I’ll admit: I was once the girl who would (desperately) try to talk an ex out of leaving. Usually, it was one particular ex, and the fact that my tactics worked should have been a sign that she was really the wrong girl for me. It took me a really, really, embarrassingly long time to realize that I was only prolonging the pain by refusing to let go. In fact, I’m pretty sure she was just going along with it to make me shut up.

Realistically, she knew she had power over me. And I kept reminding her every time I asked her to just come back to me.

What’s that they say about hindsight being 20-20? Yeah. Totally true. You need to distance yourself from a situation – and if you don’t, you’ll never be able to move forward.

It seems obvious, but it’s not always easy to follow through. It’s super important that you do, though – and here’s why.

Texting her tells her she’s still in control.

Whether your relationship was as toxic as mine was or not, you shouldn’t allow someone control over your life if you don’t even have a place in hers.

She’ll want you more if she knows she can’t have you.

So, if you’re trying to prove something to yourself, the best way to actually prove that is to ice her out.

Not texting shows her you’re the bigger person.

Does a big (emotionally) woman go crawling back to someone who’s rejected her? No she does not.

You have better things to do.

If you’re still texting her, you’re telling her that she’s still largely important in your life. Even if that’s true, you probably shouldn’t admit it.

It takes too much time.

Sure, sending a quick text doesn’t take long. But she knows how long it took you to work up the nerve, and she knows how long after the text you’ll be waiting for a reply.

Because she doesn’t deserve to know you’re sad.

She broke your heart – so why would you give her the power to do it again?

Because she doesn’t deserve to be sad.

If you broke her heart, how do you think it’s going to feel when she picks up her phone and sees your messages? Probably not good.

The opposite of love is indifference.

It seems that texting her to let her know that you’re over the relationship will give you closure, but… It won’t. It’ll just keep those wounds fresh.

Is she really the thing you want to associate with drunken shenanigans?

Alcohol (and other mind-altering substances) affect your ability to process things. And while they can make you happy, for a while, drinking or smoking marijuana when you’re already sad is going to get you even more down. Fact.

You deserve to move on.

Even if you think you’ve already moved on, if you’re thinking about texting your ex – whether angrily or apologetically – you’re not. You need to forgive yourself, but she is under no obligation to forgive you. Just let it go.

The only way to really get closure is to close the damn book, so to speak.

It seems like talking through things “one last time” will resolve any lingering feelings. It won’t, though. It just opens up the wounds for everything you apologize for (or that she apologizes for). Delete the number from your phone and move on with your life. You deserve it.

There are a lot of undue stigmas surrounding single life. While we’re taught to embrace our single-ness, it also seems like there’s a “deadline” when you’re supposed to be over the idea of being single. It seems so arbitrary that, one year, you’re supposed to resent the idea of getting married, otherwise you’re “settling”, and then the very next year, you’re supposed to go into die-hard wifey mode.

I, for one, don’t buy it.

I don’t think there should be a specific deadline for when you “have” to be ready to be a wife. And, in fact, settling down before you’re actually ready is probably a bad idea more often than it’s a good one. (I’m not saying that “accidental settling” doesn’t ever have a happy ending – sometimes it does. But it’s most likely the exception.)

Truthfully, the whole idea of a “designated” time for settling down is based on the so-called biological clock. But these days, not everyone wants kids, and many of us who do want kids don’t plan to be genetically related to them (or at least, we don’t feel the need to be genetically related to them). Aside from that, the modern medical technology has come so far that all the issues that once were associated with “late parenting” are pretty much nonexistent. Yes, there are still risks – but miracles happen every day.

The only real issue with the differences in “commitment age” is that no one reaches that point at exactly the same time. It’s not necessarily a death sentence for your relationship if you and your partner don’t agree, but it can make things complicated.

How do you know if your partner isn’t as ready as you are?

She’d rather go to a keg party than a dinner party.

I’m definitely not saying that you can’t party and be the wifey type. It’s definitely possible. But it shouldn’t be assumed that this is the case. If the only family she’s interested in right now is her Sims family – and you’re not even her wife on the game – chances are, she’s not ready to be anything more than just a girlfriend right now.

She hates the idea of “checking in” with you.

Let’s be clear here, too: Even if you are married, you don’t really have the right to demand that she check in with you all the time. But she should be willing to offer up at least a basic description of her plans. If your questions about where she’s going on a Friday night are met with “None of your business”… She’s probably not ready to settle down. (Although, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s cheating, either, just so you know.)

Her best friend is an ex.

It’s possible to be friends with your ex. It’s also possible to be best friends with an ex. But if she’s ready to settle down, most likely, you’re going to be her best friend – or, at the very least, it’ll be someone she’s never had sex with. If that’s not the case, then maybe she’s not ready to commit. There should be boundaries in the relationship, and they shouldn’t be imposed or enforced by you – they should come from her. If she refuses to let go of a friendship that makes you uncomfortable (and you have a legitimate reason to be uncomfortable), she’s not ready to be tied down.

She tells her friends about problems in your relationship, but she won’t tell you.

This one might be hard to track or prove, but if her friends don’t like you, and you’ve done nothing wrong, chances are, she’s venting to them and masquerading as happy when it’s just the two of you. After all, admitting there’s a problem means working to fix it, and that means dragging out a relationship that, in her mind, isn’t going anywhere.

Her family doesn’t know about you.

If you two have been together for a while and she’s not ready for you to meet her family – or she’s keeping you a secret from them – it might be a sign that she’s not ready to commit. Of course, in the queer community, it’s also a possibility that she’s not out to her family, but very rarely does someone keep a full separation from their family and their love – so if her family doesn’t even know she’s seeing anyone, she probably isn’t all the way invested in the relationship.

She doesn’t have any interest in meeting your family.

If you’ve invited her to meet your family and she always has an excuse why she can’t, it’s possible that she doesn’t want to get “that serious”. Of course, that’s not to say that meeting the family means you two are definitely going to get married, but there are some implied expectations when you “bring someone home”. And if she refuses to be “brought home”, there’s probably a reason.

Her finances are a secret, and she wouldn’t dream of having a joint bank account.

Let me say that not every relationship involves shared finances. There are definitely situations where someone would want to keep some of their money separate, even when married. Otherwise, a prenup would not be a real thing. But if she feels you have no rights to even know how she manages her bills, and she’d never ask for help if her finances were a bit slim – or offer help if yours were – then there’s a good chance she doesn’t take the relationship very seriously.

She’s cheating on you.

Another clarification may be in order. I fully understand that polyamorous marriages exist, and for the right people, they work out quite well. But there is a huge difference between an open relationship and a cheater, namely that one involves secrecy while the other involves complete honesty. If you’re not sure where the lines in your own relationship stand, and she has no desire to stop sleeping with other people… Well, pushing her to commit isn’t going to help that, it’s going to make it worse.

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Many people feel that fighting with their partner is always a bad thing. Really, it’s not – there are certain things that you’re “supposed to” fight about. These things are different from couple to couple, of course, but realistically, as long as you’re choosing to fight only about the things that matter, you’re not off to such a bad start.

That’s not to say that every fight “matters”, in the general sense of the word – no matter how much it feels like it matters at the time. Realistically, there are also things that matter so much that fighting over them pretty much spells doom for the relationship as a whole.

Are you fighting with her over these 10 “off-limits” things? Can you think of anything else that shouldn’t turn into a fight?

1. Sex.

Fighting about sex is one of those things that’s actually solved as soon as it starts. If one of you wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, the answer is no. If one of you wants something in the bedroom that the other isn’t comfortable with, the answer is no. In a healthy relationship, the requesting partner will understand if they’re not able to get what they want – but if it’s something that inspires a fight, it might be time to kiss the relationship goodbye.

2. Money.

This is one of the most common things to fight about, and surely there are some situations when it seems rather warranted. (If one of you is paying all the bills, for example, it might be tempting to argue over it.) But this is rarely a good way to fix the problem. Instead, you should be focusing on the solutions. Instead of starting a fight, you should be telling your partner how the situation makes you feel. If she’s not willing to try and work it out, it may be time to go your separate ways.

3. Family.

It might be hard to remember sometimes, but in most cases, your family should come before your girlfriend. (The obvious exception, of course, being family members who are abusive toward you.) Your partner is under no obligation to like your family, but if she can’t at least be civil about them (and toward them), they’re probably not the problem. This can be tough if your family doesn’t really treat her with respect, either. You’ll need to figure out who’s unreasonable – and who means more to you.

4. Monogamy.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy. That doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong – it just means that you don’t belong together. Polyamory is gaining in acceptance the last few years, but you shouldn’t ever force someone into the idea. If you can’t agree on whether you’ll be monogamous or not, you shouldn’t be together – there’s no reason to fight about it.

5. Religion.

Religious beliefs are, in many ways, a very personal matter. Most religions can get along fine – but if you find that one of you is continually pressuring the other to convert, or undermining the other’s core beliefs, not only are you being incredibly disrespectful, but you probably don’t belong together.

6. Weight.

Sometimes, in a happy relationship, one or both of you may put on (or lose) a significant amount of weight. While this doesn’t exactly count as something out of the person’s control, in most cases, it should never be a point of contention between the two of you. There are ways the two of you can work on getting healthy together. (And, for the love of all things sacred, never put your partner down for changes in her appearance. It’s rude, and fixes absolutely nothing.)

7. Shallow, trivial things.

If the two of you are always fighting over things that you know shouldn’t matter, you’ll need to ask yourself why. There are bound to be occasions when you get on each other’s nerves and bicker. But they shouldn’t span days at a time. If you notice that you’re fighting over stupid things more than you’re saying nice things to each other, it’s time to evaluate whether you really want to be in the relationship, or if you’re just staying because it’s easier than walking away.

8. Things you can’t change.

There’s no reason to fight over something that can’t be changed. If you can’t accept something that is an integral part of who your partner is – such as her heritage, her past, or her socioeconomic status – chances are, the problem isn’t actually her – it’s you. Understandably, there are going to be things you can’t get over sometimes, but that really just means that the two of you don’t belong together. There’s no reason to make her feel bad for something that can’t be changed.

9. Things that aren’t the other’s fault.

Fighting in a relationship is normal, but you shouldn’t ever fight about something that has nothing to do with the other person. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done, but it’s important to realize that your girlfriend is not to blame if you lose your job, or if her parents don’t accept your relationship, or anything else that has nothing to do with her – so avoid placing the blame on her. (And, if you do happen to place the blame on her, make sure you apologize and try harder not to argue with her about it in the future.)

10. Whether or not to break up.

It might seem like this is something you should fight for – but, realistically, if one of you has already made up your mind, spending extra time on the relationship probably won’t fix it. There’s a big difference between fighting to keep someone, and fighting to trap someone – make sure you’re on the right side of things. If she wants to walk away, she’s probably thought it through already, and it’s probably too late.

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I’ve been working on increasing my gratitude lately. If you’re not familiar with the idea of “adding” gratefulness into your life, let me tell you – it’s not always easy. At least, not at first. After a while, it becomes second-nature, and you start to see all sorts of things in a light you never thought was possible before. But first, you’ve got to practice with the “easy” stuff, like your material things and your “overt blessings”. Those blessings-in-disguise won’t reveal themselves until later.

Looking back at my youth, it’s easy to pick out the things that I (now) feel were mistakes. Things like sneaking out of the house, partying, and even polyamorous relationships… None of which are things I still do, because they weren’t right for me, but at the time, they were exactly what I needed.

Why should you be thankful for the things you’d rather forget?

1. It taught me what’s important to me.

In my case, it taught me that partying wasn’t for me. For some people, it teaches them that partying is important to them. But if you only ever do what you’re supposed to do, you’ll never know what you really want to do – only what’s expected of you.

2. It exposed me to different types of people.

I made some really amazing friends when I was partying, and I’m still friends with some of them, even though I’ve left the party scene. In some cases, it feels like such an accomplishment that we survived these stupid decisions together. In other cases, we’ve bonded over how boring our lives seem now that we’re out of the party scene. In both situations, I’ve met friends who I never would have been exposed to if I hadn’t been a part of that crowd.

3. It’s an important rite-of-passage for many young(er) people.

Whether you personally felt the need to party, or just did it because your friends were doing it, there’s a reason that partying appeals to most people: It’s fun, and it marks the end of your innocence in a way that doesn’t (necessarily) involve sex. It’s not automatically a bad or irresponsible thing to do – in fact, I worked full-time while I was partying and never borrowed money for it. Being wild and crazy was not one single choice – it was a series of smaller choices. Some of them were irresponsible, but they were all my choices to make.

4. It doesn’t have to last forever – but it doesn’t have to end, either.

In my personal situation, I’m especially grateful that my wild side never fully defined me. Although I went to raves, I was never “a raver”. It was an experience, not a lifestyle, and I never felt pressured to stay in that life. When I was ready to give it up, I gave it up. I know if I want to go back, the scene will welcome me with the same arms it welcomed me with before.

5. It gave me some interesting stories.

On my 18^th birthday, I made the decision to take a definitely-not-safe amount of drugs, and ended up walking around downtown Reno looking for someone I wasn’t even 100% sure was real. That’s not something I would ever consider doing again, but I did tell that story a few dozen times before I finally ended up finding the Missing Possibly Imaginary Girl about a year later at a different party – which just led to another scene in the interesting story.

6. It was exactly what I wanted at the time.

It’s almost implied that people will “outgrow” their wild side, at least for the most part. But while you’re choosing to be involved in that scene, there is a reason you identify with it. For me, it was a matter of belonging to something, without being submerged in it. I could party on the weekends, and be a professional employee during the week. I never felt obligated to fit in, because I knew that the scene accepted the parts of me that I wasn’t always able to accept from myself. And, back then, that’s exactly what I needed.

7. It’s an escape from the mundane.

I already mentioned that I was a part-time partier when I was in that scene. It can be exciting to see people who otherwise seem so polished and put-together, breaking all the stereotypes you may have assumed about them – and realizing that you, too, are defying the assumptions that they have about you. It can be something different, and different is beautiful.

8. Because, damn it, it was fun.

Even though I made a number of bad decisions when I was younger, that’s the point of being young and stupid (so to speak). I made mistakes, and I learned. I did things that I can’t even believe I did. I did things that I’d never even consider doing again (such as the large amount of drugs I consumed in a short time period). But I had fun, and I didn’t have to worry about “what might have been” – I just made it happen.

