I’ve given out a lot of advice over the last few months. Maybe it’s not all great advice, and I can appreciate that – no one can really give advice about anything they don’t have personal experience with. (At least, not perfect advice… And even if you’ve been in the same situation, there’s no way to tell if your outcomes are still going to be the same – people are different.) But there’s one question I’m asked a lot, mostly by “real-life” friends. The exact words are a little different every time, but here’s the gist of it:

I want to meet someone… but I don’t want to be in a relationship. I like who I am as a person, but I’m still feeling burned from my ex. Plus I’m really busy and don’t have time for a relationship, but I don’t want to just be a hookup either. I have trust issues, but I’m also really horny and really lonely, but I don’t want to be with a player – but I also kinda really don’t want to be in a relationship. Here’s my ten-page list of requirements in my perfect non-partner partner.”

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit – not all of these things are in every question. Usually, there are a few main components that ring true for all those who want a non-casual, non-relationship, casual relationship. (I’m getting exhausted just typing all these word circles – I can’t imagine dealing with them rolling around in my head… I salute you for dealing with the confusion.

But, it’s important to realize that that’s all any of that mess up there means. It means you’re confused.

Let’s lay out the basics here.

1. You want to date someone.
2. But, you want to be single.
3. You’re emotionally unavailable and not ready to give your heart to someone new.
4. You probably also have feelings for your ex still.
5. You’re too busy to put any real time into a relationship.
6. But you want someone else to put time & effort into you.
7. You need to get laid, like, yesterday.
8. You’re not actually happy with yourself, despite saying you are.
9. You don’t want to be someone’s casual fling.
10. But you want them to be your casual fling.
11. But nothing is casual because you just handed them a list of criteria they’ve got to meet before you’ll consider being with them.
12. But you’re sooooo lonely – and horny!

Does that sound about right?

This isn’t meant to come across as judgmental. We’ve all been there a time or two – sometimes, what you want becomes a little foggy, and you really don’t know what you want. You have this list of requirements that you yourself don’t exactly meet, but you figure maybe the perfect person will come along and just fix everything.

The only problem is that, half of that list is complete B.S., and the other half is hypocrisy.

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You want to date someone.

Some of us just feel better when we’re with someone. I can’t really fault you for that – I like being with somebody just as much as the next guy. It’s human nature for (most of) us to want that connection with someone else. But if your desire to date is stronger than your desire for the person you’re dating, you’re going to end up hurting someone – possibly even yourself.

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But, you want to be single.

Most people who are “open to a relationship with the right person” are, in fact, looking for a relationship – they just don’t want to call it a relationship. Often, the confusion leads us to want our own freedoms, but want someone else to be loyal to us. Sorry, but you can’t have it both ways.

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You’re emotionally unavailable and not ready to give your heart to someone new.

Dating someone when you’re emotionally unavailable is most likely going to mess things up even more. Once you do start to develop feelings for this person – which usually ends up happening – they’re going to be upset to find out that you weren’t completely honest about things. If you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re unavailable – emotionally – which isn’t a very fair position to put your partner in.

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You probably also have feelings for your ex still.

No one gets over their ex right away. Even if it seems like you’re over it right after the breakup, all this really means is that the process started early and you were too stubborn to admit it. The reason it’s so hard to give up our feelings to our new partner when we’re still stuck on our ex is because we’re not supposed to do that! It’s not fair to your new partner to have to share you with someone who’s not even in the picture, and it’s not fair to you to try to force your affections in two directions. Get over your ex first, and then look for someone new.

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You’re too busy to put any real time into a relationship.

Hey, I get it – I’m busy, too. Pretty much anyone with a lot of ambition is going to have time commitments, and there’s never a shortage of more. Personally, I’m a workaholic – but I make sure to take time to build my relationship, too. Because that’s what the experts do, and I want to know just as much about love as them – so I follow their advice. If you don’t have time to spend with someone, get a fish – partners shouldn’t be there on your demand.

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But you want someone else to put time & effort into you.

