Of course, the perfect pillow or wedge for you is a matter of opinion, and for some people, an extra-firm bed pillow might actually be the best choice. That’s fine, too. The important thing is that you switch up the angles a bit – 90 and 180 degrees are not the only options.

7. A good vibrator.

For some women, a vibrator is a complete no-go. The vibrations can be a bit strong for some, especially when used improperly. But for those who enjoy the vibrations, the difference is incredible. The Hitachi Magic Wand is a classic, and for good reason, but it’s also pretty loud and indiscrete. (Then again, when the sex is good, the noise is usually covered by your own noises, but that’s another story entirely.)

If you need something quieter, cheaper, or more versatile, mini bullet vibes are a great option. Some penetrative toys have room to insert a bullet vibrator for added stimulation, and you can even slip them under your underwear for some extra-naughty fun. Be advised, though, that they often require batteries to run, and the power will be inconsistent when the batteries drain. Also, you’ll want to stock up on batteries ahead of time, because there isn’t usually any warning before they start to go low. (The original Magic Wand, as described above, comes with a wall plug to prevent this problem.)

What sex products do you recommend?

It has happened to the best of us if we are honest. In the first few heady months of a new relationship we can’t keep our hands off each other. Any time, any place springs to mind.

But as the months go on it’s so easy to slip into a routine and let the romance and the sex get stale so your relationship feels more like a comfy pair of slippers than the passionate whirlwind it once was.

This is a normal progression into a deeper relationship that is based on more than just sex, but it’s important to make sure you don’t let that spark die completely or your relationship is in serious trouble.

According to the study by Gurit Birnbaum, professor of psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel, the best way to keep things good in the bedroom is to make them good outside of the bedroom as well. Here are five of his tips.

Show her you care about her life

Sometimes we all want to feel cared about and little things can mean so much. The next time she comes home from work or you meet up ask her about her day and show genuine interest. If she seems a bit low, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her feel better. Showing care and understanding builds intimacy which will then carry itself into the bedroom.

Make her feel she’s worth the effort

Why don’t you consider doing something a little bit out of the ordinary for her, just to show her she’s unique to you? Perhaps it could simply be running her a hot bath and lighting scented candles, or if she loves adventure, take her somewhere exciting that she would appreciate. Doing the same things all the time can lead to boredom and that’s the biggest passion killer around.

Take her on dates

This is something you can both organize together and can be good fun. Once a week try to have a ‘date night’ and take it in turns to arrange the date. Try to make them a little bit different, such as a picnic in the moonlight or a ride on an open top bus. Make sure on your date you concentrate on each other and talk about things that are fun and sexy.

Have fun flirting like the early days

Who doesn’t love a bit of flirting? Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still flirt with her. Play footsie with her under the table, or touch her seductively when she’s least expecting it. Flirting can help build up desire and there is every chance you can set the sheets on fire after a few hours of flirting with each other.

Think of sex as an exotic meal

We all enjoy our favourite dishes but imagine how boring that would be if we had to eat it every day. Try to treat sex a bit more like an exotic meal that you are tasting for the first time. Tease a little bit before you go to the bedroom and perhaps bring something new into it, such as a sex toy or role playing. Savour her just as you do when trying something different and exotic.

We are sure if you follow these tips you will soon kick start the passion back into your relationship in no time, but the most important thing, have fun with each other trying them all out.

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Are you struggling to be satisfied in the bedroom? We often think of things that are missing, but we hesitate to say anything about them because we’re worried about what our partners will think. Obviously, if she’s there with you, she wants to be, but there are some things that make us really, really nervous.

Sadly, the same inhibitions we hold in the bedroom often carry over to the rest of our lives, too. We suppress the desire to ask for a raise, because we’re concerned that we’ll appear greedy. We resist the urge to dress comfortably when we go out, because we’re afraid someone will see us and think we’re bums. I’m here to tell you that you need to pursue the things you want – starting today!

And, best of all, I’m about to tell you how.

Give yourself permission to get what you want.

It might seem silly to give yourself permission for something like this, but the truth is that many people are afraid to speak up about what they want because they feel like they’re already getting everything they deserve. This type of subconscious programming might come from your insecurities, or the way other people talk to you, or it might even come from a desire to stay humble. No matter what your reasons are for denying yourself, you need to give yourself permission to explore the things you want.

You can’t get what you want unless you ask, and you won’t be able to ask until you feel like you deserve the happiness. I probably give myself explicit permission to do something at least once a week. This week’s permission is actually written straight into my planner: “Give yourself permission to create, just for the sake of creating.” It’s going to feel really weird the first few times, but it’s the first step in reaching any goal you have. (Although for those who have mastered it, this step is entirely subconscious – the goal is to get to that point.)

Be fair about it.