I’ve never really bought into the whole “U-Hauling” idea. I know, it’s really a stereotype that’s largely unfounded, but I honestly can’t wrap my head around it. Then again, I’m really big on my personal space, and tend to move around a bit – staying in one place for a long time doesn’t work for me, and when you live with your girlfriend, there’s always going to be more than just you to think about.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had live-in relationships – I have. I’m in one right now, actually, and most days, it’s sort of nice. But before moving in with your girlfriend, you’ll need to understand that it’s not a simple one-step-and-done process. Moving in with your girlfriend is probably going to change your whole life, and it’s up to you to make sure the changes are good.

1. The relationship is going well.

Maybe you’ve been together for long enough that you “should be” living together by now. (As a side note, this “should” is completely arbitrary – there’s nothing wrong with not living with your girlfriend, as long as you make time for each other.) You might think that it’s the right time for you personally… And that’s good.

2. You notice you spend all your time together anyway.

Whenever you have free time, it’s usually spent together. Of course, this is how it fits around everything else – work, housework, school work, hobbies, family gatherings…

3. You have The Talk.

You bring it up to your girlfriend, as you should, and you talk about it. Maybe it’s easy for you, and you immediately start planning. Maybe it takes a little longer as you have to work out every detail. No matter what, it’s definitely going to be a talk – you can’t just decide to move in with someone without at least bringing it up first.

4. You start working out the details.

Will you live in an all-new place together, or will one of you move in with the other? This is an important thing to think about – but there’s not a single right answer. It’s probably easiest if one of you was already living in a big-enough-for-two area, but in my experience, that tends to leave the newcomer feeling like they’re being invited as a guest, instead of feeling like you’re equals. Maybe moving into her place wasn’t an easier option. Better start looking into those apartments after all.

5. The realtors will probably assume you’re roommates or sisters.

Even if one of you is obviously a stud and one of you is obviously a femme, unless you’re looking in a specifically-gay friendly place, they’re probably going to keep trying to convince you that the two bedroom is just a little more, and no one will have to sleep on the couch…

6. You’ll decide on a place.

The place isn’t perfect – and, in fact, it probably kinda sucks, when you’re used to having that much space all to yourself, and now you’re going to be sharing it with someone else… But it’s cozy, and it fits in your budget, so you know you’ll find a way to make it work.

7. You’ll rent the fabled U-Haul.

Unless you’re lucky enough to either: a) own a pickup truck or van; b) have a good friend who has a pickup truck or van; or c) have literally only enough stuff to fill a few boxes… You’re going to need to rent a truck. And yes, you will feel like a stereotype the whole time. But, on the upside, you’ll learn how to drive a U-Haul.

8. You’ll have to share a closet.

Unless you took the realtor’s advice and upgraded to the two-bedroom, of course, you’ll be sharing a closet now. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a girlfriend with a similar size and style as you have. It hurts a little less to sacrifice something if it’s now an extra something.

9. Your pets will be pissed.

The cats will have to go in carriers. The dogs will have to be put in crates so they stay out of the way. In my experience, the pets don’t really like that – but you haven’t seen anything that quite measures up to a pissed off snake, let me tell you.

10. How will you ever choose what “duplicate things” to keep?

Chances are, you’re getting along well with your girlfriend because you’re pretty similar. There are bound to be some things you both have – such as The L Word DVD sets, flannel bed sets, and of course your trusty (but well-maintained) toys. Whose stays out, whose gets sold in your housewarming yard sale (please, not the sex toys), and whose gets packed into storage? Better rent a storage unit, just in case.

11. Your clothes will mix together.

No matter how diligently you sort your clothes apart from her clothes, at laundry time, everything becomes fair game again. My girlfriend still accuses me of “sabotaging” our favorite hoodie so that it fit me better than it fit her. (I did no such thing, of course, but it has always looked pretty cute on me.)

12. Eventually, you’ll get used to sharing.

Maybe as a stem dating a stud, I sort of lucked out in this category. Thankfully, after a while, my girlfriend stopped complaining about how frequently I snagged her basketball shorts, and just started admiring how cute I looked in them. This is an important relationship milestone.

13. You realize how much the gay bar scene sucks.

In a span of a few minutes, you’re likely to see an ex-girlfriend, a bi-curious girl who’s just itching to ask you questions about “what it’s like” to be gay, the straight guy hoping tonight’s his lucky night, and a sexy single woman who were definitely not in the bar scene when you were “on the market”. Or maybe it’ll be full of other coupled people who are equally as boring as you and your partner have recently become. Either way, you’ll probably have a hard time finding a great lesbian bar to hang out in – so you resolve yourselves to staying in instead, and become even more boring.

14. Your girlfriend will find the mementos from your former loves.

And she will probably ask awkward, uncomfortable questions about them. Be very careful with your answers here – there’s a good chance she’s found the old love letters and already knows the answers, too.

15. Your neighbors will try their hardest to be super friendly.

After all, they want you to know that they’re totally not homophobic. They are totally cool with a pair of homos living across the street. And they definitely don’t mean that “in a gay way”. (How well does sarcasm travel through the internet?)

16. Your friends will mute you on social media, probably.

Selfies? Us-ies? Cat selfies? New bathroom selfies? New bathroom towel selfies? You love all of it, but your friends really don’t care. A few will probably toss a “like” on it just to let you know they’re still up on your life, even though you haven’t actually gone to see them in six months and you really aren’t sure how that even happened.

17. They won’t understand how you got so… boring.

But really, it’s just because you’ve seen how lame the bar scene is if you’re a coupled lesbian, and… No thanks. Besides, Netflix doesn’t require a bra.

18. She will see you cry.

Even if you’re not a crier. I’m totally not, and my girlfriend isn’t, either. But she’s going to see you cry. And poop. Because once you’re living together, there’s no more “I can just do it when I get home”.

19. You realize that you really like it after all.

She sees you cry, but she doesn’t hold it against you – she knows you’re still a badass. And all awkwardness goes out the window, because she doesn’t care how gross you are sometimes – she still loves you just the same.

20. Your pets are pissed again – but you are so happy.

Hey, you’ve settled all in now… Isn’t it time to adopt a new fur baby together? Sure, your other pets aren’t going to like it, but as soon as you saw his cute little face in the window, you knew it was meant to be. So, you get the cat, or the dog, or the tadpole, or whatever you get. The point is, it’s yours, collectively, and the perfect start to your future together. Congratulations – you have successfully merged. Now don’t forget to call your friends every now and then!

Ladies, do you still keep in touch with your exs even after moving on with someone else? Or are you paranoid about your girlfriend staying friends with her ex?

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Join the conversation and share your views below.

I think we’ve all had that one relationship that completely destroyed our whole sense of self after it’s over. Whether the relationship was the best you’d ever had and the break-up seemed to come out of nowhere, or it was a catastrophe from right out the gate, it’s going to be hard to get over. And, unfortunately, there’s not much of a way around that.

Any time a relationship has a big impact on you, it can be easy to neglect your self-care – and sometimes it starts before the relationship even ends. Truthfully, these are always important, but in times of vulnerability, it’s always a little harder than usual.

Whether you’re going through a romantic break-up, a friendship break-up, or just getting close to a break-down, you should pay attention to these 6 areas. Working on them can make a huge difference in your life, and it might even make it easier to get over what’s going wrong.

1. Think of the things you have to be grateful for.

I’m not going to get into that whole “don’t be sad – someone else has it worse” spiel. Of course someone else probably has it worse. That doesn’t take away your pain, and the people who try to push you for that aren’t really making things better. But reframing your thoughts can make you feel better about things.

If you keep a journal, try to make a page of things that you are grateful for. I’ve got dedicated “gratitude logs” littered throughout my journal, and it’s really refreshing. After a couple of weeks of pushing myself to be grateful for the things I had (both material and non-material), I found that it was so much easier to think of the positive side of things.

It’ll probably be hard to think of things at first, especially if the wounds from the break-up are still fresh. But remember, the things you’re grateful for don’t need to have anything to do with the things that hurt you. Sometimes it’s just a matter of looking at things a different way. Put on a little weight in the relationship? “I’m grateful that my weight is something I can control.” Found out that some of your friends weren’t looking out for your best interests? “I’m grateful that I’m learning who my real friends are.” Devastated by a drastic change in your long-term plans? “I’m grateful that I have a chance to move my life in a more positive direction.”

After a while, you’ll find that it starts getting easier to find things to be grateful about. Not only do you identify your blessings faster, but you also start looking forward to acknowledging your gratitude – instead of just feeling those positive feelings once, they’ll all flood back every time you pay attention to them again. It really is a win-win.

2. Create a routine – and stick with it.

Most of us try to stick to some type of schedule, and usually just creating a schedule will help commit it to memory so that it’s easier to repeat it. It might seem boring to do the same thing every day, but realistically, humans are creatures of habit. You’ll need to make sure those habits are good.

My daily self-care routine involves drinking a full bottle of water first thing when I wake up, brushing my teeth and hair, and squeezing a little exercise in before I start working. Many days, there’s coffee involved, and admittedly breakfast falls in a little less often (which I’m trying to work on). Creating positive habits is definitely not a one-time thing. In fact, most people believe it takes about 21 days to turn something into a habit.

The reality is that it’s a little deeper than that, though. It takes the body 21 days to start developing a habit – but that habit isn’t set in stone until about day 30. That means you’ve got to do something for an entire month before it happens without thinking about it. Many people give up too soon, which ruins the habit formation and makes your body more resistant to it in the future. This is because your brain tells you, “I’ve already done that before, and failed, why waste my time trying again?”

Deprogramming this thought process can be a difficult process in itself – but we’ll get to that in just a minute. Just keep in mind that it’s definitely not impossible, no matter what your brain tries to tell you.

3. Write it out.

Those of you who have read my posts before know that I am a huge advocate for journaling, and a lot of people might think that they’re “not good at journaling”. But, just with the habit thing, that’s 100% in your head. There is no such thing as someone who’s not able to work out their emotions. Maybe traditional journaling doesn’t work very well for you, but there are other methods that could help you more.

If it helps, you can try writing out a letter to whoever has you hurting, whether that’s your ex-best-friend, your first love, or even yourself, if appropriate for you. Writing it in a letter can help you center your thoughts and get closure, even if you’re not able to get “real” closure with the person. You don’t need to make it neat, or even logical – you’re not actually going to send this letter. It’s just for your own sanity.

I understand the idea of writing a letter to someone who broke your heart might sound like the last thing you want to do. But knowing that this person will never actually see the letter gives you the freedom to be completely candid in it – saying everything you were never able to say to his or her face. If drawing out your emotions is better for you, do that – just make sure you’re getting all the emotions out on the page.

4. Identify what makes you happy – and do it!

Sometimes, a relationship takes a huge chunk of your self-love out of the picture entirely, and for whatever reason, you’ll have a hard time remembering what makes you happy. That’s okay. You have all the time in the world. As long as the things that make you happy don’t interfere with anyone else and the way they live their lives (at least, not in a negative way), your self-care is too important for you to worry about meeting someone else’s deadlines.

Get a massage, or go for a walk. Read a book, or watch your favorite movie (as long as it’s not a sappy love story – right after a break-up is probably the worst time to watch chick flicks). Draw, color, or look up some inspirational quotes. I find affirmations to be helpful in my own life, but I understand that not everyone will respond well to them. (I think you have to believe in their power in order for them to work – but it may be hard to differentiate between cause and effect here.)

You should try to avoid any happy things that involve food or shopping, as these have a potential to cause their own problems. Instead, focus on things that don’t cost any money, if possible. (Yes, I know that I put massages on this list, which can be quite expensive – but, hopefully, you’ve got a friend who’s willing to help out here, if it doesn’t fit into your budget. If you can afford it, though, a professional massage therapist is going to be able to make magic that your friends probably won’t.)

5. Forgive yourself – but learn the applicable lessons.

It’s so easy to start blaming yourself when a relationship ends, and realistically, you probably do have some faults. (Of course you have some faults in life in general, but every now and then a relationship ends where one person is definitely more “at fault” than the other.) Even if that person happens to have been you, it’s important that you forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Your ex doesn’t have to forgive you, and she probably won’t – at least for a while. But you do need to forgive yourself, otherwise you’re not going to learn anything from the experience.

This is a bit of a simplification, though. Before you can forgive yourself, you’ll need to acknowledge the things you did wrong. You have to identify your mistakes, then identify what you could have done differently. Then, you must forgive yourself for not doing the “better way” the first time, and give yourself permission to try it again the other way the next time the situation comes up.

It seems like a good time to repeat that your ex is under no obligation to forgive you, or even speak to you again. Try not to blame her if she doesn’t. You can’t ever fix the things that have gone wrong, and some people aren’t willing to wait around for you to try. You have to forgive yourself for this, too.

The important thing here is that you don’t make the same mistakes again. As relatively harmless as they may have seemed the first time, if you make the mistakes again, it’s significantly more likely to manifest itself as a habit. Try to avoid forming these negative habits, as preventing them is much easier than reversing them.

6. Remove all the deadlines from yourself.

If you haven’t done so already, get rid of any timelines you might have considered for your “moving on” process. There is no due date. Setting one will probably backfire, too. The mind (and heart) rarely work exactly according to plan, and setting either one on a tight deadline is probably going to make the entire process so much harder on you.

Instead of focusing on “when” you should be over the break-up, you should focus on how you should get over it. Do the things that make you happy. Let go of the things that don’t make you happy. Play around with new ideas you’d never considered – sometimes it takes a bit of creativity to move past a rough patch. Don’t get yourself stuck in a corner by painting imaginary walls around yourself.

And most of all, give yourself permission to move on. Tell yourself, out loud, that it’s okay for you to be hurt, and it’s also okay for you to be happy. Don’t make things any harder on yourself than they need to be.

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I think it’s one of the biggest lesbian stereotypes out there: Lesbians give their exes a few too many chances. I know it’s been true in my own life, and I know a lot of women who have gone back to their worst ex, time and time again, and then blow off the woman who would literally do anything for her. I almost lost my current girlfriend that way, before we were even together… Thankfully, she’s one of very few people I’ve ever met who are more stubborn than I am.

It can be extra difficult if your ex wants to give things another try, but you’re already ready to move on. It can be difficult to remember why you broke up, when at that exact moment, all you want to do is run back to the relative safety of your already-established relationship. (The single life is hard sometimes!) But, there are some ways you can keep yourself from making this mistake – just remember this little list when she tries to come crawling back.

1. Remember why you broke up.

People can change, but that doesn’t mean you have to forgive her for the way(s) she hurt you. If she royally screwed up the relationship, you don’t have to give her another chance just because she asks.