One of the cardinal rules of dating is treat her how you’d want her to treat you. Do what would make you happy – and if it’s not something you’d offer, don’t request it. How would you feel if you poured all this time and effort into a woman who couldn’t be bothered? Chances are, you’d dump her. Don’t be “that guy”.

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You need to get laid, like, yesterday.

In fact, you need to get laid so bad that you’re willing to completely overlook the risks associated with casual sex. Even though you don’t want casual sex – you want a relationship on your own terms.

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You’re not actually happy with yourself, despite saying you are.

If you were really happy with the single life, you wouldn’t want to date someone right now. People who are truly happy with the single life don’t seek out a partner – they let a partner enter their lives naturally. Be honest with yourself, and the people you talk to.

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You don’t want to be someone’s casual fling.

Because who wants to feel like they’ve been used just for sex? Not most of us.

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But you want them to be your casual fling.

Because you want to call all the shots.

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But nothing is casual because you just handed them a list of criteria they’ve got to meet before you’ll consider being with them.

If you set rules, it’s not casual. End of discussion. I’m pretty bad about this myself, and that’s probably why I’m not good with the whole hookup culture. I’ve got a list of rules surrounding how I eat a slice of pizza, do you really think I’m not going to have rules governing my dating life, too?

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But you’re sooooo lonely – and horny!

And really, this is the only thing that big, long list boils down to. There’s not really a problem with being lonely and horny – but you need to realize that dating is not meant to simply fill these two needs. Relationships are complex, and entering them for the “wrong reasons” is a bad idea – you’re setting yourself up for pain and heartache down the road.

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Would you want someone who came with the stipulations you did?

This is the real test here. If you would genuinely be happy with someone who came across with your exact same specifications (keep in mind, the list of requirements pretty much says you wouldn’t), then go for it – as unrealistic as your expectations are, there is a chance that someone will come across and answer every little wish.

But, more likely, that perfect person doesn’t exist. Most likely, the person you meet is not going to live up to every requirement you’ve put down, and that’s partially because you’re being dishonest with yourself. It’s easy to say we have all these requirements, but when it comes down to it, “lonely and horny” means we’ll probably settle for someone who meets any of our requirements.

This isn’t always a bad thing, either, as long as you can learn to face your fears. But the truth is – if you’re that eager to settle – then none of your “requirements” are actual requirements. You’re just guessing at what you want, when you don’t really know.

By facing our fears – the things we “won’t deal with” that we actually probably would – we are taking away their power, and this is a huge step to self-confidence building. If we keep all those little barriers up to mold the “perfect relationship”, all we’re really doing is limiting our options – possibly to only include deceitful players. Do you really want to limit yourself to only being with someone who’s willing to lie to you?

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Contradictions are not particularly attractive.

Many women want a little mystery in their lives, and this can make us think that “confusing = sexy”. But confusing is not sexy, and in most cases it’s incredibly off-putting. Sure, there are some people who would love to date someone who doesn’t know what they want, or who get off on challenges and see you as a tough nut to crack, but really, you’re setting yourself up to fail.

If you don’t want to be with someone who wants a relationship, you’re not going to attract people who want to be in a relationship. You’re going to attract people who are looking for the same things you are – which is both “nothing” and “everything”. Duality totally works in some areas of your life – but this is most likely not one of them.

By avoiding a serious relationship, you are directly removing yourself from the line-of-sight for people who are looking for a serious relationship. And you’re doing it to yourself. Generally, people who aren’t looking for anything serious will still date you – but that’s not what you really want, remember?

No one deserves to have their feelings used against them, of course. But if you’re going out of your way to keep your true intentions a secret, or if you really don’t know what they are anyway, you’re going to draw a lot of attention from those who are confused and/or manipulative. You’re inviting yourself to be exploited and simply hoping that the other person doesn’t do it.

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Relationships need to be a two-way street.

You are allowed to have requirements in your relationships. You are allowed to have expectations set from your partner. But you are demanding something that you wouldn’t offer in return, it’s not healthy. Relationships need to be mutual, even if they’re casual. This is why I prefer the term partner – because if you’re doing it right, you’re equal partners.