Just because you deserve to be happy, doesn’t mean that your partner is under any obligation to fulfill your fantasies and desires. If you want something that makes her uncomfortable, you need to respect that and not push the issue. In any situation where sex is involved, all parties need to be really, really happy to be there. One of the mantras I’ve been hearing a lot lately is that, if it’s not a “hell yes”, it’s a no.

The upside to this is that you’re not obligated to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, either. You should try to work with her fantasies and fetishes as much as is reasonable for you, but neither of you should push yourself into something you’re really not sure about. Don’t try to rush into things – if she really loves you, she’ll be willing to take things slowly. And on that note…

Ease into things.

If your fetishes and fantasies are way out there and your partner is pretty sweet and demure in the bedroom, you probably want to take things in baby steps. Let’s say you’re into bondage, but your partner has only ever had sex with the lights and clothes all the way off. Start slowly by bringing in a blindfold, and perhaps some furry handcuffs. Once you’re both comfortable with the level things are at, step it up a little. Don’t try to take too much at once, or you’ll overwhelm her and freak her out.

It’s the same with the rest of your life, too – you can’t expect to jump head-first into something you’ve never done before, and instantly find your footing. You need to break things down into smaller, more manageable steps, and it’ll be easier to take each additional step.

Think about her needs, too.

In many cases, your sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled because you and your partner aren’t talking about them enough. Remember that there’s a good chance her needs aren’t being filled either, and talk to her about what she thinks is missing. In some cases, the things she was afraid to ask for might even be some of the things that you wanted – why don’t you talk more, too?

In the rest of your life, it’s important to consider other people, too. You should keep yourself a priority, of course, and don’t let others walk all over you, but when you make yourself helpful to others, they’re more likely to help you out in return. Sometimes you need to open yourself up to the idea of giving before getting. (And if that isn’t an easy innuendo for sex, I don’t know what is.)

Make it worth her while.

Along with being fair and generous, you need to make your fantasies and fetishes as easy for her to participate in as possible. If she’s nervous, make sure she knows she’s in control of the situation. If she’s self-conscious, let her pick the setting so that it makes her the most comfortable. You want her to enjoy herself, too – if either partner is unsatisfied, it’s bad sex. (And if you were satisfied and your partner wasn’t, it’s at least partially your fault.)

Outside of the bedroom, it’s still a lot easier to get help when you’re helpful. Long-term sustainable happiness comes most from the times we’re helping others, so make sure that everyone who helps you is also getting something out of the deal. You don’t need to shortchange yourself, but you should make sure things are fair.

Don’t push the issue.

Generally speaking, a “maybe” has a chance of turning into a “yes” – but a “no” doesn’t have that same chance. Just remember – just because there’s a chance doesn’t mean you should bug her about it. Bugging your partner for sex, or for a particular type of sex, is actually more likely to prevent her from wanting it – after a certain point (which is different for everyone), it’ll start to feel like an expectation or an obligation. That’s not what you want – you want her to choose to participate in this with you.

Likewise, in the rest of your life, you need to know what things are worth pushing for, and what things need to be let go. In most cases, a no is always going to stay a no. A maybe or a not right now has a chance of turning into a yes, but it doesn’t really work out that way. Try to keep things in perspective, and only push for the things you consider a need – not just a want. Learn to accept “no” gracefully.

Understand that your desires can change.

Just because you want something right now doesn’t mean that you’ll still want it after you’ve tried it. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had a partner fulfill a fantasy of mine, and I found out I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would. By the same token, it’s possible that you’ll start off objecting to a particular fantasy, and eventually grow to love it. I recommend trying new things as often as possible, and communicating often to make sure you’re on the same page.

Outside of the bedroom, you should evaluate your dreams and desires often. Humans are creatures of habit, so we often pursue things even after they no longer give us joy, just because it’s easier to keep doing the same thing. Stop doing that! Evaluate your dreams, your hopes, and desires on a regular basis, and if you’re not happy with where your life is headed, make some changes! It’s easier to change before you start to feel dejected, trust me.

Remember that it doesn’t always affect everything else.

Fixing issues in your sex life is a great place to start, but it’s not going to fix the problems in the rest of your relationship. If there’s mistrust or infidelity in the relationship, sex is probably the least of your issues. (No matter what anyone says, “bad sex” is not an excuse for cheating – period.)

In the rest of your life, the same definitely applies. Sure, the various aspects of our lives are often interconnected, but they’re not so connected that you can magically fix everything all at the same time. Working out the kinks in our life is often a long, drawn-out process, and it really never ends – there are always things that could be better, or things that we wish hadn’t happened. All you can do is remember to keep things in perspective, and don’t take things too seriously. Very rarely are things actually as bad as they seem, so keep your chin up!

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