2. Remember who you are as a person.

Often, when we’re in a “big” relationship (whether it’s long-term or just has a huge impact on you), we tend to lose sight of who we are without a partner. If you can’t remember who you are without your ex, it’s definitely not time to be in a relationship yet – especially not with the same person it already went wrong with once.

3. Remember what you love about yourself.

The desire to go back to someone who treated you badly (or who you were simply not right for) can be overwhelming if you have personal insecurities. This is especially true if she ever told you that you’d never find anyone better. Just the fact that she says this means you definitely can. Focus on your positive qualities and the things you have to offer to the right person.

4. Remember what you liked about your ex.

Believe it or not, it is good to think of the positives – but remember that they’re just memories. If things were still like they were in the “good old days”, you wouldn’t have broken up. Instead of using her positive traits as an excuse to let her back into your life, use them to help define what you’re looking for out of your next partner. Keep in mind that you can’t force your new girlfriend to share your ex’s positive traits, and you shouldn’t compare her to your ex. Try to separate her qualities from her person as much as possible.

5. Remember what you didn’t like about her, too.

Just as important as the positive things you liked, it’s important to remember the things you didn’t like. Of course, recounting everything she ever did “wrong” won’t do either of you any good. Instead, focus on the things that you won’t put up with again – and remind yourself how many of these she was guilty of. You deserve to not feel the same type of pain twice.

6. Remember that you deserve some “you” time.

For those of us who have spent most of our “adult” lives (I’m including the teen years here) in a relationship, it can be really hard to be happy single. From a scientific standpoint, though, women aren’t actually happier when they’re in a relationship. A happy relationship will have no noticeable mental health improvements over being single, but an unhappy relationship has the potential to plummet your mental and physical health.

7. Remember that she needs time, too.

The urge to go back to our exes is, in short, a lazy move. People go back to their exes when they’re too lazy to move on and let themselves heal – it’s easier to fall back into old habits than to adapt to a new situation. If your ex is trying to come back into your life, you might need to be the voice of reason for her. Tell her that you’re focusing on yourself right now and that she should really do the same.

8. Remember everything you sacrificed to make the relationship work the first time.

Most of us make sacrifices in our relationships – it’s a healthy part of the relationship. But sometimes, we get drawn into making sacrifices that we didn’t actually want to make – and this isn’t a compromise as much as it is “pruning”. If you can identify at least one thing that you gave up for your ex that you really want to get back, work on that instead of letting her back into your life. Most of the time, relationships fall apart when one person feels that they’re giving up more than their partner. If you’re the one who gave up more, use this to strengthen your resolve.

9. Remember your faults, too.

Guess what – most relationships don’t fall entirely on one person or the other. Most likely, you both made mistakes, and if you’ve got some big ones, you need to remember how they impacted your ex. Chances are, if she’s trying to come back into your life, she’s not remembering these things. You probably don’t need to list everything you did wrong – chances are, that’ll just cause unnecessary drama – but you should remind her that you two are wrong for each other.

10. Remember that you can’t be friends with someone you’re in love with.

If your ex tries to get back together, and your compromise is to just be friends, stop. You’re not doing her any favors – you’re only giving her false hope. As humans, we are incapable of being “just friends” with someone we’re in love with. It’s torture, and it’ll only prolong the pain. If either of you is still holding onto feelings for the other, it’s too soon to be friends.

11. Remember that you don’t have to reply.

For a long time, I believed that every text message needed a response. I was actually the type of person to apologize if someone messaged me when I was busy – like it was my fault that they messaged me at a bad time. Not everything needs a response – sometimes, the strongest answer is no answer at all.

12. Remember that no one can tell you what’s right – except you.

There are going to be situations where you’re the only one who thinks you’re making the right choice. That’s okay. You don’t need to validate yourself. If you think that going back to your ex is the right move, after you’ve gone through all these steps, then by all means – give it another chance. Only you and your ex know what the situation is really like – everyone else can only speculate. Just remember to address the issues that you found in the previous steps.

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There is a process to moving on from a breakup. This process isn’t an exact science – some people can skip a step or two and be just fine, while others will take significantly more time as they fully calculate every step and make sure things are just right before they move forward. Neither of these is right or wrong – it’s just a matter of how you process things. Just knowing this fact doesn’t make anything any easier – but it can help if you remember a few things along the way.

Moving on takes time.

Exactly how much time is going to be different for everyone, and every breakup. You could be over things in just a few days (which isn’t very likely when it’s been a meaningful relationship), or it could take you years. Don’t try to rush yourself – just as you can’t “will” a broken bone to heal, you can’t “will” a broken heart to heal, either. The more you focus on getting over her, the longer you’re letting her be a fixture in your mind – which is counterproductive. Instead, give yourself time to become your own best friend. This will help so much more!

The bigger portion of your life she represented, the longer it’s going to take.

This is why some people (myself included) consciously delay attachment to a person. Sure, it doesn’t always work – and in fact, most of the time, it backfires. But the more you love a person, the more it’s going to hurt to let them go. Remember that old saying “it’s better to have loved and lost” and all that goes along with it? It’s true – even the worst relationships will have given you a learning experience, and the best relationships will let you know what you deserve in the future. Usually, the length of the relationship will play a role in the healing time required, but I have had some short relationships (less than three months) that meant more to me than an eighteen-month relationship – each situation will be different.

There is no rush, and there is no obligation.

No one else has the right to push you past a relationship – no matter what their position in your life is. I’ve had family members who tried to take me out to meet someone new before me and my ex had even broken up officially. I’ve had exes who “checked up on me” to make sure I was okay and that I was getting over them well enough. (Hint: These messages should be ignored, because her stated intentions are probably not her actual intentions.) I’ve had friends who tried to set me up with someone else within days of a big breakup – the one I call “The Big Breakup” – and it usually ended up with me drunk and crying. Seriously, letting someone push you around after a breakup is probably the worst thing you can let happen. Tell them you need time for yourself.

Don’t make it all about her.

The more power you give her over your life, the harder it’s going to be to let go. This means that every time you have the opportunity to blame something on her, ignore the opportunity. It might seem like placing the blame on her will free you from the spell she had over you, but truthfully, it’s letting her keep her hold on you, with no effort on her part. Talk about unintended consequences! Instead, identify your own faults as well, and focus on fixing those. You can’t fix a relationship that’s already ended, and you have nothing to gain by making it all her fault.

Breathe – and pamper yourself.

Just because you’ve identified your own faults doesn’t mean that you can’t spoil yourself a little. You deserve happiness and peace, and putting yourself in a more relaxing situation can help you naturally process things. If you meditate, do it! If you’d rather relax at the spa, find a good friend to go with you, and take advantage of the healing power of a stranger’s hands. (Note: I’m talking about a massage, not sex.) No matter how you like to relax, give yourself extra time to relax – your brain is going to be a mess of stress for a while, and it’s easier to erase these things if they’re not causing you unnecessary stress. Deal with the stress, and dealing with the pain will be easier.

Rebounding doesn’t actually help.

Often, we can be tempted to hook up with someone else to force ourselves over a relationship gone wrong. It doesn’t work – it just confuses you, and potentially causes even more pain. This is especially true if the person you’re rebounding with doesn’t know your situation, but it’s not always easy to tell your problems to a stranger. The obvious answer here is to not get with the rebound hookup, but to instead wait until you’ve healed.

Just because you still think about her doesn’t mean that you still want to be with her.

You can get over someone and still think about them on a regular basis. Especially if she was a big part of your life for a long time, understandably, she’s going to be on your mind. You shouldn’t try to erase her memory completely – chances are, you’d be letting go of more than just the pain if you do – but you should understand that things aren’t the same. You’re allowed to have happy memories with her. You’re allowed to have sad and angry memories with her. You should never be ashamed of your memories – you can’t change them, you can only keep them from repeating themselves… And you can’t do that if you pretend they never happened.

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We all have our own expectations when it comes to our relationships. Different preferences, different “types”, and different labels make everything complicated, and every person has a slightly different idea of what’s truly perfect. But if your girlfriend has these 28 qualities and you don’t offer her the same in return, she’s secretly perfect – and she deserves a partner who will step up to the plate and be perfect with her. Are you willing to be that person?

1. She doesn’t check in all the time.

She expects you to tell her if you’re not going to keep your promises to her, but she doesn’t bother asking you about every second of your day. She trusts you, and she has her own stuff going on.

2. She carries her own bags.

Not only does she not need your help, but she’s proud to carry the things she’s earned. She makes her own money, so she doesn’t mind carrying her own wallet. She buys her own gifts, so she’ll carry the bags without question. If it’s something she needs help with, she’ll ask, but she’s not going to expect help for the things she’s capable of doing herself.

3. She doesn’t expect you to be a gentleman/gentlewoman.

Even though she appreciates when you do the chivalrous things like pulling out her chair and opening doors for her, she understands that you deserve that treatment, too. She won’t make a fuss if you don’t treat her like a queen, because she already knows she is a queen.

4. She refuses to apologize for the things she can’t change.

She knows her body is perfect as is, and if you can’t accept it, you don’t deserve to see it naked. She’s not hung up on that little bit of extra weight she put on when she was off work, and she’s not going to apologize that her butt doesn’t look like J-Lo’s. She won’t change her appearance just because you don’t like something – she’s the one who has to live with it. Not you.

5. She doesn’t expect to get along with all of your friends – but she’ll still be nice.

She respects the fact that there are going to be some disagreements, but she knows she’s not dating your friends – she’s dating you. She would never be rude to them, just because she doesn’t particularly care for them, and she won’t badmouth them, because that’s not very mature.

6. She knows what’s best, but she doesn’t micromanage.

Most likely, she’ll have an idea of your schedule, so she’ll be able to remind you to return that shirt that was the wrong size – but she’s not going to pester you about doing it when she thinks it should be done. That is, of course, unless you ask for more detailed help – she doesn’t mind giving you advice when you ask for it.

7. She’s reliable and dependable.

If she says she’s going to be somewhere, she will. If something else comes up that’s more important, she’ll let you know so you’re not waiting around for her. But she won’t expect you to drop your plans just because she can’t attend – she knows it’s just as important that you have your own time as it is that you have “couple” time.

8. She spends time with friends and family, without you sometimes.

She doesn’t expect you to want to see her mom as much as she does, and she knows that you don’t like all of her friends. If she’s going to spend the night at her sister’s place, she might invite you along, but she’s not going to be upset if you politely decline. All of the relationships in her life are important, and that means that she’s going to fly solo sometimes. Believe it or not, she’s okay with that.

9. She’s mature enough to have the difficult conversations.

If there’s something you’ve done that bothers her, she won’t hesitate to bring it up. She doesn’t care about awkwardness, because part of being in a relationship is being comfortable with the important issues – even if they don’t seem so important to you at the time. She knows what’s important to her and she won’t settle for anything less.

10. She gets emotional with movies and songs.

Love songs are enough to make her smile, because she’s thinking of you when she hears them. Sad movies will make her cry, and she won’t try to hide those tears. She knows that emotions are important, even the “silly” ones.

11. She tells you what she wants in the bedroom.

She won’t apologize if she tells you “no” for something you want to do to her – after all, that’s her body, and it’s a privilege that you get to touch it. She accepts that you’re going to do the same sometimes, and she wants your honesty when it comes to what you want.

12. She would never ask you to choose between her and your family.

She understands that she doesn’t have to get along with your family, but that doesn’t mean that she can place herself above them. She’s mature enough to realize that there is room in your life for both types of relationship and she’d never have it any other way.

13. She does her best to get along with the important people in your life.

They might not see eye to eye, but you’re important to her, and she knows that they are important to you – and, by association, that means that getting along with them is important to her, too. She won’t sacrifice her core beliefs, but she will “play nice” and make sure she’s fair with the things she says about them.

14. She actually orders what she wants to eat.

If she orders a salad, you know it’s because she actually wants a salad – not because she feels the need to watch her figure. If she wants a burger, she’s going to order a burger, and she probably won’t appreciate you ordering for her – unless, of course, she asks for help deciding.

15. She surprises you with things she thinks you’ll like.

The gifts she gets you aren’t things she wants you to like – they’re things you actually already like. She knows that she’s with you because of who you are, not because of who she could turn you into.

16. She won’t tolerate your bullshit.

She’s going to call you on your crap when you’re out of line, and she genuinely wants you to do the same to her. She knows that relationships aren’t about agreeing all the time, but about helping each other become the best possible version of ourselves.

17. She gives you space after a fight.

She knows that people sometimes need space to cool down, so she’ll give it to you, without you having to ask. She won’t chase you if you walk out the door – she knows you’ll be back when you’re ready to talk things out more calmly.

18. She doesn’t feel the need to have the upper hand.

She knows that there’s no reason you should be competing – you should be equal partners. Neither of you needs to be “better” or “more in-control” than the other, because that’s childish stuff she left in high school.

19. She doesn’t compare you to anyone else.

Even if she used to date Michelle Rodriguez or Beyonce (or maybe just a look-alike), she’ll never compare you to them, because she knows that people are all unique and comparisons serve no practical purpose. She doesn’t hold you to any unrealistic expectations.

20. She’s not in it for the title.

Whether she personally wants to get married or not, she understands that a lack of a marriage certificate doesn’t invalidate your relationship. There’s no race to a specific title, and she’d rather have a loving girlfriend than a loveless wife. It’s all about quality with her, not labels.

21. She lets you know she cares.

She might not come right out and say she loves you every time the thought crosses her mind, but you’ll know the feeling is there. You’ll never have to question her feelings, because she’s not two-faced about things. She has no time to play games, because she’s too busy being an amazing girlfriend.

22. She encourages you to reach for the stars.

She’s your own personal cheerleader, but she’s not going to push you into something that you don’t want. She knows that it’s important to have your own goals, and she doesn’t really mind if your ambitions are different than hers – as long as you have some ambition.

23. She doesn’t try to make you jealous.

There’s no benefit for her to let you know about all the people who want her – because she only wants you. All those other people are irrelevant, and she’ll politely shut them down without needing you to step in and “protect her honor”.

24. She takes care of herself.

She doesn’t need you to cook for her or clean up after her or remind her to change her socks – because she is an adult. She doesn’t mind doing things for you, but she will let you know if she thinks you need to step up – she’s not going to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, or all the dog-walking. She doesn’t want to be your mother or your child – she wants to be your partner.

25. She has her own opinions.

Some of her opinions are naturally going to align with yours, but she understands that a difference of opinions doesn’t mean that you can’t get along. There might be an occasional “I don’t know” thrown in there, but she’s not going to wait for you to think for her.