This doesn’t mean you need to openly share your financial information with someone you’ve been on two dates with, nor does it mean that you can’t do the whole casual thing. You just need to make sure that you’re being fair. Don’t abuse someone to heal yourself.

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I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life. Most things in life can be traced to whether they’re a cause or an effect, but with anxiety it’s a bit tougher. There are so many things in my childhood that I wonder – did this cause my anxiety, or did my anxiety cause this?

It’s really hard when your anxiety cycle turns into a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. The more we think about how our anxiety makes us harder to love, the harder our anxiety hits us. It sucks, especially since we already know it’s going to happen – but there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

But women with anxiety aren’t that complicated, really, especially if you know what to expect.

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1. Don’t leave room to be misunderstood.

If at all possible, say what you mean – exactly what you mean. This is actually pretty good advice when you’re planning to date anyone, because no one deserves mind games. (Unless, of course, she’s into mind games – I guess some people do like that sort of thing.) For most of us, however, simply being straightforward can make a world of difference.

For the woman with anxiety, though, it’s essential. If you leave any room for us to read between the lines, we will think of 40 possible meanings for what you said, and while you probably meant the one thing that wasn’t a total disaster, we’re going to be obsessing about the 39 that were.

Please, if you care about us, don’t make us wonder if you mean something else.

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2. We’re not (all) insecure.

We might come across as super jealous and insecure, because any situation that could mean something bad, does – at least in our minds. The truth is, most of us are highly intelligent and very confident in ourselves. I love myself, even if it took me a really long time to get to where I am – but that doesn’t mean my brain always knows that.

When you’re dating a woman with anxiety, jokes about having another girlfriend are not funny. Jokes about leaving her are not funny. Jokes about anything that would be heartbreaking if it wasn’t a joke are not funny. It doesn’t mean we don’t have a sense of humor, or that we’re the jealous type. It just means we’re extremely well-versed in everything that could possibly go wrong, and in our minds, it already has.

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3. We need a lot of reassurance.

It’s not that we don’t trust you – in fact, that’s exactly why our anxiety hits us so hard. Our brain tells us that maybe we trust you too much – which, of course, would make it easy for you to break our hearts. In turn, our brain tells our heart to break itself before you have the chance.

I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. But anxiety isn’t supposed to make sense – no matter how much our brain tells us that the connections are all logical and grounded in 100% fact. We know that’s not true – but we need you to tell us it’s not true, because our brain has proven time and time again that it doesn’t know what it’s talking about.

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4. We’ll pay for the date, if you can just pick where we go.

And maybe order for us, too. If you ask an anxious girl where she wants to go to eat, chances are she’s got an hour long list of pros and cons for each restaurant in your area – and you’ll both starve to death before she finishes working through to find the best option.

Because, of course, we must go with the best option – otherwise something bad is (probably) going to happen. Letting someone else make the decision is a much quicker choice, and honestly, if we trust you to make decisions for us – this is a huge honor. Don’t take it lightly!

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5. Telling us to “calm down” will probably not help.

In fact, probably 75% of the time, it’ll make everything worse, and another 24% it won’t do anything at all. We probably won’t even hear it over the sound of our racing minds. Telling us to “calm down” works about as well as telling someone with asthma to “just breathe better”. Trust me, if it was as easy as just calming down, I can pretty much guarantee that anxiety would not be a thing. No one likes being like this.

If you’re looking to actually do some good, it might be a lot more helpful to just learn when we need your touch. Learning how to give a good massage – in silence – is so comforting, and when we reach the point of a full-on breakdown, some cuddling may be in order. It’s not going to completely put our minds at ease, but it can help distract us from the whirling thoughts for long enough to realize which ones actually make sense.

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6. Trying to talk us out of it probably won’t help, either.

A few weeks ago, I was at my nephew’s birthday party, when suddenly everyone’s phones started going off at the same time – tornado warning. One of the kids at the party went full freak-out mode. I felt so bad for him! I know how hard it is dealing with anxiety when you know that’s the problem – it’s got to be so much harder when you’re too young to understand. Everyone was trying to tell him that the warning was for the other side of the county, but it wasn’t exactly working.

Since people with anxiety are generally very intelligent, explaining to them why their thought process makes no sense seems like it’s going to be a good solution. The only problem is that anxiety isn’t controlled by our logical thought processes – and the two have a hard time running at the same time. The only person who can actually talk us out of an episode is ourselves, and it’s probably not going to happen until after we’ve hit peak panic.

Most of us aren’t looking for someone to “fix” our anxiety – we just want someone who isn’t going to run away when it rears its ugly head.

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7. Just because it doesn’t matter doesn’t mean we won’t freak out about it.

For an example, I literally just finished a mini anxiety attack about not being able to find a green pen. I have three other green pens on my desk, and about thirty other pens – and I’m not even using a pen at the moment. But I can’t find this one pen, and that’s enough to get my heart (and mind) racing – even though it doesn’t make a bit of sense. It’s taking a lot for me to keep myself from going full-on freak-out about it – and this is the type of thing that happens almost every single day.

The person who dates us is going to have to realize that this is going to be a part of their lives while they’re with us. We won’t expect you to calm every storm, nor will we ask that you make sense of it. But if you care about us, don’t belittle our panic – it might not be a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to us, at least at the time.

(And don’t you dare make us feel stupid for that.)

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8. If we apologize, we mean it – so please accept it.

If a woman with an anxiety disorder happens to apologize about something that happened between the two of you (even if you weren’t even mad about it), you can pretty much guarantee that it’s been weighing on her mind since the moment it happened, and she’s already freaking out about the possibility of you being mad. Whether you think it’s stupid or not, please take the time to let us know you accept our apology – our sanity is depending on it.

I apologize to my girlfriend on a regular basis for things that happened while we were still “just talking” – and we’ve been together for over two years. I know it has to be frustrating to deal with the constant apologies, but luckily she’s much more patient than I am – and that’s something I can’t thank her enough for.

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9. The brain is a vital organ – so saying “it’s all in your head” is stupid.

I’ve seen this likened to telling someone with a heart murmur that it’s all in your heart, or telling someone with emphysema that it’s all in your lungs. For those of us who are suffering with anxiety on a daily basis, we know that it can actually cause serious complications in seemingly unrelated parts of your body.

The difference with anxiety is that the brain literally controls everything we do. This means that, while “it’s all in your head” is technically correct, the entire body relies on impulses that start within the brain. Brain’s messing up? Don’t expect to just do something else to distract yourself.

Mental health issues are a serious concern, and minimizing them doesn’t solve anything.

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10. Medication is not always the answer.

For people who have never experienced the extreme pain of an anxiety episode, it might seem like the solution is so simple. Just pop a pill, and all your troubles melt away. But really, it’s not that easy. Medications can have serious side effects and complications, not to mention the possibility that we might not be able to afford them.

More than just that, not everyone is responsive to every medication, and it can take a lot of experimentation before we find one that doesn’t make things worse. What’s even worse is that anxiolytics (the technical jargon for anxiety medication) often have a high potential for abuse, and since the queer community already has a statistical predisposition to substance abuse, many people would rather not treat with pills – even if it is the most effective treatment method.

(And telling your girlfriend that she needs to be on pills is never a wise choice!)

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11. Anxiety often comes bundled with other issues.

As if anxiety wasn’t bad enough on its own, it’s very common that someone suffering from any mental health issues will have other concurrent disorders as well. In my case, I also have moderate OCD and a mild tic disorder, as well as intermittent sleep problems. The specific combination will vary from person to person.

In some cases, the way the issues relate to one another can cause a host of other problems, especially in our interpersonal relationships. My anxiety and my OCD often take over my entire day, skipping hand-in-hand (so to speak) until I’m just a bundle of panic. (And, naturally, the more anxious I am, the worse my tics are, too, which causes even more anxiety if I’m out in public at the time.) I’ve got a need to be in constant control – not over others, but over myself – which can sometimes come out wrong and make me look like a total control freak.