26. She would never put you down to her friends or family – even jokingly.

You feel confident that she’s sticking up for you, even when you’re apart, and she doesn’t make blanket statements. She is happy to be with you, and she’s with you because she wants to be – not because she’s settling.

27. She knows what she wants in life.

She might not have everything mapped out, but she has at least a general idea of what she wants to do with her life, and you know that she includes you in these plans when possible. She doesn’t feel the need to run everything by you first, because she knows that she doesn’t need you – she wants you.

28. You feel lucky to be with her – because you are.

If you feel like she’s out of your league, and not because of her looks, it’s because she’s amazing. However, she’d never throw it in your face that she’s better than you, because she knows that people are different. All she wants is for you to treat her with love and respect – and not because of some bogus princess complex. It’s because she knows she deserves respect, and she knows she doesn’t have to be with someone who won’t treat her like an equal.

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When it comes to getting over your ex, there are so many different “words of wisdom” being passed around. Or, as I’d like to call them, “words of wis-dumb” – because some of these things are really, really dumb. One of the worst ideas that’s passed off as a good idea is the idea of just getting with someone else. The thought process is that you can’t love two people at the same time, so by forcing yourself to love someone new, you also force yourself to get over the person who broke your heart.

There are a few different problems with this theory, though. First, it implies that you can choose who you love – which, we all know, couldn’t be further from the truth. You might be able to choose who you’re with, but relationships don’t actually imply love – nor does love imply a relationship.

Second, this implies that your feelings for your ex are more important than this new woman’s feelings for you, which is really a selfish way to start a relationship. When you use someone for a rebound, it’s more likely that you’re going to end up with two broken hearts than it is that you’ll mend the one that’s already broken.

Lastly, it’s just wrong – and here are a few reasons why. If you have more reasons to add, feel free to mention them in the comments!

1. Because her feelings are just as important as yours.

It is entirely possible to love two people at the same time – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for someone to only get half of your heart. This woman could actually love you the way you need to be loved, but if you’re still hung up on your ex, you can’t love her the way she deserves.

2. Because no one deserves to be used.

Even if she knows about your situation and says she’s okay with it, chances are, she’s not. It’s a lot healthier for both of you if you wait until there’s no confusion in your heart.

3. Because relationships shouldn’t be about making a statement.

I’m not saying I’ve never dated someone to prove a point. (Hello, you’re talking to someone who’s had multiple “boyfriends of convenience” before I was ready to fully come out.) But that doesn’t make it right – and it can seriously hurt the other person, especially if they don’t know that you’re just using them.

4. Because you need time to be single.

If you get with the rebound girl, you’re effectively screwing yourself out of your actual recovery time. You might not want to be single – but you deserve to be single for a while. Not because you did anything wrong (necessarily), but because there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first.

5. Because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

The only reason you should be with someone is because you want to be with them. Logically, this means that any other reason is wrong.

6. Because no one wants to be someone’s rebound.

Okay, this one’s a generalization, and I have known some people who don’t do “official” who really like being the “stepping stone” between a healthy relationship and self-acceptance. But these people are in the minority, and generally tend to be the type to start the rebound process before the previous relationship is over. Just don’t.

7. Because it doesn’t work.

Getting with someone else just to help you get over someone else will backfire. The way we’re programmed, we get attached to people we have sex with and cuddle with and spend a lot of time with. But falling for one person won’t free you from your attachment to the other person – you’ll just get confused.

8. Because you deserve better.

You deserve to have a real relationship, and that means you’ll need to get through the hard parts the right way. You deserve to give yourself time. You deserve to pamper yourself without someone new calling for your attention. You deserve to process your feelings instead of just masking them. And most of all, you deserve to give your whole heart to the person who deserves it – without anything holding you to the past.

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It’s long been assumed that introverts don’t flirt, or even that they don’t know how to flirt. While that might be true for some of us, it’s definitely not a fact of life that just needs to be accepted. Truthfully, anyone can flirt – it’s just a matter of finding a way that doesn’t make you feel totally awkward and uncomfortable.

For some of us, that’s easier said than done.

Personally, I’m more of the try to look cute and wait for her to make the first move type of flirter. (Yeah, technically that counts – says me.) It doesn’t exactly have the highest success rate, but what can I say? I don’t need a girlfriend, but I do need someone who’s going to be able to take charge when my insecurities get out of hand. If a woman isn’t able to make the first move with me, there are likely to be some other problems down the road… So I don’t mind if I get passed over sometimes.

If you’re tired of getting passed over by the more outgoing women, here’s what you need to do to get the ball rolling – without making an ass out of yourself.

1. Keep your flirting friendly.

If you’re worried about rejection, it’s best if your flirting style implies an “out”: That is, if she turns you down, you’ll be able to respond with “Oh no – you misunderstood me! I just want to be your friend!” Even if it’s not actually true, it can help take some of the sting out of rejection if you can pretend that you weren’t actually interested like that in the first place. Of course, if she starts flirting back, the lines might get a little fuzzy, but with enough banter, it’s possible that your inhibitions will get a little lowered, and you’ll be able to make the next step. Just remember: A rejection of your flirting is not automatically a rejection of you, so if a woman wants to just be friends, respect that. She could end up turning into your best friend.

2. Use compliments, not pick-up lines.

If you want to work your way into someone’s heart, it’s best if you compliment them, rather than boosting yourself. After all, shameless self-promotion can be smelled from a mile away, and there aren’t too many people who can actually get away with cocky pick-up lines. Focus on her – this can help with any self-esteem issues you might have, because you’re consciously redirecting the attention away from yourself.

3. Don’t forget to smile.

Smiling not only shows that you’re interested, but it also makes you look more interesting. As someone with permanent “Resting Bitch Face”, let me tell you – if you look mean, no one’s going to approach you, and that makes things hard. Don’t try to force it out if you’re really not having a good time, because most people can tell a fake smile, but don’t try to hide it if one comes out on its own.

4. Don’t try too hard.

Sometimes, when an introvert is trying to look sexy, it’s really awkward because you can tell that they’re trying so hard. The easiest solution: Don’t! Even if your romantic interest doesn’t pick up on your exaggerations, it’s going to set a false bar for future efforts, and if it’s not something you’re comfortable with, it’ll be hard for you the whole time. Instead, stay true to yourself – many outgoing women actually prefer shy partners. (Something about balance I think… I don’t know.)

5. Explore your other options.

If flirting face-to-face isn’t your thing, maybe online dating will be a little easier for you. I’m a lot better with written words than spoken ones, and for me, it’s easier to approach someone if I have ample opportunity to type and re-type what I’m going to say before I actually say the words. It’s not for everyone, and there are some extra implied risks when meeting someone from the internet, but that doesn’t mean the outcome is always bad. I’ve been in the same started-online relationship for over two years now, and it’s actually working out pretty well. (Full disclosure: She still approached me, but I had a much easier time responding to her flirting then than I do now that we live together. Whoops.)

6. Let go and have fun.

It shouldn’t be all about flirting, honestly. Like I said before, there are some people who are specifically attracted to shy women, and all you really have to do is show up, look nice, and wait for someone to approach you. It seems silly, but it works sometimes – go with it! It’s nice to be the one pursued from time to time, and if you seem like the kind of person someone wants to be with – the kind of person who knows how to have a good time, whether you’re with your friends or a partner or even all by yourself – you’re going to look at least ten times more attractive than the woman who’s turning flirting into a job. Relax – dating isn’t all that serious!

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Love is a beautiful thing. The feelings we get when we see the person we love looking back at us are magical, and really hard to find in any other place. (I’ve heard people say that they want someone who looks at them the way they look at the waiter bringing their food, but I think that’s a little weird, myself.) For the longest time, I actually thought that loving someone who loved you back was a total myth, and people just settled for someone who was interested in them. Then again, I think I was ten when I came up with that theory, so maybe that explains some things that are wrong with it.

Love is also an ugly thing, though. It involves seeing the ugliest parts of someone and choosing to stand by their side anyway. It involves caring for them when they’re not able to care for themselves, and it involves giving up things that you thought were important – until something more important came along. Love involves kissing them, even when they’ve got the worst morning breath in the world, and kindly reminding them they need to brush their teeth. It involves putting up with things you wouldn’t even tolerate from yourself – but accepting them as a part of that person.

There are a million things that you’ll do for the woman you love – how many are you doing now? Do you have more to add? Share them in the comments!

1. Clean up her puke.

Vomit is gross – but if your love is sick, you’re probably going to clean it up, and then complain about it to her later, when she’s not sick anymore.

2. Pick up after her.

Sure, just like the vomit, you’re probably going to complain about this one later, but you’ll do it if you need to.

3. Change your plans.

I’m a stickler for concrete plans – so if I actually switch my plans around for someone, I really care about her. Other planning fanatics will probably agree.

4. Work things out.

I used to be notorious for walking away at the first sight of trouble. When it’s love, you don’t do that – you try to find a happy middle-ground.

5. Watch her favorite movies a hundred times.

So her favorite movie is The Notebook and you’d rather be watching Night of the Living Dead. You compromise… And watch The Notebook. Twice.

6. Pop her back pimples.

This one’s pretty gross, but if your woman can’t reach a pimple that’s getting pretty uncomfortable, who else is she going to get to do it?

7. Listen to the same stories repeatedly.

You already know the story word-for-word, but the way she tells it is just so cute…

8. Question yourself.

You’ve always been a carnivore, but your love is a die-hard vegan… So you wonder if maybe it’s better. You wouldn’t even try this for anyone else.

9. Show her off.

Maybe no one else understands what you see in her, but that doesn’t stop you from introducing her as your better half.

10. Trust her with your darkest secrets.

No one else knows that you wet the bed until you were 7, or you once accidentally set someone’s treehouse on fire, or that you used to sneak the Victoria’s Secret catalogs out of your neighbor’s mailbox… But she does.

11. Dress up in a style that’s not exactly your own.

So your girlfriend prefers butch women, but you couldn’t be more feminine. Every now and then, you’ll throw on something she likes, because she likes it – even if you think you look ridiculous.

12. Protect her at all costs.

Even if you’re not the protective type, chances are, you’d do anything to make sure your love stays safe. Hopefully it never comes to that, but you’re ready – just in case.

13. Share your pillows.

For the longest time, I owned one pillow. When I got with my partner, I let her use my pillow – and I cuddled up to her instead. It wasn’t perfect (and now I think we have about a dozen different pillows), but it’s something I’d never do for anyone else.

14. Kiss her with morning breath.

This is one of the grossest parts of a loving relationship – but she’s still just as amazing when her breath smells like death as she is with fresh, minty pearly-whites.

15. Deal with her under-the-blanket farting.

This is another one that’s pretty gross, but hey – you can’t always help when you’ve got to pass gas… Especially when you’re sleeping. You love her, so you’ve learned not to pull the covers over your head at bed time.

16. Buy/make her gifts, just because.

We tend to get gifts for people for a multitude of reasons. But for the woman you love, that’s all the reason you need: You love her!

17. Pet-sit, even though her pet is a jerk.

Your girlfriend has to go out of town for six days and needs someone to watch her evil cat or her rude parrot? Not a problem – you know how to handle the situation without pulling a Tanya. (This is a The L Word reference, by the way.)

18. Introduce her to your family.

Once we move away from home, it’s not really necessary for our parents to meet everyone we’re with – but for the woman who means a little something special, you’re going to bring her back to the house and make sure your whole family knows how important she is.

19. Change your name.

This one isn’t universal, and there are a number of good reasons to not change your name. Likewise, there are a good portion of people who wouldn’t mind changing their last name even if they didn’t get married. (I almost changed my last name when I was 16, but decided to wait until I finally get married instead.) But, for the woman you love, it’s likely to be on your mind, at least in passing.

20. Be a better person.

While the best changes come from within, the love of a good woman can inspire you to be the best version of yourself. If you’re not motivated enough on your own, let her be your light.

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Being in a long-term relationship is an experience that’s somehow both invigorating and peaceful, all at the same time. You’ve got the excitement of having sex whenever you want, with minimal effort required on your appearance beforehand. It’s also pretty structured – you know who you’re going to wake up next to, who you’re going to fall asleep next to, and who you’re going to share the details in between with.

And then, one day it ends, and for a little while, it feels like the end of the world.

Only… It’s not! After a while, things get better, and you start to let go of the things that went wrong. You’ve hopefully done some reflection to understand what you messed up, and what was just your partner being unreasonable. You pick up all the pieces of yourself, and you’re ready to get back out on the market again.

Now what?

Move out.

If you and your ex live together, you’ll obviously need to move out before you begin dating anyone else. It seems obvious, but that’s hard sometimes. But picture things from your potential new partner’s perspective: Would you want to date someone who lives in the same house as the last person she had sex with? Probably not. If this means it takes you a while to start dating again, let it take a while. There’s no rush.

Cut contact.

This can be a difficult choice to make, especially if the two of you have unresolved issues or want to try to stay friends. It’s important to realize that trying to push a friendship with someone you still have feelings for is pretty much impossible – save yourself the pain, and avoid those awkward talks, at least for now. If you have a child or pet to transport between the two of you, try and find someone to mediate until all the hostility and attraction is gone from both parties.

Don’t try to rush into anything.

If you were in your last relationship for a really long time, there’s going to be a part of you that doesn’t even know what to do without a partner anymore. Ignore that part – that’s where addictions and habits come from. Instead, focus on being single for a while. There’s no scientific way to know when you’re ready, so it’s best if you let things come to you.

Don’t play games, either.

Just because you’re keeping some space for yourself doesn’t mean you can play with someone else’s emotions. Be clear about your situation, and don’t take advantage of anyone else’s. There is still a chance that someone’s feelings will be hurt – but it’ll hurt so much more if you’re dishonest about it.

Insist on using protection.

Anytime you’re having sex with someone new, you should be using protection until you’re 100% certain that there’s nothing to worry about. It’s a good idea to avoid sexual situations anyway, but sometimes things happen – just make sure you’re being careful about it. (Also, it’s always a good idea to get tested regularly – especially if you’re having sex with multiple partners or not using proper protection.)

Understand that this new woman is not your ex.

It’s pretty normal to accidentally project your insecurities onto your partner – but be careful that you’re not punishing her for someone else’s actions. The same is true for any positive traits your ex had. Make sure you’re not holding your new partner to an unfair expectation. She is not obligated to do the same things for you that your ex might have.

Understand she doesn’t want to hear about your ex, either.