But, no matter how much this combination bugs you, I promise it bugs the person dealing with it more. The anxiety creates all these problems and then whispers in our ears that nobody cares, so we keep as much bottled up as we can. Chances are, what you see is very little of the overall problem we see.

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12. Anxiety can cause physical pain, just like most other mental health issues.

While everyone’s symptoms are different, and some people are bound to have unique manifestations, there is a well-known connection between anxiety and migraines. There is also a known connection between stress and ulcers, and while stress isn’t exactly the same as anxiety, they do have enough in common that they can create similar types of extra discomfort.

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13. If you’re looking for a gift, skip the flowers and get something that’ll calm us down.

There are so many different calming gadgets around – even some that lack any real technology. I keep coloring books, an hourglass, a snow globe, a teddy bear, a fan, a bottle of essential oils (lavender and peppermint, if you were curious), and a full-spectrum sun lamp on my desk – but the things that work for your girlfriend might be different. There are no two identical cases of anxiety, and there are no two people who respond to triggers (or calming agents) in exactly the same way.

If you really want to get her flowers, consider buying her a potted plant, as opposed to a bouquet. Caring for houseplants can help with a wide variety of mental health problems, and they will increase the oxygen in the room – which is never a bad idea. (And, beyond that, they’ll last a lot longer, too – months to years, as opposed to just a few days.)

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14. We are not doing it for the attention.

Something that is common among most mental illnesses is that the uninformed will often assume that the sufferer is faking it for attention. While most people are not faking their mental illnesses anyway, anxiety in particular is one that it simply doesn’t make sense to write off. Most anxiety sufferers do not like being the center of attention (I had a nervous breakdown on my birthday last year when all my in-laws insisted on singing me the Happy Birthday song at the same time), and will usually bottle up their symptoms for as long as possible before finally letting it all out.

More than that, the most common symptoms of anxiety are almost impossible to fake. We live in a near-constant state of paranoid fear, which can occasionally result in a rapid heart rate that is literally visible to the naked eye. Go ahead and try to fake that one – I dare you!

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15. We just want to be normal – or as normal as possible.

I said it before, but I’ll say it again: No one wants their anxiety. This is something that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, and all we really want is to minimize its effects as little as possible. We know that it’s hard on you, even before you tell us – so please don’t tell us, as it’s probably only going to make us more anxious if you do.

We don’t expect to be coddled or cured, and we don’t expect you to protect us from every trigger. Chances are, you won’t be able to keep them all away anyway, and you’ll only stress yourself out trying. (And besides, remember how I said we don’t want you to draw attention to it? Things like apologizing on behalf of our illness, while they might seem like a nice gesture, will most likely just make us uncomfortable.)

Instead of trying to protect us from anything that could possibly go wrong, your efforts would be better spent in helping us calm down from the freak-outs themselves. A quick shoulder rub, a cup of tea, and a kiss on the forehead can work wonders – don’t underestimate their healing powers.

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16. We appreciate your efforts – even if they don’t work.

We might not say it enough, or we might say it too much, but we appreciate everything you do to help us manage our condition. We know that we’re hard to handle sometimes, and we know that it’s frustrating to you sometimes. It’s probably a lot more frustrating to us, and even ineffective solutions are appreciated – it helps reinforce the idea that you care.

That’s not to say that we’ll notice while in the middle of an episode.

That’s not to say that we’re not going to accidentally take it out on you sometimes.

And that’s not to say that the things you do to help will really help – even if they’ve helped in the past.

It takes an incredibly patient woman to deal with a woman who has anxiety, and unlike some other conditions, anxiety sufferers are generally not compatible with one another. Two people struggling with anxious episodes at the same time is like having synced up periods, mixed with extreme fear of everything, self-doubt, and generally feeling like you’re a complete psychopath – it’s pretty unlikely that either will be able to help the other to feel better, especially since anxiety can manifest as anger.