I get it – this woman was a part of your life for however many years, and she’s going to be in a lot of your stories. Do yourself and your new date a favor – don’t tell those stories yet. Give it some time for the new relationship to develop a little before you start sharing those. And if the story involves sex? Trash it, right now. Trust me on this one. Your new girlfriend is never going to want to hear that story.

Take a deep breath.

If your relationship lasted more than a few years, it’s normal to want to pick up where you left off in your last relationship. My current girlfriend and I had both gotten out of a four-year relationship not too long before we got together, and the first few months were a bit awkward, to say the least. But things mellowed out eventually, as they should. Remember that, even once you have a new girlfriend and things are starting to get serious, it should probably take you longer to be as committed in this relationship when compared to your last one. If you find yourself tempted to merge sooner, take a deep breath and remember that this relationship is newer than it feels.

Don’t take things so seriously.

This is a hard one for me – I have a hard time loosening up and going with the flow sometimes. Once you’re used to the structure of a long-term live-in relationship, the chaos of something newer is almost overwhelming. Don’t forget to stop every now and then and have a laugh at yourself – it’s good for the soul!

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Whether you want to admit it or not, dating is definitely a game. There is a calculated way that you can win every time – which basically boils down to DGAF – and there are definitely ways you can lose. In fact, if you’re dating a woman who’s better at playing the game than you are, you’re going to lose. Hands down.

Of course, since it is (basically) a game, that means you can get better at it – by taking cues from the woman who’s won ‘em all. Take a look at this list and see how many apply to you and/or your woman-of-interest. According to the list, who’s winning?

1. Confidence.

Self-confidence is one of the strongest pieces of the puzzle, and a confident woman is more likely to come out of a relationship unscathed. This is because she already knows who she is by herself, and she knows that she brings her happiness to the relationship – the relationship doesn’t bring happiness to her.

2. Self-esteem.

There are definitely some points of overlap between confidence and self-esteem, but there are a few differences, too. Someone can be confident and not have much self-esteem – they know what they have to offer, but they don’t know what they deserve. The woman with a solid self-esteem knows that no relationship is worth letting go of her own wants and needs, and she won’t put up with someone who doesn’t treat her as good as she’d treat herself.

3. Allure.

She doesn’t do the chasing – she’s the one being caught, but only because she let you catch her. She’ll mirror your effort, but not add anything extra to it. After all, why should she have to prove that you should want her? She doesn’t need this relationship – but she’s open to the idea of letting it happen.

4. Time management.

She’s not going to be the one to make the dates, but she’ll accept them when you ask – unless she’s got something else going on. She’s not going to make a new relationship her priority when she has other stuff going on. She puts herself first, and if you fit into the picture, you’ve got a spot – but she’s not going to carve one out just for you.

5. Mystery.

The woman with game isn’t going to let you know everything about herself. She probably even keeps things secret from herself, just so she knows she won’t let it all out. She’s got walls galore, and she’s not going to take them down for just anyone – you’re going to have to prove you deserve it first.

6. Emotional unavailability – sort of.

You’re not going to know exactly how she feels about you – which is very deliberate on her part. She’ll answer you honestly if you ask, but you’ve got to be brave enough to actually ask her. If you don’t ask, she’s not going to offer it up. That would be vulnerable, and she’s not about to let herself be vulnerable.

7. Kindness.

Just because she has game doesn’t mean she’s rude. In fact, she’ll be nice to just about everyone. She’s not using you or making you feel underappreciated – she genuinely wants to see you happy, too. But she’s not going to let you think you have any control over her happiness – because you don’t.

8. Unintentional sexiness.

She doesn’t have to try to be sexy – she just is. She knows it, but she doesn’t force it. Her confidence and self-esteem means that she’ll look just as sexy in a baggy sweatshirt and a messy bun as she does in 6-inch heels, or just as good in basketball shorts and a white tee as she does in a suit. It doesn’t matter what she looks like – she feels sexy, so she is sexy.

9. Boundaries.

The woman with game has pretty sturdy boundaries protecting her heart, and she’s not going to break them down just because you ask her to. These boundaries are built from learning how the game is played – and she will use them to her advantage whenever possible. She knows how to say no, and she understands when someone else says no. It doesn’t take away her power to let you win – because she knows she’s letting you win.

10. Mad ghosting abilities.

If you stop talking to her, that’s the end of that – she won’t beg you to come back into her life if you don’t want to be there. She won’t waste her time on someone who won’t put forth the effort. If you break up with her, you’ll never get that “I miss you” text. She won’t try to win you back. Closure is implied with her. That doesn’t mean she won’t be upset about it – but she will make damn sure you never see her in a position of vulnerability again, trust!

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you want to be with a woman who’s going to challenge you. Whether she makes you question your own beliefs, or she calls you on all your crap, it’s nice to know that she’s not going to put up with anything she doesn’t have to.

Unfortunately, sometimes this challenging can get a bit aggressive, and we are left wondering whether the person is being ridiculous, or if we are. So, how do you know if your girlfriend is challenging you or if she’s just being an asshole?

How often does she argue with your beliefs and opinions?

The woman who challenges you will only argue with your beliefs and opinions if they infringe upon the rights of someone else – including herself.

The asshole will argue with every opinion you have, just because you had it and she didn’t.

How does she argue with you?

The woman who challenges you will use logic and reason to express her opinions. There might be some emotion involved, too, but you can tell it’s coming from a good place.

The asshole will just tell you you’re wrong, with little to no explanation why. She might even put you down for your beliefs being different than hers.

When did she start pointing out your differences of opinion?

The woman who challenges you will take time to learn what’s important to you before bringing attention to your perceived flaws in thought.

The asshole will immediately attack your opinions, before the two of you have developed a comfortable relationship.

How do your arguments make you feel?

The woman who challenges you will leave you feeling smarter after your arguments – you’ll feel like she’s actually shown you another side of things, instead of just attacking your core beliefs.

The asshole will leave you feeling stupid after your arguments. She might imply (or directly state) that she’s smarter than you, and she will present herself like an expert, even without any information exchanged.

How does this woman make you feel?

The woman who challenges you will make you feel like a part of a team. She’ll let you know that her challenges don’t mean that your relationship is in jeopardy, but only that she wants to see you as a better person.

The asshole will make you feel like a subordinate. She may even “blackmail” you into agreeing with her, by threatening to leave you if you don’t change your ways.

What happens after you argue?

The woman who challenges you will let you know that your difference of opinions doesn’t mean she loves you any less. You might even get some sweet make-up sex out of it. Score! (But, this isn’t necessarily the case.)

The asshole will come up with an excuse to disappear for a little while. She might ignore your texts and calls for a while, or tell you to leave her alone until you wise up.

Does this woman love you?

The woman who challenges you will make it very clear that she loves you, even with all of your differences. She knows that differences are what make us unique, and even though you don’t see eye-to-eye all the time, you feel like she generally cares a lot about you and is willing to prove it.

The asshole leaves you wondering how she feels about you – and she does this on purpose. Some days, she seems completely smitten with you, and other days (mostly the days you’ve been fighting) she’ll act like… Well, an asshole. Anyone who leaves you wondering where you stand is an asshole – no exceptions.

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Breakups, and the implied recuperation process afterwards, are difficult. People move on at different times, and generally, the more you try to move on quickly, the slower it’ll actually be. (Sometimes, psychology sucks.) You can’t really force yourself over something, and that usually means that the person who initiated the breakup will move on faster than the person who didn’t.

Of course, this isn’t always the case – there are exceptions to almost every rule – but just because your ex moved on faster than you doesn’t necessarily mean she was cheating on you at the end of the relationship. (But, sometimes, it does.)

She might have been cheating.

If she’s already with someone else and you haven’t even changed your relationship status on Facebook yet, there may have been some overlap. This means you should probably be glad that you’re not with her anymore – even if she wasn’t actually with the person yet, in order to have that quick of a recovery, she was probably already “talking” to this person in a romantic or sexual way.

There isn’t really anything you can do to fix this situation – sometimes, people start looking for their next partner before they actually break up with their current partner, and while that’s definitely not okay, it is a reality of our modern society. Count your blessings that you got out when you did.

She might have been “practicing single” before she actually said the words.

In some cases, a person will know that they want to break up with someone before they actually do. If the end of the relationship was filled with feelings of romantic or sexual neglect, she may have broken up with you in her head before she actually told you about it.

This isn’t exactly okay either, but many people need some time to think about things before they make a final decision – and, essentially, that’s what’s going on here. It hurts, but most likely you could tell there was something off before you were willing to admit it to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about it – we’re inclined to expect a situation can improve, and it can be devastating when we find out it won’t.

If you’re trying to force yourself over her, she’s going to move on faster than you.

Call it reverse psychology or a “jinx” – really, it doesn’t matter what you call it. Trying to force yourself to do something that you’re not ready for will generally make the whole situation worse, and you need to understand that.

Particularly if this situation is combined with any of the other situations on this list, it’s pretty much impossible for you to move on as quickly as she does. Never try to rush yourself through a difficult time. Bottling up your feelings won’t help anything.

She might be faking it.

If she’s trying to force herself over the breakup, it might look to an outsider like she’s doing just fine – but it’s entirely possible that it’s a front. Most of us have been there at least once, and most of us are going to be there at some point in the future, too.

We’re often told to “fake it until you make it” – and getting over a breakup is an area where many of us try to make it true. (Hint: It doesn’t work.) Instead of focusing on how she got over it so fast, you should focus on how you can help yourself get over it – and one of those ways is to stop keeping tabs on her.

She might have never loved you.

This is one we don’t really like to think about, unless the relationship was particularly painful. Generally speaking, there’s more passion (and pain) involved in a relationship where the two of you were actually in love – which means the most painful relationships are the ones where one of you fell out of love, not that one of you never loved the other at all.

Still, there’s a possibility that she was with you because it was “comfortable”, and once it stopped being comfortable, she was ready to let go.

She might be a sociopath.

It sounds like such a harsh word, but that’s only because of the connotations involved. By the strictest definition, a sociopath is someone who has no inner conscience, and cannot feel emotions. This lack of emotion manifests itself in seemingly-strong emotions, because the person with the disorder tends to overcompensate based on what they think they should be feeling.

An estimated 3-5% of the population exhibits sociopathic behavior, and while they are able to form attachments (i.e. a relationship), they are often impulsive and unable to maintain these attachments. This explains why she would be able to start a new, “serious” relationship right after yours ended.

She might be a psychopath.

While psychopathic behavior and sociopathic behavior are similar, a smaller portion of the population is psychopathic – and these people are generally quite dangerous, whereas sociopaths are generally reckless and don’t necessarily mean to hurt anyone. Psychopaths are entirely unable to form emotional attachments, but they are calculated and manipulative – often highly educated and organized – and as such they may even be able to cover any traces of their mental illness when viewed from an outside perspective.

Not that it’ll help you feel any better, but psychopaths (and sociopaths) are suffering from a very severe mental health condition, and in some cases they may be able to receive appropriate treatment and change their ways. Even if she does receive treatment, though, you are under no obligation to give her another chance. (Psychopaths in particular may be able to convince you that they have changed when, really, they haven’t.)

She let herself move on.

We have touched on this before, time and time again: Pushing yourself to get over someone will not let you get over them. By comparing your recovery time to your ex’s recovery time, you are allowing her to stay on your mind – which isn’t healthy, and it isn’t going to help you.

Instead, you should try to rebuild yourself without giving her any room in your brain. If you’re constantly thinking of her, you’re not going to be able to stop thinking about her, and you’re going to stay hung up for much longer. Just remember to breathe, and work on being yourself again – the rest will come in its own time.

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Most of us have an idea in our minds of what “the perfect relationship” looks like. Whether we actively seek these things in a partner or just hope that they’re what we find when all is said and done, these things are there – and sometimes they’re more important than we give them credit for.

I’ll admit: I’m not always a fun person to be with. When I start to get serious about someone, I put up a lot of walls, and silly little “rules” that don’t really mean anything in the long run. (Once I’ve eased up and dropped my walls, most of those “rules” become irrelevant.) I don’t exactly have a type (although I do have an affinity for stems and soft studs, especially if they’ve got curly hair). I don’t exactly have a preference when it comes to the sexuality of my partner (as long as they don’t identify as straight – whether I would categorize them as such or not). I don’t exactly have a preference for most things. As long as she treats me right, she’s right for me.

And, really, that is the most important thing. Even though it’s sometimes hard to tell if a woman will treat you right, from the start, but it really is the biggest measurement of your relationship’s success. There are some ways to encourage a good relationship, though – are you paying attention to these things in your own relationships?

1. Appreciate each other’s interests.

There is an importance in sharing interests with each other. But it’s not so much that you need to have the same interests – just that you should know and respect each other’s hobbies and the like. Of course, you should have some things in common, but really it’s best if you don’t have everything in common – it’ll be just like you’re dating yourself. And that’s weird, and a little creepy.

Instead, take the time to learn what your partner likes. I like to do what I call “The Random Game” – the two of you take turns asking and answering questions. The only rules are that the question has to be about the other person, and you have to answer a majority of the questions. If the question is too deep for the point of the relationship you’re in, skip it. If it’s just embarrassing, you have to answer it – don’t be a spoilsport!

It’s also pretty important that you appreciate and respect your partner’s interests, even if they’re different than yours. For example, I end up dating a lot of self-described gamers, even though I am definitely not a gamer myself. There are certain styles of games I absolutely can’t stand (shooting games, unless the sound is turned off, give me a major headache) … But, otherwise, I actually pay for my girlfriend to have a Gamefly membership at the moment. She enjoys it, and I don’t have to waste money buying games that I don’t know if she’ll actually like. She plays them for a while, and if she likes it, she adds it to a wish list when she sends it back in.

From her side of things, she knows I enjoy the work I do – so she gets me little trinkets for my desk (like a snow globe and a teddy bear), and she got me a massage cushion for my work chair. She knows I like getting my nails done, too, but we can’t really afford it – so she buys me things so I can do my nails at home. Hey, I might sound pretty boring, but my girlfriend gets it, and she loves my boring-ness.

2. Practice trust and truthfulness.

This is a complicated situation, because things are often complicated when new-relationship-honesty comes up. Is our girlfriend of two weeks entitled to know about every bad thing we’ve ever done to every ex? Well, not necessarily. But is she entitled to know things that might come up – such as a recent ex who didn’t get over you as quickly as you got over her? Maybe.