We love you for your patience. We love you for putting up with us. And we love you for trying to make us feel safe and calm. We promise – it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

While the definition of infidelity is bound to be a matter of heated debate, many people feel that emotional cheating is just as much a betrayal as physical cheating – perhaps even more so, because it’s less obvious. Maybe this is a result of our society’s desensitization to sex and the increasing rarity of “true love” – but I’m not entirely sure.

One thing I know to be true is that emotional cheating hurts – often, it hurts everyone involved, as opposed to physical cheating (which usually only hurts the person who was cheated on). It can be extra hard on those involved because you don’t exactly have control over your emotions – so you could, in theory, be an emotional cheater with all the best of intentions.

Emotional cheating doesn’t often show the same obvious signs as physical cheating. There’s not necessarily a risk of STDs, for example, nor is there any easy way out. Even worse, the person being cheated on may find herself creating excuses for her partner – often without fully understanding why.

Friends, your intuition isn’t always wrong, so if you notice a lot of these signs in your own relationship, it might be time to look a little deeper. Proceed with caution, though – this is a tough accusation to get over.

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1. You feel like you’re losing your mind.

One of the most troubling things about our inner intuition is that it can become confused. Even worse is that this confusion can cause its own set of problems – whether you’re rationalizing unfaithful behavior, or you’re picturing signs that aren’t there. Chances are, if everything is going fine and your intuition takes an unexpected turn, though – you might be onto something without noticing it.

For example, let’s say your girlfriend is still friends with someone she used to be romantically involved with. This alone isn’t a cause for concern – many people can successfully become friends with someone once the attraction has worn off. But if you notice signs that it might be more than that, and you feel the need to justify those things to yourself or others, you might want to evaluate why – and make your feelings known.

I often say that no one has the right to dictate someone else’s friendships, and that’s still true. You don’t have the right to tell her she can’t be friends with this person, but you do have the right to tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and explain why.

Most people respond better to facts than to feelings, so make sure you have some reasons why you’re worried. If you don’t have anything specifically raising red flags, there’s a chance that it’s just insecurities – and this is what your partner will hear when you voice your opinions. If, instead, you can list specific things you’re concerned about – such as her not letting you know before she hangs out with friends, and not responding to your texts while she’s out – this gives her an opportunity to modify her behavior if it is, in fact, just paranoia on your part.

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2. You feel there’s something missing.

Emotional cheating exists to fill a void – but rather than a sexual one, this is a psychological need that’s not being met – whether because you’re not offering it, or your partner isn’t accepting it. It is human nature to seek out the things that we feel are missing in our lives, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

In some cases, this particular feeling is caused by the roles prescribed to us in a relationship. For example, if you’re dating a stud, she might feel that she’s unable to be vulnerable around you. If you’re dating a femme, she might think that she’s too vulnerable with you, and trying to cut it back. Whatever that might specifically mean in your situation, try to identify what the cause might be, so you can help to fix it – after all, you will both need to work together to fix this.

If you feel that your partner is shutting you out of some area of themselves, try to think of why this might be. Does she feel safe telling you her feelings? If you’ve belittled something that she’s told you in the past, there is probably still time to re-open that door. Make yourself an option for communication, and do your best to defer judgment. It may take some work to reconnect, but it is usually possible.

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3. She doesn’t tell you things anymore.

Most people like sharing parts of their day with the people they care about. This is good – intimate communication, even about the stupid little parts of our day, helps us form a bond with one another. But if, over time, she’s not telling you about her day anymore, it might be worth paying attention to. Most people don’t just stop talking about an entire section of their lives – unless they’re telling it to someone else, instead.

What makes this even worse is that, sometimes, we don’t even notice it right away. Often a person will go to someone else for reassurance and encouragement because their partner has stopped validating these things. Essentially, this means that your partner is telling someone else because she feels you don’t care – so if you actually don’t care, you’re probably not going to notice the decrease.

Here’s where it gets really unpleasant to talk about: In order to get that part of your relationship back, you’re going to have to care. This is not a situation where you can fake it. If you genuinely find yourself unable to care about how your partner’s day went, the relationship is already over, but one (or both) of you was too stubborn to make the call. It’s time – consider this the sign you were waiting for.

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4. The sex has lost its magic.

Not everyone connects sexuality and emotions the same way, so whether you’re still having sex or not can vary from one relationship to another. Some people will still have sex, but their mind will be somewhere else. Others might see a sharp decline in sex altogether. While all relationships are bound to go through changes in sex drive, a sharp change can be a sign that you need to look deeper.

Even though emotional cheating isn’t centered around physical intimacy, the two are often connected, at least slightly. For those who feel a deeper connection here, it can hurt a lot more when these changes take place – and for those who don’t feel the connection as strongly, it can definitely be more difficult to understand why their partner might. No matter which one you are, it’s important to communicate your needs – just be sure to be kind about it.

Particularly when we’re feeling sexually neglected, many of us are tempted to lash out with harsh words, but it’s important to realize that this is only going to make things worse. Take the time to fully think about what you have to say, and give your partner the chance to say her side, too. You can get past this, but it’s going to take honesty and compassion from both of you. If either one is not willing to make the effort, the relationship is over.

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5. You find yourself being compared to someone else.

This is one of the most obvious signs of emotional cheating, because it is often straight-out said. If your partner is directly comparing you to someone else, it’s definitely time to speak up – even if it doesn’t mean anything, it means something – trust me. It’s never fun being told that you’re not as good as someone else, and a partner whose heart is still in it wouldn’t dream of doing that to you. But, she might not even realize it herself – so keeping quiet isn’t doing anyone any favors.

Please believe me when I tell you that this is occasionally a sign of something more sinister, too. If your partner is always comparing you to someone else, in a negative way, and it seems that she is doing it intentionally, you need to get out as soon as you can – this is an abuse grooming tactic that’s made to keep you in a position of self-doubt. You deserve much better than this.

If, on the other hand, the comparison isn’t always negative – but is revolving around the same point of reference – this shouldn’t be ignored, either, although it probably isn’t done with malicious intent. Many people don’t want to know the truth in a situation like this – which is usually a sign that things are bad. You’re not doomed, though. Many relationships can recover from this point – but it’s going to take some work.

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So, she’s an emotional cheater… What now?

First, you’ll need to talk about the problems as you see them. You can give her the benefit of the doubt that none of it was intentional, but if she cares about you, she’ll still be willing to work on the problems – just to clear up any future confusion. She shouldn’t be doing all the work, of course – you will still be responsible for bringing it to her attention when you have a concern. If she voices some problems she sees, you’ll want to work on those, too – as long as they’re reasonable.

Even though emotional cheating is painful, most relationships can recover from it as long as both parties are still interested. But you will need to catch the problems as soon as possible – usually, the more attached someone gets to one person (romantically), the less attached they get to someone else. Your intuition should be able to tell you whether it’s gone on for too long.

Most importantly, you will need to make sure you leave the lines of communication open in the future – whether you two stay together or you break up. Emotional cheating will take a toll on you, and you might have a harder time recovering from this than if it were a physical infidelity. If at any point you feel you are unable to keep working on the relationship, it might be best if you follow that instinct – your heart is probably saving you from further pain.

The good news is that, by identifying all of the problems in the relationship (even if it resulted in a huge fight and a breakup), you will have painted a vague roadmap of the things you, personally, need to work on to be a better partner. Of course, some of these things will be specific to the partner who was cheating, but a careful analysis can show you what really does need to be fixed, and what’s just a part of your personality.

Remember, you are wonderful, even if you don’t know it yet.

Take care of yourselves, and each other!

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Ok, I confess. I once stalked an ex on Facebook, but I had plenty of good reasons to do so. I wanted to see who she was ‘hanging out’ (or more to the point dating). It turns out she was ‘hanging out’with a close friend, and they went on to start dating. Double heartbreak.

At the time I thought none of my online stalking would do me much harm, but that was so not the case, I became obsessed with them. Unhealthily so.