There’s obviously a bit of a grey area here, but just because you’re not offering up every detail right away, there’s not really any good reason to flat-out lie to your partner. If she asks you a question, you should be answering it truthfully, even if the two of you haven’t been together too long. She shouldn’t be intrusive, nor should you, but you don’t build trust by dodging questions. This looks shady even if you’re not actually hiding anything.

I recently got into a discussion with a friend on Facebook about whether or not it’s appropriate that someone be allowed to see their partner’s phone, if they ask. Apparently I ruffled some feathers because I firmly believe that – yes, once you slap the “relationship” label on it, you should be able to see their phone. Note that I said see – not look through, and not watch. You’re allowed to ask who your partner is talking to, too – but it’s usually not OK to pry into what the conversation was about, unless your partner offers this information up.

The lines are a little fuzzy here, though – sometimes, you really are going to be genuinely curious about the conversation. I find myself asking a lot of questions about chats with my girlfriend’s family, for example, but if she tells me I don’t want to know, or that it’s personal, I trust her, and don’t push it. (Even if it burns a hole inside me wondering what was said – it’s not really my business.)

3. Communicate respectfully.

Both communication and respect are hugely important topics – so don’t make light of either. The words you choose are just as important as what you actually say, so do your best to frame everything as positively as possible. For example, instead of “I’m sick of you sleeping in late!” consider asking, “Would you like me to wake you in the morning? I know you have xx important thing to do tomorrow.” It won’t always work, but it’s important that you show her respect.

Most people know that they need to respect their partners, but we forget that this applies to our arguments, too. Yes, even when you’re mad at her, you need to be respectful – take care not to say something you’ll regret later, just because you were angry, because you can never take back the words you say in anger. You’ll be at her mercy to forgive you, and it’s entirely in her rights to not forgive you.

More than just being respectful to your partner, though, you should be respectful to everyone you come into contact with. Your girlfriend will see the people you’re rude to and she will take note. Even your ex-girlfriend – just because you’re not together anymore doesn’t mean that you have a right to be rude. Your girlfriend will see how you treat your ex and she will logically conclude that you may treat her like that once the relationship is no longer pleasant.

You don’t have to be “nice” to everyone, but no one is entitled to be disrespectful to anyone else. Even if someone is disrespectful to you, take the high road – the world means more “bigger persons”, not more hate.

4. Be your own person.

When you enter a new relationship, it can be really tempting to just nest together and forget the rest of the world. Sometimes, this is healthy – as long as it doesn’t last very long. A healthy relationship cannot exist where two people are each other’s whole world. Like everything else, you need moderation. The two of you should enjoy spending time together, but you should also keep some time for yourself, too.

Personally, I’m pretty boring – my alone time usually means work. (Then again, my job is cooler than most people’s job – I’ve been pretty blessed in that regard.) But, periodically, I enforce my alone time – even now that my partner and I live together. I try to encourage her to do her own thing, too – it’s tough when she’s home cramming for classes, and I’m doing my work less than 30 feet away, but we actually schedule time apart sometimes.

This alone time is so important, because it gives you room to breathe. It gives you time to do the things that your partner might not enjoy, whereas “no alone time” means “we must agree or compromise”. Yeah, sometimes the time apart is hard, and I usually want to curl up in bed with her on the days she leaves, but it’s important that you allow yourself time to miss your partner – and just when you’re at work or school isn’t usually enough.

I’ve seen posts on Facebook that say “it should make you physically sick to be apart from your partner”. Wrong! I know this is meant to be romantic, but realistically, it’s closer to an addiction than love. And no one wants to feel trapped in a relationship because their partner “can’t” live without them. This is a hard situation to be in, but when you have trust, respect, and appreciation, a little alone time can be a wonderful thing. Don’t take it for granted.

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I am a bit of an obsessive planner. Maybe it’s my anxiety, or my gifted-and-talented upbringing (not that I feel particularly gifted or talented now that I’m an adult). But the fact remains – I plan things. Sometimes I plan things for other people, whether asked to or not. The future is my greatest accomplishment, in a way – I’ve got a five-year plan that’s bigger than anything I’ve ever done.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is not so sure of her future. She’s changed her career goals a few times in the just-over-two-years we’ve been together, and that’s OK. It would drive me crazy if her plans interfered with mine, but since she’s pretty flexible about what I want to do (and she actually appreciates my obsessiveness), it works out just fine most of the time.

That’s not to say it’s always easy – there are days when she absolutely drives me up the wall with her indecision, and when she wants to change plans at the last minute when I need at least three business days to process these changes… Well, it sort of throws a wrench in the gears.

Plans are safe. They help to shape what we really want, and make sure we’re on track to get it.

Not planning is safe in its own way – if you don’t have expectations, you can’t have disappointments, right?

Believe it or not, a planner and a non-planner actually work out pretty well together, once you iron out the little kinks. The planner might have to learn a little spontaneity, and the non-planner might have to learn a little structure, but if the relationship is right, you can make that work… Right?

For the planner:

1. Embrace the fact that you are not always going to be in control.

This one’s pretty hard for me sometimes. I swear, I’m not an obsessive control freak, but when I plan out my whole week and something goes wrong, it stresses me out. By dating someone who doesn’t have the same level of control as we do, we learn that it’s not always a crisis to not know where you’re going. Metaphorically speaking – planners hate getting physically lost.

2. Try not to focus on the little details so much.

When a planner is dating a non-planner, it can be difficult to spare ourselves from the finer points of our plans. But, really, as long as we’re still following the right path, it doesn’t matter much if we fall a few steps behind – learn to relax, because your partner is going to mess up your plans sometimes.

3. Learn to be grateful for surprises.

This one is really, really hard for me. Thankfully, my partner isn’t good at keeping secrets, so she doesn’t surprise me too often. But I know it’s crushing when she plans the perfect surprise, and I just get upset about it not being what I had in mind. If you’re dating a non-planner, you need to realize that her surprising you took a lot of planning, and just because you didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean she didn’t.

4. Relax!

This is another tough one. Sometimes, things aren’t going to go according to plan. This is especially true if your partner isn’t a planner, and she doesn’t let you stay in charge all the time. Trust me, she’s doing you a favor when she ruins your plans, as long as she’s not ruining the big ones. Thank her, and use that stress as an excuse to cuddle, instead of getting your panties in a bunch. (Note to self: Follow this advice better.)

5. Throw away your plans every now and then.

If you’re the type of person to over-plan (I’ve got several paper planners, two wall calendars in my room, a horde of sticky notes and highlighters for color coding things…), your partner will thank you if you make things a little more lenient. Even if it’s as simple as giving yourself extra time for things, this extra time can be used for spontaneity. (And it’s actually OK to plan a time to be spontaneous – as long as you’re not planning your actions while you’re supposed to be spontaneous.)

6. “Obsessive” and “impulsive” are not the only two options – remember that.

Sometimes we fall victim to the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. This might be especially true for those of us with anxiety, but I haven’t actually looked into this from a psychological standpoint. Rest assured, just because she doesn’t have a plan as solid as yours does not automatically mean she doesn’t have a plan at all.

7. Give yourself permission to fall short sometimes.

Even if you’re planning “extra time”, things come up sometimes. In a relationship, it is literally impossible to plan for everything your partner is going to do. Don’t make it all about you – your partner is allowed to mess things up sometimes. Even if this impacts you, it’s not always a “failure”. If plans always went the way they were supposed to, everyone would be a millionaire. Trust that.

For the non-planner:

1. Let your partner take the reins sometimes – or most of the time, if you can.

I’m definitely not saying you should let her control your life. But if she has a plan, and there aren’t any good reasons to not let her take charge, what does it really hurt? If you have a genuine opposition to her plan, feel free to speak up – planners are good at reasoning, and she will take your thoughts into consideration.

2. Trust that she has a good reason for her plans.

Even if you don’t exactly agree with her plan, the fact that she has one means she’s (probably) thought things through. Maybe even obsessively. Chances are, she knows what she’s talking about. (But you probably shouldn’t say “I told you so” if it turns out she doesn’t.)

3. Try to think about your future, too.

Chances are, your partner has thought about your future already, and she might even be worried that the lack of a long-term plan means she’s not in it. At a minimum, you should try to think about the future as it pertains to her – but she’d feel better if you have a general idea about your own path, too.

4. Ask for help when you need it.

If your partner is a planner, and she knows you’re not, she’s probably got a “back-up plan” for you already – go ahead and ask her about it! It might be pretty generalized, but that’s a good thing; the two of you can work it out together. She’s good at this type of thing, so remember #1 above – let her take control unless there’s a good reason not to.

5. Don’t expect to become a planner overnight.

Not everyone is meant to be a planner. And even though your obsessive girlfriend might not realize it, that is perfectly OK and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or with her. People are different, and you can satisfy your girlfriend’s need for a tentative outline without changing yourself entirely. Do not change yourself for her. If she inspires you to plan a little more, then plan a little more. Don’t try to change who you are inside.

6. Expect her to be a little more anxious.

From the perspective of the planner, trust me – it can be stressful when your partner doesn’t have a plan. I’ve noticed myself hyperventilating before when my partner oversleeps, or when she changes her own plans at the last minute – even if they don’t actually have anything to do with me. Even if it seems like she’s mad at you, really she’s mad at herself for not anticipating a change of plans. (Sounds dumb, but it’s true.)

7. Reassure her when necessary.

Just because she should know that you’re not going to follow all of her plans doesn’t mean she actually remembers that when the time comes. You might need to remind her sometimes that one “failure” isn’t actually a failure. Let her know that, even though you can’t see the future, you want her to be in it.

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Cheating is one of the most hurtful things you can do in a committed relationship. There really is no excuse for it, either – if you’re not happy in a monogamous relationship, it really shouldn’t be that difficult to be honest with your partner, end things, and seek out something a little more open. In some cases, your current partner might even be willing to have an open relationship – which is not the same as cheating – but not everyone is comfortable in that type of situation, and that’s something you have to know before you even bring it up.

For the person who’s been cheated on, there are often recurring problems that crop up well into the future. While we inherently know that our ex’s mistakes are not our new girlfriend’s problem, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to give all your trust after it’s already been destroyed. Thankfully, there are ways to help remove the doubts and insecurities that are sure to crop up after you’ve been cheated on.

Allow yourself to feel the pain before you try to enter another relationship.

It’s completely normal to be a bit emotional after you’ve been cheated on. It’s completely healthy to hurt, to be mad, and maybe even break some things. (Please only break your own things, and only things that can easily be replaced – thrift store dishes are great for this!)

What’s important here is that you don’t subject someone else to these emotional outbursts. You shouldn’t be holding them in – which means you need to give yourself time to grieve, on your own. Lean on your friends and family members – but don’t put a new partner through the mess of cleaning up your ex’s mistakes. It’s not fair to her, because it’s not her fault. It’s also not fair to you, because showing emotion so strong in front of a brand-new partner is hard.

Do not blame yourself.

No matter what your ex might have said when she cheated, it is never your fault. Cheating is a personal decision, and there is always the opportunity to do things the right way (i.e. break up when you’re not happy, instead of destroying a person’s trust). Cheating is never the fault of the person who was cheated on.

That being said, if you think that something you did contributed to that person’s temptation to cheat, this is a good time to evaluate these things. In most cases, the thing that you think pushed her to cheat was actually just a reason you two were incompatible. When you have fully moved on from the pain of being cheated on, you can seek out someone who is more in line with your own values, needs, and situation.

In the rare case when you find something that is actually a fixable flaw of yours, you can feel free to work on it in the future – but this doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for your ex’s infidelity. Everyone has the option of talking things through before doing the unforgiveable.

Pay attention to healthy relationships.

If you have friends and family members in long-term relationships, take a look at those relationships. Do your best to avoid jealousy, since it’s hard to see a loving couple when your heart is broken, but these couples are the ones you should model your future relationships after. Not all methods of happy relationships will work for everyone, so make sure you aren’t trying to fit yourself into something that doesn’t work for you.

Remember, also, that just idolizing a healthy relationship won’t do anything to fix your own relationships. You will need to be ready for the relationship in order for it to work out. Additionally, you’ll need to actively work towards fixing the cracks in your trust.

Write.

Maybe I’m a little biased, as I am a writer in every sense of the word. But sometimes, keeping a journal of your feelings can make a huge difference. I even write letters to my exes in mine – even still. (OK, the last time was well over a year ago, but still.) Writing letters you’ll never send is one of the most therapeutic writing techniques I have ever participated in. Write a letter to yourself, too – whether it’s present-you writing to past-you to “warn” yourself of the signs you should have seen or it’s future-you writing to present-you telling you everything will be OK, all that’s important is that you write.

If you’re worried about someone else coming across this journal, consider writing letters on individual pieces of paper, and then burning them afterwards. (Assuming that you have a safe place to do this without a risk of the fire spreading, of course.) In my own experience, this has been helpful, as it keeps me from re-reading the letters and dwelling on the past – and fire is calming to watch. I think there’s something psychological about the feeling you get when you “set the past on fire”, too – it helps to metaphorically cleanse your soul. Just remember – be safe about it.

Talk to someone.

It’s important to talk about your feelings – even if that’s hard for you. Especially if it’s hard for you. If you find that journaling and letter-writing don’t help you as much as you need, talking to a trusted friend or family member can be greatly helpful. Make sure you choose someone whose opinions you trust, because they are sure to give you some advice during this time – and it’ll probably be good stuff, too.

If you don’t have anyone to talk to, you might be able to find comfort from random strangers on the internet. The Whisper app is good for letting your feelings out, as is the Vent app. If you don’t like that idea, you can always comment here, and I’ll respond as soon as I can.

Be careful not to get jaded.

It can be tempting to fall into the mindset that every woman will cheat on you. But, it’s important to realize that really isn’t true. No two women are exactly the same, and most women aren’t cheaters – even if you have a history of being with many unfaithful women. This is where it’s not your fault comes into play. Dating a string of unfaithful women doesn’t mean that you attract cheaters, and unless you’re actively seeking out women who have trouble with monogamy (i.e. dating women who are already in “committed” relationships), there is nothing you personally can do to deserve being cheated on.

Not everyone is going to hurt you. Not everyone has trouble with commitment. And not everyone is going to cheat on you. One day you’ll meet the woman who deserves your loyalty – make sure you don’t push her away with senseless and unfair accusations.

Curb your insecurities as soon as they pop up.

Insecurities are common in women who have recently been cheated on, but you’ll need to work those things out sooner, rather than later. The longer you let your insecurities build, the harder they’re going to be to break. Remember, it’s not your fault that your ex cheated, and it’s not your new partner’s fault, either.