A new report by psychologist Tara Marshall – a lecturer at the UK’s Brunel University London – suggests that Facebook stalking is actually a dangerous thing, which can lead to toxic feelings take over.

In an article for Quartz, Marshall wrote,

I’ve found that such Facebook stalking may obstruct the natural process of getting over an ex. More specifically, I found that this sort of surveillance was associated with greater distress over the breakup, protracted longing for an ex-partner, more negative feelings toward and sexual desire for the ex, and lower personal growth.

Marshall insisted other studies found those who engaged in mournful FB stalking were “six times more likely to pursue unwanted intimacy” with an ex (aka the ol’ backslide).

She also added,

If this preference for socializing online rather than face-to-face becomes excessive, it can interfere with close relationships, or performance at school or work.

When it comes to stalking in particular, Marshall claimed “low self-esteem, fear of rejection, and greater jealousy in relationships” led many to check up on ex-partners.

These elements are familiar to anyone who has loved and lost, making the time immediately following a breakup the danger zone for peeking at an ex’s profile.

Facebook have introduced tools to make an ex’s activity less visible without blocking or un-friending them, but the temptation to seek out hurtful truths remains.

Just as our parents had to learn the wistful drive by was only going to make life more challenging, we must accept, sometimes, forcing ourselves to turn a blind eye to an ex’s updates is the only way to stay sane.

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It would be nice to have some guarantee on the longevity of relationships, especially after all the work you’ve done to get into her in the first place.

Alas, there isn’t, and even the seemingly greatest lesbian romances are at risk when they’re not protected and cultivated.

Here are some things that will kill even the ones that started out amazingly well.

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1. Taking each other for granted

You got her to commit, so now you can back off a bit on the effort, right? Wrong. Same thing goes for the other way around.

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2. Bottling up feelings

It’s often easier in the moment to swallow small grievances, but the resentment that builds and the inevitable explosion later on is harder to get past.

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3. Lack of general intimacy

Besides sex, intimacy includes being emotionally close, physically close, listening, and nurturing that bond all the time.

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4. When one person denies sex

Sex is just a part of healthy romantic relationship, and if two disagree on what this means, things can go downhill quickly.

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5. Being overly selfless

Yeah, giving and considering her needs is important and necessary, but so is taking care of ones self. No one wants a partner who loses her identity in a relationship.

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6. Being inconsistent.

Feeling all about the relationship one day and like you could do without the next day will only leave the other person feeling unstable and insecure.

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7. Skipping dates

If the only time you spend together is on the couch at home, it’s easy to assume the feeling of restlessness is about the relationship, when it might just be about the routine.

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8. Being condescending

There is a lot of learning to be had in a relationship; but not because one person takes charge. Nothing makes someone feel small like when someone they care about is constantly making them feel dumb.

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Also see: 12 Types Of Lesbian ‘Non-Relationships’ You’ll Have Before You Settle Down

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9. Breaking trust

Of course it’s possible to rebuild trust in the right relationships, but experience it too many times and that vow of honesty starts to mean nil.

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10. Being selfish in bed

If your sex life is routine and you’re both going at it with the mind-set of taking care of yourself, it’s going to build a gap between you.

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11. Denying the other in public

Healthy couples don’t mind that other people know that they’re couple. If one person shies away from being open about the relationship, they might not be ready to be in.

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12. Holding grudges

If a conflict is discussed, apologies are made, and everything is back in order, no one should continue to carry around the anger about it. It’s like poison.

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13. Being on different pages about life goals

A relationship can seem perfect in the moment, but if neither party is willing to make sacrifices about future plans then undoubtedly different paths will be taken.

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14. Never putting away the devil’s advocate vibe

Ever argue for the sake of arguing as if you’re a lawyer or something? Yeah… that. Seeing both sides to a situation is great, but claiming the opposite of everything he says just to do it is different.

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15. Constant complaining

Annoying things happen all the time, but usually when we’re with company we enjoy things like traffic or the wait at the restaurant don’t seem so important. When the small things threaten to ruin the night, they can start to threaten the relationship as well.