Leave the blame where it belongs. By all means, you are allowed to question if something seems off – but make sure you’re questioning an actual problem, and not an imaginary one.

Give yourself time.

You’re not going to get over this right away – so you shouldn’t expect to. Not only are you mourning the loss of a relationship, you’re also mourning the loss of your trust, so it could take longer than other breakups. You shouldn’t give yourself a time limit – everyone heals differently.

Think about therapy, if necessary.

If your breakup was particularly bad, consider going to a therapy session or a counselor. Sometimes, this is easier than speaking to the people you know – after all, this is a stranger who’s paid to give you unbiased opinions about your relationship. It isn’t right for everyone, but it is an option.

If you do decide to go through counseling, it’s very important that you are completely honest with your therapist. After all, if you leave out important information, you’re setting them up to give you the wrong advice.

For some people, a support group might be a better option than a professional mental health professional. There are support groups both online and in person, although you may have to travel to find an appropriate support group.

Cut ties.

If you’re still talking to your no-good cheating ex, knock it off. She broke your heart and intentionally violated your trust – this isn’t something you should look for in a friend! Aside from destroying your trust, she may even try to wiggle her way back into your life in a more romantic way again. Don’t let her. Make it clear that she lost her chance – by saying nothing at all.

You don’t have to justify yourself to her, and you don’t owe her anything. Move on, leave her in the past, and work on loving yourself. She knows what she did.

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Insecurities are almost implied in life. Everyone has something that they’re less-than-confident about – even the most confident people I’ve ever met. Personally, most of my insecurities are based on my own perceived inadequacies. If I’m passed over for a job I want, I find myself questioning whether I’m unqualified, even if I know I was. It’s a fact of life, though – there’s always going to be someone out there who’s better at something than you are.

When we apply our insecurities to our relationships, though, there is a host of other complications that can arise. Sometimes, insecurities are necessary, since they motivate us to overcome them. But when it comes to your relationship, this is not usually the case.

Even though insecurities are, to some degree, totally normal, the following behaviors are not normal and show a sign that the relationship might not be right. If your insecurities are warranted (such as a partner who has proven that they have a hard time with monogamy), simply checking up on them isn’t going to make anything better. And, of course, if they’re not warranted, this is a sign that you are not ready for a relationship right now – you’ll need to work on these things before you can be involved in anything happy and healthy.

So, what are the big signs that there is a problem?

1. You need to check their phone.

I’m a firm believer that partners should be able to look through each other’s phones. I’ve peeked before – but I’m a lot more likely to peek if I’m told that I’m not allowed to. A healthy relationship means that you should know that you’re allowed to look through her phone – but that doesn’t mean you actually do it.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and have the urge to look through your girlfriend’s text messages or call history, this is not good. She should be able to trust that you are not going to invade her privacy. What’s even worse is that looking through her phone won’t fix anything – either you find that you had nothing to worry about (and you destroyed her trust for no reason), or you find that you did have something to worry about, and you should have just trusted your gut instinct.

Instead of checking her phone, you should be able to ask her who she’s been talking to, and trust the answer she gives you. Believe it or not, you are not entitled to know what they talked about. You are, however, allowed to ask for clarification if she’s been talking to someone you don’t exactly approve of – but she should personally show you that you have nothing to worry about. You shouldn’t have to snoop.

2. You need to be together at all times.

Fun fact: Alone time is necessary in a healthy relationship. It seems like a good relationship would mean that the two of you want to spend every minute together, but that’s not necessarily the case. You (and your partner!) need to be free to spend time unsupervised with friends, without worrying that something is going to happen.

There are obviously some exceptions to this. Your partner should tell you when she’s going to be hanging out with friends – but that doesn’t mean you’re always going to be invited. Your partner should not be going out for drinks with her exes – but that doesn’t mean that she should go anyway and just drag you along. This is awkward and generally frowned upon, by all parties involved. If you’re not secure enough to let your partner be without you, then going along isn’t going to stop the insecurities – it’s just going to make you wonder what happens when you’re not around.

This actually holds true if you want them to come with you all the time, too. Again, it seems romantic that you wouldn’t want to leave each other’s side. But the reality of the situation is that you’re destroying your ability to have your own life and your own autonomy. Backing out of plans when your partner doesn’t want to go means that you’re conditioning yourself to be just like her – which is not a good thing.

3. You avoid any possibly confrontational discussions.

No one wants to fight with their partner all the time, and it’s important that you pick your battles. But if something is genuinely bothering you, you need to bring it up – otherwise it will inevitably lead to a blow-out later. It’s much better to talk about it when it’s just a little uncomfortable, instead of waiting for it to turn into a bigger problem.

Confrontation is necessary in relationships. “Never fighting” seems like the epitome of a perfect relationship, but that’s a bunch of garbage. If the two of you honestly never fight, this means that at least one of you is not speaking your mind. You’ll need to figure out if it’s you or your partner – sometimes this isn’t so obvious.

(But if it’s not you, it’s your partner. That’s a fact. All healthy relationships have arguments sometimes.)

4. You compare yourself to her ex, or other women in her life.

If you find yourself asking questions along the lines of, “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” or “Do you still miss her?”, you might think you’re squashing your insecurities when you get the answer you want to hear. That’s not exactly true, though, because there is an implied right-and-wrong answer here – and your girlfriend definitely knows that. She knows that if she says yes to any of these questions, it’s going to hurt your feelings – so the answer will (almost) always be no.

The problem here is that you know there are implied right answers, too – so even though she says things that temporarily make you feel better, you’re always going to wonder in the back of your mind if she was actually being truthful. For some women, it’s helpful to just tell ourselves that we are better than her ex, but that’s not exactly healthy either – as women, we shouldn’t feel the need to be in direct competition with one another.

A healthier approach would be to simply remind yourself that your partner is with you because she wants to be with you. If she didn’t think you were worth her time, she wouldn’t have agreed to date you. You need to be confident in what you bring to the table, without looking over the fence. If you find yourself continually comparing yourself to someone else, you are bound to get wrapped up in painful feelings.

5. You need to be reassured of everything.

This one is a little tricky for me, as someone who suffers from some pretty bad anxiety. I do ask for a lot of reassurances of certain things. Even still, this isn’t an everyday thing – just on the days when my anxiety is particularly bad. If you find yourself questioning your relationship every day, this is not a good sign, and your partner is quite likely to grow tired of it – sooner, rather than later.

It’s normal to question things every now and then, of course, particularly whenever you make a big new step. But once your partner has given you that reassurance, that should be the end of it. She is under no obligation to continually set your mind at ease. She shouldn’t be doing things that make you question everything, of course, but it’s important to realize which questions are reasonable and which are completely built on made-up scenarios.

The hard part here is that, sometimes, reassurance is necessary. If your partner routinely disappears and leaves you wondering where she is, it’s normal that you’d ask extra questions. But if this happens all the time, even after you’ve let your partner know that it bothers you, it’s possible that there is actually a problem there – and your partner’s reassurances are basically worthless anyway.

6. You encourage your partner to fail.

This one is often very subtle, but it is present in those who have a lot of insecurities. In a healthy relationship, the partners will motivate each other to reach their goals and then exceed their own expectations. But in an unhealthy relationship, you might not want your partner to be doing better in life than you – so you make sure to sabotage any of their efforts to improve their own lives.

This seems like it’s malicious – after all, who doesn’t want their partner to have a great life? But for those who are prone to insecurities, there may be a belief that their partner doing better in life would cause them to walk away from the person who just can’t seem to keep up. Instead of working to improve themselves, insecure women might try to keep their partners from finding success.

This is extremely damaging to both people involved, as it is (in some ways) a form of abuse. You should be lifting your partner up – not bringing them down. If your partner does end up leaving you when she is “better than you”, she’s not someone you need to be with in the first place. Anyone who would leave their partner instead of motivating them to improve their lives is basically a jerk. No exceptions.

7. You are full of accusations.

I have known a lot of women who berate their partners and accuse them of cheating when they are not, in fact, cheaters. I’ve even lost some friends on Facebook when I spoke out against a friend who posted a meme about how “only good girlfriends worry about who their significant other” is talking to. No. Your partner is allowed to have friends – it doesn’t automatically mean she’s sleeping with those friends.

This is a pretty slippery slope, too. We may think that it’s a trust problem from being cheated on in a previous relationship, but sometimes it’s a lot worse than that. Constant accusations of cheating, more often than not, are because you don’t think you’re good enough for your partner – whether it’s all in your head, or it’s because your partner tells you you’re not good enough. (Note: If it’s the latter, leave her – she is not a good girlfriend.)

The sad thing about this is that your partner will probably feel guilty about any thoughts of leaving you, and may stay with you just to prove that your insecurities were invalid. That might sound like it’s exactly what you want, but most cheating occurs when someone feels pressured to stay in a relationship that’s not right for them – so your constant accusations of her cheating might actually make her cheat for real. Be warned!

Dear Heartbroken Women,

I know you probably haven’t heard enough positive things about yourself lately, even if it’s only because you can’t hear them right now. I promise you, just because your heart is broken right now doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love. Just because this one wasn’t the right one doesn’t mean that the right one isn’t out there. One day, you will fall in beautiful, hopeless love with someone who feels the same way – and you will breathe a sigh of relief.

I know this hurts right now, and I promise you, it will pass. I know it doesn’t feel like it will, but it will – and probably sooner than you think. Even the most violent storms will someday end, and your pain will someday subside. It probably won’t be today, and probably not even tomorrow. But you will get over the pain.

I know it feels like torture, but I promise you, you won’t die from a broken heart. The pain you feel is very real, but it’s not as bad as it seems. What you feel is your heart growing stronger, and helping to make you a better person. Sometimes, this can be hard to remember, but please, do remember it.

I know you’re feeling rejected right now, but I promise you, whatever negative things your ex said about you in the fight were just a product of the fight. Sure, maybe there are some things you could work on – as well you should. But just because you’re not perfect, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. No one is perfect, and expecting yourself to be is setting yourself up for failure.

I know you feel low, but I promise you, you are gorgeous – or beautiful, or handsome, or whatever adjective you want to be. No one has the perfect body that you wish you had. Even if your ideal body actually belongs to a real person, there are things that go into making it look perfect – and there are often more problems than solutions when you go looking into changes. Trust me – learn to love the body you have.

I know you think you want to be friends with your ex – but I promise you, that’s a bad idea, at least for now. Be strong. There’s a reason you broke up, and it certainly wasn’t so you could spend more time together with less personal responsibility. Being friends with someone who’s broken your heart is not only difficult, it’s damn-near impossible.

I know you think she was the one, and I promise you “the one” really does exist. But I also promise you that you won’t get it right the first time around. Our first love almost always presents themselves as “the one” – whether on purpose or not – but that’s rarely the case in real life. Your first love is probably not your true love. Just because you love(d) her does not mean you can’t love someone else better, deeper, and more.

I know it feels like a flash flood right now, and I promise that’s normal. You’ve lost a part of yourself and you have to take the time to learn that piece wasn’t all of you. Someday, the rain is going to stop, and a gorgeous rainbow is going to shine through. Wait for this day. Some people say it’s better to learn to dance in the rain – but I think that comes from a society that’s trying to keep us ashamed of our emotions.

I know you’re lonely, but I promise that doesn’t mean you’re alone. Your friends and family (most likely) love you dearly and would do whatever it takes to see you smile. And, in the off chance that your friends and family are complete jerks, I’m always here to listen. I’m always ready to help navigate the rocky waters. I’m always here.

Friends, I know what it’s like to have my heart broken. I know the struggle of trying to put it exactly into words (and, in fact, it’s tough to talk about, even now that I’m not really heartbroken). I’ve been there before, and I’m actually pretty sure I’ll be there again, at some point in my life. (I’m hoping it won’t happen, but statistically speaking, I’ve got a few more people to fall in love with before I really settle down – we’ll see!)

I know that, when you’re feeling heartbroken, it can consume almost all of you. It sucks, pretty bad sometimes, actually. But you are stronger than the pain. You are stronger because you are distancing yourself from the person who caused the pain, whether they meant to or not. If the distance wasn’t your choice, you are still strong. You don’t have to be a soldier to be strong, just like you don’t have to be a clown to be funny. One little ounce of strength is sometimes all you have – and sometimes that means watching the other person walk away and doing nothing to stop her.

I know you have questions, and I promise there are answers.

I know you want closure, and I promise one day you won’t need it.

I know you want her back, and I promise you that you don’t need her to be happy.

You’ll get through this – I promise.

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Falling in love is one of the world’s most elusive experiences. No one knows exactly how to put into words what love really feels like – and those who have never felt it are sure to be frustrated by the typical “you’ll know it when you feel it” description that most of us can muster up. I bet you were probably hoping I’d give you a better description, right? Nope, that’s really about the best you can explain it. You’ll know.

Except that you don’t always know – many of us fall for a few different people before we actually meet our “true love”. This makes it even more complicated, because I’m sure you’ve probably known (or been) that girl that met her One True Love in high school, and was completely heartbroken when things didn’t work out. Then, a few years later, she/you/I met someone who made me realize what an idiot I was for thinking that first person was just right.

Is this a cycle that’s going to repeat for the rest of my life, every time I fall in and out of love? I don’t know what the future holds – but I do know why you must become a little unrealistic to find it.

Falling in love requires a separation from reality, to a degree. Many of us are so cynical about our last failed love – although, it’ll be different for everyone – and maybe we don’t want to love someone for a while. That’s healthy, but when you meet the person who forces you to question your jaded heart, all bets are off.

It’s healthy to focus on the future.

When we fall in love, we dream about what the relationship could become. And generally, we’ve got high hopes, or we wouldn’t bother. When we fall in love, we have this mental picture that our partner is going to be our savior. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they’re not – but if we don’t see them that way, the relationship might be a little doomed.

It’s completely normal to feel a bit wrapped up in “what could be” when we’re in love – and, to some degree, we make these things happen if we picture them enough. I’m a firm believer in “consciousness creates reality” – so if you and your partner are always talking about the future, and actively putting plans into play, the love comes just a little easier down the road.

That’s not to say there won’t be hiccups along that path, and if you’re completely writing over a relationship that’s going nowhere, this could be a bad thing. Make sure that the plans you make are realistic and fair to both of you.

It’s (somewhat) healthy to ignore her flaws.

As humans, it’s in our nature to be optimistic – even if we’d rather hide it. Most pessimists were once optimists who got burned, and finding the right person helps to bring that (relationship) optimism back. This is not only normal, but necessary. After all, your new partner doesn’t deserve to take the blame for things your ex did – unless there’s a pattern.

The problem here lies when we become completely entranced by someone, and write off flaws that we should definitely not overlook. You value monogamy but your partner is more of a “free love” type of person? It’s easy to tell ourselves “Maybe she’ll come around,” because that’s what we want her to do.

Just be sure that you’re still paying attention to the important warning signs for things you absolutely can’t handle – ignoring these little hints will make it much harder to let go when they turn into full-blown problems.

It’s healthy to get caught up in the romance.

When you find yourself binging on love songs and rom-coms, even ones that are not even remotely applicable in your situation… This is, essentially, your mind “writing over” the things that you’re subconsciously missing. I’ve been there before – making a lovey-dovey playlist for someone who couldn’t even be bothered. I kept telling myself that, someday, she’d realize I was perfect for her, and she’d show me how much she cared, instead of just empty promises.

This is, of course, a good thing – to a degree. If you’re hearing all these love songs and feeling like you need that stuff in your life, it makes sense that we’d keep listening to them. But if there are things that are really missing – whether you started missing it because of a song or not – you deserve to try and find those things for yourself.

Not every woman can live up to every romantic expectation, either – and that’s OK too. As long as she’s making an effort to give you that love-song love, it’s not in vain. But if you’re the only one with relationship hopes and dreams, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

It’s normal (but not exactly healthy) to forget to love yourself when you’re too busy loving someone else.

Most of us romantic types will, at some point, fall into the trap of putting our partner’s needs ahead of our own. This isn’t always a bad thing – if your partner is putting you above herself, for example, the relationship still might have the balance it needs. The problem here is that, when we’re in love, we’re not always good at making these distinctions, and we might think our partner will put us first because that’s what we would do.

But, it’s easier to fall in love with someone who loves themselves – and it’s easier to stay in love with someone who knows how to do their own thing. Most people don’t want an “adoring fan” (maybe the reason celebrities mainly date other celebrities?), they want someone who mirrors them. You can’t make someone love themselves, no matter how romanticized the idea has become. It’s just not realistic.

It might be tough, but you need to remember to prioritize yourself, even when you’re in a healthy relationship – otherwise it’s not going to stay healthy.

It’s normal to feel like it’s magic.

In fact, it’s closer to magic than any other feeling we experience – even though it’s more like a drug. (Hey, back when I was using hallucinogenic drugs, that felt a lot like magic, too.) We see colors brighter, experiences are more vivid – it’s almost like switching to HD after twenty years of pixilation. And if you’re both feeling this magic, it’s an amazing, incredible feeling.

When you’re in love, it feels like you’ve got superpowers. Nothing is out of reach – except controlling our feelings. We see sparkles where once was only darkness. You’ve got this renewed sense of optimism circling around in your brain, and you feel safe, despite the fact that someone else pretty much controls your ability to be happy.

But if it’s real magic – as opposed to sleight-of-hand and trickery – your partner would never do anything to destroy your trust. If your partner is willing to make the world a magical place for you, and you’re willing to do the same for her, there are few things more fulfilling than the feeling of being truly loved.

Just make sure you’re not getting caught up in an illusion!

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The dating world is a scary place. But if you’re dating one of the following 10 lesbians, you could be making it even scarier for yourself.

1. The Clinger

In our 20s, there are bound to be a few clingy lesbians – it goes without saying. And if you’re clingy, too, it can seem like dating another clinger would be a good idea, right? Well… Not necessarily. It’s not really healthy to fall “madly in love” with someone after a first date – this just proves that you have no idea what the difference between love and infatuation really is, and that has a potential to reach stalker territory real quick.

If you are a clinger and want to fix that, one of the easiest ways to work on this is to remind yourself about the differences between love and infatuation. OK, it’s still not an easy habit to break, since it’s likely to have become part of your overall personality at this point, but it’s in your best interest to get over it as soon as you can.

2. The Dingbat

Before I get any backlash for this, let me say that there is a huge difference between “not smart” and “not intelligent”. Not everyone is going to be a genius, and that’s OK. But if you’re dating someone who has nothing to offer but their good looks (and a play-by-play of every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians)… RUN! Most likely, this woman’s looks are going to fade eventually, and then you will have nothing left to talk about except mindless drivel. (Especially if she’s a clinger, too – yikes!)

If you think you might fall under the “dingbat” label, and you’d like to swiftly remove yourself from it, thankfully it’s not that difficult. There are always opportunities to learn, and even if you did bad in school, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Try expanding your interests, and find a little bit of culture – not everything will be right for everyone, and that’s OK. What’s most important is that you try to find interests that will hold up to “adult conversation” tests – consider speaking with your older friends and relatives to get some insight as to what counts as “grown-up chat”.

3. The Party Girl

Most lesbians go through the “party girl phase” in their lives – sometimes it’s fun to just go out with your friends and paint the town. But there’s a very good reason that most party girls are in the barely-legal age bracket: That’s the appropriate time for this stuff. It’s completely normal to rebel a little bit once you’re out of your parents’ house, but party girls only really attract other party girls – and this isn’t good for a healthy relationship. Eventually, one of you will grow tired of waiting until 2 AM for your love to come home so you can spend some time together. No one wants to be with someone who’s acting half their age.

This doesn’t mean you can’t still party – in fact, it’s fun to mix things up every now and then. It’s only really a problem if it’s happening most of the time – an almost-30-year-old shouldn’t be trying to act like a 19-year-old. If you’re looking to get out of the party life, it might be as simple as exploring your other interests, and allowing yourself some fun time in celebration of a hard week of “adulting”. Keep everything in perspective, and don’t leave your partner wondering where you are!

4. The Gold Digger

This one should be self-explanatory: You should never be with someone who only loves you for your money. The truth is, things can happen at any time, and the girl who’s only sticking around for the pay-off is most likely not going to be a good girlfriend. She might be attractive, and she might dress well, but you’ve got to think: How much of that stuff was paid for by her ex? Not quite so attractive now, is it? Just make sure your relationship is for all the right reason – how deep your pockets are should never be a prerequisite for love.

If you find yourself caring a little too much about how wealthy your partner is (or you expect a lot of material gifts in your relationship), you need to ask yourself why you aren’t willing to get these things for yourself. Women’s earning potential is significantly better than it ever has been in the past, and you have a chance to be successful on your own – why rely on someone else to finance you?

5. The InstaFamous

Honestly, I don’t get the obsession with Instagram in the first place, or the need for women to post pictures of themselves half-naked anywhere, really. It’s great that these women have self-confidence – but they’re not setting themselves up to be good relationship material. Some women really do thrive on attention from others, but most of us aren’t comfortable with dating someone who everyone has seen intimately. More than just that, the women who are focused on their Instagram accounts more than actual interaction with their girlfriend are actually allowing these fans to rank higher than said girlfriend – do you want to take a backseat to literally anyone else who wants to see her boobs? I’m guessing not.

Ladies, there is definitely a line between self-respect and respect for your partner. I do not think that posing half-naked means that you’ve got no morals, or any of that garbage. In fact, I follow a few alternative beauty Instas myself – which often means boobs. But I wouldn’t want to date any of those women, because I know why I look at them, and I know a lot of other people who do, too. And maybe I’m just a little too insecure.

6. The Proud Bad Girl

If you’re thinking of dating someone who’s always bragging about the time she was arrested, or the time she keyed her ex’s car, or the time she hacked into that government website, or whatever the bad behavior is… Run. Fast. Many women think they’re into the rebels and the delinquents, but really, we want to make them better people. But if she’s bragging about her bad behavior, she doesn’t want to change – and you’re likely to get hurt. (Or, you might just have to visit her behind glass – but that’s not too fun, either.)

It’s never too late to change your bad behavior, of course, but you need to identify why you feel compelled to act badly. Is it because you think it’s sexy? It is – but knock it off anyway. You won’t be doing your girlfriend any favors if you get locked up, and most women aren’t willing to wait around for you to get out – if your girlfriend is, show her your appreciation by not making her wait for you. Obviously.

7. The Hard-to-Get

It’s 2016 – why is playing hard to get still a thing? It’s a mind game, pure and simple, and if you have to convince someone to like you, you’re just being desperate. Knock it off, and find someone who’s actually worth your time – the person who won’t waste it. The woman you want to date will also want to date you – if she makes you prove yourself, she’s not really in it, and she’s hoping you’ll lose interest. (Or, she’s an ass – either way, steer clear.)

If you are still playing hard-to-get in your relationships, I beg you to knock it off. No one should have to get someone else’s approval, especially when it comes to things that have nothing to do with you. You are not so important that you’re entitled to waste someone else’s time, no matter what your exes may have led you to believe.

8. The Chat Speaker

Not everyone is going to have perfect, impeccable grammar skills and spelling that makes English teachers swoon. But if you’re talking to someone who speaks like a 14-year-old on Myspace (yeah, remember those days?) she’s being deliberately lazy – and it’s reasonable to assume she’ll take other obvious shortcuts, too. If you’re a lazy texter, too, maybe it won’t be so bad – but think of all the miscommunication that’s going to go on between the two of you! (And, on that note, emojis are for adding to a conversation, not replacing the conversation – I shouldn’t need to understand hieroglyphics in order to talk to you.)

If you’re a chat speaker, you might have come up with all sorts of excuses as to why that is. It takes less time (which means you’re lazy – it takes longer for the recipient to decipher your message). It’s creative (which means you can’t be bothered to figure out how to actually spell the words). It’s easier to leave letters out (which means talking is more important to you than being understood). Basically, it’s lazy, and even if you’re not a great speller, an honest effort is easier to figure out than a random mess of letters and emojis.

9. The Chronically Unemployed

Almost everyone deals with unemployment at some point in their lives. Some of us just can’t keep a job, for the life of us – but it’s important to realize that, in most cases, people get let go for a reason. Very rarely will it actually be a form of discrimination, so if your girlfriend has all these notes as to why their last 30 employers (or prospective employers) thought they were unemployable, it’s probably your girlfriend’s fault.

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of hired-fired repeatedly, or you just can’t seem to nail an interview, maybe you’re looking into the wrong profession. Most people are really good at something, and chances are, there’s a job out there that’s perfect for you. Instead of saying your past bosses just hated you, focus on making yourself a more valuable employee at a place that shares your values and goals. There’s a “right job” for everyone – if it’s not out there yet, find a way to create it!

10. The Better-Than-You

Lastly, if you are dating someone who thinks they’re better than you (and makes a point to say so) – run, as fast as you can, in the opposite direction. Whether she’s right or not, a relationship requires equal partners. The best relationships are one where your partner thinks you’re the sun and stars, and you think she’s the sun and stars, and together you’re in perfect harmony. Of course, that doesn’t always work out, but in any case, no one wants to be with someone who holds things over their head or talks down to them. No one – I mean no one – deserves to be treated like a lesser person.

If you have been in the habit of acting like you’re better than your partner, you are doing both of you a huge disservice. Not only is it arrogant for anyone to think they’re better than another person, on a wide scale, but it’s also selfish to think you have no room to improve. Most likely, in the relationship, the two of you will be better than each other in different areas – but instead of using it to talk down on her, you should be using that energy to help her become better – and she, you. Relationships are nourished by loving words and caring actions – not by competition and snide remarks.

Most breakups suck. It’s just a fact of life. We don’t usually “let go” at the same time, so it gets tricky to navigate when it’s “OK” to be hurt or not. (Hint: It’s always OK to be hurt, even if you know you’re better off without her.)

Just because our brain knows that she was terrible for us doesn’t mean our heart has figured it out yet.

Luckily, by letting your brain take over for your heart, you can give yourself a chance to heal – and a chance to love again (as long as you don’t rush into it). Truthfully, everyone needs at least one bad relationship in their lives – it teaches them what they really deserve: A good relationship.

Some of us have that shitty relationship sooner than others. I had my first really bad one when I was in high school, and then a second (with the same person) shortly after I’d graduated. The first time around, we had kept things “casual”, so I didn’t exactly learn the lessons I needed to. The second time, though, I wised up quick.

Breakups teach us about our flaws.

If you’re the one who got dumped, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you heard a list of “what’s wrong” with you. Most likely, not all of these things were actual problems, but rather things that your specific partner didn’t like. But there are going to be some flaws she points out that are legitimate flaws in character – figure out which ones these are, and work on them. Try not to take her words too personally, though; shitty girlfriends often put things in the meanest possible words they can.

Bad relationships teach us about our good qualities.

When you examine your perceived flaws and take an inventory of them, anything you’d stand up for counts as a “good quality”. Just because your ex didn’t appreciate it doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. Maybe your ex said you talk too much, and you value communication – in the future, you can find a woman who likes to talk, too.

Bad relationships teach us about our values.

A shitty relationship doesn’t always have to mean the other person is shitty – sometimes it’s just a matter of incompatible values. Dating someone whose values are different from yours will actually help you learn to define yours – and, in the future, you can decide which are important enough to discuss them early on. (Hint: Not all of them are, but you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.)

Bad relationships teach us about our strength.

In many shitty relationships, the partner who is in control will remain in control by minimizing the other partner’s feelings, or trying to make them feel worthless. But when you get the courage to leave a bad relationship – or, y’know, if she left you – this teaches you that you can, in fact, live without her. Internally, we know that we got along just fine before her, but it can take a little bit of practice to remember that we’ll still be ok after her.

Bad relationships teach us about what we want.

Getting out of a bad relationship will help you to figure out what you want from a future partner. If your ex was unfaithful, you’ll want a new partner who’s committed. If your ex was lazy, you’ll want a new partner with ambition. These things are sometimes negotiable – within reason – but having an idea of what you’re really looking for makes your next relationship just a little bit better.

Bad relationships teach us about what we need.

I’m sure your shitty relationship had a few deal breakers – even if you neglected to step up and call them deal breakers. My ex would routinely visit her ex – something I was never really comfortable with – but even less so when I realized they’d sleep in the same bed when she went to visit. I decided that I need a partner who’s going to give me all the necessary information when asking me to agree to something – don’t leave something out and expect me to be ok with it. That doesn’t count as “asking me”.

Bad relationships teach us about good relationships.

Before my horrible ex, I dated a few really nice girls. But I couldn’t really appreciate the effort they put into the relationship, because I wasn’t really putting in that much of my own. Once you’ve been with someone who takes advantage of you, you start to realize all the little ways you’ve taken advantage of others, and you swear you’ll never do them again. If your shitty relationship is your first relationship, don’t worry – you’ll learn from the experience, too. If you avoid doing the things your ex did that hurt you, you can avoid most hurt for your future partners.

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